Sexiness Experiment Reveals How Men Find Women Sexy

sexy short hair blonde woman wearing blue bikini laying on fur

I subscribe to a lot of magazines. Sports Illustrated, ESPN, Money, Time, Skeptic, Playboy, and Entertainment Weekly off the top of my head. But my favorite magazine, by far, for the past 20 years has to be Esquire. GQ? Too fashion-y. Vanity Fair? Too celebrity. Maxim? Too douchey. For the smartest combination of entertainment, fashion, current events, opinion pieces, fiction, long-form journalism, and attractive women, Esquire is the best $10 I spend every year.

Recently, they did a piece on their website called The Great Sexiness Experiment, in which a model spent two weeks interviewing men about what they found sexy. No, this isn’t exactly hard-hitting, Pulitzer-prize winning stuff, but I thought it was revealing in a particularly EMK relevant way. If you want to understand men, talk to men.

Guys don’t care how many mental illnesses you have, if you’re doing a sexy pose on a bed they’ll still be attracted to you.

What you’ll see from this experiment is sad, but true: guys don’t care how many mental illnesses you have, if you’re doing a sexy pose on a bed they’ll still be attracted to you. Oh, and that, in the long-term, sexiness has nothing to do with physical attributes and everything to do with personality.

Click here to read Esquire’s Great Sexiness Experiment and share your thoughts below on what makes a man or a woman sexy.

Join our conversation (48 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1
    Karmic Equation

    From my 20’s to mid-30’s, I was never once called beautiful. “Attractive” or maybe “pretty”. But most men did like my eyes, even though I’m not crazy about them since my eyelashes are so thin as to be non-existent. But I guess they like the shape (I’m Asian).

    However from my mid-30’s to now (mid-40’s) – I’ve been called sexy by both young and old and even “beautiful”.

    What’s changed most is my attitude about myself, about life, about men. The sexiness men perceive is my being comfortable in my own skin and my ability to retain my mystery. Men are on a need-to-know basis on my thoughts. If they don’t ask, I don’t offer. But when they do, they’re surprised by my depth. Retain your mystery and you’ll instantly up your sexiness quotient.

    “Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got, and 50% what people think you’ve got.” – Sophia Loren

    1. 1.1

      “The sexiness men perceive is my being comfortable in my own skin and my ability to retain my mystery”

      If men have told you that you are sexy and beautiful, I can assure you its because they like your boobs, bod and face. Your mystery and comfortableness in your own skin has nothing to do with it. When guys discuss women in a group or when one on one with each other, the body parts and face are the topic of conversation and maybe also her personality thrown in for good measure. Not whether she is mysterious..

      If guys told you to your face they find your mystery and confidence sexy, its because they were being politically correct. No guy would ever say to a woman they barely know “You have a great ass and beautiful titties”. But they would say “I find your confidence and charisma sexy”. Its the politically correct thing to say. But when they are with their friends or alone with their thoughts, they are thinking of your naked body. Sounds like you have the looks and the personality that guys like which is a killer combination.

      Same thing with the woman conducting the interview for the article. No guy would ever say to her,” I find a woman’s tight ass and perky boobs to be the sexiest thing”. But they would say they love a nice pair of eyes and killer smile. Politically correct, but not the entire truth.

      1. 1.1.1
        Karmic Equation


        I know where you’re coming from. Most of my friends are men and sometimes they forget I’m within earshot and I hear what they talk about. But this is what they TALK about to other men. My best friend is a straight man who doesn’t mince words and is very honest about how men think. Men talk about women they find attractive and why. But they won’t talk about the girl they think is “the one” with other men. That girl is often beautiful – to him at least – and I’m sure he’ll like her boobs and bod, but that’s not makes her “the one.” Mystery is part of her personality, not as in “mysterious” but rather something about her he can’t quite figure out. She’s just a little out of reach. He knows he’s got 90% of her but that 10% he doesn’t have keeps him hooked, so to speak.

        That 10% is what I’m talking about. I lumped it altogether into “mystery”.

        As for sexy, it’s MORE than just looks, but I agree with Androgynous that one has to have some level of looks to be considered sexy.

        Let’s use celebrities as examples:

        Brad Pitt – Hot. But is he “sexy” — I can’t say.

        Sean Connery (hey dey, still kinda sexy actually ;)) – Sexy. But can’t say he’s hot or was ever “hot”. Same with Russell Crowe.

        Ben Affleck – Hot. Not sexy though.

        Chris Hemsworth – Both! Yowsa!

        Women – Since I don’t roll like that, this is a little more difficult:

        Paris Hilton – Hot. But is she sexy? I don’t think so. Kim Kardashian I think falls into this category.

        Megan Fox – Hot and sexy.

        Sophia Loren – hey day. Both hot and sexy, but I think she’s over the top sexy.

        Coco – Hot, but sexy? I don’t think so.

        If I had to sum it up…Men want to “bang” the hot ones and walk away with a story to tell but they want to “possess” the sexy ones and stick around hoping things work out.

        And thank you. Yes, I’ve been told I have that killer combo. I’m a 7 in looks but my personality kicks me up into the 8+ / 9-minus range 🙂 I’ve had men tell me my confidence is “so sexy” and I know they meant it. I think the word “mystery” is not a word most men use on women, but if you reflect, I’ll bet the women that you were most into and perhaps have the most regret letting go, had mystery, not because you miss their boobs and bod.

      2. 1.1.2

        John – I am sure that men talk about things like “great ass” among their male friends. But please take a look at the article Evan posted about the lack of male friendships among white men and the lack of emotional sharing. I doubt men get into groups and share the more sensitive things that matter to them. It’s easy for men to strictly talk about how women look among each other. There is a strong cultural heteromale sexual normative that to be a “real man”, you need to talk about t&a. But I personally believe that men who are emotionall mature, evolve past this. This doesn’t mean they don’t like whatever particular body part of their choices. This just means they know other things matter and ususally matter more and that they aren’t stuck on fetishizing women for their body parts while maintaining balance with their physical attraction to women.  

    2. 1.2
      understandable male

      Dear Karmic Equation,
      As a male who regularly finds women sexy or not sexy, I can assure you that pretending to be interesting doesn’t help anybody’s chances. Sexiness is really just a function of a person’s apparent desire for sex. Women making sexual poses on a bed are sexy to men because they look like they want to have sex. It’s that easy.  
      I find it ironic that you’re on a blog about “understanding men” and yet you actively attempt to keep yourself “mysterious”. How do you think understanding between two people is actually reached? (hint: not by reading blogs about their gender). Maybe you’d be able to truly understand the people around you, male or female, if you actually tried exchange thoughts and perspective with them instead of trying to come off a certain way and seeing how they respond. I’d venture that there’s only one way to find out.

      1. 1.2.1
        Karmic Equation


        Dude, did you read my post and *try* to understand it? You have no idea what I mean by mystery. You’re thinking “Mata Hari” mysterious. No. That’s not what I mean. So I’ll try to explain this complex concept in simple terms that you can digest:
        Most women believe that it’s ok to speak her every thought, express her every feeling ABOUT the guy TO the guy; because she feels she’s “communicating” with him. Meanwhile, it goes in one ear and out the other one for him because while he’s interested, he does like what you did to my post and just barely pay attention to it. However, men will always pick up on clues on how to push a woman’s buttons (not done consciously, just part of Y-chromosome) — so the more she spouts, the more his data banks get filled with info on her that he “uses” (for lack of better term) to “manage” her.
        By NOT spouting out her every thought and every feeling, a guy has to WONDER what makes her tick. That “wondering” makes her mysterious because he can’t figure her out because she’s not spelling it out for him. He can’t manage her. That’s a challenge. And as long as man can’t manage her, he sticks around. This would explain why men stay with “crazy” women. He stays around until he determines she’s “too” crazy for him. If she’s just plain crazy, he can control her. If she’s “too crazy” – he’s admitting he can’t.
        But a woman—who’s sane and to whom he’s attracted—but is not an open book to him—she’s the one he finds un-manageable (and hence “mysterious”) as she’s not completely his. This un-manageability adds to her allure, which we can call sexiness.
        A woman wants a man to be “completely” hers body, mind, and soul to feel happy and loved. Men lose interest in a woman when he has her “completely” — body, mind, and soul. He needs to have something to strive for to keep him from being bored with her and taking her for granted. So a woman keeping 10% of her mind to herself is an easy way to keep his interest peaked for the long run.
        I don’t have to “pretend” to be interesting or mysterious. I simply don’t tell a guy my every thought and feeling, particularly when it pertains to HIM. Easy peasy mysterious.


        1. Galpal

          oh you meant,

          just be ‘YOU’


        2. La Vie est Belle

          Beautifully said. I can’t see why can’t they understand your point of view. It’s the only explanation why a woman like me that can barely be called handsome is chased around the globe. The only reasonable explanation is that I am hard to get in all the senses that “get” may have. I am a mysterious prey, the harder I am to have and to understand, the sexier I become.


    3. 1.3
      Equals a great woman!

      Don’t let the haters both male and female get you down.   Some insecure men are attracted to low self esteem women because they know they can abuse them.   These guys wouldnt know what to do with a women who knows what she is about.   I can’t speak for all men, but I prefer a confident woman.   Confidence is a huge turn on.   Any man who has been graced by your presence has been truly blessed.   And yes I go over the top some times with my comments, but that’s alright just calling it like I see it.

      if there is one thing I have learned in life it’s that, some people only want the worst for others.   Don’t let some of these people crap on your parade.   At the end of the day, you know what the hell you are talking about and some people get it and some don’t.   I get it.  

  2. 2

    Thanks Evan, for posting that link – found it very interesting, and FUNNY !!! Melissa Stetton has a great career ahead of her as a writer or scriptwriter if she ever gets tired of modelling. The only problem I have with the piece is that she is an attractive women asking men what they find sexy. This is definitely skewing their response and it is likely the men are telling her what they think she wants to hear. I suspect that for those men she interviewed, all those interesting and fun and smart and quirky women they find sexy are convetionally attractive, without question. It is looks plus more. Women who fall into the category of unconventionally cool but not physically attractive are never ever described as sexy.

    1. 2.1
      Karmic Equation

      I agree and disagree, Androgynous. I agree in that a 6 or below will rarely be described as sexy. She would probably have to be at least a 7.

      However, 7’s don’t have to have hourglass figures to be considered sexy. My shape is boxy, but I dress well to hide it 🙂

      I think 6’s who would be considered “sexy” if they were 7’s, would be called “attractive” whereas if they *weren’t* sexy they wouldn’t even be considered “attractive”, you know what I mean?

      In other words, the 6’s sexiness makes them attractive whereas perhaps they wouldn’t have been considered attractive at all if they weren’t sexy.

  3. 3

    Come to think of it, forget of sexy. You can be only be sexy as long as you have some level of looks. As you looks fade with age, you will never by “sexy” no matter what your inner qualities are. I’ve always aimed for pure inner happiness, joy and acceptace of yourself whether or not you are conventionally beautiful. And I don’t mean posing in front of camera in lingerie celebrating your unique beauty. I mean humility and gratitude that comes from accepting life and making the best of your life, and the happiness that derives from it. If you are looking for love, you may be surprised how this can draw people (and some eligible men) to you. It’s like those women who try and try and try to fall pregnant and fail. Just when they have given up and found inner peace and acceptance, they miraculously fall pregnant !

  4. 4

    Androgynous 3 – yes to inner acceptance and no to “as your looks fade with age”. That is sexist and I’m calling you out on it. Both men and women can still look beautiful physically – it isn’t because you’re “young” that you have immaculate grooming, a great figure, lovely features, and no wrinkles!!!! (Have a look round at some of the 30 somethings – some of them could really use a bottle of shampoo and a bar of soap – both sexes!)

  5. 5

    I’ve actually always found men in their 40’s to be very attractive. Even when I was in my 20’s. I fell head over heels for a 42 year old when I was 29, but he didn’t return my feelings. 🙁

    I still find 40-45 years olds attractive, but I am in my late 50’s, so I have to be moving along . . .

    I think people can be beautiful at any age. In fact, I look at people’s faces, looking for signs of who the person is behind the face. Of course, the raw physical features we were born with, largely determine our attractiveness, but character, personality, and lifestyle really shape and refine what mother nature gave you. A person born with the physical features that make up a “10” can easily move way down the scale with a sour attitude, an unhealthy life style, and drooped shoulders, eyes looking down that just screams to the world “I hate myself”. A person with average physical features can become very attractive if they take care of themselves, are warm and engaging to the people around them, and carry themselves in such a way that tells the world “Life is GOOD !”.

    No voo-doo here, but I really try to get a read on people’s faces. It’s easier to read faces on older people, because the lines on those faces tell a story.

  6. 6

    I was at some gathering celebrating a woman who was having a baby in her forties. One man probably in his 70s was there. I am mid 30s but he had such a strong masculine energy to him, I just found him so attractive. Obviously he would not be someone I date because he’s old enough to be my dad but I’d tap that if I were over 65! Normally I don’t find old men sexy but he certainly had a very strong energy that made him attractive. His appearance was just like any typical 70 something year old man.

  7. 7

    Yes Judy you are right in saying that in the eyes of women, women of all ages can be beautiful and sexy. But beauty in the eyes of women is very very different from beauty in the eyes of men. Also, women can overlook physical deficits in men if those men also possess other very attractive personal attributes. More so than men can overlooks physical deficits in women, even if those women possess other attractive attributes. It is the same story over and over again, from what I hear and read from both men and women during my life experience. It has also been a personal experience of mine and many of my friends. Men admit this privately as well as publicly – some are ashamed at their superficiality, but claim not to be able to do anything about it.
    Evan should write a post on this and how women can deal with Lookism.

  8. 8
    Karl R

    Androgynous, (#2, #3 and #7)

    You really don’t understand men.

    My wife turns 60 in two months. I find her very sexy. She certainly hasn’t gotten any younger since we first met. She has gained weight (and given her complaints about her belly fat, I’m guessing that’s where several of the pounds ended up).

    Despite this, she’s sexier than when we first met. During that time she’s gone from being a novice dancer to being a fairly accomplished dancer. Her self-confidence has improved. Even though she’s older and has gained weight, she’s more comfortable with her body than when we first met. Her wardrobe reflects this change.

    I could point out dozens of women in their 40s, 50s and 60s … women in my extended social circle … who are sexy women. Some are overweight. Some have problems with their complexions. Some are flat-chested. Some are overweight. None of them are complaining about their deficits. They’re working their assets.

    But pictures are worth more than words. I’ll use a professional dance instructor as my example (since there’s no such thing as bad publicity in her profession).

    Despite Amanda’s career, she does not have a traditional dancer’s body. She has an average-sized physique (with larger-than-average boobs). She’s definitely not sporting a six-pack … not unless she’s carrying it in her hand. I think she’s in her mid-to-late forties.

    At the beginning of the video, Amanda is the one on the left.

    Does she look like a woman who is concerned about her lack of a six-pack? Do you think the men who see her are worried about her lack of six-pack?

    What sets Amanda apart is skill, confidence, personality and style. If you took away those assets and gave her the personality of a wallflower, I wouldn’t look twice at her.

    1. 8.1

      Dude – what   blatant attempt to get people to watch your video…of course that woman is hot; there are very few people in the world that would not think she was hot…

      1. 8.1.1

        Yeah, her body looks above average, not average.

        Scary that you think she’s just got an average physique.


    2. 8.2


      With all due respect, buddy, that is NOT an “average” body for a mid to late forties woman! For 45+ that’s easily a 9 or 10! (would be in any circles I’ve ever moved in, as well). “Average” as compared to what? A super athletic 25 year old professional dancer or gymnast (most of which honestly do not look all that fabulous to me-too lean)?

      Incidentally if that’s the standard you think I’m chasing in 50 + year old women, you couldn’t be more wrong!

  9. 9

    Karl, you are awesome!! Very inspiring perspective.

  10. 10

    The last paragraph seems to be a contradiction. So at first mental and emotional state don’t matter as long as your hot but in the end you don’t have to be hot just don’t be nuts. It’s this kind of stuff that drives us nuts.

  11. 11

    All of this is depressing. It’s all about looks for men and forget it if you’re not pretty.   My goal for 2014 is to get into the best shape I can get, and if I get male attention, tell them they are not well-dressed enough to talk   to me (they won’t be, I live in Indiana) and to go home and tell them if they want to talk to me, they need to put on some decent clothes. Women put up with way too much shit, which is why men are so pathetic nowadays. And you can’t be nice and courteous to men, because if you are, they are immediately convinced you think they are hot and you want to fuck them. Found that out in an embarrassing way. Ugh.

    1. 11.1

      Fear not Gloria! Not all men just care about looks. Sure, you don’t want to be with someone that’s just awful looking OR doesn’t have any pride at all in their appearance. But almost everyone has some attractive qualities. Confidence ( not arrogance) and a good sense of humor will make the difference.


  12. 12

    Sometimes I also find some of these discussions very depressing. I believe women are more motivated toward self-improvement and emotional growth that its left men a bit in the dust with their own emotional advancement. Although men are certainly coming along, it’s too slow to keep up with the way women have been progressing. Which has created an imbalance and frustration from both sides. I have read Evan’s story where he has even said that he decided to help women because men were not interested in being helped. (Although we see how many men are happy to tell women how they can change and *improve* just by a lot of the men that do come here to tell women all the ways they are failing with men.)
    It goes without saying how much pressure women already are forced to conform to and how often we don’t meet the expectations that have become normalized by society.   And then when you come here, sometimes it can still feel like the world (and yes men) are against you. That is unless you have a perfect figure and are 25 years old. And sadly even by 25, men are already starting to say some disparging stuff about women and their age and are going on to tout their own importance into their 40s and even 50s. There is a hyper-focus in our society on women as sexual commodities that has become normalized through the absorbtion of pornography. I know it’s an unpopular opinion but I believe porn is doing more harm for men and women then good. We can go on all day long about how “natural” porn is. No, porn is not natural. Sex is. Attraction is. Porn is not.  
    Gloria, I would say to get in shape for *you*. And I also suggest, like all women, that while we can understand how men operate today, we can still demand they work on their own improvements and not tolerate crappy behavior from them. Which is why I do think Evan’s blog is good but it is *not* the end of the story. It’s past time for men to work on their own emotional development. Although I do realize that this may be harder for men based on the socialization of feelings and how men are socialized not to express theirs. But that is not an excuse for men to get a free hall pass to objectfy women . And we can also educate ourselves on how to look out for emotionally advanced man out there. And they are out there. Such as Karl R….
    Karl R, thank you so much for being a strong masculine voice on this blog and talking about your love for your wife and your relationship. You are a positive voice on this blog and I believe you are one of the men here that *truly* do want to help women. You give me faith in the power of love.  

    1. 12.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      All Heart, hate to tell you but the majority of men, including “emotionally advanced” guys like me and Karl R, occasionally consume internet porn. Perhaps when you stop making men “wrong,” you will have an easier time accepting us as we are.

      1. 12.1.1

        More and more, porn is infiltrating mainstream society. It isn’t just about men actively looking for porn anymore. It’s everywhere: on billboards, in TV shows and movies, etc. Our hyper-sexualized society is normalizing pornographic images like never before. There are also studies beginning to come out about the harmful effects of regular porn porn use on both sexes. It is a poisonous industry because it encourages objectification and the use of women in increasingly harmful ways (and I say that as a woman who occasionally uses porn). It is not a harmless activity when it conditions young men and boys to be unable to get or sustain arousal when with a real female. It is also not harmless when the effect on women is taken into consideration: not only do we have to deal with a society which says we’re automatically less attractive once we’re no longer 25, but now we have even more pressure to be sexy and gorgeous because males are beginning to choose to whack off to porn rather than have sex with a real, live woman. Mainly, it conditions young men and boys to expect women to like doing some very degrading, disgusting and potentially physically dangerous things.

        I could deal with a guy using porn if he’s single, but if I were married and my husband still felt the need to use porn on a regular basis when he should be saving all of his sexual urges for me, it would bother me a lot. Think how much happier we’d all be in a world without porn. Men would find their wives much more desirable because they wouldn’t constantly be whacking off to images of other women, and women would be much more willing to have sex more often because they’d feel more desirable. They wouldn’t be wondering if their husbands were using their favorite porn clips to get off while having sex instead of focusing on their wives.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I could deal with a guy using porn if he’s single, but if I were married and my husband still felt the need to use porn on a regular basis when he should be saving all of his sexual urges for me, it would bother me a lot.

          Prepare to be bothered a lot. Wait, that’s an exaggeration. Men watch less porn when happily married. But that doesn’t mean they NEVER watch it. If your wife is tired and breastfeeding and not in the mood, porn is a kind of healthy quick fix. Or so I’ve heard.

          Think how much happier we’d all be in a world without porn.

          I’d think a world without poverty would be a happier world. It’s just not realistic.

          So, Jenn, you have two choices: learn to accept what I’m telling you: that porn isn’t going anywhere, and, like everything in moderation (food, booze, work) porn is normal. Or find the small percentage of men who don’t watch porn. I agree that porn isn’t “good” and that it has negative effects on people and society; I also think that fighting a crusade against it is like fighting a crusade against cell phones because people are addicted to texting, Facebook, and gaming. You need to find someone who isn’t addicted; everything else in the big bell curve of normal should be acceptable.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Men separate sex and emotions. Men can have sex with women they hate if they find her attractive enough. Women can never do that. It would be disgusting and against her values (unless she were a prostitute).

          So, when most normal men (not the porn-addicted men) watch porn, it’s just a form of entertainment. Women like to watch chick flicks and rom-coms for entertainment because that’s what we like. We like the romance and emotion in those kinds of movies. Men like sex, so they’re going to watch sex when they have a choice.

          Telling men it’s wrong of them to watch porn is like them telling women it’s wrong to watch Oxygen and Lifetime movies.

          Men fantasize about being the GUY in the porn show. They’re NOT fantasizing about the particular woman or women. Sure they might admire her bod, but they’re not fantasizing about having a relationship with her.

          If your relationship is healthy, porn isn’t a threat to it. If your man’s mentally healthy, porn isn’t a threat to your relationship. If you’re secure about your worth and what you bring to the relationship table, porn isn’t a threat to you or your relationship. Therefore, a majority of relationships will be safe from porn. The one’s which porn threatens, those relationships are in trouble for reasons other than the porn itself.

        3. Mako.M

          The reason porn was invented was because a women tends to become frigid, as she is latter only in love & not sexually attracted to,her husband. She’ll do only what she must to
          1) get pregnant.
          2) feed the occasional urge.
          & 3) get me trapped in marriage.
          Other than that I can’t think of any other obvious reasons.
          ps:You’d rather have him on porn than”gettin it” from someone else,just saying.

      2. 12.1.2

        Evan and Allheart,

        Some of women ( I think majority too) consume  Internet porn too.


        I still have no idea why some girls

        get mad when thier bf or husband sais they watched porn. This is why all my exs lied to me they were done with porn lol but come on!

    2. 12.2

      All Heart,

      Since when is it that much of a burden to get (and stay in shape)? That is the easy part; it takes some work, yes, but I don’t mind that women expect that of a man, even at my age (or haven’t you seen the comments about “man-boobs” and “beer bellies” voiced from the female side here?). As I see it, I better be in shape or get ripped to shreds by every critical woman out there, including the ones just looking for any excuse to reject a man my age to begin with. I wouldn’t even put myself out there without having a flat stomach, not after what I’ve been reading here for two years! But oh, the rage, if I say I hold a woman to a similar standard! It’s deafening! It’s… it’s …OBJECTIFYING,   that’s what it is! The ultimate crime of a male (women are, of course, allowed to “objectify” men all they damn well please, and frequently do. Naturally, women rarely admit to that; they’re not nearly so “visual and shallow” as men, so they say…except when taunting men on this blog, in which case, they shout it from the rooftops).

      I’ve done quite a bit of soul-searching and emotional growth myself, it’s been an ongoing effort over the past year, with some results to show, I think. Some of us do try; although, I won’t hold my breath waiting for most women to give me or any other man any credit for anything less than living up to the supposed “perfection” of women’s own emotional image (impossible for any normal male). Contrary to popular belief among women, you are emphatically NOT the only civilized, intelligent, evolved life on this planet; sorry, but that particular view, taken to the lengths I’ve witnessed here, is both arrogant in the extreme, and noxious to boot! You want that much female empathy and nurturing, get it from your girlfriends. I’ll gladly give you what I can, given a reason to care about a woman as an individual; however, I am a MAN, NOT a woman with different plumbing, and if that’s what you want, you’re going to be disappointed. There are limits.

      One other thing. Porn, whether you like it or not, serves the same purpose for men, as those romance novels you read (hardly deathless prose and great literature) serve for you. The fact that you have made the one “respectable”, and demonized the other (with no small assistance from the religious bigots, prudes, and other shame-filled, guilt-ridden, sexually dysfunctional people in American society) notwithstanding, I don’t see that you have any right to the one, while telling men they are forbidden to even look at the other. I tell you what, I’ll give up ever watching porn, the day YOU give up “bodice ripper” novels, rom-coms, and vibrators/dildos. How’s that?

      Incidentally and by the way, I wonder if it’s ever occurred to you, that it might be easier for both genders here to be a little more sweetness and light in their comments/observations when actually in a satisfying relationship, as opposed to struggling to find one. There does seem to be something of a calming effect, in being   out of the trenches of what too often resembles war by other means, as opposed to being in the midst of the fray, as it were. Just a few thoughts; do carry on.

  13. 13
    Karl R

    Jennifer and AllHeart, (#9 & #12)
    Thank you for the compliment.
    Allheart said: (#12)
    “I also suggest, like all women, that while we can understand how men operate today, we can still demand they work on their own improvements and not tolerate crappy behavior from them.”
    You’re half right, and half wrong.
    You don’t have to tolerate crappy behavior. Evan and I would say that you shouldn’t tolerate crappy behavior. And if you encounter crappy behavior, both of us would recommend that you leave. (That’s the half you got right.)
    But you can’t demand anything from anyone (male or female). They either have to choose to provide it voluntarily, or you need to seek it somewhere else. This is particularly true when it comes to improvements. Unless it’s my idea to improve in an area, it’s unlikely that I’ll put in enough effort to show any progress. Therefore, it’s can be equally futile to suggest or request that someone make an improvement. Unless you can sell them on the idea, they’re still unlikely to put in enough effort.
    My wife, like every other person, is imperfect. Some of her imperfections are far easier to live with than others. But I can’t demand that she try to improve in those areas. It’s generally futile   to even request that she try to improve. If I do make those kind of requests (or demands), the most likely outcome is that I’ll piss her off.
    The best solution, and the only one I have complete control over, is for me to choose to accept her imperfections. In addition, it’s less stressful  (for me) if I choose that I won’t let these imperfections bother me. And that is a conscious choice that I make on a daily basis.
    If you are willing to accept more imperfections, you will find someone sooner. If you’re less willing to tolerate certain imperfections, it will take longer. And no matter how willing you are to tolerate someone’s imperfections, you can’t demand that they accept yours. Either they can, or you have to keep searching for someone else.
    It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or females, that advice is true for everyone.
    Gloria said: (#11)
    “My goal for 2014 is to get into the best shape I can get, and if I get male attention, tell them they are not well-dressed enough to talk to me”
    That reminds me of a time (when I was still single) when I looked my absolute worst. It was a week after a hurricane, so my electricity was still out. I’d just finished doing two back-to-back yoga classes (3 hours total), so I was all sweaty. I was wearing the clothes that I’d worn in class: a t-shirt that I’d owned for 15 years, and a pair of shorts that were too short & tight to be fashionable.
    I went into a diner to get coffee and brunch (since I couldn’t fix them at home), sat next to an attractive young lady from Buenos Aires, and struck up a conversation. By the end of brunch, I had her email address, an excuse to contact her, and a suggestion (from her) to get together from coffee sometime.
    If I were still single and living in Indiana, I would hope that I was dressed exactly like that the first time I met you. That would be far better than meeting you when I was wearing a good suit, a good shirt, one of my best ties and a brand-new pair of shoes.
    In the former case, I would end up with an amusing anecdote to tell my friends. In the latter case, I could end up dating someone who would later embarrass me in public by being rude to my friends, coworkers or acquaintances.
    Men who have dating experience aren’t afraid of rejection. It happens all the time. It’s much worse to end up in a relationship with someone who treats other people horribly.

  14. 14

    Evan, you teach around the theme of the things women sometimes do and think that are *wrong* in regards to men. You try to help women in this regard to help them grow. Would you have any doubt that women believe things men do or think can be wrong when it comes to them as well and that we also want men to grow? This doesn’t mean I think men are worse then women or any silly stuff like that. Of course we all want to be accepted for who we are. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have things to learn.
    I do know most men look at internet porn. As porn currently stands it is not healthy for men or for women. Perhaps if pornography turned into a more collaborative media that was equal parts *real* men (not porn producers that heavily sway the media from their cynical view point) and *real* women (not porn-stars that make their living/income catering to male fantasies) working together in a healthy way to create sex-positive representations of sex, it would be different. As it stands most porn is made for men, by other men and it’s heavily lays on themes that primarily cater to men’s pleasure first and most. Sex should be collaborative. I so very much believe in that. When you have to teach both adults and kids that what happens in porn doesn’t always feel good in real life for the participants (lets be honest usually the woman), that should tell us something important. We also need to be very careful in recognizing that porn is made for men, not for women in 99% of the cases.   Any media that gives way to one gender exercising stewardship over the other, whether it be men or women, always comes out poorer for it. Men and women need to be collaborative together. Have that kind of porn, and I might have less of a problem with it.  
    But please don’t mistake me. I do believe good men look at porn. Even “emotionally advanced” guys. Porn proves to be a huge weakness for all kinds of men. It spans social standing, income, job titles and families. That doesn’t mean I think men are doing right by themselves or women by looking at it though.  
    And I can accept men as they are and hope for a future that is healthier and brighter for both men and women. Accepting each other for who we, accepting ourselves for who we are. This doesn’t stop us from wanting better things for ourselves or for the people in our lives. That doesn’t stop us from wanting to be treated better.  
    Karl, of course you can’t *demand* anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Maybe I didn’t use the best word. I was only trying to express the fact that accepting someone for who they are can be done at the same time of realizing each other’s imperfections and ability to learn and grow. We can challenge ourselves to be better versions of ourselves in loving, open, vulnerable, supportive relationships. I will continue to fight for what I believe is good and justice in our treatment of each other even while I recognize where men and women both stand as it is *today*. Men have already come a long way. I see more and more challenging old stereotypes of themselves. I see more men at the park with their babies then was ever around my parent’s generation. I think men are beginning to unravel new and wonderful truths about themselves that were further suppressed by society and previous ideas of masculinity.  
    By the way, there is also a difference between accepting our partners for who they are and working for better social change for where we believe both men and women should be for a better quality of life.  
    There is also something key in knowing the things you can accept and the things you can’t accept. And that is something that is different for all of us as well.  

    1. 14.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I didn’t say men are perfect. I didn’t say men can’t stand to be more self-aware and grow and change. I only said that it is not my job to help men. Sounds to me like you’re using a lot of words to justify how men need to grow and change, in the name of a “better future”. I would sooner say, as a reality-based dating coach, that you should find a man who doesn’t have to change to make you happy. Pretty much every woman who is with a dissatisfying man is ONLY dissatisfied because she expects him to change.

  15. 15
    Equals a great woman!


  16. 16

    I read the Great Sexiness Experiment…the last picture cracked me up. The power of sex appeal! Here’s this model wearing a retainer, holding her cat, surrounded by mental illness and self-help books and men still find her sexy!…I think that women can really have some advantages in dating with the power of attraction. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. What I find most interesting about how I attract men in my life, at 32 years old and 230 pounds, is actually different than when I was thin and fit, because I got over my body image issues and I have come into ‘my own,’ as they say.  

    When I was fit, I had problems getting men. I have a ‘model face,’ (I’ve been told), and I would turn heads a lot, but I had a heck of a time getting dates! At that time I thought that not eating was the best way to go, and that if I wasn’t thin, no one would like me. The reality was I didn’t know how to simply love myself.

    Fast forward through a 90 pound weight gain…When I first gained weight, I was miserable. I stayed inside and every day, I would tell myself that…tomorrow I would start losing weight. It never happened. I yo-yoed 30 pounds all the time. I thought I could never get men because I had become what I had always feared: A FAT GIRL. I realized that if I was ever going to experience life again, I should just get over myself, and I did.

    Right now I feel like I’m on FIRE! Even just last week I was completely wasted at a bar and got hit on by 3 different men and one of them got my number! And he’s not a sleazy bar fly! (lol) I’ve been getting date after date and men who are interested in me, simply because I now have the missing ingredient of sex appeal: CONFIDENCE..(and they like my bedonkadonk butt). A really awesome bonus is that the guys who seem interested have the body types I like.

    Own yourself, love yourself, and no matter what you look like you attract men into your life who will appreciate you as you are right now. Shakin’ that booty helps too.


  17. 17

    It’s funny,    as I read this article I started questioning myself ‘why am I even reading an article about what makes a woman sexy to a man’? The population has been pumping along for ever (babies being made and all that) without men writing articles about what makes a woman hot, directions to keep him interested, who’s hot/not, how to understand a man etc etc. Got questions?   Look at the elderly who are still married – they just naturally got on with things. People don’t listen to wisdom of their elders instead they run to  younger less experienced people  .  I work with elderly people and can tell you their secrets for good relationships because I ask them. The men didn’t expect a  massive variety  of unattached  sexual experiences so consequently didn’t have an entitled attitude toward uncommitted sex and a list of conditions to meet that – ie. being fussy.  The women felt pretty secure with that arrangement and gave the men a lot of respect and sex in return within that attachment.  It’s not rocket science yet today  whole websites are devoted to ‘how to please a man / woman, how to keep them, how to be sexy, how to make her want you’ etc etc. I think women and men  are trying too hard because in their selfishness they’ve created new multiple sets of rules for attraction, connection and attachment. Time to sit back, be yourself and hopefully someone who hasn’t been sucked into this current complicated,  shallow but desperate social arrangement will be compatible because you make it work well.

    I did enjoy the article by the way, it just  got me thinking how different things are today to even when I got married 20 years ago – so many rules now, so much pressure to have some kind of ‘game’. I truly wish the best for each person and for them to relax off the rules a bit.  

    1. 17.1

      What you wrote makes so much sense. I think that too that in today’s climate the whole dynamic is changed and it seems like people have forgotten how to love anymore as theyre too busy loving themselves and giving into every temptation and vice there is. There’s no room for compromise or getting bored or missing out on anything that might come down the pike. The people who haven’t succumbed to this are the real keepers and gems in life.

  18. 18

    I think the reason men dont talk about the one or their wife is maybe out of respect. And maybe not wanting the other guys to be thinking about their woman in that way even though they probably do. I think if someone really loves you they probably tend to be more private or at least a little more tasteful. For some reason I’ve never cared about boyfriends or my niw husband looking at porn. Ive allways thought that was normal male behaviour and it never has made me jealous. It would only bother me if they were to blow money on it or cheat or have emotional affair with someone on line. Otherwise enjoy! Im allways mystified that this is an issue for some women even though I totally respect their feelings. If something bothers you it bothers you and so its a problem. I guess I’ve allways thought if that’s your only problem you’re doing good. But that’s just me.

    1. 18.1

      OMG J, you are so cool. You are an angel. Your husband must love you to pieces. If only all women thought like you…

      For the other women on this thread, some porn bimbo is no threat to you at all, provided the guy isn’t addicted to porn. It isn’t even a slight threat to your relationship at all. At all. Not even at the least. I know a girl who is a stripper and “acted” in one of these movies. Yes, we men are turned on by these women. Yes, we fantasize about them. But would I have a REAL relationship with one of these whores? Would I ever seriously date or wife up this stripper / “actress.” OMG no. Absolutely not. If I was in a relationship, would I leave my significant other for a relationship with one of these women. Absolutely not, how gross. I don’t want the mother of my children to be some chick like that. No way. Honestly, when I am in a relationship, I would rather have sex with my significant other but if she is not interested for one reason or another, then it is a substitute, although inferior to an actual woman.

  19. 19

    I am a widow, early fiftes, look much younger—size 4 unfortunately could not have children due to surgery at 18—my biggest dissapointment—but have been able to retain a perky 34c 26 36 bod. called attractive. I never saw porn till I was 50! First off, it really did not emerge till my late husband got cancer…He loved playboy and hustler and I know he watched some things but iyt never bothered me….at 50 I saw porn for the first time. I was immediatley hooked–for about a year and a half I watched porn daily sometimes for hours. I met a great man (only my second relationship as I married at 17—to a 23 year old and stayed married 32 years—w/out kids…my point is —women can easily get addicted to porn—it almost controlled my life! I cannot imagine seeing it as a teenager….my boyfriend now (I won’t marry again) got me off it—he said it was hurting me…it did not hurt my sexual appetite—luckily my boyfriend (10 months younger) is a dailey fun sex experimentl guy so I finally gave up porn. They last straw was when I brought a girl on girl video home for us to watch and he was disinterested–I said—I thought you would like it—he answered—maybe I would if YOU didn’t like it SO much—-before me he was an avid porn watcher—I am sure he watches a little here and there but my addiction to it really bothered him and we have sex at least once a day. I will say it again—WOMEN are more addicted to porn than you realize.

    1. 19.1


      Maybe, and that’s an interesting thought, but I wonder if it ever occurred to any of the ladies here, that one reasons we watch porn is simple; it’s called, rebellion, a/.k/a “You ain’t gonna tell me what to do!’. Think of it as like the way some of us respond to those “Honey-do” lists women are so fond of; the more you bitch, the more we want to watch; our way of asserting our freedom, even though we’re tied to you and actually want to be. After all, WE think it’s harmless (as I believe it is, when not carried to excess), and don’t understand why it apparently upsets YOU all that much. Besides, we learn in the courtship phase what caving into women’s demands too often usually gets us (and it frequently get us dumped); after a bit of that, our instinct is to dig in our heels; it’s easier, and experience with women has taught us it works better.

      1. 19.1.1

        I don’t want to get into the argument regarding porn specifically because it is up to each individual to determine their  comfort level/dealbreaker status.


        Re: Rebellion.   Nothing screams “I love my partner and want them to feel secure in our relationship” like continuing to do something that you KNOW makes them uncomfortable.

  20. 20


    Perhaps, but consider this, if you are so insecure that you think your partner prefers a female porn star to you, just how attractive do you think that level of insecurity is? If I’m not threatened by a woman’s “celebrity crushes:” (and I’m not) why would I even be in a relationship with a partner that insecure in the first place? I see a level of insecurity like that, and I’m gone before that relationship ever gets off the ground; I quit trying to rescue insecure, immature, “damsels in distress” a long time ago.

    It’s almost inevitable that in any relationship, both partners are going to have habits that grate on the other. The way to handle those, is to negotiate what we can, and learn to bite our   tongue and ignore the rest. It’s not really all that difficult. I assume women hate being nagged; I can guarantee that men do. My patience with nagging is limited, just like my patience with female venting; I’ll put up with a certain amount of it; after that…I am not your girlfriend. I’m convinced a lot of the nagging over porn is simply societally-inspired carping for the sake of carping; women seem to feel some need to do that. I daresay I’m far from the only man who feels that way, so women need to decide, whether that sort of petty grievance is worth damaging a relationship. I fail to understand the near-universal female compulsion to change or “reform” men; we are men, not your latest science project! You all want the alpha wolf…then, you want to “tame him”? Of course, when you do that, he’s no longer a wolf. I don’t care to hear any talk about “male ego” from any woman so egotistical that her satisfaction depends upon remaking a man (who she supposedly “loves”), in the supposed “perfection” of her own image. From where I sit, that’s arrogant, condescending, and insulting; you had as well spit in my face, as attempt to do that. “I want you but not the way you are”? If we felt that way about you, we wouldn’t even be with you to begin with!

    Women may have more options, but quality men have a few options too. You’d all do well to remember that. You want a man to sit up and beg, roll over, and jump through hoops, and crawl before you like some sniveling little lap dog just begging to please you? You can find plenty of those; the world is full of beta males crawling on their bellies, tail tucked meekly between their legs, the better to cover their missing sack. You want a wolf? You can get that too; the difference is, that with a real one, what you see, is what you get; affectionate enough, but not quite so pliable, more “take it or leave it”. You decide which you want, because you damn sure can’t have both, except in your fantasies.

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