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Carol
Thanks for asking such an honest and challenging question, Carol.
One of the things I’ve learned over thirteen years of giving advice is this: if I ever dare suggest that someone is entitled to not want to date you, I am perceived as an insensitive asshole.
If I tell a woman that it’s okay for her not to marry the penniless, 46-year-old, always-between-jobs Peter Pan guy, then those guys will feel I’m denying their basic humanity, when, in fact, all I’m doing is letting the woman know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea that she will not have to financially support.
I caught a lot of flak for this post, in which I empathized with a woman who suffers from debilitating depression, but let her know that men were perfectly entitled to choose a healthy, normally functioning partner instead.
If you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve.
In other words, I’m a realist, not a moralist.
Is it fair that women discriminate against short men? Men discriminate against heavy women? Women discriminate against Asian men? Men discriminate against black women? Everyone discriminates against older people?
No, but then again, life isn’t fair. A man is allowed to not want to date a 400lb woman if he doesn’t find her attractive. A woman is allowed to not want to date a guy who looks like her father if she doesn’t find him attractive. I’m not even sure how we can argue otherwise.
Which is just my long lead-in to suggest that your concern about the effects of an autistic child on your life is entirely reasonable. In fact, if you were to not consider the effects of being a stepmother and caretaker to a special-needs child, you could be considered hopelessly naïve.
A quick Google search reveals that the annual cost of autism therapy can exceed $40,000 to $60,000 per year and that the lifetime cost to support an individual with autism is greater than $3.2 million. Do you think subtracting that from your bank account might have an effect on you? Do you think that the all-encompassing time-intensive nature of caring for an autistic child might impact your relationship, quality time, siblings, vacations, sitters, and sex drive? You bet.
Listen, my wife has a cousin who is wheelchair-bound with MS and has a supportive partner. I got an email from a reader the other day who found a great guy although she’s blind. I helped another client fall in love and have a baby even though she’s paralyzed from the waist down. I have a friend in Los Angeles who was born with no legs and is happily married. There is a lid for every pot. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be the lid, Carol.
When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot.
It was fair of me not to date a former drug addict I met online. I was right to have concerns about my wife when she was $40,000 in debt. When you’re merging lives, you have to take everything into consideration and make an informed decision before tying the knot. We can parse and say that it’s not someone’s “fault” for being depressed or having an autistic child. But it doesn’t really change the gravity of the situation for the person who is taking on a loving person’s challenging situation.
God bless the people who take on those challenges, but not everyone is cut out for the tough stuff. Don’t beat yourself up if you decide that, no matter how much you love this man, this isn’t the life you want.
Grenoble says
Good advice, Evan.
This is something she clearly needs to discuss with her partner. Perhaps he can provide her with a plan of action or detail into how this will affect her and what roles and responsibilities she will have.
Perhaps such a large family will add to the support the autistic child will get, making his care easier. Perhaps joining this man’s family will only make things harder on everyone. The man has things to consider too.
Above all else, they should talk about their hopes and concerns and see what page each person is on.
Julie says
Evan, I Love what you said here. I think you spoke it perfectly. This is probably my favorite response you have posted here! This is coming from someone who does not see eye to eye with you on posts sometimes. I feel if more people took everything into consideration, there wouldn’t be so many families broken apart in the end. When you truly Love someone, you have to be able and willing to take on all parts of their life, if you want to share your life with them. The foundation must be correct for anything to be built on it through out the years. Either your heart is in it or out. Especially when children are involved, it must be 100% in. Nothing is stronger than the bond of a parent and child. If we can Love and accept our partner but not Love and accept their children or special needs/circumstances, then truly are you Loving unconditionally ???
Evan, you are right, every pot does have a lid, and everyone is not cut out for the tough stuff. Our choices have a very large ripple effect in this Universe. It’s not selfish of her to question herself on moving forward with this relationship, but it would be selfish of herself if she never did.
Love It Evan!!!
Kent says
That’s a judgmental reply. I’m currently in a relationship with someone with an autistic adult child 31 years old. My partner enables the child — does absolutely everything for him even though he is capable of learning life skills and being more independent. She doesn’t even let him figure out his meals. Shd does it all. He could live in a supervised group setting so we can live together and marry. We’re both in our 50s. My partner has considered this but likes to be in control and won’t take the steps even though she constantly says what will he do if something happens to me? I do love my partner and I am capable of the tough stuff, but I don’t want a partner and a roommate. Am I a jerk? Nope. Do I love her without condition? Yep. Do I love her son? Yep. But what she’s doing is seriously holding him back I can’t be onboard with that. I want a partner to marry and live with and I’m seriously considering that this isn’t the situation for me. We constantly have to arrange care and can only go places when that’s in place, and even then, not far or not for more than a weekend. That doesn’t make me selfish though. And it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. She has other issues I did take on, but she’s holding her child back and that’s straining our relationship.
Amy says
I googled this article because my boyfriend wants me to send my 14 yr old autistic son to live with his dope head dad that doesnt work and would live off his check sitting at the house…how could i ever in a million years want to be with this man after even suggesting I would do such a thing to convenience him? He is clearly NOT the man I thought he was and not for me. No tears here. Bye !
Josie says
People make their choices in life, and those choices affect their relationship prospects.
The OP’s boyfriend did not ask for this situation, but it is a result of the unfairness of the universe, and the inherent risk involved in having children. If you choose to have a child, you accept the very slight risk factor of a severe mental disability such as that debilitating level of autism. You accept the even greater risk factor that you end up with a child will struggle with drugs or alcohol, and require very expensive residential treatment and continued financial support. And yes, those struggles may make it more difficult to find a suitable partner who is up for the challenge. These are the tradeoffs that are part of life.
Lucy says
This is an important issue that needs discussing. I have a part time job working for a charity with special needs kids and it’s only a couple of times a year but I’ll feel exhausted at the end of each day. I have realised that I can’t very well emotionally cope even doing it as a job. I couldn’t deal with it full time unless it was my own child. I am just too emotionally sensitive. Most of the children are great but some of the very autistic ones are difficult and don’t know boundaries or will try and bite me. I feel bad saying this but it’s my honest experience. I think OP has to be honest with herself and what her needs are and go from there. This isn’t selfish as her decision is going to affect those kids so the right one should be made. She must do what makes her happy as it will be a long-term decision. Doing what makes her happy is not selfish as it will have a knock on effect on her and his kids.
Pa la says
I truly think you are 1000% correct. I’ve been dating a man for 6 months who has started telling me he loves me. He has a 33 year old autistic son who lives with him that takes major meds. I asked if he ever hit him or his wife before she passed and he said he tried. I have a 17 year old that is great. We have no anger in our home and hitting has never been a part of our lives. We rarely yell. It’s a great life. I asked about why he didn’t live in a home and his dad ( who is a multi millionaire ) said his son would have to get a job for this to happen. Weird I think. I’m pretty sure I can’t do this.
Aly says
I think this is the first time I’ve disagreed with Evan at least partially. First of all, why did she even continue dating this guy if she knew about the kid? I don’t think this is like depression, drug addicts, or the other comparisons on here. Sure, the response is realistic, and many people would bail at the first sign of a partner who has or doesn’t have a deal breaker. But there are many other people who are willing to work with those who have kids with disabilities. And sometimes you just love who you love and have to accept a less than ideal situation and work through it. I do agree in the sense however that if this woman is this worried about it, she should probably bail now rather than be resentful, affect all the kids, or leave in ten years because she didn’t know her own limits.
Melissa says
I totally agree with you! Additionally, I found Evan’s response extremely able bodied and with tinges of discrimination which most people still find acceptable. Would Evan say the same response if some one asked about interracial dating? Would he say Weill if you don’t like such and such race you don’t have to date them… No!
I also think there is a false equivalency of saying that someone’s risky behavior of high debt, drug addiction etc is the same as a child with a genetic disorder. Again, that is highly offensive and discriminatory.
My final thought, is has this women spent any time with the child? I have a special needs child with a super rare genetic disorder and NEVER has anyone dumped me because of my child’s diagnosis. Each man knew up front what they were getting into and were really interested in getting to know my child better. They even supported me throughout all the medical appointments and surgeries. Evan’s post made special needs humans sound like adopting a pet from the shelter and where one looks at the financial needs over the human aspect of it all. Don’t special needs parents have enough stress!? Why would this women selfishly lead this man on knowing full well the she’s uncomfortable (aka discriminating) around people who are genetically different. Evan, I ask that you go and volunteer at the Special Olypmics before you write off our kids as an expensive burden.
Carol says
The decision to date someone with a child with disabilities
is often made optimistically by people who don’t know what they are
getting into. To ask someone to take on the adult child of someone else which child has special needs and may never live independently is huge. I was recently confronted with this situation and after realizing the impact doing this would have on me I decided to stop dating the man. I’m sorry for the position he is in but that doesn’t mean that I have to accept the expense, care, time and limitation on my ability to enjoy life. I’m almost at retirement age. Asking me to live full time with a 22 year old who can’t be left alone and who lives at home I find to be both selfish and unrealistic. I’m not prejudiced or discriminating. I just don’t want to take this on. I understand this might upset some people but don’t shoot the messenger. Life has an expiration date and autism does not. You can’t expect this to be
no big deal to a person you are seeking a relationship with.
Angie says
Agree completely . Its easy to say what you would do prior to being in the position or from the outside looking in. We all go in with good intentions but sometimes good intentions are not enough. Sometimes loving the parent isnt enough. This is a 24 hour commitment that does not go away… ever .. it goes with you on vacation, it goes with you to the mall, to family events to Everything and you have the right to decide if that’s something you can take on. Not everyone is built the same way, and we should be allowed to say we cant do it
Jenny says
Great post! Thanks for sharing, Evan! I really enjoy reading your reasoning behind your logical resolutions. It brings a feeling of relief in realism.
I am a mother of an autistic child with ADHD. I have dated men before that adore me, but talk bad about and to my son in a demeaning way. It got to the point where my son told me he didn’t like the guy I was seeing, because he is mean.
Now, I could not live with a man that mistreats my son. I know God made good men with hearts that have compassion for special needs children. In fact, I am dating one right now!
As for Carol, I suggest she moves on. Her frustration with her partner’s son will only expand and turn into hurt experienced by the whole family!
LC says
My family has spent more than $850K since 2011 keeping my paranoid schizophrenic uncle under supervision. He has bankrupted the family, and every nickel my grandfather worked for has been flushed down the toilet. Then there are the calls in the middle of the night about his attempted murders on the staff and his escapes (2 escapes and attempted murders this year alone). He’s 65 and has been this way since he was 19. I grew up in terror of him, he stalked my little sister at school, tried to murder my grandma and father, and beast grandad with a pipe. Stay away from families with problems. There is no love that can fix it, and you don’t know how this kid will turn out in the future. Who’s going to support this kid? It will take someone’s entire salary per month to keep him up for his whole life. If you really love the father, and want to stay together, then don’t mix finances and families in a marriage. If you’ve already had as many kids as you want, no harm in being a long term girlfriend so that the State doesn’t come after your assets as well to take care of the autistic kid.
Dee says
Excellent response, as a BW I often come across men if they can’t get a White woman let me try with a Black woman on the dating sites. I came across a Professional White male who had 4 children the youngest child had (9 years) autism.. After, trying to set up 3 dates over a month due to him rushing his son to the emergency room he finally told me his son’s condition. When I talked to him, asking him why his interest he said “vicinity only” since I really don’t have time to spend on a woman or even myself. I stopped all contact with him.
bonita says
WTF does race have to do with it?
In Not Of says
I don’t find the OP to be selfish at all. She is still raising three children and she has responsibilities to them. That doesn’t mean this man and is child are bad or wrong either. It just is what it is. Even wonderful people can not be the right partner for us. And it doesn’t mean there isn’t a woman that won’t take on the challenges this situation presents. I’d rather see the OP admit this up front than to marry this man, then come to resent the situation she’s in.
Cherry says
I had a bf with an autistic son. We broke up because of other reasons, but the fact that he has a child with special needs 50% of the time living with him was always on my mind. I think I always knew there would be no future together as I was worried about my girls. The prognosis was the there is a big chance that this boy would never be living as an independent adult.
I have 2 little girls 4 and 8 and his son, 9 was walking naked in front of them. I was thinking how is it going to be when they reach puberty and we all live together in one house. We have to keep the interests of our own children in mind first.
L says
Very good post Evan. I keep reminding myself throughout this dating journey that not all nice, kind men are meant to by my husband.
As a mother, the number one priority is your own kids. Bringing a step parent into their lives is harder, step siblings harder, a disabled step sibling harder still. I can absolutely see why she would fear the impact of a severely autistic child on her entire family. When we have children, we can’t predict that our children will be healthy and won’t have problems, but in choosing a step family we do have control over that choice.
From my own experience, I dated a nice guy for two years. I decided to move on for various reasons but two of the biggest ones were (1) he had no children and after 2 years I was not certain that he would be a patient step parent for my kids. He was particulalry impatient with one of my kids and I sensed that he didn’t like her. (2) He wanted a child and I wasn’t convinced that I wanted to add a child to my family when I already had kids that needed me. No special needs involved, but I had to make a choice thinking about the overall likely impact of that choice on my kids.
Elle says
Continuing with the pot lid analogy, if the OP ignores her own intuitive sense that this situation is not right for her or her family, but commits to this man anyway, she actually prevents him from meeting and forming a relationship with the person who is the better fit for him and his family. Sometimes the more you love and care for someone, the more you have to take yourself out of the picture, for their higher good. In the original story of Cinderella, the stepsisters cut parts of their feet off to make the glass slipper fit. This is a gruesome but instructive form of symbolism. If we are going to damage ourselves as part of the process of accommodating ourselves to a relationship, it’s not the relationship for us. Let this prince go, so he can find his true Cinderella. She will wear the glass slipper of this relationship comfortably and gracefully, and they will all live happily ever after.
Julie says
Elle, this is REALLY beautiful. I Love what you have said here. It is very truthful and wise and deep. No one should ever damage themselves to be a part of someone’s life, yet it happens every day. Sometimes it happens so slowly, the transformation, you don’t even realize it yourself till one day you wake up and are no longer the person you once were. Although it is very painful and hard, sometimes you do have to let someone go, no matter how much you Love them.
Thank you for sharing this.
Kim says
Elle – you have no idea how much you have touched me with this post. I love the man I am with – he is without a doubt, the kindest and most genuine man I have ever met. He is also the father of an autistic child that we never really talk about, in terms of the future. And as much as I love and care for this man…I love and care for myself more. And I can’t risk my long term happiness and needs for the ‘glass slipper’. For a very naive hope that the love I feel for this man, and that he feels for me…well, that will be enough. The fact it – I know it very much likely won’t. Not any of the romantic ideals that love triumphs all will deal with the daily reality of a life that hasn’t met your hopes. I love the man I’m with. It breaks my heart to accept that love simply doesn’t conquer all. But it’s the reality. And I thank you, Elle, for beautifully pointing that out.
mimi says
wow! I was desperately looking for cases like mine and your words sounded like my restless mind. I have been 4 years with an awesome man, that has a son with a light autism condition but that still is very hard to deal with. I decided not to have kids long ago, and i am 48 years old. I dont know what to do since I dont want to spend my rest short of life dealing with a kid that will always be a stone in our feet plus I dont want to live with him because of the son. I am very frustrated. And deep down, I know I will never be the loving team mate who will help him through the never ending problem this will be.
Mrs Happy says
My (now adult) brother is special needs, and will never live independently. When my parents die I will inherit the care of him. Growing up our family was very stressed. As often happens in these situations, the normal sibling/s (me) missed out on parents’ care/time/attention/resources, and also on innumerable normal childhood experiences. That’s fine, I love my brother, I can live independently now, I don’t need my parents now, and he is still dependent so needs more of them. But life would have been much less of a struggle for my parents particularly, and myself too, if he weren’t special needs.
It is probable that taking on a special needs stepchild will have a major, largely negative, life effect, on your own 3 biological boys. You will have less energy and time and other resources to give them. Their lives will suffer in countless little ways. They will learn and gain stuff too (e.g. tolerance) but in my opinion the overall effect will be negative rather than positive.
Good luck with your choice.
Cherry says
Mrs Happy, I grew up in similar family. I have a mentally challenged sister, who is 7 yrs younger than me and she is also my inheritance. :-). My parents had issues with tiving m
Cherry says
Mrs Happy, I grew up in similar family. I have a mentally challenged sister, who is 7 yrs younger than me and she is also my only inheritance. :-). My parents had issues with giving me unconditional love even before she was born and my childhood ended when she was born. This experience made me a strong, successful and independent woman. However I lived my life subconsciously knowing that I am not good enough to be loved. When my phycologist asked me about my best childhood memory I started to cry.
So, being a sibling of a special needs chils is a very tough experience and OP shouldn’t feel guilty or shallow.
Fay says
Wilhelmina Murray says
There is no data to support that 80% of marriages with special needs children end in divorce.
Misleading comments like this lead to serious misunderstanding.
Mother of an adult child with autism
Melissa parker says
Hello!
I too have a child with special needs and have read over and over again that approx 80% of marriages of special needs parents end up
In divorce so their is evidence that supports this. The other point that I think that Fay was trying to convey is that their are treatments for people’s diagnosis that help and that there are a lot of special needs parents out their in the dating world. Lastly, I also she was trying to gentler remind these readers that special needs kiddo just have a diagnosis like diabetes and it needs to be de stigmatized
Wilhelmina Murray says
Where is the data? What study? Where? Reading it is one thing, If it’s not evidence-based, it’s not a fact.
Keisha says
Thank you. This man never asked her to care for his son. Yes she should leave as to allow him to find a woman who would live that child with their heart and soul. He asked for her. Not all autistic kids are alike. All these people comparing their cousins uncle grandmothers brother is misleading. I have seen kids with autism function just fine and others needing extreme help. My grandson is 5 takes one medication and cost me under $1000 a year to care for. I also go where I want because I have a great support system and sitters. Where all these high cost comes from is ridiculous. Comparing apples to oranges.
Cherlyn says
Evan, this is the first time I am commenting here, but wow, that’s a great post.
The internet likes to force opinions on others, on what should be the moral thing to do and equal opportunity and all that, most of the time enforced by social justice warriors.
But in the end, you know what? It’s MY life. And however I want to live it doesn’t involve you, random internet stranger.
Unless you are there and want to help out when push comes to shove, I’m going to choose who I date, and ultimately, marry the person whom I am going to be happy and content with for the rest of my life.
If I can choose the best man possible to give me the marriage that I want, who are you to deny me of that?
Lizzie says
As a special needs teacher I see the joy these children add to our world. I think people should think about the downfalls of dating someone with entitled kids, alcoholic kids, or mean kids. Those are the kids I fear. We know how to help kids with autism — all those other issues will bring rise to possibly more conflict and stress. There are community resources for kids with autism — good luck with resources for those other issues.
christa says
I couldn’t agree more Lizzie <3
Phyllis says
Lizzie – excellent post! You are a very wonderful person and the world needs more people like you. I commend your work as a special needs teacher. G-d Bless You Always!
Lost says
hello I have a child that has special needs. I personally believe that because of the path I chose for myself and my child that maybe I give myself off as being to strong
A.E. Jones says
The question posed is whether she should “feel guilty”, well yes, or some form of embarrassment. It’s shallow and immature, no bones about it. But should she avoid dating a person with a special needs child? Yes, please! Do! Don’t think twice about it.
Self-awareness is a virtue, if she knows she’s not capable of being a parent, then avoiding such a situation will save everyone a huge amount of chaos and pain.
Only those who have the respect, empathy, care and strength that’s required to help someone care for a child with special needs should even think about dating someone with such a child, or any child for that matter.
Reality is that no children come with a guarantee that it’s all going to work out the way their parent or stepparent wants it to. Parents who judge children for not meeting their expectations are often damaging to their children, and kids with “special needs” who have a parent or stepparent like this are particularly vulnerable. And on top of that, ANY CHILD can end up being a “special needs” child, even if they were born apparently “normal”. The child you haven’t given birth to yet could turn out to have “special needs”.
The answer to the question “should I feel guilty” is about questioning her character, which actually shows some maturity and self-awareness. She knows there’s something off about the way she feels. But if she’s even thinking about that, then the important questions she needs to ask, which you answered well, are “what can I handle” and “what do I want”.
If you can’t handle someone else’s child, you aren’t going to be able to handle your own. It could just be a lack of maturity due to young age, too, she might be ready to be a parent with some time, but if she’s not now then it’s best to bow out. Just like anything else a person isn’t up to handling, especially something that’s as important as a child’s life and future.
Jen says
I couldn’t disagree more. She is not at all immature nor is she shallow, she is making a well-thought out and reasoned choice for herself based on the ifnromstion she has, which is all anyone can do. In no way is her choice a sign of less than stellar character. Not being willing to do something doesn’t mean you can’t handle it.
Cathalei says
She asked this question because she thought she might not be able to handle it. But this is not a question to be asked here because we don’t know the child’s situation as spectators. She knows (or at least, supposed to know) better than we do because she likely interacted with the child and should research about his condition. Not all “special needs” are the same and her own children are just a disease or an accident away from such a situation so her decision should be based on her actual findings, not what strangers on the internet say.
An says
Jones, I couldn’t agree with you more, though I doubt her intolerance has anything to do with age. She’s old enough to Google the disability and learn how others adapt with it. It does say a lot about her character. Evan may not be a moralist, but I am to elaborate this. Maybe its because she’s privilege. Maybe she’s some upper-middle-class woman who got so used to getting everything or almost everything ideal to her. But that isn’t a really good explanation because you have others who had everything handed to them and still are tolerant.
John says
Wow privilege? What a load of bull. Not everyone wants to take on someone’s grown adult autistic son with huge needs. I’m glad she asked.
Laura says
I agree completely. If you have to ask others for advice about your guilt, just say no, move on, find a man with perfect children. Better yet, don’t impose yourself on a family that already has enough issues, your guilt doesn’t need to be added to the complexity of an autistic child and the family.
Jehbgr says
What a terribly passive aggressive note!
Juana says
I am in the exact same boat as the OP’s bf. I only wish I could meet a man that can understand the challenges firsthand. I only seem to meet men with typically developing kids or no kids at all 🙁
marianne says
If Carol were asking about dating a person who uses a service dog or a prosthetic limb or whose skin color were different than her own, I would say yes, shallow, selfish, and ridiculous (Evan, your pot-lid comparisons need revision).
That is not what she is asking. She is asking whether or not she should continue investing in a man whose financial, emotional, time, and many other of his resources will be focussed on a child who will never be able to care for himself for (at least) another 12 years; she is also considering that if she stayed with him, she would be taking up that burden.
Saying “no” to this is neither shallow nor selfish nor ridiculous. I am sorry that you have to make this choice, Carol, and I hope that you can find a man who can offer you the same attention that you’re able to offer him <3 .
Eva says
great note
judy says
I think that the poster should follow her gut feelings.
If she does not feel right about it, then she has to give up on the man and on the son. It’s a tough one, but if she took it on, the kid would feel the resentment, and so would the man by the way.
Al says
We need to be honest about what we are able to conquer in our lives and loves. Sometimes, though we may think a person is swell, we know our lifestyles aren’t compatible. The OP has young children herself and will discover that a lot of men will not want to tackle HER kids. It’s best to be honest and lay out the issues rather than try to ignore them. They will come back to haunt you in the future.
NewlyMarriedWoman says
Well, I’m living this. My stepson is autistic and I adore him. He is a pleasure while his neurotypical sister is a trial. We do not spend tens of thousands on autism “care” for him yearly. Far from it.
He is a delightful kid that makes us laugh all the time. We do not know what level of independence he will achieve as an adult but we are hoping for the best and intend to have him employed by the age of 15.
My husband waited till we had been dating for several weeks before he ventured to tell me about this child’s special needs. I couldn’t imagine why he had such trepidation about it? Now reading this thread I guess I can understand.
Well, I guess it’s true the letter writer should break up with her boyfriend so he can find the woman like me who won’t think twice and will love and enjoy his child.
I would just add that the letter writer is confident her children will one day be independent. Let us all hope that is true. But any kid is one accident or virus away from some debilitating condition that takes that rosy future away. Then the letter writer will be in the same position as her current boyfriend is.
Rosie says
Great response, from a single autism mom ❤️❤️
Kat says
My brother has a severe form of cerebral palsy; at age 22, he is in a wheelchair and doesn’t talk or walk. Unless he is put in a group home, he will live with my parents. It is a huge burden on our family, both financially and emotionally. I don’t think any parent really expects to change diapers and share their house with caregivers when your child looks like an adult. I really think you have to live in this situation before you can judge people who do.
OP, If I hadn’t lived this reality growing up, I might think you were being a little heartless or selfish. But having lived this reality, I would say your concerns are very much valid. Though it sounds harsh, having dealt with all the trials that having a child like this entails, I would not for a second want to live like this if I could prevent it. If you really think the relationship is worth it, then go for it. Having a child with a severe disability is a definite challenge and many relationships do not survive it, but having said that, every family deals with different trials and tribulations, so perhaps you could make it work. It’s both difficult but rewarding 🙂
Mr. Mom says
I am a single parent of a 23 year old girl with CP, I have found that women do not want to date a man in this situation. My last gf of 7 years decided to not take it any further, she also has a disabled child, but ended up giving him up to her Mother so she could have a “normal” life. Is that selfish of her ? I think so. She is now remarried and just had another baby. I have aceppted the fact that I will more likely than not live out the rest of my days alone with my beautiful daughter and I’m okay with that. Is this what I want ? Of course not, but I see first hand how women run from my situation. This is a me generation and people just don’t have the same values as in generations past. Having a disabled child is certainly a challenge, but it shouldn’t be a deal breaker as someone else mentioned.
Greg says
My girlfriend of the last 5 years has a disabled son and the lack of freedom, in particular has been an issue for us. We’ve had ups and downs, mostly because we do not have a close, traditional relationship. Getting good care for him is expensive and a challenge and we often stay home and/or do things separately. Understandably, she is anxious and detached quite often because she lives in fear regarding his well being. I have 3 typical kids and we’ve discussed moving forward and blending families. I truly love this woman like no other, but do have concerns about living an isolated, sedentary lifestyle. I know that the there are no guarantees but she does hope for him to be semi independent as an adult. Really it’s been the hardest decision that I’ve ever faced.
BTW, she is wonderfiled to my children. Completely accepting and loving towards them.
Bob says
As someone who recently became romantically involved with a single parent of an autistic child, my early response is “no.” We hardly have any time alone – maybe two or three days during our first month together. Most of our time together includes her son, one or more of his friends, and/or other adults. I consider myself to be an independent person, but the situation for me is already getting old. I like this woman a lot, but it’s pretty damn difficult to establish and build emotional intimacy (and physical intimacy) with such time restrictions in place from day one. Needless to say I’m frustrated already. I don’t want to be, but I am.
Bob says
I meant two or three “times,” not “days.”
Harley says
I don’t understand why she is still stringing this guy along, sounds like a big time user if you ask me. If you don’t like his child then you shouldn’t be with him. Is she selfish, YES, obviously he must be treating her like a queen and she feels threatened by his special needs child. Do him a favor leave him, so a real woman can treat him and his children better than your selfish ass. I hope you realize you’re teaching your own children to be judge mental and narrow minded as yourself, pray your children become a better adult than you, spoiled brat.
Dijnay says
How is being honest the same as being selfish? I guess everyone should be politically correct to the point of stupidity. I think Carol is just saying what a lot of people think, but are afraid to voice. The only narrow minded judgemental person here is you.
Beth says
I am in a relationship for 3 1/2 yrs with a wonderful man with an autistic nonverbal 20 yr old son. The son’s mother is pretty much out of the picture and lives in another state so basically, he has raised his son by himself. I also raised my two wonderful daughters on my own and we both have something in common and that is being a great mom and dad to our kids. My heart is open and big enough to accept his situation and figured I have enough love in me to love another man’s child with special needs. Lately, I’m having second thoughts whether I could do this, not because of the child, but rather, I feel shut out by my boyfriend when it comes to certain situations concerning his son. I am more of a parent that tries to “prepare the child for the road” and he is more the parent that “prepares the road for the child.” He coddles an enables his son instead of allowing him to be more independent. All his actions contradicts his belief and assurance that his son will be able to live in a group home after adult transition so we can have a future together. When I try to voice my feelings about him not allowing his son to grow, he’s shuts me down or deflects what I say. He says he is a special Ed teacher and he knows best about autistic kids. What do I know about autism, my kids are typical bright kids. I feel silenced, like I’m just good enough to care for him but on the sideline, and nothing more. I truly love this man but I am starting to feel frustrated and the thought of marriage scares me.
An says
Evan, I just came across a title of your blog calling someone immoral. But you just said ‘I’m a realist, not a moralist’ as if you can’t be real and have morals. Sounds sociopathic to me.
And it does seem like the OP felt uncomfortable around a child simply because s/he is disabled, which is itself ableist. She is overwhelmed by her preconcieved notions about autistic people and thus has become fixated with the possibly-worst-case-scenario of being autistic, although autism can affect those with the slightest complications and its own perks. The OP is re-enforcing a stigma against disabled people and thus should look within herself before she ever makes a decision: should I have an open mind about disabled children or stay an insecure perfectionist with no love life?
Autism can be an expensive condition, but so are others such as pseudoachondroplastic dwarfism. To have someone not be a part of a dating scene because I who happen to not be is ‘pseudo’ sends the message that I am a burden, rather than a real person who just happens to have a rare condition. They’d be treating me as if I am a disease.
Amanda Butler says
Hi! I can speak from personal experience. I did marry a wonderful man who had a severely autistic child. I really had determination to help him raise his sweet son! However after 10 years of marriage that sweet boy turned into a violent 17 year old who not only killed our dog, but brutally attacked myself and my daughter putting us both in the hospital. I had to call 911 and my husband and his family were angry with me and said I should have just handled him. A month later, I filed for divorce and have been for going on 2 years now. My daughter is still going through therapy for Pstd because of the attack that happened 2 years earlier. If I had to go back and choose, I would have never married him. Autism is bearable when they are little but it’s when they become bigger and aggressive after puberty. This past year I found out my ex had to send his son to a mental hospital. I feel horrible for parents who deal with severely autistic children. I would never marry a man with a autistic child again.
Bob says
Well, my relationship with a single mother of an autistic child is over after six months. Having only one weekend each month of guaranteed one-on-one time (and even that wasn’t really a lock because the child’s father could and did simply say “I don’t want him” some months). We managed to find a few hours together every now and then. Otherwise all of our time was spent in the company of her son and/or his friends. My needs weren’t being met, so I ended it. I felt horribly guilty about it for a while, but now I see that there’s no way I could’ve been happy being the third wheel. I probably will never date a single mother with a special needs child again.
Kim says
So many interesting posts. So many valid, undeniable personal viewpoints. And I think all of it comes back to Evan’s post. You do not have to be the lid for the pot. If you decide you aren’t – no shame. You aren’t immature, shallow, selfish or self-absorbed. You’re making the decision you need to. And if you decide you’re the lid – you’re not magnificent, Mother Teresa or a saint – you’re making the decision you need to.
Honestly, people, isn’t that what it comes down to? No one is disputing the right of an autistic child to unconditional love. No one is disputing the right of a man or woman to a life time of love and happiness? We need to shame and call down? Fact is, I hope we all do the best we can to spread our love and acceptance – no matter the circumstance.
I’m 50 years old. I figure I likely have 35 years (fingers crossed!) of influential life. 12,775 days to make a difference. MAYBE 12, 775 posts! So I’m using this as the first. Let’s stop judging each other for what we dont’ agree with – let’s start encouraging and building each other up. Maybe then, we dont’ need to post for validation and acceptance about what our good heart thinks and feels.
Angel Tyler says
I love this so much. I had a long distance relationship with my fiance. His son is an aspie. You cannot truly understand the condition until you witness it first hand. I am in the same boat as the OP. His son us something else. The problem is he will not medicate him if needed. I already let him know that would be a deal breaker. His son is 8 and still not potty trained. He won’t change himself and lies all of the time. He probably has oppositional defiance disorder and is possibly bipolar. The meltdowns and screaming and him hitting his dad over and over are hard. He says hateful things and cusses. He is a sweet boy at times. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. I have two Neuro typical children that he instigates and argues with constantly. It’s hard but hopefully we can overcome.
Mary says
I think it’s easy to label someone selfish. Those who are putting the labels are not in this situation themselves. For a woman to marry a man and commit to live her life with a parent of an autistic child it’s a major decision.
Life is not easy with “normal” kids, what would you expect from “abnormal” one? If you have any doubts, don’t do it, as you will regret it with the time.
Billy says
Take my word for it do not ever date a person who has a child who is autistic and I mean ever, I love my GF but she does have a autistic son who most of the time is a pain in the ass and head.
I had spoken to her today honestly about the future for us both, I cannot tolerate not being able to have anything and outstanding grocery bills caused by hiss continual eating even our place looks like a dump because of him, he destroys everything from doors,walls,all the heaters and turning up the heat causing outstanding bills which causes anger issues me and my GF are never in public together ever because one of us is always attending to “his needs” at home yet our needs are never met and causing a serious problem with her and I and our friendships with others. We never go on dates or have fun but rather we are annoyed to death with a special needs child whom I will not bow down to any longer and to let anyone out there know not to ever do this, just believe me never date a person with this burden accursed autism.
jennifer says
Hello,
i am so glad to read this….. I am in the exact same situation . You are not alone! I recently met the man of my dreams, we have two 6 year olds. Mine a little girl , and his a little boy that is high functioning autistic. My other half is the greatest dad ever, god bless him for everything he does for his child, he is hand picked my god because not everyone could handle the situation. It has greatly effected my and my 6 year olds life…. to the point of me questioning what is the right thing to do. My gut tells me to run like hell. After the longs days of endless crying and terror in this child’s eyes for no reason. He has his moments of glory, but they are far and few between. I realize that it takes a lot of time away from my daughter having to deal with his son. I also feel like he up rooted this little boy and didn’t really educate me on anything with this matter. I find he has become numb to the chaos after 6 years. Max can talk, and is a genius but has almost a ashbergers trait. The emotion is that of a 2 year old. Some days I find my daughter and I retreating to the bedroom for some peace. It sucks. With that being said….. the universe is teaching me something right now, one, to stand my ground, my daughters well being comes first for me, and the nights I wake up in a panic is telling me that something needs to change ASAP. I have decided that they need there own space so max can have a safe haven to be at peace and we need to build a foundation no matter how long it takes. But I have to put our relationship on the burner and think about the emotional wellbeing of the kids. I don’t care about me right now. If I had a autistic child I would never drop them into someone’s life without serious foundation and education first . I asked him if he thought of that, he has. But I had to say HALT! Do not feel bad for your gut instinct is screaming at you, listen to it. If they love you to no end then time doesn’t matter. Do what is right for you …… you get one life…. period. Thank you for this I needed it!
Rachel Jenkins says
Awesome comments. I am 35 dating a 49 year old father that has a son that is 18 who is autistic. The mother lives less than 10 minutes away and does not have anything to do with the child. She does not help financially, visit or call. The father has no support as far as getting a break and works to try and support the child while he is in school. The father speaks on marriage and I help with staying home sometimes with his son while he works at night sometimes. My thing is I know I can’t commit to him when it comes to a marriage because we barely go anywhere now because he doesn’t have anyone to sit with his son and I just can’t adapt to that life style. I commend the father but in the end I know I will regret marriage because sometimes he tries to make it seem like im suppose to be at the house with his son if he is not home and is really rushing moving in together in which I will not do. It’s as if je is trying to make the responsibilty mines and I just feel like it’s a trap because he wants and needs support. The father has also said before that he and his son is a package deal and if I can’t be around to help out alot then it’s not going to work. It’s really hard dealing with a special needs child without support and not being finacially stable but the experience did open ip my eyes. The post about the puberty and maybe being aggressive as the child ages was also something to think about.
Anonymous says
This makes perfect sense to me as a single/solo/forsaken/completely isolated and alone mother of a child with Rett Syndrome. I am 27, 100 lbs, attractive, but I’m way in debt from student loans, and I will carry the burden of this responsibility alone forever with no other family. I’m basically an orphan and was a ward of the state. Reading things like this on the internet remind me to never date, and fml, I will be alone forever because I know any decent catch would have the same thoughts as the OP. I’M NOT WILLING TO PUT MY HEART THROUGH THAT. Or until my daughter passes at am early age because that may be inevitable with her condition. After that, I go from model mother, as people naively see me as being because I look decent and care a lot, to likely a childless hooker junky on the street begging for more drug money or something. It’s all predetermined. I am my own lid to my own pot destined to live a lonely life. Yes, I choose this because people like the OP are all the world is made of, and I don’t want to be a part of that ableist world.
Ella says
Hi fwiw I’m 48 with a 13 year old. My partner is 50 with an autistic 11 year old and neurotypical 8 year old. I knew of the diagnosis going in, 4 years ago. Thanks to reading Internet forums, I chose a wait and see attitude to marriage based on this child.
I am very grateful that I did, because as he has aged he has choked animals and his sibling, more than once. No love is worth putting my child at risk. I spoke to my partner 2 years in and let him know that I would never live with this child and he was not welcome in my home. I also vowed to help him from afar with research etc. It seemed like the ethical thing to do, and I gave him the choice to move on, knowing where I stood.
We continue to live apart when he has custody, and will do so until this child is in a group home or living independently (which I doubt). It’s not the greatest situation, but my child and I are safe and I love him very much 50% of the time.
Anyone in this situation, I beg you to do similarly. Read forums, understand the violence. He was sweet and cuddly when I met him and has morphed with time and testosterone. Be very, very careful. Your kids come first. This is a compromise which can work.
Neil Houlihan says
I have a son with severe Autism and I am currently going through a divorce. My one piece of advice is if you are having doubts, follow your gut. It is not a road for the faint of heart. I love my Son more than anything but he is life changing. I have no sense of a typical experience in life, but that being sad our life is extraordinary and not the life many get a chance to experiance. My son will never leave me and for that I feel truly blessed he is my bestfriend.
Jacko says
I am a man raising my son on my own who has Autism and ADHD. Tbh I expect your partner deep down expects you to leave although he will likely never say it. He probably could not beleive you dated him in the first place tbh because of the challenges he likely faces at home. Autism is mostly based around problems with communication when that improves over time so likely will the child’s behaviour. I suggest making a real effort with the child helping them with communication. if you do that you may well find a special bond between yourself and the child will start to build because you will start to understand most of his behaviours are simply because he is frautrated. Imagine wanting a specific thing in your mind but not be able to communicate it that’s is simply what a lot of Autism is. Unfortunalty most people don’t understand Autism and because of that single parents and Autistic children often end up alone and isolated. So my advise is ask yourself have I really tried?
Shirley says
carol , thank you so much for being candid about this subject . Dating with children is intense as both participants bring their own bagage to the table . I am in he exact same boat With 3 boys of my own as well and considering to get serious with my guy who’s son has autism 2. I am madly in love with him and his child . I am no stranger to family issues but from family members with mental health and drug addiction and I see autism as manageable with resources (depends on severity), communication and a great plan we can blend our family and have a happy life . Let’s be real here , the fanatsy isn’t real . The love is and will keep you going , and it doenst discriminate. So ask yourself , what does your heart say?
Wilhelmina Murray says
where is the Data. Reading a quote isn’t the same as supporting data. I would love to know where the study was conducted, how were data samples formed, etc. If there’s a scientific study out there, please let me know where.
Towana Allen says
This is a great post. I have a son who is 24 yrs old and is severely autistic and totally blind. He has feelings and is still a blessing. I used to think that it was selfish if someone did not want to have a relationship with me because of him. I had someone who I attempted to get to know say that to me. I do have people to care for my son while I go out and even go on cruises. Many times I think men think that having a child with special needs will somehow take time away from them. You just have to know how to balance your time and when you have help you can give that special man the time he needs and get your own ‘me’ time in. I wish my situation was different…but it isn’t…my other two children are ‘normal’ As far as expenses….I do not have any. I have tapped into all of the resources that are available to my autistic child.
It is not as expensive as many think. But this comes from those who really do not know first hand everything available to them. My husband, his dad, passed away 5 1/2 yrs. ago. It was even difficult for him. My sadness is that many will not give us wonderful people a chance because of our situation and they pass judgment before evaluating it all. Most people run from things that seem like they are going to be hard to deal with. It may….and I say give it a shot to see if it is worth it. Give us all at least a fair chance. Many of us do not even get that. We get judgment.
Quick story I had a friend who kind of looked down on special needs people. Now she is one of them. But to the person dig deep in your heart and make that decision. If it is not for you…it is okay. It takes an extra special person to deal with taking care of a special needs person and it is not easy all of the time. I do hope one day I will meet someone who will be willing to take that chance with me one day. I do not think it is fair I have to grow old alone because I have a special needs child either. But we have to play the hand we are dealt by God and the universe and be the best we can be. I know I am a damn good woman and mom waiting for the special person who can see forest beyond the trees.
love says
LOL Mr Katz obviously hasn’t looked around him at America,land of the very obese women who CONTINUE to get married every year in their strapless wedding gowns and the men who claim to love them and have children with them, while the former-model me remains single never married and attracting ‘asperger’ type men. WHY???
There is a HUGE difference between ‘for better or for worse’ taking care of a spouse who is healthy when you marry them and marrying or dating someone who has significant weird needs.. and you are not a psychologist or nurse of counselor! If you want to be, that is not a ‘romantic’ relationship.
lovefollowup says
..Don’t compare sadness or despair that comes and goes to someone with a ‘disability’ that was in special ed for behavioral or cognitive issues from childhood on!!!
Rosie says
As a single parent to a special needs child I am heartbroken to read these comments. Basically me and my son are a burden to society and anyone who wants a happy life or future shouldn’t touch us with a barge pole and only a man as perfect as Jesus would be able to put up with us…doesn’t leave me with much hope then…and disabilities being compared to alcoholism and drug addiction?!! Don’t know what to say to that at all
Bonita Rachelle Roache says
I’m very happy to see that this Woman is Self Aware and understands what she’s living with. She’s NOT Selfish, Self Absorbed, privileged, or anything like that. She obviously knows and understands fully what her limitations in a Relationship and that this Relationship will not last since she realizes what’s involved. A Special Needs Child is a unique responsibility to undertake and not everyone can mentally and emotionally rise up to that, not everyone would be willing to step up or be involved in that responsibility. I commend this Woman! The OP is very smart and intelligent enough to ask herself the important questions about ending this Relationship, she’s completely right to do so. I personally think she should and needs to think about her own Children, their well being, their future, and her own. It’s no one’s fault because of the reality of the Father’s situation. I don’t know the full situation here, I certainly agree with Evan that she’s the one who has to decide if she’s really the “Lid” for this Pot. I’m a Realist too, not a Moralistic Person too. The OP has to answer the question for herself if she really wants the responsibilities that come with a Special Needs Child. Her own future depends on it.
Me personally, I’d be very open and honest with a Special Needs Parent who’d want a Relationship. I wouldn’t want the responsibilities of any Child in the first place, I don’t want the Care and Costs that’s involved with a Special Needs Child, I wouldn’t want the Financial Costs, I couldn’t handle the costs of my mental and emotional Health caring for the same mental and emotional Health of the Child, nor would I want to have to think about the future care of this Child when He/She grows up and ages out of School Entitlement. I wouldn’t and couldn’t take on those obligations, it’s far too much to ask that of. I love Kids, doesn’t mean that I can and want to parent one. I really like Men too, doesn’t mean I want to be married to One. It’s about knowing what YOU want for yourself and the rest of your life. The OP is being honest with herself and she’s figured it out. Good on Her and her Children…