So, I was dating a guy for two months and things were going pretty great in my opinion! However, he started to do the slow fade after spending the night (no sex). I recognized what this was early on, and just let it be! He just wasn’t interested and there was nothing I could do about it. In responding back and forth I let my efforts match his. I didn’t blow up his phone, did not get mad- I just let it be what it was. He’s a busy guy with a lot going on and so I knew that it was a possibility that he was simply overcommitted. However, as the quote says, "No one is busier than someone who is ignoring you" and despite what my friends said, I didn’t chase him.
Well, instead of just staying away he came back and we went through a month of these strange non-committal back-and-fourth text exchanges that would happen once a week. After the end of 3 weeks of this, he texted me telling that he was finally done with his commitments and ready to hang out in the near future. We started texting back and forth like normal and decided on a day. I thought, maybe I was reading this whole thing wrong and he was just crazy busy. That would explain why he kept reaching back out. And then…nothing. I never heard from him again.
I have listened to your podcast and read your articles of why men ghost, but what does it mean when the ghost haunts? It does not make any sense Evan. You said that men do not play games, but am I crazy for feeling like my feelings have been played with? Maybe you can make more sense of this than I can!
But because you took the time to write, I want to ask you to consider an alternative theory - one that does not start with "this man is intentionally playing with my feelings."
So, why would a guy hook up with you, do the slow fade, and then intermittently text you over the next three weeks?
- He's attracted to you, but doesn't know if he wants a relationship with you.
- He's attracted to you, but doesn't know if he wants a relationship with anyone.
- He's lonely, and your texting made him feel connected.
- He's seeing a few women and he liked someone else better
- He's seeing a few women and he slept with someone else, which intensified their relationship and now he's pursuing it exclusively, even though he never really got to know you..
- He's seeing a few women and realized that he's not in a place to commit to anyone because he's hung up on his ex or busy at work.
Let go of the feeling of being haunted by this particular ghost.
We could go on, of course, because the truth is, we have no idea what he's thinking. I just don't believe this is something that's unique to men, nor is it unique to this man.
At any given point in time, you've got millions of people on dating sites who really, truly want to find love and connection and commitment and simultaneously have ambivalence about dating, sex, commitment, the opposite sex, as well as a host of personal issues.
All I'm saying is that these aren't bad people, evil people, or sadists who are trying to hurt you. They are just like you. Normal. Confused. Torn between being single and finding love. Torn between chemistry and compatibility. Torn between innumerable dating options that may look better from the outside.
The best thing you can do is let go of the feeling of being haunted by this particular ghost - it wasn't the first time, it won't be the last. In fact, you'll probably do the same (maybe with different communication) with some guy down the road. And if you want to know why good men ghost good women, click here and I'll explain everything to you.
Best of luck moving on.