I’m Invisible And Unwanted By Men And It’s Not My Fault!

Can Women Admit to the Loneliness of Being Single

I just read your article in why some women don’t find love. I am coming away from it feeling resentful. You make it sound like women who can’t find love don’t try. I am 47 years old, single mom who has been in dating sites only to get dick pics and ghosters. Or men who get mad at me if I don’t take the lead. I have read your book, Roiy Raye’s books and program. I am in the field of wellness and holistic health and work on myself daily. I consistently face my insecurities, attempt to release my baggage and let go of the pain of 30+ years of either being ignored or used by almost every man I have encountered, including 2 emotionally and mentally abusive men. I don’t chase, over text, flip out, am not spoiled or immature- all the claims in the comments that these men make. I cannot understand it and I am so lonely and depressed and hopeless that there is nothing left to do but accept that there is NOT a man for me. I can’t try anymore when I just don’t even seem to exist to men. Except to be taken from. And I resent the implication that it’s because I don’t do anything. Bitchy, demanding, high maintenance, shallow women attract a mate. Sorry I can’t and don’t want to be that. Just once I’d like someone to recognize that it’s not as easy for some of us. Some of us are invisible and unwanted.


 Dear Julie,

I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain right now.

I’m also sorry you feel resentful towards me for writing an article about why some women don’t find love.

I do the best I can to give sound advice for free but I acknowledge that what I have to say may not always what you want to hear at the time, and that some of this advice isn’t applicable to you. 

Then again, if it’s not applicable to you, why get upset about it? 

If I read an article on how to be a better husband and discovered I was doing everything the article recommended, I would feel proud and validated. 

On the other hand, if I read an article on how to be a better husband and discovered I was lacking in some areas, I would probably feel personally indicted and defensive.

Your situation sounds more like the latter, so let’s dig into it together.

You have every right to feel frustrated when all of your hard work hasn’t paid off.

Listen, you have every right to feel frustrated when all of your hard work hasn’t paid off. I don’t blame you one bit. I’m not going to defend dick pics or ghosters or passive men. I will loudly applaud you for taking responsibility for your own love life and doing the best you can to operate from a place of confidence, security and abundance.

All I can say – without ANY information about you – is this:

  1. The conclusion that there is NOT a man for you is false. I mean, it may be true, but if it is, it’s a function of your desire to quit dating as opposed to persevering, rather than any objective statement about all the men on earth. I’m a dating coach. I have clients like you get engaged every week. If you insist that you’re the exception and that the Universe has conspired to keep you single because there are clearly NO good men and will NEVER BE any good men to enter your orbit, I can feel bad for you, but I can’t help you.
  2. Your other false conclusion is that bitchy, demanding, high maintenance and shallow are assets in women. They are not. Men sometimes put up with those qualities because she’s beautiful, but these are all relationship-killers. If it bothers you that men would be so shallow and shortsighted, perhaps you can consider that many women do the exact same thing in reverse – put up with emotionally abusive men because of certain qualities (chemistry, charisma, money, the illusion of security) but aren’t actually happy. We can say that toxic narcissists get all the women and that nice guys should just give up, but that’s not true, is it?
  3. Finally, if you want to ensure you never get out of this pit of despair, keep repeating the mantra that you’re invisible, unwanted, and a victim. You may have been these things – you may still be these things – but your future does not have to be the same as your past. This is called a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed mindset. You either have the capacity to change or you’re stuck the way you are now, for the rest of your life. As a coach, I believe in a growth mindset, which is why so many of my clients have had great success meeting great men. As to whether you choose to stay where you are and resign yourself to a life alone or take action that shifts your romantic future forever, well, that’s entirely up to you.

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  1. 1
    Michelle H.

    Good post.

  2. 2

    I can understand Julie’s post because at 50 I saw the same thing. The men I wanted to date wanted 35 year olds and the men who wrote to me were not the high-quality men I was seeking. I also read books, read your blogs, attended workshops, saw a therapist, etc…..I did it all as well and nothing. The difference was that after six years of that I quit and became the love of MY life. I chose ME when no one else did. I was no longer a victim or allowing online men to determine my worth. I stopped looking and my amazing man found me at a spiritual center. He chose ME and continues to do so every single day. You can recognize that you are wanted and very much visible, Julie. Your guy is out there!

    1. 2.1

      Spot on, choosing yourself is the golden ticket to change.

  3. 3

    What is going on in you that you are attracting (and then STAYING) with abusive men? Over and Over? I am not saying you deserved it and you seem like a good person; but something broken inside you attracted these abusing, neglectful men and you didn’t walk away. That’s the real issue. Your letter also reeks of anger, bitterness and victim mentality; men can feel that, I could feel that reading it and I don’t know you. Bitchy, demanding, shallow women don’t attract men (not quality men) but confident, take care of their own needs, pride in their appearance women DO attract quality men. The energy of fear, anger and resentment won’t attract the quality men, it will attract the broken men that can sniff out that insecurity and fear hence the repeat cycle of crappy men in your life and crappy relationships. I think there is some deep healing you need to do, for yourself. I know you think you are doing that by reading, meditating, whatever, but it takes more than that, it takes deeper work, and dealing with, truly facing and processing trauma, fear, etc. My guess is there is a confident, sexy, warm, free woman waiting to come out. If you let her.

    1. 3.1
      Malika With an L

      Spot on Michelle. We attract all kinds of men but if we let the abusive, shallow men stay it is on us. Why do we try to argue our way into staying in these relationships, why do we normalize such relationships? If we come from an abusive background we can consciously think we can do better, yet it is easy to rationalize abusive behaviour until it becomes difficult to extricate ourselves. It takes a mountain of work to process our past, but it is certainly possible.

      After nearly two years i marvel at how calm my current relationship feels. It took nearly four years of therapy and work before i could let go of the thoughts that OP states but it was so worth it.

      1. 3.1.1

        Thank you Malika With and L. Love your responses on here. Yes, I believe the same; to see where my mental and energy state I just take a look at who and what is around me; people, friends, business ops, men. When they are not good, it’s because I’m not in a good place, or not standing in my power, or loving myself. So I look inside at what’s going on, not outside. I believe we create our own reality every day. Self love and healing is the most powerful thing we can do to create our best life. Kudo’s to you for doing that work, it’s not easy and takes courage. So happy you found someone who loves you.

  4. 4

    I’d wager that this 47 year old women gets 3 times as many matches as her male peers.

    She should at the very least be messaging men.

    She should also offer to split the bill.

  5. 5

    Let’s be real, she’s too picky or she’d have man. Since she used the term “high quality” I think we can be sure of that. Apparently she regards herself as high quality and the men she’s designated her peers in this regard don’t agree.

    There’s probably a nice, reasonably successful and stable, more passive man who could be happy with her if she wanted that. Apparently she doesn’t and truth be told, in the long term it’s probably better for that guy if she doesn’t try to make it work with him.

    1. 5.1
      Karl R

      Bbq said:
      “Let’s be real, she’s too picky or she’d have man. Since she used the term ‘high quality’ I think we can be sure of that.”

      Julie did not use the term “high quality.” Lynn did. (And while pickiness might be part of Lynn’s story, she did eventually find someone that she seems quite happy with.)

      Your response seems to be based on your story, not Julie’s.

      Bbq said:
      “There’s probably a nice, reasonably successful and stable, more passive man who could be happy with her if she wanted that.”

      That’s almost certainly correct. But let’s consider the possibility that Julie is a passive woman. (Which seems reasonable, since she specifically said that she “do[es]n’t chase”.)

      If you put a passive man and a passive woman into the same environment, nothing happens, even if they could both be happy with each other. That’s because they’re both passive. That was my experience back when I was rather passive about dating in my earlier years.

      When I started becoming more proactive, my dating life picked up rapidly … even though my success rate did not improve. A massive increase in opportunities greatly changed the dating environment for me.

      If you become more proactive, that will benefit you. Unless you randomly happen to be in Julie’s dating pool, there is no chance that your actions will benefit her. Similarly, advising women to become more proactive will benefit those women, not you.

      1. 5.1.1

        I said more passive, not a total jelly fish. Obvi her dating tactics aren’t working for her, so maybe she should try changing something up. As for “doesn’t chase”, lol I read that on this blog and it confuses the hell out of me – I’ve seen shy and passive women ask men out, they may be nervous and lack confidence yet somehow they manage to do it, and I’ve seen them simply get friends or co-workers to let the man in question know they’re interested, so he can do the asking.
        So what does “not chasing”in women actually look like? No noticeable expression of interest at all? Cos if so that certainly explains not being approached by men. Srsly what is so hard about asking a man on a low pressure date, even if your nervous? It’s a skill most middle-school girls have mastered.

        It’s not personal experience talking, I’m just mystified at how any one could excpect to both be picky over the type of mate they want, yet employ a strategy of “not chasing”, believing that this will somehow lure the type they’re after to them. That only works in fairytales, if you get a partner irl like that, it’s just dumb luck.

  6. 6

    I can understand how the OP feels. This was me 5 years ago. Several first dates that didn’t lead to second dates. I didn’t feel the spark for those who were smitten with me, and the ones I felt the spark for, didn’t feel it for me. Or mutual disinterest after meeting in person. A few “almost relationships”. Lots of messages from inappropriate men. (Smokers, men who lived halfway across the country, men young enough to be my son, etc. I clearly stated no smoking, live within a 50 mile radius and within 10 years of my age) I quit match.com after I forwarded a string of agressive, rapey e-mails to match and reported it. One month after I reported him for this gross violation of their terms, he was still on match. I let my subscription expire and said no more match, since they would rather have a creepy customer than lose his subscription money. But they lured me back with a discounted offer, and I remember thinking “FINE (in an exasperated tone) I’ll sign up again, but I doubt if I’ll have better luck this time. The FIRST person who messaged me sent a very nice e-mail. His profile revealed a man with a handsome face, killer biceps and a nicely written profile and seemed like a good match. We e-mailed each other for a about a week (no phone call). We met for a “coffee” date, that ended up lasting all day, and included a walk, wine and appetizers and a movie. That was 5 years ago. We celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary recently. I was 59 years when we met.

    I almost gave up, after all, men weren’t exactly lining up to date a twice divorced woman in her late 50’s. So glad I gave it one more shot !

    OP, I understand your frustration and I hope you keep on trying after finding your match. Pay no attention to those who say you MUST be doing something wrong. They told me the same thing. I didn’t drastically change my self, settle for a man I felt no chemistry and/or attraction for, etc. so whatever I was doing “wrong” was right for my husband. No that I found my match, all those years of failing time and time again, just make this match even sweeter. Good luck to you.

    Sorry if this is a double post. I posted something similar a few days back, and I have run through the comments column several times and am not finding my original post.

  7. 7

    I wonder what “I am in the field of wellness and holistic health” looks like? I dated some woman who are into that and some of them are great. I especially like it if they do yoga. But some of them put way too much stock into things like oils, herbs and earth rocks to stay healthy and that it comes off as strange, mystical and just odd to a logical thinking guy. I experienced some of these woman to be very passionate early in a relationship but that fades quickly.

    1. 7.1
      Emily, to

      “But some of them put way too much stock into things like oils, herbs and earth rocks to stay healthy and that it comes off as strange, mystical and just odd to a logical thinking guy.”
      That’s not a good match. I’m not sure what would draw you to that type of woman if you’re a logical type. Two totally differen kinds of people.

      1. 7.1.1

        “I’m not sure what would draw you to that type of woman if you’re a logical type”

        The draw is that they are attractive, fun, interesting, warm, etc?

        1. Emily, to

          I’m not into oils and beads, etc., but consider myself uncoventional and I stay away from left-brained types. The way they process the world makes no sense to me. I’m assuming they feel the same way about me. Two former male co-workers worked out together during their lunch 4 days of the week and on Friday went to a restaurant to eat. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. So one day, when I ran into them in the hall, I asked, “Why don’t you go to the restaurant on a different day? Shake things up a bit.” They looked at me like I’d suggested someting radical. “We don’t want to change the routine.” Good night. I think you can guess their profession. 🙂

      2. 7.1.2

        Opposites attract 🙂

  8. 8

    Reading this makes me incredibly grateful that I’m perfectly content single. There are so many stories of both men and women who have been single for long times or have had no luck in dating. Their loneliness is heartbreaking.

    1. 8.1
      In Hiding


      I agree. If you can’t be content without someone, you won’t be content WITH someone. I am lucky to be an introvert and my own best company.

      1. 8.1.1

        “I agree. If you can’t be content without someone, you won’t be content WITH someone. I am lucky to be an introvert and my own best company.”

        Don’t really agree with this. When I was single I was “mostly content” with my fairly good life, but something was missing, and the missing piece was having someone to share my good life with. I was happy with my circle of friends, my relationship with my adult son, my living situation, my job situation, my health etc. And OF COURSE one is going to focus on the missing pieces of their life, because the other pieces are already in place.

        To me saying you must be happy ALONE or you’ll never be happy WITH someone is like saying if you can’t manage your finances when you are unemployed (for long stretches of time) you won’t be able to manage your finances when you get a job. Or if you can’t feel satiated when you have no food, that you’ll never feel satiated when you finally have a meal. If you can’t be happy when you are sick, you’ll never be happy when you are healthy.

        I think this type of thinking is what leads to these silly playing hard to get games, and the one who cares the least, wins. (wins what ? ) No wonder dating can sometimes be a contest to see who is the most indifferent.

        People date with the intention of finding a relationship, but run away from those who state that they are looking for a relationship as being “too needy”. The message seems to be, that the only way to have find a relationship is to not want one to begin with. Presumably with another person who didn’t want to have a relationship.

        If you were an employer, would you really want to hire someone who said “I don’t really need or want this job. I’m a trust fund baby and don’t need the money. My time is better spent on my hobbies and travel” ?

        When I was single, I had built a fairly good life for myself, what was missing was someone to share it with. Now that I’ve found my match, I couldn’t be happier. So no, desiring a relationship when I was single, didn’t hamper my ability to enjoy being in a relationship (that eventually led to marriage), if anything, it made it all the sweeter.

        I think that old adage that you’ll find a relationship when you aren’t looking for one (or even desiring one) is really a fun fiction we tell ourselves. I have never found a job, a house, a car by not looking for, nor wanting those things. Same with a relationship.

        Desiring a relationship isn’t wrong or needy. I think shame over even wanting to be in relationship is a bigger deterrant, and is what leads to all the game playing.

        Of course if one is completely miserable with EVERY aspect of their life, I doubt a relationship would fix that, and who would want to merge their life with a miserable one ? But there is nothing wrong or needy about wanting to add a relationship to an already fairly satisfying life.

        1. Emily, to

          “If you were an employer, would you really want to hire someone who said “I don’t really need or want this job. I’m a trust fund baby and don’t need the money. My time is better spent on my hobbies and travel” ?”
          You will probably find this abhorrent, but I have a friend who compares finding a relationship to finding a job: It’s better to look when you already have one. You might not like the job you’ve got, but you won’t be giving off that “hire me, hire me, hire me” vibe if you go for interviews while still employed. You’re not terrifed of how you’ll pay the rent or how you’ll explain the gap on your resume. Same if you’re in a relationship. You won’t give off the “like me, like me, like me” vibe. I can almost always tell if a man is in a relationship or if he’s single when I first talk to him.Totally different energy.

        2. Yet Another Guy


          “I can almost always tell if a man is in a relationship or if he’s single when I first talk to him.Totally different energy.”

          What you are sensing is a sexually hungry man. Most single men do not crave a relationship. They crave fun with someone with whom they want to have sex. That is why men are put-off by women who openly admit that they are looking for a relationship early in the dating process. Anyone who does not believe me only needs to look at the social experiment known as online dating. The difference between how separated men and women are treated is startling. Most separated men on dating sites might as well as have leprosy because most women will not touch them. Why? Because a separated man has close to zero long-term relationship value. On the other hand, most men have no problem with dating a separated woman. In fact, a lot of men target separated women (separated women are the safest from a sex without being rushed into a relationship point of view). The difference is that most men look for fun and sex, which can lead to a relationship. Most women look for a relationship, which leads to security, fun, and sex. The outcome is the same for men and women, but the immediate goals are different.

        3. Jeremy

          Emily, as an employer, I’ve always found that young, eager candidates were better prospects than those who didn’t really need the job or want it too badly. This was the subject of a conversation I had with my father recently, when I was looking to hire a new assistant and he was looking to be hired for a job. He told me that, in his opinion, he represented the ideal sort of worker. Experienced, stable, and working because he wanted to work, rather than because he had to.
          “Interesting,” I said to him, “And what would you say to your new boss if he asked you to stay late or come in on a weekend?” “I’d tell him to go jump,” my dad replied. “Uh huh,” I said, “And what would you tell him if he asked you to do something a certain way that you’d been doing differently forever and you thought was best done the old way?” “I’d listen to what he thought,” said my dad, “And if it didn’t make sense I’d either not do it or do it reluctantly.” “Exactly why I don’t want to hire someone like you,” I replied.

          “But Jeremy, there’s something you’re missing,” he said. “The employee who seems to want your job doesn’t really want YOUR job, she only wants A job. She’ll leave as soon as she finds something more lucrative or enjoyable. Whereas the person working because he wants to be there will be more likely to stay.” “Until he doesn’t want to either,” I replied. “The only difference between the two employees at that point will be the REASON they leave. The one, to find greener pastures. The other to find something they like better.”

          All this to say, I don’t think there is an absolute logic or morality to the anxious/avoidant quotient. I find the person who goes from relationship to relationship abhorrent – but that’s because of what seems logical to my attachment style, the boundaries of my logical paradigm. I understand yours too. I just don’t agree with it. My dad’s a lot like you.

        4. Emily, to

          “All this to say, I don’t think there is an absolute logic or morality to the anxious/avoidant quotient. ”
          It makes perfect sense. If things go well, you stay. If they don’t, you leave.
          “I find the person who goes from relationship to relationship abhorrent – but that’s because of what seems logical to my attachment style, the boundaries of my logical paradigm. ”
          I didn’t say my friend went from relationship to relationship. He’s been married for decades. He just has affairs. So why are we friends? He’s a former boss, the only one I ever had who made me feel like I was part of the process and there wasn’t a tradtional, soul-crushing hierarchy.
          “My dad’s a lot like you.”
          Do you have parents or were you hatched out of some corporation or governemnt entity? You’re so mired in the system.

        5. Jeremy

          Did you ever see the Lonely Island song video “I threw it on the ground”? One of my favourites of all time (though some of their other songs, especially “I j–z in my pants” are close seconds) . Your last line reminded me of it.

        6. Emily, to

          “What you are sensing is a sexually hungry man. ”
          It’s more than just sexual hunger. It’s a need to be validated. Of course, there are plenty of coupled men who are always seeking outside validation. You wonder … HOW MUCH is enough?

        7. Emily, to

          I just have one more quesiton: Did you hang out with the teachers or the students when you were in grade school? 🙂

        8. Jeremy

          Neither. It’s funny how a taunt like that would have made me feel inadequate in my youth, but has no emotional impact on me now. I understand who I am, my place in the world. I understand the students and the teachers both, the why of their actions that eluded me then. And the why of mine.

          What a crazy world it has become in so short of a time. My parents are presently on a cruise in Italy. Yes, you read that right. A cruise. In Italy. My dad went because the tickets had been booked and changing the plan would have required initiative. My mom went because staying at home has never been exciting for her, and she can’t imagine that being in Europe would ever not be fun. People act based on their motivations. They ignore things based on their world-view. We all could do with some expansion of our vision.

        9. Emily, to

          I’d go on a cruise now! Anything to get out of working! What are u going to do? Baracade yourself in your house?

        10. Jeremy

          I don’t know how I lived decades of my life without understanding personality types. On the one hand, you’re trying to see if my blood is red. On the other, you really would go on a cruise right now. Like my parents. When I spoke to my dad, he told me straight up that continuing to live is not his priority unless he can live the way he wants to. He’ll go on the cruise, have a good time, and if he gets sick he gets sick. Of course, I remember very well his attitude when he was actually lying in hospital after having had a heart attack, years ago. Somehow continuing to live became his #1 want, and all the nonchalance evaporated in the face of self-preservation…..surprise, surprise?

          Why does no one think about the future? At least, why does no one think about the fact that what they will want in the future will be predictably different than what they want today? I just met a young man who’s about to voluntarily join the army. “Just seemed like the thing to do,” he said. Makes my mind spin. It’s one thing to barricade one’s self in one’s house. It’s another to take a gun and run into a war zone where other people with guns are firing at you. Or coop up in a boat with thousands of people in the midst of a disease hot-spot. All sorts of fun….until it isn’t. What’s the gamble worth? What’s the ABILITY to gamble worth?

        11. JuJu

          So you are equating being single to being sick, hungry or unemployed?? Being single is not in any way equivalent to being a “have-not”. I mean, there are actually plenty of women who seem to want to pair up precisely because they otherwise can’t afford a lifestyle they want for themselves, sometimes even something as basic as going out regularly, let alone traveling. But whereas you need money, food and health to survive, you don’t actually need a partner, it’s not a necessity. People who just can’t be on their own exude an unappealing desperation, and are not interesting to be around.

          And yes, if you can’t be happy by yourself, you won’t be happy in a relationship. The reason for that is that an individual like that requires constant validation – incessant words of love, physical displays of affection, etc., etc. – in order to feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship, and that sort of neediness is a turn-off and is taxing on the other person.

        12. Emily, to

          Your father sounds like an interesting guy. The kind of father I would have liked to have. Instead, I was raised by a pocket protector. I know. .. you ‘re going to write a long story about the dumb things your father did to blow up his life and how he isn’t happy, but what you don’t understand is that, for the idealist, it’s the pursuit rather than the acquiring that is most important. We know there’s no uptopia. But we’ll be damned if we stop looking and settle for, well, a pocket protector.

        13. Evan Marc Katz

          Emily, you constantly make it sound like there are two choices: fantasy man and boring pocket protector. For all of my successful clients, the answer has been in between. 7 chemistry, 10 compatibility. Stop fighting it and try it on for size.

        14. JuJu

          And btw, imagine trying to make someone like this LW happy – she brings all these hurts and insecurities into the relationship – where does one even start?..

          I’d say relationship failure for someone like her is a foregone conclusion.

      2. 8.1.2

        I’d say if you can’t be content without someone you could only be content with someone. And if you can be content without someone you can be content with someone (tho perhaps a little hassled).
        This “you have to learn to love yourself” to be in a relationship just sounds like a self help scam. Of course you don’t. Some are better in a relationship than out of one

  9. 9

    This letter makes me really sad because I can, to a point, relate to what she says. First off, we ALL get the dick pix, stalkerish types, ghosters. It has nothing to do with us other than we exist. I don’t know where the writer lives, what she’s like. Sometimes, despite working hard to be your very best self, reading everything you can get your hands on about rships, there may not be someone compatible where you are, where you hang out. And no, settling for someone not compatible is not the answer; in fact, doing so is unfair to both of you. The only advice I have is to be and live your authentic self, if you’re unhappy with how/where you live, your job, fix those things before attempting to date so that you don’t exude negativity. For those of us not standard societal fare, I suggest trying harder to meet men IRL as online doesn’t work well for us outside the norm as to income, education, race, lifestyle. And yes, choose you first.

  10. 10

    Had a similar Match experience when I first began online dating. A cyber stalker, totally incompatible lifestyle and values who found my work contact info and where I lived (not hard when one is a multiracial PhD in a small town). Match dropped ME as a customer as apparently he complained when I ignored him. He posted multiple profiles, with multiple home towns, multiple professions, changed appearance slightly (can’t change weight, hairline, and earlobes). Match finally apologized and refunded my sub in full.

    1. 10.1


      That’s scary. That’s crosses the line from cyberstalking into real-life stalking.

      1. 10.1.1

        Sadly, in the West, stalking in its various forms is common, especially in some small towns where the men are there because they can’t leave. I was stalked twice in Montana and four times in Colorado. Had a women friend who had to take out protection orders four times before she left! It was the successful woman’s “Rite of Passage”. This is why some of us would like to think more highly of men but often cannot.

  11. 11

    The thing is, there is such a miserable energy coming off from just your writing, that I can’t imagine someone like that ever attracting a quality mate. I am not trying to “blame the victim” here, I am trying to open your eyes. This is all so bitter that when witnessing it you just instinctively don’t want to be anywhere near it. You need to be a lot happier for people to WANT to spend time with you. If you are fun and energetic people naturally gravitate toward you.

    Not sure if this ever happened to you given what you are describing, but have you ever wondered why when you are in a new relationship, a lot more men than usual suddenly seem to notice you? That phenomenon is based on the energy you give off.
    Also think about what YOU want in a mate, and what kind of company you would enjoy. Do you want an Eeyore?

    1. 11.1

      “The thing is, there is such a miserable energy coming off from just your writing, that I can’t imagine someone like that ever attracting a quality mate. ”

      Just because she is writing to and advice columnist and detailing her problems, doesn’t mean she acts that way on a date.

      I am typing this comment in my bathrobe and flip flops, but don’t assume that I socialize this way. 🙂

      To me, telling someone that the “vibe” they give off when they are specifically writing for advice for a specific problem, would be like going to a doctor, listing all your aches and pains and having the doctor respond that you sound like a hypochondriac.

      1. 11.1.1

        You mean a person who describes herself as lonely, depressed and hopeless, and who doesn’t believe she exists to men “except to be taken from” could actually have a bubbly personality on dates?..

        Even when writing to advice columns one can sound more objective and matter-of-factly. There is a lot of blame, bitterness, and self-pity in her letter.

      2. 11.1.2

        …could actually have a bubbly personality on dates?

        And more to the point here – engaging.

  12. 12
    Rocketfuel and smiles

    Everything I say here is only based on my experiences and observations, not hard facts. I know many women who are successful and single and their lives sound much like Julie’s. Only that most of them have completely given up on dating and the hope that they will ever find a spouse that matches their lives. I don’t find that they are bitter but rather defeated in regards to dating and having chosen their own path solo. I am one of those “ solo single successful women”. I don’t consider myself bitter or desperate, but rather someone who chose herself and my own goals rather than changing myself to suit a man’s goals and lifestyle. This was what my ex husband expected of me. I was married for almost 5 years to an alpha male. I am an alpha woman. I think you can imagine that my flexibility had its limits. He basically expected me to say yes to all his decisions as if I was a 1950’s housewife. However I have a fast pace careeer AND I accepted running the house hold and child rearing while he only worked and followed his hobbies (I had zero time for hobbies or friends and worked myself to exhaustion to please him but he only got more angry over time). In the end he put our son and I out on the street to pursue another woman. A woman who he knew would fully cater to him and do what he wanted on his schedule. This woman was ten years older than me and childless and far less attractive than I am. She sold all she had and moved from another continent to live with him (she is here living on a visitors visa which she has to renew annually and is jobless as she has no work permit. He is in full control of her life). This is just my story. I have other alpha male friends I know through work who are very similar to my ex. They run their businessses, they have charisma , they are powerful and probably considered attractive to most women for their alphaness. I know more alpha men than I like to admit who have told me to my face I am an attractive woman and a perfect subject for any man, but none of them would consider ever dating me. Not too long ago one of them said to me that most men (and I think this was directed at the alpha male population) prefer a woman who just says yes all the time. In other words, all they want is an agreeable woman at their back and call. A supportive 1950’s housewife who will cook and clean for them and is ready to go anywhere with them at an instant. Ladies, if that’s not your bag then you need to stay solo or try and find a non-alpha passive male who is willing to be supportive and is less focussed only on his own successes. And from what I have been told by my male friends, men can sniff out a yes or non-yes woman within 5 minutes of initially meeting. I think this is Julie’s biggest issue. Another point I wanted to highlight about the high powered charismatic alpha males: all of the ones I know regularly cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Someone in these comments said that two passive people have a hard time meeting which is quite true I think. So if you are an alpha female but shy to make the first move – that is your problem, not the male populations problem.
    I am single because I chose to go down this path for a plethora of reasons but the major reasons are that a) I don’t have time to bother to date as I’m a single mom and have my son almost all the time, and b) I have my own goals I want to reach in life and I don’t need more hurdles (such as conforming my life any further to suit some man’s life). I did my time as an almost 100% yes woman to a charismatic alpha male who I was very much in love with but I could not give up 100% of all my life dreams to suit the wishes of his lifestyle.
    In the end I chose ME and I am very happy with my life without a partner snoring beside me every night. A partner is nice if that partner reciprocates but hot charismatic go getter alpha males do largely not. So if you are only attracted to that personality type you will never find happiness if you yourself are also alpha. It will just not work.
    Again, none of what I interpreted and said here may be remotely close to actual other facts or date out there, but it is based on what I have experienced and observed in my humble 42 years of life on this planet.
    High five to all ladies and gents who chose the best life for themselves, whatever that may be! Keep chasing your dreams

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    Gee Wiz, a lot of us single men can say the very same thing since we keep meeting the wrong women all the time. God forbid, if we ever met the right one.

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    Ha, just heard a quote on the second season of Dead to Me: “The only harder sell than a moldy house is a bitter woman – no one wants to live with that.”

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