I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? —Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    – You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    – You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    – You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him — that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 21

    I usually almost always agree with what you’ve written, Evan, and even in this case I do, to a point. Guys are definitely more direct and honest. I’ve learned not to ask if I don’t want an honest answer from my boyfriend, but in this case, I don’t necessarily agree with the boyfriend just being honest. I do think the OP is possibly insecure and was seeking validation from her boyfriend with her question, but I think that her boyfriend should find her “hot” because why wouldn’t you date someone that you found hot? I know I’m not the most beautiful person in the world and I know that there are women out there that I’m sure my boyfriend would find objectively “hotter” but he tells me all the time that he thinks I’m hot and beautiful and pretty and he shows me all the time that he feels that way as well. He wolf whistles at me or ogles me and winks. It’s the little things that go a long way in making a woman feel attractive and “hot” and while I would never ask for a direct comparison with a celebrity I know that my boyfriend would still tell me that I was hot if I did. (Well, probably only after he told me it was a stupid “trap question!)

    1. 21.1

      Thank God you can’t stop bragging about how your spouse makes you feel hot even when u knw u are not the hottest to him. Am sure it makes you feel secured and you don’t want the insecurity in you (everyone has an insecure aspect in their life), to come alive. you will rather continue to enjoy his compliments than ask.

      But here is someone who is secured enough to ask her spouse if shes hot or as hot as Angelina Jolie because they were both looking at her, and all the guy can say is that his woman is by no means as hot as this other woman!. WHAT? Who does that? He can as well say “Go and sit down….. we are talking hot women and you are showing up too”? This is really insulting to the woman that has kept u with her for a year. (NOTE: it is the woman that keeps the relationship. she works hard to see it grow).

      Apart from the fact that shes a star, she is another woman for God’s sake. If it were u, who isn’t as confident to ask her man because u don’t want to get hurt, wouldn’t u feel bad? Wouldn’t you question your attractiveness and all?

      Why judge the lady because she acted as human and became insecure because her spouse caused it.

      Before you judge, look at your situation and character first.

      And that is to every other person here!

  2. 22

    Re: # 19
    “This is about the OP who thinks there’s something wrong with her relationship because while her boyfriend of one year finds her pretty, he doesn’t think she’s the prettiest person he’s ever seen.”

    I think it may also have a bit to do with vanity since Diana wrote: “While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend!”

    Mirror, mirror on the wall – who’s the fairest of them all?
    You better say me, if you know what’s good for you!!!!

  3. 23
    Karl R

    Amanda said: (#1)
    “A man telling his woman she doesn’t compare to another is basically telling her she’s second rate and that if given the choice between her and Angelina, he’d choose Angelina. She doesn’t want to feel like a consolation prize because he couldn’t get anyone better.”

    My fiancée has met the most attractive woman I ever dated. Part way through my first date with the more attractive woman, I realized that I had no interest in ever dating her again -and- I should have scheduled a shorter date. That woman was sweet and beautiful, but not intelligent enough to maintain my interest.

    I got someone better than that attractive woman. Physical attractiveness isn’t the most important quality.

    Aksauy asked: (#11)
    “Like i always say, honesty is overrated. If you had a choice to tell the truth and hurt your g/f feelings, or tell a (harmless) lie and make her feel good, why would you chose to tell the truth?”

    Why would I choose a girlfriend who needs a steady diet of lies to be happy?

    As david said (#9), flip the genders.

    Would you date a man who got upset because you thought George Clooney (or Russel Crowe, or Orlando Bloom) was better looking than him?

    Would you date a man who has to be reassured that you’ve never dated anyone who was stronger, more handsome, more successful or better endowed than he was?

    Diana asked:
    “if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined?”

    Do you have to believe a man is more handsome than all Hollywood celebrities combined in order to be truly into him?

    1. 23.1

      @Karl R:

      I loved that you flipped this. Especially that last statement….I did that quite a lot when my (now ex bf) didn’t understand issues I brought to him….as in “Put yourself in my place, how would you feel if I had not taken down my match profile” etc etc
      He would then step back and say, “OH…yeah, I wouldn’t be very happy”. When you put that last statement the way you did it made perfect sense to me.

      I’d never ask my guy if he thought I was beautiful. I’d feel silly. I want a compliment to come from his heart. I feel great about myself. I’m def not the most beautiful in the world….but I’m good with where I’m at. I do like it when he told me I was beautiful and I knew he meant it. It made me feel beautiful even though I’m more cute than beautiful! But it wouldn’t mean much to me if I had to ask him.

      On the flip side….my ex husband was emotionally abusive so he’d undermine me in every way possible. That is a whole other situation and not to be tolerated in my opinion. I felt ugly around him. I felt insecure. It was an insidious thing that occurred over years and one day I woke up a shell of my former self. It took about one week after leaving him to get myself back. Now, when I’m choosing a LTR one of the things I look for is: When I look in his eyes what is reflected back? I look for: support, love, understanding, that he’s happy when with me, (and vice versa) and that he adores me. (Adore -not in a needy way).  

      Since it didn’t sound like the OP’s bf had been abusive in the RS at any level I think she was a bit over the top….just my opinion. Personally, I think it comes down to self confidence. You have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, get some.

  4. 24

    I agree men and women communicate differently but many women like to be told they are beautiful, and some of us who are a little insecure need a little reassurance. Frankly I think kindness should trump frankness when it doesn’t hurt anything – would it have killed her boyfriend to just tell her she’s hot?

  5. 25
    Happy Person

    Wasn’t there a comment on here recently about AJolie being an upgrade from Jennifer? I don’t think it was a poster who made the comment, and the comment wasn’t about AJolie being a better communicator than Jennifer. So not sure why the descent into petty celebrity comparisons is all on the posters.

  6. 26

    I think what’s ultimately sad is that Amanda echoes a sentiment that is now embedded in young women everywhere; that they’re only as good as their looks and need to be seen as beautiful first and foremost. Beauty is not just a word for looks. It’s a word for sentiments, feelings, and all sorts of other things that go along with marriage. My wife is a beautiful person, and her looks are simply a part of that. She’s so much more than good looking. She’s good feeling, good hearted, good natured, good-smarted (to keep the theme) and good to her family. Society and commercialism have demonized women who aren’t a certainly weight and height, and worse, has often made them look at only their defects…. Evan is absolutely right that men are direct and that honesty in a marriage is so much more important than someone who lies. Tact is a factor as Heather said and should not be forgotten, but I think what this person is really scared of is that he’ll leave her for someone better looking and she can’t come out and say that. He probably would totally re-assure her that he loves her if she did.

    1. 26.1

      I think that the ideal world, he would have told the truth about how “hot” he found her (although, I’m not clear on the technical definition of “hot”), but then went on to say how much he values her as a person. But we don’t live in an ideal world, obviously. While I don’t think this is a deal breaker, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for her to explain to him how what he said made her feel.
      As for how beautiful a person is, the age-old saying is “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I have found some very attractive guys who can almost become physically uglier if they turn out to be someone corrupted or morally bankrupt. Likewise, I have dated men who would not necessarily be considered drop-dead gorgeous. But once I got to know them, and they showed that they possessed a wonderful personality, my opinion of their physical appearance skyrocketed. I may be able to appreciate an actor’s good looks on the surface, but they have nothing on the person who I want to talk to when I’m down, or who I want to spend my days with.
      I wouldn’t be bothered if my boyfriend didn’t consider me the “hottest” girl, but I would be concerned if he didn’t think that I was the most beautiful. To me, beauty is infinitely more than skin deep and I would want to be with someone who felt the same way.

  7. 27

    One thing is for sure, the boyfriend is tactless.I don’t buy this being blunt as a reason to hurt your partners feelings. On the other hand its best not to ask questions you arent prepared to hear the answer to.

    I remember years ago talking with my husband about Marilyn Monroe and I mentioned I thought she was the sexiest woman I had ever seen. He said he didnt agree, and when I asked him who was sexiest to him, thinking he would choose another celebrity, he said “You are”.

    He got a lot of “brownie” points with that response 🙂

  8. 28

    @Karl: everybody needs reassurance, men even more than women. What is so horrible in offering it? And again, “pretty”? Sorry, a dress is “pretty”, a little girl with a bow is “pretty”, but if a guy does not find his girfriend anything other than “pretty”, there absolutely is something wrong with it. My money is on him just being clueless thou

  9. 29
    Katarina Phang

    It’s not about honesty, it’s about whether or not idle talk is conducive in relationship. To me talking about relative attractiveness of others compared to your partner is idle talk. What’s the point? What purpose does it serve? Now, you have an insecure partner or hurt feelings because of that.

    If you love someone you want to build them up not put them down. I will definitely bond closer to my partner who says, “Honey, you may not be the most beautiful woman in the world to others, but you are to me.”

    What he thinks about me matters the most, not what other people think.

    1. 29.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      This is astonishing to me. The wonderful boyfriend didn’t come out of the blue and say, “You know what? I’m not attracted to you at all. In fact, if I had to do it all again, I’d hold out for someone who looks more like Angelina Jolie.” Not even close.

      The OP, Diana, came out and ASKED him, point-blank, to say something that, at the very least, stretches the bounds of credulity. It puts him in an unfair position – and everyone who’s getting on him for being tactless is not remotely sympathetic to him. Lying – to some of us – is an extremely uncomfortable act. It broaches our integrity and makes us feel uneasy with ourselves. To some of us, truth isn’t something that’s optional.

      So to all the women who are somehow sympathetic with our insecure, manipulative, unrealistic OP…

      Are you more bothered by the fact that:

      1) He didn’t tell her a pretty little lie like, “Sweetie, I wouldn’t even look twice at Angelina if she were standing next to you.” (You know this is a lie. I know this is a lie. But we’re going to pretend it’s not.)


      2) He didn’t actually think she was as hot as a super-hot celebrity. (Because your boyfriend can’t simply be in love with you, treat you well, and make your life better in a thousand ways – every man has to be delusional enough to sincerely think his girlfriend is the HOTTEST woman in the WORLD)

      Remember, he IS her boyfriend. He DOES find her attractive, and for all we know, he compliments her when she gets dressed up for a night on the town or when they’re in the bedroom. (We have no evidence that he doesn’t). The ONLY reason this came up was because she was soliciting a completely unrealistic compliment.

      I wouldn’t WANT a girlfriend who says, “Oh, you’re the ‘biggest’ man I’ve ever been with.” It’s not true. It would make me feel uneasy. It would make me feel that she may be lying to me about other things. This seems so readily apparent to me.

      Are all you defenders REALLY saying that the “right” man is going to FEEL you’re more beautiful than the most beautiful woman or SAY that you’re more beautiful than the most beautiful woman, even though we all know that neither is true? Don’t all of his OTHER actions as a boyfriend add up to a lot more than this ridiculous unsolicited question by an insecure girlfriend? Would you REALLY turn this into a dealbreaker against your man?

      If so, you now have a much clearer explanation as to why men lie to you. You can’t handle the truth.

      1. 29.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        I had a discussion similar to this with a bf once.
        Me: “Wouldn’t you dump me for Paris Hilton in a heartbeat?” (This was when PH was all the rage.)
        Him: “No. I wouldn’t.”
        Me: “Why wouldn’t you?”
        Him: “Yeah, she’s wicked hot. But she dump me for the next boy toy in a month. Maybe we’d have crazy sex for a month. But there wouldn’t be any love. So why would I want her when I have all the love I want with you?”
        I’d hazard a guess that OP would hone in on the “Yeah she’s hot…and we’d have hot sex for a month…” instead of hearing the real message. Which is that he treasured the love we shared.

        1. Adam Smith

          Karmic Equation,

          I’d choose   you over paris Hilton right now and you could be, for all I know, a 400lb trucker with a handlebar mustache.

      2. 29.1.2

        I would love men to be blunt  all the time. For instance:

        Don’t tell us in the first few months that we are beautiful if you don’t think we are. Trust that we will go out with you for your true self. I don’t want to be lied to via fake flattery.  Nobody wants to sleep with you and develop a relationship based on a lie.  Just leave our looks out. If you must say something  say we are sexy or hot or cute. Be real. It’s much more attractive to us.

        My guy knows he can find other people hot and have sex with anyone he wants. He just has to give me the same opportunity. If  people were truly  blunt all the time there would be no cheating or lying. It wouldn’t be necessary.

        Unlike the insinuation in many of the comments – I never ask how  I look. I know what I look like. I don’t need  anyone to approve of  me. But please tell me how hot the waitress is because that I need to know 😉

        Let’s  really tell the truth here if you all can handle it. Flattery isn’t  actually for the other person; it’s to get what  you  want. Which is why a year later when you have him/her you no longer have to lie about how good looking they are.

        (And always use a condom. No need to get stuck with some homely chick  over  a night of fun…)

        1. Lacy

          Oh and also! My fiance said almost those exact words that Katerina suggested, ”  “You may not be the most beautiful  to everyone else but you are to me.” He has also said, “Oh look hun, you are like her (actress on TV) you are not gorgeous but you are cute”.

          Did I feel great after he said it? No of course not but he is no Robert Redford either. The only thing I would change is that he said it up front the first few weeks of dating instead of pretending he found me beautiful. Now I have to decide if I want someone who doesn’t find me all that pretty. Other guys have told me I am gorgeous but maybe they were lying too. So see where the problem is here? The bluntness is random.  

          I reiterate be blunt all the time because you may waste someone’s, and your own, time.

  10. 30

    FIRST OFF, ladies….who asks men about how they look? WHO goes fishing for compliments? Just dress good, eat healthy, keep up with the hygienne, etc and there you go, he KNOWS you look good. Thats all he needs, to look at you without having to give a response all the time. I mean we like to hear it, but I certainly NEVER ask a man how I look, because my looks are measured by ME.

    I think its creepy when women go fishing for compliments verbally, why yall got to be so insecure? Ladies, its time to grow up. Evans right, the truth hurts. Dont ask if you dont want to get hurt.

    1. 30.1

      Sometimes it’s not what we say but how we say it.

    2. 30.2

      We don’t always aske. Many times it’s offered.

  11. 31
    Katarina Phang

    Yes I agree that asking stupid questions about who’s hotter is an idle talk too and it reeks insecurity. I will never do that because it’s like opening a can of worms. However, I do think the boyfriend can perhaps be more diplomatic about it instead of making it like a talk-show debate with factual precision.

    And I agree with others too many of these celebs will look normal without all the work/glam up they have.

  12. 32

    Guess what? Angelina Jolie isn’t even Angelina Jolie. Movie stars have a team of stylists and makeup artists. They’ve been lipo-suctioned, botoxed, had plastic surgery, and even their long gorgeous hair is augmented with extensions. In order to maintain their super-skinny bods, they never eat. Their photos? Photoshopped.

    OTOH, what’s wrong with telling your girlfriend that to you, she is the most beautiful woman in the world? Hopefully, we mortals understand that beauty isn’t skin deep, and there are many factors that make a person “beautiful.” I’ve met some really handsome guys, but had no chemistry with them, or they turned out to be jerks. Their looks were, ultimately, unimportant.

  13. 33

    Evan, i am utterly confused by the question. If we assume that there exist THE HOTTEST woman to whom no one should compare themselves, than i woder who that woman is? Have all men on the planet agreed on that? Is that AJ? if not, and if beauty is, in fact, subjective, than logically what is the reason the OP can’t be THE HOTTEST woman – in the eyes of her b/f? Why not? And if that is a possibility, than why wouldnt she be upset that it didnt turn out to be true?

    1. 33.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Rationalizations. Excuses. Subterfuge. Avoiding the question. It doesn’t matter if Angelina has “help”. It doesn’t matter if beauty is somewhat subjective (and it’s not really THAT subjective). All that matters is whether a man should say something untrue to his wife because it would make her feel better. And if we play that slippery slope, how does it look in reverse? The 35K office drone asking his girlfriend if he’s as successful as Bill Gates? The 100 IQ, 1000 SAT guy asking his girlfriend if he’s smarter than Einstein? The short, fat, balding, back hair guy asking if he’s as hot as Chris Hemsworth?

      All of those “normal” men are worthy of love and should be praised by their girlfriends. I just don’t think they need to be lied to.

      I can praise my wife on her looks. There’s no reason for me to lie to her. And there’s no reason for her to ask me to lie to her.

      A woman on my Facebook page just said – based on this post – that I was a shallow LA guy who doesn’t love his own wife. Oh really?

      Is this the world we live in? Where a man who has an accurate assessment of his own limitations (and his wife’s) is accused of not loving his wife?

      Or does everyone here think that you’re a 10 in looks, intelligence, personality, humor, taste, athletic ability, career, etc. If so, on behalf of your future partner: that amount of lying becomes extremely tiresome extremely fast.

      1. 33.1.1

        Hmmm…some may call it lying, some may call it tact.

        Scenario A:

        Boyfriend  exclaims, “What do you mean I’m not the best lover you’ve ever had?!”

        Girlfriend replies, nonchalantly, “yeah…you’re pretty good, but I’ve had better…”

        Boyfriend  retorts, “Coulda fooled me with all your moaning and screaming…loud enough to wake the entire block!”

        Female replies, “I’m just expressive like that…always have been.   Don’t get me wrong…you’re good, I’ve just had better…”

        Let’s be honest here, we can be as honest as we want, that still doesn’t mean it’s not gonna sting a bit.   Some people appreciate brutal honestly, some people prefer a softer landing, some people prefer not to know at all…


        1. Tanya

          Scenario B:

          Boyfriend  exclaims, “What do you mean I’m not the best lover you’ve ever had?!”

          Girlfriend replies, “Don’t get me wrong, you rock my World and your the Best boyfriend a girl could ever ask for.   Sometimes I just wonder why the people you have the most crazy chemistry with are sometimes the most incompatible or highly conflictual…I’m just so   grateful and happy that I have the total package with you….someone who satisfies me so wonderfully in and out of bed….I’m so lucky to have you…(kiss kiss)

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Boyfriend was foolish to say “What do you mean I’m not the best lover you’ve ever had?”

          If he doesn’t ask the insecure question, he doesn’t have to face the potentially disappointing answer.

        3. Tanya

          IME, that equates to saying, your Inner-Child was foolish enough to ________.

          I read somewhere that one of the most common questions on one’s death bed is, “Did I do enough? Was I enough?”   

          Some find self-realization by looking within.   Some find it through relationships.

          Whether we look to ourselves to be our own cheerleader or to   our nearest and dearest, we always, no matter what, appreciate our SO in our corner.   How that manifests in action would be subjective to the couple involved, but deeply appreciated nonetheless.



  14. 34

    @Evan (15): Thanks for replying 🙂

    You really make some good points. What actually bothers me is the way the boyfriend said what he said (according to Diana).

    If it were the way you put it here – ‘She never said that her boyfriend insulted her or found her unattractive. She said that he didn’t think she was attractive as debatably the sexiest celebrity out there. To which I said, “So what?”’ – i would have said the exact same thing: so what.

    But how Diana puts it is somewhat different: ‘To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them.’

    English is not my mother language, but from what i know, pretty and beautiful are somewhat in different leagues. Indeed, i accept the fact that i am a victim of what your linguistics prof explained, but i still think that Diana’s boyfriend was a bit blunt. Sure, the whole ‘problem’ is a bit childish, if you ask me. BUT: the way you said it, Evan, was elegant. The way he said it seemed – well, not so nice. It would have been totally fine if he said, you are beautiful too (not ‘pretty’ – i always think of little children when i hear that), but, well, not like Angelina. It also seems immature of him not to acknowledge the whole plastic surgery, make-up etc details. It is unfair to compare a regular person to a celebrity.

    Maybe it was a poor choice of words and i’m being picky, i dont know…

    Oh, and one more thing: I loved the way you brought the Colin Farrell story up. However, there is a slight difference. While i think that the DNA statement is was way off track, i do think that a really vast majority of women wants to look good and feel beautiful – heck, if it weren’t so, we wouldn’t be spending all that money on make-up and so on. What i am trying to say is that to men, this problem of not being Brad Pitt isnt that relevant to them.

    We have a saying in my country which goes like this: ‘Never tell a woman she’s ugly, nor a man that he’s incompetent’.
    Agreed, it is a bit out of date for our society right now, but it brings out something important, which i think has something to do with masculin/feminine energy. I assume that any aspiring businessman would feel a tad offended if his SO would tell him ‘Well, honey, you’re no Donald Trump, but you manage.’. I think this wouldn’t exactly tingle his ears. Please, correct me if I’m wrong.

    And one more thing: i know this might be a lot to ask, but what is your wife’s take on this issue 😀

  15. 35

    Evan, you keep on missing the point. The point is this. We do not KNOW all the details in the conversation, we don’t know HOW he said that to her.

    I keep saying this and I will keep on saying it until I’m blue in the face. It is NOT what you SAY. It is HOW it is said. The way it came across to me was rather rude.

    I have not, nor will I say, that her question was a good one. But. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way. And I ought to know, after all the verbal abuse I’ve gone through. I’ve had years of “You’re stupid. You’re lazy. There’s something wrong with you.” Now, anytime my boyfriend tells me I’m pretty or great (And no, I do not ask, because one good thing I learned from all the verbal abuse is to not give a damn what men think of me), I feel alot happier because of a small act of kindness. He told me I was pretty while in the hospital, high on morphine, limp greasy hair, no makeup, and glasses. Of COURSE I looked awful, but he performed an act of kindness.

    The guy didn’t have to lie to her but he didn’t have to be that rude, either. Goodness gracious.

  16. 36

    Oh, just read your Post in 35. It somewhat answers my questions 😀

    However i would like to add something. You say it is not THAT subjective. I think it is. Look, this year, Miranda Kerr was voted the best looking person of the year. Another magazine said Beyonce tops the list. There was an article claiming that a girl in Britain has the most symmetrical face and is, hence, the most beautiful women in the world. For years, Kate Moss was seen as the epitome of beauty (don’t ask me why). Not to mention, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Liz Hurley, Jessica Alba, Megan Fox etc. If we put all these women together , what will we get? Surely, a group of very good looking women.

    But what is the answer to ‘Who is the fairest of them all’? Now this is subjective.

  17. 37

    If Diana commented to her boyfriend that she thought he wasn’t as hot as [insert hot male celeb here], he wouldn’t give a f—, because he already knows he’s not as hot as [hot male celeb]. And he wouldn’t give the comment a second thought.

  18. 38

    The message in the tale of Snow White is that if one is the fairest in the land, they may not always remain so. And their vanity will prove to be their undoing.

    The undoing in this case could be a good relationship if the vanity isn’t held in check.

  19. 39

    I’m wondering how this convo started…was she asking to be compared to celebs and upset when he gave his honest opinion, or did he blurt out that AJ is hot, and beautiful while she is pretty and good looking? I mean it sounds like it’s more the former..I don’t understand asking for an opinion then getting mad because it’s not what you want to hear. anything like that or “do I look fat in these jeans” isn’t a good place to go with men lol.

    From a linguistic perspective, true “pretty” isn’t as strong as beautiful but I’ve seen men use it interchangeably. I don’t think they give much thought to the compliments as we women. I’ve had the same guys call me “cute” then also “beautfiul”. I already feel attractive so it’s nice to hear. I just take them as compliments on my looks and don’t feel less attractive just because he called me “cute” or “pretty” instead of “gorgeous” or “beautiful”. I just say thank you to it all. Besides physical attraction isn’t all that matters to guys …so if he finds a movie celeb more physically attractive big deal. I find a number of male movie celebs more physically attractive than guys i’ve dated..

  20. 40

    Surely all a man (or woman for that matter) has to say in any situation like this is: “You may not be a movie star but you are beautiful/handsome to me” – no lies, end of discussion and everyone is happy.

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