If you are a mainstream media consumer like I am, you may be familiar with the New York Times op-ed section. I’ve been reading it for years, and although I am avowedly liberal, David Brooks, a moderate conservative, is my favorite columnist. Mainly because he writes columns like these:

Brooks is well-read. He’s a thinker. And he’s about as close to a philosopher as you’re going to get in political media. He really tries hard to weigh both sides of an issue and see things from all perspectives. This is the very thing I aspire to on this blog – and frequently fall short. Brooks divides writers into two categories: engaged and detached.

I’m not pulling for men; I’m helping you understand them.

“The engaged writer closely and intimately aligns with a team. In his writing, he provides arguments for the party faithful and builds community by reminding everyone of the errors and villainy of the opposing side. For the engaged writer, the writing is often not about persuasion. (Realistically, how many times does a piece of writing persuade someone to switch sides?) It’s often about mobilization. It’s about energizing the people who already agree with you. The detached writer wants to be a few steps away from the partisans. She is progressive but not Democratic, conservative but not Republican. She fears the team mentality will blinker her views. She wants to remain mentally independent because she sees politics as a competition between partial truths, and she wants the liberty to find the proper balance between them, issue by issue.”

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Evan,
I have a lot of male friends who are currently dissatisfied with their relationships. They tell me how they’re sure the girl is not “the one” and how certain things just really bother them. Yet, for some reason, they do not leave…even after communicating their dissatisfaction and attempting to fix problems to no avail. This seems to be some sort of phenomenon that both men and women succumb to. However, my question is if a man’s reasons for staying until you just can’t take it any more are similar to that of a woman’s. Why on earth are my friends staying with women they feel they are merely settling for? Why not just move on when you know it’s not the right fit? –Yuri

I can write a novel about this subject, but first I want to ask you a question, Yuri.

Why don’t you ask your friends?

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The old stereotype where the man wants sex and the woman says she has a headache/stomachache/early day tomorrow might not be as accurate as you think. Seems men are turning women down, too.

An article by a female author in GQ explores this idea.

She writes, “To be fair (and painfully obvious): Men are human, too. You guys have feelings and problems and hungers that sometimes take precedence over boning. Maybe you had too many beers and are experiencing acute alcohol-related performance anxiety. Or maybe your not-in-the-moodness has to do with something bigger: the ubiquity of porn—effortlessly consumed like a drive-through value meal—or some existential male malaise that Zach Braff will surely explore in his next movie.”

Or, as is much more likely, we’re just tired and not particularly inspired to do the exact same thing to the exact same person again. Steak is great. You just wouldn’t want to eat it every single night. You know what I’m saying?

The author accidentally stumbles into an excellent point: the idea that, since it doesn’t cost a guy very much and it keeps you happy, he should just get it up and please you. “Just try saying yes to us more often. Even if you’re a little tired. Even if Mumford & Sons are doing that namby-pamby forest jig thing you like so much on Fallon. (DVR, dude.) We’ll be happier, so by Newton’s Law of Relationships, you will be, too. And I also can pretty much guarantee you won’t regret getting busy, either. It’s not a trip to the dentist’s chair, it’s sex.”

Amen. Apply that exact same “just say yes” advice to women who aren’t in the mood and we’ll have a lot more happy marriages.

Read the piece here and please share your comments below.

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Hi Evan,

I started dating this guy (met online) about 6 weeks ago. Our first date was one of those dates where we just kept talking and even though we met early, we ended up closing the bar (I only had 2 drinks!). He followed-up the next day, and secured the 2nd date w/in 2 days for the following weekend. Skip a few dates, we sleep together.

After that happened, on our next date (which was a really romantic restaurant here in LA), I told him I need to know for my own health and safety that this is monogamous. He assured me it was. Fast forward 3 more weeks, he’s been swamped with work (high powered attorney at huge firm) and our dates have become more like hang outs, and not as scheduled/formal due to his 100 hour work weeks. He calls me one night (we’d been communicating every day via phone/text) and says that a friend is coming to town this coming weekend who he has hooked up with before and staying with him (this the man who is too busy to hang out the previous weekend). He went on to say that because he likes me and respects me, he wants to tell me this might happen again. I brought up the monogamous conversation and he said “I said it was monogamous unless I was going to sleep with someone else”. For one, BULL, I would have never continued that dinner if he said that.

However, am I in the wrong for telling him to lose my number and have a nice life? I’m of the mind-frame that if a guy likes you, he only sleeps with you. Apparently this girl’s trip was planned prior to our meeting. However since we aren’t official bf/gf, did I over-react? Should I respect that he told me beforehand? If she was planning on coming this whole time, why did he take me on such nice dates, meet my friends, and invite me to a wedding in 2 months?

Thanks in advance!

What could he possibly have meant otherwise? He was monogamous while his penis was in you, but was a free agent once he took it out?

Jenn

Leave it to a lawyer to parse the definition of monogamy.

Your question is particularly interesting for two reasons:

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My friend, Christan Marashio, also known as Moxie on her blog “And That’s Why You’re Single”, wrote a compelling first-person piece on what happened when she expanded her search on OkCupid to include casual sex.

Of course, the predictable responses rolled in: pervy, skeevy, tone-deaf guys giving their most forthright pitch, to no avail.

What you probably wouldn’t expect as a woman – what I already know as a man – is that just because a man is interested in casual sex doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ONLY interested in casual sex.

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Hi Evan,

I’m worried that if I can’t move past this and concentrate on the present that it will doom our relationship. Thanks. –Ava

Oh, Ava,

Let’s just imagine what it would look like if men judged my smart, strong, successful clients for their previous relationship.

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I sent this article to my intern. She set it up on the blog with the title “Study Shows Fathers Spend 50% Less Time on Parenting”.

I’m telling you this because it’s a fascinating microcosm of how statistics can be used to illustrate almost anything, depending on your perspective.

While more women are working full-time than ever before, that does NOT mean that this is what most women actually WANT.

The REAL reason I posted this article, of course, was not to illustrate that Moms are better than Dads at child-rearing – what constructive good could come out of that?

I posted this piece from Pew Social Trends to reveal that, in general, men and women have different thoughts about what they want their domestic lives to look like.

For example, “While a nearly equal share of mothers and fathers say they wish they could be at home raising their children rather than working, dads are much more likely than moms to say they want to work full time. And when it comes to what they value most in a job, working fathers place more importance on having a high-paying job, while working mothers are more concerned with having a flexible schedule.”

It’s important to emphasize this. While more women are working full-time than ever before, that does NOT mean that this is what most women actually WANT.

“Only 16% of adults say the ideal situation for a young child is to have a mother who works full time. A plurality of adults (42%) say mothers working part time is ideal, and one-third say it’s best for young children if their mothers do not work at all outside of the home.”

While my intern put the emphasis of the article on statistics like this: “Analysis shows that fathers devote significantly less time than mothers to child care (an average of seven hours per week for fathers, compared with 14 hours per week for mothers),” such statistics are incredibly misleading about the larger trends, which show that men are doing nearly three times more childcare than they were in 1965 and two and half times more housework, while working almost the same number of hours.

As for women, they’re doing 14 hours LESS housework and putting those hours instead towards PAID work, something that was far rarer in 1965.

The real fact is that, in order to have a successful partnership, SOMEONE has to work less and take care of the house and kids. And if you’re a career woman who does not want to take her foot off the gas, god bless you. No one is judging. It just means you’d better find a man who is willing to work part-time to handle domestic duties.

Or marry really rich, which is what most of my clients are still trying to do.

Read the report here and share your thoughts below.

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Evan,
I’ve been dating this guy for the past four months. I am 26 and he is 38. We met on Match.com. Both of us are divorced with no kids. We were both in relationships with someone who treated us like we were worthless. Because of that we both have a hard time trusting that the other isn’t going to be like our ex. I have been divorced for over four years. He, on the other hand, has only been divorced for about nine months. I am his first serious relationship since his divorce. He is not my first serious – I’ve had a couple since my divorce. I am not in this to fall in love and get married right away – I am in this to have a companion. Someone to enjoy spending time with and get to know and see where it might go in a few years.

When our relationship started out, it was great! We enjoyed each other’s company, always laughed, had plenty to talk about. Due to the past couple of relationships I have been in, I took my time to get to know this one. It took me over two months to get comfortable enough with him to feel like he could be someone worth pursuing. But it seemed that as soon as I got on board, he stepped off the boat. He has been distant, doesn’t chat as much, doesn’t come around as much.

We’ve had a couple conversations about it. Each time he says he has hit a brick wall. He’s admitted to being afraid that I am going to turn out like his ex. He wants to go out and do things with his friends and things he enjoys, and he thinks I will be upset about it. I told him as long as he makes time for me too, I am fine with him wanting to have his own life. I told him the other night that if he just doesn’t want to be with me, he needs to tell me and let me go. He said that he wants to be with me, but also wants to be able to do his own thing. So how do I get this guy on board again? How do I prove to him that I am not going to turn out like his ex? And most importantly, how do I trust that he isn’t just dragging me along as just a spare time girl? –Jennifer

I have one overriding dating philosophy: Relationships are easy.

Dear Jennifer,

I have one overriding dating philosophy:

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Just thought I’d share this sweet letter from John Steinbeck to his teenage son who fell in love in boarding school.

It’s not long, but it’s wise. Especially the last line:

“And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”

If he disappeared, he is, by definition, NOT your future husband, and the relationship is probably not as good as you thought.

I’m no John Steinbeck, but that’s the central premise of my book, “Why He Disappeared”.

If he disappeared, he is, by definition, NOT your future husband, and the relationship is probably not as good as you thought.

Click here to learn how to get over your disappearing guy and make healthier decisions with men.

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Evan,

My guy has two groups of friends. The first group is nice, fun guys that are family-oriented and career-focused. The second group are single guys that love partying, womanizing and going to strip clubs. Of course it’s the single guys that are always calling him to go out, planning trips to Vegas and encouraging him to not settle down.

How do I be the cool accepting girlfriend when I know this second group of guys aren’t supportive of our relationship and would encourage and probably even turn a blind eye if he were to ever cross the line with another woman? I know that some of these single guys have cheated on their girlfriends and I’ve read that men who hang around cheaters are more likely to cheat. What should I do? –Christina

Dear Christina,

If he’s the kind of guy who finds cheating abhorrent, there’s nothing his cheating friends can do to “make him” become unfaithful.

There’s some super-important information left out of your email, my friend.

Namely: how old is your boyfriend? How long have you been together? Has he told you he loves you? Has he intimated that marriage and children are in his future?

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