I Think I Met My Soulmate But He’s Not Ready For A Relationship

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I’ve been dating this guy since New Years so just a month now. It’s going really well. I don’t normally believe in soul mates but I feel like we’re connected in such a different way than I’ve experienced before. So he got out a 3 year relationship in October, and from the start of us dating he’s said he doesn’t think he’s ready to get in relationship yet. He had a boys holiday booked, and he also says that he hasn’t had the opportunity to talk to girls freely. However, he does feel like we have a amazing connection and he wants a relationship and he can really see us having something long term. I know this sounds stupid. I know what most people would say to do and I know what I’d tell myself to do. We’re both really young he’s 20 I’m 19. And I’ve been in this same situation and walked away before. I just feel like inside my gut this might be the person I’m meant to meet? I feel like he makes me a better person and now as I’m writing this I’m thinking am I trying to convince myself that staying with him is the right thing? I just need some advice on this. Do men have this stage ? He only had one girlfriend from when he was 16/17. So I understand. But what do you think I should do? Help please !!!

-Kacy

Dear Kacy, 

Appreciate you writing and sharing your story. 

The feeling of having a soulmate connection is a rare and powerful one.

I had it with Billie when I was 17.

I had it with Laura when I was 21.

I had it with Melanie when I was 30. 

I had it with Eleanor when I was 31.

I had it with Lana when I was 32. 

None of them turned out to be my soulmate. All of them broke up with me. 3 of them have moved onto happy marriages, just like I did. 

My point of telling you this is not to say that it’s impossible, in the way that nothing is impossible. But the odds that this guy is your guy for the next 60 years is exceedingly unlikely in the BEST circumstances given your age and life experience. 

And the odds that this guy is your soulmate in THESE circumstances is virtually nil.

“He got out a 3 year relationship in October, and from the start of us dating he’s said he doesn’t think he’s ready to get in relationship yet.”

Believe the negatives, ignore the positives.

Believe the negatives, ignore the positives. When a guy says he’s not ready for a relationship, it means HE’S NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. He’ll hang out with you, he’ll sleep with you, he’ll be wonderful to you, but he already told you what he wants. It’s up to you to take his words seriously. 

“He had a boys holiday booked, and he also says that he hasn’t had the opportunity to talk to girls freely.” The fact that he’s prioritizing his freedom to talk to other girls over your “soulmate” connection is big red flag #2. How many of these are we going to ignore?

“We’re both really young; he’s 20 I’m 19. And I’ve been in this same situation and walked away before. I just feel like inside my gut this might be the person I’m meant to meet?”

Your feelings are inaccurate for a number of reasons.

The divorce rate for marriages where both people are under 25 is 75% (this is from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Committed”. I can almost promise that all of those couples felt that they were going to be together forever as well. Which tells you that…

The feeling inside your gut – at this point in time – isn’t very accurate. No more than mine was. No more than the 75% of young adults divorcing is. Your feeling is just a feeling – like being drunk or high or excited; it’s temporary and says nothing of your long-term compatibility.

So I’m going to share some middle-aged wisdom with you and I do hope you can take it.

You’re 19 years old. Look back at yourself at when you were 14. What did you know about life? It’s negligible compared to what you know now, right? 

Trust me: when you look back at 19-year-old Kacy at 24, you’ll feel the same way.

And 29-year-old Kacy will shake her head at 24-year-old Kacy. 

And 34-year-old Kacy will shake her head at 29-year-old Kacy.

Eventually, the head-shaking mostly stops, but not until you have a LOT more experience and wisdom. Without denying your feelings, this is a time for you to explore and grow. If it means love, choose love with a man who is ready to love you the way you deserve, not a guy who has already told you that he’s absolutely NOT ready for it.

Good luck.
Evan

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Malika With an L

    I was 18 when i left my hometown after my then boyfriend told me he loved me but he didn’t see a future. I was devastated because at the time i thought he was The One, crescendo of violins whenever i looked at him level. 21 years later, many many many adventures later we are both very happy with other people and know it would have been an absolute disaster if we had settled down together. Sometimes i’ll be idly washing the dishes or hanging up the washing and realize that i didn’t marry him and therefore lead the amazing life I did. I might have broken into a spontaneous dance at those times shouting YESYESYES.

    You will feel hurt and disappointed, maybe even intensely so, for quite a while but you will feel relief. You can look forward to your very own bullet dodged dance in later years, even though it seems impossible right now.

    1. 1.1
      Patricia

      To Malika With An L

      What a beautiful message!

  2. 2
    Noquay

    Not ready to commit=He ain’t your soulmate. It’s that simple.

  3. 3
    Bbq

    I don’t see the problem here? She’s very young so she should just have a (non) relationship with this guy and see where it goes. It’s not like she’s in her later 20’s and running out of time.

    1. 3.1
      Karl S

      Or even just date romantically without calling it exclusive for a while longer. Heck I didn’t settle down with my partner for close to 6 months before she started putting more pressure on me to make up my mind. 😛

    2. 3.2
      Jenn

      The problem is that she is speeding 90 miles an hour toward Hurt City and no one but her can stop it. I was that girl at her age. Starry-eyed and dumb as a box of rocks when it came to guys, I was infatuated so easily. I fell HARD for two losers who appeared in my life back-to-back. I wasted two years of my life pining after these idiots who persistently toyed with me.

      She doesn’t have to get hurt if she listens to reason, unlike me.

      1. 3.2.1
        K

        It also depends if she can learn from this. I did a lot of dumb stuff in my teens, 20s, and even 30s when it came to men. However, I’ve been really good at learning from those mistakes and not doing the same dumb stuff on repeat. For example horrible heartbreak at 22 and I probably let it sideline me for 5 years. However, you never saw me do that again. The lesson was strong. The challenge is that I gave girlfriends in their 40s who didn’t learn the lesson and keep doing at 40 what they did at 20. I don’t know if it would build resilience in her if she makes a few mistake or just be a person who has a pattern of making mistakes.

  4. 4
    In Hiding

    I don’t believe in soul mates. It’s good to learn that early rather than often.

  5. 5
    Lynda D Reyes

    I will tell u that there is no journey in life that’s 100% good r bad. So, a lotta advice I see here from different people that may appear conflicting, so possibly confusing 2 u in which 1 shud u listen 2 is this. Go w/ur feelings AND gut, ALWAYS. They usually give us the good & the bad. U r having normal excited feelings of a new experience & normal fright at the same time. Welcome both. Always throughout life, be alert, be aware of urself in how u feel moment 2 moment & asks ur higher power 2 guide u & always leave any person u do w/a good feeling of being kind in the world & 2 those in the world. I have always been blessed & am an empath w/HSP. However, at 59 yrs old, this month, I only discovered answers 2 things I’ve always known 2 b true about me w/out ever knowing r understanding why until the discovery of HSP. That only happened last month! So, know that ur life will lead u thru many roads. Some straight & easy. Enjoy..
    Bc there will also b many w/ sharp turns & narrow, difficult terrain. Each happen 4 a good reason. Enjoy the beauty that the negative roads send u through. Bc w/out developing the negatives properly u cannot develop a beautiful picture. It is harder 2 focus on the good bc our minds & the world zone in on the bad. Make a difference, be different, be urself. No 2 people r ALIKE altho we can find similarity as well. The glass is half full AND half empty. Each glass is slightly at a different level tho. When u realize ur glass is becoming more empty, fill it to UR mark again. It is a constant part of life 2 circle thru the cycles of life. But 1 day ur circle will b complete, be it here r a place we dont really know the location of now. Focus on ur circle surrounded by a halo of beauty and bright lites 2 b seen by those who struggle w/keeping lite int their life

    1. 5.1
      sylvana

      Lynda,

      I agree with you, except for the part about seeing the beauty in the negative when it comes to true empaths. I’ve never seen any beauty in anything negative, regardless of what it is. Likewise, I don’t need to see the negative to appreciate the beauty.

      I can appreciate the wonder and beauty of undisturbed nature, for example, just fine without seeing the destruction humans have wreaked upon it. As a strong empath, the destruction becomes too hard to handle. And there are plenty of people who aren’t empaths who are capable of appreciating beauty or the good even without experiencing the bad. They know the bad exists. I train horses and work with them in other ways. The pain so many have been through (physical, emotional and psychological) because of humans is near overwhelming. There is no beauty in any of that. And it never led to anything beautiful, either. For most of them, it never will.

      An empath, especially, has no need to experience the negative to know the beauty. Because we experience beauty/the good. We experience the emotions, the vibrations, the feelings, the sensations, and the energy that comes along with the positive. So we’re fully aware of how it feels. We also feel the neutral. So we fully know the difference. The negative impacts us much stronger. We are super-sensitive to every energy around us. We also don’t relate to how others feel, we actually experience it. We do best when we’re as far removed from the negative as possible. Because we don’t just feel our own emotions, feelings, etc., but that of every living being around us.

      I also often have to laugh at how many people consider themselves empaths (not saying you aren’t, but people, in general). They tell me they’re an empath. Oh really? Then how come you have no idea that your kid is about to explode from stress? Because your kid is standing there quietly, showing no outwards signs of it? Or how come you’re annoyed with your horse being “naughty” when it’s actually trying to tell you that it’s extremely nervous?

      But, as I said, overall, I fully agree with you. And your message was a wonderful one.

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