Can Weight Loss Ruin Your Relationship?

Can Weight Loss Ruin Your Relationship?

21 couples participated in research where one partner lost 30lbs or more and how it impacted their relationship. While many were happy and felt closer emotionally and sexually, in other couples, the weight loss caused complications and triggered fundamental insecurities.

“The thinner partners began nagging their significant others to hit the gym. People whose weight hadn’t budged became critical, disinterested in sex, and even tried to tempt their partners with fatty foods in order to derail their progress. The difference between happy and not-so-happy couples boiled down to the amount of support in the relationship. When both partners were on board with a weight-loss plan, they felt closer. But if one person resisted, their bond suffered.”

This is basic human psychology, but it doesn’t make it any less confusing or painful. The thin partner becomes evangelical about weight-loss and wants to spread that joy to everyone around her. The partner who is content being heavy feels left behind and resentful, as if being fat isn’t “good enough”.

She dumped me three times based on her belief that a guy like me would never be faithful to a woman like her.

“Weight loss causes relationship stress because it triggers people’s fundamental insecurities,” Bethany Marshall, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, tells Yahoo Shine. Some people interpret their partner’s healthy lifestyle as a sign he or she is focused on their own life, which can feel exclusive. It’s also possible that one person appreciates the other’s new, leaner body, but not the attention it brings from the opposite sex, says Marshall.”

Weight loss is a very personal issue for me, since I’ve had at least two girlfriends who lost over 50lbs prior to dating me. One of them, in particular, remained insecure about her body long after she’d gotten thin. She’d get upset when men looked at her in the gym (because they never would have done that before). She’d freak out if I looked at a model on the cover of a magazine (because how could I be attracted to my girlfriend if I also found models appealing?). While my girlfriend had dropped the weight, she still saw herself as the heavy girl with the chip on her shoulder. I felt sympathetic to her but was never able to make her feel secure in her own skin. She dumped me three times based on her belief that a guy like me would never be faithful to a woman like her. She was wrong, but I hope she’s happy, and doesn’t carry around her psychological baggage the way she used to.

If you have lost weight or dated someone who’s lost weight, please, share your experiences below.

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  1. 1

    It would seem from the article that the problem isn’t weight loss, it’s insecurity… just like so many other things in relationships! If you look at diet and fitness as a source of power over others, then of course you’re going to want to throw it in people’s faces if you have it, and feel threatened by other people who you think are more fit than you.  
    None of this is to discount the difficulty of untangling one’s identity and one’s worth as a person from one’s appearance, diet, fitness level, etc. … But for the healthiest relationships (with others and ourselves), it’s got to be done. Even though it’s incredibly @#&* hard.  

  2. 2

    After my divorce in 1995, I lost 80 pounds on Weight Watchers, going from a size 20 to a 6. I dated lots of great guys, and made it a policy not to tell them I used to be very heavy unless or until they became a steady boyfriend. By far the most handsome (athletic, 30-something young Robert Redford lookalike) told me over dessert on our fifth or sixth date that he had gone out with a woman who’d lost a lot of weight, which he hadn’t known when he first asked her out. Once he found that out he dumped her, because he believed there was a “better than even chance” she’d gain it all back and more. Then he proceeded to ridicule his mother and sister for their lifelong weight problems. It was like a window into how he would treat me one day if I ever gained my weight back. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with him again.

    1. 2.1

      I just read this news story from a couple of months ago about a man suing and divorcing his wife because she gave him ugly kids, and this story made me think about what you said.
      The woman had   about $ 100,000 worth of plastic surgery before she met the husband and he didn’t know about it, and from the picture she really did look like an entirely different person. I honestly do understand your reasons for not telling a guy at first until he see’s all you have to offer, which is more than just your facial appearance or your body. Many people (yes women also) don’t want to be with a person who they think may become unattractive and/or over weight…
      But as I read the story I couldn’t help to feel sorry for the woman, if you truly love someone would how she “use” to look really matter? So my point to you is, do you really want a man who would leave you for something so silly as how big you “use” to be or that you “might” gain the weight back? I personally don’t think you need to tell him at all, if it comes up, it comes up, but if he never asks… In the story you told about the handsome guy, I would have said something, he was being a horrible date, son and brother in my opinion.
      That story about the man suing his wife because he wanted attractive kids did help me understand why women didn’t like to date men under 6 feet tall, everyone wants physically attractive children and to most people that means height, facial appearance as well as body shape.

      1. 2.1.1

        Just as an FYI, that story was proven to be false and you can find it at   It was pretty embarassing b/c a LOT of online media outlets published it.   Although I feel that the amount of plastic surgery that is the norm in many countries COULD potentially result in that outcome.   
        It’s just that in this case, the photo you saw was photoshopped.

  3. 3

    The title of this linked article and blog is a bit misleading. When I read it, it assumes both people were heavy, one person lost weight and then that new dynamic created problems. I agree with Evan’s comments on why that can cause problems.
    But the article doesn’t take into account  when one person starts off overweight and the other person is fit. Now if the overweight partner loses weight and is much closer in fitness level with the in shape partner, that can only be good. How in the world can that be a bad thing? Of course the article doesn’t interview 21 couples in that scenario and provide a fair ad balanced report.
    Ask any ripped guy who is in shape if his woman loses 30 lbs and rocks a bikini will cause problems. I don’t think so. And ask any woman who has a small waist and  small butt if her couch potato, beer belly boyfriend hit the gym and got 6 pack abs if that would cause a problem. I think not.

    1. 3.1
      Karmic Equation

      I think most people date people who fall within their acceptable weight/height ratios. So a fit person dating a fat person typically is ok with that person being fat (ever heard of “chubby chasers”?) So if that person’s value to the fit person is that s/he is zaftig, then if that person decides to get fit, there would certainly be issues in that relationship because the fat person is now NOT the shape the fit person is attracted to.

      I think most problems occur when either the man or the woman becomes heavier than the weight that their SO’s started dating them at, particularly if one stayed fit and the other gained significantly. To some extent that happened with me and my ex-husband. I gained those “relationship pounds” but he stayed fit. But he loved me enough to accept me at my heavier weight and ultimately it was I who decided to initiate a divorce and not him, for reasons other than weight.

      In my next relationship, my partner also gained those relationship pounds and we were happy together at our new weights because we didn’t care. There were times when I would ask “aren’t I fat to you?” and he’d say, with complete sincerity, “No I think you’re perfect.”

      It depends on the relationship. When a man truly loves you, the extra pounds don’t matter UNLESS they matter to YOU and you let YOUR insecurity about those pounds affect your and his relationship (e.g., less sex because you’re self conscious; more jealousy if he stares a little too long at the in-shape waitress, etc.).

      I’m 5′ 150#. The scale says I’m obese (I don’t look it). The BMI index says I’m very unfit (true, but I’ve don’t look like what those #s tell you and I’ve started to work on my fitness) — Neither of those measurements are representative of what I look like IRL. So I can’t let the numbers dictate how I feel about myself. I let the attention of the opposite sex tell me how I should feel about myself. I attract men wherever I go. Sometimes men that I think are well out of my league.

      There’s a saying, “Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” I think this can apply to weight as well. If you’re relatively attractive to start (at least a 6+), confident, happy, radiant, accepting of men, with no insecurities, and know how to maximize your assets and minimize your faults, you’ll never be lacking in positive male attention.

      My weight has never factored into my relationships, because it never crossed my mind that it would. It has now only because I’ve realized I’m much more attracted to fit men. So fair is fair. If I want fit, I have to be fit. Thus I’m working hard to have that bikini bod by the summer.

      So ultimately, how the “fat” or “formerly fat” person feels about themselves have more to do with their ability to attract (and retain) others than whether they’re actually still fat or not, imo.

      1. 3.1.1

        <p>Karmic I love your fit for fit philosophy it’s SO TRUE! But I’ve noticed a trend online with dating in, “most” people -both men and women- are attracted to someone who has a fit body. Like Karl R said, it’s not everyone’s type, but a lot people are attracted to fit bodies. I completely agree with the BMI comments, I have noticed that a lot of men and women with bulging waist lines don’t think they are fat, but to me they are… Again that’s just my person choice, like Karmic I hate the gym but I force myself to because then waist are what I’ m attracted to. I can’t speak for everyone who is over weight, but I know a lot of men and women with just slightly bulging stomachs and waist who don’t want to date others that don’t have magazine cover bodies, but when I tells these same women I don’t want to date her because of her body (and yes I always try to avoid telling her the real reason I’m not attracted to her), then I’m wrong and shallow…<p>
        <p>I guess my question is, would it just be better to disappear after you met in person instead of telling the person the truth? I always try to make up a nice excuse and they always grill me until I tell them the truth… Then they always succeed in making me feel bad for rejecting her for her bulging or sagging waist, so a relationship that should have ended on date one, last until date 5, and again, these aren’t fat women, they just have that small bulge around the middle, which I can never really see clearly on online photos, but I just don’t understand why does it have to mean that I’m shallow, narcissistic or only about looks if I’m not attracted to her body? Why can’t it be like what Karmic and Karl said, it’s just what I’m attracted to? I’m not forcing my beliefs or desires on women, but many of them force theirs on me by saying I’m wrong and making me feel horrible for not giving her a chance just because of her bulging waist line…<p>
        <p>Just look at Hollywood, the good guy is the guy who goes after the cute fat or average built girl and the selfish jerk is the guy who goes after the girl (who is also usually shallow, mean, selfish or not to intelligent) bikini model type girl. Why can’t it be that both girls have great personalities and the guy is still a good and fair person for choosing the women with the better body?<p>

        1. Karmic Equation

          Personally, if a man doesn’t call me after date 1, I assume he’s not interested and just move on. However, I found it really classy when one guy messaged me and simply wrote “Hi Karmic. It was nice meeting you but I don’t feel we’re a fit. I wish you the best of luck in your search.” I wasn’t into him either (he drank a Bud to wash down his breakfast on a breakfast date. Alcoholic perhaps?) – So it saved me the trouble of disappearing or saying no to him. Nevertheless, I thought he was classy to message me. So you can’t lose by sending a “I don’t feel we’re a fit” message.If a woman continues to nag at you after the “We’re not a fit” message, you should ignore her. She has issues.  The only thing that wouldn’t be considered an issue would be if she sent you an “exit interview” message. You’d have to get the info from Evan as I’m not sure what such a message contains. In that case, you can own your preferences and be honest. “I’m attracted to fit women, as I stated in my profile. I think you’re a nice person, but fitness, or rather lack thereof, is one of my dealbreakers. I wish you the best of luck in your search.” So make sure you state that criteria in your profile. The nicest way to phrase it that I’ve seen is “I live a healthy and fit lifestyle and am looking for a partner with similar lifestyle commitment.” Problem solved. Most women would self-select out.  
          Having said that, Gabe (hope I can call you that :)) — Let’s take Evan’s teachings and turn it to men. Let’s say you’re in the 95th percentile in looks. Fit and handsome. You’re looking for the same in a woman fit and pretty, in the same 95th percentile. And let’s assume you don’t make as much money as others. And you’re not as good a communicator. *YOU* don’t meet HER criteria. How would you feel if she decided she didn’t like you because you work a 40k job and she wanted someone with a 45k job. Would you think she were shallow? Would you think how much difference does 5k really make? I’m the same man at 40k, 45k.
          That said, if you read “Sex at Dawn” they briefly talk about neuro-plasticity. Women have more of that. Men not so much, so give yourself a break if you can’t be attracted to any woman who even has a slight pooch. Then you might not ever want to get married or have children, because child birth does a number on a woman’s body and you may not ever again be attracted to the mother of your children. That would be so sad, don’t you think?
          It’s ok to be attracted to what you’re attracted to, but it’s a common stereotype that the hottest women tend to be the craziest. The other thing they tend to be is the most insecure which is the root cause of their crazy, imo. As long as you can deal with that, there will be plenty of women for you to pick from. But most hotties are neither cool nor truly confident, particularly as they start aging. So you’re going to have to live with a lot of drama. You up for that?  
          You can be picky, but maybe try not to be THAT picky. Have you tried and you can’t get it up unless the woman’s waist is teeny-tiny? I mean don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.  


    2. 3.2

      actually i am slim and my partner is loosing weight and he isa big guy and guess what, i am so insecure but it would be unfair to say that it is my fualt because he has not supported me and reasured me that he is the same person, infact im worried he is changing apart from me and the lack of his support and general awarness of how i am feeling, being now interested in himself more so than he was before leaving less time for US and even ME , is a change i am struggling to like

      1. 3.2.1
        Karl R

        seb said:

        “i am so insecure but it would be unfair to say that it is my fualt because he has not supported me and reasured me that he is the same person,”

        If he’s not the same person, who has he become?   Richard Nixon?   Anne Boleyn?   Gary Coleman?

        Your boyfriend has all the same DNA, all the same thoughts, all the same memories.   Of course he’s the same person.   He probably hasn’t bothered to reassure you of that fact, because he assumed you were smart enough to figure that out.


        Not only are you insecure, but you’re also trying to blame him for your insecurity.


        seb said:

        “infact im worried he is changing apart from me and the lack of his support and general awarness of how i am feeling, being now interested in himself more so than he was before leaving less time for US and even ME”

        It sounds like your relationship is taking the normal course.   It’s transitioning from the short-lived period where you’re infatuated with each other and trying to spend most of your time together, and turning into the more relaxed relationship that follows.

        Generally speaking, moving beyond the infatuation stage is a good thing.   Infatuation tends to cloud people’s judgment.   It allows them to overlook flaws in their partner that they really should pay attention to.

        Flaws like extreme insecurity.   Like blaming your partner for your own problems.   Like your expectation that he can read your mind.

        By the way … men don’t read minds.   (Neither do women.)   That’s why he lacks a general awareness of how you feel.


        If your partner was insecure, or if your partner blamed you for his own flaws, I would recommend that you dump him.   Since the situation is reversed, I would recommend that he dump you.

  4. 4

    This is an especially relevant topic for me because I am not as thin as I should be. The thought of taking photos of myself, let alone posting them on a dating site is absolutely frightening.

  5. 5
    Gabri'el Alexander

    Evan I’m so glad you’re finally speaking openly about weight and dating. In both “finding the one online” and “Why he dissapeared” you never talked about how to handle arkward situations. Women unlike men when they are a little over weight know how to post dating photos from the right angle, so when you meet in person there is always the surprise. They are usually sweet, smart, and funny but I’m just not physically attracted to their bodies… no matter how cute they’re face is… Which of coarse makes me feel so horrible and shallow, but isn’t faking it worse?

  6. 6
    Gabri'el Alexander

    -Sorry for the double post Evan, darm cellphones-I once dated a girl just like the one you spoke of and we broke up for the same reasons…The exact same reasons, it was horribly and stressful. It’s even worse when you are in shape and she or he isn’t, the insecurity levels are off the charts and you can’t say anything or like the article says you are accused of being shallow and not accepting her for the way she is… So you lose either way…  
    You can slowly silently lose attraction to her as you watch her get bigger or you can say something and be told you are shallow and only about looks because you can’t love her and her body like in some holleywood movie
    Evan is there anyway

  7. 7

    I am a 32 year old woman who has lost over 80 pounds since May of 2012. I’ve definitely seen positive changes within myself as a result of my continued weight loss. I’d have to say though, so far it has not been the path to true love that I thought it would be. I thought that all I would need to do to find love is lose a lot of weight, put up a great online profile and, presto! I’d find true love in no time. Well, I’ve been at this for a year and while I’ve met some good guys and had fun, I’m no closer to finding love than I was this time last year. I thought (mistakenly) that once I lost weight  I’d be swarmed with date offers and men would be practically begging to meet such a great, good-looking woman like me. Not so, it seems. I do get dates, but far less than what I’d prefer. I know the men are out there because I put up a fake profile with a really hot woman’s photo. I used the same body type description, same essay, same everything. She got over 200 replies in just 24 hours. I got just shy of that in six WEEKS. It seems that even at 80 pounds lighter, I’m still not good enough. I could waste away to 110 pounds and I probably would still not get the amount of men this chick got contacting her. I guess I thought it would be easy once I lost a lot of weight. I was just kidding myself.

    1. 7.1

      Without details it’s hard to say whether or not you’re kidding yourself.
      If you were 250 lb and lost 80 lb, you’re still 170 lb–still overweight by most standards (unless you’re an Amazon).   And just losing 80 lb doesn’t make you instantly attractive, even if you were only 200 lb to begin with–a person’s attractiveness isn’t only in their weight.
      And if you got 200 replies in six weeks you’re still ahead of most men. :-p

      1. 7.1.1

        Wow, Joe.   Please offer something positive or nicely constructive. I like honesty but geez, I felt a bit of a bee sting on that one 🙁

      2. 7.1.2

        women’s weighs is very different than men’s 170 can look quite slim. I am a woman who lost 40lbs 5 years ago and have kept it off. I tell no man that I used to weigh more. I also workout (like real working out, weight-training/pilates/high intensity cardio). At 165lbs I am a size 6. Now I know that’s not model thing but most people wouldn’t say a size 6 is really overweight. Remember we have extra fat storages like breasts. At any rate, I can be a size 6, have a waist that is 11 inches smaller than my bust but I still feel like the fat girl in my mind.
        I get decent attention from men but I still hesitate when a man says he is looking for thin or physically fit.

      3. 7.1.3

        Actually, Joe, 17o lbs. isn’t all that heavy.   At 5’6″, I’m certainly not “an Amazon” by any stretch of the imagination.    At 180 lbs, I’m a trim size 8, fit and athletic, not even slightly “overweight” by any means.  

        Men have incredibly warped, screwed-up ideas about what women “should” weigh.   Truth be told, that number on the scale doesn’t count for much.   You’d probably look at me and judge me as “petite, with a cute, firm body” — although, by your estimation, 18olb is “overweight by most standards.”

        Really, scale numbers mean very little. Body composition and muscle mass mean much, much more.   If she lost that weight with a program of good exercise and strength training, I’m willing to bet that she’s quite a slim and toned woman, just like I am.

        1. Locutus

          I’m sorry Emily, but 180 pounds at 5 foot 6 is NOT petite or slim.   If you are an athlete then you must have a LOT of muscle mass on you to be that weight at that height.   For me and most men that would be way too muscular.   But, regardless how in the world can you call yourself petite??   It is not a warped idea it is reality!!!!   Please.   You could ask all of my male friends AND female friends- they would both agree!   There is no way you are ‘fit’ at 180 pounds and 5 foot 6 unless you have the body of a female bodybuilder.
          I’m ok with thicker women, but please don’t say you are petite.   Even petite women would probably laugh at your claim!!! LOL

        2. Frimmel

          185lbs is the max weight in the women’s middleweight MMA class. It is one of the heaviest classes. This is the middleweight male MMA champ at 6’2″ and 186lbs:
          This is Matt Hughes welterweight MMA champ at 5’9″ and 170lbs:
          So I’m going to have to join Locutus and doubt that you’re “petite with a cute firm body.” Doesn’t petite top out at about 5’2″?

        3. Julia

          Frimmel seems to have such little understanding of women’s bodies that he posts photos of men’s bodies as a response. Men don’t have the same fat deposits on their bodies as women do, they will almost always weigh less when compared to a woman of the same size. I carry about 15lbs in my breasts for example, how many men can say that?

        4. Locutus

          Julia said “I carry about 15lbs in my breasts for example”
          God Bless you Julia!!! 🙂   I actually don’t like petite women.   

        5. Emily

          Well, then, Locutus, I guess I must have a lot of muscle mass. Because believe it or not, 5’6″ and 180 lbs is slim and trim enough to fit into size 6 jeans with room to spare.    And, in fact I am an athlete – many women are. Am I “overly muscled?” No, I don’t think so – all of my muscle development happened through years of competitive gymnastics, which tends to go hand-in-hand with years of flexibility training, which is why my muscles look “slim and toned” rather than “muscled and bulky.”    It’s a mistake to imagine that you are able to tell what my body looks like based on numbers.   It’s naive and foolish to put so much stock in numbers when they rarely tell the whole tale.   Nope, I’m definitely am not a bodybuilder, and I don’t have a single bit of “bulk” on me.   But, I’m certainly very “toned” and “fit.”  

          I call myself petite because that is, in fact, an accurate description of my physical appearance. And it proves how foolish you are to put such faith in scale numbers when attempting to judge a woman’s size and appearance.   “How in the world can I say it?” I can say it, because it is actually true.   

          I think it’s a bit arrogant that you’re trying to tell me that I’m “delusional” about my physical appearance based on numbers – when you, in fact, have no idea what I look like. I, on the other hand, am very well-acquainted with my physical appearance. Your incredulity stems from your blind faith in numbers.   As I said earlier, scale numbers rarely tell an accuratte story, and it’s very possible for women who are slim and toned to be “overweight.”   Like I said, try not to be so gullible and so blindly-believing in scale numbers. They simply don’t mean as much as you think they do.   

          Star Trek: The Next Generation is an excellent show and “Best of Both Worlds” was my favorite episode ever. Should’ve been a feature film!

        6. Emily

          Yeah, Frimmel, I’m gonna have to say that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Again, your incredulity that a 180-lb woman could be “slender” stems from the fact that you put too much blind faith in numbers.

          Anyway, here’s what a 5’6″ 182-lb woman actually does look like:

          So, that’s what professional female bodybuilders look like, you say?  

        7. Evan Marc Katz

          I’m 5’9″ 1/2, 180lbs – and I’m not slender. For what it’s worth.

        8. Locutus

          Most of female friends would crack up laughing at your claim to be petite.   Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the word petite.   What are your measurements- waist, bust, hips, etc.???   I’ve worked out all of my life and have always been around people who have too- both male and female.   I think I have more of an idea about fitness than you do, trust me.   I’m not putting down your body type and I’m not saying I find it unattractive, I’m just saying in no way is your body type petite!!!   It cracks me up to even hear this non-sense talk.   Even if it were 180 pounds of bodybuilder muscle mass, it still wouldn’t be a petite body type- you would be labeled athletic and muscular.   If you say that you don’t have a lot of muscle bulk, then I’m sorry there is a good deal of fat somewhere, unless you are weighing yourself with lead in your pockets!!!

        9. Locutus

          I just saw your posted picture.   I can’t see your whole body since it is a side pose.   From what I can see, you do have a lot of muscle mass on you- it doesn’t have to be bulky, muscle simply weighs more than fat.   Still, you don’t look anywhere close to 182 pounds in that picture.   Please post a recent picture at 182 pounds- a front shot standing up.   Lastly, even looking at that picture you posted, in no way would I call you petite.   Petite girls have a small framed body, small bone structure, and are typically on the shorter side.   

        10. Joe

          According to Wikipedia (so it should prolly be taken with a grain of salt): Gabby Reece is 6’3″ and 170 lb; Lindsey Vonn is 5’10” and 160 lb; Brandi Chastain is 5’7″ and 130 lb;  Nastia Liukin is 5’3″ and 115 lb.   Athletic women, no?   Liukin is probably the only one you might be able to call petite.

        11. Karmic Equation

          Emily, I’m totally with you on the BMI and scale thing. If men knew what I weighed, they’d avoid me like the plague, based on my height and lbs.
          FWIW, “petite” usually connotes short in combination with slender. I believe the “average” height of a woman is 5’4″ so at 5’6″ you exceed the height criteria for petite. And from my side, I’m 5′ and wear size 8, so even though I’m short, I can’t be considered petite due to the size 8. I believe I would qualify once I get to size 6. My goal by the summer 🙂

        12. Locutus

          Just to add to what you said about being petite: Yes, I agree that it is about height and weight, i.e. being on the shorter side and being slender.   However, I think it is also relevant to the bone structure – such as having a small frame and small bones.   Petite girls have thinner wrists and ankles and narrow shoulders and such.   A short girl who has big bones and broad shoulders I would NOT consider petite.   This ‘petite’ bone structure is genetic, of course, and can not be changed!  

      4. 7.1.4

        Additionally, BMI is meaningless.   Look into how and why BMI charts were developed — it’s basically a mathematical hack designed to make large-scale recommendations for huge populations of people.   On a case-by-case basis, those BMI numbers don’t mean very much.

        It’s   just so naive to buy into the idea that a woman is “overweight” just because the BMI chart says she should be.

        Need proof that what I’m saying is really true?   Check out the “Illustrated BMI Project” on Flick here –      Pictures of real-life women prove that BMI charts are bunch of nonsense.

      5. 7.1.5

        Okay, well, if you’re going to make me prove myself, my Match name is fit_fun1981. Go see for yourself if I’m unattractive. Oh, but I guess I should probably tell you that I’ve actually lost about 15 more pounds since those photos were taken. And while I got around 200 replies, most of them were crap, like “Hey cutie”, “Hey sexy”, “Man, you’re so gorgeous!”. I’ve learned since then that quality matters way more than quantity. Guys, if you copy and paste the same generic message or just send stupid stuff like that, why would a woman want to contact you? And if you do send good, personalized messages and you’re still not getting good results, maybe it’s time to look in the mirror.

    2. 7.2

      You know, I really feel for you. I disagree with Joe. Don’t ever think you are kidding yourself about   your new amazing fit self And don’t think of yourself in terms of pounds.   That is a tremendous accomplishment and even though I personally don’t know you, I’m so proud of you! I also lost a considerable amount of weight (more about sizes and less pounds). However, people noticed the confidence more than the weight. Buy some affordable clothes (or a few pieces like great fitting jeans) and undies that are more like the new you so you can part with the old you and can be confident And sexy!!! It does take time to part from your former appearance which many times is a mind set (I was trapped in the old me mindset for a a while). And feeling like you still look like the old you even if you don’t is common with substantial weight Loss. Work on feeling fabulous in your new fabulous body for the sake of feeling fabulous and fun. The men will come 🙂  

    3. 7.3

      “She got over 200 replies in just 24 hours. I got just shy of that in six WEEKS. It seems that even at 80 pounds lighter, I’m still not good enough”
      That works out to almost 5 emails a day. While not as good as your fake picture hottie, its still a decent amount.

      1. 7.3.1

        Yeah, but unfortunately the emails themselves were  not decent. Or the men were completely not my type. It just wasn’t as good an experience as I initially expected it to be, but I have largely come to terms with it. It is what it is.

    4. 7.4

      The reasons for gaining weight are manifold, but if you lose the weight and don’t deal with the issues that caused you to gain in the first place, it can create the situation you are describing. For example, a lot of people gain weight as a mental protection. They eat to avoid handling their problems, because of low self esteem, avoidance of anger, general unhappiness with life. Even if you lost 80lbs but still had those things going on, potential partners see it and make it a consideration. I can say that because I have experienced the change in how men see me (having lost weight) but when I took stock, my wardrobe had not changed, how much effort I took in the morning had not changed, my level of effort in meeting new people had not changed. The next step after losing weight was to deal with the flaws that made me less likeable, which  required outside help (because most of us are not objective about ourselves).  Until I did that  not have the level of success I expected just from the weight loss.
      On a positive note, I found an article that describes all the easy changes a woman can do to significantly affect her level of attractiveness, I f0und these  suggestions both easy, practical and effective, with  genuine intention of making  this extremely basic for those who are perhaps  not  highly skilled in cosmetology.   I noticed a few of these suggestions made enough difference in my appearance that many of my coworkers commented on my improved appearance.

      1. 7.4.1

        Thank you, Nissa. I have actually been taking steps to deal with my compulsive eating. I have gone from a size 18-20 to a size 10 in the last year and a half. I’ve gotten veneers, and  I’m planning to get my skin resurfaced to get rid of old acne scars. I dress much better (because of course, I want  to be noticed), I wear makeup a lot more often and I’m taking steps to get out and meet people. I started to do all these things, especially the weight loss, because I knew I would never get the kind of men I liked to be interested in dating me. Heck, I couldn’t have gotten any man interested at my former size, much less one I liked. Even guys who are fat themselves wouldn’t have wanted me, if the amount of overweight men who’ve contacted me is any indication. I knew that in order to get the kind of men I liked, I would have to make a lot of changes. Since I myself am not attracted to overweight, I can hardly blame men for not liking the same thing in me. I’m not saying I want an Adonis, but at least a guy who takes care of himself. I want to be that woman for him, too.

  8. 8
    Girl in the Midwest

    Yep, I think if one partner became a lot more attractive to the opposite sex than the other partner is to the opposite sex then there could be problems.   The more attractive partner would have more options (maybe even “better” options based on their value system), and it wouldn’t take him or her long to realize that.   It’s kind of an ugly side of humans, I guess.

  9. 9

    ”(because how could I be attracted to my girlfriend if I also found models appealing?)” Oh Evan, Evan…
    I don’t expect people, especially men, to get it. But whether  you like or not, women DON’T like when you look at other women, even those who pretend to be the ”cool girlfriend” and tell you, themselves, about the hot girl passing by. And that’s why these results, to me, aren’t surprising, confusing or painful. Instead, what confuses me is the people who act surprised when they do things like having a girlfriend who’s already beautiful but not giving her attention in  favour  of drooling over some random chick and then suffer the consequences, such as the girlfriend being mad. Because yeah, it’s so easy to just blame women and call that ”being insecure” when in fact it’s actually called ”men being  disrespectful”. It hurts… Men are not going to change, but neither are women, and they don’t have too. We’re not suppose to accept that treatment from men, like we’re just meat and feelings don’t matter.
    Because, at the end of the day, if most women didn’t feel like I do and they were actually that confident and not insecure, why does this study show that something as small and  frivolous  as a number on a scale can ruin an entire relationship and ALL the work behind it? Why does it show that men looking at models affects us and that we’re not that above this whole issue, instead  our relationships suffer from it? That we almost throw away all the work we head to go through to trust someone and making someone trust us because of how ”hot” or ”attractive” we are or become, according to society’s standards?  
    Men threat ”hot” women and the rest differently, and that isn’t even up for discussion. But that being the case, they shouldn’t ask us to be confident when they give us reasons to be self-conscious; they should be surprised by women acting either differently because they lost weight OR acting insecure, hurt and like we heave tremendous emotional baggage because, as much as it becomes a personal issue for women to fix, it’s caused by men, as it is a response to how they treat us.  

    1. 9.1

      People are responsible for their own insecurities, sorry.   I mean, do you feel that you are responsible for the men that are insecure about their attractiveness to women?
      Didn’t think so.

    2. 9.2

      You sound as if you have had some terrible relationships.   I’m sorry.   It isn’t black and white.   I wholeheartedly agree that having your man ogle another woman in a boorish manner can be extremely hurtful but then that is probably not the man you should be with.   On the other hand, it is very possible for a man to love you and desire you while finding other women attractive.   I don’t pretend to be the cool wife…I actually am.   We can agree on women (and men) who are truly beautiful (good features, great bodies).   It doesn’t mean he loves me any less.   It doesn’t mean I don’t have insecurities about my appearance but they have nothing to do with him or with the many beautiful women out there.   I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t expect a man to be blind to beauty.   You don’t have to be either.   There is a difference between boorish ogling and acknowledgement of hotness.   I hope you find a man who knows this difference.

      1. 9.2.1

        Skaramouche- you put the point I was about to make amazingly well thanks!
        To add to your point, Anna it sounds like your having a good old fashioned rant. Perhaps a pushing bag is in order? because you sound pent up with frustration. Good for you for getting it out to some degree, although I suspect this rant online won’t be enough.  
        My two cents are this – I also love ogling at other women with my man there and not there. I am possibly a 7.5 on the out of ten hotness meter, 5’9 size 12, E cup breasts , small but nicely formed ass, long lean legs, POT belly stomach and ok ish skin. I know where I am on the food chain. I also know what I want to improve (my pot belly! it is currently 38 inches and it should be less than 35 to be healthy). I am relatively self aware of my appeal. At some point you need to stop listening to the   reports about ‘societies standards’ and the ‘beauty on the inside’ media because we are subconsciously comparing ourselves to others ALL THE TIME.   We may not like to admit it, but its the truth. We all have pros and cons, brilliant personalities, skills etc… but the first impression is the symmetry of the FACE, body shape, health and weight. Honestly people find lots of variances and different people like different things – but we all like healthy happy people. And those people exercise and eat healthy. When someone is also universally attractive AND healthy they are top of the food chain. THIS IS HOW IT IS. Accept your lot, be healthy, be interesting and accept that your man will look at those attractive and healthy women because, well they are suppose to. Just like when I say ‘phwooooar’ when a healthy, happy, attractive man passes me by. That doesn’t mean I’m about to jump ship to him though. I trust means I recognise that he is doing pretty well outwardly. Inwardly, well I wouldn’t know that until I get to know him. We all get certain cards dealt at birth and its up to us to accept what we have and make the best, because there are pros and cons for every card…..xxxx

    3. 9.3
      Lexi Lou


  10. 10
    Amy dk

    Do any men like overweight women? Do all men want to days thin women? Are women fooling themselves to say it’s confidence that matters?   I am curious. My husband says all men prefer thin women.  

    1. 10.1

      Men may prefer to  look at thin women, but many men would prefer to be with a woman who possesses traits that are more important for long-term compatibility.

    2. 10.2

      Most men prefer “not fat” women. Most men want neither Calista Flockhart nor Melissa McCarthy but would usually choose slender or thin. Pretty much this:
      Especially number 4. So. So. So. Number 4. Most men have a sliding scale about appearance/weight something like this: not interested–I’m drunk and desperate and no one will know– attracted — would do irrational/stupid things.
      If you give 50 guys a list of 10 famous women of varying shapes and ages to rank from one to ten you’ll get back 50 different lists. A few will always be near the top and a few will always be near the bottom but it is likely each woman will make the top of at least one guy’s list.

  11. 11

    I believe that many couples get used to certain dynamics between them and it can be uncomfortable when that dynamic shifts, even if it’s in a good direction.   For example, when one partner suddenly gets a big promotion and earning a lot more money, the other person can feel “left behind” or like he/she has become some kind of “dead weight” who might be dumped for a more successful mate.  
    I think that when a big change happens for one person in a couple, it helps if BOTH can remember to put a bit of extra care into the relationship.   The person who has had the big success (whether it’s weight loss, big promotion, raise, whatever) can be sensitive to the fact that the other might be feeling a bit insecure or loser-ish and do some gentle reassuring.   And the person who hasn’t had the big success can try to acknowledge their fears while still expressing pride and encouragement in the partner’s accomplishments.  

    1. 11.1
      fitlifeadventure (Amanda)

      thank you for posting this. Exactly what I needed

  12. 12

    @ami dk
    My husband says the same thing.   

  13. 13

    I would have to say 30lbs, depending on your starting weight, can have a huge impact on a relationship.   I try to stay healthy and fit and I fluctuate +/- 5lbs and I notice a huge difference.
    The issue probably comes from the benefits of losing that weight.   The confidence, energy, looking better etc.   Once you start experiencing that and it becomes a priority… well I can see if your partner doesn’t share that things might become complicated.   The one losing the weight will want the other to join in the new life style.   The other person can join on try to get the other person back to how they were.   Either way someones going to change.

    1. 13.1

      I think misery loves company too. If your partner no longer wants to eat a 2000 calorie meal with you every friday, you are probably going to start to get upset at them.

  14. 14

    I sort of said it above but I want to go into more detail. I lost 40lbs 5 years ago and have kept it off. I spent much of my twenties a size 14, now I am a size 6. A true hour glass figure, I have measurements of 34DDD-31-42, that’s an 11 inch waist-hip/bust ratio. I work out 5 times a week. I have strong thighs and defined arms. In my mind, I am still a fat girl. Sure, it helps to have that mindset. I still love delicious food and drink and I partake in it but fat girl mind takes over and tells me when to stop or when I need to replace meals with green smoothies.
    When it doesn’t help is when I compare myself to other women or think that my body is not ideal for men to be attracted to, despite the contrary. Sure I’m not for everyone but I do well. I still hesitate when I look at a man’s profile and it says he’s interested in thin or fit women, I am not a size 0 but I am certainly fit and thinner than most women (let’s be honest here) When I am naked I still wonder if a man is going to be grossed out (though they usually seem pretty preoccupied with my bosom/derriere. I will never tell a man I lost significant weight under any circumstances. That’s my secret, I am positive that men will immediately assume I will gain the weight back despite my 5 year long weight stability.
    Luckily, I am not a jealous person by nature so I never get mad at men for finding other women attractive, I just fear that they won’t find me attractive.

    1. 14.1

      I am not a relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination but are you saying a man will not find your “toned” physique attractive because you were heavier five years ago? Not to sound silly but when in perspective, Twitter didn’t exist five years ago. No one even knew what Instagram was/is. That is how long ago five years has been! It was lightyears ago. No one cares. You work out five times a week and are worried that a man will not find your in shape enough? Please make sure that the standards you have for yourself are realistic.   Woman to woman, please find some peace in your soul and look inside for what makes your great. Stop worrying about the outside and if it doesn’t help, please seek professional guidance, or counseling. And I mean this with a sincere heart. Love yourself!!! Why not try some dating coaching from Evan if your issue is dating related? He will clear that up straight away!

      1. 14.1.1

        I have gone to counseling, working out 5 days a week was one of the things that help me fight depression. Endorphins plus 5 hours a week to just focus on how my body feels is important to clear my mind. Most people who go through significant weight loss will experience depression and have a hard time accepting their new body. I tell myself every day that I am beautiful but the old me pops up from time to time. Its hard to empathize if you haven’t been through it.

    2. 14.2

      I think that, logically, you have a good understanding of what is important when it comes to looks, but those insecurities can pop up from time-to-time.   Don’t worry, it happens to all of us.   Even the most confident people.   You’re spot on that weight doesn’t mean anything.   If you’re looking good, you’re looking good – it doesn’t matter if you weigh 95lbs or 250lbs.   If it makes you feel any better, I’m a total lard ass if we’re gonna go by weight hehe.   I weigh about two bills at 5’10”, but I have a 32″ waist.   Well, I’ve probably added a couple of inches over the holidays – at 31, I can’t get away with what I used to.
      As I’m sure the logical part of you knows, what’s presented as an attractive woman by the media isn’t always closely aligned with what the general public finds attractive.   Most importantly, pretty much no one is for everyone.   Most female models are 6″ and razor thin.   A lot of men don’t like really tall women, and a lot do.   A lot of men don’t like razor thin women, and some do.   There’s a niche for a lot of different looks and body types, and almost no one has a universal look.   My look certainly isn’t universal – I’m the type of guy that would make one ugly woman.   For the women that like Brad Pitt (particularly when he was young) or Tom Cruise, yeah, I’m probably not going to do to well with them.   For the women that like Vin Diesel or Jason Statham, I seem to have a lot of success with them (not saying I’m as good looking as them or anything!).   Point is that you can’t let what you see in a magazine and what some guys find attractive (that don’t fit your mold) grab ahold of those insecurities.  
      Of course, to state the obvious:   the most important things are a woman’s character and how she treats her partner.   That buys you a lot of flexibility on your physical appearance… more than most guys admit.   Not sure why, perhaps they think it will make them look weak or something.   My girlfriend has gained weight over the past year, and I don’t really care because of who she is, and if she told me the lost 100lbs before she met me, it wouldn’t bother me in the least.  

      1. 14.2.1

        Pretty much agree on all points.

  15. 15

    I like the sound of your body type!!!!   Nothing wrong with curvy or a bit thick- it’s all about the shape not necessarily the size.   Plus you say you keep somewhat toned.   Many guys like different things, but most guys do not like obese girls or significantly overweight.   I like curvy women and do not like the thin runner body type at all.   Your hourglass description and measurements sound arousing to me! LOL!!   I am Italian, so I do like a thick ‘derriere’ as you like to call it.   The key is to pretend you are just as attractive as any other woman out there and be yourself.   BTW, I wish you could post a photo!! 😉   I would define myself as muscular and strong- not thin, but not fat.   I have worked out with weights for the least 13 years or so.   So, this opinion is not coming from a fat lazy guy!! LOL.

  16. 16

    @Julia 15
    Congratulations for your success with weight management and discipline.
    In my opinion looks are 90 per cent of a woman’s success with men. It is not fair but it is a fact.   Any woman who disregards that disregards reality.  

    1. 16.1

      Your appearance is 90% of what gets a man’s attention. It depends 90% on you how much it is responsible for keeping it. See Chance in 16.1. I’ve known many unarguably beautiful women who were not at all attractive. While one of sexiest women I’ve known was also one of the least objectively attractive.

    2. 16.2

      Looks get you in the door. Looks get me 5-10 messages a day online. But you’re right, its not what keeps men. I am working on vulnerability now. I am feminine and kind but its hard for me to be vulnerable. I just wish someone could tell me how!

      1. 16.2.1

        When you say you’re working on how to be vulnerable, are you referring to a fear of being hurt?   If so, I can share with you what helped me lose that fear when I was very young.   It came with understanding, and then accepting, the reality that other people will always have the power to do things that could hurt or disappoint you.   Nothing can change that, but that’s okay.   Everyone is exposed to that, and one has to understand that it has nothing to do with him/herself.   With this understanding, it will help you brush off things that normally could hurt most people.   I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s something that will come with time if you teach yourself.   What’s that saying… 10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you react to what happens to you.
        The best thing about losing the fear of being hurt/disappointed is you become less guarded, which invariably makes you come off as being a warmer person, which in turn minimizes the likelihood that someone will walk away from you!   Hope that helps.

        1. Julia

          I think letting men into the more private me. I work with the default belief that men will disappear, therefor what’s the point of putting too much out there. I’m not sure if its a self-fulfilling prophecy which is why I know I need to work on it. That being said, my former weight can remain a secret. I know lots of men are always afraid of women gaining weight once in a relationship so why give them more fuel for the fire.

      2. 16.2.2

        Julia could how you feel about the weight and online dating thing be because even though you get about 5 e-mails a day they are mostly from guys that you don’t really see as being on your level or higher either career wise or physically?
        Just the other day I was complaining to a female friend how much online dating sucks (yes Evan I know what you are going to say I read both WHD and FTOOL and I know what you tell us about   that negative mindset), my friend listened then pointed out that I get more girls writing me than she or any of her female friends get written to online, but I was just complaining because none of the girls who where contacting me and writing me back, were women that I was really interested in physically or because of what they were doing and planning on doing with their lives.
        Anyway, perhaps you only feel this way about your weight because they men who you desire aren’t giving you attention and when you see them in the real world they are with skinny women and instead of you assuming that it’s because of they way these women make these guys feel about themselves, you think it’s because of her body.

        1. Julia

          Majority of men I am not interested in. I still got enough men in my range to set up dates pretty regularly. It has nothing to do with the men currently interested, it has everything to do with how I viewed myself for years. Its hard to shake.

      3. 16.2.3
        Karmic Equation

        Vulnerability isn’t about telling a guy your deep dark secrets. At least not in my book.Vulnerability is about trusting the other person enough that you give them the power to hurt you.Example: I’m dating my personal trainer. We started dating first, and after several dates, he convinced me to try personal training. While I can’t say I like it, it has been effective in transforming me and I’m already getting noticeable results after 8 weeks.For his program I had to get BMI measurements. Imagine letting a guy you’re sleeping with measure exactly how unfit you are. I was mortified, but it was done. He didn’t disappear. He wasn’t disgusted by my 30% BMI. He tells me he misses me even though we see each other every other day, for training. We date maybe once or twice a week.I gave him the power to hurt me with rejection. And he didn’t. Once he signed me up to a contract for the fitness training, he could have simply changed our relationship to business-only, he didn’t. I was vulnerable and he could have hurt me. But he didn’t.
        Waitresses flirt with him; he flirted with them while we were having breakfast. They were funny. I giggled the entire time and was part of the experience instead of giving him killing glares. He was in line at a department store to buy a jacket. The woman behind him starts flirting with him. I wasn’t in line with him so the woman thought he was alone. They had a smiley-flirty conversation. When we were in his car driving to the store he was mentioning how difficult it was for him to meet chicks at bars (men open up to me like that, and I don’t get mad, and we’re only casually dating so this is ok convo) — so when we were leaving the store I teased him and said “Hmmm… You don’t need to go to bars to pick up chicks, they try to pick you up at Macy’s! What are you complaining about?” Then he clued me in to their conversation. Not exactly vulnerable per se, but I acknowledged something that would have made other chicks angry and complimented him in the process. It was all truth. The experience became positive for us both because I was accepting that this would happen. He’s attractive. If I don’t want waitresses or women-in-line flirting with the guy I’m dating, I need to date ugly men. That is the trade off.
        This acceptance of him and trusting him not to hurt me builds a connection. So being vulnerable, to me, is not necessary WHAT you talk about (e.g., not deep dark secrets) but how you talk and behave when things get a little odd(? for lack of better term). Men are really good at sensing that you trust that he’s a good guy not out to hurt you. They all want to be trusted like that. And when you trust him like that they often go out of their way to prove to you they deserve that trust. They don’t always succeed. But I give brownie points for trying 🙂
        These are little things. We’re at the beginning of what could be a relationship or what could just devolve into a friendship.   I’m going to trust that whichever way he decides he wants to take this, he’ll handle it well and not hurting me (too much) will be at the top of his list if he decides he doesn’t want to escalate. That trust is what will bond him to me. My trust in him is what makes me vulnerable. If our relationship does escalate, that foundation of trust built of little things will help us get through the big things.
        So vulnerability isn’t about being vulnerable. It’s giving him your trust that makes you vulnerable.  You see what I mean?


        1. Gabri'el

          Karmic how does a guy know if his girl is really okay with his honesty or if she is just outwardly smiling and nodding and inwardly feeling hurt and angry? You are a real life “cool and confident girlfriend” most women I’ve dated will later on let me know my comment hurt them weeks or months later once the relationship is exclusive instead of telling me the moment   it happened.
          After this happens once of twice, I just start clamming up and walking on egg shells, because how can I be honest with someone who isn’t honest with me about how they feel until weeks after the conversation, by then I don’t even remember fully what I said or the context in which I said it

        2. Karmic Equation

          Thanks for the compliment 🙂
          I think the solution to your problem is pretty simple:
          When your gf tells you something you said 3 months ago hurt her, take it at face value and not personally and say with sincerity, “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Next time, tell me when it happens so that we can address is right away instead of it eating at you like this, okay?” Then give her a big hug and a kiss.
          Then the ball’s in her court the next time. She may or may not continue doing this again (telling you months after the fact) — If she does and you’re walking on eggshells, tell her that. “When you tell me months after the fact that something I said bothered you, I don’t know what to do. What is it that you want me to do with this information months after the fact?” And then see what she says. And try to arrive at a compromise from there that works for both of you.

        3. Karmic Equation

          Thank you, Evan. (I accidentally thanked you in the wrong post!)

        4. Julia

          I trust men, least jealous person on earth. That doesn’t feel like vulnerability to me.

        5. Chance

          It’s a matter of confidence.   I think someone can be a generally trusting person and still not be vulnerable if   that person doesn’t have the inner confidence to allow themselves to be vulnerable.   These people remain guarded and they don’t allow others to be in a position to hurt them because it could strike at their core insecurities.   It’s a pretty common defense mechanism, actually.   I know it’s easier said than done, but one has to learn to be comfortable enough with his/herself to open up and allow others to be in a position where they could potentially hurt them.   
          I know it sounds odd, but the most confident people are the best at allowing themselves to be vulnerable.   This is because they know that, while others can do things that will hurt them, it has no impact on their sense of self-worth.   I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this might be what Karmic Equation was getting at.

        6. Karmic Equation

          I love it when you clarify my statements and say them so much better than I can say them myself.
          “This is because they know that, while others can do things that will hurt them, it has no impact on their sense of self-worth. ”
          Yes. That is it exactly. I’m authentic with men. In a relationship, I can be a blondie (sorry blonde ladies, please don’t be offended) — I’ve done and said really silly things. My ex-hubby used to call me blondie occassionally. I’m Asian. That’s why it’s funny. I can be bossy. And as you all know, I’m very direct. I can’t change any of that and I don’t try. I’ll play in a pool tournament where I’m the absolute worst player, and trust that men will be supportive instead of dismissive. It helps that I dress to distract to help them get with the program. lol — In all instances, I trust men to be nice and kind to me and they are. There was even one guy who was a bit of a jerk the first time I met him and the second time he went out of his way to give me pointers. Because I didn’t react to his jerkiness.
          Ladies, most men are good people. Even the players (a la Tom10). As long as you see men as people first and not as M-E-N that frustrating human species, relationships with them, from friends to FWBs to committed LTRs, are easy. As long as you keep your expectations aligned with reality.

  17. 17

    Sorry, Evan.   Still trying to learn how the spacing works.   If you wouldn’t mind posting this one instead of the one before, I would appreciate it.   Thanks.
    Swing and a miss,  Kiki.   What you are saying simply isn’t true.   There are many women in the world who aren’t considered conventionally attractive that have quality partners, and there are attractive women that have trouble finding a quality partner.   What you are saying implies that men are more shallow than they actually are, and therefore, conveniently places blame on men’s supposed superficiality for a woman who struggles to attract men.
    What you are trying to say amounts to the female equivalent of a man complaining that women don’t like nice guys.   
    It is also worth noting that many men aren’t very good at articulating what they find attractive in a woman.   If a woman has good character, positive personality traits, and  makes a man feel good around her, men tend to find her to be more physically attractive.   However, many men can’t really pinpoint these characteristics as what is driving the attraction.   Rather, they merely see her as being hotter.   Conversely, I work with a woman who is very attractive from a purely physical standpoint, but she is a miserable person who isn’t very likable.   As such, my co-workers find her to be “ugly” and “disgusting”, which couldn’t be further from the truth if we are only talking about looks.

  18. 18

    this is one more topic where we do not agree.  
    I am lucky to be considered very attractive, and I also have education from a top school, and I have an interesting and high paying job.
    I am also married and have two beautiful kids.
    I have no complaints against men. The men in my life have been nice and chivalrous. So, I am telling you from my heart – looks are tremendously important for a woman to attract a man.   A girl who exercises 5 times a week is doing the BEST thing for her health and for success with men.   

    1. 18.1
      Karmic Equation

      Ahh Kiki. You and I agree on many things (I don’t think we’ve ever disagreed) — so this is going to be the first. Alas.
      The fact that you’re an attractive woman skews you to believe attractiveness is the major factor in attracting a man. Therefore, you’re going to hold onto that belief because if you let it go, where does that leave you? I don’t say this to be mean, but rather as a logical question. I imagine you’re the kind of attractive woman who was a cheerleader in her high school. Who could have been prom queen. Contrast that to me, always a little chunky in HS. Didn’t even get asked to either prom. Nay, I didn’t even have ONE date in HS, never mind a prom date.
      What this means is that male attention was yours from the beginning. It was your due as homage to your attractiveness. What that also means is that you didn’t have to develop your inner beauty or confidence. However, from your writings, it’s apparent that you HAVE developed that as well, but you don’t give that much value, because YOU value your attractiveness more than your inner beauty. And to some extent I suspect, your OUTWARD beauty is easier for you to upkeep than to continue to develop your inner beauty. And the truth is for a lot of men, as long as you’re not a bitch (and sometimes even when you are) as long as you’re beautiful little else matters.
      Now contrast that to always-been-a-little-chunky-never-had-a-date-in-high-school-me. I had to develop my inner beauty because I had no choice. To get any male attention I couldn’t be a bitch. I couldn’t be insecure. I couldn’t allow myself to be crazy, cuz I wasn’t hot enough to get away with any of that. But having developed that core of inner beauty – kindness, compassion, acceptance – and ruthlessly eradicating my insecurities, I became a confident woman. Whenever I wanted a good man for a relationship, there he was. More attractive than what my own looks warranted.  
      As I grew older I was more able to get my outward beauty to match my inward beauty. Understanding how to apply makeup, dressing to maximize my assets and minimizing my negatives (I have legs that rival Bettry Grable but I’m just a tad thick-waisted) — and now at age 46, I’ve attracted more attractive men — and good men btw, because I also developed a good picker — (8’s and 9’s) than I ever did when I was 26. Now that I’m working on my bikini bod, I’m confident that I’ll be able to attract those 10’s also. And because I have the inner beauty and confidence, I’m pretty sure I can keep them too, if they’re worth keeping.
      Once you pass a man’s minimum threshold of attractiveness (i.e., once they decide you’re attractive enough to sleep with) — what keeps them around is not that you’re attractive enough to sleep with. That only works for the short-term. In the long-term you have to be a good person to be around. They have to feel good when they’re around you (which you do Kiki, but I have to say, by the words you choose to express your relationship with your husband, it sounds as if you deify your husband, which I don’t feel is a good idea, but if it works for your and him, who am I tell you otherwise). And your inner beauty is what will bind him to you and blind him to some of your faults, visual or emotional. While outward beauty is bound to fade with age, inward beauty withstands the test of time. When I’m 60, Kiki, I’ll still feel confident that I can attract men. But will you, if you believe that beauty is the be-all and end-all of attractiveness?
      So I agree with Chance and Julia. Outward beauty gets you in the door. Outward beauty gets you what you want. But to KEEP what you want, outward beauty is not enough.  


      1. 18.1.1

        Karmic dear,
        at 60 I will be still married to the same deity (lol) and you will have a harem of 40 year old personal trainers 🙂

        1. Karmic Equation

          And what’s wrong with that? 😉
          A girl can hope, right? lmao

  19. 20

    No woman who is 5’6 is technically petite. I think that gallery proves just what has been said, that physical weight is no indicator of how a woman looks. I see lots of different bodies. Some look very average and more slender, some look overweight.

    1. 20.1

      I don’t think anyone was disputing that. I was more pointing out that 5’6″ and 180lbs is in no way petite. I was also trying to point out that many men are going to have some basis of comparison when they hear a given weight. Men who hit the gym or follow sports where weight is frequently given in particular. For the women in my link in number 19 10lbs either way isn’t much going to matter to the sorts of men who find those women attractive.
      But more related to the article if one of those women were to lose 30lbs or 40lbs that has the potential to create friction depending on the people involved.

      1. 20.1.1

        If the partner loses 30 to 40 lbs. This wasn’t gender exclusive. So if the husband loses weight there are the same feelings.

    2. 20.2

      Yes but with all this body talk we can’t forget facial appearance, just because a person is skinny or has a average body doesn’t make their face attractive, but most people who are kinda attractive just big, once they lose the weight, look even better and that is what causes the friction the article is talking about, you would feel insecure that your partner would leave you for someone better looking  

      1. 20.2.1
        Karmic Equation


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