You know how it feels. You’re on a first date and he’s looking at you with stars in his eyes. He’s telling you how attracted he is. How strongly he feels. How you could be the one. He wants to know if you’re seeing anybody else.
And you’re like, “Um, can I just eat my Caesar salad first?”
Why would an otherwise normal, well-adjusted man turn into a puppy dog the second he’s around you?
Watch this video and you’ll see – it may not be attractive, but it’s pretty darned common to lose your cool when you’re smitten.
It’s a great pity that both men and women don’t realise how overwhelming and counterproductive it is to be too forward and excited about someone when you hardly know each other. I have to admit, I’ve never tried having the conversation you suggest in the video where you ask him to slow down a bit – I guess I worry guys will see it as rejection and won’t take it well? I would hope that the majority would see the common sense in what you’re saying.
It’s so true that when you meet someone you really like it’s hard to keep your enthusiasm in check. I felt that way when I met the guy I’m dating now. It felt as if the heavens opened and angels had come down and were singing in my ears. I felt as if the world had exploded into sunshine and rainbows. That’s how much I liked him when I met him.
But I think it was all the more reason why I forced myself to keep myself in check. I forced myself to play it open and happy, but cool. I forced myself to be patient and take things slowly and at an organic pace, even though it sometimes took every ounce of self-control that I had. More than a month later, I’m very glad I did, because things are going very well.
1.1
Emily, the original
Clare,
But I think it was all the more reason why I forced myself to keep myself in check. I forced myself to play it open and happy, but cool. I forced myself to be patient and take things slowly and at an organic pace, even though it sometimes took every ounce of self-control that I had.
Because that’s what people who are over the age of 30 do. 🙂 Most know by then that going after someone like a freight train will scare the shit out of them and can devalue you in the other person’s eyes.
1.1.1
Clare
Emily,
YES! Thank God for dating over the age of 30. It’s such a bitter-sweet fact that most of us mellow into much more normal people once we get out of our 20s.
You eventually come to the realisation that no amount of liking a person justifies texting and phoning him or her multiple times a day when you have just met and having a “where is this relationship going?” conversation on date 2 or 3.
You eventually realise that playing it cool and acting like a normal person makes you more attractive to the other person. (Earth-shattering, I know.)
…
Marika
Do you think? I feel for the guys…woman have some (non refined) version of ‘play it cool’/ mirroring/ don’t be too keen etc.. drummed into us. Yes, we get excited and don’t always follow it..but guys are supposed to pursue.. but in a cool way and not too much etc.. it’s tricky for them, esp when they are keen.
I find it a bit much when guys over-text & over-communicate and want too much too soon. But I get it. And in some ways it’s nice. Unless it’s aggressive or sulky.
I’m not sure it’s an age thing. We all get a bit carried away when we really like someone 🙂
…
Clare
Marika,
Yes, I get it too.
And no one ever really defines what “playing it cool” means… and also, this changes from situation to situation. Some people really seem to enjoy it when someone expresses their interest (actually this is most people, I think) so I actually think a level of enthusiasm is really good and healthy.
I just mean, for me, I tended to go a bit overboard when I was a lot younger (and I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of this). I think showing your interest and being warm and enthusiastic and keeping in contact is a great thing – so maybe “playing it cool” is not the best expression. I really just meant “acting normal.” Few people are turned off by just a warm, normal level of interest.
But I mean excessive texting and phoning and TOO much enthusiasm when you’ve only just met is a turn-off. There’s no denying that. I think that’s what Evan was talking about in this video. Someone who wants to have the “where is this relationship going” talk and lock you down in the first couple of dates. Someone who texts and phones multiple times a day in the early stages and clings onto you like a limpet. No matter how much you might understand why someone does that, that kind of thing still has to stop. And the person needs to learn that eventually. Unless they meet someone who actually likes that, I guess.
I certainly am not harsh towards guys who are too overenthusiastic – I am as gentle as possible. But really clingy, needy behaviour is off-putting to most people, and not an effective way to date. That’s just a reality. I’m not for playing hard to get or withholding your interest, but I am for normal behaviour.
…
Yet Another Guy
@Marika
but guys are supposed to pursue.. but in a cool way and not too much etc.. it’s tricky for them, esp when they are keen.
You have no idea as to how difficult that tightrope is to walk. Play it too cool, and a woman wonders if a man is into her. Pursue too hard, and a woman runs away. The problem is that playing it too cool and pursuing too hard varies from woman to woman. I feel for guys who are not good at reading body language.
…
Emily, the original
Marika,
I find it a bit much when guys over-text & over-communicate and want too much too soon. But I get it. And in some ways it’s nice. Unless it’s aggressive or sulky.
The problem with going overboard in the beginning is that the person on the receiving end questions whether the other person is really into them … or does this with everyone. Some people do. It’s best to hang back a little at the start (show interest, but don’t go overboard), and most people discover that as they get a little older because they’ve watched as the receiving party backs up out of the room if it’s too much. It’s like learning that it’s best to temper the opinions you express at work with a LOT of diplomacy after you’ve been too honest in the past and it wasn’t well received.
…
Clare
Emily,
“It’s best to hang back a little at the start (show interest, but don’t go overboard), and most people discover that as they get a little older because they’ve watched as the receiving party backs up out of the room if it’s too much.”
Agree 100%.
And I’ve also watched and cringed as friends of mine have made this mistake. It’s not the enthusiasm itself which is the problem – it’s just the inability to hold it in check – like unpopular political opinions, as Emily said.
One (female) friend of mine is particularly bad at this, and I just shake my head. She doesn’t seem to learn. She expects too much from a guy too soon. It’s not that she’s wrong for getting excited about someone she likes, or for feeling insecure that things might not work out… but the way she acts on these feelings and tries to get the guy to reassure her doesn’t work in her favour.
Her latest experience was with asking a guy whom she’s met *once* if they could date exclusively. He lives a couple of hours away and they talk on the phone a lot. He has just backed out of tentative plans that they had to spend a few days together in December, which she pushed him to make. This is a classic case of wanting too much too soon… It feels too much for the other person AND sets you up for disappointment. You’ve kind of got to think *if* things work out, you’ll have plenty of time for that later. But in the meantime, just slow things down…
…
Emily, the original
Clare,
And I’ve also watched and cringed as friends of mine have made this mistake
Me, too. I had friend who had a tentative lunch date with a guy. It would have been a first date. The day arrived and she hadn’t heard from him about where and when. She hadn’t heard from him at all, and she wondered if she should text him. NO, I said. But there’s not a woman on the planet who hasn’t done too much and then watched in horror as the guy went poof … or had already gone poof and she was trying not to notice. 🙂
1.2
Emily, the original
Clare,
“I felt that way when I met the guy I’m dating now. It felt as if the heavens opened and angels had come down and were singing in my ears. I felt as if the world had exploded into sunshine and rainbows. That’s how much I liked him when I met him.”
This description gives me hope. 🙂 Keep us posted.
1.2.1
Clare
Emily,
“Keep us posted.”
So far so good. He met my best friend on Friday 🙂
2
Marika
Hi Emily
I think for me it’s that I worry I’ll spend my life apologising…for not getting back to them quickly enough, or not being free or forgetting to call or whatever.
I see men of all ages acting this way though. And I’m just as likely to over analyze everything as I ever was, if I really like them. I am probably better at hiding it now , though.
Hopefully one day that maturity thing you speak of will kick in 😂
3
Suzanne
The best way to play it cool is to continue living your life. Don’t give up time with friends, advancement in your job, trips, time with family or kids because you met someone you like. Most of the dates you go on will just be temporary people in your life. Keep doing your own thing while dating.
I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I understand the whole cavemen instinct, but what I don’t understand…
Hi Evan, I love your blog and Why He Disappeared. It can be a tough pill to swallow at times, but I appreciate your no-nonsense advice. I’ve had to learn…
As you may know, before I became a dating coach, I was a prolific online dater. I tried every site around, starting in the late 90’s. Matchmaker.com. Nerve.com. JDate.com. Match.com.…
“You opened my eyes to the fact that my boyfriend left because he didn’t love me unconditionally.”
I am in such a better place today because of your insights and inspirational guidance. I was so stuck on getting him back, but now I realize that I don’t want him back! I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, no matter what.
"Thank you for what you do, Evan."
Here's the deal. I read your blog - I devour your newsletters. I've learned so much about men (and myself) through the process.
"I cannot say enough good things about this man."
He is a beautiful person and he is so generous, affectionate, well spoken and accomplished. He is tall and athletic and totally hot. He is 53, but I am here to tell you 53 can be pretty damn impressive. All this from a woman who a year before had equated dating with despair, rejection and pain.
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Evan,
This video is great! It’s adorable.
It’s a great pity that both men and women don’t realise how overwhelming and counterproductive it is to be too forward and excited about someone when you hardly know each other. I have to admit, I’ve never tried having the conversation you suggest in the video where you ask him to slow down a bit – I guess I worry guys will see it as rejection and won’t take it well? I would hope that the majority would see the common sense in what you’re saying.
It’s so true that when you meet someone you really like it’s hard to keep your enthusiasm in check. I felt that way when I met the guy I’m dating now. It felt as if the heavens opened and angels had come down and were singing in my ears. I felt as if the world had exploded into sunshine and rainbows. That’s how much I liked him when I met him.
But I think it was all the more reason why I forced myself to keep myself in check. I forced myself to play it open and happy, but cool. I forced myself to be patient and take things slowly and at an organic pace, even though it sometimes took every ounce of self-control that I had. More than a month later, I’m very glad I did, because things are going very well.
Clare,
But I think it was all the more reason why I forced myself to keep myself in check. I forced myself to play it open and happy, but cool. I forced myself to be patient and take things slowly and at an organic pace, even though it sometimes took every ounce of self-control that I had.
Because that’s what people who are over the age of 30 do. 🙂 Most know by then that going after someone like a freight train will scare the shit out of them and can devalue you in the other person’s eyes.
Emily,
YES! Thank God for dating over the age of 30. It’s such a bitter-sweet fact that most of us mellow into much more normal people once we get out of our 20s.
You eventually come to the realisation that no amount of liking a person justifies texting and phoning him or her multiple times a day when you have just met and having a “where is this relationship going?” conversation on date 2 or 3.
You eventually realise that playing it cool and acting like a normal person makes you more attractive to the other person. (Earth-shattering, I know.)
Do you think? I feel for the guys…woman have some (non refined) version of ‘play it cool’/ mirroring/ don’t be too keen etc.. drummed into us. Yes, we get excited and don’t always follow it..but guys are supposed to pursue.. but in a cool way and not too much etc.. it’s tricky for them, esp when they are keen.
I find it a bit much when guys over-text & over-communicate and want too much too soon. But I get it. And in some ways it’s nice. Unless it’s aggressive or sulky.
I’m not sure it’s an age thing. We all get a bit carried away when we really like someone 🙂
Marika,
Yes, I get it too.
And no one ever really defines what “playing it cool” means… and also, this changes from situation to situation. Some people really seem to enjoy it when someone expresses their interest (actually this is most people, I think) so I actually think a level of enthusiasm is really good and healthy.
I just mean, for me, I tended to go a bit overboard when I was a lot younger (and I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of this). I think showing your interest and being warm and enthusiastic and keeping in contact is a great thing – so maybe “playing it cool” is not the best expression. I really just meant “acting normal.” Few people are turned off by just a warm, normal level of interest.
But I mean excessive texting and phoning and TOO much enthusiasm when you’ve only just met is a turn-off. There’s no denying that. I think that’s what Evan was talking about in this video. Someone who wants to have the “where is this relationship going” talk and lock you down in the first couple of dates. Someone who texts and phones multiple times a day in the early stages and clings onto you like a limpet. No matter how much you might understand why someone does that, that kind of thing still has to stop. And the person needs to learn that eventually. Unless they meet someone who actually likes that, I guess.
I certainly am not harsh towards guys who are too overenthusiastic – I am as gentle as possible. But really clingy, needy behaviour is off-putting to most people, and not an effective way to date. That’s just a reality. I’m not for playing hard to get or withholding your interest, but I am for normal behaviour.
@Marika
but guys are supposed to pursue.. but in a cool way and not too much etc.. it’s tricky for them, esp when they are keen.
You have no idea as to how difficult that tightrope is to walk. Play it too cool, and a woman wonders if a man is into her. Pursue too hard, and a woman runs away. The problem is that playing it too cool and pursuing too hard varies from woman to woman. I feel for guys who are not good at reading body language.
Marika,
I find it a bit much when guys over-text & over-communicate and want too much too soon. But I get it. And in some ways it’s nice. Unless it’s aggressive or sulky.
The problem with going overboard in the beginning is that the person on the receiving end questions whether the other person is really into them … or does this with everyone. Some people do. It’s best to hang back a little at the start (show interest, but don’t go overboard), and most people discover that as they get a little older because they’ve watched as the receiving party backs up out of the room if it’s too much. It’s like learning that it’s best to temper the opinions you express at work with a LOT of diplomacy after you’ve been too honest in the past and it wasn’t well received.
Emily,
“It’s best to hang back a little at the start (show interest, but don’t go overboard), and most people discover that as they get a little older because they’ve watched as the receiving party backs up out of the room if it’s too much.”
Agree 100%.
And I’ve also watched and cringed as friends of mine have made this mistake. It’s not the enthusiasm itself which is the problem – it’s just the inability to hold it in check – like unpopular political opinions, as Emily said.
One (female) friend of mine is particularly bad at this, and I just shake my head. She doesn’t seem to learn. She expects too much from a guy too soon. It’s not that she’s wrong for getting excited about someone she likes, or for feeling insecure that things might not work out… but the way she acts on these feelings and tries to get the guy to reassure her doesn’t work in her favour.
Her latest experience was with asking a guy whom she’s met *once* if they could date exclusively. He lives a couple of hours away and they talk on the phone a lot. He has just backed out of tentative plans that they had to spend a few days together in December, which she pushed him to make. This is a classic case of wanting too much too soon… It feels too much for the other person AND sets you up for disappointment. You’ve kind of got to think *if* things work out, you’ll have plenty of time for that later. But in the meantime, just slow things down…
Clare,
And I’ve also watched and cringed as friends of mine have made this mistake
Me, too. I had friend who had a tentative lunch date with a guy. It would have been a first date. The day arrived and she hadn’t heard from him about where and when. She hadn’t heard from him at all, and she wondered if she should text him. NO, I said. But there’s not a woman on the planet who hasn’t done too much and then watched in horror as the guy went poof … or had already gone poof and she was trying not to notice. 🙂
Clare,
“I felt that way when I met the guy I’m dating now. It felt as if the heavens opened and angels had come down and were singing in my ears. I felt as if the world had exploded into sunshine and rainbows. That’s how much I liked him when I met him.”
This description gives me hope. 🙂 Keep us posted.
Emily,
“Keep us posted.”
So far so good. He met my best friend on Friday 🙂
Hi Emily
I think for me it’s that I worry I’ll spend my life apologising…for not getting back to them quickly enough, or not being free or forgetting to call or whatever.
I see men of all ages acting this way though. And I’m just as likely to over analyze everything as I ever was, if I really like them. I am probably better at hiding it now , though.
Hopefully one day that maturity thing you speak of will kick in 😂
The best way to play it cool is to continue living your life. Don’t give up time with friends, advancement in your job, trips, time with family or kids because you met someone you like. Most of the dates you go on will just be temporary people in your life. Keep doing your own thing while dating.