I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 211

    I think that this is a touchy subject for most people. IMO, there really is no such thing as THE most beautiful/ smart woman or man because people are too varied and unique to always compare. That said, I think her boyfriend took this response too literally. I think if a woman is asking this type of question she is looking more for validation of being beautiful. She in all honesty knows she has competition, but you want to know that your partner places you in mind, body and spirit high on his totem pole. Men don’t really ask this beauty type of question about themselves to their partners but if say, your man asked if he were the best lover in bed you have had, would you flat out say ” Honestly no Ive had better but your not bad,” or would you try to reword your statement to say ” sex isn’t everything its the whole package that makes me love you.”

  2. 212
    Olivia K.

    I don’t know anything about the background of your relationship, Diana, but I’m wondering if your boyfriend is the jealous/insecure type. It’s not uncommon for insecure men to deliberately withhold compliments from their girlfriends in fear that it will go to  their lady’s head and cause their gf to seek a “better” man. If you’re pretty secure with your looks but still felt the need to ask your man something like that, than obviously you’re wondering how he feels about your looks or if he’s attracted to you. Does he tell you you’re beautiful or otherwise let you know how attracted he is to you consistently? I can’t say for sure of course, but if not, there’s a chance he’s just being an insecure little prick and trying to make you question your own attractiveness. This same thing is happening to me. Pretty much my whole life, people have made kind of a big deal about my looks and I’m used to turning heads and being called “beautiful”. By realistic standards, my boyfriend isn’t what most people would consider Brad Pitt or whatever. But to me, he looks as good as anyone could ever look and I’m very, very attracted to him and he looks perfect to me no matter what. Literally. So that’s where my confusion comes in.  I always look my best for him, but when I meet up with him, he never says a thing about the way I look. I’ve noticed that it actually seems like he’s deliberately holding back from commenting. And when he does compliment me, which is seldom, it’s very bland and dispassionate, as if he’s forcing himself to. On my birthday, I wore a beautiful dress and got all dolled up and the only thing he said, was halfway through dinner when he said “Your dress is pretty.” Really?! Just the dress?? I totally feel your pain and frustration. When you’re in love with someone, you’re in love with every aspect of them, and the love you feel for them shines through their looks and you get those rose-colored glasses that make you think that they’re the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, even if on a conscious level you know it’s not exactly the truth. But you really believe it. That’s why it’s so frustrating because you think this about your man, and you also know how attractive you are, and when your boyfriend makes you feel like you’re not good enough for him, than it makes you fell that you’re not good enough, which spawns resentment. I don’t care if other people call me shallow for this either, but I’ve decided this is a big enough deal for me to consider whether I really want to be with my man or not. I’ve realized he’s not all that I’ve cracked him up to be. Why? I want him to feel loved and attractive and for him to know that no one compares to him in my eyes, because I love him. If he doesn’t want me to know, or care that I feel the same way I make him feel, than he probably doesn’t love me as much as I love him. It’s very selfish and hurtful and I’d never do that to him. I’ve had guys that really seem to think I’m the most beautiful girl on the planet and I know that I can have that again, and for everything I’m willing to do for my men, I deserve it. 
    ps. in the future, never compare yourself  to other women privately, or out loud, but especially not to your boyfriend. Don’t set yourself up to feel badly, and don’t let him know how insecure you are about your looks. If he sees you comparing yourself, it just makes it okay for him to compare you to other women as well.

  3. 213

    It doesn’t have to mean that the woman is insecure but every woman needs some kind of verbal reinforcement from her partner. So people should so sensitivity without being false. At the same time, I don’t think you should ask a question when you don’t want to hear the honest answer. I don’t believe women should play emotional games with men and try to make them act in a certain way as opposed to being more direct.

    I want not feel upset if a boyfriend told me Angelina Jolie is hot. I might say “Hey I think she’s pretty hot too” but it depends on when it’s said. 

  4. 214

    So, my boyfriend apparently doesn’t think I’m the most beautiful thing ever either…  lol.  In fact, he says his ex-wife could do porn because she’s so attractive, but since she cheated on him etc… he’s learned that there’s more to love than looks.  While I applaud that attitude that he shared with me when we first started our relationship – OUCH for me!!!  And what is weird is that I’ve seen his ex-wife in person and she’s got a huge honker, a really bad crater face and a body like a teen boy…. LOL…  Anyways, I could care less.  I’ve never asked him to tell me how beautiful I am or asked him if he thinks I’m beautiful.  I KNOW I’m beautiful to myself and that’s all that matters.  Would it be great if I had a boyfriend who told me how beautiful I am? – probably couldn’t hurt but I don’t need that validation.  He isn’t Brad Pitt either…  The thing that is most important to both of us is that we love each other deeply, we are sexually attracted to each other, we appreciate it others’ attributes and qualities, we have a great sex life, we are 1000% compatible and committed to each other forever and that we are HAPPY TOGETHER.  We haven’t been together a year yet, but we live together and are old enough to have chosen each other with clear headed experienced adult minds.  Our love for each other is still deepening and growing.  No one forced this relationship on the other, we have let it take its own course naturally.  There’s nothing like having a relationship where both people are secure in themselves and where both people are able to choose a significant other with good character traits and the right “mix” of characteristics…  Beauty grows out of a secure love.  I can objectively say that neither my boyfriend nor I are the most beautiful people in the world – but my love of him makes him the most beautiful man to me and I know he feels the same way about me.

  5. 215

    After reading the first couple comments, I have to say:

    Woman do want to be lied too. In fact I’m willing to bet it even extends to the male spectrum a bit as well. If everyone were blunt and truth tellers, we’d be at WW20 and everyone would probably lean towards a gay stature as it’s a common belief that women understand women and men understand men.

    A woman like amanda who says she does not want to be lied too, only affirms the fact that women, are always insecure in some shape or form. And women like amanda state statements such as those only to affirm thier own belief that they are not. Because she is insecure in that thought process that she is somehow not as “high and mighty” (in a more passive sense) to believe herself to be any other way. 

    Because if you think you are this person, that is always who your are going to be, and you cannot believe input from anyone else but yourself. And that my friends is insecurity.

    As I said it can descend into the male spectrum as well so all of this can apply to men. 

    what people really need is the ability to handle intense outside stimuli to their core inner being to truly understand themselves as a whole.

  6. 216

    Well, I’m guessing this girl is pretty hot and that’s where she gets her personal validation. Because only pretty girls go around asking people to confirm their beauty (the rest of us feel the risk of being told “no”!).
    On the other hand – I dated a guy who wouldn’t tell me I was beautiful, in the name of honesty, and it was a big fat bummer.  I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the room, probably ever. But I want the guy I date to be able to tell me I’m beautiful.

  7. 217
    Same Problem

    I have a very similar problem as the OP.

    I know I’m good-looking.  My whole life I’ve had random people walk up to me to let me know how beautiful they think I am.  Several times a year I am randomly given business cards from photographers who want me to model for them.  I used to model.  I’m an actress who’s been in some independent films.  Guys’ heads turn when I walk by, they sometimes stare with that transfixed-mouth-agape look until they realize what they’re doing or their buddy nudges them in the shoulder.  When I ask how I compare to different celebrities it’s because I’m working towards being amongst them and I want feedback.  

    I just discovered that my boyfriend of two years only thinks I’m “alright” looking.  He thinks I’m the least attractive girl in our friend group.  When I said I thought I was beautiful and even elegant, he looked at me like I was crazy and said I had a very high opinion of myself.  He’s also indicated that I’m crazy to compare myself to celebrities, “we’re just average people, of course they’re super hot and you’re not.”  He genuinely thinks I’m not that great looking.  He sees it as a good thing that he loves me despite the fact that he only thinks I’m average-looking at best.  In general it’s a good thing because who I am is more important than I look and looks only fade with time, but it’s still very upsetting because I am very good looking.
    I’m glad that he’s stopped lying to me and was finally honest about what he thinks.  This whole time he’s just been skirting the issue whenever my looks came up by giving me a white lie and then offering me little tips and advise to make myself look good (like – maybe you should ask Friend X for advise on how to put your best foot forward…).  I’ve noticed my confidence in my looks slowly deteriorating over the course of our relationship as a result of his well-placed and subtle comments.  I’m not the best at picking up on subtlety so I was unaware of what it was that was having this deleterious effect.  

    If he had let me know from the beginning how he actually viewed me it would have saved me a lot of turmoil that has resulted from his decision to tell me the truth after two years of “white” lies.  (As an aside, white lies should always just be called “lies.”)

    I’m not sure now if I can trust him.  I think if I had a history of being unattractive I would have recognized his lies sooner.

    I’m also not sure if I want to be with someone who thinks he’s settling on someone less attractive.  I feel like my looks are being wasted. I love him but I can’t stop thinking about how unattractive he thinks I am and how much more attracted he is to other girls in our group than he is to me.  This leads me down the road of dangerous logic: if he’s just settling on me then he clearly just doesn’t think he could get anyone better, he wasn’t able to get the other girls he thinks are more attractive.  I realize I sound a little crazy.  I don’t know why this hurts me so much and makes me so angry.  I’m at a loss.  

    I don’t want the guy I’m with to lie to me, I just want him to find me more attractive than most other people – when I’m in love, I become less attracted to everyone except the person I’m in love with.  I’ve done research and this phenomena is supposed to occur in males as well.  Everything except this suggests that he’s truly in love with me.

    I don’t think this is a reflection of “insecurity” about my looks, as Evan suggests.  I also don’t think the solution would be for my boyfriend to continue lying to me – as has also been suggested.  I think some of the other responders might be right, maybe it does come down to a female psychological need.  But knowing this doesn’t provide me with any idea how I should proceed.  I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life with him knowing that 1) he thinks I’m uglier than all the other people we’re around on a regular basis, and 2) he thinks I’m uglier than the majority of other people on the planet do.

    1. 217.1


      I find your story very moving. The way you tell it, I mean.

      Here are a few thoughts of mine. You are looking for an answer on the outside “how should I proceed? I am at a loss.” , but the only answer you can find is within! YOU have to know what is the most important to you. In other words, make a choice. “Do I want what I want ? But what does it say about me?” To me, this is what you are actually wondering. You are right in your perception of  your boyfriend: he is indeed not finding you attractive enough FOR YOU! He does not want to give you this feeling of being “above” the others (when he says “you have such a high opinion of yourself!”, to me this means that he resents the fact that you have a good feeling about your appearance, that for some very personal reason to him, it is unacceptable; and what you are describing about feeling lower and lower self esteem in the looks department could be that probably subconsciously , he’s trying to put you into (what he thinks is) your place..)


  8. 218

    Heres an idea. you could dump him and find someone who isn’t a jerk?

  9. 219

    I don’t know how old this post is, but I’d like to add a couple things in. Men keep saying they don’t understand why women want men to lie to them, he was honest, respect his honesty, etc. Logically, yes, that’s true. But emotion is not logical. I don’t want a man to lie to me, but , I am about to turn 40, so, no matter what younger women will say I have to admit it: When I have PMS I am the most insecure woman on the planet…or at least in the room. There are times when a woman needs a bit of reassurance. The OP asked for it in a kind of immature way. I would like a man to understand that for about 3 days out of the month, a little extra affection or attention goes a long way. The rest of the month, I feel great, sexy, wonderful, but for those few days, I feel fat, ugly, unloveable. Also, I’d like to point out to Evan that I, too, have been in love with a guy who was by no means the most attractive I’ve ever seen, but when I was in love with him, he was to me. I can’t explain it, but his giant ears were adorable. Once we split up, of course, I thought WTF??And I’d also like to point out that not all women find Brad Pitt attractive (me, for one), and not all men find Angelina Jolie attractive.
    To #229, your letter doesn’t sound like it’s about needing reassurance, this guy is chipping away at your self-esteem. Dump him, fast, because he is toxic. Having a good opinion of yourself is great and healthy, having a man give you tips to improve your looks? No. I was with a guy who constantly reminded me that he could do so much better. I felt so awful and ugly by the time I left him that I needed years of counseling. (It escalated from the emotional abuse, but that’s where you are right now.)

  10. 220

    I think some people are just better at seeing “beauty” than others. There are some people who can only see beauty in terms of superficial looks, and these are the people who tend to use the 1-10 scale. And there are people for whom beauty is more subjective – the person who cares about them, cheers them up when they are feeling down, listens to them talk about their concerns and worries – and, at the end of the day, is there for them – is the person who they find much more “beautiful” than Angelina Jolie. I think my partner is the most beautiful person in the world, much more beautiful than any celebrity.

  11. 221

    Hi Evan,

    I agree with you.

    Although its a hard reality to accept, we are not perfect.  Not even people who are incredibly beautiful, smart and have everything else in life. There will always be someone who is better (or worst) than you in some way, thats reality.

    I think its human nature to compare ourselves and want to be the best girl in the world, but its also childish.  As adults we must realize that comparing ourselves to others isn’t always useful.  It’ll only make you feel bad about yourself because if you are an average person there are a lot of people who will score higher in looks, money, and intelligence.  Even for the people who are above average, there are still plenty of people who beat them.  

    Most people know they aren’t perfect but they expect their boyfriends to make them feel perfect by thinking they are. That way we can feel a bit better about ourselves.  And then when they don’t, the girl freaks out.  Which is silly.  But i think this all stems from insecurity and the desire to be one of the ‘best’.  Or in the top percentile for every good quality one can possess, which is highly unlikely for most of us.

    So my suggestion is that we stop comparing ourselves and that we stop bringing our boyfriends into it.  There is no rule that says: you must be the most beautiful, smartest women around to have happy relationships and a fulfilled life.  And there is no rule that says your boyfriend only really loves you if he thinks you are the most beautiful, smartest around.  If that was the case, the wide majority of us wouldn’t have boyfriends.  Flawless beauty is just like a fancy car or tons of extra money, its nice to have but its not necessary for a happy relationship or a happy life.

    I hope this perspective helps you understand more fully what Evan was trying to say (if i understood it correctly).  Try to accept that you are a flawed human being, there are people who are better in some ways than you and there are people who are worst in some ways than you, and thats absolutely ok you can still find happiness, just stop comparing.  And for christ sakes don’t get your boyfriend to compare you either and force him to lie, thats even worst.  I think it’s much better to be honest.

  12. 222

    I’d like to add one more thing.  It’s one thing, asking your boyfriend an unfair question like “you think i’m hotter than Angelina Jolie right?” and expecting him to say yes just so you feel a little better about yourself. And its a whole other story with “same problem” who essentially stated that she is confident with the way she looks and then her boyfriend puts her down and gives her reasons why she shouldnt be. a) you are the least hottest of your friends b) I dont really find you that attractive. Okay he is being honest but his honesty is only causing pain in this instance and was totally uncalled for.  And then he states that he’s so proud of himself to go out with someone who looks like her and only care about he personality.  I think its important to be comfortable wherever your fall on the looks scale (whether you are 1 or a 10) but the guy you are with shouldn’t be trying to make you feel LESS comfortable, thats messed up.  In Diana’s example her boyfriend at least still says “i like you and find you good looking and attractive” so its not like he’s trying to make her feel bad about herself, he’s just being honest. This other guy is like “I dont know why you have such a high opinion of yourself”  now thats messed up, why shouldn’t she feel happy with where she is on the looks scale?  I just wanted to point this out because in my opinion thats the difference between when its a deal breaker and when its not.

  13. 223

    Just had to say, definitely agreeing with Amanda and Heather on this one. Nobody wants to feel second choice, and if a person is going say his woman is beneath somebody else, then he ought to be coy. Women are practically programmed by society to value their own beauty and that men do, too. It’s this oh-so huge and important thing and it IS very threatening to have it degraded (as in, down from grade A to grade B, which is “good” but still a downgrade) by the man who should value it the most.

  14. 224

    Okay, honestly, I think this is all bs. I kind of think Evan is wrong in a way by automatically assuming that a guy can’t think that the girl he loves isn’t perfect and more beautiful than any other woman  without it being a lie. My husband always tells me that I’m beautiful and that he feels that I’m a perfect 10 without me even asking him. He honestly does feel that I’m more beautiful than any celebrity in his eyes, and I don’t even bring it up. Sure, he finds other women to be attractive as well, but in his eyes, I still top all of them.

    Hell, even his friends, family, and coworkers tell me that he always talks about how perfect he thinks I am and that he gushes about me often. He even shows off pictures from our wedding day and from dates to people a whole lot whenever given the chance. Are you saying that he’s not only lying to me, but all of those people as well? I don’t think you can speak for every guy out there.

    I can kind of see how the OP would feel hurt if her boyfriend only called her pretty and not beautiful, too. Beautiful is a much more meaningful compliment in my opinion, because beautiful doesn’t just describe physical appearance, but everything about a person as a whole, including their personality, mind, and heart. Pretty is just restricted to appearance, and nothing more. It doesn’t have much substance to it, if that makes any sense. 

    Is it really wrong for her to want to be seen that way by someone she loves or has feelings for? I don’t think it is. 

    Then again, what do I know? My husband and I have very romantic personalities, and to some people, maybe we overly romanticize one another, but it’s not like the things we do for one another and say to each other are not an expression of our true feelings. We mean every bit of it, and we each put the other’s happiness above our own.

    To me, the OPs boyfriend isn’t really considerate of how his girlfriend would feel by answering the way he did. He really could have at least been more gentle about the way he answered. And really, I hate the “just being honest” excuse. You can be honest without sounding like a complete jackass. Just saying.

  15. 225
    Karl R

    Desirae said: (#236)
    “Hell, even his friends, family, and coworkers tell me that he always talks about how perfect he thinks I am and that he gushes about me often.”

    It sounds like he’s affected by limerance (a state of perpetual infatuation). It’s uncommon. It can be an asset when it occurs inside of a marriage. It can be horrible if it happens when the other person is not interested in the person with limerance.

    Your husband is not representative of the population in general. He’s an exception to the rule.

    Desirae said: (#236)
    “Beautiful is a much more meaningful compliment in my opinion, because beautiful doesn’t just describe physical appearance, but everything about a person as a whole, including their personality, mind, and heart.”

    Thank you for sharing your definition of beautiful.

    When my wife describes something as “beautiful”, she’s frequently refering to things which don’t have personalities, minds or hearts (a sunset, a dress, a bird…)

    If you decide to change the connotation behind a word, it’s unwise to assume that everyone else has decided to spontaneously adopt the same connotation.

    Desirae said: (#236)
    “Is it really wrong for her to want to be seen that way by someone she loves or has feelings for? I don’t think it is.”

    Frustration occurs when your expectations exceed realtiy. If Diana’s expectations can only be met by rare individuals (like your husband) who have limerance, then she’s going to face disappointment after disappointment in her relationships.

  16. 226

    Thumbs up Vanna @ 226.
    I’m fully aware that my boyfriend has the hots for certain celebrities.  I might even sincerely congratulate him if he had the chance to score with, say, Christina Applegate or Scarlett Johansson- because that would be a serious accomplishment, and my bet is that he’d get struck by lightning or win the lottery first.

    Thing is?  I have my “would-do” list, too, and he knows it.  And we joke about it.  I understand where others may not agree, but I simply don’t consider this subject to be a shady, oblique criticism of the other person or relationship.

    As far as the author of the letter– nevermind if he does or doesn’t think you’re the hottest thing on two legs.  Will he still want you even after seeing you when you’ve just rolled out of bed, gained a couple of pounds, or otherwise look like frazzled shit?  Yes?  Then what’s the worry?   Is Angelina Jolie your sister? (kidding)

    1. 226.1


  17. 227

    Okay, first of all Diana never mentions anything about her ASKING her boyfriend for his opinion. Second of all, I think you’re all forgetting beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Therefore Angelina being the hottest woman is an OPINION and NOT a FACT, so it is very possible for him to have told her she was the most beautiful woman in his eyes without it being a lie. Afterall, usually when a person really truly loves a someone, they are the most attractive person inside and out in his or her eyes so I don’t know why everyone is bashing on her. There’s nothing wrong with her feeling the way she does, wanting to be the most desireable one to a man I’m assuming she loves. Personally I would be beyond upset if my man was comparing me to other woman, celebrities or not. Lovers are supposed to make you feel wonderful and good about yourself, not create insecurities like he has clearly done to her. If your man doesn’t see you as the most desireable woman in the world, then you should probably find a new one who will. 🙂

  18. 228

    I agree with those who said beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When I am in love with someone that person is the most beautiful person in the whole world to me and I don’t care what everyone else thinks. If he is not, why would I be with him? Similarly, I don’t care if everyone thinks I am ugly but I want to be with a man who feels that I am the most beautiful woman to him. I don’t need others to validate me, nor do I care what they think. All I want is to feel that the person I love has chosen me, NOT settled for me.
    I know most guys don’t place much importance on their own looks especially if they are “average” looking but how would an average size man feel if his girlfriend said “you know, you are ok, but don’t even compare your unit to porn stars”? or “I have been with better lovers than you”…
    I have a habit of thinking Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? before I say anything… In this case, I feel that telling his girlfriend “the truth” was NOT kind nor necessary… There are so many ways to be diplomatic without insulting anyone and without verbal abuse. She was insulted, and thus it was verbal abuse IMHO

  19. 229

    I may be coming in late on this, but it sure was a lively discussion! In my case, I used to be hot stuff – when I was skinny and insecure. Now I’m fatter, gravity is starting to take its inevitable toll, and I know that my enthusiasm and appreciation for men goes a lot further than my previous bids for assurance.
    The joke’s on me, though – my lover really IS the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, and is frequently mistaken for Mr. Clooney. I wouldn’t bother asking him a question like that – its irrelevant. He thinks I’m very pretty, and I have moments (when the lighting is right) that I’m drop-dead gorgeous. Better than that? I know what turns him on, on all cylinders, not just sexually. And, we talk, and are unfailingly polite to each other.
    I never thought George Clooney was all that, anyway. 😉

  20. 230

    Jessica Alba is way hotter than Angelina Jolie, she is starting to look old to me.
    Back to the main point.  
    What is this chick’s poor bf supposed to do?  Does she really want a relationship built on lies?  It seems many women do.  Why can’t he just say I’m the most beautiful woman in the world?  Why can’t he just say he loves me?  Why can’t he just pretend he wants something permanent?  So accustomed to having everything to her liking that  anything which is not, is completely unacceptable, even if it only exists in someone else’s mind.
    And if he continually concedes to her “crisis du jour” she will decide he is weak and uninteresting.

  21. 231

    “I asked Blake, ‘Dude, why didn’t you tell me I got fat?’ He said, ‘It’s not my job to tell you you’re fat. It’s my job to tell you you’re beautiful.” -Miranda Lambert (re: Blake Shelton)

  22. 232

    Awesome reply!!’ Idiotic question!

  23. 233

    It sounds like this girl simply has a much higher opinion of herself than what she warrants. She actually thinks she’s in the ” same league as celebrities”?!? Uh, yeah, not likely, unless you’re a celebrity too. Chances are, she’s slightly above average and thinks she’s gods gift to men. Her bf probably thinks her inflated ego is a turnoff (and who wouldn’t??) and doesn’t want to make her already giant head any bigger. Don’t blame him. She sounds extremely superficial and full to the brim of herself. My guess is that physically, she’s nothing to look twice at, but feels like telling people and herself constantly that she’s as hot as Angelina Jolie makes it true. 

  24. 234

    I don’t know.  I am not saying the OP should dump him but the men I know in my life say their gf’s are “hot” even if they have girl next door looks. I have a man who says I am “hot” now…I am 46…probably a 7.5? and he says it all the time.  I know of another man who has a tall gf…she’s very cute but not “hot” to me but he calls her hot.
    There is a need, I think, to be seen as “hot” by the one you are closest to, sexually attracted to.  I would say the one I am attracted to is “hot” even though he is relatively short and not perfect looking.
    I wonder if this bf is threatened by her higher than average looks and feels a need to take her down a notch. Something is telling me that is it.  I’d look into that because it’s not very nice or secure of him, if that is the case.

  25. 235

    I read this post and couldn’t help but to share how I feel about this case.
    I’m sorry Evan, but based on your answers, I doubt that you are the most competent person to assess this issue. Not that you haven’t made some good points or that some of your answers aren’t relevant. 
     First of all I consider my self to be very beautiful, and I definitely consider myself to be more beautiful than 99% of Hollywood celebrities. I constantly get hit on by guys and told that I am a natural beauty. I have never suffered from low self esteem.  
    In a past relationship I actually encouraged the guy to tell witch famous women he thought were hot, and it didn’t bother me at all. This guy would never had mentioned if i hadn’t brought it up, and at first he didn’t really want to answer me. He just told said: you’re hot in this careless way. Like it just didn’t matter to him. I never told him who I considered hot. I asked him how he would feel if I said that i guy was hot, and he wouldn’t appreciate it. So I never said anything. But I probably wouldn’t have said anything anyways cause it just doesn’t matter to me. Of course I can tell if a guys appearance is to my liking or not, but I don’t give it any thought other than the subconscious one. 
    Then I meet this new guy who I am head over heels for. One day we are watching this movie with Jessica Alba in it, and he just burst out: OMG SHE IS SO FUCKING HOT!! Immediately I felt this agonizing pain in my chest, and the only thing that kept me from crying, screaming and making a huge scene, was the fact that I thought, that it was embarrassing to admit to him that it upset me. Since then I haven’t been able to let the thought of if go. I keep thinking about the fact that he finds her very attractive. Whats worse is if he thinks she is hotter than me. It just made me feel that there was always this other woman in the back of his mind. The worst part is that I started to doubt my looks. I and began looking at pictures of her for comparison, not because I all the sudden didn’t like the way I looked, but because I no longer felt like his fantasy woman or his dream partner. 
    I think that how you feel about the person who makes the comments is very significant. Stuff like that has never bothered me before. But this time it really upset me. He is the first guy that I’ve really felt in love with. In the past I’ve been told by a friend who wasn’t even interested in me that I was way prettier than her, and two other guys agreed. I never gave this much thought until my boyfriend called her hot. All the sudden it felt kind of good thinking about it, but it definitely didn’t ease my mind. What mattered to me was the opinion of the man I loved. 
    Two more times he made some comments that upset me and I decided to tell him that it really hurt my feelings when he talked about how hot some celebrities are. When i had expressed how much it bothered me, he told me that he thought that I was being very silly, witch seems to be most mens response to this issue. He definitely couldn’t understand how that could upset me, when he didn’t care at all about me telling him if I thought a guy on TV was hot. I asked him how he would feel if it was a guy in the street that I called hot instead? His answer was: Then Ill kill you!! To me it doesn’t really make a difference. But to him it clearly does. I get the fact that there is almost 0% risk of me cheating with a movie star, and that a guy who is walking down the same street as I represent a greater risk. This is one thing that shows how two people who seemingly have the same problem. That they are both jealous. But since they are two completely different people, their jalousie, of course is expressed in different ways. My boyfriend definitely don’t like it when i writing my male friends on the internet, and therefore I of course don’t. He doesn’t want me to go partying with friends, so I don’t. He would probably fall over backwards if I told him that I would spend the night at my best friends house and that we would share a bed. I tend to click better with guys and therefore most of my friends are male. I don’t want him to feel jealous, and I understand that he doesn’t like the thought of me being alone with them. Instead I’ve numerous times tried bringing my friends in to our shared home in hopes of them making friends with my boyfriend. Just their presence made him jealous to. 
    I on the other hand let him write his female friends, he can go partying all that he wants without me. Once when I was hospitalized his female friend spend the weekend at his place, and they slept in the same bed. I’ve met all his friends and most of them I kind of perceive as my friends to. None of this makes me feel even the slightest bit of jalousie.
    I think that it is very important to consider the different ways people get jealous. Not only from person to person, but maybe also gender vise. Lets face it. Men just don’t care as much about how good looking they are as women do. This is extremely important to consider when discussing something like this. It is in no way an uncommon problem for girls to get hurt by their boyfriends comments on other women. If you search the internet you will find a ton of discussion boards where women seek help because of the way their boyfriends comments affect them. Very often these women also feel ashamed of these feelings and think of them as being not normal. I think that I is important to make people aware of that these feelings are completely normal, and that it is ok to feel this way, even though they can seem childish or silly to some people. Whatever you cant change how you feel.
    That being said I would in no way prefer that my boyfriend lied to me and called me the most beautiful or whatever just to make me happy. I think that the best and easiest solution to this problem is to just not mentioning ones attractions. No one can change their perceptions of who is beautiful to them, but by not drawing attention to it, it will seem like it just doesn’t matter to you, and will give your partner a sense of security, and the feeling of having you all to herself.

  26. 236

    I forgot to mention that I consider my boyfriend the hottest guy in the world.  

  27. 237

    Well, i just want to say that the other day, my boyfriend and i were talking about people that we thought were hot in our grade (i’m a junior in high school) We’ve been going out for nearly a year now and i really like him. I’ve never had high self esteem, so when i asked who his #1 hottie was, I honestly wasn’t expecting it to be me. And, of course, it wasnt. But then he told me that i was his #6, so I had to know who was ahead of me. I go to a relatively small school (50 girls in my grade) so I wasn’t even in the top 10%! 
    My boyfriend has always told me that I look better without makeup and he loves natural looks, but all six people ahead of me are total fakes who wear 10lbs of makeup every day and dye their hair every other month! After I told him a few days later how upset it made me, he couldn’t understand why. Then he tried to justify himself by saying that he was only judging them based on their bodies. Gee, thanks… nice to know you think my body is ugly… 
    I let it go after a few days, but i still can’t get the thought out of my head that he would rather be looking at someone else than at me. I would just like to say again, I didn’t expect to be his #1, or even #2. I don’t view myself as that pretty. But I certainly didn’t think I would end up as #6.

  28. 238

    she wasnt asking to be compared to Angelina Jolie, she was asking if she is just as beautiful as some celebrities…. which im sure she is. Not every celebrity is Angelina. 
    I also dont think your point about infactuation is true. You shouldnt settle unless you feel a lot of attraction and connection for someone. Whats the point in being with someone yoyre not really into? just to fill a void? 
    people may percieve celebs to be more attractive but I know plenty of women who are more beautiful than a lot of celebs… idk how people wouldnt see it either.

  29. 239

    Hate to break it to you, but some real life women and men are actually, more attractive than celebrities, they just didn’t have the desire, connections or chances to make it big in Hollywood. My boyfriend is a dead ringer for Wentworth Miller (think Prison Break) is he the best looking man I’ve ever seen close up in real life? Heck yes! Do i tell him all the time? You bet! Do most women find him attractive. Of course. but there is the odd one here and there who don’t find him as good looking as I do. They have  a specific type. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder and it is stupid to think otherwise. My boyfriend for instance, thinks Angelina Jolie looks like an malnourished Heroin addict…why? he likes women with ass! Put her and I next to each other and I win.  He thinks I’m more attractive than most of the popular “celebs’ out there, since I actually have real boobs and curves and ass unlike so many celebs (except for J.Lo and Kim K., ass not as big as theirs). fact is not everyone is starstruck by celebrities and not everyone ends up with someone they see as “suitable”. and some men and women actually do think their partners are God’s gift.

  30. 240

    i think some people are  getting the point confused. You can be in a relationship and your wife or husband does truly think you are the most beautiful women ever and they don’t need or want to sleep with anyone else this is true and can happen. I have this my boyfriend does think I’m the most beautiful woman to him and i think he is the most handsome to me. I do however think there are lots of handsome men and he thinks lots of women our beautiful too, but to each other we are best in each others eyes over all the beautiful people out there because we love each other and we love the whole package. I don’t want or need to sleep with any other men and he doesn’t need or want to sleep with another woman we are happy and we know there are lots of beautiful people out there and that’s fine 🙂

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