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I’ve been dating a girl for three years. When we first met it was long distance and I fell for her pretty deeply. But then after 6 months of her living in the same city (about a year later), I started to have doubts.
She’s probably the best person I’ve ever met. She is the most genuine kind person and we are very compatible in whatever we do together. But at the same time, she’s probably a 7.5 and I’m constantly pulled to “trade up” for a hotter girl. I dated lots of hotter girls before dating her but because they were long distance an attraction wasn’t the biggest issue.
I think it’s because I never feel like I’m excited with her. We get along, but I’d rather be out on the weekends with my friends than with her because she and I just do/talk about the same things we always do. I think we’d make a great long-term couple, but I feel like there may be something missing.
But, I can’t decide if I feel like there’s something missing because I’m irrationally pulled by hotter girls I know I can get (who may not be as kind-hearted and good for me), or if I’m actually settling. I don’t know if I should logically choose the good match or hold out for a relationship where I feel like nothing is missing.
What are your thoughts?
Thanks,
Matt
Matt,
Your question doesn’t reveal your age, but I’m going to guess 26 because you referred to your girlfriend as “a girl” instead of a woman.
At 26 you may or may not have had a lot of dating or sexual experience. At 26, you may or may not have had any career success. At 26, your brain has finally finished maturing. Which is to say that you have experienced as much as one can experience in five years post-college — and that’s not very much. Which is why I’m far more sympathetic to your question than when I get the exact same thing from a 57-year-old woman, who, presumably should know a little something about how love works.
So, “as a guy, do you get swept off your feet like a girl?” Sure, you CAN get swept off your feet. It just means that you’re not thinking very clearly. You’re treating those first-year “in love” feelings as if they were indicators of a future, and they’re not. I got swept off my feet in both 2003 and 2004. One girlfriend dumped me in 6 months. The other dumped me in 3 months. Long story short: I do believe you can tell when someone is WRONG for you, but it’s a lot harder to tell when someone is RIGHT for you. That’s what you’re going through right now. This is actually healthy.
That’s right: healthy. Now that the chemical haze of lust has worn off (as it always does), you can finally see your partner for all that she is. And what do you see, Matt? “She’s probably the best person I’ve ever met. She is the most genuine kind person and we are very compatible in whatever we do together.”
You can tell when someone is WRONG for you, but it’s a lot harder to tell when someone is RIGHT for you.
Yeah, that sounds a lot like the way happily married men describe their wives. The problem is that something is “missing.” In your words:
“I can’t decide if I feel like there’s something missing because I’m irrationally pulled by hotter girls I know I can get (who may not be as kind-hearted and good for me), or if I’m actually settling. I don’t know if I should logically choose the good match or hold out for a relationship where I feel like nothing is missing.”
Put it this way, from a guy who asked himself the same embarrassing questions 7 years ago:
You will ALWAYS be irrationally pulled by hotter girls who are not as kind-hearted and good for you. You will age. Your wife will age. Those girls will never age. You can appreciate their beauty from afar the way you’d appreciate a rainbow. Just know that you can’t build a life with someone if you’re constantly trying to trade up. If you want the Hugh Hefner life, that’s your business. Feel free to cycle through new hotties every six months until you die. But if you’re looking to build something significant and permanent, you’re exactly where you need to be.
Are you missing out on dozens of exciting new women that you could theoretically “get”?
Absolutely.
Life is about tradeoffs. By staying in this relationship, you’re sublimating your libido and ego to build a life with someone. It’s what most married men do.
Will pursuit of those women make you happier than staying with your amazing girlfriend?
I highly doubt it.
Life is about tradeoffs. By staying in this relationship, you’re sublimating your libido and ego to build a life with someone. It’s what most married men do. By junking your relationship, you can pull another woman who may be more attractive — and may even be just as nice — but in three years, you know what? You’re not going to be excited by her either. The same way you’re not excited about your “new car” after it’s been in your driveway for three years. That’s just the way it goes.
So if you need to sow your wild oats, I wouldn’t be judgmental in the least. I’m just letting you know that if/when you decide to get married, it’s going to look EXACTLY like the relationship you have today. The only question is whether you’re going to marry your current “7.5” girlfriend or the next “10” who, after 3 years, also turns into a 7.
Christine says
Well, I’m in a similar relationship right now as Matt yet I don’t feel like anything is “missing”. I suppose it’s all in how you look at it! I’m personally grateful to be in a relationship with a really kind, patient and generous guy I feel comfortable with.
There will always be someone younger and hotter, no matter who you pick! Even in Hollywood, actresses and models age, and there are always younger, hotter starlets coming up as the next big thing. If you’re constantly looking to trade up, you’ll never be able to really settle down with one person, because someone hotter will always come along. Not to mention, as you age and lose your looks yourself, you won’t always necessarily be able to attract hotter people. Most men don’t have Hugh Hefner’s financial clout to get young hotties into old age (call me cynical but no, I don’t believe any of those 20-somethings “loved” anything but his wallet!)
Even if he can get hotter women, they’re not always what they’re cracked up to be, as he acknowledges (by saying they might not be as kind-hearted and good for him). I actually don’t think he can do “better” than what he has right now.
Mo says
Great answer Evan! Really well put!
JaO says
Great insight, Evan.
Just one thing to add regarding the excitement part: it feels kind of natural that the excitement wears off, exactly like it goes away after you own a car for a little while (even if its your dream car). BUT, noone said that things that worked intuitively, without much effort in the beginning, can’t be improved later with conscious effort. Meaning, get out of your confortable, predictable way of doing things, try something different, a new hobby, a new activity, new places, new habits. If you find something that keeps your interest, invite your girlfriend to join you. You dont have to buy a new car to feel excitement again. Just drive the one that you have to different, never seen places. You will be suprised.
Fran says
I like it. Honest question and honest answer 🙂
Evan, I found it interesting that you mentioned age. Out of interest would have the reply been different if Matt has been on his 40s?
Evan Marc Katz says
No. In fact, I’m baffled by the question. You think I’d tell a man in his 40’s to be MORE picky and dump his devoted girlfriend for someone hotter? Uh uh. I’d give this exact same advice to anyone of any age or either gender.
Fran says
Yes I agree! I guess I wouldn’t have been surprised if you had given this advice to someone a bit older. Maybe like Popee I would have thought 26 is still to young.
Great advice anyway. I like to see men’s questions anwered in your blog 🙂
Fran says
*too young
Not Jerry says
Fran,
I agree with you. Men, ya know, there’s a lot of us. Heh.
Katie says
I was thinking the same thing. Lol. Like why..
Katie says
Makes sense now though. Lol thanks for clarifying for us.
popee says
Age is a huge factor on this IMO. If he is in his 20s, I’d say don’t settle just yet. Don’t make the mistake of committing to someone you are not 100% sure you want to be with them. If you are as shallow as someone who rates women by numbers and you want to score as high as possible, do your gf a favor, and let her go. You should pursue these women now because THIS is the time to do it. You are young, not married, no kids.
A.D. says
I agree. I was that kind of gf too. The guy thought I was not “hot” enough and that he was missing on something. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a nice “just letting you go” break up, but who cares now. Has he gotten someone hotter? Likely. Is he satisfied? Maybe. It’s been only 3 years though. Nobody knows how he would feel about it in 10 years when he’s in his mid-thirties.
What’s important for me is that I’m happy now with someone who appreciates me and madly in love with me even though I’m not Kate Upton.
So yeah, let her go, Matt, she deserves better.
anonymous says
The part that worries me is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with her very much. If it’s like this now, how is he going to feel about (spending time with) her some decades down the road?
mgm531 says
I had the same thought. It sounds like they have sort of fallen into the same routine of doing the same things all the time, but not really having many shared interests. I thought it was telling that he was much more interested in spending time with his friends than with her. That indicates to me that they really don’t have much in common with each other. Not exactly a great recipe for a long term relationship. Maybe that is the ‘something missing’ aspect that he is referring to.
Not Jerry says
Congratulations, Matt.
You’re officially “shallow”.
I have a friend that I talk about relationships with. Now, this guy, I call him my “shallow friend”.
He met a woman, whom he really likes.
For the first 6 months he would tell me how great she is, and how much he likes her, but how “she’s not pretty enough, she’s not what I really want”.
I have talked to him for years about the women he meets. He tells me how hot they are. And mostly it comes down to how shallow they all are, and how they would each trade him for someone better whenever they met anyone. And some did indeed dump him and trade up. Very attractive people, his standard for women. People who have a lot of options.
The funny thing is, though his current gf does have some problems, a few serious health problems, stuff like that, she is a thoroughly nice person, and she really loves him. Would do *anything* for him. He admits the sex is great! I’ve met her, she is indeed very nice.
So he complains weakly to me about her problems, but of all the women he has told me about that he has met over the years at no time was he ever, ever as complimentary toward any of the others.
I told him “sounds like she’s the one”. He responds “she’s not what I really want”.
And then he goes on and on about how great she is.
I gave him a real hard time about this, she is so great, he is very complimentary talking about her, but “she’s not what I really want”. After I got on his case we didn’t talk for a while. He got mad at me. But he’s still with her. Heh.
Ridiculous.
If you find a great person, or even a good person, and things are going well, just keep in mind that you could do worse. You probably *have* done worse in the past.
Don’t screw up a good thing. It can be hard to find. Some have been looking for that for a long time.
Sunflower says
I don’t know if classifying him as shallow is very fair. If he is truly 26, what he’s experiencing is pretty much the norm in questioning where he’s at in his life and how he truly feels about his gf. That doesn’t make his shallow, just wanting to make the right choice. Sounds like a pretty typical guy to me.
Noemi says
Really? Someone who compares hotter women to his girlfriend is pretty darn shallow. He acknowledges that his girlfriend has wonderful qualities, but is at war with the notion that he could “trade up” for hotter girls. If that isn’t shallow, sunflower, then what is?
Sunflower says
It’s not shallow, it’s reality. Who hasn’t at one time or another been in a relationship where you found someone hotter than your mate and questioned whether you could do better. It’s a human thought and I would bet the majority of people have experienced it, even you.
Karmic Equation says
I’m with Noemi.
It’s one thing to acknowledge that there are hotter men than my guy. Literally hundreds of men who are hotter, even though I haven’t met most of them. Just check out IMDb 🙂
But it’s another to think, “Hmmm. Maybe I should dump him because I can get a hotter guy.”
The first IS human nature. To notice and acknowledge hotter human beings.
It’s definitely shallow to consider dumping the one you have for someone who is better looking.
Dumping a hot guy who treats you poorly for a hotter guy who may or may not treat you just as poorly might be ok.
But then again you might want to consider dating guys who treat you well over guys who are merely good to look at.
Karmic Equation says
I meant “generic you”, not you specifically, Sunflower.
Noemi says
“It’s not shallow, it’s reality. Who hasn’t at one time or another been in a relationship where you found someone hotter than your mate and questioned whether you could do better. It’s a human thought and I would bet the majority of people have experienced it, even you.”
It may be reality, but it’s still shallow. I won’t villify someone who is shallow, but shallow is shallow. Just calling it like it is. I’ve never seen someone hotter than my mate and questioned if I could do better. So, no. I’ve been cheated on by a boyfriend and questioned whether I could do better. Now that, yes.
Sunflower says
Let’s keep it in perspective. I never said “cheating,” or meant acting on those thoughts. They are merely thoughts and as human beings we all have impure thoughts. Whether we act on them or not determines our character.
popee says
@sunflower
That is the equivalent of a woman saying “my BF is great, the sweetest man I have ever met, I like spending time with him but truth be told I’d rather hang out with my girlfriends…he doesn’t make a lot of money and I get asked out all the time by guys who are really successful and attractive and have a lot more to offer than he does…should I break up with him and pursue my other options?”
The question is legitimate, neither is REALLY into the person they are with (that is the bottom line here) and if they have actual options and not perceived options, then it’s a matter of not settling because they really aren’t all that into the person they are with. Both judge people by superficial qualities. The woman would be tagged a “gold digger” by men and the man a sexist player by women.
Not Jerry says
He’s mid 50s, never married, no kids, with all that normally entails.
She is a couple years older. Thoroughly nice.
Not Jerry says
Not that you shouldn’t try to find the best person for *you*. But I get alarmed when I find people trading up who have plenty good to say about their present relationship.
A.D. says
AND using numbers to rate his long-time gf as like he was a pick-up artist looking to hook up with someone at the bar.
Christina says
I agree with you Not Jerry. Usually people like your friend doesn’t know what he wants. He is just shooting in the dark, thinking that somehow one day he is going to feel completely and utterly satisfied.
Not going to happen.
I think we attract the energy we give out so if he has a trade-up mentality, it is no surprise he got traded up along the way. He also sounds hypocritical. Listing their traits and then complaining all in one full swop. If he is unhappy, leave. If he is happy, stay. What’s the point of complaining or celebrating? You are probably better off without him as a friend. He is most likely complaining and celebrating you behind your back, like these women.
popee says
My first bf and I remained friends. He was really good looking, a bit of a flirt (i.e. liked female attention) and a scientist. A few years after we broke up (I was in my early 20s) he got together with the woman he eventually married. Before they married he confided in me that he was attracted to many super hot women he could pull but he had that relationship. I told him break up if you really want this because if you don’t live out these fantasies they will haunt you, or, maybe try to have some more excitement in your sex life (which he’d complained about. He told me they worked out the sex issues, stayed with her they married, had 2 kids and are now getting a divorce. I can’t help but wonder if he married a little too young.
I honestly think some men HAVE to live this out and to get this out of their system before they settle down and carry that resentment with them. It’s not wrong. It’s best to do this while you’re young than marry young, resent your spouse, have kids then get a divorce and go back to the dating market thinking you are going to live the glory days you left behind – you won’t. Marriage and commitment should not be taken lightly. People should truly only commit if they are 100% sure it’s the right person.
mandy says
If a man is,young, fairly good l9oking, hanging out in clubs/bars…hasn’t figured out his bliss in life, his way of contributing in the workforce and he’s not too accomplished, he’ll often resort yo boredom in women. Men naturally crave variety. We all know that.
A man who matures and figures out what he wants out of lide, will crave stability eith a single woman. The woman who is his type. He won’t crave so much the shiny new object as he now values intimacy with one person.
mandy says
Sorry for typos! I wrote this on the fly on my phone at work
CaliforniaGirl says
That’s kinda sad that Matt rates his girlfriend by numbers, it’s probably the new era thing because I can’t recall such ratings when I was in my twenties.
Matt, you should let her go, you won’t be satisfied and she can find someone who will think she is perfect for him. I was the picky one too, had good boyfriends in my twenties but they were never enough. Married a good guy but always felt I settled too early and I could do better (married at 26). Divorced, because couldn’t stand him anymore, preferred to spend time with my friends other than him. If you are young, just don’t do it. Go after hot girls and when you feel you are ready, decide what you want to do.
JJ says
How long were you married before divorce?? Do you have kids?
CaliforniaGirl says
I was married for almost 10 years and we did not have children. There was no passion or intimacy, we were a very good business partners but I was craving more.
Josie says
Sadly the ratings game seems to be common in these times, where men are constantly exposed to photos of hot women online. When they date in real life they do realize that women are humans and not flawless, however, the constant exposure to media feeds a perception of what I call “the hotter chick is around the corner” syndrome. This is pervasive in older men, not just 20 somethings , fueled by media and the perception of abundance that online dating creates.
This man should cut his girlfriend loose and hopefully she will realize she can do better .
AllHeart81 says
Josie – I completely agree with you. Everytime I see someone rate someone, even if it’s to say they are 10, All I can think is that you’re just reducing someone to a set of qualities that you perceive will best satisfy you. It’s completely ego driven, lacks any kind of humanity or real insight into love.
Between Matt and his girlfriend, I would say that his girlfriend is the bigger catch and she deserves to be with a man that thinks she’s great. Not one that’s whining and pouting because he doesn’t think she is hot enough.
Vanessa says
Excellent advice! Thank you for posting it! I rushed into getting married at age 21. After 7 years, I got a divorce…for the same reasons you mentioned and others. I’m 29, a single mom of a 2-year old. I can’t say that I’m happy now because the loneliness is awful and I’m struggling financially, but I wasn’t happy before either so I guess the difference is that there is no resentment now and I’m free to meet new people.
CaliforniaGirl says
To cope with loneliness I started Airbnb in my spare bedroom – now I am rarely lonely and sometimes I even want some quite time. Also, I’ve met some great people from all over the world, all my guests invited me to go to dinner or drinks with them and some even made dinner for us while I was at work. It also helps financially and I can afford a nice apartment in a great neighborhood.
Karmic Equation says
If Matt is indeed in his 20s, I agree with popee, he is too young to commit, particularly if he feels that something is missing.
He should only commit if he KNOWS that whatever he’s missing cannot possibly be better than the “whole” of his gf, as in “the sum of the whole is greater than it’s parts”.
There will always be hotter women as long as baby girls are being born.
There may be nicer women.
There may be smarter women.
There may even be many women who could love him more than his current woman.
The question is, are they all the same woman? lol
When he finds the combination of all the above in ONE woman, he has to do the a reality check and ask himself if he could REALLY find a woman that is a BETTER combination than the one he’s got.
If the answer is yes, then he should go look for her.
Otherwise, stay, and love and appreciate the gal he’s got.
JB says
I know the OP used the terms “hotter” and “trading up” but in all honesty and I’m only going to speak for myself here. Men that enjoy variety in their personal lives like women that sometimes are just different to what they have. Could be hotter but might be less attractive and more fun. Might be a little heavier and more curvy or a little thinner. All I’m saying is it’s not always just hotter/younger it might be older, different chemistry, and more interesting. I enjoy many types of women and don’t really have a “type”. I’m always monogamous when that’s been discussed but I’m also honest and say I won’t be getting married again in my 50’s. So be it……….
Ines says
In my 20’s I married the guy of my dreams, at 13 I knew he would be my husband in my 20’s , at that age with so little baggage I think you should be excited about a partner!
Olivia says
Matt is thinking that the grass is greener but he will find out eventually that it is not so. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been given the reason, “You’re nice but…” or “something’s missing” during a breakup…only for the guy to come crawling back months later.
Stacy says
This guy is not ready to settle down period.Anytime you keep looking for hotter and hotter, you are simply not ready for a lifelong commitment with one woman.If he stays with the current girlfriend, he would either end up cheating or always wonder ‘what if’.
If he is pretty young, this is to be expected and he needs to sow his wild oats until he is internally satisfied. When you are ready to settle down,you need to believe that your choice is one of the best possibilities that were out there for you.Anything else and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Lucy says
I know what you mean. Sometimes you have to feel that you’ve been through an exploration phase and have a solid idea of what kind of relationship is achievable for you. Then this lets you appreciate what you really need as opposed to what you think you want in a relationship. I don’t think that’s unromantic either.
When I was with my ex four years ago and I kept thinking there was something better out there, I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. I don’t think I had them even on a conscious level. Then I did a terrible thing and cheated on the guy (which by the way, I completely do not condone nor justify in any sense). It was a crap thing to do which made me realise that I’d rather be selfish and alone than push that on other people. If I had acknowledged these thoughts and analysed why I was having them like a mature adult would do, that would not have happened. It’s good the OP has asked this question in the first place because it shows he is self-aware. I think being self-aware makes him less likely to cheat on someone.
Stacy says
Lucy,
I can certainly relate. I have been there where he was so nice and I tried to love him. I really did. But, no amount of internal convincing could make me look past the fact that he ultimately was not what I wanted, I had to let him go. The heart wants what it wants.
Lucy says
Aw that’s sad to hear. 🙁 You did the right thing though. It’s much better to walk away then to cause hurt to the guy. In my case, he had a good heart but he was absent from the relationship and didn’t communicate with me for a time. I think I felt lonely but I was vindictive and wanted to hurt him (not a nice thing to do but I am being honest with you).
As I am the same age as OP, I can completely relate to his questioning. I think he has to think of the here and now and not what might happen in the future. I suppose you have to feel like you are getting something from your partner that you can’t get elsewhere. That doesn’t mean they have to fit impossibly high standards. It could just be the fact you’ve been committed to each other for a long time and forged your own memories together that makes your relationship special and new people not tempting. It can be a wonderful feeling to feel there is someone out there who knows you better than anyone else.
Vanessa says
I agree with Stacy. But my fear is that I’ll let “true love pass me by.” I’m in a similar situation as the author, except that I don’t care about looks as much as he does. The problem is that my boyfriend, who’s 34, is broke. He’s a musician and plays in a touring band. That’s his ONLY income. They’re not famous so they make very little. The other day, he mentioned that he didn’t have a car when he was younger… I asked, “how old?” He said, “25.” A 25-year old who doesn’t have a car? One time he mentioned that when he was in his twenties, one of his ex broke up with him because her family didn’t think that he had a “strong work ethic.” He’s been employed with the band for over two years, but he still drives a car that has about 200,000 and no A.C. He dropped out from college and never paid his student loan so the IRS takes it from his income tax, which means his credit is also ruined. So, he has no money and no credit.
Stacy says
Vanessa, I am 37 years old and one thing I learned from my divorce is this,
A man who is constantly satisfied being in financial ruin or in a constant financial deficit will eventually lead you there. I have learned that love is not enough. Over time, you will grow to resent him. Financial concerns is one of the top reasons for divorce. You will lose respect for him over time and he will end up draining you. Run! You will hurt and it is hard but you will get over it. Red flags everywhere over your post.
Vanessa says
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for replying. Yeah, I thought about running too, but he reassured me that he does have a strong work ethic and he’s gonna prove it to me so that’s where I’m at now… We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks so it’s very hard to make a decision at this point. He’s able to support himself and even pay child support for his child. Other than that, he’s broke. He seems okay with living with the “bare minimum” if that makes sense. Even though he said that is not the case.
Karmic Equation says
I agree with Stacy.
Basically, it comes down to this.
If a man cannot provide for himself or take care of his basic and job-related needs (e.g., car to get to work), he will not be a good partner.
Love is NOT enough. You deserve MORE than just love. You deserve to be able to depend on your man who can take care of himself. You do NOT want to become his mother. There is no faster way to kill love and romance in a relationship than a woman who ends up mothering her man. Both people end up resenting that relationship dynamic.
Vanessa says
Thank you so much for your input! It’s very much appreciated. The thing is, he IS able to support himself and even pay child support. But he seems okay if he lives paycheck to paycheck. He doesn’t seem ambitious enough to work extra jobs on the side. We’ve only been dating for 5 weeks so it’s a waiting game at this point since I’m not 100% sure if he is changing (becoming more of a hard worker) or not. Everything else about him is amazing though so it’s gonna be a really hard decision. And you are absolutely right about being a guy’s mother. Been there, done that. One of the many reasons why my marriage failed! My ex wanted to be treated like a baby all the time. Whew! Never again!!!
Ames says
Vanessa,
I Dated a man I met online for 18 months. I knew he was in non profit and had anxiety issues. The truth was that he had had a bad relationship with money his entire adult life. His car also had 200k and would die in traffic. He had a masters and a non profit job that paid 30k without a raise for 5 years. Meanwhile, his 80k in student loans went unpaid until the gvmt threatened to garnish wages. He wouldn’t open mail because money was tight, wouldn’t read late notices and his utilities would be cut off. Then he had to pay reconnection fees and security deposits to have power again. He was loving, loyal, made me feel special but eventually began standing me up any time we were to meet outside the house–he was hiding agoraphobia. You can’t fix this guy. Either he’s willing to grow up or as I learned, he will choose a break up over changing for better.
CaliforniaGirl says
6 months ago I ended a two year relationship with a guy I loved very much but I started to resent him over his inability to support himself. We couldn’t do any activity without me paying for it, all our vacations and little trips – I paid for, any food place nicer than Subway – I had to pay for both of us and he always ordered more expensive food or had more drinks than me. I ended up stopping to go out with my friends and him because it meant I had to pay and sometimes it was more than I’d feel comfortable with. I stopped feeling like a woman and would feel bad every time we went out. He also would ask for clothes or gadgets and would get upset if I said no, literally like a child. He never bought me anything nice in two years, even for my birthday. I still miss him but my money situation improved so much after we broke up – I just realized how much money I spent on him and not on me and I will never ever date anyone who doesn’t have a stable income or has a debt. I am 38 and I don’t have time for this BS anymore, I worked hard to get where I am now and I want a partner who has same goals and values.
Christina says
Vanessa,
I agree with everyone above. Just want to add that you mentioned you are a single mom and finances are tight. If you are doing very well and can cover his debts and all then it is fine. Or he is loaded and can help out here and there with your share, it is fine too. But in this instance, no one can chip in to help each other. What are the chances he can’t pull it together when he is on his own and suddenly do a 360? If it bothered him, he would have done something by now yes? It’s been a while since college.
If you can’t let go of him yet, consider going out and meeting more people. Unsure if you are dating exclusively, if you are, you can always revert back to dating others as well. Take it as a test for him and yourself. If he wants to genuinely pull his weight, he will anyway, it will not change. He will prove it to you. If you feel more financially secure with someone of better financial standing, better you know now then later.
Good luck.
Kitty says
When you don’t live with someone and don’t see that individual on his/her worst days that person will always be more enticing.
Tom10 says
I find that some of the comments here, labeling the op shallow have been simplistic in their response and analysis of the op’s question, as he is touching on an intrinsic issue that many men struggle with in dating.
It seems to me that the op. Matt, is a maximiser, always striving to get the best, the hottest, the smartest etc. and I’d guess he struggles with the desire for novelty and variety too, which are fundamentally at odds with what is required for long-term relationships. This has nothing to do with his current girlfriend and everything to do with him. He’s struggling to resolve his conflicting short-term and long-term mating instincts: so many men I know struggle with the exact same issue.
Matt will have to do a lot of work and soul-searching to see if he’s even cut out for long-term relationships as I sense that he might actually be happier to go from short-term relationship to short-term relationship. And I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that choice: some men just aren’t cut out for the long haul.
My advice to Matt: if he’s under 35 then he should move on and keep dating. If he’s over 35 then make his peace with his feelings, realize it’s something many of us have to deal with, and then just plan a future with his current girlfriend.
Christine says
I wonder if maximizers are ever able to be happy in long term relationships? There will always be someone hotter, smarter, younger, etc. How do maximizers ever feel completely satisfied, when there will always be “better” options out there, so they’ll never have the “best”? It must be a challenge to sublimate the need for the “best” choice and learn to be happy with a “good” one. If Matt isn’t cut out for long term relationships, that’s his prerogative, but then I just hope he’s honest with his girlfriend about it.
Evan Marc Katz says
We learn not to be maximizers.
Lucy says
I’m glad to read a post aimed at my age group. I am 25. I can totally empathise with his question. I have felt like that too. Making a decision about that commitment is scary because of the fear of missing out on someone better after you’ve already committed to one person. For me, I suppose I feel that everything in life is a compromise to some extent. I’m more accepting of it the older I get and the more I learn.
What appeals to me now is eventually marrying a guy who’s right for me in a lot of ways and who makes me happy. I would hate to get stuck in a loop of constantly chasing something better and feeling miserable about it. I also think being in a relationship gives you a false idea of what your options would be outside the relationship. Dating a variety of people and being single is fun for a while but it gets boring. I’m not rushing to settle down but I don’t feel excited about dating anymore, having been single for a few years.
That being said, I think the feeling of there being ‘something missing’ from a relationship can be very real. If it’s just a reaction to uncertainty about the future, then I think it’s best to appreciate and enjoy what you’ve got. After all, it can’t stay exciting forever. However, I also think if you are genuinely getting a wandering eye and creating fantasies in your head about real people, then something is definitely amiss in your relationship.
Heh maybe this is why my relationships haven’t worked out so far? I’ve not dated anyone out of my league as I’ve had relationships with guys who pursued me. But they get bored of me after a year or two. I’m going to try not to let this affect my confidence too much.
Kitty says
As for the OP I predict that he’ll dump his girlfriend to sow his wild oats. Five years he’ll be ready to settle down but she will already be married to someone else and he’ll realize that he threw away the best thing that ever happened to him.
Gina says
He may or may not be too young. I have several friends that married in their 20s and early 30s and are still married (and we’re 50-ish).
That said, he doesn’t sound ready to get married. Someone who is worried that they are missing out on marrying someone “hotter” than their potential spouse is not ready to get married. There’s nothing wrong with wanting an attractive mate but if you are concerned that your potential spouse is not hot enough, you should let that person go. Or tell her how you feel and see if she would want to marry you. I wouldn’t.
Also, there SHOULD be some excitement when you’re going to see her; at least some of the time. In your 20s and three years in? If there’s never any excitement at all, that doesn’t seem right. I dated the same man for most of my 20s, and we were still excited to see each other until the very end.
If you’d almost always prefer to be with your friends than with her, let her go. Do not attempt to build a life with someone that you already don’t really enjoy being around. Once ‘real life’ steps in – demanding jobs, maintaining a household, kids…and that’s the very short list – you better be with someone that you want to spend a lot of time with. Otherwise you’re going to be an absentee partner and eventually divorced.
You deserve to be with someone that excites you at times and that you enjoy being around even when things are a bit mundane. And she deserves to be with someone that thinks she’s fun, interesting, and hot.
Let her go. She deserves better.
And whether anyone here thinks you’re shallow or not, you deserve to have the person you really want, too – and it doesn’t sound like you really want her.
Joe says
What makes you (un)happy at 25 isn’t necessarily the same thing that makes you (un)happy at 35. Sounds like Matt met his “girl” 10 years too early.
Julie says
Matt rating his girlfriend’s looks (7.5) is disturbing–a big red flag. He objectifies women and needs to grow up and understand that there’s more to women/relationships than “hot.” He’s a cheater waiting to happen.
Stacy says
I think he should do this girl a favor and dump her ASAP. She deserves better than some dude who thinks she is not all that and preferes to hang out with his friends. This will be a bad relationship for this girl, he will not appreciate her, he will make her constantly feel insecure (not even intentionally but by being lukewarm about her) and eventually it will end in tears. He should get out, and go get them 10s (if he can).
Leigh 87 says
There’s a difference between being shallow and something genuinely missing.
I am an advocate if learning to be open to all types of prospective partners and, in turn, being able to identify a true connection.
There really is such a thing as something being ” missing “……..
My thing is… I don’t believe it requires 10/ 10 in order to generate the most passionate in love feelings. I’ve fallen the hardest for average aussie blokes( where I’m from). Because I was open to falling for ANY type of men. So I was open to strong connections due to not being confined to what I feel society deems as hot.
I’ve never bought into the whole ” you want compatibility, you have to give up on the sparks and passion and you have to embrace the ” something is missing ” thing and settle for a partner who you’re NOT enamoured with the way you were with past partners. Missing out on something you felt more intensely with prior partners, IS missing out. Something IS missing if you have previously been head over heels, and are currently not head over heels with your partner.
I personally don’t need a guy who’s objectively an 8 or a 9 to society in order to feel electric chemistry. My boyfriend and I fell head over heels. But we weren’t waiting for the ” objectively hottest partner we could get.
I’ve dated half of Sydney ( I am an Aussie) and could start my own dating blog honestly haha. And I totally relate to the ” something being missing ” conundrum…. Of not getting the passion and compatability in the one person; I’ve felt the missing jolt of magic with ” the nice guys who were into me ” and chased the men who I felt chemistry with who weren’t available to me.
I believe I have circumvented the inevitable ” having to settle for the one who’s the most compatible and you have some chemistry with ” VERSUS ” the great love of your life “. I believe you really can fall head over heels without a 10/10 look wise. It’s about connections. If you’re open to more people, you will likely feel smitten with one you wouldn’t have given the time of day to wine your ego was in charge ( what society, your family and friends would be the most jealous of)
I am a big believer in holding out for special connections. It’s about being open to all types of people…. I was totally open to any type of men before meeting my boyfriend. I fell hot for chubby balding men, overly scrawny Irish men who were cold and aloof and my opposite, I date blue and white collar despite having more of a draw to blue collar… I’ve really remained open to all body types and different features.
Lastly Lastly, I want to clarify that in order to avoid the ” there is something missing ” syndrome, you have to distinguish between the fake chemistry and the real chemistry. The fake chemistry is the buzz you know deep down that they weren’t ever going to be as into you as you were into them. Anxiety drama and uncertainty and having to battle to get love as though it is some prize ( as if the unavailable player I’d going to find YOU to be the special girl that’ll change them.. Please)…. That is FAKE chemistry.
Real chemistry, being head over heels and living happily ever after is possible if you’re a believer in connections. The short chubby red head may be the opposite of the blonde tall slim bombshell you once thought was what you wanted…. But if you’re OPEN to feeling connections with any type, you may find yourself falling all giddy over s girl who you previously would have not looked twice at.
I do believe you can have the madly in love type of relationship where you just KNOW they are the one. But it takes a lot of work, I have been a student of relationship psychology for years. I am an attractive blonde with big assets and a universally popular body type and a nice smile, full lips and blue eyes. I am not a model but I am cute. And as we all know, women have more options. I had my pick out of objectively hotter men than my boyfriend. But my boyfriend and I instantly sparked and share a soul connection. We have remained smitten.
What saddens me is… I am a 10/10 in my boyfriend eyes. Being in love to your best friend does that. All it takes is being open to natural chemistry with any type, and they become a 10 to you in no time….
There is s kind of love out there were the man falls head over heels for an average girl because to him, there is just something about her that makes her his 10/10……
Jasmine says
WOW! I’ve been asking the same question to myself for a couple months now and I finally get the answer. It is AWESOME to know that what I’m thinking is healthy. I’ve been feeling guilty for so long. Thanks Evan for putting my mind at ease. This blog could not have been timed more perfectly!!
Kelsey J says
This really hit home to me, so much so that I felt the need to comment for the first time after years of following Evan’s blog. I am the female in this scenario. After 3 amazing years my fiancé and I have recently split up, because he was ‘Matt’ in this situation (though well into his 30’s). Our relationship was great- highly compatible, loving, caring, same goals and outlooks on life, and it felt nice to be a relationship that although there was most certainly attraction between us, it wasn’t that crazy can’t keep our hands off one another and didn’t have that stupidly crazy ‘chemistry’ that made relationships stressful and hugely anxiety provoking when I was in younger and in college. It was always easy between us.
So when life hit a rough patch for both of us (particularly for me with health and family problems with my mom’s health), after 2 years of living together and 6 months after he proposed, he decides tells me that although and I’m the best relationship he’s ever been in, he loves me (though isn’t ‘in love’ any more), doesn’t think he’ll ever have as good of a relationship as we have and we’re compatible; he has always felt like ‘something is missing’. That we never had that crazy spark and that he never gets that ‘soulmate/missing piece of the puzzle/ ‘insert every cliché about love from movies in here’ feeling with me. So he decided to break up with me and pursue his fantasy girl (girls of a particular ethnicity commonly found in the Southern Hemisphere), despite being aware that they aren’t as likely to be compatible for him.
Needless to say, it hurt pretty bad.
pat says
Looking back, were there any early signs that he was that kind of a guy?
Lucy says
🙁 Sorry to hear that happened to you. Maybe he will find his happy ever after or discover the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? Who knows? Eurghh I’m more like you I think. It gets emotionally draining thinking ‘is this person or that person the best guy I can get?’. You just think after a while ‘sod it, I’m tired of searching, let’s just find someone who makes me happy’. :/ Obviously your guy hasn’t reached that point yet.
Is his fantasy girl based purely on looks alone? I’m always curious about how guys have specific physical types. I’ve been out with guys for whom they found me attractive but I had the wrong colour hair or whatever to be their fantasy. Sure enough the next girlfriend they had did fit their archetype fantasy they had told me about.
Kelsey J says
Hi Lucy,
Yep, his fantasy girl is based purely on looks alone, but he knows it’s highly unlikely that they will have the compatibility we do and that they are aren’t likely to be as accepting of his personality and beliefs as I am. But off he went anyway. He’s even said that he thinks this may all come back to bite him and that in the back of his mind we will end up together. I’m not sure I would take him back given what he put me through. You don’t ask someone to marry you and then bail when life gets tough because you think grass is greener on the other side. At this stage, I refuse to believe or accept that he gets the happy ending in all of this. He doesn’t get to ditch the woman who stood by him through his numerous issues and was nothing but loving, caring and supporting to him, and with whom (by his own admission) he had a great relationship and run off and get to be happy.
Pat, no, not really. I always knew that he found these particular type of women attractive, but I was secure in our relationship and it never bothered me- he was always committed to me and always (and is still) saying he can’t see himself being in a relationship with anyone but me. But, I guess you don’t really know someone until you see how they handle challenges.
Josie says
Kelsey,
As heartbreaking as that experience was, you should count yourself fortunate that his true colors became visible before marriage. So many women marry quickly and without the kind of “shake-up” experience that reveals true character.
Please do not consider taking this guy back, ever!
Mike says
Too much gets read into these things, chance are very good most people who marry do so within the two year “Honeymoon” period, you wait too long, it wears off and you start to wonder “If”..Matt just waited too long…
When we first fall in love we become bonded by rising PEA, oxytocin and dopamine levels, when we are sexually aroused by close contact our dopamine level rises further and at the time of orgasm we have a dopamine brainstorm which one researcher compared to the effects of heroin on the brain. This effect burns out often at different times in couples, the one it happens to first the one who breaks it up.
Kelsey J says
HI Josie,
Yeh, I know. I thought a 36 year old would know better, but lesson learned. I’m only 26 so I know I’ve got plenty of time to meet someone new. I’m good friends with his brother (we met through him) and his brother has said he does know whats has happened to him. Sometimes I actually get excited about the future in between the sadness. I’ve been thinking about returning to college for my Masters, which would mean moving to Boston. I can actually do that now.
Alexandra says
After five years together, my boyfriend got crazy about another woman and left me. I was really devastated, but I did my best to go on with my life. Some months later he came back to me saying that he had to go through all that and have a hard time with a selfish and crazy woman, to learn to value someone like me. Now we are much happier than ever, and feel much closer than before.
No soup for You says
My advice would be to drop her and go look for another superficial person like you. Clearly you are not attracted to her. And you are doing her a huge disservice pretending that you “in” the relationship. So, not only are you a jerk for rating her, but you are a selfish jerk for staying in the relationship knowing that you don’t really want her.
Holly says
I sense a common theme in most of these responses. They seem to be almost completely focused on “what the other person can do for me”, “how the other person should make me feel”, and “what the perfect person for me will bring to my life.” It brings up what I think is a good question: why are we not more concerned with whether or not WE are the best partner for the ones we love? Seems to me that a mature person would be more concerned about what they bring to a relationship rather than what they can get out of it.
It’s no wonder there is so much divorce these days, if this is the mentality we’re dealing with.
MB says
I couldn’t agree more, Holly! I share your sentiments. And I notice that the pattern with people who think that way is mostly about looks. I believe the reason for this is because they’re not seeing their partner as a person, but as an object instead.
I find my husband very attractive/sexy/handsome, but there is more to him than that. I’m certainly not looking for something “better” because I appreciate him as he is.
Some people who constantly want “better” are showing that they can’t be satisfied. They choose partners based on approval from society and people around them, instead of what might actually bring them real happiness. I know a guy who dumped a lovely girl because he was afraid of what his friends would think…she was of a different race and not a conventional beauty. He moved on to a person of his own background, who is more in line with society’s views of beauty, but this new girl is a witch and he is miserable with her. And he has told my husband that he regrets letting Shawna (the sweet ex-girlfriend) go; that he should have been stronger when it came to how other people saw their relationship. His social circle preferred him to be with a thin white blonde, while Shawna was a curvy Black woman with short dreadlocks.
MB says
Matt sounds immature…sorry if this sounds like a personal attack, but I’m being honest.
First, there is the fact that he uses the “rating” system for women. This is a turn-off because it shows a very high school or college frat-boy mentality. Once you reach a certain age, you might want to stop doing that.
Second, let’s just say that there is some validity to the notion that his girlfriend is a “7.5” on his rating scale…yet he still wants a “hotter” girl. OK, a 7.5 (whatever that is) is far from a bridge troll. His girlfriend might be very pretty, but even that isn’t good enough for a lot of men. Dudes like Matt seem to be constantly chasing after something else, even if what they have is great.
Third, what makes him so entitled? He says with absolute confidence that he *knows* he can pull these “hotter” girls, but what makes him so sure of that? Is he some well-built Adonis? Does he have money like Bill Gates? Is there some special quality that makes beautiful women flock to him in droves? Somebody help me out. Because no one is entitled to have their partner look a certain way. We all like good-looking people, but I dislike this attitude that some folks have…”I deserve hotter/better and my partner is only mediocre”. That is a poor way to look at things. No wonder so many relationships fail.
Maybe he should consider that he might be lucky to have HER? What does he look like? What does he have to offer? Is he aware that there might be people who think SHE can do better than him? I’m not saying he should stay with her…it might be better if they broke up, for the sake of both. But he should remember that this world is full of beautiful women; there will always be somebody prettier than the next. The more you chase after something “better” you will never be satisfied.
B says
I really dont think people should change for relationships, change comes from within.
But OP shows some level of self awareness so I think he should trust his gut (its his life, his choices, his consequences, regrets or no regrets). I dont think OP is saying he wants a 10 in looks but a woman who feels a 10–thus allowing him to feel a 10 too. We as women fail to realize our men live and feed off their women’s emotions and outlook on life. If shes insecure or sad, too sweet and understanding, feeling average ..he doesnt want to feel that. Its not making him feel like hes winning or a man that is accomplishing great things in the world, its not making him feel good, or like hes on top of the world. Explains why some men chose high status women or easygoing non-conflict girls (who may not even be 10 in looks), it all depends on the right feelings the girl stirs in him—-whether thats in bed, in life, with friends & family or with him as a man.
So again it all comes down to how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone. Both arent aspiring each other to be more, and if OP cant see changes or a deeper connection being made in near future, best to leave and not lead the girl on.
KT says
I’m not sure that the comments here are actually understanding what the author is trying to say. He is not being ‘shallow’, he is trying to figure out whether what he’s is feeling is how he is meant to in order to preserve a long term relationship. There are all these opinions on here none of whom actually understand the situation. I had a very similar thing happen to me, I was with a guy whom I met online and we started off as a long distance relationship (for about six months) prior to him moving here and us living together for 7 months. But I found what I always struggled with was that I was very emotionally attached/attracted to him but not so much physically. He was also the best guy I had ever met and we were very compatible and had a peaceful and loving relationship. But this inconsistency with my feelings, and believing that there should be something ‘more’ from a physical attraction standpoint led me to eventually break it off because I felt that I was being unfair to him and he needed someone who would be as crazy about him as he was about me. I don’t know yet if that was the correct decision (this is fairly recent) but I can understand what the author was trying to say because I was also asking myself whether it’s OK to keep going when ‘something is missing’. Regarding age, I am 27.
Candas says
Hello,
I am in a similar situation. I am or was dating this guy. We are really great together and could be considered best friends. But we both feel something is missing.
Note: When we first meet we made it official right away. A couple months later we broke up because we thought we were moving to fast. Then the same thing happened again and now we have just been dating without a title. I have not pushed him because I felt like he need time to figure things out. Everyone in his life pretty much knows who I am. Now its about to be the year 2 mark and we haven’t made it official again. I would love to be with him and him the same. We both don’t want to make the mistake in leaving it a lone when we really could be the ones for each other. What could be the missing link? He doesn’t feel like if I left tomorrow he had to stop me. But then again how does he know, because Ive always been there?
When Ive dated other guys, i had thoughts that I much rather be with him and he has been in the same situation. I just don’t understand.
He recently asked me do you think we have that magical spark? I told him idk we definitely have chemistry. But I also cant give to 100% when we are not an official item.
Now we are just still trying to figure this out.
Katie says
I guess that just shows that relationships are never really as simple as they say. Though to be perfectly honest Candas, both for me and for you, the best answer is probably to find someone where the commitment will be 100% from both parties. Easier said than done, but I’m sticking with that and looking for someone with whom it will just be clear that we both want to move forward permanently. I found that distance and time without contact really help….sometimes you might think someone is your best friend, but give it a month or two and you lose that closeness that you had. And suddenly you can view it from a different perspective. Anyway, just my experience and two cents 🙂 Best of luck girl.
Candas says
I totally agree with you. That’s what I did, I ended it all. It was the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’m glad I did.
Feels nice to be in control! ☺ï¸
Thank you for your 2 cents Katie!
Katie says
Haha yes, same here. Absolutely gut-wrenching, but I feel relief. So that can only be a good thing. Onwards for both of us ey, new breath, new life! 🙂
Christina says
Matt,
Soon you will come to see that what keeps a relationship going strong is consistent effort that comes from a genuine place. Like Evan said, a 10 will become a 7, everyone grows old and the novelty wears off. “She is the most genuine kind person” says a lot. We live in a world of cheaters, fakes, liars, insecure and damaged people. All the same people who contribute to other jaded people. Kindness is underrated, a kind person will forgive your flaws, go the extra mile, get along with your parents, integrate with your friends and be a good role model for your kids.
The 10s have plenty of options at their fingertips, their expectations will be high. The 10s will go for the 10s, are you sure you are one as well? The 1os would find it easy to trade up or leave at a whim because they can. The truth is 10s never had to work hard for much, there is no need to and don’t expect themselves to. When you are doing all, all is good, if god forbid you fortune or life take a turn for the worse, they will be hard pressed to stay in there due to lack of a habit in general.
I was a hidden maximiser all my life, hidden because I always felt something off with my partners but didn’t know it so clearly. This person is this, that person is that. When does it end? I missed out on plenty of good long term potential partners in my 20s and now am in my mid 30s, I am still friends with some and can’t help looking back in regret at how they treat their gfs who were far wiser than I was.
Even then, you will only know what you know when you know it and not earlier so we can all agree with Evan until the cows come home but if you need to hit a few walls, go right ahead. Just bear in mind what you read here in case you ever want to get married what kind of girl to look for.
Kelly says
I think he should do himself and her a favour and tell HER the truth. He should tell her he thinks she’s a 7 but nice.He won’t need to worry because if she has any self worth she will dump his ass and find herself someone who perceives her as the perfect 10.
Sarah says
Men are pigs that only want to get married when their hairline is receding and they can’t pull bitches anymore.
Women should do the same. Fuck the hottest bitch males and settle down with an average joe after. Once they decide they want to start a family.
CJ says
I think that this guy is feeling like he is not sure is because his girlfriend prob lets him get away with not treating her right because she is so nice which is great and she needs to develop her boundaries and worth and know her power more. This guy is acting jerky and should be put in his place I because he is messed up. Acting like he is better and is actually over compensating for low self confidence.
Stacy Nichols says
Love is a choice. And we also need to love our partner in spite of their quirks. Someone can look like a “10” at age 25 and go down to a “7” 5 years later after a pregnancy or maybe an illness. If we have integrity, do we really believe that you then need to go search for another 10. Your partner could become a 12 a bit later in life internally and externally when things change. If you are constantly thinking that you have to do what is best for you at all times, then you are not partner material nor are you parent material. You need to make this perfectly clear when you begin dating someone. It is not fair to string them along, and use them for years and discard them when you think that you finally found the person who you think fills that gap. This happened to me after 25 years of marriage and 3 children. My husband realized that something was missing in our marriage and he began an affair with one of his employees. After 10 years, he decided that he needed to leave me for this woman. It has been very hurtful for me and our family. Three years later, he is no longer seeing this woman and he is trying to figure himself out. He turns 61 years old in a few weeks. He is really messed up.