Why Attracting The Wrong Men Isn’t The Real Problem

This is the second video based on the questions YOU wanted answered in my big survey. Last week, I shared with you the revelation that men are about feelings, not just looks. And that the reason a man will want to marry you has everything to do with how he feels when he’s around you. Make him feel good, and he’ll want to say. Make him feel bad, well, you know the rest.

That idea was not to say that you’ve done anything wrong – you might be the sweetest, most loving, perfect girlfriend ever. I just think it’s surprising to women that men are really driven by their feelings – namely, how they feel around you.

Which is a perfect segue to today’s video, in which you will definitely find yourself nodding your head. After you listen to what I have to say, I’m confident you are going to save yourself YEARS of wasted time in the future.

You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.

What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man? Well, there’s the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it – the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.

That’s one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

This was incredibly apparent to me when I read your questions in my survey and received hundreds of comments from women attributing your relationship failures to attracting the wrong men. First of all, let’s get one thing straight…

MOST men are the wrong men. If you were an average woman, you’d be able to be with an average man and be content. Since you’re an above average woman – smart, strong, successful – your standards are going to go up accordingly.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

So if, by your standards, 95% of men are the WRONG men, it makes it that much harder to find ANY guy to date, and makes each new man who does qualify seem all the more important. Once a guy passes through your strong chemistry filter, he’s in.

By this point, you’ve forgotten the third rule of chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.

Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn’t call you, doesn’t sleep with you, doesn’t compliment you, doesn’t make you feel safe, and doesn’t commit to you.

But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You’ve now discovered the real secret to why you’re in dead end relationships:

You don’t attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.

If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitmentphobes, your job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or committing. Your job is to leave.

At a certain point, it’s not his fault for being fundamentally flawed.

It’s your fault for thinking that your chemistry is powerful enough to change your broken relationship. Remember, most men are the wrong men. Men with chemistry are the ones who break through, but you give them a free pass.

You’ll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING the bad behavior of the wrong men… and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.

Join our conversation (116 Comments).
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  1. 61

    It depends what the “annyoing habit” is. Chronic tardiness could be a deal-breaker for some, even if it wasn't for Karl.

  2. 62

    The estranged from parents line made me laugh. I talk to my dad maybe 3 times a year and my sister even less (mom died when I was 18 so no talking there). No animosity, they just live on the opposite coast and they are not willing to put in the effort, and after several years I got tired of being the only one trying.

    My boyfriend has not spoken to his mom, dad, or brother in over 2 years. But then, I met them and thought they were pretty terrible people, so I am just amazed that he turned out to have a sense of ethics at all (which he does, and one of the best I have encountered).

    But I do see how it is a values thing. Jake and I are not having children, so being close with our families is not a priority for us – they are just regular people who can either be worthy of our company, or not, based on their behavior and how much they are willing to try to be a part of our lives. My family is not worth the hurculean effort they require, and his family is downright toxic.

  3. 63

    And this is precisely why I haven't been dating for the better part of 3 years. I know to resist the 'bad boys' – it doesn't make it any easier to not get caught up in the chemistry. I've been burned by some nice upstanding guys as well, btw. Things aren't always meant to be. I know when to not accept someone who I am not feeling chemistry with – also a very difficult thing, when you consider how lonely it's been. Chemistry, unfortunately, cannot be faked. I'm very adept at rejecting, culling, screening, and knowing what I don't want. I wish it was a bit easier to accept.

    1. 63.1

      Let’s also hope that guys also stop pursuing too much decreasing the input in the math and learn from women to pick and choose the ones they feel connection with, thus leaving women less overwhelmed.

  4. 64

    Evan 54: I do not know what you are talking about. You DID say only 5 percent of men are right, over and over again in your video. I never said 5 percent. I have never set such standards in my life, and have been married 10 years.

  5. 65
    Evan Marc Katz

    Okay, Helen, then this doesn't apply to you. The vast majority of my clients want a man who is taller, smarter, funnier, wealthier, has the same values and background, and wants the same things out of life. By my math, that leaves .001% of people. I rounded up to 5%.

  6. 66

    Women just need to take the time to evaluate what personal qualities they want and what emotional qualities they need.

    The wrong man is the guy who dosent meet both requirements.

  7. 67

    It really gets me that everyone always wants to put the burden on women. It's not the man's fault for being fundamentally flawed, but it's the woman's fault for dating him. That has got to be the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard. Men are selfish, lying, unemotional creatures without feelings and I treat them accordingly…that is, until I stopped dating a few years ago. Men only care about themselves; they don't care about others. They don't care about how their behavior and actions affect other people. Why not tell men to improve their behavior? I meet men who say one thing and do another, who put a ton of emphasis on sex I do not give under any circumstances. I was always told by so-called experts that if I told a man I wanted to wait for sex until marriage, he would respect me more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Men don't wait for sex and they don't want marriage. They don't respect women who don't have sex with them; they will leave and call you a bitch on the way out. So what does that mean for women? We have to give men what they want and never get anything in return? Men need to get over themselves and grow the hell up. About 99% of all men out there are worth less than nothing anyway.
    I am extremely picky and you should be, especially when it comes to the person you plan to spend your life with. Any man I decide is worthy of me will be 90% of what I want or it will not work. 85% is too low a standard for me. I don't give second chances; even lying about little things, like birthdays, age, living arrangement or whereabouts is grounds for dismissal–NO EXCEPTIONS. If men lie about insignificant things, they will lie about important things later on if he is not checked. Men don't want to work for anything and that is their problem, not mine. I will not do all the work in any relationship. I work hard and men should too.

    1. 67.1

      @ Shannon.  I’m guessing you’re above average in looks and could have your pick of men and over the years have found all of them disappointing.  I get it.  I’ve had that anger after giving up my best years to someone who was punching above his weight and still treated me like crap. Unfortunately, I was trapped with him due to having his children and no income.  It was soul destroying giving my all for a fat, lazy, ugly, cretin who didn’t give me the time of day.  However, EVERYONE men and women are 100% responsible for their own attitudes and reactions to their situations.  If you don’t like something – change it.  In your case, as have I, you have chosen to be single for the rest of your life.  That’s no biggie for me either, as frankly, the drama of relationships depletes me and I have bigger fish to fry.  However, I do have some wonderful male friends whom I wouldn’t be without and if I was bitter and angry my ex wouldn’t even know, so who is the one being ruined by bitterness?  I have no desire to have given up over 20 years of my life to someone who didn’t deserve them only to spend the rest of my life in a self imposed aura of negativity.  My experiences with dating men is very similar to yours, they are boring, manipulative and only care about sex.  I myself find 0% of men attractive. I’ve found one attractive in the last 26 years. Yes, ONE man in 26 years who I have even wanted to have sex with and loved talking to and spending time with.  He had a serious flaw that if I didn’t have daughters I would have been very tempted to overlook due to the feelings he could engender in me. Pure bad luck, I guess.

      I’m not so much picky, as just not interested.  I came here via a circuitous google route trying to find strategies to help me move on from that man and forget about him. I have stayed to read and in doing so, I’m even more negative about men in this world.  This website has backed up every negative thing I have ever suspected about men and more and the men who comment here are certainly not making me think “Gee, men are just poor misunderstood souls’, lol.. Their insistence on us needing to ‘accept’ that they are just animals and want sex because of evolution or some bullshit is scary.  I thought we had moved on from being apes, haha…. Ooops off topic.  We are responsible if we stay in shitty relationship with arseholes.  It took everything I had to leave that man but leave him I did because otherwise it would have been my decision to continue in a damaging situation.  I still mourn the good times.  Asking him to change, is not the solution. Men very rarely change – it’s one of their things.  If I had a dollar for every time my ex-husband said ‘If you don’t like it, leave” – I would not have needed a settlement, lol… In the end I took him at his word and left. If we stay we are responsible.

      It is a valid life choice to spend it alone – coming to peace with that decision is a process but when that finally happens – the sense of relief and peace is palpable. The happiest demographics are married men and single women.  That is something to think about. Truly. Take Care.

  8. 68

    @Shannon #67

    And obviously your strategy is working, as you said "… until I stopped dating a few years ago.".
    Why are you even here? So you've given up on men because you're cynical…then quit men, live without them, but for crying out loud, stop complaining about them. Date women if you think men aren't worth your time.
    You obviously hate men, and don't want one in your life. And your denigration of men certainly doesn't make us more sympathetic to you or entice us to actually care about you.
    And guess what-if a woman (or a man) continues to date someone who is untrustworthy, or treats them badly, then it is THEIR FAULT for not dumping the loser. They found the true nature of the loser, but stayed with them? That's just telling the loser that their behavior is acceptable!
    Good luck Shannon…you need it, and a LOT of introspection, and perhaps some therapy to work through your anger and blame issues. Because until you let go of all the perceived offenses you;ve experienced, you'll remain angry and unhappy.

  9. 69

    Ouch Shannon! All I can say is I am so thankful I haven't met the kind of men you write about. I sense you may have been severely burned by a man (or men), but don't let them continue to burn you by giving them this much power over you.

  10. 70

    I am glad I saw this video…
    I just ended a “relationship” with a man who I really liked.
    we had great chemistry when we had a date but he hardly called or it stayed to 1 date a week way.after noticing things when staying at his house my female intuition took over and I asked him if he was seeing other women (I know bad timing when you already slept together) and he said yes there is someone else too. I walked away at once.
    his reply was I have nothing to offer and you deserve the best.
    what does that mean when I guy says that evan?
    I was so loving our perfect time together, but feeling down in between for not getting more attention so yes now I think I let this happen…
    I am a gorgeous woman with talent and great things to offer, too bad some men don’t appreciate this.
    thanks for this blog, I have been diving into it…

  11. 71
    Karl R

    Wendy said: (#70)
    “what does that mean”  “I have nothing to offer”

    It means one or both of the following: 1) you want a different kind of relationship than he does; 2) you want a different kind of man than he is.

    Wendy said: (#70)
    “what does that mean”  “you deserve the best.”

    He likes you. He wants you to get the man/relationship you want … from somebody other than him.

  12. 72

    Evan…thank you.  I did not see your video because I was blocked-out, however I read your post.  I have always felt that the “he’s just not that into you” book and related concepts were a little harsh on women.  To Steve, it is a fact that there is a shortage of good men for the many quality women out there who are looking for them.  Just the fact that there are just 2 or 3 men (yourself included) for every woman on these blogs should indicate the uneven level of frustration for women vs. men in finding appropriate partners.   There is no need to get bent on Evan supporting women for a change here.  Remember, everything is relative.  Your view is your view and you may be one of the exceptional, quality men who is just as frustrated as women are.  But you are an exception.  Men have more dating options than women as men are typically in the driver’s seat with regard to the initiation of relationships.  Women are conditioned (and coached) to receive, mirror then decide.  Unless you choose to be an alpha female (do guys even want that?) who pursues, initiates and behaves like a man, sorry but most of the time it is the male who pursues, collects numbers, gets the milk for free, looks for the next best offer and then ultimately decides who to commit to.  Also, I do not believe that you always get what you put out in terms of attraction.  There are strong women who attract weak, insecure men and there are alpha males who attract submissive women.  I just may be a very supportive, reciprocal, attractive and kind woman and attract a similar male…the challenge for me is that most of the males I meet have several of these types of women to choose from.  Not my fault.  What I completely agree with is that “staying” with a guy when you know he is damaged goods falls on me – but I’ve yet to meet someone who shows you these cards on the first or second date.

  13. 73

    :)) true

  14. 74

    Great insight and point that if you are special and ‘extraordinary’ then 95% of the men out there do NOT fit. Not that you are choosing wrong, your match is harder to come by.  I am currently in a similar situation and expecting a child with this less than par man.  Being that I am already a divorced mother of one, I will have two children by the wrong man. Being a well educated, successful, intelligent person, I feel that this is far less than I wanted my life to be and a very sad situation. But I do know I am not happy and that I will never be happy with this lazy loser personality. He is an ex strip club manager and values frivulous friends and his image instead of his actual future and plan to make his life better. He is good with his life the way it is being a 45 year old man: accomplishing zero never finishing anything, having no real relationships with anyone including his mother ( which he didnt speak to for 20 years), having no money nothing to his name. And I accepted this. I am not unhappy that he spend his time watching porn at work instead of looking for a better job.  I accept that he works in a bar where he tries to be mr cool guy and text women that work for him and have inappropriate relationships. Now I am unhappy, pregnant and pissed I made this mistake once again.  And not only me but another child will suffer being pulled from one house to another never having mommy and daddy together. I very much wish I could change my perspective and happiness to make it work for the child. But you are correct that I accepted all of this, now I have to deal with it. I wish my expectations of my other half would be different, I wish I could be okay with the less than par life he wants to live, and do me.  Is that even possible? Because I know you cant change anyone else? Can you change your ideals And personality? I do not have what it takes to be a single parent to two boys to different dads. The first divorce broke me and my spirit. 

    1. 74.1
      Sebastian Moon

      Cynthia, I do feel sorry for you,  but may I ask *why* you keep punishing yourself with the wrong… bad boy types and ever considered a nice guy? It appears your values and what you seek in a guy are at odds… of what makes you happy.  So until you want to find happiness with a guy,  you need to realign your own values and what you seek in another guy.

      1. 74.1.1

        Cyntia – you can do this mum!!  I myself have been a single mum of three and got myself educated and into academia in that time.  I didn’t date or look for men though. Everything I had – all my depleted spirit went into my kids and my own growth.  You are going to have two little men to bring up.  Put all of your love into them and teach them to respect women.

        You don’t need a man and if you read the statistics on how many step parents hurt their partners kids it’s actually safer to stay away from relationships until they are grown up.  I’ve had one relationship since my marriage ended six years ago and he did not stay in my home with my kids there. We were together for 14 months.  One of my children never even met him (my youngest).

        You definitely can’t change anyone else – but you can be a successful single mum of two intelligent and sensitive boys.  It’s MORE than doable.  Create a support network of other mums and family and forget about men.  The strip club ex?  My experience with these types is that if you don’t chase him – he will eventually just fade away from his responsibilities and sometimes it’s better not to have dysfunctional parents in kids lives.  Don’t try and force him to be involved – let him be involved in a safe manner if he wants to but yep, he’ll disappear.  You can do this! Take Care.

  15. 75

    hey evan,
    i just discovered this blog and love the life that happens after your post a video.  I learn from those comments as well.  i am 62 and just NOW learning what I have been accepting regarding men, has always been wrong and yet i stayed. i was married for 7 years and 6 were unhappy. i stay in jobs too long as well if things are wrong. hopefully now, i can actually feel open to meet the right guy. i dont have more time to repeat over and over again being with the guy that is very very wrong for me.  what keeps me is attraction and as you know, often explodes in your face.  so hopefully i am coming out of not putting myself out there for fear of meeting guys that are not acceptable.  Thanks again for your article. 

    1. 75.1
      Talktothehands rules

      I am the same as you. Picking pen that don’t deserve me. Like you, at my age, their are a lot men I am attracted too that are wrong. The difference is I don’t go there now.  No time to waste. 

  16. 76

    I have gone through a couple relationships where the guy won’t commit. You’re response is empowering to women reminding us we have a choice to accept or not accept what is in front of us.
    My main weakness is trying to be friends with a guy when the dating didnt work out. We are just friends for a bit and then it goes sexual. Exes who are friends are the hardest to set boundaries to because I think oh i won’t be hurt emotionally because he is a friend and its only here and there that we have sex. And it always hurts unless the guy is a dick in which case there’s no use in being friends anyway.

  17. 77
    Mary Beth

    Yes you are correct.  We need to believe in having enough instead of hanging onto a wrong man hoping he will change.  I think it comes down to being realistic and having self love.  

    1. 77.1

      I wish more women had high self-esteem. I and a lot of good men I know are struggling finding a woman.

  18. 78

    hi there
    great video! and you’ve given me a whole new perspective, thank the Lord!
    and yes, chemistry has made me leap head first into a relationship, 18 months later and i’m in agony.  Blinded by chemistry, tho in the cold light of day I was always able to see what was lacking, but i hoped chemistry would win through!  I’ve walked away from this commitment phobic man, dating other women etc etc and try to keep walking as his phone calls are an instant draw back but watching your video has helped alot.  Thank you! 

  19. 79

    Thank you so much! I read that at the right moment and it truly resonated. It helped me to come to a realisation that was forming. I love the simplicity of your ideas, they cut through the nonsense : )

  20. 80

    I really enjoyed this video and it has made lots of sense as I am currently with someone who was awesome for first month or so now very unreliable.  Its been doing me head in but now I feel a bit better watching what you said 

  21. 81

    thanks this has shined a brand new light and like the others this was an a-ha moment for me .

  22. 82

    Thank you! Now I know what I have to do!

  23. 83

    Woman love bums. American suck.  They will let you down every time.  They want you for your money and that’s it.  Mgtow all.for me, I’ll keep my money

  24. 84

    Thank you, this helps a lot. I am recovering from a marriage with a narcissist and have had a couple of flings. One I was fine with being a one night thing, the other I was hoping for more, but ignoring the clear signs, even from myself.

  25. 85

    Holy SH**. Years of self help books and a quick google search led me here. Completely on point. I can’t belive such a short article might save me years more heartache.

  26. 86

    I actually hear what you are saying Marc. I have gotten to a point where I dont stay around the wrong men. I have never stayed moths or even years with men wjo are incompatible with me. I just simply leave if there are red flags but how many wrong men do we have have accept until we find the true one?

  27. 87

    Thanks man, love your video.  Spoke to me personally, but finally seeing things differently now.  I now know that i am the one accepting them.  It is my responsibility to reject them and not to worry about the fact that I attract them.  Thank you….. thank you………..

  28. 88

    Confronted and surprised with strong filter of chemistry at times, I’d think, to be honest, us guys are again to blame for the most part. I think we need to re-educate ourselves to finally and fully realize that we should drop some key behaviors when it comes to women and rid of the confusion we generate for them about men, in other words . In my opiniom, men need to cease being super goal-oriented when it comes to intimacy and start being a bit pickier, not dating down in order to get laid, respect themselves in a true sense -all of which naturally leads to a real respect for women in return.

    Seriously how mamy girls got confused and felt wrong chemistries just because of that particular selfishness of us men giving them wrong impressions. To make things worse, in my experience, I can tell I saw a signficant amount of women – not the majority though, feeling chemistry when meeting a guy who was seemingly unavailable. I mean take a closer look at the term ‘unavailable’ again, why on earth such a thing should ever trigger chemistry in a world in which people have every tools possible in their arsenal to date smart, more than ever?



    1. 88.1

      There is something deeper going on with that chemical attraction.  Google “unhealthy attraction”.

  29. 89

    I was very impressed by your video I  have a lot of confusion about how I perceive men  found it very helpful thank you

  30. 90

    While I agree with your post…I’ve dated almost 100ppl and still haven’t met anyone that person. It always ends because I find out something that I can not accept. Mostly some weird sexual proclivity. It’s sad really but I don’t think I want to date anymore. I’m tired.

    1. 90.1
      Sebastian Moon

      Hey Heidi, lol, I really laughed out loud at your comment. Seriously though, you’ve turned down a multitude of guys due to weird sexual proclivities!! – no offence but that is ridiculous!  Fetishes and weird sexual kinks are the spice of life!! Good luck,  but a “boring” guy is your best shot, as you sound like a very boring woman :/

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