Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem


This is the second video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my big survey. Last week, I shared with you the revelation that men are about feelings, not just looks. And that the reason a man will want to marry you has everything to do with how he feels when he’s around you. Make him feel good, and he’ll want to say. Make him feel bad, well, you know the rest.

That idea was not to say that you’ve done anything wrong — you might be the sweetest, most loving, perfect girlfriend ever. I just think it’s surprising to women that men are really driven by their feelings — namely, how they feel around you.

Which is a perfect segue to today’s video, in which you will definitely find yourself nodding your head. After you listen to what I have to say, I’m confident you are going to save yourself YEARS of wasted time in the future.

You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.

What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man? Well, there’s the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it — the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.

That’s one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

This was incredibly apparent to me when I read your questions in my survey and received hundreds of comments from women attributing your relationship failures to attracting the wrong men. First of all, let’s get one thing straight…

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman — smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.

But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Join our conversation (118 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    Thanks Evan! I just had an “aha” moment. The last guy I dated, I had instant chemistry. So much so that I ignored the red flags and hung around even when he would not commit to me and was dating other women. He knew just what to do or say (putting in that minimal effort) to keep me around. After one incident, I had to leave. Like you said, it was my job to leave! It’s been almost 6 month’s & I’m okay…and happy!

    1. 1.1

      Yes!! I had an aha moment!!! Finally something that rings truth and I can relate to. Rachelle I was in the exact same situation. .exact! Thanks for sharing..it’s helps me in so many ways.

      1. 1.1.1
        Linda Sobel

        I love reading these positive posts. It is bloody hell hard to leave that kind of chemistry but as you get older you start to realize that each time we give in, we lose precious  time that we could be spending with our future Kings. Until that happens, we enjoy life everyday and only really get involved with men that really want what we want. 🙂

    2. 1.2

      That’s awesome. I just got out of a relationship today just like this. Thank you for the inspiration.

      1. 1.2.1

        That was for M.T. up there.

  2. 2
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks, Rachelle. And sorry to anyone having trouble downloading the video. We’re having a few technical difficulties and are trying to sort them out now (9amPST). Appreciate your patience. Hope you enjoy the video!

  3. 3
    Kathryn Spence

    This is a very good message. I know I feel guilty for "attracting" some of the men in my life. I´m getting better than I used to be in screening out the unavailable types, but it´s very nice to know that it´s not because there is something innately wrong with me. I actually do attract some nice guys, too, and being able to say it´s okay to be attracted to this guy – he´s great looking, there´s chemistry, etc., but you know what? He´s not available in one way or another and I´m not going there. He´s not for me! And I´m not a bad person because he was attracted to me.

    Thank you, take care, good session last night. Kathryn

  4. 4

    Thanks Evan, I really appreciated the comments in this video. I fall into the trap of only being interested in the men where I find chemistry, which is very rare, and then of course they usually end up not wanting what I want. I am curious if you think sometimes women are attracted to men because the men are unavailable. It seems like that is the case with me. If so, what can I do about it?

    1. 4.1
      Linda Sobel

      It boils down to loving ourselves. Think of yourself as your child. Would you want your child to date a man like the ones you describe in your comment? Hell no. Protect your inner child. 🙂


  5. 5

    "You don´t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men."

    BINGO! We have a winner!

    1. 5.1
      Linda Sobel


  6. 6

    you want to touch him, feel him, breath him in….that’s poetic, Evan. 🙂

  7. 7

    Evan – You nailed it with this one!

  8. 8

    Good Stuff, so true and I never looked at it that way! Amazing what an eye opener!

  9. 9

    Lol!! I think we are addicted to our own brain chemistry…IE the Hi we get from the right (though wrong) male 😛

  10. 10

    I have mixed feelings about this video.

    The first part of it sounds patronizing to the women viewers. "You are totally wonderful and it is the men who suck". Evan, you know I respect you and that I love reading your stuff, but you are spreading it on a bit thick in this video to flatter your customers/potential customers.

    I disagree with the implication that some women are only accepting the wrong men versus attracting the wrong men. I have no proof, but i believe in the truism that you attract what you put out. A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.

    Not accepting the wrong guys is a hugely positive move, but just doing that isn´t going to bring the right person into your life. It will just keep the wrong people out.I

    MHO, the best thing you can do attract the kind of person you want is to improve your life in that direction ( easier said than done ).

    I do think the idea of not accepting the wrong men and in that being power to avoid harm was brilliantly stated.

    1. 10.1

      I think you’re right on some levels. However, I think the universe will send you what you are Not as a way for you to express who you really are. So your choice to stay and deal with someone, says more about who you are,   than your actual attracting of them. So basically if you keep attracting jerks it’s probably because you keep choosing and accepting jerks on some level.  

    2. 10.2

      “A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa”

      I believe myself to be a loving warm person; I am also responsible, hard-working, and believe in making the right choices in life. I have fallen into the “chemistry” trap with someone who is addicted to cocaine and have been trying to pull him out of it for 5 years.

      This post was useful to help me understand – no matter how strong I feel the chemistry is, I should not accept this behaviour and not feel guilty for wanting more for myself.

      Thank you!

  11. 11

    I loved your second video as much as the first! Your advice is the dead on. I feel so much better already and you seem to know a LOT about what women are thinking. Your perspective is unique and makes me really think. I look forward to the next video and future insights into the dating world. It´s not easy being in this position so words of encouragement are uplifting in a world full of frustration. Thanks Evan!

  12. 12

    I too had an "ah-ha!" moment with your latest video blog. Can not wait for your book! Thanks Evan:-)

  13. 13
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Steve – Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry you’re cynical about my motives. I think we’re saying the same thing in slightly different ways. The truth is, Steve, that all of the things that women complain about here are real. Guys do a lot of things out of self-interest that hurt their female partners. This doesn’t mean they’re evil or that women should give up on men. This just means that there’s a reason so many women are down about men, and I wanted to acknowledge that – and remind them that they’re in control of how deeply they get involved with such guys.

    You know me, Steve. I’m not a He’s Just Not That Into You guy who tells women they’re perfect and not to “waste the pretty”. I’m all about personal responsibility and action. So let’s agree that the Power of Positive Thinking alone won’t create love, and let’s acknowledge that women have often struggled with men, through no fault of their own.

    The whole point of these videos and my upcoming book is to show women how to understand and connect with GOOD men, and dispense of the bad ones quickly. I hope it helps.

  14. 14

    Evan: I think this is one of your best pieces ever. You are right on!

  15. 15

    Be a person of integrity and character; then the undesirables will weed themselves out because they won’t be able to handle you.

    1. 15.1

      I agree to a degree however, undesirables are like stubborn weeds and seem blissfully ignorant to the fact that their weedy presence is unwanted amongst roses 😀 It’s usually up to us to dig deep and remove the annoying imposters before they get too comfortable.

  16. 16

    #15, Starthrower-

    That’s good, but I would add self-esteem to the mix. People might not want to hear it, but a lot of the time, no matter how outwardly successful they are, how nice, accomplished, etc. etc. the troubles with the opposite sex exist because women (or men) deep down truly feel that a balanced, loving relationship is not possible, for whatever reason. And yes…you get what you believe you’re capable of attracting.

  17. 17
    Karl R

    Steve said: (#10)
    “A dynamic life loving warm person is likely not going to be attracted to a low self esteem cynical person who stays at home 6 nights a week and vice-versa.”

    You’re only half right. The cynical, stay-at-home, low self-esteem person will be attracted to the dynamic, life-loving, warm person. It won’t happen the other way around, however.

    If someone is doing the right things to attract a good man (or woman), they’ll attract all sorts of men (or women). The better job they do, the more people they attract. They probably won’t attract the right people by doing the wrong thing, but they’ll certainly attract the wrong people by doing the right thing.

    In my dance class, the most desperate man with the lowest self-esteem recently started paying attention to the most desperate woman with the lowest self-esteem. They’ve been in the same class together for almost a year, but it took him that long to work his way down through the rest of the single women available.

    1. 17.1
      Tami Clegg

      You nailed it , that is so true !!! I am so glad someone here gets that , and does not blame the quality woman for so called subconsciously attracting the bad/wrong   men .

  18. 18

    I agree with this, but sometimes it’s hard to know if someone is wrong right away. Some people are very good at hiding or fudging the negatives that they don’t want you to see in the beginning. Obviously, they can’t be on their best behavior forever, but it’s the (often) uncertain early months of dating that many, if not most, of us struggle with, and I think that’s why. The problems start when the issues do come to light and we try to hang in anyway.

  19. 19


    People have said it before, but I think the real problem is that women do see signs very early in the beginning but ignore their intuition for a multitude of reasons (loneliness, desperation, fill in the blanks). I think a case of a guy not giving off some kind of sign, however minute, of being “bad” in the first 2 or 3 dates is very VERY rare.

    And even if a guy does behave perfectly- women have been known to ignore past behaviour (e.g. he’s estranged from parents, cheated on a girlfriends, etc.)

  20. 20

    But all those “bad guys” eventually become “good guys” once they meet the right woman. Otherwise, 95% of men out there are scum. To Karl @ 17: You are right; if you are attracted to someone “above” you, the chemistry probably comes from the false hope that this person would somehow make you more than what you are. Relationships among non-equals usually end in heartache.

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