What Percent of People Respond to Your Initial Emails on Match.com?

woman lying on bed while responding emails using her laptop

As you may know, before I became a dating coach, I was a prolific online dater.

I tried every site around, starting in the late 90’s. Matchmaker.com. Nerve.com. JDate.com. Match.com. eHarmony.com. Chemistry.com. And probably a few others that are escaping my memory right now. These days, PlentyOfFish.com and OkCupid.com are the two free online dating players worthy of your consideration.

But from both my personal experience and my coaching experience, I’ve learned that most people tend to fail in online dating and then blame the website.

This is like blaming the gym because you didn’t lose weight.

Site are just big boxes of single people who are trying to meet each other. Nobody shows them how to come up with clever usernames. Nobody teaches them what photos to post. Nobody illustrates how to create a unique, compelling online dating profile. Nobody teaches effective email techniques based on actual research.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

The closest anybody gets is OkCupid – and all they do is give you test results – approximately 27% of people respond to first emails, overall – they don’t show you HOW to write great first emails.

So if you’ve been frustrated with your results in online dating (and one look at the comments below indicates that you ARE), there are a number of things you can do differently to get different results. One of the most powerful ones has to do with writing first emails. Consider what most people say:

Subject: Hi

Text: Hey Pat102. I read your profile and you seem really cool. I liked your photos. You have a great smile and I think we have a lot in common, too. I noticed that you have a dog. I also have a dog. What kind do you have? Where do you like to walk your dog? Maybe we can get together sometime. So, check out my profile and if you like what I have to say, I really hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely, Chris.

If you’ve ever received an email like this, you know it sucks. But then why do you also WRITE emails like this as well? My theory is because it’s easiest – it’s what comes naturally to you. So you don’t put much thought into it, and, not surprisingly, it doesn’t get very good results. Why would it? There’s nothing funny, interesting, compelling, or different about such an email. Plus, it compliments the recipient too much – as if Chris is just praying that he/she is good enough for Pat102. No wonder Pat doesn’t respond to this display of weakness.

First emails are best when you offer your opinion of something specific in the person’s profile – but instead of doing what you normally do: “I agree. I like popcorn, too!”, you actually say something disagreeable, controversial, silly, or playful. Make an observation. Be sarcastic. Come up with a joke. Anything other than, “I like you. I like what you said. Please, please, please consider going out with me.”

For example, if someone says in his profile that he likes Costa Rica, you think about all the things you know about Costa Rica and search your brain for a humorous angle. Something other than, “I’ve heard it’s beautiful there! Tell me more!” Personally, I don’t know ANYTHING about Costa Rica, but I do know that all of my left-wing, liberal, neo-hippie friends go on yoga retreats there. Literally, the only reason I’ve even heard of Costa Rica is because of yoga.

So I use this in my email:

Subject: Yoga-Retreat Island

Hey, Pat. I have to be honest with you. I don’t know anything about Costa Rica; I think it’s in the Caribbean or Central America or something like that. All I know is that all of my left-wing yoga friends go on week-long retreats there every year. Which makes me wonder: what does it look like when you fly in at the airport? As the plane is descending, do you see 25,000 people doing down dog at the same exact time? Are there 25,000 more people who are ziplining from tree to tree? Inquiring minds want to know.

Talk soon, Chris.

You didn’t talk about yourself. You didn’t talk about the person you were writing to. You didn’t compliment the other person. You didn’t brag about yourself or sell yourself or ask anyone on any dates. You just made a silly observation about Costa Rica.

This is the way normal people talk when they go to parties. They don’t tap you on the shoulder and say, “You look cute. I think we have a lot in common. Let’s go out.”

It all starts with a little bit of witty banter.This technique is known as the Opinion Opener technique and it’s worked like a charm for thousands of women and men who’ve bought my Finding the One Online audio series.

If you’re sick of online dating – all the wrong people writing to you and the right people not writing back, here are four simple things I will teach you to do:

* You can come up with a new username/headline.
* You can post different online dating photos
* You can write a better online dating profile.
* You can improve your email technique.

All of this is explained in fascinating detail in Finding the One Online – with 7 hours of audio, a 180 page transcript and a 35 page workbook.

Click here to see for yourself how to make more people respond to your initial emails on Match.com.

Join our conversation (343 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1
    Karl R

    After I learned what I was doing, about 20%. Maybe a little bit higher. My response rate kept improving, so the percentage changed according to how long of a time period I look at.

    1. 1.1
      Gary Snyder

      You should try to be humorous, that’s a good tip. However, man or women, if they are low maintenance and find your picture attractive, a wink, or simply, “Hi, how are you ;)” works just fine. Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, “You had me at hello”?!   In fact, sometimes the more average message can help weed out the non-desirable, such as high maintenance people. Don’t over-think things. After all, you are only looking for one good one.

    2. 1.2
      Cards Pardmay

      I’m a 29 year old male and I get somewhere between a 70-80% response rate on a first message.   I consider myself handsome and very successful so that helps but still there’s no reason to have such a low response rate if you are actually putting in some effort and contacting people that would be a good match on paper for both you AND HER
      Here’s what I did,
      First, I created a female profile with a generic average picture and some random made up facts and then checked the messages after 3 days to scope out the competition to see what I’m up against (I’m a business owner it’s in my nature to know these things) . This dummy account had gotten around 85 messages over these three days and about 60 of them were short non personal easily spamable messages like “hi, want to chat” or some other nonsense that will be quickly ignored like the entire heard of them.
      Around 4-5 were ridiculous people with nothing better to do then swear up a storm to some stranger and another 4-5 were looking for sex right off the bat. Then there were maybe 10 or more personalized messages where you could tell the guy was trying to put some effort into starting a conversation but most of them were pretty lame attempts at getting someone to talk back. So at best these women are only get a few handfuls of legit attempts to woo them and trust me. Most men have no idea how to open a conversation so give it a minute and think it through.
      You’re not at a bar or being put on the spot so you should be able to come up with something clever that ends in a question that she will want to answer unless you are a terrible match and not worth her time. In which case you probably should of figured that out before you messaged her unless you are going after girls with profiles of just a picture and no content in which case you will likely need to be in the top 5-10 percentile of males to even peak her attention and that is if she is even a real women and not some other guys dummy profile collecting info on the competition.   Most of the women with little to no content on their profile are not worth your time. They are either fakes, or there for ego boosts or just looking around and not putting any effort at all so don’t waste your effort on them.
      So now that you are selecting probably good matches and creating witty emails ending in questions related to something in their profile you will need a good profile to lure her in.
      If you have an ugly mug then you will likely need to have plenty of pictures of you. Don’t put selfies, add pictures of you on vacation, traveling, doing what ever hobby you listed, you like sitting around camp fires? Good wheres a picture of you with a beer laughing with friends around the fire? Don’t put up pictures of your possessions trying to show them off it’s tacky and sends good girls walking. These pictures should show an array of your life with you having a good time not being super serious in all of them.
      The last part is your profile and this is where you win them over. Girls are complicated creatures but a vast majority of them enjoy reading and they are all suckers for words and the emotions they can bring. So spend a few hours and turn your profile into a 3-4 paragraph synopses that describes you and who you are eloquently. Make sure it flows smoothly without any hiccups and has parts that show your humor, playfulness and hints at your success without boasting or pointing it out. You need to create a little mysterious intrigue without spelling everything out for her. You want her to want to message you and find out what interesting things you hinted at but didn’t really describe. Also keep the “I” to an absolute bare minimum. This should read like a short synopses creating enough interest to suck these silly creatures into messaging you, never mind you messaging them.     
      And just remember, you are a male you are born to compete! Your half-hearted effort is being blown out of the water by some other man who wants it more so either rise to his level and compete with him or keep moping about not being able to get a reply as if it’s the girls fault you aren’t drawing their attention.

      1. 1.2.1

        Wow I am impressed everything you said was true and a great way to start getting to know someone. I will definitely be using some of your techniques to see if it works even though I am a woman I want to see if it works.

      2. 1.2.2

        Lol you’re the boss man

      3. 1.2.3

        You’re  quite clever I must say. Thanks for the advice. I’ll try to apply the same.

      4. 1.2.4

        Generally good advice.

        But seriously, after reading Amy Webb’s experiences and also based on my own experiences, profiles that are meaningful, yet succinct are the most effective.

        I don’t want to read a profile with more than 200-300 words. I don’t have the time. The photos themselves should express who you are so craft them carefully. The profile should be colorful enough to pique the targeted demographic and yet mysterious enough for them to want to know more. That is a delicate art form.

        Every time I see a profile with long monologues, even if it displays a superior intellect and interesting stories, I feel exhausted. I have read literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of profiles.

        Nobody needs to know all the music you’ve listened to or the books you’ve read in your life. Or all the countries you’ve traveled to. Or all the restaurants you visited.

        In the end, most of these people are passer-bys and are most certainly not your beloved. Don’t spill your guts except to your shrink.



        1. Jay


          I’m going to have to disagree with the majority of your statements here. If you don’t have time for me and reading my profile, then I don’t have time for you. It’s really as simple as that. If you’re actually interested in getting to know someone you shouldn’t feel that way, just an observation.

  2. 2
    Slim Pickens

    I don’t do mass mailings, I read profiles very carefully and compose my emails with the same amount of care. Not only do I make sure they have what I’m looking for, but also the other way around as well. My sample size is small, only 10 at the moment, but all but the very first one has responded. I still chat with 7 of the 9, and have met 4 of them in person.

    I’m sure my rate would go down if I was more active, and I’m sure I may end up overlooking something good too. But I’ll take that chance, this online stuff isn’t the only place I’m looking.

    1. 2.1

      Why waste the time being creative when for 90% of us men our emails will be deleted. Now if a women shows interest in my initial contact then I will be cocky, funny and employ all that jerk like behavior that USA Women love and passes for seduction.
      it’s a numbers game plain and simple…

      1. 2.1.1

        Here is what makes me not respond to an e-mail:

        Men who fall far outside of my stated profile preferences such as, out of state men, men who smoke, men who are young enough to be my son or old enough to be my father.

        No picture, unrecognizable picture, shirtless selfies, scowling faces in the pictures.

        OK, I’ll admit it, if there is a good clear picture where I can clearly see the face with a pleasant expression, and I don’t find the face somewhat appealing, I also pass. Not looking for drop dead handsome, but if the face totally turns me off, why bother ?

        Skimpy profile.

        Profile with lot’s of negatives such as “Please no drama” “No perfectionists please” or my personal favorite “no fatties”

        Profiles who’s stated goal is “casual sex”. I also steer away from anyone who is on a DATING site looking for “new friends”. I know how much men hate being “friend zoned”, so I suspect “new friends” is code for “friends with benefits”.

        Profiles where the man spends excessive amounts of time describing the physical attributes he wants in a woman. It’s fine if he says he wants a woman who is fit and attractive or takes pride in her appearance. But the profiles that go on an on about how they want someone who excercise every day, is manicured, pedicured, smells great, dresses fashionably, etc. get deleted.

        E-mails that just say “Hi” or “You’re Hot”.

        Obvious cut and paste.

        Here is what would make me respond:

        A decent profile with decent pics that show a smiling man with a face I could possibly fall in love with.

        A profile that does not show any glaring incompatibilities with me.

        Age and geographically appropriate.

        A nice friendly introductory e-mail that references SOMETHING that indicates he read my profile and didn’t just look at my picture. If he get something funny or witty in the letter that doesn’t hurt, but it’s not mandatory to me that the introductory letter be filled with witty banter. A nice friendly, sincere e-mail that seems to express genuine interest is all it takes.

        Any e-mails or profiles that suggest jerk like characteristics get deleted. And I’m a USA woman. Go figure.

        1. Timothy

          Well then ,
          It sounds like you’ve just got it All figured out then Emerald , don’t ya ?

        2. SparklingEmerald

          Timothy – Not sure why the snark. If you didn’t find the woman’s point of view, of why I would or would not respond to an e-mail helpful, then by all means, continue to go to PUA sites and let the men tell you that being a jerk on or offline always lands you the girl. And let me know how that works for you.

          I was very disappointed to read that not only did facebook conduct some social experiments with their users, but so did some dating sites. They hid pics on some profiles, and condensed profiles. (according to some online article) So that does make me wonder if I ever did not respond to guy without a pic, assuming that he was hiding something, when in fact it was THE DATING WEBSITE hiding his pic to try and prove a point. Or if I read a profile and really couldn’t get a handle on the guy, not because he couldn’t be bothered to write a decent profile, but because the dating site was running an experiment and decided to cut his profile in half. So I guess I didn’t have it all figured out, how was I to know that the dating sites may have been tampering with the profiles to conduct social research ? (or maybe the article was lie, who the heck knows any more ?)

          But it’s a moot point. Last year I responded to an age appropriate,(8 years older) local man (20 miles) whose profile showed showed a man with a pleasant face, a healthy active lifestyle ,looking for a life partner. We exchanged some e-mails, eventually met face to face and now we are a couple.

          Explain to me why I should waste my time writing to man half my age who smokes, lives 3 states away, and looks grumpy in all of his pictures ? Explain to me why “You’re hot” as the entirety of the e-mail should get my attention ?

          No, I don’t have it all figured out, but at least now I have a boyfriend.

        3. MotoBulldog88

          Yup, he’ll take the time to write that perfect and well thought out email and discover that you found his face “less than appealing.” Now that guy has to go and do the same thing for the next 10-15 women just to get a reply from someone. That’s the fight we have to put up with.

        4. john

          It is not just men check out sites with chat ,or more adult oriented sites you will be inundated with massive chats all from out of state ,a lot without photos usually turn out to be scams. Then when a real person chats and being from out side the profile area they seem to have a delusion as to how a relationship works one individual was willing to relocate how ever it is very easy to become emotionally attached more difficult to work at a long distance relationship . The overall issue is two fold we as men are taught not to relate but to pursue women as if there prey woman or taught that they do not want sex or are overly assertive yet they want to marry yet many do not fill out even the basics of the profile

        5. phil

          A decent looking, in shape guy can do   all the “right things”, & put forth some effort & still receive a very low response rate.   There are profiles that are expired, some women are overwhelmed, some expect perfection, & some are just seeking attention. So yes, it is possible, but very challenging & frustrating from the male perspective.


      2. 2.1.2

        Wow…way to be looking for the love of your life by calling us a numbers game. That is why women don’t respond..we know douchetard when we see it.

        1. Todd

          It is a numbers game. That’s the truth, if you’re unaware of how things work but willing to call people a douche for being honest we don’t need you.

  3. 3

    I’d say 8 out of 10 men respond when I make the first contact, which is not often. My strategy is much like Slim Pickens so my contacts are few and spread out over time.

    I will always respond to a thoughtful, carefully composed email even if just to say thank you for the time and attention but I don’t see us as a match. I do not feel compelled to respond to careless one liners or men who are so far outside of my criteria that I am not at all sure why they wrote to me.

    1. 3.1

      I tried being thoughtful and reading through every profile and spent more time tayloring a message specifically for them than I did actually reading profiles. Back then I was only 24 and that is just 1 year out of most ladies age range for some reason. So eventually I started carpet bombing all of them with the same message that was basic as far as saying “if age is not a deal breaker then I would like to get to know you more”. It was pretty much the only way that I got responses, yes maybe I would get 1 positive response out of 100 and maybe 1 response period for every 40 emails, but it was better than getting a slap in the face every time I took time to read through someone who seemed like they would be a perfect match. Despite the age difference I did end up going on 2 dates for the whole year I was on Match. Now I am 25 and that carpet bomb message just does not work as I am now in the age range for most women in their late 20’s and even early 30’s. 8 out of 10 is good though. It seems like women have it a lot easier on dating sites than men but the fact is most of you are getting played by the same smooth talker who carpet bombs but actually gets a higher response rate. Serial daters is what they are called. I don’t really like the nerves behind first dates but I carpet bombed to get a response period.  

  4. 4

    I rarely wrote to guys but the response rate was nearly 100% if I did.

    I responded to roughly 10% of the men that wrote me.

  5. 5
    Evan Marc Katz

    That’s a great point, XPuff. Not just what percent write you back, but what percent do you write back TO?

  6. 6

    less than 5%

    1. 6.1

      Yeah after spending a few months, I average about 3 to 4 percent.   Half of whom are scammers.

  7. 7

    I would say 90% or more of men I wrote to, wrote back. I probably responded to about 15-20% of e-mails once I knew what I was doing…I responded to more in the beginning but quickly learned that was way too much. I won’t say that I never responded to a wink (it has been about 3 years since I was on Match regularly so hard to say) but very, very few. I sent lots of winks and probably got a 20-30% response rate from them (I was a 23 year old 8+ then, rather than a 28 year old 7 🙂

  8. 8
    Dr. Jenn

    Hmmm…I met my husband on match.com. Before him, I’d say 40-50 percent wrote back. I was very proactive and wrote personalized emails to anyone I thought could possibly be a good match. I do think the more you put out there- the more you have to expect not to here from. And not to take it personally. And heck, you may need to exchange emails with 10 people before you even want to meet one! I think it’s partly a numbers game and you just have to keep at it till you find your diamond in the haystack!

  9. 9

    I agree with Rich — less than 5%.

  10. 10
    happy girl

    I would say 20 %

  11. 11
    Evan Marc Katz

    Absolutely, JuJu. You just have to register below:

    See you there – and keep answering the daily questions – your contributions are appreciated.


  12. 12

    Will there be a recording of the class? I have school on Tuesdays until 9:30 pm.

  13. 13

    I’m not currently using Match.com, but I have in the past and I’m currently on a similar dating site. When I make the first contact by writing to a man, I almost always get a response — I’d estimate 95% of the time. I don’t do winks or “flirts.” I generally answer all thoughtfully written messages I receive, thanking the sender, even if I’m not interested in further contact. I rarely respond to the one-liner, “You’re hot” messages. They’ve gotta come up with something better than that if they want a response from me.

    1. 13.1

      Zann, I want to thank you for having the unselfishness and appreciation to make the effort to write back to the majority of men who write you. Being ignored and made to feel invisible is rude and insensitive. As a man I get very few first contacts and when I do, frankly the women are often unattractive and do so out of desperation. I answer every single one and if I have no attraction to then at all I offer a neutral response with a cheerful attitude and wish them good luck. We’re all looking for love and no matter how unappealing a person may be, by filling out a profile and writing people they are at least trying.  

      1. 13.1.1

        I agree. I wish more people would have the respect to at least answer thank you but no thank you so you can just move on instead of leaving them hanging. The ones I really don’t understand are the ones that initiate contact then don’t respond when you write them.

        1. Ampresandman

          I’m glad to know that I am not the only guy seeing this same problem. Thank you for being one of the “good ones”. I just want some honest feed back. I mean we are online for Gods sake it is already impersonal. If I am rude in any way tell me. If I am not attractive, tell me. At least put me in my place so I do not continue sending messages to women that have the self worth of a super model. Matt I am having the same problem. I had someone initiate a conversation with me and when I reply I don’t hear anything back yet they remain online. The best part is when someone like that does finally reply when you send a second message days later and say “oh it’s been a busy week”. Maybe I should start playing those games and see how quick I get away with them.

      2. 13.1.2

        “….  frankly the women are often unattractive and do so out of desperation”

        Wow. I applaud you for responding to the emails regardless of your interest, but the above is a pretty sad statement, don’t you think?   You have every right to find someone unattractive, but to say they are contacting you out of desperation is an insult to both you and these women.   Why is it okay to call someone desperate just because you’re not personally attracted to them?   If I was searching and picked up on that attitude in your profile, i don’t care if you’re George Clooney-level hot, I would never reach out.   I’m not trying to bash you, but that statement says alot about your frame of mind going into things.

        1. Bryan

          Thanks for your reply. I did a poor job of wording the point I made about receiving 1st emails from women who were unattractive and/or desperate. It is difficult to describe such a dynamic thing as online dating in a brief comment. What I have experienced is receiving emails from women who do not match my criteria virtually in any way. When I said attractive I didn’t just mean looks. Unlike many men who use broad criteria so as not to miss out on any opportunities, I have a profile which shows I’m not interested at all in women who smoke, do drugs, live more than 100 miles away, are overweight or beyond my age range. However I get emails from women who have not one but several of these unwanted attributes. I am 46, no kids, no drugs, no smoking, athletic, never been married and have my own house and business. A 50 year old, smoker with 3 kids who describes themselves as a homebody is either desperate or they don’t read my basic checklist. That’s the type of person I was referring to and yet I still reply. I don’t email any woman who is out of my league, meaning I don’t substantially meet her criteria, yet most don’t reply at all. That’s the reason I find online dating mostly a waste of time for a man. Interestingly enough, I have had great success on the site Tinder which requires the woman to mostly make a judgment on looks to be able to chat and take it further. Best of luck to you!

    2. 13.2

      Please do not take it personnally if the woman does not respond to your messages. I could get between 200 to 400 emails in a couple of days. I once tried to respond to every one who wrote to me but the site would either limit the number of messages I could send or the men would take this as a sign to bombard me with more messages even though I had told them that I wasn’t interested. Not to mention those who insult you.

      As for men who send the same messages to all the women, believe me, we know. We are not stupid. And good for you if it works but a good, authentic woman does not want to be one among many. We want to be unique and treated as such.

      Finally, I would say be yourself when you send someone an email. Be funny and original. I met my boyfriend on Plenty of fish. And the one thing he did was stand out. Because his profile pictures were horrible. Lol

      1. 13.2.1

        Do you think it’s possible to send so many unique messages?

        1. bobloblaw

          of course….women’s demands are never excessive.

    3. 13.3

      I wish that most women were like you, Zann.

      My experience with online dating has definitely not been a good one for me, and I often end up feeling like nobody wants anything to do with me, and that I’m just not good enough.

      It has caused me to decide that renewing my Match.com subscription just wasn’t worth the price, and that I’d be better served going speed dating. I’m going to try that, but between work and being on the other side of town, I expect it to be difficult

      I have also had run ins with several scam artists, the first one of which blasted a hole in my heart. I’ve been trying (unsuccessfully) to fill in that hole ever since.

      I have become suspicious of anyone who returns an interest in me, because my past experience has been that most are people trying to rip me off, and the one person who was real found someone else before I was even given a single date.

      I have become jealous of men who actually have found someone, and think too often that love is meant for other people, and not me.

      I hate thinking this way, but there is very little I can do about it, aside from trying to shut my emotions off.

      I realize that women who are even somewhat attractive can receive at least dozens of messages a week, but it would help so much if more people tried to make online dating a positive experience, instead of outright ignoring me.

  14. 14

    Though I’m not sure why, my batting average has varied widely. At certain points it’s about 75% or so, and during one miserable spell it was about 10%. I’d say it averages out to around 40%.

    In terms of who I respond to, I have no idea. So much of the garbage that gets sent to me I don’t really think of as e-mails. But if someone actually writes me a nice personalized message, I will almost always write them back.

  15. 15

    I don’t remember the last time I initiated a correspondence, so my answer to that would be statistically immaterial.

    As for how many e-mails from men I reply to: as some other women already said, if the e-mail is well-written and well thought-out, I will usually respond, even if I am not interested romantically. If the man is too short (and my last profile did specify a minimum height requirement), I could say something like, “Sorry, I just can’t imagine myself with someone who is 5’6″, but I certainly wouldn’t mind being friends” (not sure anyone appreciates this sort of a response, though, so maybe I should just quit being what I perceive as nice). If I don’t find the face particularly attractive (for me this would mean, kissable), then my further activity will depend on whether I think there is any chance at all that in person this man will turn out to be acceptable. If I think there is, I will agree to meet with him once – not a big expenditure of my time or effort, after all, and I could potentially gain an interesting friend as a result. If, otoh, I DON’T allow for the possibility, then that is probably the only instance when I will not reply to an intelligent e-mail. I just don’t see what I could possibly say that would sound more pleasant to him than my silence.

    Oh, I absolutely do not dignify form letters with a response. I’ve seen other people’s profiles, I know exactly how much mine stands out, and I am confident it deserves nothing less than a personalized answer.

    1. 15.1

      yup. that would be like me saying to you “sorry i just cant imagine myself with 3 out of 10 woman like you” but i certainly wouldn’t mind being friends. lol

    2. 15.2

      Whew. Good thing you’re not shallow.

    3. 15.3

      Yea I don’t think a guy can fake a friend ship with a woman after said woman already knows that he is attracted yet you pretty much tell him that he is not attractive. Don’t get me wrong, by all means tell a dude if he is not attractive to you, and be specific, every guy needs to learn his place if nothing else.  

    4. 15.4

      I also find dating sites to be frustrating. Of course I’m also deficient in looks, intelligence, personality, and so forth, so finding a match is virtually impossible anyway. I’ve been reading through this, wanting to know more about what people think and why they do what they do. I replied to your post JuJu because I was thinking, finally, a woman who leaves things like friendship, and making new friends/acquaintances open, rather than the “I’m not attracted to this person so it’s over”. I’d have been more than happy just to make some new friends on OKC, but frankly, writing lengthy emails to people and not getting responses is exhausting, so I write only a little these days. I created a dummy profile once with my brother (who is well-to-do & attractive) and wrote similar emails to the women I had written to. It did increase responses, but not by nearly as much as I would have thought.

  16. 16

    I respond to all, except winks, though if they just write one sentence, and it’s lame, I tend to use the auto reply feature, “Thanks but we’re just not a match.”

    A few men I have, “rejected,” (hard to call it that when they very barely try) are obnoxious back, and those I block. No need to leave a space for abuse.

    When I write men they almost always respond. However, I unfortunately seem to find men of interest that are, “geographically undesirable,” as Click n’ Clack would say, and they write back, but turn me down based on this fact alone. Some of them say they are flattered, some are just matter-of-fact. One man, “rejected,” me because he said he was, “hard wired,” for a petite woman. That made me laugh out loud, and then shudder at the thought of how skinny he must need a woman to be. Yeek. Scary.


  17. 17

    I’d say about 10% to 20% of the time.

    I respond about 50% of the time to the guys who write me first and 100% to those who write thoughtful personalised messages to me.

    I think I might just have met ‘the One’ online recently. Time will tell.. i

  18. 18

    On Match(which I hate) I was on for a month and got about 2 responses to about 30 or 40 emails. On Yahoo which I’ve been on for years I get about 2 for every 15 to 20 I email. I like Yahoo better than Match …Obviously…LOL

  19. 19

    I’m currently active on Match and OKCupid. Over the last 16 months…
    I’ve contacted 2 woman, had responses from both, went on one date with one. 100% on a tiny sample.
    I’ve gotten incoming messages from seven women, met three, dated one, emailed the other four, currently in contact with three of them.
    I’ve gotten around six winks, said thanks but no thanks to all.
    I also date in the real world.
    BTW, I’m bald, average looking, 5’10”, fit, active, employed and can dance.

  20. 20

    Juju wrote something I’ve been curious about — she said that she mentioned to someone that they could be friends. When people say that after going on 1 or 2 date, are they really serious? I personally have said that to a couple of guys that I dated where there wasn’t any chemistry. I quickly discovered that from a practical standpoint, trying being friends with a date that didn’t work out, is weird and not especially productive. I already have enough friends to keep me busy and engaged. Then add to that the search for a SO and I just couldn’t fit those other guys in. Finally, it really is awkward if one person still has romantic feelings. You worry that they guy is trying to use you or you are trying to use the guy. So, while I think in theory it is nice to tell someone let’s be friends, in practice it’s much more difficult.

    Unlike some of the women on this blog, I didn’t receive lots of emails or winks. So as they saying goes beggars can’t be chosers. So, as long as the guy hasn’t written anything inappropriate and I like his profile, then I am satisfied and will reply back. I will respond to winks, short emails, mass emails, and long emails alike. Old and average ladies just get very little love. Now, I won’t go out with just any man, but if I like the profile, I really have nothing to lose by replying back.

    1. 20.1

      I’m not sure the “highly SMV” ladies have it any better than us “low/no SMV” do.   They just have w different set of issues.

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