I've been a dating coach since 2003.
I've been a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women since 2010.
The only reason I focused on that very specific demographic is because they comprised 80% of my audience. I didn't seek them. They found me, and I catered my offerings to empower them to understand men and make healthier relationship choices.
I get a lot of pushback from women who bristle at what I do. Their main complaint: MEN ARE THE PROBLEM. STOP TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO DIFFERENTLY.
My reply is always the same: you'll have a much greater success by changing your own beliefs, actions and reactions than by trying to change the male gender.
I mean that - but that doesn't mean that men are off the hook, by any stretch of the imagination. A huge part of my business is simply telling women to avoid men who don't treat them with proper respect and invest time only in relationship-oriented guys.
You'll have a much greater success by changing your own beliefs, actions and reactions than by trying to change the male gender.
Does that leave a lot fewer men in the dating pool? Sure does. But there's no point in trying to convince a man who doesn't want to get married that he should or trying to convince a guy who thinks you should sleep with him on the first date that he should court you properly. Just throw those fish back in the sea.
Which is why I was heartened to read this blog post from Matt Walsh. In it, he implores men to "man up" and court women properly, with intention.
"If you’re hanging out with a woman and you feel like you might be into her, tell her. Call her on the phone. Take her out on a date. Say the words: “I’d like to take you out.” No ambiguity. Plan the date yourself. Women want you to be decisive. Lose the whole “so waddaya wanna do tonight?” schtick. Take charge. Pick her up at 7. Pay for the meal. Have a conversation with her. Go mini golfing or something. Go somewhere. Open the door for her. Put your phone away. Open up to her. Share your ideas, your dreams, your fears. Get to know her. Pursue her. Pursue her. Invest yourself in the process, as scary and unsure as it may seem. Take a risk, gentlemen. Go out on a limb for once. Be purposeful. Be desirable. Be a man."
No argument here. If my business was to give advice to men, that's what I'd be telling them. There is so little competition from men out there that it's easy to stand out just by being a good guy who takes control, follows through, and does what he says.
Now the reason I don't post things like this more is because there's nothing for women to learn from "Yes! Men need to change!" You know what I mean? It may be true, it may be validating, but it's not useful or transformational.
Your big takeaway from this is simply that you should hold out for a man who does (most of) the right things. If he doesn't do the right things, he's not your man.