I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 241
    Karl R

    laci said: (#252)
    “You can be in a relationship and your wife or husband does truly think you are the most beautiful women ever and they don’t need or want to sleep with anyone else this is true and can happen.”
    “to each other we are best in each others eyes over all the beautiful people out there because we love each other and we love the whole package.”
    It’s wonderful that you have that with your boyfriend. But it’s not a requirement for a great relationship.
    I think my wife is beautiful. Since I love her, I find her more beautiful now than I did when she was just an acquaintance. I don’t need or want to sleep with anyone else.
    But I don’t think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. She doesn’t think that I’m the most handsome man in the world. If either one of us held out for that, we’d still be single.
    You and your boyfriend are fortunate. For most of the rest of us, that’s not going to be our experience in the real world. Fortunately for the rest of us, we can have terrific marriages even when we don’t think our spouse is the most beautiful man/woman in the world.

  2. 242

    I put this in the genral category of not right or wrong, just what you want out of life.  I tell my wife all the time she is the most beautiful woman in the world TO ME.  She likes hearing it.  I like saying it.  Works for us.  I am sure she chose me in part because I like saying it.
    Some other guy wouldn’t enjoy saying it.  He wouldn’t be wrong.  He just wouldn’t be a good fit for my wife.  Should my wife have compromised on this “factor” and chosen a guy who was better looking or made more money but wouldn’t compliment her as often or as enthusiastically?  Who can say?
    Evan often tells women to carefully choose which characteristics are non-negotiable, and which should be subject to “trade” for other qualities.  The OP needs to decide whether she wants the kinda guy who feels comfortable “lying” to her about her looks, or whether she wants to expand her pool to include guys who are less “tactful” but have more to offer in other areas.

  3. 243

    Agree with Karl.  It’s obvious that there are better looking people out there but when I love someone it doesn’t matter.  Even when I see how imperfect they are or just “ok”.  If I love them I am turned on by them and don’t need (nor want) anything else. 
    If this wasn’t the case we’d all be screwed out of loving relationships if we couldn’t love, and truly enjoy and be fulfilled by imperfect looking mates.

  4. 244

    Yes i agree but im talking about the ‘whole’ package not just looks i think i forgot to point that out, if i didn’t love my boyfriend then no he isn’t the most attractive person to me beauty isn’t just looks for me its the personality too that is why I think there is a lot of misunderstanding in this chat, some seem to be only talking about looks and others are talking about the’ whole package ‘. Also like Karl said its great you have this, I understand that some people don’t have what I have and etc tons of different relationships out there.

  5. 245

    I also agree with you 100 percent Yogagirl no one is perfect but everyone fits someone no matter what with all the imperfections etc someone out there will love you for you and all your imperfections.

  6. 246

    When I’m in love with someone, even though I recognise that he’s not the best looking man in the world, I feel wildly attracted to him and he is all I want and need.
    I don’t require of my mate that they be the best looking man in the world. I don’t even require that they are the best looking man that I know.  For me, feelings of love trump that by far and make me not want anyone else.  Actually, it would be rare that I could even imagine love with an out of the ordinarily good looking person.  I have always been more attracted to people who are “normal” looking, to people who have quirks that I find attractive.
    I always think that if I am that way, there must be plenty of guys who are that way as well, who don’t require supermodels and who are capable of finding their woman’s quirks endearing and feeling overwhelming attraction to them because they love them. This is also the kind of man I would like to be with. This has greatly reduced any insecurity I might have felt regarding other beautiful women.
    If incredible beauty was required, or even wanted, in order to be in love, most of us would be screwed.

  7. 247

    What an odd question. I thought it was from a highschooler, though I’ve no clue if I’m right or not.  I think Even here was right on the mark with his response. Celebrities in general are in a league all their own, and to be quite honest, I can’t imagine the OP being as hot as even some porn stars. But they are paid to be glamorous and those who doctor up their videos and pictures are also paid handsomely to make sure these stars look just as bright as the real thing. Trying to compare yourself to any celebrity (this goes for everyone, actually) is about as ridiculous as a pony comparing itself to a thoroughbred. Different breed. Also very irrelevant. Unless your boyfriend is required to choose between being with you and being with Winona Ryder, there is no reason to compare yourself to stars, or compare him to them either. Also, that catty ‘you-insult-me-i-insult-you’ deal is so incredibly childish. If I were the guy I would have left her on that alone. Where is the interest in the relationship? Obviously the OP’s feelings for herself far outweigh her love of the man or the relationship. Otherwise, conflict RESOLUTION would be her priority. But that sort of thing comes with age. Cattiness is for children.

  8. 248

    Evan, I couldn’t help but finding your post severely depressing.
    What bothers me most is the ‘good enough’ mentality you describe as ‘maturity’.
    Of course any long-term relationship will have to withstand intense outside stimuli, and it’s all about HOW you remain true and faithful to your partner: just saying “the hottest women out there are out of my league so I better settle” is SO depressing. Why not change your attitude and take a more pro-active position like “the world is crowded with pretty faces, I want a REAL woman etc.” That would sound more like a man who has a good self-esteem and healthy pride towards himself, his partner and his relationship.
    It’s all about ATTITUDE, a man who has the ‘good enough’ attitude, in life and in love (since your love life is inevitably a mirror of your life choices) is highly uninspiring. The most common road to mediocrity is being realistic.

  9. 249
    Karl R

    Clare asked: (#260)
    “Why not change your attitude and take a more pro-active position like […]”
    In general, I’m happy to recommend that people change their attitude toward dating. However, there is one huge problem with your suggestion. Diana can change her attitude, not her boyfriend’s attitude. If Diana’s boyfriend had written, your advice would be much more relevant.
    Clare said: (#260)
    “just saying ‘the hottest women out there are out of my league so I better settle’ is SO depressing.”
    Even if the hottest women in the world were in my league, I’d still have to settle. You can choose to find that depressing, but it’s the reality of dating. There are no perfect people out there. You’re going to have to compromise on something. I’ve decided that “hottest” is one of the traits I’m willing to compromise on.
    Furthermore, if acknowledging reality depresses you, there’s an easy solution to that problem. Change your attitude toward the situation.
    Clare asked: (#260)
    “Why not change your attitude and take a more pro-active position like ‘the world is crowded with pretty faces, I want a REAL woman etc.'”
    It’s not true. 1) The world’s not that crowded with pretty faces. 2) The women with pretty faces are also real women.
    If I tell two lies in the same sentence, they don’t cancel each other out. It still counts as two lies.
    Clare said: (#260)
    “The most common road to mediocrity is being realistic.”
    First, you’re quoting Will Smith. Second, you’re quoting him out of context.
    Furthermore, Will Smith also said, “You can’t be scared to die for the truth. The truth is the only thing that’s ever going to be constant.”
    Which leads us back to the point Evan made. The boyfriend isn’t going to lie just to make Diana feel better.
    Clare said: (#260)
    “It’s all about ATTITUDE, a man who has the ‘good enough’ attitude, in life and in love (since your love life is inevitably a mirror of your life choices) is highly uninspiring.”
    So, you’d prefer to have a boyfriend who decides you’re not good enough? One who dumps you and goes searching for someone better?
    There are plenty of men (and women) who have that attitude. They’re called maximizers. Go ahead and date one of them. Let us know how inspired you feel afterwards.

  10. 250

    I think I’m pretty great at being Judy.  Maybe I’m not Angelina, or Diana, or Sophia Loren but I’m the best Judy I can be.
    Sounds funny?
    How odd does it seem to be saying that I “insert your name here” want to be seen as gorgeous as Angelina.

  11. 251

    @ Karl R- I think I made it pretty clear from my first sentence that I was addressing Evan, not the OP, her boyfriend or even you, so yes, my comment is pretty relevant.
    You didn’t get my point, I said: “Of course any long-term relationship will have to withstand intense outside stimuli, and it’s all about HOW you remain true and faithful to your partner“. 
    Of course everyone is compromising, even Brad Pitt is, celebrities age and beauty is ephemeral. It’s all about how you compromise- you can choose to say “I don’t think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, but she has x, y or z” or, yes, you can have a more pro-active attitude, healthy pride and self-esteem, and say (to yourself in the first place) something like “There’s no such thing as the most beautiful woman in the world, there will always be someone younger and sexier, no matter who you are, I’m more interested in x, y and z”. That’s a completely different approach.

  12. 252
    Karl R

    Clare said: (#263)
    “I think I made it pretty clear from my first sentence that I was addressing Evan, not the OP, her boyfriend or even you, so yes, my comment is pretty relevant.”
    Evan wasn’t the one writing in and asking for advice. Nor did he ask for advice on how to give advice.
    Since Evan isn’t having problems with his relationship, how is your advice to him relevant?
    Gee, Evan, you have a terrific marriage. Here are the things you need to change.
    That’s really helpful.
    Clare said: (#263)
    “It’s all about how you compromise- you can choose to say ‘I don’t think my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, but she has x, y or z’ or, yes, you can have a more pro-active attitude, healthy pride and self-esteem, and say (to yourself in the first place) something like ‘There’s no such thing as the most beautiful woman in the world, there will always be someone younger and sexier, no matter who you are, I’m more interested in x, y and z’. That’s a completely different approach.”
    Those two statements sound like the exact same approach to me, except the second one requires a little bit of self-deception.
    Lie #1:
    “there will always be someone younger and sexier,”
    Unless you’re a pedophile, there are plenty of people who are too young to be sexy.
    Lie #2:
    “There’s no such thing as the most beautiful woman in the world”
    There is the woman that I find most beautiful in the world right now. It’s completely subjective. It’s not a permanent opinion. But the concept exists.
    Lying to yourself might be proactive, but it’s not a sign of a healthy pride and self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t require self-deception to prop it up.

  13. 253

    OMG Karl R! You DO think that there is one single most beautiful woman in the world? And this woman is not your wife? Doesn’t sound like a very auspicious situation, does it? 😉

  14. 254

    What he said was abusive.men always want to dominate others. It’s a sign of insecurity.God did not command that angelina Jolie,to be the idea of the perfect woman.Go to any where in the world and the idea of Beauty is different.So your theory
    Is foolish.

  15. 255

    Seriously, I have never understood this fascination with Angelina, there are so many celebrities that are so much prettier than her. And men might have a different opinion of celebrities if they saw them without the hair and makeup teams that take care of everything for them, as well as all the money that makes it possible for them to wear the best designer clothes and to not have to work 8 hours a day. Not to mention all the airbrushing. When a man tells his woman that she can’t compare to some random celebrity, that is roughly the equivalent of a woman telling her man that her last boyfriend had a much bigger dick than him and sex with him will never compare. It is the same sort of feeling, and she is never going to feel the same about you again.

    (The only way your comparison works is if he said, “Do I have the biggest dick you’ve ever been with and am I incomparable in bed?” If he asks a stupid question, he should expect the truth, not a lie. – EMK)

  16. 256

    One thing about this thread is baffling to me: HOW MUCH self esteem should a woman have? 
    1) if you’re prone to insecurity  and require reassurance from your lover, then you’re too insecure. Wanting compliments and sometimes fishing for them is a character flaw in these women. they should be confident in themselves and not need their boyfriends to tell them that they’re the only one they want.
    2) if you have unshakable confidence in yourself (like Diana) and believe that you’re hot stuff and can compete with the Angelina Jolies of the world, then somehow you’re “immodest” and too confident. That’s a character flaw in her somehow.   
    So how do we win? Personally, I believe I’m a good catch. I have a good job, have a comfortable apartment, don’t have any debt, I’m loving, loyal, attractive, and I have a great sense of humor. I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m great. HOWEVER, love makes people vulnerable. It makes me want to hear that I’m loved in return, that I’m desired in return, and that I’m what he wants in return. Is it illogical to expect him to want me and only me? Maybe, but then I don’t fall in love with my brain, I fall in love with my heart. I agree with some of the other posters here. When I’m in love, I don’t want to “fuck” anyone else, kiss anyone else, etc. Maybe it’s naive, but i hope that my boyfriend/husband will feel the same way about me. The crux of the issue for me is: though he might not feel the same way, if he doesn’t I don’t want to HEAR IT. Maybe that’s hiding my head in the sand, but if my boyfriend is fantasizing about fucking other women, it’s not a deal breaker but it would certainly hurt my feelings and I would consider it courteous to NOT say that to my face. 

  17. 257

    This girl does sound a little vain. But it’s kind of like saying “bless you” when someone sneezes and how it can feel laughably awkward when no one says it. Of course, applying this idea to the situation when a girl asks if she is attractive and answering genuinely but sweet, is more touchy. Maybe he could have at least said “I am not looking for an Angelina Jolie” which I assume is true. Now, when I really like someone they are physically more attractive than celebrities. My bf head-to-toe becomes a representation of a good thing. Personality matters. You see past the looks once you get a better idea of them. I thought (celebrity name withheld) was cute until I saw what I thought was an obnoxious interview. Then I found another celebrity “perfect” because of personality. It’s like striking gold (when you find them in real life).

  18. 258

    Ok. I think it’s pretty fair to say that the OP put her boyfriend in an uncomfortable position. It’s not fair to ask someone something, then get mad at the answer. You shouldn’t need constant validation from men, or anyone. However, if I felt that my boyfriend felt that way, then he wouldn’t be my boyfriend anymore. To me, that translates into “I’m settling for you. Given the choice, I would choose her over you.” I wouldn’t be mad at him, since you can’t help who you find attractive, but I wouldn’t stay in that situation. You can call that immature, or strict, or whatever you wish. I’d rather be single than with someone who thinks I’m physically subpar (or anything else subpar). That doesnt mean that I need constant validation, but yeah, I expect my boyfriend to find me to be the most beautiful. Does that limit my choices in who I can date? Absolutely. But I’m much more content in being alone than with someone who thinks I’m below average. If that’s how you feel, then you need to be comfortable with being alone in order for that to work. Trust me people, there are men (and women) who actually do think that their partners are the perfect package. My parents are two of them 🙂 (and I know countless others!) I’ve had two long term relationships, and in both, my boyfriends truly believed that I was the most beautiful woman on the planet (by the way, I find it curious how many people on this thread are speaking about beauty so objectively; I, personally,agree with another poster who said that AJ is kinda creepy looking. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!). That being said,there were other problems that made both relationships end peacefully. But neither relationship was built on lies (and I actually did feel at the time that they were the most attractive men ever :p).
    So basically, Evan, I think you’re right to an extent. OP set herself up when she asked that question and she’s obviously looking for validation. However, ladies, you don’t have to be with any man, and if not being the absolute apple in his eye is not something you’re comfortable with, then by all means, leave. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, so don’t fret. Besides, if a man is comparing you to celebrities, keep in mind the scale that he’s using; celebrities often aren’t true reflections of themselves looks wise, at least when we see them through a lens. Natural beauty is part of it, but it’s a lot of smoke and mirrors. Celebrities aren’t a separate species, they’re just people :p

    1. 258.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “To me, that translates into “I’m settling for you. Given the choice, I would choose her over you.” And that’s where you’re misguided, Hannah. There are LOTS of women – including Angelina Jolie – who are objectively more attractive than my wife. But I’m not settling for my wife. I CHOSE her above all others. Your statement doesn’t hold true unless you think the only thing a woman brings to the table is her looks. I don’t. As such, it doesn’t MATTER if there are more attractive women in the universe; I don’t think, for one second, I’d be more happily married to anyone else.

      1. 258.1.1

        Evan Marc,
        Do you think it’s possible for someone to find your wife more attractive than Angelina Jolie? Do you think it’s even possible for a women that is not a celebrity to be more attractive than a celebrity? I personally think that celebrities are not all that, I have seen pictures of them without the special lights and special effects make up, and most of them look like us, or even worse than us. For example, I go to work without make-up and I get compliments on my naturally clear skin. I have better skin than most 20 year old’s and celebrities. I had make-up artist compliment my skin, I know I look better than those fake celebrities. I might not be a size 0, but that is OK, most men are not into super skinny women, with boyish figures. And no, I am not obese. I wear a size 8, lbs 136 lbs, 36DD natural, long black hair, brown eyes. I love my body and my beautiful curves.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          “Do you think it’s possible for someone to find your wife more attractive than Angelina Jolie?” Yes, but unlikely. Angie is younger and has a certain smoldering sex appeal that my happy-go-lucky wife doesn’t emanate.

          “Do you think it’s even possible for a women that is not a celebrity to be more attractive than a celebrity?” Of course, but then again, that’s not the point. I never said all celebs are hotter than all regular people. I said that no matter who you marry, SOMEONE is going to be hotter. It’s not a crime to admit it. If you take offense at reality, you will spend a lot of time getting offended.

        2. Angiel

          That comment “there is going to be someone hotter” is an opinion. 1.  One person can find me extremely attractive, the other average, or ugly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder in my opinion. I do not find Angelina Jolie attractive. I find Ashley Graham very beautiful more than Angelina Jolie. I have seen women that are not models or celebrities that look stunning, everyday women. 

        3. tamara

          @Maria: Truly, skimming some of these comments makes me wanna bang my head against the wall.
          Why do u feel the need to compare yourselves to celebrities, and assert that u’re as pretty? It just shows that u’re insecure, esp when u go on to list all your physical characteristics seemingly for no reason. All women need to realise that yes, there ARE women–some celebrities, some not–that are more physically (classically-speaking) beautiful than u. And in 10 years there’ll be even more of such women.
          And even those classically gorgeous women u clearly envy now will have to deal with that, because they age too. Charlize Theron is more beautiful than Brigitte Bardot now, but hardly anyone ever held a candle to Bardot in her youth. And in 10 years some random fashion model will be hotter than Charlize. It’s LIFE, and some women have not learnt to deal with it. Sheesh

        4. mbrown

          At the Tamara. I agree with you we should just be content the way we are. But it becomes hard especially when we are bombarded with T.V, magazines and all sorts of advertisements making sure that women don’t feel good about themselves. I feel that the advertisers job is to make non-celebrities feel like crap, and that we have to have a specific look to be considered hot or attractive. I have always struggled with this since very young. My mother would compliment the little girls in the pageant show, and how beautiful they where with their blonde hair and blue eyes, and I am nothing like that. I have this resentment since very young, I was exposed that in order to be beautiful you must have fair skin, blue eyes and light hair and I am far from that.  The only thing I like about myself are my legs and my skin, it seems like I am aging backwards, I have better skin now at 31 than when in my 20’s and teens. Other than that I wish I would look airbrushed and wake up that way too. 

        5. tamara

          @Mbrown: You’re right that the media does give pressure to women to look good in a specific way. Personally I stopped reading beauty/fashion magazines when I was about 20 years old, and I think that helped me be more comfortable with my looks. Magazines are full of skinny tall 18 year olds–most of us don’t look like that, at least not for long. But even after I stopped reading those magazines, still I can’t help seeing these images of beautiful airbrushed women around, and it takes time and maturity to learn to be happy with yourself…
          I really think hair color and eye color has very little to do with beauty, so there’s no need for u to be upset about this. I remember seeing a poll by beauty experts voting dark-haired dark-eyed Audrey Hepburn as the most naturally beautiful woman/celebrity of all time. (btw these polls focus on celebrities, not because non-celebrities are not so beautiful, but because celebrities are the ones everyone knows). And I think Liv Tyler was 2nd, and she has black hair too…
          The bad thing about focusing too much on beauty is that women tend to start attacking other women, which I find quite sad. So many comments on these pages are criticizing Angelina’s looks. Women sometimes have a tendency to think the world is one big beauty pageant, and every other woman is a competitor. I used to think like that when I was a teenager, and it made it hard to develop close friendships with females.
          If you are pretty and, like u said, u have good legs and good skin, u’re already luckier than 80 or 90% of women, so just know that u’re blessed and appreciate it. And none of us can wake up looking airbrushed u know 🙂

      2. 258.1.2

        @TAMARA. I never said I was the most beautiful women in the world. What I meant is that beauty is an opinion not a fact. I find women that to me are prettier than me, but that too is an opionion, because someone else might think other wise. Also, just because I think that famous people are not some super human race, does not mean that I envy them. I am very realistic and know that no celebrity looks perfect without make up and special effects. Celebrities do not have something special in their DNA that automatically makes them better looking. Also age does not mean that a women is more beautiful because they are younger. Youth and thiness does not equal beauty, beauty comes in many types of physically features not just one. The media has brainwashed most people to think that celebrites are the best looking and that nobody can compete with them. Also Tamara, are you trying to say that I am not gorgeous or that I can’t be gorgegous because I am not famous???

        1. tamara

          Hi @Mbrown: No no i never said u are not gorgeous or can’t be gorgeous because u’re not famous. I am considered very pretty and am constantly complimented, and I have quite a few gorgeous girl friends who turn every head on the street, none of us are famous. Many pple don’t seek fame or even attention. Of course that doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful…
          My point is that in your comment and in many comments here, there is a comparison of yourself to celebrities and a tone of defensiveness/resentment. I see that some women here resent that celebrities are held up as some gold standard of beauty, that’s why there are many comments here defending the woman in the article. U asked “are you trying to say that I am not gorgeous or that I can’t be gorgegous because I am not famous???” I never said anything of the sort, but i think u jumped to conclusions because this is already an issue that bothers u. The truth is,, there are plain celebrities who do need makeup, and there are absolutely-breathtaking celebrities who don’t need makeup at all. Just like non-celebrities…
          I think beautiful women should just be content with being beautiful, no need for endless comparisons with others. Appreciate it while it lasts because it almost always fades with time, and don’t waste those precious years on hostility towards other beauties.

  19. 259

    I believe that everyone is different and beautiful in their on way. Everyone has the right to believe whatever they want. If she wants the type of husband that thinks she’s the most beautiful women in the world,, then she deserves that. To say she is delusional would be somewhat ignorant and closed minded. She has the right to feel special and feel the love, attention, and affection that her heart longs for. For beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I believe that just because someone is a celebrity, ….. does that really make them better people or more beautiful???  Makeup and money can make anybody look like a movie star. It would definitely be a deal breaker because when I loved an ugly man I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever known, but when he started being mean to me, I started to notice all his flaws. 

  20. 260

    What a horrible response to this question. Was that direct enough?
    There are assumptions made here that are then being bandied about as fact. Beauty is subjective and so is the idea that ‘women want passive communication and lies’. I think Angelina Jolie is bizarre looking. I think Scarlett Johansen is Gorgeous and would trade her bodies any day while my boyfriend finds her boring. Everyone has their own personal taste and to hold up some unified beauty standard as TRUTH is ridiculous.
    Did y’all know there are men out there who like chubby girls? Like, a lot? These guys would probably find their girlfriend hotter than Angelina. Or what about the myriad of other personal quirks people love like gap teeth, freckles, little feet, tiny boobs, big boobs etc etc.
    Most people are not ’10’s’ by whatever standard a person goes by and I think we all know this. But why wouldn’t you expect your partner to be attracted to you? He told her she wasn’t hot or beautiful. W.T.F? You don’t have to be a celebrity to be hot. We’ve all had sex with/dated people we found hot who weren’t celebrities. It’s ok to know you’re not a 10 and still expect that your partner thinks you are sexy, hot and beautiful in all your glorious 8-ness.
    I think she asked an question, got honesty and was upset by the truth not the fact that he gave it.

  21. 261

    To the host- I don’t think Diana asked her bf “point blank” to compare her and give her the answer she wants which to you is lying. (This is beside the point) What if Diana really is hotter than Jolie but just that she’s not a celebrity, in which case the bf is insecure and does not want to give the compliment she deserves fearing she would look for somebody hotter than him. I think Diana just wants a simple phrase like what katarina phang said..may not be the most beautiful but beautiful in his eyes. 

  22. 262
    Candace Casey

    This is all relative anyway everyone has a different idea of what beauty means for exampleI think Mariah Carrey is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen but I have a close friend who says shes a great singer but she was never pretty.I never thought Id hear a guy say that

  23. 263

    I’m a woman who most people would consider attractive, but because I was raised by great parents and have a good moral foundation I don’t put much stock into physical looks or the superficial. That being said, no matter what I look like on the outside – I had better be THE MOST beautiful person in the world to my SO – celebrity or not. My SO has his physical faults I’d imagine others would say, but to me he’s the most beautiful person in the world. Hotter than any celebrity.  If I’m not feeling that back, then I’m sure there are plenty of men who would give me that. If that’s the root of the original question, and it isn’t a silly superficial celebrity comparison, then her bf should’ve said honey sure Angelina has lots of nice physical attributes – but nothing on you:) 
    I figured a guru like you Evan would be able to take his own advice. Women communicate more subtly. Perhaps her love language is one of words and being reassured verbally.

    1. 263.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And I figure any man who dates you is going to have a hard time with your delusional worldview that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t spend one second thinking about whether I’m the hottest guy in the world to my wife. I assume that if she’s my wife, she thinks I’m attractive enough. The only reason you’d have to be more beautiful than anyone else in the world in his eyes is out of your OWN insecurity.

  24. 264
    Diana Amsterdam

    Yall are referring to the fact that she asked him a question, and then didn’t want an answer.  Where in her post does it say she asked him a question?  I don’t see that anywhere, and I read it several times.  Sounds to me like this boyfriend volunteered the information that Diana doesn’t compare to the movie star.  Now, Evan, I think you’re the best.  I also wish you would stop making your own marriage the exemplar of the Greatest Marriage Ever and your wife out to be Mrs. Ideal–why?  I had a marriage like that.  It gets very hard to live up to.  Your wife probably would like to be a little less than perfect, and it’s got to be difficult on her that you see her that way, and seem to idealize her.   And I do have to wonder why Evan needed to be so harsh on this woman.  Calling her insecure, catty, self-delusional and shallow.  Wo, hold on, there are ways to say things, and this response is just downright cutting.   You have all the power in this situation; and when you insult, and no doubt hurt, someone who comes to you for advice–well, I don’t know about the other people reading this, but it makes me shy to come to you.  

  25. 265

    Evan, as smart as you seem to think you are, you have missed the point. Diana you deserve to be someone’s number one. Both men and women, once they decide to commit and share their life (and genetics!) with another person, owe it to that person to be sure that they find them top-class in all categories. Including looks, as shallow as it may sound. BTW, Angelina is veiny, sinewy, faaaar too thin (aka boney) and resembles an alien when not after hours of make-up and photo-shopping. Celebrities are not some super-race Evan sweetheart and I have seen so many “normal” woman who could trump them any day! Your response to Diana made celebrities and how they look out to be the highest standard of beauty that can be attained by a person – is beauty not in the eye of the beholder? Every woman deserves to be the most beautiful in her man’s eyes, IMHO. 

  26. 266

    You know, first of all you can kind of tell that the guy who wrote this response is not the nicest person just by his tone. He’s flat out mean. I wouldn’t take his “catty” diatribe too seriously.
    My observation is as follows. There are different kinds of “honest” men. There’s the needlessly insensitive guy who tells his girlfriend flat out “yeah you’re only a 5 but you’ll do”. He likes to be a dick. There’s the unrealistic one who doesn’t understand that celebrities are photo shopped, covered in make-up, have personal trainers and professional photographers-in short, he doesn’t get that he’s looking at a real woman and not an artificially enhanced image. Take this guy’s fit wife who gets looks everywhere she goes, and to him she falls short of a ten just because she doesn’t dress up.
    In my opinion, if he doesn’t think you are terribly attractive and he asks you out then he’s probably pretty pathetic anyway. He’s desperate for a f**k or lonely and will take whatever is ‘good enough’. 
    It’s also worth noting that women don’t necessarily lie when they say they think their chubby husband is a ten. Women are on average less love-stingy then men and take advantage of the fact that beauty is a subjective matter. In their eyes their husbands *are* often the most gorgeous guy alive, while men fall prey more easily to culturally imposed standards and get caught up in these rules.

  27. 267

    he question doesn’t give enough information. You don’t even know why they are together, how they got together.

  28. 268

    I think what she wants is for her bf to have said. ” much better, wouldnt climb over you to get to her, shes too skinny, bla blah blah. See even if i know shes better i want my husband to humour me. I should always be a. 10 to him, because he loves me and thats that. If he is too honest for that , then dont ask x

  29. 269

    Nup sorry…I understand why she felt this way.  She wants her boyfriend to be crazy about her because she is about him.  And, let’s face it, she doesn’t seem egotistical in her post and she probably realistically is as hot as Angelina Jolie!  If you put them in the same situation.  I don’t personally think Angelina is the be-all and end-all of gorgeousness and, in fact, I don’t believe in beauty as perceived in this day and age.  The problem is, he is actually comparing her to Angelina Jolie and other celebrities.  He sounds immature to me.  Thinking that celebrities really are how they look in magazines and on the red carpet when the reality is they’re just normal people who probably look no different to regular good looking people!  There are loads of people just as gorgeous as celebrities!!  I can’t honestly believe people actually think that celebrities are genuinely superior in looks to the best looking of the general public!  It’s all marketing and perceptions….and I think Diana’s boyfriend sounds really immature to still be buying into that!  Sorry, but I’m with you Diana.  In your post it sounds as if he was being quite pompous and trying to cut you down a peg or two.  I’d honestly start looking at the idea that he has his own insecurities.  Something’s really not right here.  I don’t think his comments have anything to do with your looks….I think they are about him!

  30. 270

    You said that her question represented every misunderstanding in a relationship but you only seemed to focus on her insecurities. What about her boyfriend’s? If you are giving advice, be sure to make it balanced and less judgmental. While your advice to her definitely did have at least some basis in truth, you ruined the effect by being condescending and narrow-minded. I am hoping that your goal in giving advice would be to have the other person accept that advice. How likely would anyone be to take advice from an advice-giver who is deliberately demeaning? Instead of telling the poor girl how to get over her ‘insecurities,’ all you did was rant about the problems with women in society and the suffering and injustice that you and other men have to endure as a result. Save that for another blog and figure out your real purpose here.

    1. 270.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Her boyfriend didn’t write to me. She wrote to me. So what does she have the power to change? Herself. You want to know my purpose – it’s having people understand that there’s another side to the story that they haven’t even contemplated before. Giving her a pat on the back teaches her absolutely nothing, and, as such, doesn’t make for very good advice. Would you read an advice column where every letter was just a warm hug validating her perspective and letting her know that she’s right? I wouldn’t.

      1. 270.1.1

        You do have a point. I was not expecting you to give her a pat on the back. Obviously, if this girl is considering breaking up with her boyfriend just because he confesses something that he would say around his guy friends, then she needs to reconsider what her relationship is based on. I have nothing against your content – just your tone (which is equally important).

        You are right – supporting her opinion will not teach her anything. But neither will demeaning her. You probably don’t think you are demeaning, but to tell a girl that she is insecure and shallow will not stop her from being insecure and shallow. This article would have been so much better if you had maybe given her tips or advice that was clearer and to the point.

        I understand your need to speak to an audience by pointing out the underlying themes in every problem, but it would not hurt to be clearer and more understanding. Otherwise, when you talk about society’s unfair view of men, it comes off as more of a rant. And when you rant, you are just preaching to the choir. In order to influence and argue properly with others, you need to understand your audience, the type of reaction that you are going to get, and the change you want to create, and then change your tone and organization (not your beliefs) accordingly.

        I hope you understand now that I am just trying to better your article. I realize that I do not know you or your blog and that I am going off of just this one article. If what I am saying here does not apply to the rest of your writing on this website, then I apologize. I do hope, however, that you take this advice to heart and consider it properly.

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