How Long Should I Wait for Chemistry to Develop?

woman ignoring a guy

Dear Evan,

I have read through over 40 pages of archives from your blog, and I can’t find the answer to this one. I’ve been dating a guy (for a month). He really likes me a lot and has been clear about that. And he is great: cute, smart, successful, shares my religion and interests, we both value family a lot, and he is treating me like gold. Doing everything you say a “boyfriend” should. Texting, calling when he says he will. Wanting to see me. Hell, he even texts when he is running late. From what I am reading in your blog, I’m supposed to be happy with this guy. You want me to realize how great he is.

But I feel like I should look forward to seeing him more. I just feel so blah about the whole thing. Like the idea of him is better than the actual person. But he has all these great qualities. I should point out that I’m young (25) and attractive. I just feel like everything in your blog tells me to keep seeing this guy. Where is the line? Because part of me wants to give it time knowing he’s a good one, and part of me says if all I can say in this email is that he’s “great” but I can’t talk about how I actually feel about him…what’s the point? —TJ

Dear TJ,

Thanks for the important question, and for giving me a platform to clear up some misconceptions about what I teach.

For those of you who are new to this blog, one of my pet topics is the concept that chemistry is all too often an illusion. Of course, it’s still a wonderful feeling, but life experience and science have taught us a few things about chemistry.

Chemistry allows us to sweep under the rug the fact that he’s a selfish asshole or that she’s a crazy bitch.

1) Chemistry is temporary. Usually, chemistry lasts from 1  ½ to 3 years before it wears off. Soon, the person who was the “9” becomes a “6”. At this point, many women become disillusioned with their partners, even though all it means is that you’re finally seeing him clearly.

2) Chemistry is dangerous. When you’re under the influence of chemistry, you are under the influence of hormones that act like drugs. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, high highs, low lows, the feeling of obsessive longing…it’s all quite unhealthy. And what most of us have discovered is that because of the intensity of these feelings, you may completely end up ignoring your partner’s bad qualities.

Chemistry allows us to sweep under the rug the fact that he’s a selfish asshole or that she’s a crazy bitch…and later justify this behavior and fight to stay in broken relationships that make us unhappy.

This is why I have long advocated putting compatibility up on the same pedestal as chemistry, and perhaps elevate it even higher.

Simply put:

A relationship with a 7 chemistry and a 10 compatibility is a happy marriage.

A relationship with a 10 chemistry and a 3 compatibility is going to make you miserable.

Now, where readers have twisted my words — annoyingly, repeatedly — is by suggesting that I’ve somehow told you to give up on chemistry.

Feel free to comb through 800 blog posts and 41,000 comments over six years. I have never said this — or even suggested it. Never.

Yet somehow, many readers seem to struggle with the concept of a nuanced world, instead of a black and white one where a man is either your instant soulmate or a complete turnoff.

Which brings us back to TJ, our original poster:

You’ve got a guy who seems like a great guy and is doing everything right on paper. You think my advice is telling you to keep him when you don’t want to keep him.

Not true.

You need to have a personal chemistry with your partner. You need to fundamentally enjoy being together. You need to feel like you can relax around him and be your best self.

If you’re merely tolerating him, rather than enjoying him, you’re wasting both his time and your time. Dump him and move on.

Similarly, if there’s no physical chemistry — meaning, anything less than a 5 or a 6 in that department — cut him loose.

You shouldn’t need to get drunk to kiss him. You shouldn’t force yourself into believing that he’s cute because he’s nice. You need to have some spark to start — and that spark usually grows over time after you come to love the guy.

So those are two reasons — lack of a basic personal and physical chemistry — that you should break up with a perfectly nice person.

Yet there’s one big reason to keep a guy you’re not obsessed with:

If you’re merely tolerating him, rather than enjoying him, you’re wasting both his time and your time.

Your expectations of chemistry are way off.

In other words, you can have an amazing marriage to a man even if you don’t obsess about him, miss him mournfully while he’s gone for a few hours, or be positive he’s your soulmate.

That stuff means nothing. It wears off. It’s distracting.

Relevant story: I was with my wife for nearly 2 years when we got married. If she sadly left me at the altar, I’d be devastated, but I would have recovered. After all, I saw her 3 times a week. We didn’t live together. I’d survived happily for 36 years without her; I would have been able to put things back together in due time.

4 years and 2 kids later, my love for my wife is so much deeper and meaningful. Frankly, I have trouble surviving a few days without her. I’d be 100% lost if she were to leave. THIS is love. That passion most couples feel for the first 18 months? It’s closer to obsession, hope and fantasy. Reality is when the passion fades and you start building a life together.

So what are you to do, TJ? Since you seem pretty ambivalent about him and you’re pretty young, it seems to me you have your answer.

It’s far better to be single than to be in a dissatisfying relationship.

Still, that goes for someone at any age.

My 62-year-old mom married a man who was kind and generous to the core, but she wasn’t attracted to him, didn’t respect him, and didn’t laugh with him. She married him just because he was a good person. The marriage lasted less than two years. As much as I stress comfort, some marriages should never happen at all.

I hope this clarifies — for all of you — what you should and should not experience with a romantic partner: a basic level of personal and physical chemistry, a realistic view on that person’s strengths and weaknesses, and a belief that although you’ve been more wildly attracted to other people before, you’ve never had a better relationship in your entire life. That’s why you lock it in.

That’s what I did.

I only hope you can experience this feeling as well; but it starts with finding someone whose company you really enjoy, not someone whose company you merely tolerate.

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  1. 1

    This is a great post that clarifies an issue that I had also wondered about. You hear so many people who think women are supposed to be in a relationship with someone just because they’re nice to you and are commitment minded. Well yes, those are non-negotiables, but it’s a little more complicated than that. If you are looking for someone to spend your life with, you damn well need to enjoy their company day after day. They don’t need to be good looking, but you need to feel happy with their face, and their touch. They should add to your life. If you can’t find that, it’s better to be single. In this case, I’d still give the guy a little longer than a month to make sure – it doesn’t sound like you think he’s awful, just ok.

    1. 1.1
      Lowflyin Lolana

      Here’s the thing….even if you do like their company, not being physically attracted may not work for you. It didn’t for me.   I like everything about my ex and he’s an amazing and wonderful person. I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that happened when he moved in with me after running out of money. That was temporary and he more than paid me back after he went back to work.   However, I found myself living with someone when I really wasn’t ready, and it wasn’t easy to end then. Also I didn’t want to be alone, was 34, and most of my friends had already coupled up. I thought, at that point, that he was my last and best chance.

      Fast forward 11 years. My inability to feel physical attraction has resulted in numerous crushes and an internal fantasy life.   I finally leave.   I feel terrible, I feel as if I’ve cheated this very nice person.   I did enjoy him and he did add to my life.

      But what I’ve come to realize is, at least for me, being with someone just because I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone better isn’t going to work.   I am going to have to want to go to bed with whomever I end up with.   I have to have that bond there.   Otherwise there’s something that, emotionally, won’t happen for me. I know this now, but people told me, “Sex isn’t everything. You’re expecting too much.   You’re getting off on the uncertainty.   You’re turned on by unavailability.   You have a habit of trauma bonding.   The sex will grow out of the friendship.”

      I listened, because some of these were educated people.   And what the author says above is right; those butterflies aren’t always about   love, and neither is excitement.

      But I’m not talking about excitement; rather, basic attraction. That’s my story and I hope it helps someone, because there’s a fine line on that subject. Imo it would be worth an article, because, at least the way I’ve seen this play out, the line really is fine, and it confused me quite a lot.

      1. 1.1.1

        Incredibly helpful. Thank you.

  2. 2

    I love this post, Evan.   I hope your readers finally understand that you’re   pushing for a healthy balance between compatability and chemistry, rather than weighting either one too heavily.  
    I’m friends with a guy who will not recognise any feeling as love unless it resembled the lyrics of a tortured Leonard Cohen or Tracy Chapman song.   In his late 40s, he’ll only acknowledge having loved one of his many girlfriends and that was a relatively short-lived, roller coaster relationship.   Unless he changes his thinking, I really do wonder (doubt) if he’ll ever find a loving, happy, long-term relationship.

    1. 2.1

      Henriette’s answer rings such a bell.    My man insists that he’s not “in love” with me because he wasn’t instantaneously overwhelmed by a feeling that he would die for me.   Really.   If this was all I knew of him, I’d probably run screaming from the room.  

      We are not young (he’s 63 and I am 51) or inexperienced.   And, I do love him.   We were introduced, which is a good thing because I probably would have steered away from him online (the age alone would have put him out of my consideration), and have been together for 2.5 years.      

      He is by far the best man I have ever been with.   He is considerate, generous, funny, smart, grounded, nurturing, supportive, protective, dependable, steady, he does what he says he will, he never leaves me hanging …. I could go on.   He may not be the best at facing issues, but when something comes up and I am able to express my feelings in a non-blaming way, I get exactly the outcome I’m hoping for.   We are compatible – similar values, interests and outlook.   We enjoy each other and being together is easy.   And, love or no love, there is  plenty  of chemistry.   

      But – he doesn’t love me.   He warns me away from getting too attached to him.   And he feels the need to periodically remind me that I will get hurt.   I have plenty of experience with NOT hearing what men are saying and ignoring how they show that they really are not into me or the relationship.   

      What confuses the heck out of me is that his actions consistently indicate that maintaining a good relationship with me IS important to him.   That he wants me to be happy.   I choose to be with him because I am happy & I feel good being with him.   It’s a conscious choice and I actively make it.   

      1. 2.1.1

        Hi Chris. I have exactly same situation as you now. I’m 60 and with a lady who is 50, who loves me very much. She doesn’t listen to my many warnings and cautions that she is better off with another type of guy, rather than me.   Though I value her opinions, her friendship and her as a person, I can’t get myself to risk hurting her and just telling the truth. The truth would be “I enjoy your company and I’ve tried to let chemistry evolve, but I’m just not feeling it. If your ok with going out and having a casual relationship until we both or one of us finds the right person, then I’m ok with that as well”   That would be the heartfelt genuine thing for me to say, but I am hesitant because it makes me seem like an ass hole user and I’m really not…I’m a good guy. Sadly to say, people really want to have “interim” mates   

        1. Steve

          *got cut off before I finished

          ….sadly to say many people would rather have some interim connection with someone rather than being alone, and in my opinion that is why we tolerate going out for extended periods with the wrong person. In the end, I realize it leads to someone getting hurt anyway, so we might as well face up to being very blunt and truthful about our feelings, early into a relationship.     

        2. Carolyn

          Hey Steve

          You have to tell her the truth. Chemistry is tricky…you could be with a beautiful woman …no chemistry…an average woman chemistry !!! Chemistry is very important as well as compatibility. You can’t make it happen…tell her !!!

        3. Lolana

          Interesting perspective but yes, you need to be honest with her.

          For myself, it’s too uncomfortable to be in a short term thing where the other person expects more. It feels like pressure to me and it ends up being a thing where having different intentions ruins the fun. If I am knowing it’s not going to work, I’d rather be alone.

          Many people feel they can’t be alone for various reasons and I understand that, not having a mate at home can be lonely, but one can have a roommate, or a platonic circle, and then one is not really alone.     And the relationships have more integrity.

  3. 3

    Are you someone who is very romantic, or even likes drama? That can make it hard to like someone “normal”.   How is the rest of your life? If you’re happy with your job, friends, home, you may more readily accept a “normal” relationship rather than hold out for the extraordinary.   All that said, if you just don’t like him, you don’t like him and a month is long enough to call it. And if the issue IS more deep-seated than that, you should probably address it on your own, on your time rather than his.  
    I don’t value chemistry very much myself, having had it blow up on me like a horrible lab experiment, but even jaded old me looks forward to seeing my boyfriend and we have a lot of fun together. Otherwise, like you say, what’s the point?  

  4. 4

    To the OP- This guy sounds like a good catch and you  might   throw him back in the water. Someone else will snap him up though.  But it would be a riot if 20 years from now you write to Evan again asking how come you can’t meet a good guy.

  5. 5

    John, this might be a newsflash but just because there isn’t chemistry doesn’t mean she’s clueless or holding out for over-the-top chemistry.   Just because he’s nice doesn’t mean she should be with him.   She had the self-awareness to ask the question to someone that could give her an objective point of view.   So you have kept women who were perfectly nice women who would be great gf’s but you had no chemistry for?   Have you done that?   

  6. 6

    Great question and advice.
    I have to totally agree and now feel like I’m not being “too picky” at this point in my life.   I recently spent some time with a close sibling and we both agreed that we are quirky people and not everybody gets us.   We’re well-read and tend to get philosophical about life, yet we’re also athletic.   We both have found that we can meet people who share one facet of ourselves with us, but either don’t relate to or reject another part.   I think it’s important to find someone who appreciates, likes and relates to you and vice versa.
    I have the embarrassing distinction on this blog of being married not once but twice.   I sincerely would have liked for my marriages tohave worked and have desired to be in a long term relationship.   However, having been through two long term committed relationships that were mostly unhappy, I’ll take being alone over being stuck with someone I’m not compatible with.   Trust me, it is a lot worse than just being with *anyone* else – @John – #4   @EMK – I’m sorry your mom went through that.
    Something else worth considering for this poster as well as other women and men who find themselves struggling with getting excited about people they are dating:   it might not be the lack of eligible (and desirable) partners so much as low level depression or dysthimia on the individual’s part.   I was speaking with a therapist the other day who said that depression isn’t so much grief as it is a deadness of feeling.   After going through my last divorce, I found that I was in that place as a means of coping.   I had to pry off the lid I’d put on my emotions just to be able to start enjoying life again.   When I did, I was also attracted to more people than I had been before.   My point is that while you need to find the right person for you, you also need to be the best person you can be, in order to find love.   (I’m still working on that, ftr.)

    1. 6.1

      love this x

    2. 6.2

      Love this too. Knowing yourself is #1.

  7. 8

    Starthrower @5
    I didnt say she was clueless. I didnt say she should hold out. I just said it would be a riot if she wrote back a long time from now asking about something she cant find that at one point she already had. Not sure where you anger is coming from.
    As for you sarcastic question did I ever hold out for chemistry I will answer it this way: Anytime i met a girl that had the qualities the OP described ( cute, smart, successful, shares my religion and interests, we both value family a lot, and he is treating me like gold)   I did not thow them back. I have never not felt chemistry with someone who had those qualities.
    That is a combination of traits that if you cant find happiness with that, then you are holding out for a unicorn. Would be like holding a 20 in blackjack and instead of holding, you hit in hopes of an ace. And it would be like holding a 20, hitting and then losing and then writing in “how come I cant win at blackjack”? That was the irony I was referring to.   Get it?

    1. 8.1

      I can understand where you are coming from, John; I just disagree.
      I love many of my male friends for the values / traits that are mentioned here but it doesn’t mean I want to be with them romantically.   I can’t explain why, it’s just that the FEELING is not there.   Does that mean I’m holding out for a unicorn when it comes to dating?   I don’t think so.  
      I think it’s about acknowledging that there is more to compatibility than simply sharing values etc.   It’s great that you found chemistry with those that you found had those qualities but where are they now? I think we have to listen to our gut instinct in the early stages, in order to fend off difficulties later on.   Gut instinct, for me, is something I have come to rely on.   Too many times I have tried to convince myself that I should go out with the nice guy who appears to be everything I could wish for.   My gut, however, says otherwise and I’ve always gone with it.
      If the pull isn’t there, at best you’d be looking at ending up with a friend and at worst, settling and feeling resentful.

      1. 8.1.1

        I think John’s analogy and point were that, despite how much you think you should trust your gut, as you say, that might get you into trouble. Unknowingly, I think women can train their subconscious “chemistry meters” to be drawn to guys that are the polar opposites of what they would otherwise say they want in a man. This may explain why the aloof, cocky, bad boys tend to do better in the chemistry department than the typical nice-guy-on-paper type. It could also have something to do with a woman’s natural desire to “fix” or “improve” a guy, or make him into the best man he can be, by being with him. If he’s great on paper, there’s nothing for her to fix, and if he’s obviously trouble-on-legs, there’s plenty there for a lady to mold and shape into her own masterpiece of a man. And maybe, just maybe, noticing where a guy falls on this continuum is exactly what a women perceives as chemistry, or the “pull”, etc. I realize there are other factors that add into the mix here, but in general, I think there’s probably some truth to this….and if so, it would be wise for us all to take a step back, and try to unpack what’s really behind our sense of chemistry (rather than assume there could never be a way to explain it) – and in some cases we could gradually learn to retune our chemistry meters, and ultimately have them more in line with our compatibility needs, instead of almost completely opposed to them, as we see in far too many cases.

        1. Cathy

          I think I agree with this post

        2. Lolana

          Hi Nate, I’ve been through a couple of decades of therapy. I’m familiar with what you’re talking about.   It’s one of the reasons I got into an 11-year relationship with someone I had no physical attraction to. (It wasn’t that way for him.)

          That relationship ended almost 5 years ago.   It wasn’t going to work.   I’m getting older and I might be alone for the rest of my life. If that’s the option as opposed to being with someone I have to force myself into bed with, then that’s how it will be.   I will have platonic relationships that will be (and are) richly rewarding.   I know my time with my ex, who is wonderful, has recalibrated the meter, to an extent, because I no longer put up with emotional baloney from platonic people now, when I used to.   I am hoping the platonic recalibration carries over into the romantic realm. But I will never force it, again.   It was unfair to him, and it’s just wrong.

  8. 9
    Karl R

    TJ said: (original post)
    “I just feel so blah about the whole thing.”
    If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it alone, you’re not a good match for each other.
    It sounds like he may make a terrific husband … for someone else.

  9. 10

    There were women I went out with 1X, 2X, even 3X, who were great on paper, cute enough, but like you, I couldn’t shake the feeling of the ‘Blahs’ — Been there, dated that… now that I’m in a 9 month relationship (and she’s about to move in), you need a spark of something….of course, you don’t need explosive fireworks, but you need SOMETHING…. dump him, move on. You are 25 — the world is your Guy Oyster. You could date a 23 year old, you could date a 40 year old. Yes, he’s a nice guy, but not right for you…

  10. 11

    #9: “If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it alone, you’re not a good match for each other.”
    What Karl said.
    Also, texting when you’re running late is considered something out of the ordinary these days? What’d I miss? Everyone I’ve dated has done it (including some real scumbags) — not to say that the OP’s man isn’t awesome in every regard, it just isn’t a big deal to me and doesn’t sound like an indicator of a great future together — “oh, I feel so blah, but he texts when he’s running late — guess I’ll have to keep this one!” lol, no, you don’t have to.

    1. 11.1

      Goldie, yes I think unfortunately, particularly in the millennial age group, basic etiquette like a “sorry, I’m running late” message is something of a rarity. That’s just one example she gave, anyway, I think she’s saying that he’s chivalrous, kind and thoughtful. All very important characteristics, not every guy shows (often it’s quite the opposite) and I can see why she’s struggling. It’s not enough for a successful relationship, but I don’t think we should minimise the importance of these  characteristics, or think that in the current dating climate, it’s going to be easy to come by people who show similar care & thoughtfulness.

  11. 12

    Thank you TJ for writing and Evan for choosing her letter to respond to. I am a 50 yr old, happily single woman, who has been told several times that I am too picky. So with the last man I had dated, I tried real hard to give the chemistry a chance to develop and it just never happened. He seemed to be the perfect guy for me! Yet I just didn’t share in his excitement for the relationship.
    I have been following your blog for years Evan and you are so wise and helpful!   I truly get what you mean about the balance of a spark and a good man. I would much rather be happy on my own and patiently wait for that awesome guy for me, than settle for a ho hum relationship.  
    I love this quote: “If spending time with a person is less interesting than spending it  alone, you are not a good match for each other.”   That is exactly how I felt with this guy! TJ move on…you will find the right guy, with the right balance of good character and chemistry!

  12. 13

    EMK, Great post, thanks got clarifying. Up to now I’ve thought that you down-played chemistry too much, but now I see both sides. I think most people should feel some kind of spark by the 3rd date or so. I’ve been out with several guys who didn’t ask me out a 2nd time because they expected to feel the chemistry immediately. If they had given it (me) more of a chance, something may have developed. My sister pointed out that since in most cases, the guy arranges and pays for the first few dates, he may not be willing to keep investing his time and money if he doesn’t feel intense chemistry right off the bat. A conundrum for sure.

  13. 14
    TJ,   I recently read about Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. It’s basically exactly what Evan told you.   If you aren’t attracted, you aren’t attracted and I don’t think this will increase over time.   Also, the guy professing how much he likes you when you are so ambivalent comes as a turnoff for me.   (This is different when both people are super-duper sparks flying) BUT when only he is, it often just makes me feel like I’m being pushed into liking someone.
    Also, 25 is one of those borderline ages, where some of your friends may be married/engaged, and for the first time, you feel that social pressure that you too need to figure this aspect of your life out where 4 or 5 years ago, marriage wasn’t even a thought.

  14. 15
    Sparkling Emerald

    Great article !
    John 4 & 8, you might not have called TJ clueless, but by saying it would be “a riot” if she is still alone 20 years from now, shows some level of hostility for her, merely for not being attracted someone. You are basically wishing her a life time of loneliness for not feeling something you think she should feel.
    It’s great that you have been attracted to every gal who had the laundry list of qualities,   but not everyone feels chemistry for every good guy or good gal that crosses their path.   It doesn’t mean they are holding out for a unicorn, just holding out for someone they feel some degree of attraction for.
    I have met “good guys” and have not felt the spark.   I do us both a favor and move on.   No point in wasting both of our times.   I have felt spark for “good guys” but discover something that makes us fundamentally incompatible, so again I move on.   I have felt   the spark for bad boys and that’s when I run for the hills. There was one “good guy” I felt zero spark for, so I did the right thing and decided to not waste any of our time.   A few e-mails later when he tried to guilt me into changing his mind, I realized he wasn’t really such a nice guy after all !   (He kept telling me that “I didn’t know what I wanted”.)   Actually I do know what I want and it wasn’t him.   I found it incredibly arrogant for him to presume that I just must be some poor confused woman who doesn’t know what she wants, just because I didn’t want HIM)   Oh yes, I have met good guys that I’ve been attracted too, thought we would be a good match, etc. and they thought I was a great gal, but they just didn’t feel the spark for me.   :(.   Doesn’t make him a jerk, doesn’t make me a loser, just means it’s time to move on.   EMK is right, chemistry and compatibility must BOTH be there.  
    I’ve stopped taking it personally (or beating myself up for note feeling what I “should” feel for “good guys”) because I really believe that we don’t choose who we are attracted to.   Our brain chemistry does that for us.   We can choose whom we get involved with though.   And I would choose to get involved with someone who I felt zero attraction for, nor would I choose to get involved with someone who made my spine tingle, but either was incompatible or a bad boy.

  15. 16
    Sparkling Emerald

    Last sentence should read, “And I would NOT choose to get involved . . .”

  16. 17

    SparklingEmerald, Starthrower
    Both of you state with a sense of bravado that you have not been attracted to quite a few “good guys”. I can understand maybe one or possibly 2 people with the great qualities TJs boyfriend had that you did not feel chemistry. But for you, its time and time again the same thing happens.   The way you carry on, you make it seem like there are a stream of those types combined between the both of you. And you come across like its a badge of honor to have been able to dump them. Whenever a woman says things like “I am just not feeling it with so many of these great guys” and it happens a bunch of times as in your cases, I doubt that was the case at all. My bet is that these guys weren’t feeling it for you and you are rewritng history to make yourselves feel better.

    1. 17.1

      Dean, I think you’re right on the mark!

    2. 17.2

      It’s really to understand what she meant… sometimes you are attracted to some one and they don’t feel the same way it doesn’t matter wether your a good girl or guy….and it’s okay if they don’t really .as simple as that… some one asks you out coz they thing for them in all perspectives attraction inclusive and they need to give you time to see if you think the same way.. about both compatibility and attraction just like they already have

  17. 18

    Great post, thanks Evan.   I have stayed too long with too many guys I had too little personal chemistry with– I would finally break up with them when I realized I was just tolerating them and finding it annoying to make time to be with them.   And for me, personal chemistry is extremely related to physical chemistry, so I guess we didn’t have that either 🙂

  18. 19

    I don’t see anywhere in the question that mentions there is a lack of physical chemistry/attraction. She calls him cute. It sounds more like a compatibility/personality “chemistry” issue. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  19. 20

    Ten years of chemistry and still going strong.    I need the heat, the passion, the sexual thrill and the Wow, and I still got it.   All this, and two highly educated, compassionate people as well.   No, chemistry is NOT temproary for all…

    1. 20.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Anna”, you and your partner are the greatest people on the planet. I’m so happy for you and impressed that your white-hot chemistry is still going strong ten years later. But since I’M the one giving advice here, I have to remind you – again – that, if you’re telling the truth, you are the EXCEPTION, not the rule. And telling people to hold out for lifelong white-hot chemistry is like telling people that they should only take jobs if they work 10 hours a week and make a million a year. Yes, SOMEBODY does that, but that person is the EXCEPTION.

      And just out of curiosity, why is someone who is in an incredible relationship like yours messing around on my site?

      1. 20.1.1

        thank you EMK for  your response to this  , and I agree with you EMK, for Anna ‘s 10-yr white hot chemistry is  so “exceptional” and that is precisely what  makes the rest of us think there’s something wrong with us or have unrealistic beliefs.
        the way she wrote it, it seems to loudly boasts of arrogance,  instead of quiet pride and gratitude.      Bravo  Evan ….why is she ..with the incredible hot relationship… on this forum arguing with your  sound teaching?
        As always thank you for your common sense ,   clarity ,   and   well-written posts.  

        1. Mandy

          Yes thank you emk when I read Anna’s post my heart sunk, I have just met a wonderful guy who ticks all the right boxes for me, the only thing is I’m not feeling the chemistry with him but enjoy his company a lot, we are compatible in a lot of ways too, so reading your blog has given me hope for us thank you

      2. 20.1.2

        Evan you are very right when you wonder what Anna is doing on this site,   if she’s in such a great relationship.   I was in a beautiful relationship for 8 years,   we had great chemistry and compatibility.   The relationship ended for other reasons.   My point is, when I was in that relationship I didn’t have to wonder if we had the right amount of chemistry and I’d sure never have been found on this site. Anyway I got into another relationship with a wonderful guy, we got along well in everything else except sexually.   I just did not crave his touch,   and when he did touch me, the sooner I could get away the better. He actually asked me to marry him and I said yes, but when things started progressing in that direction I had to stop and think. And realised I was being unfair to both of us and it wasn’t going to work in the long term, so I broke it off. I wish I had realised this before things went this far. So yes, a balance of both chemistry and compatibility is extremely important.

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