Does It Appear That I’m Playing Games If I Respond to A New Guy After a Couple of Days?

I met a guy at a happy hour during the week. We had a great conversation and he gave me his card before he left. He asked me to text him that evening and said that he would text me back. I was interested and so I texted him later that evening at around 9pm. He did text back at 11pm and said “Hey Lynn!!! I had so much fun with you. You are awesome. I’ll be in your part of town tomorrow after work. I’d love to see you again.”

I responded the next morning because I was already sleeping by 11pm. I said I would like to see him but I had other plans. I asked to meet him next week after work. He said that would be great to let him know when. This was a Friday and I didn’t respond until Sunday night. I had to coordinate my weekday evening so I could give a day/time and I didn’t have that ready until Sunday. On Sunday night I told him I could meet him on Wednesday at 6:30pm. No response.

A male friend of mine said that it looks like I am playing games. That I should have met him, and I should try and contact him again and ask for another date.

I am not so sure about this for a few reasons:

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.
    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?
    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

My question for you, Evan, is: Am I reading this situation accurately or is my friend correct? I don’t want to waste time with the wrong guys.

Lynn

As a Jewish atheist dating coach, I’m not sure I’m allowed to invoke Jesus, but what the hell:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

It’s pretty much the only dating advice you ever need and the easiest way to answer any question.

You’re seeing a guy. You like him. You have a connection. You start texting. Things seem great. He disappears for two days while you’re waiting for a reply from him and acts like nothing’s wrong.

How do you feel, Lynn?

Probably pretty crappy. Relationships are all about communication, and, for some reason, nobody told this guy how to communicate. Instead of being silent for an entire weekend while you awaited his reply, he easily could have kept the conversation going.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

He could have told you that he was checking his schedule for next week and would get back to you with an answer on Sunday. He could have then continued your conversation using various emojis and misspelled words, like most people do, so you’d communicate throughout the weekend until he got his answer. But nope: that was too much effort. You asked him for a time. He left you hanging without any response for an entire weekend.

So please, allow me to beat this semi-intentional game-playing mindset right out of you forever.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

He calls you. Call him back. Immediately.
He texts you. Texts him back. Immediately.
He says he wants to see you. Reply to him. Immediately.

That’s what people do for people they care about – they are swift and considerate to respond. All of your points at the end of the email are just self-rationalizations.

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.

Maybe. Maybe if he’s got no other options. Or is feeling a little needy. Or horny. Or smitten. But then again, he may just decide he wants a woman with good communication skills who is enthusiastic enough about him to reply to a short text in 72 hours.

    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?

Maybe. It’s more likely that he’s clueless and not particularly good at dating. Thus, giving you his card is more of an act of being feminine and wanting to put you in the driver’s seat, as opposed to a sign of disinterest. “If she’s interested, she’ll call me,” say beta males everywhere.

You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

Huh? He was in your neighborhood. He wanted to see if you could get together spontaneously. This isn’t a man who doesn’t want to make an effort. It is, on the other hand, a woman who is so knee-deep in some “Rules” bullshit that she can’t tell the difference between a nice guy and a game player.

Your guy friend is right. You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

You’ve probably blown this one by now, but the next time a guy is enthusiastic about you, try being enthusiastic about him, too. It works wonders.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Adrian

    Such a great response by Evan!

    Especially how he answered point # 1 because that mentality and the many variations on that statement is a core belief of many women.

     

    No matter how beautiful/sexy a man or woman is; how we respond to their actions (rude or benign) says more about how we view our own self worth than it does about that person.

    If any man or woman still tries to pursue a relationship with a person who waited 3 days to respond to them, that man or woman is pretty desperate and lacks options in my opinion.

    All the women I know, if a man would have ever tried that 3 day rule crap on them, he would never hear from her again.

     

    It’s not just about the other person making you feel desired. An emotionally healthy person wants to give as much as they want to receive.

  2. 2
    Christine

    I can’t blame the guy here.  I can understand not being available so soon, the next day, but I’m not sure what stopped her from doing as Evan suggested–saying she’ll check her schedule and get back to him on Sunday with alternatives.

    She (intentionally or not) probably gave him the impression that she was unenthusiastic about him–first by not responding to him all weekend, then wanting to wait all the way until Wednesday to  meet up with him.

    I wonder what she was doing on all the days before Wednesday, that she couldn’t meet up with him sooner?  There was the weekend, Monday and Tuesday.  That gives the impression that she’s way too busy to even date, let alone have a relationship, if she has to squeeze him in the middle of the week like that.  Or, that she doesn’t see him as important enough to make him a priority, to see him sooner.  At least, that’s the impression I would get if a guy did that with me.

    I don’t know anyone that busy, that they can’t meet up with someone they’re interested in ASAP.  Even the most demanding professions don’t run 24/7.  I know a couple where the husband is an emergency room surgeon (talk about unusual and demanding hours)…but even he managed to see his future wife on a regular basis when they were dating (which is probably why they’re married now).

    No matter how much someone may like another person initially, no one wants someone who doesn’t seem to reciprocate the interest or isn’t available (well, at least no one with reasonably high self-esteem).  If I’d been that unresponsive and/or busy, I doubt I’d have a relationship now.

    1. 2.1
      Mea

      I am a PhD student, and I am that busy. My boyfriend is super flexible and when we first started dating patiently waited 2-3 weeks between dates. That said I did openly communicate my interest, the craziness of my life, and my hope that he could still somehow be a part of it. I also give him 100% of my attention when we are together. So there really is no excuse for this woman’s shortness.

  3. 3
    Stacy2

    Ahh yes the communication skills of the letter writer were kind of poor, but the real problem is the level of attraction here IMO (on both sides). If I really like a guy I will not take 2 days to figure out which day I am going to see him – without as much as letting him know that this is what I am doing (“I need to sort out my schedule, Wednesday may work but can I confirm it on Sunday?”). On the other hand, if the guy really liked the letter writer, he would still go out with her even after she took 2 days to respond. So, both were kind of lukewarm about one another and mutually saw each other as requiring “too much effort” – all even before the first date. Bullet dodged.

    1. 3.1
      Adrian

      Hi Stacy2

      Stacy2 said, “if the guy really liked the letter writer, he would still go out with her even after she took 2 days to respond.”

       

      Stacy2 I am curious, if mentioned wanting to go out with a guy and he waited almost 3 days to reply to you, if you really liked him would you still accept his behavior because of your attraction to him?

      1. 3.1.1
        Adrian

        I meant to say “if you mentioned”

      2. 3.1.2
        Stacy2

        For the first date? If I really liked him and it wasn’t for *tomorrow* yes I would

    2. 3.2
      Jennifer

      I agree, Stacy2, bullet definitely dodged- by the letter writer.

      In my experience, a man (any man, not just “beta males”) who is absolutely nuts about a woman will rise to the challenge she presents. Men love a challenge. Period. It’s why they play sports or become card sharks, or scale Mount Everest, or become expert salesmen. They thrive on accomplishments and winning, and it’s no different with dating. When a guy is over the moon for a woman, and she takes two days to get back to him, he wonders what she’s doing or who else she’s going out with, and the anticipation only makes it that much sweeter when he finally does secure a date with her.

      But you ask a man and he’ll tell you how much he looooves it when women take charge. The truth is, he may love the idea of a woman who makes it easier on him and doesn’t keep him guessing. But odds are he won’t be crazy about her. People always want something more when they think they can’t easily get it. Don’t listen to what a guy says. Watch what he does. Then you have your answer. 😊

      1. 3.2.1
        Clare

        Absolutely nuts about a woman? They’ve met once.

         

        With all due respect that is totally unrealistic in most cases. Men take time to fall in love, so do most humans. This “if he was in love with me at first sight he would do x, y and z” bullshit gets people into a lot of unnecessary trouble.

        1. Jennifer

          I did not say anything about being in love. I said “nuts about her”, which means “Wow, this woman is exactly my type and there’s just something about her. I’m not letting this one get away!”.

          My point being, guys know who they’re really attracted to.  If he had to have her, he would have made absolutely sure that he asked for her number, nailed her down for a date no matter how long he had to wait and then followed through afterward. As it was, from where she stood this guy could just be the type who passes out his business card like it’s candy to every halfway decent-looking woman he sees. Not exactly most women’s idea of being swept off her feet!

        2. Clare

          I still think you are labouring under a very fairytale, unrealistic version of relationships.

           

          What you want the guy to do in your head and what he actually decides to do in real life as an autonomous, thinking, feeling person are two different things, you do know that right?

        3. Jennifer

          And I think you’re seriously selling yourself short if you think you can’t find a man who absolutely has to have you from the first time he meets you. The right guy will make it happen, and fast.

           

        4. Clare

          I’m not selling myself short. I’m with a wonderful man who adores me.

        5. GoWiththeFlow

          Every man’s “dream woman” wants and desires him as much as he wants and desires her.  If she doesn’t show any reciprocal interest in him, she is not his dream woman.

        6. Emily, the original

          GoWithTheFlow,

          Every man’s “dream woman” wants and desires him as much as he wants and desires her.  If she doesn’t show any reciprocal interest in him, she is not his dream woman.

          You’re thinking logically. These things aren’t logical. Haven’t you ever made it VERY CLEAR to a man you weren’t interested, but he still won’t go away? He’s not thinking, “Well, gosh, she’s not responding, so she must not be my dream woman.” He just wants what he wants.

        7. GoWiththeFlow

          Emily,

          Thought it went with out saying that a regular, confident, emotionally healthy guy has the requirement that his “dream woman” reciprocate his interest to BE his dream woman.

          What you are describing is an emotional masochist.  Having been one myself in my 20s, I can tell you, it’s a miserable way to NOT be in a relationship, while you’re making yourself unavailable for a real one.

        8. A Man

          Jennifer, plenty of us would put more effort forth if it was a done deal, but it’s simply not an attractive thing for men to do in the early stages. Even if it’s what women imagine happening, when it happens in the real world, women lose interest, and men figure that out over time. Women flake on me way less when our texting ratio is closer to 1:1 with each other, than when I send several.

          Also, in the past year or so, I’ve sort of noticed women wising up to the fact that they might not be attracted to men who do everything they want them to do right away.

      2. 3.2.2
        GoWiththeFlow

        Jennifer,

        I disagree.  My brother and grown son are both good looking guys that have a healthy amount of confidence.  If they are getting radio silence from a woman, they assume it’s because she’s not into him.  They have other options and will move on.  This idea that a man will move mountains to pursue a woman he’s “crazy” about is an invention of Harlequin romance novels.  It’s what women fantasize about, but it’s not what most women are going to get because it’s not everyday reality.

        1. Adrian

          Hi  GoWithTheFlow,

          OMG THANK YOU!

          ____

          I need to ask you something that has been on my mind a lot lately because of the comments on this site; as a woman do you believe that the majority of the views of women on this site are a representation of all women as a whole, or is this a niche group?

          I ask because though I haven’t been on this site long, I have read a preponderance of Evan’s older post; in doing so I have noticed a very large shift in the way many of the female commenters view each genders roles during dating.

          Go back on this blog and read post from say as little as 8 years and ago and women appreciated the things men did like asking her out, calling first, planning for dates, paying, etc. If the guy was a good guy but didn’t ask for her number but instead gave her his number, the women commented that the guy may have been shy or didn’t know how to court.

          Fast forward to the most modern comments and it seems like the women expect and demand for the guy to do these things. If he doesn’t, he is a play or beta, or not really into her. All this before even having one date or conversation on the phone to get to know something about the guy.

          It is not just this subject by the way, I have been noticing this consistently for many post now. Even something as simple as a recent post about a guy who was recovering emotionally from a failed marriage due to a cheating ex-wife and so he was hesitant to buy a engagement ring though the letter writer said herself that he still spoke to her about wanting to marry her.

          You would think that women would be understanding of his feelings right??? Nope! Most of the commenters were saying he didn’t really want to marry her or his past hurts didn’t count, what matters is how the ring made his fiancé feel, a guy who really wanted her would forsake his feelings for hers!!! That’s just one example among many post, this current post is the latest example.

          Most are excusing the female letter writers behavior of waiting almost 3 days to reply to a simple text just to focus on one little thing the man did that they didn’t like. Just because he didn’t ask for her number he is a player or not really into her? One commenter suggested that the guy is probably beta so the letter writer dodged a bullet; again excusing her behavior because this guy didn’t do want the commenter demands that a guy do.

          It just seems like most female commenters think they are such a great catch and are so giving, yet when you read what they write, they seem to only show what they demand not what they offer.

          Yet look at the comments from a few years ago and it was different. Most of the female commenters said they loved giving, calling, planning, buy things for the one they cared for. The majority mentioned how it was a struggle for them to not reciprocate and they couldn’t wait for this part of the courting to be over. No mention of what they demanded the guy should do, only how they couldn’t wait to be more proactive in the relationship.

          Again, I will never forget this comment (though unfortunately I can’t remember what post is it from or I would link it), a female commenter said that men should be glad do “all” the asking, calling, planning, paying, etc, even if it’s for months, because the man’s reward is the “opportunity” to earn a chance to be in her company.

          From reading the comments lately it seems that is the way the majority of the women feel. Men offering something isn’t viewed as something special, it is seen as a duty, nothing worth giving his character a point for.

           

          Anyway, in your opinion is this how most women are, or is it just this site, or is it an age thing, or is it a geographic thing, or is it a social class thing, or am I just missing something?

        2. Jennifer

          Yeah no, even the most good-looking, successful man will still pursue a woman who really rings his bell. Other options don’t matter to a guy when he thinks he’s found the woman of his dreams.

        3. GoWiththeFlow

          Jennifer,

          “Yeah no, even the most good-looking, successful man will still pursue a woman who really rings his bell. Other options don’t matter to a guy when he thinks he’s found the woman of his dreams.”

          Have you asked a guy if this is how he and his friends operate IRL?  How many real life examples of this have you seen?  I would bet not very many.  Usually, there is a reciprocity of interest and time investment.

        4. Clare

          Adrian,

           

          TBH I wouldn’t worry about how the “majority” of women think, or what you think the majority of women think. I’m a woman and I can’t really understand it myself, for the life of me. Too many rules, too much hostility, too much defensiveness. I don’t even ask my female friends for advice any more, because I get priceless gems like what Jennifer offered up above. If he was the right guy he would walk on water, slay lions and tigers and bears, oh my! and all that nonsense. If I listened to them I would still be single, which come to think of it would probably make them feel a lot better.

           

          And it’s not just women, by the way. Men also have their heads filled with all sorts of crap about what a woman should be like and what she should put up with. All bolstered by their (single) guy friends.

           

          People are more concerned with ticking off behaviours on a checklist than with getting to know the person in front of them as an individual human being, and everyone feels like they’re walking on eggshells. And we help each other to police this sorry state of affairs.

           

          My advice to you is don’t worry what the majority of women are thinking and doing. Find someone whose thinking is compatible with yours. If you exist, so does she.

           

          That is what I have done and both of us have the safety to share and be ourselves. Our relationship is a gentle understanding place and we are absolutely besotted with each other. I wouldn’t trade this for any ticked off checklist in the world.

           

           

        5. GoWiththeFlow

          Adrian,

          I think the differing types of responses from commenters in the past compared to now is just a natural cycling of people.  I’m sure the tone of comments will be different yet again a year or two from now.

          Age may also be a factor.  For myself and a lot of people I know, you do tend to become better at acknowledging, understanding and accepting perspectives that are from a different point of view than your own the older you get. Maybe as we get older we’re given wisdom to make up for loss of SMV 😉  If I see a post or comment where there is never even the acknowledgment that others may have a different POV, I wonder if that person is very young, or very inexperienced.

          The biggest issue I have seen in a lot of comment threads is the tendency to read too much into what the OP has written.  Especially when people assign malevolent motives to someone!

          It is very difficult to try and pull oneself back and not go diving into the deep and just take things at face value and be willing to say, “Gee, I really shouldn’t assume the dude’s a player because he gave the OP his card and told her to message him if interested.”  Could the guy be a player?  Yes.  But he could also be just a little clueless about how a woman may view this.  Or maybe he has been hurt in the past and he’s putting her in the position to make the next move in an attempt to protect his own heart.  The possibilities are endless, so why even speculate?  Just say, “What i do know is that I enjoyed my time with him, so I will go ahead and text him.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and a texting is low investment.

          Additionally, there are some people who just don’t have a lot of members of the opposite sex that they are friends with, so they don’t get an opportunity to get the opposite sex insight into situations like this.  In the absence of this, a person will project what they really desire, behavior wise, from the opposite sex ONTO the opposite sex and then say, this is how they will behave.

          Thus we have some women thinking a man will go so nuts over her at first sight that he will put in endless effort and risk endless rejection and humiliation to “have” her.  To bolster her argument that this is so, she will mention the 1-2 friends this happened to (or worse cite a celebrity relationship) while never acknowledging the hundreds of others she knows who’s relationships didn’t start out this way.

          This is standard romance novel and Rom-Com material because it gives women the feeling they want:  to be deeply wanted, valued, and desired.  What’s not mentioned in the books and movies is that most guys don’t have such super-human levels of confidence that they’re going to crazy pursue a woman who seems uninterested in him.  Especially if he knows there are other women out there who are interested in him.  It’s very attractive when someone likes you back!  People go where they are wanted.

          A counter example would be an older man who insists an attractive young woman will choose him over a handsome man closer to her own age, because he offers maturity and stability.  Yes there are older men-younger women couples (my brother and his fiancé are one).  But it’s not the norm, and a man insisting that it’s “the way of the world” because he wants it to be true for himself isn’t going to change the statistics.

          I got to witness a man fall in love-at-first-sight at a frat party in college.  The girl was a friend of mine, and she had left the party, and the guy was semi-distraught that he hadn’t gotten her contact info.  Then I got pulled into it because my boyfriend was one of his frat brothers.  (Mind you, this was before cell phones and the internet.)  Evidently, someone else ran into her shortly after they left the party and told her that she had a smitten admirer back at the first party.  She returned, sought him out, and hung out with him the rest of the night.  They were inseparable after that, got married, and recently became grandparents.  Even though he was immediately taken with her, she reciprocated the attention.  He didn’t have to jump through endless hoops to “win” her.  She participated in her own courtship.

          One last thing to keep in mind:  Sometimes, as a writer, it’s very hard to convey the total picture;  thoughts, intent, feelings, in written form.  I know i have been surprised at times when people comment on what I wrote and it’s apparent I wasn’t expressing myself as clearly as I thought.  So I try to be aware that sometimes the poster’s true intent isn’t showing through and I overlook a negative tone or a few harsh worlds.

          However, assholery is usually pretty obvious:

          “. . .a female commenter said that men should be glad do ‘all’ the asking, calling, planning, paying, etc, even if it’s for months, because the man’s reward is the ‘opportunity’ to earn a chance to be in her company.”

        6. Christine

          Adrian, I agree with Clare to not be unduly worried about the “majority” of women, and just find one who’s right for you.  In the end, you only want and need one compatible person.  You don’t have to appeal to the majority–just one.

          There are women out there who will reciprocate and show interest.  During the courtship phase, I reciprocated by trying to respond to my guy as quickly as I could, and see him as much as possible.

          I also always told him, in advance, the few times I wouldn’t have my cell phone on me as much as usual.  For instance, when I was babysitting my nephew.  The little rascal needs constant vigilance and I can’t take my eyes off him for a minute, not even to check my phone! 🙂  I didn’t want my guy to contact me during a time like that, then misinterpret my lack of response as lack of interest (when what I was really doing was trying to prevent my nephew from tearing the place down).

          He’d also do the same for me, i.e. tell me when he had to work late (even showed me his work calendar).  So on those nights, I didn’t expect to hear from him and didn’t take that silence personally either.

          That’s true of any relationship, that you need to consider the other people’s feelings because they make up half of it.  For instance, I once had to bail on a planned dinner with a group of friends, when I found out that my mother was in the hospital. But when I did cancel, I was clear to my friends about why–so they couldn’t possibly think I was just blowing them off.

          What struck me about this letter is the lack of acknowledgment or concern for what he’d think.  She didn’t even consider how her silence and not seeing him until Wednesday could look to him.  Relationships are a two way street so we need to consider his needs too.

           

        7. Caroline

          Hi Adrian-I wanted to respond to your question to GWTF since I recognized my words in your post. I live in the Deep South, an area steeped in traditional social customs and values (I’m not originally from here-I’ve lived in numerous states up and down the eastern seaboard and Midwest and northern states). Manners (treating others how you would like to be treated) are instilled early in your life. For example, children are taught to say “Sir and Ma’am”. It may seem archaic but my sons as teens and young adults learned that this simple custom sets the whole tone of an interaction with another adult whether its a much respected boss or old grouch. It’s a sign of respect. Showing respect sets the stage for the respect you’d like to be treated with. Men traditionally take I the masculine role of approaching and dating and courting because women respond and reciprocate their thoughtfulness. A woman who is thrust into the position of pursuing tends to be discouraged and awkward with her new “role”. Hence the game playing in the blog post. Now, I realize this is an evolving world and there’s this question of why the male has to be first to extend the olive branch but all I know is that is usually best to put your best self forward in life ( male or female). That’s why kindness and empathy are usually met with same and anger/manipulation are met pettiness and anger. Or as evan said “Do unto others..”- its called the golden rule for good reason! I don’t think in general women feel entitled to guys paying for dates, calling etc but it’s more a gesture of being well intentioned. When as a woman we learn how to reciprocate this thoughtfulness to men by say cooking for them, getting tickets to your fav sporting event, etc but especially acting with gratitude toward your gestures. Courting is just a custom to convey your respect and how you value/cherish them whether you’re male or female. Maybe it could be looked at as giving the girl a chance to reciprocate ? Keeping these courting customs isn’t because women are entitled or think their a “great catch”; it’s because they work. It’s that golden rule all over again. My dad doesn’t go all the way around to the passenger car door to open it for my mom because she can’t or feels he should. He does as a caring gesture to show he’s there for her. My mom didnt cook for my dad all their married life because he can’t cook or thinks he’s entitled to her doing it. She does it as a gesture of caring for him. It seems to me people have lost sight of the fact that humans have emotions. I don’t recall in that courting post which was riddled with over analyzing, long winded posts where anyone stressed it was it was a good thing because it evoked loving emotions. It seemed all about keeping score. Humans are more than just a bunch of biology driven parts. There’s a spiritual, emotional side to us. Even western medicine is realizing more that you can’t just treat the biology. Otherwise stress/emotions wouldn’t be such a big key to our overall wellness. Cancer patients in particular show marked differences in outcome from emotional support.

          Anyways, I realize my comment sounded cynical but it comes from a place in my life where after almost 30 years of teaching my sons the golden rule; I wonder why a 60 year old man raised under similar conditions  hasn’t learned this lesson yet and DO I even want to take on the task.

        8. Caroline

          Oh and just to be totally clear-being an entitled arsehole is not gender specific. Just because the guy didnt approach her in the pursuing role doesn’t negate her behavior.  I’m also not a big haired bible thumping bigot wanting to return to the 1950s. I’m actually a liberal yank living and trying to navigate modern loving relationships  in the land of cotton who happens to run a crew of men seasonally:)

        9. GoWiththeFlow

          Caroline,

          Yep, assholery is equal opportunity, and we are all capable of it under certain circumstances with certain people.  I know I have come off poorly at times when trying to express myself, and it will happen again I’m sure.  I just hope people forgive me for my excesses.

          I really believe that men and women speak different languages, and there are also intra-gender dialect differences.  Not having ever lived in the south, for years I thought, “Why bless his heart” was a benign statement 😉

          I had a very unusual and interesting conversation with a mixed group of friends yesterday.  I shared that my mid 40s, never been married brother had just gotten engaged, and I was asked the typical how did they meet questions.  It wound up evolving into a discussion of how hard it can be for men past a certain age to find an attractive (to him) compatible woman to settle down with.  Past the age of 40, the numbers game starts to work against them in much the same way it works against women:  Most people are coupled up and many of the singles are dealing with steamer trunks of baggage, both their own and their prospective S.O.s.

          It would have been easy for the women present to think or say, hey, all of my single women friends are lovely, so clearly what the guys are saying is WRONG.  But when we, the women, put aside that immediate knee-jerk reaction, and consider it more closely, there ARE women we know who are good friends to us, but they aren’t necessarily great girlfriends or wives.  And I’m not talking about the egregious stuff like infidelity or abuse.

          I have a great friend who used to constantly relay “my husband is so stupid. . .” scenarios to anyone with ears, often within earshot of said hubby  One day her “stupid” husband left her, saying he felt unappreciated and wasn’t going to take it anymore. A mutual friend, a long married woman in her 70s pointed out that it’s not wise to disparage your spouse to the public if you want to remain married to them.  To which the shocked ex-wife said, “What’s the big deal?  I was sharing funny things about our life.  I wasn’t disrespecting him!”

          So I think we all have beliefs or behaviors that we think are benign that are experienced by others as being selfish, entitled, or just plain mean, and we don’t realize the impact of our actions and words.  At the same time, we sometimes “hear” entitlement and cruelty and the speaker honestly didn’t know that’s how their words would be interpreted.  It’s all a hazard of trying to communicate across a language divide.  Things get messed up in translation.

        10. Adrian

          Clare, GoWithTheFlow, Christine, and Caroline

          Thanks to you all!

          ___

          Caroline, I’m not sure what words of yours you felt I was quoting, but I wasn’t directing anything at you. Honestly, I always felt most of your comments were balanced.

          My issue wasn’t about men shouldn’t be courting; my issue was about “some” female commenters feeling they don’t have to give back because courtship is owed to them.

          Then they say, “I’ll give back when we are a couple, as long as he keeps giving.”

        11. B

          There are men like go with the flow describes, and there are men like Jennifer describes. Both of you are right. Good men with a healthy self confidence will expect reciprocal interest in a woman in order to move forward with the relationship. Maximizers, on the other hand will only be happy with women who were their dream women who did not necessarily want them. The fun for maximizers is in attaining the unattainable . Fortunately , not all men are maximizers. Guess who gets divorced the most?

        12. Karmic Equation

          “My issue wasn’t about men shouldn’t be courting; my issue was about “some” female commenters feeling they don’t have to give back because courtship is owed to them.
          Then they say, ‘’ll give back when we are a couple, as long as he keeps giving.'”
          Hi Adrian,
          I don’t the “some” women you’re referring to who say that courtship is “owed” to them are the regular commenters on this board. They’re trolls. They ome in and neg Evan or the topic, come back to defend their stance, but never with the intention of growing or understanding from the discourse. They just want to spew. We know a couple of guy-trolls like that, too, don’t we?
          So you should disregard those “trolls”. They’re not representative of most women or most men. They’re the kind of people who’ll never do well in relationships and if they found a good relationship, will end up unintentionally sabotaging it. So feel sorry for them instead.

  4. 4
    susannekalsas

    It’s obvious that she wasn’t that enthusistic about him as he was about her. And I think if she’d playfully turned the card trick on him, he would be the prusuer as he should be. With that said, I believe she would be better off with a guy who doesn’t act as a passive beta. One week in, and there is already a huge mismatch in conversation styles. I’ve done the mistake of dating a guy who just sits and waits for you to take charge. In the end their insecurites and unableness to make a descission will drive you nuts. Work on how to let a man know that you would like him to be the aggressor and already you’ll see better results in the men you date. Good luck!

  5. 5
    Rocky

    I agree with Evan’s skewering of the 3 rationalizations. Those are…reading too much into things at best, seeing what you want to see at worst.

    That said, the guy should not expect to be a priority or an ASAP meeting after one conversation, and if he thinks she is playing games, he is reading too much into things. We don’t know anything about this conversation so we have no reason to assume it was particularly deep. She doesn’t know any more about this guy than if they emailed on a dating site. If she has other balls in the air, she has every right to prioritize them at this point.

    I will admit that she probably should have responded briefly with, “I want to nail down some moving parts first–I’ll touch base in a couple days.” But failure to do that is not game playing ( unless that was her motivation, which the letter does not establish); that’s just a frankly innocent brain fart. And I agree with Stacy2 that the guy wasn’t that interested or he would have responded, either to meet on Wednesday or suggest a new time.

    1. 5.1
      ScottH

      “she has every right to prioritize them at this point.”

      Yes, but if she makes him feel like a 2nd or 3rd choice, he will likely lose interest very quickly.  He can be a 2nd or 3rd choice but if she wants to keep him active, she will make him feel like a 1st choice until she makes up her mind.

      If I was the guy in this story, I would have felt slighted but given her the benefit of the doubt and then met her at a mutually agreeable time and see what happened.  If she continued to respond in a lazy way, I’d move on.

  6. 6
    JB

    Evan is correct although the word “immediately” is a stretch…lol I think in this day and age to not return any form of communication be it text, email, or actual voice message within a reasonable amount of time (a couple of hours) unless of course you ARE a surgeon doing an actual 6 hr surgery.

    1. 6.1
      Nissa

      Argh. I see errors on both sides here. Both had expectations that backfired and compounded the problem with poor communication.
      For him: failing to ask or hand her his phone so that he got her number, calling at 11pm, expecting her to be free the next day (as opposed to a few days later), failure to consider that Lynn might value keeping plans over spontaneity, failure to consider her silence might not be about him, then taking it personally.

      For her: failing to give her number instead of taking his card, failing to tell him in person and again by text when she was most likely to be available, failing to set his expectation by saying “I’ll let you know by Sunday evening”, failing to show additional interest to counter the fact that she was not available (aka, I’m so disappointed, but I can’t that day – I can do it Wednesday though J), failure to tell him her preferred mode of communication (as in, “I hate texting but I love talking on the phone” or “meeting in person is so much better than by phone, don’t you think?”), failure to take into consideration that this fellow did make multiple attempts and might have a bruised ego, failure to consider and offer other options for connection before she can meet in person, failing to offer her value (“I appreciate you making time for our date on my off day”), failing to consider rescheduling non-work commitments.   

      That’s the thing about expectations – we are treating others the way we want to be treated, as though they have the same desires and expectations we do, when they often do not. Busy people expect others to be busy, and spontaneous people expect others to be spontaneous. People who love texting forget that others hate texting. Consideration can be as simple as recognizing the other person’s intention and offering our best effort to that end, without holding them to our expectations of what that will be.

       

  7. 7
    JB

    I hit enter by accident in my above comment before I finished my thought. I was going to finish by saying it’s just plain rude and shows a definite lack of interest to leave anyone but especially someone you haven’t established anything with hanging for any lengthy amount of time. As a guy I judge every woman on how long it takes them to return any form of communication with me for “interest level”. 99.9% of women on the planet have their cell phone on them 24/7 and are usually looking at it. There is no excuse. I return anything within a reasonable amount of time. Night messages after 9p or 10p the next morning.

    1. 7.1
      SMC

      I’m glad to read your comment, JB, because I myself don’t make anyone wait long for a text response.  I know the “rules” for waiting a certain amount of time, but it seems rude to me to make them wait more than a few minutes if I’m available to answer.  By answering promptly, I’m then not suspected of playing games when I DO take a while to respond, either because of work, my phone was turned off and in my purse, or whatever.  People who text me can figure out pretty quickly my level of interest because I’m quick to respond.  I don’t like the pressure of having to respond hanging over my head.  I had a friend once who would wait hours, sometimes even until the next day, before responding to a guy.  Drove me nuts to see her do it, too.

      1. 7.1.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        JB & SMC,

        I sometimes will get direct work scheduling requests even though I have an office to handle it.  One place will text me directly about my availability for certain dates and times.  I always get back to them as soon as possible.  If I am unable to give them an immediate yes or no answer, I let them know that I will need to check on it and I will get back to them within a certain time frame.  If I let them hang for a few days without getting back to them, I would expect them to take their business elsewhere.

  8. 8
    ScottH

    Interesting subject.  I recently had someone contact me on a dating site (1st contact) around 10 pm when I was sleeping.  About an hour later, she sent me another message telling me what a shame it was that I didn’t answer and that we would have been a good match.  I probably would have contacted her the next morning.

    When I first started dating after divorce, I met someone from online and we had the best first date ever (and since) and then met again for breakfast.  We seemed to click so well and be so compatible.  The next day, we were planning dinner for a few days later and her texts went cold which seemed to be very uncharacteristic for her.  After a while, I saw that she was active on the dating site and started to feel quite offended that she had time to be on the site, or  at the very least had her phone in her hand, but couldn’t reply to me.  Before I went to bed that night, I wished her well.   I probably overreacted and she probably under-reacted.

    1. 8.1
      Adrian

      Hi ScottH,

      Something I have noticed a lot from the comments on this site is the “we” fallacy.

      Many men and women have good first dates and say to themselves “we” had a great first date. The truth is that many people are nice and don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. If they aren’t attracted to someone when first meeting them offline or didn’t enjoy their company, they will still smile, be polite, and even laugh at some of your jokes, they will not end the date early, they will sit through the whole thing.

      This is why Evan advises us to be cautious, it (a new partner’s flattering words or actions) is not real until they are actually your boyfriend/girlfriend.

      Many times a person can actually mean the flattering words they give you, but still want someone better.

    2. 8.2
      GoWiththeFlow

      ScottH,

      “I recently had someone contact me on a dating site (1st contact) around 10 pm when I was sleeping.  About an hour later, she sent me another message telling me what a shame it was that I didn’t answer and that we would have been a good match.  I probably would have contacted her the next morning.”

      Dang!  I’m thinking you dodged a case of crazy there!

  9. 9
    Luisa

    I usually agree with Evan’s analyses but I’m in two minds. I’m not a massive texter myself, in fact, it’s not my preferred communication style. Previous dates/ boyfriends have complained that I’m too slow or quite business like on text. I know most people love to communicate this way (and I’m not even old, I grew up texting but it’s just not me and I am open with people about it). I love to chat on the phone and in person but texting (we’re talking long conversations over text lasting an hour or so) completely bore me. I’m not playing games but I know I have to compromise because it’s how the rest of the world works. Just saying, not everyone who doesn’t text back straight away is playing games, let’s not be too quick to judge…..in any case, I like a bit of mystery, why tell me what you’ve been doing all weekend, you can save it for when we meet up….;)

  10. 10
    Tom10

    I’m actually going to agree with the Letter Writer (Lynn) that this guy’s just not that into her, however, he’ll help himself to some easy sex if he thinks he’ll get it.
     
    Allow me to go through what brought me to this conclusion:
     
    “We had a great conversation and he gave me his card before he left.  He asked me to text him that evening and said that he would text me back”
     
    Hmm, truly interested guys make sure to get her number, and actively plan a date (unless, as Evan stated, he’s a total beta, however his subsequent actions tell me this guy isn’t a beta; he’s a player). His actions have implicitly stated “I’m not bothered enough to get your number, but here’s mine if you want to ring me” (and if she rings, it’s a dead cert that she’s interested, thus hugely increasing the odds of him getting some easy sex.
     
    “I texted him later that evening at around 9pm. He did text back at 11pm and said “Hey Lynn!!! I had so much fun with you. You are awesome. I’ll be in your part of town tomorrow after work. I’d love to see you again.”
     
    Hmm, again, this seems like he’s putting in just enough effort to keep her interested, thus lining her up as an option, but not enough effort to actually agree to meet.
     
    “On Sunday night I told him I could meet him on Wednesday at 6:30pm. No response.”
     
    His easy Saturday night sex didn’t materialize so now he’s lost interest. It will be much more difficult on a Sunday evening for him to string her along for a week for the possibility of easy sex at the weekend; he either has to step up and ask her out properly or drop her. His lack of response makes it clear which option he chose. Beta males tend to keep texting, rather than not reply.
     
    “Am I reading this situation accurately or is my friend correct? I don’t want to waste time with the wrong guys.”
     
    My conclusion is that Lynn is correct is correct and her friend is wrong; no matter how well she communicated the conclusion would always be the same: this guy wasn’t interested from the start, but he would have helped himself to some easy sex if the option was on the table.
     
    JM2C!!

    1. 10.1
      Tom10

       
      In fact I’d bet my house that Lynn’s guy gave “his card” to several women at that happy hour, waited to see who indicated interest and then followed up with whichever one seemed keenest/gamiest and was free “tomorrow after work.”

    2. 10.2
      Skaramouche

      Exactly my thoughts…you just put them into better words than I could have!!

      However, I will also agree with what someone said earlier: she wasn’t too interested in him either.  I’m with the LW on every point except the the fact that she apparently pulled a disappearing act from Friday to Sunday.  *Any* communication would have exonerated her…even something as simple as “sure, will do”.  Instead, she didn’t acknowledge the message at all and just well…disappeared.  As man or as a woman, I’d be hard pressed not to feel a bit unwanted at this point.

      Probably just as well or she would have found out about his (suspected) “playah ways” the hard way…

    3. 10.3
      Nissa

      While I agree with you, I think Evan wanted the LW to move to a position of giving her dating partners the benefit of the doubt when not in possession of all the information, as opposed to jumping to possibly negative conclusions. It does make sense to assume a positive intention, at least until more data is acquired.

      1. 10.3.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Nissa,

        Exactly!

        If your kid coughs, there’s a 99.999999% chance that it’s not because they have a life threatening condition that requires a lung transplant.  Don’t assume the worst up front.

  11. 11
    Emily, the original

    OMG it was TWO days. Has no one every asked a friend, “Hey, you want to go see a movie?” and the friend says, “Yes. I’ll get back to you about the day/time.” Do you a breakdown if she takes a day or two to respond? Everyone expects instant communication, and it’s not reasonable.

  12. 12
    Caroline

    In my opinion, he set the tone to all these interactions. What guy who is honestly interested gives her a card requesting she text him? Turn the card over and write your name and number in the back and smilingly tell him “lets get together” or throw it in the trash on your way out the door after the interaction. You’ll probably get the same result -nothing from the guy.

     

    1. 12.1
      Katie

      Totally agree. Unless he asks for the number, it’s just bullshit.

    2. 12.2
      D_M

      Caroline,

      The card thing could easily be subtle peacocking. I’m assuming that he introduced what he does for a living without having to bring it up organically in conversation. Describing certain actions as an indication of future alpha or beta tendencies can be problematic. Men are just like women, we don’t want to waste our times either. In my opinion, the guy was more than likely trying to gauge her level of interest. After all, he was open to seeing her the very next day.

      1. 12.2.1
        Jennifer

        D_M,

        Don’t be fooled by his wanting to see her the next day, that is often not a good indicator of real interest. Especially since he was already going to be in her area- ergo, no real effort was going to be made on his part! If he was really interested in her, he would have asked in advance for a real date. I agree with Tom 10, it looks like he just wanted a fun time on his terms. When she didn’t respond, he moved on to the next girl. Not a huge loss there!

        1. D_M

          Jennifer,

          I can see how both parties mishandled this particular situation. Obviously we are all speculating, but if a guy says he is going to be in your area, doesn’t necessarily mean he actually had plans to be in your area. It’s that game that both women and men play about not wanting to seem too desperate. Both sexes tend to over think these things. Like most of us have concluded, both parties seemed like they were lukewarm towards each other after the happy hour buzz wore off.

      2. 12.2.2
        Caroline

        D_M-I guess for me personally, it’s clear cut. Maybe I’m of a different generation or a traditional southern gal; but the idea that he’d have to flaunt his occupation under my nose to seal the deal or gauge my interest is way over thinking the whole process. It’s not a matter of being “alpha” or “beta”; it’s about being a  well intentioned individual wanting to make a connection with another person. Even my 18 and 27 yo old sons know that asking the girl out or for her number is the most “direct” route to seeing her again:)

  13. 13
    Rocky

    I thought of one other thing women in similar positions may want to remember. If you are in that stage where you are a high risk to ghost completely, you really ought to respond quickly. The paradigmatic time for this is after a first date, but it could also apply after giving your number out.

    The point here is this: guy knows that the majority of the time, he will receive no response. The result is that he will start writing women off earlier and earlier. If the woman responds after she has been written off, the guy might explore it…but has probably lost a lot of enthusiasm.

    Paradoxically I think a guy that can take or leave the woman may be more likely to pursue after a delayed response. Those are the guys that can follow up and move on with their lives without really caring what happens. A guy who is more interested in a woman probably would prefer to get an answer and, if necessary, move on with his life. And he knows that if he doesn’t hear something in a few hours, it’s likely nothing is coming.

    In this instance the OP sent the initial text to indicate some interest even though “the moment” had passed, so I am not totally sure how much this applies here. But it’s definitely related to the broader topic of responsiveness.

  14. 14
    N

    It sure is challenging to navigate dating, interpreting human behavior, and internalizing everything in between. I used to do this.

    Sometimes primary intention changes. A man or a woman whose initial motive is to get laid may find something deeper than easy sex. I learned this from Evan. Man/woman look for sex and find love and vice versa.

    When I stay present, be my authentic self, be fully aware of my intent, stay detached from the outcome, know what I’ve got and continue to work on self-improvement it becomes manageable and fun! Why I learned this just now I have no idea 🙂 It’s a great thing and a breath of fresh air to be consciously aware there are ways to have a better fun dating life! 🙂

  15. 15
    aliyah

    He sounds like such a douche handing out his card. Ugh (wonder how many times a day he does that to varying chicks over the years!)

     

     

  16. 16
    Dana

    I’m not seeing this as her fault. She responded with I’ll get back to you when I know and she did.  I don’t see how this has been misconstrued, and that he should feel like she is feel like playing games. I didn’t think there were any games being played. It’s too early!

    Evan, please clarify.

  17. 17
    John

    Lynn was playing games. She also was very suspicious of the guy in the article. Her rationalizations at the end proved it. She was thinking he was playing an angle and I don’t think any of us could truly know if he was or not. Whether he gave her his number or asked for an on-the-fly date is irrelevant. This may be how the universe is working for her to get her guy. She brought her baggage from the past to this situation and blew it. He could have been a great guy or a loser. The point is she’ll never really know because she was playing defense from the beginning. The hardest thing to do is to not listen to that voice in your head that has to have interactions with the opposite sex go a certain way. The hardest thing is to have an open heart and be in the mystery of life. Love works in mysterious ways if you can get the hell out of your own way.

    1. 17.1
      Caroline

      John-she was way too in her head and yes playing games. In my opinion, he was playing games too. A genuine person who asks another to get together doesn’t hand his card out and tell the other person to give them a call. It reminds me of being in grade school when a boy would send a note to you through another boy which would say “do you like x? Check box yes or check box no. Lol. I’m 55 and my guy is almost 60. I can’t imagine taking a man seriously who seriously handed me his card and told me to text him. I think evan said it was being feminine. I think it lacks authenticity and genuine interest. Both of them kinda acted from a place of fear. Their whole back and forth was from a place of fear and rather juvenile.

       

      1. 17.1.1
        Caroline

        I meant to add:  isn’t this how we all learn? Communications and interactions? I learned quite a bit from “bad” dates. They turned out to be blessings because it makes you look at yourself and learn how to improve. Because you obviously can’t change someone else but you can change and grow yourself and improve the next interaction by “treating others as you would like to be treated”.

        1. Buck25

          Caroline,

          Thanks much! I’m recovering well; will be as good as new (better, actually) before long. Seems like the perfect time to take an extended break  (at least the rest of summer) from  dating  to focus on personal growth and building a happier single life; that’s something I never quite finished before, and I like the way it’s progressing. I’ll decide after that’s done whether I want to jump back on the merry-go-round again. Hope your relationship is still growing and thriving.

      2. 17.1.2
        Buck25

        Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner, folks! Perfectly stated, Caroline!

        1. Caroline

          Hey Buck! Even a broken clock is right twice a day:).  What I don’t know is a lot; but I’m improving. Hope you have recuperated fully from your surgery and that your love life is treating you well.

      3. 17.1.3
        John

        Caroline

        I have personally never given a woman my business card. However, if I had an appt. to get to I might be inclined to give a woman I met in a bookstore my card if I was short on time. This could be a possibilility in this scenario. Why not give the guy the benefit of the doubt. After all, we aren’t in grade school anymore. I’m a masculine guy who likes to take the lead. I’ve had women walk up to be and ask me out. I prefer to do that part, but I am not foolish enough to say that she wasn’t following my protocol therefore I’m going to reject her. I also work in commissioned sales and I have many customers walk into my store and say, “I am just looking.” I can take that statement multiple ways. I can judge the situation as the customer doesn’t want to buy, wants to be left alone the entire time he/she is in the store, a defense mechanism to keep a “slimy” salesperson away, or the usual reason which is “I am not ready.” I always assume “I’m not ready” because the customer hasn’t  had a chance to say “no” because he/she hasn’t seen the merchandise. And because I make my living on selling, I’d starve if I quickly judged that potential customer as uninterested. The point is if you judge the guy as juvenile and feminine in the very beginning of the interaction and not give him the benefit of the doubt; you may miss a great guy who is running late to his next appointment.

        1. Caroline

          John-undoubtedly we can all be cynical. And he did have somewhere else to go/see after Happy Hour but I’m still on the fence about him telling her to text him. I just think it set the tone to all the interactions. It felt like “I’m too busy so give me a text”.  I’ve had guys ask for my number at the deli, the drugstore, Starbucks, on the way to work when we were both hurrying but we were able to make a connection. I’d say most followed up with a phone call within 24hrs which is very kind. Btw-I never said he acted feminine; Evan did (I’m assuming because he put her in the position of pursuing him). I’ve gotten a business card twice; once from a very nice man who asked for my number when i was out of town visiting my sister i told him i lived too far away and told him thank you for the complinent of asking)and he gave it to me just in case I changed my mind. The other was a guy when I was out with a girlfriend who gave me his card and told me to fax him there and he’d tell me when he was back in town at his condo. It felt like he was implying I should pursue him.  I was to fax him at his business?!?  Maybe I am being too cynical, undoubtedly the way these guys communicated was “ineffective”, I’m just having a problem with the idea that a 50-60 year old (my age) guy couldn’t genuinely follow up with me since he showed interest. I’ve had a few memorable jerks from online dating but most guys were considerate, kind and sweet and it was greatly appreciated by me and met with kindness and in a quick manner by me personally. A little effort goes a very long way with most ladies and reciprocated.

        2. John

          Caroline

          Thanks for sharing your experiences. They do make us who we are until we forgive those who hurt us. I think they key phrase in Lynn’s letter is that she doesn’t want to waste time with the wrong man. You can’t know if he is the wrong or right guy if you bring all your baggage from the past. That baggage clouds Lynn’s discernment. That is usually why we repeat the same mistakes as humans. Lynn’s ideology is “I don’t want to waste my time.” It would be smart for her to be open and willing to meeting a guy and if your so busy that finding a man has to treated with great efficiency, then maybe it would be wise for her to change her strategy. I think she is afraid of being  hurt. It’s like playing all defense and no offense. I tell women friends of mine to give a guy a chance. We are not,by nature great communicators. We can be clueless about details. There is a trend in dating in our culture where the strategy is to eliminate people as fast as possible because we all lead busy lives and we don’t want to waste time. This isn’t how finding love works. Maybe finding a job, but not love. Quick judgements about petty things are indicative of a fear of being hurt.

        3. Caroline

          Thanks for your thoughts John. I totally agree we are a product of our past. One can either choose an open, earnest and authentic path or remain mired in a stilted belief system. And since this is a blog/products for women; we ladies are the target audience and we are here to choose a path. Change is most possible within oneself;)

          once again I must reiterate that her “ineffective” interaction didnt happen in a vacuum.  While I absolutely believe in owning my faults-this is a lesson for both genders to realize how we all interact affects the outcome. If the initial interaction was more upfront and genuine where, in this case, he took the lead in earnest where he said “I’d love to see you again, maybe we could exchange numbers and set something up?”. Why don’t I shoot you a text later this evening to see if it’s doable? It’s really a matter of getting what you give. If you go into your boss or coworker and lay out and idea you’d like to implement but then you tell your boss or coworker to “get back with me on that”-how’d you think that would go over?! Umm-to he** with it-ha. Sure, ladies should give a guy a break but it’s a two way street.

  18. 18
    Just Saying

    Why all the angst ? There are a million reasons why he didn’t text her back

    His mother died, he lost his phone, he died, he simply lost interest, he is married and couldn’t get away from wifey. This is the nature of online or modern dating. We over analyse things.

    1. 18.1
      Emily, the original

      Just Saying,

      There are a million reasons why he didn’t text her back. His mother died, he lost his phone, he died, he simply lost interest, he is married and couldn’t get away from wifey. This is the nature of online or modern dating. We over analyze things.

      THIS. And she can never get inside someone his head and know exactly what he is thinking. NEXT!

  19. 19
    sophia

    Pardon me for quoting the following:

    Don’t Complicate Life.

    Missing somebody?                  Call
    Wanna meet up?                    Invite
    Wanna be understood?       Explain
    Have questions?                       Ask
    Don’t like something?           Say so
    Like something?                   Say so
    Want something?                      Ask
    Love someone?               Tell them!

  20. 20
    Rabbi Hillel

    For what it’s worth, Evan, you’re also quoting Rabbi Hillel: “What is hateful to yourself, do not do to your fellow man. That is the whole Torah; the rest is just commentary. Go and study it.” (Talmud Shabbat 31a).

    1. 20.1
      Caroline

      John-I apologize for playing devil’s advocate with you. I do agree with you. I was just trying to see if the 10 guys who commented on here could see their part in the interaction. There were 16 other commenters on here who I know are women and two I couldn’t tell so I assumed they were women (10 out of 18-more than 50% men). It’s kinda funny 2 guys said he was a “playyah”-haha. Thanks for the well wishes; I haven’t  had much problems the initial dating stuff-I’m here to learn more about the relationship dynamic. I think my “picker” may be off! Anyways, best of luck:)

      1. 20.1.1
        Caroline

        Sorry-I didn’t word Thst well-it’s not like the guys here personally had the interaction. I just meant first impressions are important. Most of us make up our minds pretty quickly and we ladies should open the door wider;)

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