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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
Evan,

Please help me. I have a friend who sleeps with every guy she meets/knows, including my guy friends. The problem is that she literally just sleeps. She prefers to sleep next to a male, so if we are out at a party/bar or at a friend’s place just having drinks, she will start talking to a guy and wind up sleeping in his bed with him.   She is always on the prowl for a new relationship and she insists this is a good “test” to see if these guys are genuine, but gets extremely frustrated and angry when the guy starts making moves on her in bed.   She is a beautiful girl and wears pretty revealing clothing so she has no problem getting attention from guys, but once she gets them into bed she wants to have these deep conversations with them and then go to sleep. I love hanging out with her but when it comes time to go home I just can’t get her away. I never know what to say to her about it and I really need a male’s point of view on this whole situation. Is this acceptable or is she just being a huge tease?

Sincerely,

Victoria

Dear Victoria,

You can’t see me right now, but I’m on the 16th floor of the lovely Affinia Hotel in New York City. If you were to stack 200 mattresses up from the street to my window to measure how big a tease your friend is, you still couldn’t do it. I’m amazed, astounded and somewhat amused at her ginormous “teasiness.”

Now let’s get one thing straight — I don’t think that if a woman comes home with a guy that she is “asking for it.” No one “deserves” sex because he was charming at a bar or paid for a nice meal. On the other hand, there are some basic unwritten societal rules. And it seems that your friend is carrying her very own rulebook and wondering why no one else is playing the same game.

In principle, she remains just. She doesn’t want a man to want her exclusively for her body. But in administering this ridiculous (and somewhat cruel) test, she’s bound to bring out the worst in people. Most of us can recount a long night spent chastely talking to a stranger until the wee hours of the morning. Those evenings are special, and can arise organically from any number of circumstances — a wedding after-party, a party where everyone else has gone to sleep, a red-eye cross-country flight. But to pick up a drunk guy at a bar, go back to his house, and expect him to keep his hands off? Your friend is inviting herself to be assaulted…. She is lucky that there have not been worse ramifications thus far. And yes, I am serious.

Creating an expectation of sex with a man and pulling away the prize is just the kind of thing that could invite a man’s rage. Drunk men who pick up strange women aren’t always the most rational lot, and I speak as a man who has picked up strange women under the influence of alcohol.

And so, Victoria, you’re right to be concerned for your friend. Not only is she setting herself up for failure — akin to offering a hungry man a steak and throwing it in the garbage — but she’s also putting herself in a very dangerous position.

Tests are, in general, a bad idea for relationships. But to test a strange guy’s sexual willpower before he’s emotionally invested in her? Not a very smart idea. Tell her to start giving out her phone number instead of going back to administer the cuddle test.

After all, if he can’t pass the first test of calling her, he should have no business being in bed with her.