You’re Attracted To The Wrong Men

Do you find that you’re attracted to the “wrong” men?

Do you ever wonder why you’re pulled in a direction that isn’t healthy for you?

Do you ever wonder what you can do differently?

Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

If so, join the crowd.

Often, the most attractive, desirable men are the WORST fit for your future.

Yet you can’t seem to help being drawn in by their charm and charisma.

It’s time to break free from the patterns of your past and create a new future, filled with kind, consistent men who treat you the way you deserve…

I love getting emails from you. I really do.

Because when you’re open with me, and I can be open with you, together, we can create magic.

I was reminded of the magic when I got a call from a private client just this morning.

Terri was telling me about how she’s always been a magnet for the wrong men.

She’s a strong, successful woman, and she likes alpha males. Charismatic, successful, charming, handsome, you know the type…

Except there are two problems:

Alpha males generally don’t like her.

The alpha males that do like her have some serious issues. They’re workaholics. They’re selfish. They’re narcissistic. They don’t make her feel special. They’re unable to commit. They’re always trying to get their way.

In other words, they’re alpha males.

Terri couldn’t help but be drawn to these guys even though she knew that these guys are toxic for her.

But after 40 some-odd years of failure, she realized that something had to shift. Charisma is attractive, but if it’s not coupled with kindness and commitment, who really cares?

Terri finally started to open up to “nice guys”. And she’s starting to see the light.

The guy she’s seeing now is great – and although she’s trying to find something wrong with him, she can’t find any compelling reason to break up. Such is the toxic pull that charismatic alpha males have on you that you actually will try to find problems with the men who treat you the best.

Now, you probably know – and routinely reject – nice guys. Their greatest faults are these: they’re too easygoing, they’re always trying to please, they don’t seem manly enough, and they’re not going to put up an argument because they want you to be happy.

How awful!

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past?

It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what YOU can do to move forward…

Contrast that with the flaws of the alpha male – who can be condescending, aloof, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, and self-obsessed.

Hmm…which guy seems like a better bet?

I know – but there’s this FEELING of ATTRACTION when you’re around an alpha male. And it draws you in every time. Why can’t one of these guys turn into your husband?

Well, you can never say never, but don’t you think that if alpha males were really good long-term prospects, you’d have landed one by now?

I want you to look back into your own dating history and replay all your most meaningful relationships.

If you’re anything like me, you’re at peace with your past. You can see why you dated certain people at certain times, but there’s really not anybody that you’d take back.

That’s the way it should be.

If you DO have someone you’d consider taking back, ask yourself if you’d take them back as they were – or would you take them back only in an idealized fantasy way?

Generally, you’d only be inclined to take the people back who DUMPED you.

I remember feeling like a couple of my girlfriends could walk on water. I would have done anything for them. But one dumped me after 6 months. The other dumped me after 3. And while both women were certainly impressive, I definitely overestimated them.

Have you been holding onto the ghosts of boyfriends past? It’s time to let go by learning why he’s gone and what you can do to move forward…

I’d like you to think about a man that you loved who hurt you. I’m not suggesting that this man is bad. I’m saying that you’ve given him WAY too much credit.

First of all, your future spouse doesn’t DUMP you.

Right there, that’s a character flaw. If relationships are about feeling safe and accepted, it’s hard to feel that when you’ve been dumped. You still might be in love, but that doesn’t mean that he is a good long-term prospect for you.

Second of all, your strong positive feelings usually cover up the negative ones. Which is how you could be genuinely in love with a man who is verbally abusive, who doesn’t call, who tells you how you need to change, and who isn’t emotionally available.

Looking back, if I had MARRIED some of the women that I THOUGHT I wanted to marry, I’d have ended up with partners who were selfish, jealous, temperamental, and judgmental.

I didn’t realize this until years later, when comparing them to my wife. Maybe I was less “whipped” on my wife, but she was far less selfish, jealous, temperamental and judgmental than my exes. In other words, she was a much better match for me.

When you’re insanely attracted to someone, you tend to ignore his bad qualities.

And if you end up MARRYING that man out of passion, well, guess what – you’ve bought his bad qualities for life. Congratulations on your passionfest. Have fun fighting.

Believe it or not, I’m not here to tell you that all alpha males are jerks and commitmentphobes. I WILL tell you, however, that the alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life. Alpha males assert their wills, work hard, play hard, like to conquer, and have enough ego to fuel a rocket ship.

The alpha qualities that attract you are the very things that create conflict in your life.

…So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

You have to be willing to be #2 with an alpha.

And if you’re not wired that way – if you’re looking for true equality – you’re a lot better off finding and appreciating a man who wants equality as well.

That would be the nice guy who doesn’t excite you as much.

You spend so much time looking for someone who dazzles you and not enough time looking for someone who is dazzled by you.

Partnership is about finding someone who thinks YOU’RE worth sacrificing for. If you’re the one making all the sacrifices because he’s too stubborn or egomaniacal, you’re just going to build up a lot of resentment. As you can already see.

Attraction and chemistry are great relationship starters, but compatibility and compromise are the things that allow you to sustain it.

So instead of going for the short-term sugar high that always results in the same exact crash, start thinking of what’s healthiest for you in the long-run.

Chances are it’s not the guy you’re most “attracted” to. It’s probably the guy you’re most compatible with…

Ready to break the patterns of the path and find a man who’s ready for commitment?

Click here to learn about my Inner Circle, in which I’ll personally guide you into a relationship in a matter of months…

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Rain

    I enjoyed your article a lot…..and i cant believe i am about to say this but there is a kind and tender guy around me now after getting out of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. But for some reason i cant seem to be attracted to him more than a friend…
    Maybe my nice guy is coming soon, since all i see around me are alpha males who are all over the place trying to prove their manhood in ways that absolve them of that tile.
    Rain

  2. 2
    Bill

    At the end of the day a large group of women will understand this and snatch these men up. If you wait too long the the kind of men that will treat you right diminishes greatly the older you become because they are in stable long term marriages. If you are 40 and single you are probably going to have to take the table scraps for men who would treat you right because they are snatch up by smarter women while they were young.

    1. 2.1
      Sarah

      You are a fool. And by fool I mean the lower part of the body that has an orifice. 
      You must be those table scraps, I assume, and although I am 29, I would like to warn the lovely ladies who are a bit more mature and whose ranks I will inevitably join someday (hopefully, of course!): We do leave you lovely ladies plenty of kind and reasonably handsome men (even younger men), so no need to settle for Bill just yet! 

  3. 3
    Denise

    #1 Rain & #2 Bill

    Geez Louise, life is not over and all hope is lost because one is 36 or 40 and has not found ‘the one’.  I would actually say there is more of a chance to find someone because as men get older, their life situations are starting to change too–divorces and death.  I also see plenty of eligible men above 40 on line who have not find the right woman.  Actually, I think that’s a good sign – they didn’t fall for ‘any woman will do’.  Also, what I have found too is that men who are 40+ have done some self analysis and learning moreso than younger women–they will make better partners.

    I also think we come to these types of realizations as we get older and have more life experience.  And at some point, be open to ideas such as what Evan is suggesting here.

    I do NOT believe in “settling” (I settled at 28 because I wanted to have children, and am now divorced for 2 years, good guy, just not the right guy for me)–all 3 things for a relationship to be happy and last and be healthy must be there:  physical attraction and emotional attraction/friendship and similar beliefs/values/commitment.

    However, what I have learned as I’ve gotten older, thanks too to Evan for pointing this out and for me experiencing it, is that physical attraction is not always the best looking guy.  A man, who is masculine, sexually confident and mature can create this physical attraction, pretty amazing thing actually.  (I’m not talking about somebody that someone finds to be not attractive at all and can’t stand the thought of them touching them.)

    Just be open to other types of men.  I also think it’s rare (but NOT impossible) to find true love.  What I’m saying is that most men we date will NOT be the ‘one’.  We just have to be saavy enough to recognize when he might be the one, and let that opportunity flourish (and you’ll know it if you’re open!)

     

  4. 4
    Goldie

    Now that we’ve all established that alpha males are bad news, can we talk about the other end of the spectrum? Guys with extremely low self-esteem. Guys that hold on to you for dear life because they are convinced that no one else will have them, and neither will you, after you see them for what they “really are”. Guys whose pillow talk includes phrases like “Finally – I haven’t had any in ages!” Since I’m around geeks all my life, in work, family, and social settings, I run into this kind of man fairly often and I find them just as toxic as the alphas. What I want to know is, how do I find the golden medium – a confident, balanced man with a positive outlook on life who isn’t full of himself at the same time? Do these people even exist?
     
    Of course, according to Bill here @#2, I should shut up and eat my table scraps 😀

    1. 4.1
      Dave

      Such “balanced” guys do exist…. just look for the guys in a good mood most of the time who aren’t trying to look like badasses. Both Alphas and the low self-esteem guys are usually “moody”, so they are easy enough to identify.

      We attract who we are….

  5. 5
    starthrower68

    @ Goldie, that was outstanding!

  6. 6
    Laura

    I wholeheartedly agree with this article. I’m 27 years old and I had always in the past dated alpha males… the ones who wouldn’t fully commit, played games, weren’t emotionally available, and kept me second guessing all the time. Yet, I thought it was worth it because they were hot, macho, exciting, and popular. Finally I had enough and met an amazing, sweet, generous, committed, and genuine man who is now my boyfriend. I never second guess with him. I would have overlooked him in the past, because he’s not my ideal looking man and is very safe and caring. Now, I find it so refreshing to date a man like this. I guess when I started shifting my attention to what makes good “husband material” vs who is “fun to date” I discovered a nice guy is the best way to go.

    1. 6.1
      Alie

      I agree so much with you Laura. I have ALWAYS dated the guy who wouldn’t FULLY commit or the Project as i like to call them. Shit i even lived with someone who turned around and said he didn’t know what he wanted.

      then finally i met the nicest most caring loving happy smart intelligent hard working man who is ON THE SAME PAGE AS ME. It was NOT easy to change MY ways. (chasing the wrong men over and over again) But 5 months into this relationship i have noticed its literally me that needed to change. I am so incredibly lucky to have this person by my side and i cant wait to see the future.

  7. 7
    R.C.

    Denise # 3,   Thank you!

  8. 8
    Karl R

    Goldie said: (#4)
    “can we talk about the other end of the spectrum? Guys with extremely low self-esteem. […] I run into this kind of man fairly often and I find them just as toxic as the alphas.”

    I agree that those men can be toxic, but I don’t see why anyone would need to be warned away from them. They’re not appealing, so nobody desires to be with them. When your better judgment tells you the insecure man is trouble, you quickly agree with your better judgment and leave.

    Goldie asked: (#4)
    “how do I find the golden medium – a confident, balanced man with a positive outlook on life who isn’t full of himself at the same time?”

    How do I find a car that’s high performance, has great gas mileage, and is economical? The easy answer is to buy three different cars. The more reasonable solution is to buy a car that has a balance of those qualities which is acceptable to me.

    Similarly, you need to find a man who is sufficiently confident without being too full of himself. Or you can find a man who has one trait in quantity and can fake the other when necessary.

  9. 9
    Dean Kaplan

    Well so is life–there’s positives and negatives to every person, place, or thing.  I’m somewhat of an Alpha male myself, and I find it a constant job to remember to do nice things for my wife.  I enjoy doing nice things for her, however, I’m wired so that I’m always thinking about work and being a better provider for the family.
     
    Laura said: (#6)
    I never second guess with him. I would have overlooked him in the past, because he’s not my ideal looking man and is very safe and caring.

    I’ve found that women are more likely to deal with a not-so-attractive man than men are to do the same.  I’m not talking about you directly, Laura, it’s just an observation.  Might this be because us men are so visual, and women tend to be more emotional?  I’ve always wondered about that…

  10. 10
    Jadafisk

    I gravitate towards men who aren’t very desirable to other women for a variety of reasons – I consider myself lucky because I have strong, yet uncommon physical preferences, so they are extremely attractive to me. They’re also my “speed” (low) as far as extraversion and personal magnetism are concerned. I’m strongly repelled by what people would call “alpha males” in particular* and the idea of being in a relationship with an extreme power differential in general. However, the guys I prefer evince a similar lack of desire to commit to me because my racial background marks me as a “bad girl” in the eyes of their parents. As “nice guys”, they’re conscientious and considerate (a less charitable reading would be duty-bound and obsequious) of the wishes of those who’ve contributed so much to their lives, which leaves me way less cheated on, but just as chronically single as the girl who chases alphas.

    Also, just because a guy can’t “live the dream” doesn’t mean they wouldn’t prefer it. Sometimes a non-alpha who ardently wishes he were is worse than an actual alpha. A guy who does cost/benefit analysis and decides fo commit to one woman because it’s the only way he can get consistent, legal sex doesn’t instill his mate with confidence, and it’s nowhere near as exciting as the (admitted) allure of the alpha male – that a man with so many appealing choices chose you.

    *Their “smoothness” seems slick and shallow, I can’t relate to their displays of stereotypical masculinity, and I immediately compare their achievements to my own instead of the achievements of other men, which leaves me dissatisfied and introspective rather than awed.

  11. 11
    Diana

    I know men who are more well rounded or balanced. They are not completely “alpha” or “nice.” That’s the best kind of man to find.
     
    Also, I was married to a very nice man for many, many years. He fit the bill perfectly, based on all of the traditional descriptions: easy going, kind, patient, supportive, respectful, comforting, etc.; very much like me. 🙂 And I grew to fall madly in love with him. But I can share with you that the “always trying to please” and the “not putting up an argument because they want you to be happy” isn’t necessarily as good a thing as it first sounds. It depends on the individual man and his emotional internal life. Always trying to please and not argue may actually have little to do with the woman he loves.

  12. 12
    Denise

    #9 Dean

    I’ve found that women are more likely to deal with a not-so-attractive man than men are to do the same.  I’ve found that women are more likely to deal with a not-so-attractive man than men are to do the same. 

    Isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  🙂 

    I know what you are trying to say.  What I said above still holds, but I do think there are ways for people to create attraction.  Because women are more complex and multifaceted, there’s more opportunity for a man to create that attraction, no matter what he looks like (within some parameters of course for her).  Then once sex starts happening, there is a physical change in women that makes them more emotionally connected with the man.  The ‘looks’ fade into the background.

    In regard to a man not wanting to stay with a ‘not as attractive’ woman, as we know, a Pretty outside does not always translate to Pretty inside.  I think men tolerate a lot more from women, maybe because she is attractive and he wants to keep her or he doesn’t want to hurt her by breaking up or he doesn’t want her wrath from breaking up.

    Then there’s the status things for men.  Men are more about status then women (in regard to other men).  So a man who has a universally accepted hot woman has more status than a man who doesn’t (or an older man can get a younger woman), so he could stay in there for that.

    So I guess what I’m saying is he’s looking more superficially at first, then kindof gets ‘stuck’ with her, where a woman who is open to all kinds of men, lucks out because the non-hot man from the outside is the one that captures her heart.

    Men are more visual than women, but that doesn’t mean women aren’t visual as well. 

    What do you think about those points?

  13. 13
    Steve

    I vote for Jadafisk  with #10 has having the most interesting post in this thread.
     
    Jadafisk, would you care to fill in the details to your interesting account?
     
    The second part of your post referring to how the men you like are extremely loyal to the preferences of their parents makes me guess that you are into first generation Asians.   Am I guess right?   I’m guessing you being of the “wrong race” for their families means that you aren’t similarly Asian to these men?
     
    What are the physical traits that you find attractive that you think isn’t common for other women to be attracted to?
     
    Like I wrote, your post is very different and if it isn’t an imposition for you I would love to have my curiosity satisfied.

  14. 14
    Goldie

    #11 Diana, I can sort of relate. I was married to a man that was overly nice, always trying to please, always giving in to people in the outside world, but who could be pretty stubborn and abrasive with his immediate family. Of course, by the time I figured that out, I was his immediate family, wondering what happened to the nice guy I’d been dating. When I finally separated from him, none of our friends could understand what had possessed me to leave the nice guy 😉 Can’t blame him too much though, because I have this problem myself – I have an incredibly hard time saying no. I think it has to do with my generation’s authoritarian upbringing. Still, to me, overly nice and agreeable is a red flag  – instead of agreeing with me on everything, a man should be able to negotiate and work with me towards a solution that suits us both.
     
    @ Dean #9: I’ve found that women are more likely to deal with a not-so-attractive man than men are to do the same.  I’m not talking about you directly, Laura, it’s just an observation.  Might this be because us men are so visual, and women tend to be more emotional?  I’ve always wondered about that…
     
    Oh, everybody draws the line somewhere 🙂 As long as the man has minimally decent looks and an awesome personality, I know that, over time, he’ll grow on me and I will then find him attractive, regardless of what he actually looks like. After a while, you stop noticing this type of thing. My ex has a minor physical disability. During the first few dates, yeah, it took me a lot of work to try not to notice it. For the majority of our twenty years together though, I did not even remember that he had it. Not sure how it works with men, but, since relatively few happily married women in my age group look like models, I’d say it’s probably the same way.
     
    @ Karl: I agree that those men can be toxic, but I don’t see why anyone would need to be warned away from them. They’re not appealing, so nobody desires to be with them.
     
    They are appealing to me. I love geeks. All out, through and through, Big Bang Theory type of geeks. Unfortunately, with that group, self-esteem issues often come with the territory.

  15. 15
    Steve

    A few posts back Evan mentioned a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” written by a shrink who explains the “syndrome” of “Nice” ( insecure, passive-aggressive, approval seeking, nasty, wimpy ) guys.   The bits Evan mentioned interested me as they matched some observations I had been having about people for a while.   I decided to read the book.
     
    I highly recommend that other people do the same.   It made sense out of the actions of a lot of people I have known.

  16. 16
    Jadafisk

    13. Well, I strongly prefer short (below 5’7”, and the shorter the better, up until perhaps 4’9” or so) and slender men (some women feel awkward dating a man who’s the same size or more slightly built than them, I discovered that I feel like Marilyn Monroe) who aren’t very socially gregarious. Half are first generation, half are second gen. They often share my relative inexperience with dating and respect my physical conservatism, while also sharing my political leanings. I live in a large Southern city, so that’s a big deal and a difficult combination to find. But I am black, and that will almost always be a problem when it’s down to the wire, and so I face the exact same issue – do I date the type of guy that I’m most attracted to, the type of man that I share traits and values with even though it means that I may never marry, or do I have to compromise, too, even though I have an affinity for and a history totally composed of the type of guys that many women have to be sold on after years of getting burned by masters of the universe types or outlaw bikers, because, despite being a nebbish geek myself, I may be the equivalent of an outlaw biker for those men…

  17. 17
    Steve

    @Jadafisk #16
     
    Thanks for indulging my curiosity.  Just out of curiosity, how tall are you?

  18. 18
    Jadafisk

    I’m 5’2”.

  19. 19
    Becki

    Since most of this information is aimed at smart, strong, successful women, maybe the “alpha male” feels less intimidated by them?  So perhaps we’ve actually had MORE success in dating an alpha male, even though marriage hasn’t necessarily followed.  I think I married one… and I think I just broke an engagement with one.  So I’m pretty sure that after a while, I’m not all that attracted to the “alpha male.”  My father was a university professor… a thoughtful, kind, sensitive and extremely intelligent man.  I’m pretty sure… that doesn’t fit the “alpha male” role… in fact… it probably fits the dreaded “nice guy” role.
    This article makes it sound like “nice guys” are a dime a dozen, well, maybe not a dime a dozen, but easier than alpha males to find… they aren’t and it seems like I have a much tougher time finding them AND having them be attracted to me.  After an 18 year marriage and 4 fabulous children… I’ve been divorced for 12 years.  I’ve dated what seems like every available male within reason of my age range and distance from my home… and there have been few that have even come somewhat close.
    Maybe it just seems harder to find whatever it is you are looking for?

  20. 20
    bleh

    “The guy she’s seeing now is great – and although she’s trying to find something wrong with him, she can’t find any compelling reason to break up. Such is the toxic pull that charismatic alpha males have on you that you actually will try to find problems with the men who treat you the best.”
    So very true – this has been the hardest part for me. It’s really difficult not to crave the excitement and chemistry you get from your type, even though you consciously know that type isn’t good for you. Thanks for this one, Evan. It really helps.

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