Am I Foolish For Waiting For A Non-Committal Man To Commit?

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 months now (I’m 26 and he’s 28). We go out about once a week. We have a lot of fun together and definitely seem to click. Sometimes I feel like he’s letting me in – like when he introduced me to his mom when she was in town. Other times he shuts me out – no contact for a day or two cause he’s busy with work, or he’ll tell me about parties he goes to but rarely invites me along. He admits to compartmentalizing his life.

Since I know how much he values his independence and tends to shy away from change, I hadn’t brought up the “state of affairs” talk in the past…hoping things would evolve naturally on their own. I also know he likes to move slowly but I guess I hit my limit this weekend and told him how I’ve been feeling. I said I would like to get closer and know where he sees this going. He told me that he’s not emotionally in a place in his life for a serious relationship (due to ex baggage, etc), but he really cares for me and would like to keep seeing me. He admitted that he didn’t know where he’d be in the future, but right now, this is all he has to give. He said he knows I deserve to have what I want and that I had a right to walk away but he doesn’t want me to.

I really do care about him and he’s the first guy in a long time I can see myself with…if he actually let me in, that is. I don’t want to lose him but I’m not sure that I can be satisfied having a superficial relationship with him. I don’t have to be his girlfriend right now but I at least want to know that we’re progressing and the possibility is there rather than just heading blindly for a dead end that will leave me even more hurt. Is it silly to hold on to this and hope that one day his feeling will be strong enough change his mind or am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

Jill

Dear Jill,

A healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable man is like a threesome with Brad Pitt and George Clooney. Only in your dreams.

It kills me to hear sweet women like you holding onto a prayer like this. And yet this is the most popular question I get. Click your heels three times if you’ve heard this before.

“I’ve been dating this guy for (X Months) now and I like him more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. I see him (Y times) a week and while he tells me he cares about me and ultimately wants to settle down, he also makes it very clear that he’s not in a good place right now. I believe him and really want to make this work but I’m not sure I can take it anymore because I want a future with him. The uncertainty is killing me. Can I get him to commit or should I get out now?”

You already know what I’m gonna tell you, Jill, but I’ll stretch it out to make you see my point of view yourself. Here we go – based solely on what you wrote in your email.

Dating for 6 months. Seeing each other once a week. Is this guy a boyfriend? Or just a guy you sleep with once a week. A boyfriend is committed to you. He calls you every day. He buys you things because he’s thinking of you. He wants to see you during most of his spare time. Ask yourself if this guy passes those boyfriend tests.

Shuts me out. No contact for a day. Not invited to parties. Not very boyfriend like. You know how I can tell?… I’ve BEEN that guy. I’ve dated people who I liked but didn’t want to lose, but went out to parties seeing if I could trade up. And as long as he can keep you around without committing to you, who can blame him?

Likes to move slowly. Values his independence. Shies from change. Looks like you should be doing PR for him, because you’ve bought all of his bullshit excuses, hook, line and sinker.

Told me he’s not emotionally in a place for a relationship – Um, and what was it you said you wanted? That’s right. A relationship.

Said I deserved to have what I wanted and had a right to walk away – Hey! The first thing he’s gotten right.

So listen to this man of integrity and take his sage advice.

Walk away and don’t look back.

If he follows, you’ll know you’ll have yourself a boyfriend who values you and will follow you to the end of the earth. That is what you deserve.

If he doesn’t, then he’s not all that serious about keeping you in his life, is he?

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Happy hard man

    Yep your foolish. A guy will commit on his OWN accord. Nothing a woman does will make him honestly commit. You dump him reject all his “get back together” requests and don’t be surprised if one day years maybe decades later you get a message of any kind phone call, email, text, any kind where he boldly and plainly expresses his willingness to commit and wants to get to know you again and see if he is right in wanting to give it another try. Don’t play hard to get or you will blow it.   Make sure if you are married or involved its semi publicly known,  a guy who honestly wants to commit will not start a relationship again with a attached or taken woman and just move on.  If your not married and willing to have more than one lover in your life always keep your publically known relationship status a mystery to men who don’t keep up with your life.

  2. 92
    Patrick

    At that age men are afraid of a married future.  As with every deal you have to negotiate the terms.  Women have a lot of expectations of a husband, some a man is not willing to fulfill. Men are usually aware of these expectations while dating and are afraid of them.  Men want or are willing to fulfill a lot of expectations its the few he is afraid of that go undiscussed stopping him from going to the next step.  Ask him what goes thru his mind when thinking of a married future with you wait three days and ask again. Hopefully you can get him into a opening up moment that get to a negotiation level and work out an agreement. Sometime you have to say your I don’t before you say your I do’s.

  3. 93
    Elise Alexander

    Hi,

    I have a man in my life who I care about. But as time went on he has cheated on me, told me apologize which I thought was the least he can do. We took some time apart for a couple weeks. He called me asked me if he could come over. We went out, then we just seemed like nothing has happened. I found out while viewing his profile on line that he went from wanting a relationship to noncommittal. I was  Totally blown away!!  I told him that I found out about it when we were apart from each other.  That I felt bad the way I found out because I felt like I was invading his privacy. We lack so much communication.

    I met this guy on line. I know that it’s over. I just want some Reassurance. As I read this I go OMG!!  Rather embarrassed too.

  4. 94
    Raven

    Ask him if he is seeing other women if you need something for closure. But listen to the advice walk away fast.

  5. 95
    Kh77

    I was seeing a guy for almost two months and when it came time for him to commit or not he gave me the “I’m not ready for a relationship”, he blamed being hung up on an ex. We chatted for a few days after that then he vanished into thin air. The guy texts me a month later out of the blue apologizing for disappearing (okay fine), then has the nerve to ask if we can be friends (this is code for back up girl, it’s a classic lie) and I wasn’t having it. The kicker? He told me he was in a relationship now and at this point I told him not to contact me ever again. Bottom line, anytime I’ve heard the old I’m not ready  (insert whatever excuse here) it just means with you. I also know his girlfriend didn’t know he’d been reaching out to a woman he’d very recently been dating (and intimate with) trying to be “friends” and it gave me insight into how he would have been with me. Always looking for the better deal. I think I dodged a bullet.

  6. 96
    Marie

    I just got out of  a eight year relationship with a man that never committed to anything serious, but always made promises that I would be the one when he was ready. Actions speak louder than words! Don’t waste your time thinking they might or will one day, if they don’t, move on! Life is too short to waste your time when you deserve the best! Never settle for less than what you want, if the relationship doesn’t make you happy and you’re more stressed about it, let if go! I wish I would of a long time ago. Lesson learned the hard way.

  7. 97
    the one who knows

    How come no one makes the connection between the access to easy sex and the reason why the man is dragging out what he knows is a dead end relationship?  Intro to the Mom? Big deal.  Have you spoken to mothers of sons?  Do you know how many different girls they meet?!?!

  8. 98
    Tiffany

    I feel for this girl because I’ve been doing this for 3 years & it only gets worse. This level of selfishNess with the mind confusing sweet words to keep you holding on. I lost my child in a miscarriage 3 days after I found out he had gone out with another girl. We didn’t know I was pregnant & he left me!!! Of course I tried again with him & now he says he needs to bottom out before he can love again. So bye bye me again. He says he wishe’s he could put me in a box & take me out when he is ready again but he knows he can’t & that maybe we will find each other again when the timing is right. I’m so hurt her has ruined me & to make it worse I love his daughter like my own & now I have double the loss.He’s 51 & I’m 39 I look like I’m in my 20’s but I just can’t keep going through this & I don’t have it in me to start all over again.

  9. 99
    Lara

    why is this so common? its pretty sad. Here is my story…I have been with someone for 2 years now, we both work online so we meet every now and then and rent a place together for 2 or 3 months. We get on brilliant, He first told me he was not ready for a relationship. He had some big controlling parental issues and suffers from axiety. In time this issue has gone better but his attitude has not changed, he slept with someone while we were apart and then when being together, he still kept in touch with her until I asked him to. Again he realised it was hurting me so he bacame loving again. We spent the last 4 months sharing a place together butevery time I suggested a plan for after summer (he was going away for 3 months) he baceme anxious. I then told him I wanted to finish the relationship, and then he got closer than ever. Just again, when he left and I asked him to let me know if he found someone else while he was away to please let me know, and asked him to meet before the date we had agreed, he went on again with the I am not ready for a relationship crap, but said he wanted to see me again and even maybe buy a piece of land in a plce we stay. It is just way too confusing… and has left me in a chaos state again. So im now determine to finish and let some fresh air in…. hoping so!

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