How Do I Make My Boyfriend Want to Talk About Next Steps in Our Relationship?

How Do I Make My Boyfriend Want to Talk About Next Steps in Our Relationship

I am a 52-year-old twice-divorced woman who has been in a serious relationship with a great man for three years. He is kind, loyal, dedicated, hard-working, and treats me very well. We each have two teenage kids in high school and live in different school districts. Our divorces were tough on the kids and we have both done everything possible to keep them stable and happy. Neither one of us is willing to disrupt our kids and pull them out of their high schools and understand forcing for teenagers to live together under one roof would be a disaster. So for the past 3 years my boyfriend and I see each other every other weekend when our kids are with their other parent. We have created what I like to call a “weekend love bubble”. It’s just the two of us 2x a month and we get along wonderfully. No fighting or bickering because our time together is so special and limited. However, there’s also no talk of the future, marriage or anything past getting our kids through high school graduation. We talk on the phone every day to stay connected during our time apart; we spend holidays together with our families and occasionally get all the kids together for special events. Over Christmas vacation, we got to spend a glorious 5 uninterrupted days together in our love bubble and it was fabulous. I am deeply in love and understand our living situation cannot change for the next two years, but how do I break the cycle of this weekend love bubble and take this relationship to the next step? How do I get him to start talking about our future together with the unknown factor of four teenagers?

Sincerely,
Amy

Amy, this is a relationship of your own creation. It’s not something that happened to you against your will. It’s something you have chosen, again and again, for the past three years.

Now, to be fair, it sounds like he’s content with it. It sounds like you have been as well – otherwise, I’m presuming, you wouldn’t have accepted the notion of a 2X/month boyfriend for so long. But life is about tradeoffs and choices, my friend.

You and your boyfriend chose to keep separate lives, separate houses, separate school districts – all for the sake of your kids’ stability. I am not criticizing you; I am merely pointing out what you shared with me. Those were the terms of the deal.

You never “make” your boyfriend do anything. You ask him.

Now you want to change the terms of the deal. I’m with you. I don’t see a biweekly relationship as an ideal one, and I fully support you wanting to escalate things. However, you’re one of two people in the relationship, and your boyfriend has never made any noise about wanting to change. Which leads to the dreaded preamble, “How do I make my boyfriend…”

You never “make” your boyfriend do anything. You ask him.

“Sweetie, when the kids are out of the house, what would you like to see happen with us?”

See what he says.

If he says, “I like things exactly the way they are. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” you have some insight. If he says, “I’ve been hoping you’d say that. I want to sell my house and buy one in your town,” you have a different insight.

You created your “love bubble.” Only you can burst it.

The point is to not exert pressure on a given outcome, but merely to let him speak. Chances are, you will get neither answer. You will probably get “I haven’t really thought about it. Let’s cross that bridge in a few years when we both have empty nests.”

And you will have to learn to deal with being in a relationship that has little forward motion and no guarantees…because that is the relationship you agreed to three years ago.

You created your “love bubble.” Only you can burst it.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    KK

    I agree with your advice and I applaud Amy’s choices. I see so many divorced people jumping into relationships with little concern to how it will affect their children and the poor kids just have to go along for the ride, no matter how miserable it might be. She only has two more years to go until she can be a little more selfish. If I were her, I would have the conversation that you suggested and go from there. Even if he is not eventually wanting anything more serious, I think I would try to look at the relationship as something positive because it has served it’s purpose for her self imposed relationship restrictions and given her some happiness when otherwise she might have been completely alone.

  2. 2
    Mitch

    Now this is funny. I logged in precisely to ask you the same question. How to bring up “when do you see us getting married”! Ive been dating for 2 years, never married before. After reading your posting, one question still remains, even if she brings it up as you suggested it, would it make him feel the pressure!? I could easily ask my boyfriend ” hey, I know we always talk about marriage, but when do you see that happening”… but doesnt this question puts man on the spot and make them feel the pressure? Thats why we sometimes think that its easier to do something to trigger the conversation, in her words “to make them talk about it”.

    1. 2.1
      Karl R

      Mitch asked:

      “I could easily ask my boyfriend ‘hey, I know we always talk about marriage, but when do you see that happening’… but doesnt this question puts man on the spot and make them feel the pressure?”

      Yes.  In Amy’s case (or yours) initiating the conversation is likely to make the boyfriend feel some pressure.

      That’s the point.

       

      But Evan’s question is likely to cause less pressure than yours, because of the way it’s worded.

      And that also was the point.

  3. 3
    Ann

    Mitch are you a female?

    1. 3.1
      Mitchly

      yes 🙂

  4. 4
    Deb

    I am in almost competly the same boat as Amy. But I’m only 8 months in and the “love bubble” actually makes getting to know each other even slower. My BF does talk future but nit specifically about where we might live or anything like that. It’s a challenging situation.  And actually I agree w KK that it sounds like Amy is possible better off in this current arrangement than on her own. In my particular case a man with older kids would work better logistically but my BF is too good to walk away from at this point.   And I’ll wait longer and keep evaluating.

    Agree with Evan a talk would be in order especially if Amy wants/needs more clarification.

  5. 5
    JB

    Being I’m a man in my 50’s I’ll just say that it is very rare for men in our age group who’ve already gone through a divorce or two and most likely financial hardship because of them to have any desire to do it again. Especially of it involves selling a house and or houses to do it. This twice a month relationship is barely even a relationship. But sure, ask him and see what he says. Maybe after the kids get out of college in 6 yrs? A lot can happen in that time. I once had a 50 yr. old woman proclaim to me “I’m not going to be living with anyone unless I’m married”. To which I replied “people, especially men at our age don’t just sell a house to move in with someone”. Twenty somethings “move in” together not fifty somethings….lol.

  6. 6
    Kathy

    To JB,

    OH YES DO 50 yr olds move in together.  It happens all the time.  I personally know most couples do it that way now.  Half the time there is no house to sell if they are just renting.  And yes I personally know 3 people pre-retirement age that one of them sold the house to be with the other.  In fact 2 of those couple got married, and the other couple is getting married this summer.  In all cases, the kids were grown and gone.  And actually my ex an I moved in together too, we were in our  50’s, but unfortunately we split up after 8 years.  Did not sell any houses, turned his int a rental income property.  Again, our kids were grown and gone.

    Yep, it happens all the time.

    1. 6.1
      SMC

      I’m sure glad to hear it because my boyfriend and I are both in our 50’s and I hope that we will eventually share a home together.  I went the “not living with someone until I’m married” route and what a tremendous mistake that was.  I’m not even sure I WANT to actually get married again, but I still want the whole relationship enchilada (committed, secure, dedicated).  I’m fully self-sufficient, as is he, and I just want someone to share the rest of my life with on a daily basis and am hoping he does too.  This is the exact post I was hoping for and I’ll be very interested to read the responses.  My man and I talk about stuff we want to do in the future, places we want to visit, etc. but we don’t talk about future plans as in…well, yeah, living together.  At ALL.  I’m silent for now, but sooner or later, at least after a full year, maybe more, I will bring it up in Evan’s casual, non-threatening way, especially since I want to sell my house (next year) and downsize into a smaller, more efficient home and want to decide if I’ll do it in my current area or closer to where he lives, which is out in the country.  Great post, Evan, and very timely.  Excellent advice, too.  Thanks.

    2. 6.2
      Rebecca

      Well, I’m still three years short of 50, but I’m selling my house to move to my boyfriend’s city.  In response to a not-really-even-a-relationship of just seeing each other only weekends, and mostly every other weekend when he doesn’t have his kids.  And apparently it’s not weird to move in together at our age, because the overwhelming majority of my friends and his seem SHOCKED that I’m not planning to move into his home.  We’ll see how it plays out.

    3. 6.3
      JB

      Of course Kathy there are exceptions. It’s just not the norm. Just like when someone sleeps with someone on the first date and ends up getting married and living happily ever after. As Evan would say……..  It does happen on occasion but what are the odds?

      I’d love to know from you and anyone else on here. What percentage of men age 45 and up who’ve been divorced/widowed do you guys think want to get remarried or move in with someone? Especially their own age? Most aren’t smart strong successful men that are tall with soap opera star looks and six figure incomes I can assure you. More like bottom of the barrel with few options. That’s why many women end up like Laura in post #10 who’s man is “just fine with the way things are”.

      1. 6.3.1
        Kathy k

        TO JB’s question. I couldn’t give you a percentage per se, but it seems the empty-nesters and widowers do cohabitate or get married moreso.  I am 64 and met widowers.  They still believe in love and have not been rejected or betrayed since they lost their partners through death.  They are not as jaded as the divorces.

        I have been over 45 years old for many years now.  Met my ex when I was 49 and he was 40.  We took a few years to decide to live together. I really wanted marriage but he didn’t believe in it (my mistake?) I saw several other couples in their 50’s and 60’s getting married.  My sister has been remarried now for 3 years. She was 60 and he was 62.   I would say my ex and I had the biggest age difference of all the people I know.  Most couples were closer in age, some not that great looking, but some very good looking.    but happy and good life.   I hear my Ex ,now 55 is having a woman in her late 40’s move in. My widowed mom age 70 dated a 60 year old widower until he died.  He wanted to get married, she didn’t I think it was gonna affect her social security. They kept separate homes,.  They were deeply in love and shared a vacation home in winters.

        Daisy makes a good point, and I totally agree that meshing 2 lifestyles can be very difficult and sometimes it can’t be done without affecting so many other factors such as children, their routines, jobs, sick parents living with them, etc.  Life is complicated!  But not hopeless and people do what works.

        As for me,  I would love to fall in love again and yes I would get married even now.  Houses and money are all negotiable.

         

         

         

      2. 6.3.2
        Daisy

        From recent statistics, 4 in 10 people remarry.  Who knows who many in addition to that number live together but never remarry after divorce.  Who knows how many want to, but never find a suitable partner.  In my own anecdotal experience, many friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors…45 and up are remarried or living together.  In my dating experience, many clearly wanted to be remarried or living with someone eventually.  So, plenty.

        The lovely, handsome successful guy I am with wants  a partner in life.  We both just need some time due to family and professional issues and are enjoying things as they are.  My best friend, who is 51, has health issues and an 8 year old, just married a wonderful, professional man.

        JB, to each, his own.  Remarriage or living together may not be for you or your cohorts but many people do want it.  And the men and women who want it are not ‘the bottom of the barrel’ with few options.  Quite the contrary, in my experience.

         

  7. 7
    Joe

    Has the LW asked her BF what his plans/intentions are, or informed him what she would like them to be?  Maybe he hadn’t brought the future up because he’s afraid she doesn’t see him in it.

  8. 8
    Daisy

    I’ve had a similar question on my mind…I’ve been doing a modified version of this for 9 months.

    It is quite difficult in your 40s and 50s to find people with whom you have a lifestyle match and can date and then successfully blend lives.  I went out with around 100 men in the last 2 to 3 years…I am 50 and have two older kids (college and grad school, neither at home, except one in summer), and didn’t have much interest in dealing with that every other weekend kind of deal with someone.  But most men my age have younger kids than I do.  So, out of the hundred, I was looking at only a few who had similar available time as me, unless I aged up significantly.  Add in  whether you are mutually attracted, have similar values, similar health, have your act together, and the number of men who seemed appropriate was very few.   I opted for a somewhat similar relationship as the OP, with the best man I think I could ever meet,  who is also 50 and has kids the same ages as mine…both generally out of the house.  I am compromising on distance (he lives one hour away), and we have an every weekend, all weekend, bubble type of relationship.  Many long vacation weekends, and a few weeknights here and there.  He works long hours during the week, calls me daily, texts throughout the day and treats me incredibly well.  No other man I met can hold a candle to him, and I dated some good guys who didn’t fit logistically or had other issues.   We are very much in love.

    It would be very difficult for us to blend lives for quite some time…but that was the case with everyone I met.  I’ve seen people put undue strain on relationships by moving while sensitive kids are still in the household, or changing  careers and uprooting.    My kids’ relationship with their father has suffered greatly due to his moving his girlfriend and two young kids in with him.  They don’t want to be around her and the kids (there is a lot of conflict in the household…she has a prize with my ex, for certain), so they have limited their time with him.  I want my relationship with my kids to be positive.   My career is phenomenal and commuting an hour or changing employers would create a great deal of negativity in my life.

    Your perspective changes as you age.  I have several friends and relatives who are suddenly terminally or chronically ill who are in their 50s and 60s.  I have seen a few die suddenly.  You realize that life is so short, and when you find a great person who you can spend good, concentrated time with…you don’t want to trade for other issues…and certainly not time together.  Many people had limited time due to custody of kids.

    I don’t want to date another 100 guys over 2 to 3 years, and get older in the process,  to not find another gentleman like this.  We haven’t discussed living together yet, but have plans stretching far into the future.  If I decide to bring it up, I love how Evan suggests to raise the topic.

     

     

    1. 8.1
      SMC

      I’m happy to read your comments, Daisy, because my situation is VERY similar to yours in that we have an every-weekend bubble, some weeknights, calls and texts every day, etc.  I need to just cool my jets and relax and enjoy what I have in the here and now and fuhgeddabout the future for the time being.  He and I also live an hour apart.   I have a great job, though the difference is I don’t think I’d mind a 1-hour commute from the country because it’s a nice, almost-traffic-free drive and I’ve made it many times on weekday mornings with no problem.  Patience isn’t my middle name and I’m trying to learn it.  Think I’ll  listen again to my audio version of Evan’s WHD on my way home today while keeping your comments/perspective in mind.  🙂

      1. 8.1.1
        Caroline

        SMC and Daisy-thanks for sharing. It can really get complicated if you let it. I’ve been married twice. Two sons from my second marriage (23 years). My youngest is 18 but he is honestly a nightmare. While I love my job, getting away from the situation at home is the best! I just never considered having to blend families (I’ve been divorced 7 years). I feel great obligation to get my sons self sufficient and just can’t see putting soneone in that awkward position. I think I might enjoy living with my guy one day; but maybe not. We are happy, see each other 1-3 times a week, text/talk throughout the day, enjoy vacations together. After dating for over 5 years; I had a brother in law asked me “what’s up with that”? I just told him we are happy and that it works well as we have it. My 85 year old mom replied-“I never thought to ask because I didn’t think it was any of my business”!!

        1. SMC

          Caroline, sometimes I have to ask myself do I really WANT to share my house with another man?  Really, do I??  Because I actually quite enjoy many aspects of being “home alone,” and then other times I wish for his company there.  And truth be told, my house (which has always been my sanctuary except for the awful 4 years I was married this last time) for the first time seems a little empty whenever he leaves after a weekend to see me.  So it’s a conundrum for which there is no answer at this point.  I’ll just keep on enjoying the fun we’re having and let things progress naturally.  For now.  Heh.

          And your mom’s comment made me grin.  Wise lady.  🙂

        2. Christine

          Caroline, your mother sounds like a very wise woman!  🙂 Wow, can she give a seminar to the meddling mothers out there (like mine) on how to mind your own business?

  9. 9
    Rieks

    Oh my word. I’m glad I’m not the only one worrying about this!  I’m in my early 30’s and actually told my bf I should have proposed to him on Monday, that made him freak out and he told me I should not pressure him. So I’m thinking, maybe we don’t ask them where the relationship is going as we are afraid of the answer. Don’t get me wrong. We’ve been dating for a year and I don’t want to get married yet. I just want to know it is in the future, I’m tired of being his weekend gf.

    1. 9.1
      sophia

      You are correct, you are likely afraid of the answer.

      You ought to be MORE afraid of not asking the question .

  10. 10
    laura

    I was the weekend GF for 6 1/2 years. I am tired of packing my bags and unpacking my bags.

    He is retired and I still work (9 yrs. age difference) He goes to his condo in Fla. most of the winter, with a couple trips home during this time. My kids are grown, his son is grown. I want more…someone to wake up with, cook and share meals with, take care of our home, get into bed and giggle with…every day. Sometimes I get lonely. It breaks my heart b/c I love him and I know he loves me. But I have to be truthful to myself…he is happy the way things are…he likes his freedom. He is a widower and already had the whole commitment for life relationship thing.

    I had a meltdown a month ago…the world just came crashing down and I was over tired, stressed and anxious. I won’t go into the details, but he couldn’t be there for me. That made me realize I need someone who wants to be with me and will support me always. He was very good to me, but he couldn’t give me the one thing I needed….him.

  11. 11
    Rieks

    So, I asked the question where do you see this relationship going? And the freaken answer was, “I don’t think about the future, you know that. There is too many variables to be too committed” . So, he has till May this year to reconsider if he wants to think about the future with me, otherwise I have to continue without him and open myself for someone that wants to commit. I’m not even heartbroken about his answer, I’m plain mad about it!

    1. 11.1
      SparklingEmerald

      I think his answer was crystal clear, and there is absolutely no indication that he will “re-consider” his future in 2 months.

      Why are you sticking around for 2 months if you are “plain mad” ?  Why not open yourself for someone who wants to commit NOW.

    2. 11.2
      Karl R

      Rieks,

      I agree with SparklingEmerald.  Your boyfriend gave an answer that clearly indicates that he’s not going to change in the next two months.

       

      My wife and I took our time getting married.  But by the one year mark I was quite clear that I saw us on a path that would likely end up in marriage.

      Based on what you’ve said, your boyfriend isn’t giving any indication that marriage (to anyone) is in his future.  He’s also not indicating that you’re someone he would get married to.

      Most importantly, he freaked out.  That’s a clear sign that you want to be a lot more serious than he wants to be (at least right now, and possibly ever).  Since your expectations seem close to a normal timetable (based on the little you’ve told us), his reaction indicates that he’s not heading toward the same goal on a slightly different timetable.

      1. 11.2.1
        Rieks

        Thank you. I thought maybe if I give him an ultimatum he will wake up, but I see your point, he’s not that into me if it comes to one. Although it will be hard, I’ll have to let go and heal in order for me to be open for someone that will be on the same page as me.

        Sometimes you keep on hoping so hard because he accepts some part of you that might be hard for others to accept that you are not looking at things objectively.

        1. Karl R

          Rieks said:

          “I thought maybe if I give him an ultimatum he will wake up,”

          Ultimatums don’t work that well.  An ultimatum says: “I will leave unless you…”

          Leaving works better: “I’m leaving because…”

           

          The former implies that he ought to change, and pressures him to do so.  The latter accepts that he probably won’t.

          If you start the conversation by accepting that both of you have valid, but incompatible, goals, then the entire dynamic of the conversation changes.

        2. Adrian

          Karl R,

          What would you do if the person who you left because of… decided to marry or whatever to get you back.

           

          Would you be okay with a person marrying or whatever, just so you would stay with them? Isn’t it better for them to do whatever of their own free will?

           

          If so, after you left the person and they came crawling back, would you take them back?

        3. Karl R

          Adrian asked:

          “What would you do if the person who you left because of… decided to marry or whatever to get you back”

          I’m certainly not going to leave my wife for any of them.

          But if we change it into a hypothetical … what would I have done at the time had she changed [insert issue here]?

          I would have depended on whether I thought the issue was likely to be resolved on a permanent basis. For example, the woman with the horrible work-life balance could have left her second job and balanced out her other activities. I certainly would have been willing to give her a second chance to see if she could make the new lifestyle stick. But I wouldn’t have rushed into a marriage without a reasonable expectation that the change was long-lasting.

           

          In most other cases where I broke things off, I didn’t believe the other person was capable of changing.

           

          Adrian asked:

          “Would you be okay with a person marrying or whatever, just so you would stay with them?”

          Personally, I expect that particular woman would have been happier if she’d fixed her work-life balance. Therefore, I don’t see a problem with her making a positive change in her life, which also allows us to stay together.

          In another case, I felt that kind of change would just make her unhappy.  She eventually would have reverted to her old habits. Therefore, I wouldn’t have considered taking her back regardless of any promises (or efforts) to change.

           

          Adrian asked:

          “Isn’t it better for them to do whatever of their own free will?”

          In my opinion, the woman would have been changing out of her own free will.

          However, since the change wouldn’t have initially been her idea, you have a point. There is a higher likelihood that she’d revert back to old habits. For that reason, I’d would want to proceed with additional caution before making the relationship permanent.

    3. 11.3
      SparklingEmerald

      Hi again Rieks – Honestly, I’m not trying to pick on you, but I just noticed something else in your post.  You quoted him as saying ““I don’t think about the future, you know that. . .”

      From that I gather that he had already told you there was no future with you.  Dating coach Marni Batista calls this “the disclaimer”.  EMK had a blog post called “Men are honest, women just aren’t listening”.

      Back in the stone age, when I was a young single, when EMK was just a toddler, I learned (after much trial and error) that if a man said “I’m just not in a place in my life . . .” or “I don’t need a ‘label’ for what we are . . .”  or “I can’t predict how I’ll feel in the future . . ” to walk away an not look back.

      Men usually issue this “disclaimer” early on, and women often think to themselves “Oh, he doesn’t REALLY mean that”.  Newsflash ladies, he ABSOLUTELY means that.

      I wish you well on your journey for love, please listen closely for the disclaimer and walk away as soon as you hear it and don’t look back.  You’ll save yourself YEARS of wasted time, and leave yourself open to the man who WANTS a future with you.

      Good luck to you !

       

      1. 11.3.1
        Rieks

        I’m not feeling picked on, I appreciate all the advice I can get. I’m very new in relationships and this is a learning curve for me!

         

        It was his comment of  “I don’t think about the future,  you know that” that made me mad. He did NOT tell me that. He said he is afraid of marriage. I then asked him if he would ever get married and he said YES, if he don’t want to loose someone he loves dearly. This was on date 3. Had he said no, I would not have stick with him!

         

        As for the ultimatum, it was to give him a fair chance, he ponders decisions for a long time, over thinking every aspect in his life. However, I always said I will never give him an ultimatum that we get married or I leave, I don’t want a guy that marries me because he had “no choice”, I want him to want to marry me.

         

  12. 12
    Gina

    Once again Evan’s advice is spot on. I am 54 and my boyfriend of 5 months is 60. We live 25 minutes away from each other, are teachers, have been divorced twice, and enjoy exploring the S.F. Bay area together. I have no children, and my bf has three ages 23, 11, and 9. He shares 50/50 custody of the two younger children with his second wife, so we see each other twice a week and every other weekend. Both of his marriages ended in messy divorces so he does not have a desire to remarry. He treats me good, is very loving, calls me several times a day, and has told me that I am both a blessing and a light in his life. I have found that older I get the more comfortable and set on my ways I am becoming. As a result, although I have no desire to marry or live together because I cherish my independence and love having my own space, I do enjoy having a companion to spend time with.

  13. 13
    John Johnson

    The reality of the situation of the couple in the article is they choose not to blend their family and move forward as a couple. So many of my friends in their forties and fifties try to have a weekend getaway relationship to keep from dealing with the difficulties inherent in love relationships. I’ll dare to say it stems from a lack of emotional maturity. Our society says life should be easy and if something is challenging, we should walk away and not stress ourselves. If you want to be in a romantic relationship and you both have kids from a previous marriage, do what the Brady Bunch did or play the weekend getaway relationship and take it for what it is. You can’t make your boyfriend do what you want. What you want is a certain future with him that you cannot have because your in a weekend getaway relationship and that is all it is.

    1. 13.1
      Daisy

      I don’t see it as emotionally immature – I see it as the opposite.  Some people want to impact their kids as little as possible, and view it as selfish or impulsive to toss a new person into the mix quickly or thoughtlessly.  I want to get to know someone over a long period of time, and see what they are like before involving them with my kids.  My life experience has also told me that the Brady Bunch is fiction, and that blended families can be very difficult.

  14. 14
    John Johnson

    Daisy,

    In the article the couple has been together for 3 years.  I think that is plenty of time to get to know someone. Kids are resilient and want to be part of a family unit. I came from a blended family and it worked fine. The welfare of the kids should be considered and after 3 years, you would know the other person’s character. The emotionally immature part is saying 3 years is not enough to know. Still doing the weekend getaway relationship at that point is indicative of  arrested development. Real life is challenging and trying to shield yourself or your kids from manageable difficulty after a 3 year relationship is being over cautious.

    1. 14.1
      Daisy

      Yes, in this case, every other weekend for 3 years is probably too long.  If there is no forward motion, clear talk of future, I agree that this arrangement may be going on too long if one of the participants really wants something different.

      I just met so many people in such bad situations with very dysfunctional kids, or financial issues they wanted time to resolve.   I can see how it could stretch out to when kids are out of high school or even college in some situations.

  15. 15
    NewlyMarriedWoman

    My husband is 6 feet tall, has wonderful thick hair, piercing blue eyes, and earns six figures. He has an ex-spouse as do I. He proposed 8 months after meeting me. We were both past 50 at time of wedding. (I already was, he is 2 years younger than I am). He was very clear he wanted me to be his wife, not his sometime gf.  So, yes, divorced men over 50 can be great winners and still fall in love and marry.

    To me the problem for lw is mostly about their parenting styles. A blended family can be fine if the kids have been raised well so far and the two partners commit to making their marriage the top of the pyramid in the home and let the children be children. But both these partners have decided their children are at the top of the pyramid, telegraphing that the kids will dictate the lives of the adults and that the kids are too fragile to adjust to life changes. This does not bode well for a good blended situation.

    So, for these two lovers, the little artificial bubble they inhabit periodically is just right. Because they have not tested their love in the cold, hard light of day and they have both signaled their homes are child-centric, not marriage or adult centric. A marriage is likely to fail if you can’t keep the first vow to “forsake all others” right from the get-go.

    Before I get flamed let me make it clear I believe children are extremely important and their parents must be devoted to them. My point is that good-child rearing and good-marriage are not mutually exclusive. Yet these two lovers have decided that they are mutually exclusive. Therefore it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each will create “sides” within a potential blended family — EVEN WHEN THE KIDS BECOME ADULTS — instead of cleaving to each other. That makes for a disaster. She is better off leaving things as they are and accepting that or changing her own philosophy and see where that takes her.

    Of course, there is always the possibility that neither one of them feels as strongly about the other as they think they do and they could potentially meet someone else where the weekend thing is just not at all satisfying and they can’t wait to blend their lives and will make it work. There’s always that.

    P.S. I am utterly devoted to my teen stepson and my husband, a wonderful father, can’t stop thanking me for it. We’ve been married 3 years as of this date.

     

     

     

  16. 16
    Lisa

    I guess you need to feel out what his concern is or was.  Was it for his kids, not wanting to move or is he truly happy with how things are?  The fact that you bring each other’s families around each other leads me to believe there is hope for more.  Is it possible he thinks you are happy with the status quo?  And are you looking for marriage, moving in or just seeing him during the week?   I would not recommend uprooting your kids and buying a home in his town or uprooting the kids at all without a ring I’m sorry that’s just not fair to them.   Maybe try seeing each other more during the week first and see how that goes.

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