Is it Okay to Love Someone But Not Be “In Love”?

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My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just put all our plans on hold, including buying a house together and getting married later this year. She says she loves me but she’s not “in love” with me. What is the difference?

Fernando

Dear Fernando,

It all depends on how much value you put on labels.

Being”in love” is a pretty cool feeling. But it can also be an illusion.

Being “in love” is the most commonly used phrase to describe the feeling of “chemistry”. People who are “in love” have obsessive thoughts about their partners – huge highs when things are good, deep lows when things are bad. People “in love” say things like, “you just know when it’s right”, and believe that they found their true soulmates.

Being “in love” is a pretty cool feeling. But it can also be an illusion. What people who are “in love” often forget is that the passion that brings them together is often the very thing that drives them apart. This isn’t always the case. Some people, like the ones in Helen Fisher’s brain chemistry studies, stay “in love” for an entire lifetime. And because of those few people, we all think that the only way to find happiness is to hold out for being “in love”.

That’s what it sounds like your girlfriend is doing to you, my friend.

She’s chasing a higher high, a greater feeling, something that you can’t provide for her, no matter how much you try. You can’t blame her, exactly. She wants what she wants. But she quite likely might be throwing away an amazing partner in pursuit of that “in love” feeling. Governor Mark Sanford just did the same thing. Just read the transcripts!

I recently read a thought-provoking book called “The Post-Birthday World” by Lionel Shriver. The novel consists of two parallel stories – one is what happens if the protagonist, Irina, stayed with her solid and steady boyfriend of nine years; the other is what happens if Irina cheated on him and left him for a more passionate affair that turned into a marriage. Without giving away all that much, her passionate marriage doesn’t provide her nearly as much comfort as the safe relationship she left. She just traded in one set of problems for another.

When it comes to love, I might sit here and give advice every day, but there’s not a “right” and “wrong”. All I know is that the majority of people who have been “in love” and “just knew” that they were meant to be have since broken up. That tells me all I need to know about the clarity of passion.

I feel for you, Fernando, but you can’t hold on to your girlfriend. You should probably have a heart-to-heart with her, find out if she thinks she needs to be “in love” to get married, and reevaluate your life. Because if she’s always going to be longing for a more passionate relationship, you’re never going to feel safe.

That’s too bad, because relationships should be safe. Not just for her, but for you as well. If she needs to be “in love”, wish her the best of luck finding it, and go invest your energy in a woman who loves you unconditionally – no matter what label she puts on it.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Selena

    “… knock your socks off, house-shaking, fireworks exploding extravaganza”??? People actually find that? And marry it? LOL. Lucky them. Or maybe not.

    C’mon. I don’t think most people on this board are holding out for that, are they? Could be a very long wait.

    The majority do seem to want *some* passion though, rather than “ho hum”.

    Point I was trying to make is: it seems hard enough to find someone who is as “into you” as you are to them period. ( If this blog is anything to go by.) I think it might be even harder to find someone willing to marry you without “feeling it”, just because that might be a sensible thing to do.

    As far as your example goes Karl, you actually make my point. You’re assuming J. Howard Marshall did “feel it” for Anna Nicole. What if he didn’t? Think he would have married her anyway?

    1. 41.1
      Karl R

      Selena asked:
      “You’re assuming J. Howard Marshall did ‘feel it’ for Anna Nicole. What if he didn’t? Think he would have married her anyway?”

      I still think you’re missing the point. Even though we like to talk about “unconditional love” in romantic relationships, just about every relationship has a lot of quid-pro-quo in it (parent-child relationships are usually an exception).

      Anna Nicole Smith brought sex to the relationship. J. Howard Marshall brought staggering wealth to the relationship. Without looks & sex, Anna Nicole Smith was just a dumb, sloppy drunk. Without wealth, J. Howard Marshall was just an octagenarian who liked strippers. I think it’s rather obvious what attracted them to each other.

      But look at what they both compromised in order to get that one thing. J. Howard Marshall gave up on intelligent conversations, someone who shared interests with him, a partner who was an equal. Anna Nicole Smith gave up on looks, someone who shared interests with her, someone who would see her as an equal. I don’t believe either one felt that they had settled.

      And I’m sure there are other couples out there where she’s the wealthy one and he’s the good-looking one.

      But in a more realistic sense, there are any number of widows/widowers/divorcees in their 70s and 80s who date and fall in love with their peers. Somehow they manage to achieve that when none of them are particularly hot or sexy.

      Maybe they compromise.

      Curly Girl asked:
      “You’re suggesting that Anna Nicole Smith was doing something we should emulate?”

      I wouldn’t recommend emulating either Anna Nicole Smith or J. Howard Marshall. But they do serve as examples of how much you may need to compromise if you’re seeking an extreme degree of anything.

  2. 42
    -NN-

    I’m not talking about “knock my socks off” attraction
    – I have met a man whom I really fancied sexually, but no, I never did anything with him, since we weren’t ethically compatible (he thought he was entitled to say anything, insult and have rage fits because that is how he felt – and I don’t want to get involved with a man like that.)

    Simply I want to be attracted to an attractive wholesome man who has his act together – I don’t want to live a half of a life like this woman talks about her choice:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/07/19/AR2009071901816.html

    The Ann Nicole example makes an other good point, what a woman will do to get security and company..
    “to widen the search” and I’ll be a happy woman – right!

    1. 42.1
      Selena

      Thanks for sharing the link -NN-.

      It should be posted whenever people try to rationalize how it’s a good thing to marry someone you’re not “in love” with.

  3. 43
    downtowngal

    Folks, when you know you know. I don’t know how old Fernando & his GF are, but it could be her first major relationship and perhaps she’s not ready. Also, we’re only hearing his side of things.

    Bottom line: if someone tells you after 2.5 years that they’re not feeling it, it won’t happen. If the woman’s not happy in a relationship it’s doomed. Whatever her issues may be, we don’t know. Or there may not be an issue, he’s just not the ‘one’.

  4. 44
    Alison Ozer

    Well Fernando et al,

    We really do not know what exactly the girlfirend is feeling or thinking. If she is willing to reflect and share, Fernando could pose some of these questions for both to consider. He could also propose a break time before continuing or discontinuing their engagement. Is doubt coming from the fact that the infatuation and romantic phase has past? Is there no chemistry- or just fleeting feelings? Are there real concerns she has for long term happiness besides the coming and going of passion? Are there things he could do that could create more of a spark for her, and vice versa? Things they both could do to become better lovers together? Sometimes however the thoughts and feelings behind a decision (and act) may not be so clear. I have found that passion can die when one does not sense a satisfying future with a particular partner. This might have more to do with the actual scenario one imagines can or can’t evolve, rather than the qualities of the person. Only the two could sort this out, and that said if one partner – the girlfriend is unwilling to explore this together, then it is just time to move on. And yes, it is better to discover this now than after marriage and financial or familial attachments have grown. Marriage is really a process of growth and discovery together that requires commitment. We can love or have love and respect for many persons, but living with each other and deepening that love, having children, is a choice and opportunity for two to make.

  5. 45
    hunter

    The only chemistry for men is an erection, plain truth….

    1. 45.1
      vino

      And here I thought beauty was a light switch away….

  6. 46
    A-L

    knock your socks off, house-shaking, fireworks exploding extravaganza??? People actually find that? And marry it? LOL. Lucky them. Or maybe not.

    C mon. I don’t think most people on this board are holding out for that, are they? Could be a very long wait.

    I have close friends that are holding out for that. Heck, I’ve been in that very same boat myself. I’m getting myself out of that boat, however, into a happy but more realistic situation. But when people are posting about wanting the chemistry or not having chemistry with someone, this is what comes to my mind. And when I talk about compromise in terms of the chemistry factor, I’m talking about not holding out for the extravaganza but instead going for something that’s good and nice.

    So if people are not referring to the fireworks extravaganza when they’re talking abut chemistry (or sexual compatibility) then what are they talking about?

    1. 46.1
      Selena

      They’re talking about sexual compatibility that is a bit more passionate than “nice”.

      I don’t know how long people expect “fireworks extravaganza” to last, but “just nice” can become just boring in as short amount of time.

      Or shorter.

      1. 46.1.1
        Andy

        Selena, you’re absolutely correct! Anyone who say sex is not an important part of relationship is kidding themselves. If that is the case then they need to find someone who feels the same way. It’s not a coincidence that sexual reasons are a big part of why relationships end. It mat not be “fireworks” all the time but both parties need to feel satisfied and happy with each other!!

      2. 46.1.2
        A-L

        Maybe this is just a semantics issue. For me good/nice/enjoyable are all interchangeable whereas passionate/fireworks/knocking-socks-off are in the same category.

        1. Selena

          A-L,

          Have you had sex?

        2. A-L

          As you may be aware from other threads, I have not. But I’ve done most things in the “everything, but” category (and no, I don’t feel like going into a debate about why most but not everything). Granted, I may be speaking from a position of ignorance, but I’ve gone out with guys where I haven’t even felt like doing anything physical, to where it’s been “ick,” to “enh/okay”, to being “better than not,” to “really very good” to “dang.” I don’t think one extra position is going to change my impression of our physical relationship.

          But I was just rereading my previous post and in case it wasn’t clear I was saying that good=nice=enjoyable and that passionate=fireworks=knocks your socks off. I was not saying that enjoyable=fireworks.

        3. Selena

          A-L, I wasn’t sure. I thought I had read a post of yours last year regarding that, but didn’t know if it was true or perhaps had changed.

          To me, “good/nice/enjoyable” are words I would use to describe playing minature golf.

          And sometimes sex when I wasn’t really into it, but enjoyed the connection anyway. Like morning sex when I was still sleepy, not overly motivated and my partner and were trying to spare each other our bad breath. Or we were tired, stressed, but still felt the “need.” Or were using sex in a kind of “touch base” kind of way.

          If it was always like that I would be disappointed and dissatisfied because I’ve had much better. Not “fireworks extravaganza” every time, but better – more intense, more connected sometimes almost spiritual in nature sex.
          Hard to describe, but certainly words like “nice”, “enjoyable, “okay”, fall far short. Which is why to me, someone willing to settle for just “okay” with a partner is cheating themselves, AND THEIR PARTNER.

          I don’t know whether or not you can equate “doing everything but…” with a sex life that includes intercourse as an integral part of it. Maybe some of the others have an experienced opinion as to that.

        4. A-L

          I’ll let someone else who’s has the experience of sex & everything but comment about the differences.

          But I think I was right about the semantics difference. For me, describing the physical aspect of a relationship has its own standards. Good in sexual matters is not the same as good in putt-putt.

          I might say that a high school play was good. That does not mean it was anywhere near the same caliber as a Broadway play that I also described as good. I use that adjective based on what that category is supposed to be, not as a universal/means-the-same-in-every-case word. So if I say that the physical experience was good, for me that does indicate that the connection/intensity you mentioned is there, because it’s supposed to be within a serious relationship. Those just aren’t words that I would naturally gravitate towards using myself.

          I guess my teacher ways show here. But for a grading/equivalency scale

          A=Excellent=Fireworks
          B=Very Good=Really very good
          C=Average=Better than not
          D=Below average=Enh
          F=Failing/Unsatisfactory=Ick

          Does this make sense?

          P.S. I don’t know if this will work because it says it won’t nest, but yours was able to nest, so I’ll try it too. Evan, I want the old commenting system back!

    2. 46.2
      Buck25

      A-L ,

      One word, settling. In my opinion, that’s what a “relationship” (I wouldn’t call it that myself) without the attraction, actually is. A relationship like that , for me anyway, is not a relationship, it’s a simple friendship, and that is ALL it is, or ever will be. And friendships are fine, as long as we remember that’s all they are.

      I’ve had relationships without passion; I’ll never have another. Some things are worse than being alone, or dying alone. Life without passion? That’s just a slower way to die.

      @ Karl,

      I don’t know my friend; at this point  in life,  emulating J. Howard Marshall seems like a far better option than anything   I’ve got a chance at. I’ve found that being old sucks; but being old with an old unattractive woman I wouldn’t want to even touch sucks worse. As for the “settle or you’ll die alone” thing that gets mentioned here a lot…ultimately we all die alone anyway, so what’s the big deal?

      1. 46.2.1
        Karl R

        Buck25,

        Just to set things in perspective, A-L and I have both ended up with spouses that we find attractive (though I expect A-L, like me, doesn’t consider her husband the most attractive possible man out there).   Both of us have sex lives that we enjoy.

        So we needed some attraction, but not drop-dead gorgeous.   We needed a good sex life, but not the best sex of our lives.   By being willing to compromise some on those two things, we didn’t have to compromise at all on the things we believe are more important.

         

        It’s not entirely clear whether you consider a life of good sex with a rather attractive woman to be a life that “has passion” or a life that is “without passion”.

         

        Buck25 said:

        “at this point in life, emulating J. Howard Marshall seems like a far better option than anything   I’ve got a chance at.”

        Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you’re wealthy enough to emulate him.

         

        Buck25 asked:

        “I’ve found that being old sucks; but being old with an old unattractive woman I wouldn’t want to even touch sucks worse. As for the ‘settle or you’ll die alone’ thing that gets mentioned here a lot…ultimately we all die alone anyway, so what’s the big deal?”

        I was happily single for years before I got back into dating (and eventually got married).   If all your dating options are worse than being single … well … there’s your answer.

         

        There are lots of happily single people out there.   (You don’t see them on this blog, for the exact same reason you didn’t see me on this blog before I decided to get back into dating.   I had better things to do with my time.)   I support people who consciously make that decision.

        The people I give a hard time to are the ones that feel obliged to tell everyone (in interminable, boring detail) why they are single (dating sucks, the opposite sex sucks, the attractive people who get all the attention suck, it’s everyone’s fault but theirs).

        From what I’ve seen so far, I have every reason to believe that you’re more likely to end up in the former category, not the latter.   If that’s what will make you happier, stop worrying about dating.   Free up some time for your hobbies.

        1. Buck25

          Karl,

          Drop dead gorgeous? No; in fact I’ve had the best chemistry (and sex) with women a couple of notches ( maybe a bit more) below that. Once again, I don’t mind dating a grandmother…I just am not the least bit attracted to someone who looks like my grandmother. Great looks? Not necessary. Great sex? Absolutely essential! Just being honest. I guess it’s fair; I mean, since virtually every woman thinks any  man my age is completely unattractive to them, I don’t suppose they can resent it too much that   I find the majority of women over 50 to be equally   unattractive  to me.  The dating options available to a 67 year old man , even one who is successful, active and extremely fit, are next to non-existent. The comparatively few still attractive women now all want younger men, and the others…I would rather be shot by a firing squad than kiss something like the mounds of blue hair, wrinkles, blubber and cellulite that email me(unsolicited);   no amount of torture, including being burned at the stake, could induce me to be seen in public with that on my arm;   and the mere thought of having sex with one of these creatures (if they even still do) has a distinct emetic effect on me (I can feel the bile rising in my throat just from writing about it). Most of them wouldn’t look remotely attractive if I were 80 (an age I personally hope to never see)

          If I had it all to do over again, I’d have never married, never had a relationship longer than six months, learned every player trick in the book, had a life of booze and women, said to hell with the rest of humanity, and shot myself at 61 like Ernest Hemingway (who I think had entirely the right idea of how to live like a man, instead of a woman’s lap dog).

          As for old J. Howard, I’ve done well but not quite that well; even so, I’m not sure I wouldn’t like to try a scaled down version of what he did; there are lots of women I’m more attracted to than the one he had anyway, and a lot of them come cheaper. Given that women find us all equally worthless after 55 or so, (based on what I read here), I guess I’d rather be loathed by a cheap gold digging slut on my arm, than hated by an aging hag in my bed. (Besides, doing the former openly annoys the hell out of every fundamentalist Bible thumper down here, and since we have entirely too many of those down south, I consider anything that irritates the type to be a delightful sport, as I cordially detest their sorry species). I dunno, maybe we ought to put women in charge of it all; since they consider us old guys so completely worthless, maybe they could at least do for us what we do for a sick dog,   and put us put of our misery, but then again,I guess there’s too much misandry for that, so maybe not. As it is,I’m sure some of the distaff set here is reading this with sadistic glee. Might as well give them their laugh for the day I guess; I don’t really care anymore.

        2. Karl R

          Buck25,

          I guess I was mistaken.   You are the kind of person who is going to linger around here and whine interminably about women being the cause of their desire not to date.

        3. Buck25

          Karl, Think whatever you %$#$%#@ please. I said what I had to say. Just remember one thing; you haven’t made it to the age where you’re in that group so many women here love to hate, and yes, from what I’ve seen written here, “hate” is the operative word. That is all.

      2. 46.2.2
        Buck25

        Oh, and by the way Karl, if you’re not seeing all the man-hating directed at older men on this forum, then you and I must not be reading the same posts. At any rate, I find it toxic, and I refuse to consume any more of it. I’m outta here!

  7. 47
    Ruby

    knock your socks off, house-shaking, fireworks exploding extravaganza??? People actually find that? And marry it? LOL. Lucky them. Or maybe not.

    Is it a bad thing to want that? Is it always illusory? Granted, passionate feelings may burn out quickly, but they also may last last much longer than lukewarm feelings will.

    @ hunter

    “The only chemistry for men is an erection, plain truth.”

    Good point. Perhaps women are supposed to be more complex than that. If women are guilty of over-thinking whether a guy is into them or not, I think we often also over-think whether or not we’re really into the guy.

  8. 48
    Mary

    Usually when I meet a fireworks guy, I know that I’d be in for trouble, cause a lot of other women want them also. Competition gets old after awhile. Also some times they have a type of baggage from when other women have spoiled them and such.

  9. 49
    -NN-

    >Author: Joe
    Comment:

    Then he decided that since he wouldn’t get anything out of it, there was no point for him to help me to move, and he ended the our relationship.Actually, you ended the relationship when you decided you didn’t want to move forward with it (by moving in together). After that, he was right there was no point in him helping you move.

    ……………

    That is what I said, I felt that I got out of prison =).
    Simply because it hadn’t been working – he just thought he did the deed, but our relationship had been dying for last 6 months – he just finalised it. Last 6 months every discussion we had had, had ended to the uncomfortable silence and he felt “suffocated” near me. At that situation I wasn’t ready to let him move in with me, since we couldn’t talk about anything.

    So why would he want to move in with me? The only reason what I see, was that my rent would be pretty cheap as my parents owned the flat.

    Since he wasn’t going to get that, his interest was over.

    And I felt so relieved – I still do.. and that is the reason I would never do as Evan suggests – if I don’t feel physically attracted, I don’t let that go further.

    1. 49.1
      Andy

      Once you go down that road, it’s very difficult to back peddle. I’ve done that a couple of times and vowed i would never do that again. I did try to build a relationship with a couple of women with whom i wasn’t all that attracted to, trying something different as Evan suggested, and it doesn’t work for me. I did feel bad, kind of like i was leading those women on, allowing them to develop feelings for me and then finding myself not wanting to be in the relationship any longer. It makes for tv like drama. Not good!

      So now i have learned my lesson and stick to dating women that i have an attraction for. Sure i go on less dates than i used to but the absence of drama more than makes up for it!!

      1. 49.1.1
        Ava

        I’ve tried it too, and I’ve had a guy or two try it with me. I agree, it’s a recipe for resentment and guilt. Nothing worse than a person thinking that someone is into them sexually/romantically, and then finding out they really aren’t – ouch! A basic physical attraction needs to be there.

    2. 49.2
      Selena

      -NN-
      Sounds like the guy was more into having cheaper rent than he was into you, yes?

      So it goes.

  10. 50
    Hot Alpha Female

    I totally get what you are saying Evan. I do. I’m not sure whether I agree with it though.

    I think this guy needs to take on board that there are things he can do in that relationship to keep these fresh upbeat and sparky.

    Being in a long term relationship and having chemistry are not two things that are mutually exclusive from eachother.

    All im hearing from this chick, is that yes, she does love this guy, but feel the passion, the chemistry is no longer there.

    Basically she is bored. And dam bored and she is wondering, if she is this bored and safe NOW … what will it feel like in 10 or 20 years time.

    No doubt that when you enter into a long term relationship the dynamic changes, BUT i think its the responsibility of BOTH partners to keep the spark alive.

    If they both can’t do that … then maybe its just not the right match.

    Hot Alpha Female
    The Only Women You Should Take Dating Advice From
    .-= Hot Alpha Female´s last blog ..The "Hes Just Not That Into" Rules. Do They Really Apply? =-.

    1. 50.1
      Mary

      I agree with you in this. I think also that people have different personalities so while one might want to go out and party all night, the other might not want to go out at all. If it’s like the wrong match there’s perhaps no making it work, however if it’s close then there’s a possibility.

  11. 51
    Amy

    It’s so tough. I’m 37-years-old and have been dating a great guy for 8 months but I’m not attracted to him. I feel like better for most of the guys I date than they are for me. They have financial problems, don’t have a real job, or don’t want kids. Now I’m with a real man who treats me very well. We have fun and have great conversation. When I met him, I wasn’t attracted to him. I’ve stayed with him because I know chemistry isn’t everything. Kissing him is very difficult. It simply doesn’t feel natural and I don’t have any desire to be intimate with him. My friends say to let him go, but I’ve had the chemistry in the past but most men weren’t marriage material. So, now I have the guy who would make a great husband and father, but I don’t want to kiss him. It’s not an easy choice for me.

    1. 51.1
      melissa

      You are not alone Amy. I am 100% in this exact situation. I am 38, he is 44 and he treats me like no man in my life has ever treated me before. Such respect and admiration and I know he has the attraction for me that I do not feel for him. I am ‘a good person’ and have the ability to like personality over looks, but it’s hard; because I’ve had ‘passion’ and it’s very exciting. But the passion does fade and often comes with a guy that doesn’t treat you well in all the ways you want. I also find it very difficult to kiss and be intimate and spontaneously touch this guy, but I stay with him because I am 100% emotionally fulfilled and we ‘get’ one another. It’s hard – to know you’re actually completely compatible with someone but not physically attracted.

  12. 52
    Everett552

    Sounds like #91 is settling.

  13. 53
    Subtle

    I am going through the same thing with my bf. But I am that woman. I am only 26 and him 25. We moved in together after a little over a year, have a child, but this child is not his biological son, but he is still his daddy. We have been together for 4 years. Great first 2 years and the last 2 years not so great. We never do anything together, we work, take care of our son, have a nice apartment together, etc… but he wants to sit at home on weekends, watch hockey, have friends over who are also my friends, and drink. I take blame for some of it, as I let it happen. After speaking with him about this for a very long time, I have decided to call it quits. I have opened up to him one last time, crying in the process. Nothing seems to work. We have even been in discussions about marriage, another thing he does not want and I would at least like to have the hope of one day having. He truly is an amazing person and I love him, but we are just too different and we want different things. So maybe this is how Fernando’s GF feels? That’s all I got. It’s hard to let go, I know and I am that girl.

  14. 54
    Andy

    Well Subtle, as the song goes, sometimes love just ain’t enough!!

  15. 55
    Subtle

    LOL so true…. but still we are finding it very hard to part. How do you convince another that it is the right thing? I find there is a lot of denial from his point as if this isn’t happening, but from where I am it is happening. My hope for this situation is gone, but maybe not his?

  16. 56
    All Carrion

    I’m also stuck in a “passion vs comfort” situation. I’ve been with my wife for 10 years total. Married for 3 of those. We’ve been separated 7 months. We did an in-home separation for a while, but she moved out about 3 months ago.
    I love her very much. I know she is a good person and I trust her. I know how big those factors are. However, the passion is gone from the relationship. She is not very aggressive sexually, but I wish she was. I would like her to be more outgoing in general. In fact, I couldn’t even reach orgasm over the last couple of years without thinking of another woman or having some sort of fantasy in my head.
    That’s not to say that’s she’s not attractive. She is, but more than just looks factor in.
    It’s confusing to me why all of the sudden these issues have come up based on how long we’ve been together. I’m a very passionate person in many facets of life. I love discovering more about myself and trying new things and she seems content to sit on the couch and doesn’t really have many interests of her own.
    I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes a couple of years ago and I wonder if that’s factored into the change.
    A year ago, I was on board to have a baby. When she stopped taking her birth control, reality set in and it became clear to me that I was not ready. I reevaluated everything.
    We tried therapy, but it didn’t make much of a difference. I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and seen some things that were not very easy to expose. I guess I thought that after she moved out, it would be clear to me which path was the correct one, but unfortunately I’m still just as confused.
    Maybe that in itself says something?
    If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, I’d love to hear them.
    It’s hard to walk away from that history and comfort and into the “unknown”. But I don’t want to be unhappy with my marriage and resent her. I think we’ll both end up miserable.

  17. 57
    Queen

    I love you but not in love with you, If someone ever tells any of you that, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is game!

  18. 58
    LS

    I just found this site. Read this post. I can see all sides of this logically and emotionally. We all are very different and different things are important to us. I was married for a long time and left because there was no passion. Security, be there for me… it was there. I married 29 years ago because, he brought lots of things into my life that I did not have but he never “felt chemistry with him, nor did he really turn me on”. It was always missing. So.. .I can see not settling. Since then I was in a relationship that was so passionate and sexually/emotionally ( satisfying and that we were compatible in so many other ways ) that I knew that I had found the man of my dreams….he called, wrote me love notes in my lunch daily, we communicated, we were there each other…. but one day after 2 years he just stated pulling away away and said “I am not “in love with you”… via text! Since then and pulling myself up and making several internal adjustments, I meet a man whom there was immediate mutual attraction. We have so much in common it is almost scarey, compatibilities, tastes, styles, preferences, faith, …. you name it it was on the same plain. He is in my life and leaves… “sighting that I dont turn him on, or look the part, have real sexual chemistry with me”…. OK go. But he has come back repeatdily we have these “breakthrus”… and thing are great. Then it repeats itself again. Ok… what is up here? If you are not “into someone, leave them alone”… and why come back?

    I have lived on all sides of the gammit. Relationships that offered Saftey, security,, be there unconditionally… to passion, awesome sex life,…. and recently find a person that life glides with but is totally rejected ” real sexual chemistry”. Yes I have been told to my face… you dont turn me on! In this last case he would be open for a short time but would not invest himself in creating any chemistry. he was like a cold wet fish… but attraction on multiple levels was there. I still cant figure that out.

    It is quite confusing and frankly and heartbreaking too.

    Relationships take work, and yes there is choices involved. Feelings come and go and they are stronger than others at times. We often do trade one set of problems for others. The grass is not greener on the other side, it is just different grass with weeds too.

    Because of my personal experience and living thru what I dont know if I will get it right. I dont think that we will find everything in one person. Committment is not a popular word anymore. We live in a bump and dump , convenience society. The longer I live the less I feel I know.

  19. 59
    ange

    “loves you undconditionally” Is romantic love unconditional? I have to strongly disagre. the only unconditional love is the love of a dog for its owner and possibly monther’s love with some extentions. In romantic love conditional part is what separates its from everything else. You have give many advices on how women can improve their love lives, and somehow there were always conditions for the ladies. No woman is going to love a man just because he is a man, he has to have and keep/evolve certain qualities that keep her interested. that’s the only way romantic love works.

  20. 60
    JDlover

    Hello,
    I just had the same problem I am a female and I had this boyfriend for 3 years. We broke up last year and during our 5 month breakup I dated one guy, we broke up and then I found this amazing guy that treated me with so much affection and passion than my bf of 3 years. Well, he came back wanting to be with me and I thought I could too., But I realized while being with him I couldnt stop thinking about passionate guy and the things he made me feel like “in love” feeling. So eventhough I got proposed too, I told my bf of 3 years I couldnt be with him and I went off to resume things with passionate guy. For now, things are good.

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