I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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Comments:

  1. 391
    Tiffany

    First off, celebs do not have a monopoly on the perfect bidies or faces. They tend to be attractive because whether humans like to admit it or not, we are shallow and like to look at exteriorly pretty people, but lots of attractive ppl aren’t actresses or actors. In fact, angelie jolie is not even close to having the perfect figure. She is too skinny. Your body measurements are ideal. I hate to use that word ideal but based on the science of desire, you have it. Look it up: hip to waist ratio. Your boyfriend trying to say you don’t compare is 1). False. And 2). Just retarded on his part. He doesn’t know women. Women are taught from day 1 that to be desired is to be loved. Blame society, blame God, whatever, but that’s how we are raised so make ur woman feel beautiful. With that said, you seem a bit narcissistic. You think your the cutest thing in the snack aisle. And you very well may be but you didn’t work extra hard or do anything special to look how you do. You were born that way, so don’t let it make you one of those stuck up chicks. The research is conclusive. People who value their intrinsic worth are happier, more connected and more loving to others. Your hot bod can’t keep a man warm at night, so get over yourself a bit. Not sure if ditching the bf is necessary. Men are sorda clueless. Talk to him about it. Hopefully he REALIZES he’s an idiot and doesn’t press REPEAT. good luck, chic and peace.

  2. 392
    Theodora

    After reading this thread I asked my boyfriend to tell me that I’m hotter than Angelina Jolie. He said that only if I tell him first that he plays football better than Ronaldo. I tried but I couldn’t because my sides were splitting with laughter.

      1. 392.1.1
        Theodora

        I think we can reach a compromise: he can tell me that I’m hotter than Ronaldo and I can tell him that he plays football better than Angelina Jolie. That way we can keep a straight face.

  3. 393
    Alice

    Evan, this is super dumb. Come on.

    Honesty is a great thing. We should all strive to be honest, and saying something truthful has a certain amount of intrinsic value.

    Saying something false that’ll probably make your partner’s whole day? That has more intrinsic value. Point blank.

    Is there any harm done in telling your wife she’s the most beautiful woman in the world? Only the tiny harm done by verbalizing something false. But hey, guess what, the universe isn’t keeping track of how freakin’ honest you are. You don’t get a medal for it.

    Is there any good done in telling your girlfriend she’s the most beautiful woman in the world? Yeah – she’ll feel like a goddamn queen.

    It’s simple cost-benefit analysis. Cost: saying something false. Benefit: making the person you supposedly love beam with joy. If the former outweighs the latter for you, I’d say you’ve got a problem. Your wife may be perfectly accepting of the fact that you think she’s a 7. But I can guarantee with substantial certainty that she’d smile a lot bigger if you told her you thought she was a 10. Why wouldn’t you want to give her that? Because it isn’t true? Kinda seems like a small price to make the love of your life feel good.

    The question isn’t why she wants the affirmation; it’s why you don’t want to give it. The truth hurts all right – but why do you want to hurt?

    1. 393.1
      Adam Smith

      Alice,

      I don’t think youre being fair. If you read through the comments here, many posters say that the boyfriend should actually believe that his girlfriend is a modern day Helen. Its not a politeness thing. You’re thinking of the old ‘do I look fat in this?’ chestnut. Of course we will all answer ‘no’ if we have an manners. This is about a psychogical delusion that some posters think a man should adopt. Indeed they have a strange conception of what a mans love is like and demand that real life men conform to it. And if he doesn’t hes an ‘assshole’ and a ‘jerk’ :O

  4. 394
    Angie

    Im in a relationship where I told my bf that this guy who was trying to talk to me kept calling me sexy and wanted to sexual relationship with me and didn’t care that I had  a significant other  and my bf told me that he didn’t know why the guy was boosting my head up that he didn’t think I was sexy that he was with me for my personality 💔

  5. 395
    Clare

    The OP in this situation is a narcissist.

     

    I love my own gender, but this letter is a classic example of something I can’t stand about many women.

    If one of my girlfriends asked me this question (in reference to her boyfriend), I would tell her to grow up.

  6. 396
    Emily

    Actually I disagree with Evan and I support Diana.

    It means this guy is critical and a Debbie downer.

    I hope you find a better boyfriend soon.

     

  7. 397
    Adam Smith

    It’s quite amazing (and revealing) that Evan took so much heat for this.

    To a man this is basic common sense.

    Please consider a couple of things here, gentle women of the jury.

    1/ You want men to not judge you solely by looks, right? Well thats exactly what we’re doing in this scenario. Of course my girlfriend isnt the worlds prettiest person. She does though, have many qualities that make her an attractive partner. This is exactly what you claim to want! If I commented that I’d undergone a form of psychological delusion and now found my girlfriend to be the most beautiful person alive, out of all 7 billion of them, I’d be comfirming your worst stereotypes about men and how they objectify women. You could call that ‘love’ but it amounts to much the same thing.

    2/ We get it, womens feelings matter, even if theyre not always rational or logical. But you must also realize that there have to be limits. If your feelings completely escape from the realms of reality perhaps its time to question their validity.

    To sum up: take it as the compliment it is.

    1. 397.1
      Jasmina

      Respectfully, what does that say about you that YOU are not with one of the prettiest girls in the world?  You are insulting yourself and what you are able to attain.  I would think men would not want to put themselves does in this manner? Maybe, men are bitter because they know they do not have what it takes to be with the prettiest girl in the world.  This is fascinating.

  8. 398
    Poolia

    This whole thing is disheartening.   All this focus on looks.. remember,  make your partner feel good,  reap the benefits.  So Honesty isnt wanting to make make your partner feel good??? Or is honesty making them feel like the dump you flushed down the toilet this morning?  Honesty is how you want that person to feel and how positive ypu want to make a relationship.

    Do you want to see someone happy blooming with life  or do you want to see that someone pop thier head out of the toilet dripping with poo and take them to bed later?

    Geeze so serious.  Get a grip and be good to those close to you,  let them know they are as good as anyone else.

  9. 399
    Jasmina

    Oh my goodness!  I don’t know where to begin! I did modeling all through out my twenties.  I am blessed with good genes and although I am in my mid thirties, most people mistake me for around 25 years old.  I had never been with a man that did not worship me.  I realize looking back that I may have had narcissistic tendencies because I thrived off compliments.  However, it took being with a man that NEVER gave me a compliment to realize that not every man finds me attractive!   I actually do resemble a celeb but this man in particular would never even say I was beautiful!  It was eating me up inside.  Finally, I confronted him.  I asked him why he paid compliments to his co-workers, strangers and family members, but never even told me I looked good!?  He replied “You already know you are beautiful, you don’t need to hear it.”  So, there you go.  But wait, it gets better!  I find out 4 years later that he is gay.  It all made so much sense from the never getting jealous of other men’s attention and compliments towards me, to his lack of interest in me!  I would never ever go back into a relationship where a man did not make me feel like a beautiful queen.  As soon as you notice these red flags of an insecure or gay man, LEAVE.  Call it narcissism, but I believe it is preservation of the female species to want to be desired, protected, and cared for.

  10. 400
    Claudia

    Evan, I apologize for not reading every entry but let’s remove celebrities all together. Do you think your wife would of had the same reaction if you said you thought her best friend looked hotter than her? I assume that it still wouldn’t matter right? Or how about someone you had cheated on in the past with? Still wouldn’t matter, no?

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