Are Height Requirements Still Keeping You From Finding Love?
In the annals of “things that definitely don’t matter when you’re 70”, nothing is more irrelevant to marital happiness than height.
Money matters. If one partner is chronically unemployed or in debt, relations can get strained.
Intelligence matters. If your partner can’t understand what you’re talking about or lacks the maturity to try, he’s a waste of time.
Weight matters. If someone is morbidly obese, he’s probably not making it to age 70.
(By the way, ladies, this does NOT mean he has to be taller, smarter or fitter than you. He just can’t be poor, stupid and fat. Got it?)
Nothing is more irrelevant to marital happiness than height.
But one thing that I’ve never really gotten – after 10 years as a dating coach – was women’s obsession with height. And it’s not a myth. It’s real. An article on Jezebel discusses a report from the Atlantic that illustrates that the average height differential between 4600 married American couples was six inches and that the wife was taller in 3.8% of couples. However, “when the author randomized the information as well to see what would come up by chance, he found something surprising: left to chance, the wives were taller in 7.8 percent of couples— twice as many as before. Meaning, people are choosing to maintain this six inches of difference by going out of their way to pair up according to this distinction.”
This is a rigid and arbitrary preference – most noteworthy, to me, in short and tall women.
With short women, EVERYBODY’s taller. So, if you’re 5’1″, what difference does it make if he’s 5’7″ or 6’1″? Yet some short women discriminate against average sized (5’7-5’11”) men.
On the other hand, with tall women, since only 15% of men are over 6 feet tall, it would stand to reason that a 5’11” woman would be well served to open up to shorter men, instead of insisting that he has to be 6’3′, because that’s how tall she is in heels. There simply aren’t enough 6’3″ men to go around, and if you restrict yourself to them, you’re killing your chances of finding love – for pretty much no reason.
It would be like a male millionaire holding out for a female millionaire who makes more than he does. Is it possible? Yes. Likely? No. Necessary? Definitely not.
The author of the Jezebel piece is 5’11” and had a very healthy and refreshing take on height:
I never felt I was making some kind of concession by dating men shorter than me — I just dated people I was attracted to. But since most men are shorter than I am, had I eliminated them on the basis of shortness, I’d have been sitting out all those dances I never actually went to. In order to find a guy six inches taller, I’d have to find a guy who was 6’5.
She ended up marrying a guy a few inches shorter than her. Good for her.
And if this bugs you and you think you should be holding out for a tall guy, that’s your business. Just keep in mind that your current height criteria cuts your potential mates drastically – and that’s before we talk about age, ethnicity, education, income, personality, religion, emotional intelligence, values, kindness, consistency, attraction to you and desire to be married. He’s gotta have all of those things, plus be in the 15% of men who are six feet tall? Good luck with that.
Please read the article here and share your thoughts below.
I totally agree! I’m 5’9″. During my last round of dating, I took Evan’s advice and set the height cutoff at 5’8″ instead of 6’0″ like I’d previously used to. It increased my dating pool dramatically, so I no longer felt like I had to go on dates with borderline douchebags just because they’re tall enough. Let me tell you, there are a lot of really amazing men on this side of six feet. I will however add that, if you say you’re looking for 5’8″, you will get responses from guys who say they’re 5’7″, and are actually 5’6″. But, as long as they’re cool with the height difference, and have good partner qualities, so what? As long as the man isn’t intimidated by my 6’2″ and 6’3″ children, I’m fine with the arrangement.
That is true I would love to date someone 6 foot two or six foot three and I am only 5 foot seven.
You are awesome. Clone yourself please. 😉
Great article – but I think you and the data you referenced are eliminating a very big portion of the equation – men who won’t date taller women.
As much as women discriminate because of height, men do the same thing, my own man (and several male friends) included. I’ve heard many men state that a woman taller than them would be a turn off so in the instances above where the woman are only taller in a small percentage, that could be as a result of the woman’s choice, the man’s choice, or both.
All of that being said, I agree the height discrimination is a petty one. One I used to hold to. At 5’4, I’m shorter than most, but preferred a guy at least 3 inches taller than I. Had I stuck to that criteria when I met my boyfriend, I would’ve walked away from the greatest thing to happen to me. Looking back, I’m so glad I didn’t stick to some petty criteria that could’ve cost me some of the most amazing moments of my life thus far.
I think most men are willing to date taller women, however, most men are intimidated to ask out a taller woman because it’s widely understood or thought that they only want a taller man. I’m currently on a dating website and I find that the height and income criteria that almost every woman has keeps me from contacting them. I am 51, 5’8 3/4″, retired with a guaranteed annual take home income of 73k for the rest of my life, I’m fit, have a bachelors and I’m debt free. Most are looking for somebody who is at least 5’11” and makes at least 100k. What I find funny is that they claim to be make only 30k-50k. When I read criteria such as that I don’t bother reaching out because I’m not what they’re looking for.
That wouldn’t bother me unless it bothered him. I am 5’9″ and have been told by dates,”Wow, you’re taller than I thought you’d be.” To a woman, this is a definate rejection comment. I’m slender, so tall looks tall, but it’s mostly legs, so…anyway, you sound like a good catch. Consider the other a “golddigger/snob filter.
Exactly. On dating sites, many women (even very short ones) demand upfront that their dates be tall (typically 5’10” or more). Very discouraging to us short guys, and leads me at least to assume I stand no chance with someone taller than I am (I’m 5’7″).
sure you are so right in this, every men want girls tall or taller than them self, it boost your confidence , and girls tall are so dam sexy too
I’ve never met a guy who refused to date a girl because she was “too tall”, there are a lot of people out there so I assume there must be some who feel this way but it still sounds very sill to hear.
I only date women under 5’7″ tall.
Reason, my hang up, not theirs.
I figure there are plenty of women shorter than myself.
Luke you’d be surprised! I’m a tall girl at 5’9 and I have been rejected by guys on Tinder for being taller than they are. Even if they comment positively on my appearance, we get along well or they admit to being attracted to me, they will still turn me down because for them the height difference is a major issue (I’m not too fussed about it). Sigh.
I’m 5’11 and most of the men who pursue me are shorter than me. The current guy chasing me is 5’5. I don’t care either. I’m color blind, height blind ect.. What matters to me 100% is personality.
Exactly, Iris. I don’t think any happily married 80 yr-old woman says, “Yeah, I’ve had a great 50 years with my husband because he’s… taller than I am.” Focus on the important traits that actually lead to a strong long-term relationshp: kindness, good communications, respect, fine character.
I love this comment Henriette. Just made my day. I’m just shy of 5’4 dating a man who is just shy of 5’8 and given that my previous mates were mostly upwards of 6 feet (some as tall as 6’6/6’7) I have all these hang ups about how my boyfriend needs a foot stool to get to the top shelf in the kitchen and how we are eye to eye when I wear heels… Mostly it’s honestly the attitudes of other women that really get me down… To date I’ve had at least four people mention his height to me and how they only date men over 5’11. (And that’s why they’re still single …) and then I remember how wonderful my partner is – he cooks, he cleans, he’s generous and always thinks of me before himself, he’s got a good sense of humour, he’s fit and takes care of himself and he enjoys the outdoors as much as I do…we share the same passions and have the same life goals… These are the things that matter. Not whether he needs a stool to get to the infrequently used plates.
Hi Iris,
I’m 6’o ft and a guy that is interested in me is 5’5. He says it doesn’t bother him the height difference so we’ll see.
Mary,
The way you word your response is like you’re going to be real scrutinizing of the guy. Cut him a lot of slack. It DOES bother him but he’s demonstrated the guts to go for it. Right there is a quality of substance worth way more than the height to which superficial people give so much gravity.
Nothing fades more over time than the initial emphasis placed on height at the onset. In fact, once it hits the contempt stage, there’s just that more to hold in disdain in a tall dude – especially a real tall, gangling one you thought was so cool at the beginning – who’s ass the shorter dude may be able to kick, anyway.
Give this 5’5 dude every chance and the benefit of every doubt. It may be some other girl that ends up taking HIM from YOU. Remember that.
Good idea. Only about 30% men are 5’11 or taller. Heights like 6’2 are much less common than people think.
@John
That calculator is off by several percentage points. It makes 5’10” look like 50th percentile for height, but it is not. According the CDC, the 50th percentile for height is 5’9″ (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/body-measurements.htm). I trust the CDC because their height measurements are taken in stocking feet by medical providers. Self-reported heights are almost always inflated or taken in shoes (most athletes are measured in shoes). The average male dress or athletic shoe adds an inch to man’s height. A barefoot height of 5’11” is closer to the 75th percentile for male height (1 in 4 men are at least 5’11”).
Exactly. Men definitely discriminate taller women and get intimidated, but shouldn’t.
I don’t know about all men, but every woman I’ve ever dated or asked out has been taller than me. But at 5’2″, most women are taller than me, so I can’t afford to rule out taller women.
I don’t get intimidated by their height, but sometimes the way they brush me off can be pretty discouraging.
It doesn’t matter to most of them that I’m well traveled, speak several languages, play musical instruments and have several hobbies such as archery and writing. I’m not in perfect shape, but I have lost weight and continue to improve my physical well-being. But women are generally pleasant to me and I don’t begrudge them their choices.
I’ll just do what I’ve always done and keep trying and keep working on myself.
I should just add that, when I say I don’t rule out taller women, I really mean I don’t rule any of them out based on height.
If I find a woman reasonably attractive, I will try to start a conversation. I have dated or at least flirted with women ranging from 5’0″ to 6’4″. I don’t automatically go for women closer to my own height, though I suppose I’ve probably had better luck with them.
It’s usually the tall men that don’t date taller women. That is an important fact that was conveniently left out. Short men can’t afford to discriminate on height. Short women usually want nothing to do with them. Their chances are actually better with taller women. Now the chances are still not good but it’s a lot better than with short women who many have a bizarre hatred toward short men.
I totally agree. I had a few men i was a match with on a dating site actually say I was too tall so, no thanks. I’m 5’9″ so 6′ in heels. Both guys were 5’10. So I think both women AND men are guilty. For me, I don’t care. It’s who I’m attracted to. I’ve dated guys who were 5’3″ and 5’8″. The man I’m currently seeing is 6’2″. Perfect 🙂
The men that rejected you did so because of the many times women shorter than you rejected them.
@Goldie – You said you lowered your height requirement – why do you have one at all? Does it really matter?
So you don’t have any requirements for women?
I have requirements. And most women don’t meet them. The good guys who barely meet your height requirement will not even give you a chance as they are insulted and know that every taller guy will mean more to you then he. And height is so obvious that the taller guys don’t need to do anything to nudge a shorter man out of your heart. So be sure to include this requirement so men can understand what they will be subjected to.
Lynn, I do. I’m 22, I won’t touch a cigarette smoker, a woman my age with a child, HOLY YUCK!!!!, or a woman who is obese.
And for having a requirement that a woman not be obese or smoke, you will be labelled as being shallow, whereas it’s ok for women have requirements that cannot be changed and are entirely out of anyone’s ability to change…
Vanessa #2
I agree. At 5’8″, I’m on the tall side for a woman, but not exactly a giantess. Yet I’ve met men who were over 6 feet tall who thought I was too tall for them, and would actually remark on my height. And those were just the ones who commented; I’m sure there were others who felt that way, but kept it to themselves. OTOH, I’ve dated shorter men who didn’t care a bit. While someone more than a couple of inches shorter probably wouldn’t work for me (I don’t want to feel too big), I try to focus on the the type of person he is before anything else.
OMG, this is called a “disqualifier”. These tall men were disqualifying themselves to you to make you chase them more. Do you not see this?
Some other guy – what can I say, I’m only human. I’m not yet at that point where I’m okay being out with a guy 8-9 inches shorter than I am. Maybe next time. My current boyfriend is 5’10”.
GOLDIE:
Yeah, youre only a woman who discriminates. I would classify that as sub-human.
Imagine if 99.9% of men said, “sorry, i refuse to date flat-chested women. And BLACK women?! Yeah right!!”
Does that not sound outrageous? Yet that is what women do, and they try over and over to justify this despicable behavior when it would just be easier to admit they’re simply pieces of shit.
Qver – You’re pretty much right. Not all, but many women think its just fine to treat a man they don’t find attractive like scum – and this is absolutely detestable. This applies to their height “preference” also, which is among the things for which these types of sickeningly shallow women will do this. This again, however, is not all women.
If a man does the same thing to a woman the frickin’ world is supposed to ignite in outrage – it is a NAUSEATING double-standard.
They can tell a guy he’s too short and not give a damn about his feelings. But, if a MAN were to tell a girl that her BIG FAT ASS is a turn-off – well, he needs to be frickin’ EXECUTED. How dare a man hurt the feelings of a woman who doesn’t give a DAMN about his OWN feelings.
Same goes for if a man were to tell her she’s not pretty enough or that she’s too flat-chested – that guy should be condemned, right?. But a callous woman is supposed to be able to mouth-off all she wants with impunity with no regard for the feelings of a man. It’s GARBAGE and every guy out there who’s not a groveling kiss-ass knows it!
I’ve always done well with women but I’ve seen many of them engage in this type of conduct toward other guys. I usually held my tongue simply because I wanted to USE the contemptible woman who did it for sex.
And this whole ” want to feel protected” thing is also just shallow nonsense. I’ve never been in a fight with a taller dude with whom I didn’t pave the frickin’ parking lot or lay-out on the canvas.
This does not apply to all women – but to the ones it does – and we all know what I’m talking about – they really are sickening and worthy of contempt.
And in terms of you’re response to Goldie – yeah, its strongly worded, but I see exactly what you mean. Nobody SAID she’s supposed to date a guy EIGHT or NINE inches shorter than herself. What a phony, disingenuous thing for her to post. How’d her height “requirements” work out for HER?
And another thing that really gets me is these women who supposedly so commendably have relaxed their standards – as if they’re all God’s gift to dudes and we should all be so GRATEFULL – that what may very well be some self-important, fat-ass, semi-ugly woman has taken precious mercy on men – what garbage – (not referring to any one specific woman, just this kind of woman in general).
Then, a lot of them dump the tall dude eventually anyway because the WAY overrated initial importance they attach to something as shallow as how high a guy’s head happens to stick up in the air simply can’t stand the test of time or real life. Or, they stay with a tall guy they can no longer stand because their looks have faded and they’re terrified they can’t find anybody else at that point. Then it becomes time for guys to treat them like the trash they used to treat men who didn’t stand up to their “requirements”. Hope they enjoy it.
Again, this does not apply to all women. There are good and decent non-shallow women of substance out there. But it sure as hell applies to a good number of them.
This comment gives me warm fuzzy feelings.
Wow as a 5’6” totally jected man, but early 40s, well-educated, good job and a 100% fit, it SSSSOOOOOOOO good to ear, thanks.
I love this. Though I am a black pretty n confident young lady
Vanessa said: (#2)
“I think you and the data you referenced are eliminating a very big portion of the equation – men who won’t date taller women.”
They’re irrelevant.
Your available dating pool is made up of the men who want to date you. No matter how much you change your attitude, that number of men is fixed.
Let’s say there are 150 single men in your extended social circle. Let’s say that 80% of them are interested in dating you (30 men). They’re interested in dating you exactly the way you are: 5’4″, your height, your weight.
No matter how you change your attitude, the other 120 still won’t want to date you.
But now the second part of the equation comes into play. How many of those 30 men are you interested in dating? How many do you think are too old, too young, too fat, too skinny, too short, too ugly … or whatever other criteria you choose to use.
Depending on what criteria you choose, that group of 30 men could get whittled down to 25, 10, 5, 3, 1 or none. If you’re 5’4″ and holding out for a man who is at least 5’7″, you’ve eliminated several men out of the 30 (the exact number depends on how much your height mattered to the men). Then you start cutting out men because of age, obesity, attractiveness, employment/income, etc. …
Height is a stupid reason to eliminate someone. It doesn’t matter how few people you’re eliminating. If I ruled out women who were taller than me, I’d be ruling out less than 1% of all women. And it would still be a stupid and self-defeating reason to eliminate women. (In comparison, you were eliminating 19% of all men, by seeking men at least 3″ taller than you.)
Karl R #6 – I understand what you’re trying to point out but was making the statement more to the point that men are cutting their dating pool just as much as women are cutting there’s by discriminating against height.
For example, that 30 men you mentioned may have been higher, had men within that group not discriminated against me because I was their height, too short, or too tall for them.
The article noted the height difference but my point was simply that it didn’t show if the height difference was a coincidence, or something consciously (or subconsciously) done by the man or woman in the pairing. In other words, I’ve seen just as many men discriminate due to height as I’ve seen women. Do I think it’s right, no, but it does occur.
80% of 150 is 120 not 30
Dating taller men boils down to physical attraction. I’m 5’9″ & didn’t date shorter men or even men my own height. Men normally don’t date women that they don’t find attractive either based on height, weight, hair color, boob size, eye shape, etc, etc. Height is just one of numerous physical attributes that determine physical attraction. If you’re a tall (or short) woman & don’t want to date shorter men, don’t. Who cares if it shrinks your dating pool. The article basically says change what you’re attracted to & that isn’t realistic. I’m married to a tall, dark & handsome man. 🙂 And he’s about the shortest man I dated at 6’1″.
The thing is, there’s no textbox which asks you to fill up your breast size or your eye shape. Thats just insulting.
Also, don’t compare height with weight just because they have almost the same spelling. Weight can be changed. Height can’t. If you want a guy who likes fit women, you can work out. If I want a guy who likes tall men, I can only go home and cry into my pillow.
I’d give you a chance. I don’t mind shorter men at all.
There is a surgery that you can get to increase height. I got 2 surgeries to increase my overall height 5 inches to 6foot1. Im currently involved with a beautiful woman 5foot7 that probably would have not given me the time of day back when I was 5foot8. So do I believe height is important in finding a mate, yes, however its not the only thing. I seen short men with money get more dates then tall bums.
How safe is this surgery ?
I do feel for guys who are passed over because of height, but I can’t see taking surgical risks for this. I see many short men that are paired up, so obviously finding a partner when a man is short is not impossible. (all my LTR’s have been with men in the 5’6″ to 5’7″ range, but I’m not tall and gorgeous, but about average height and more “averagely cute” rather than drop dead gorgeous)
I, and other flat chested women have probably been passed over by men due to our cup size. I don’t begrudge men this preference, as we are attracted to what we are attracted to, and no amount of scolding, shaming, or cajoling is going to change what anyone is attracted to. My own mother suggested that I get breast enlargement surgery and even offered to pay for it but I refused. Partly because I would rather a man love my surgically unaltered self, but mostly, because I avoid medical interventions whenever I can. Surgery carries risks. I can’t imagine the height enhancing surgery being risk-free. I’m glad you found someone and I hope you surgery doesn’t cause any medical issues down later on.
Well well well, I might have just found the perfect thing as I have plenty of money for operations! Thanks for the post. Where does one get this type of surgery? I’m 5’10” so if I could get a surgery just another few inches I’ll probably be able to finally have a family and prevent my wife from divorcing me.
Cat,
I’m with you on this one. Physical attraction is not a choice based on social norms. It’s deeply programmed into our biology. At 5’7″ I prefer a man at least 5’10”, so when I do wear a bit of heel I am not towering over him. A taller man makes me feel more feminine. It is just one trait, but for me one of the only traits I consistently find matters to me. Thanks for speaking up. I think the author of the blog should throw out one of his attraction preferences and go on dates with women he is NOT attracted to. Then he can convince himself with logic to override his own preferences. Attraction is attraction. It’s that simple.
Sarah,
I hate to say it but you’re wrong. Physical attraction is 100% based on social constructs and not “programmed into our biology”. for instance, 500 years ago, the pinnacle of female attractiveness was fat. the fatter, the better. It denoted a wealthy and healthy upbringing.
Across the world, especially in remote cultures, there are very specific traits which we would not even consider for attractiveness (lip plates, foot binding, excessively long hair for a man, etc).
It seems that you, like so many of your misled brethren, have bought into the “Tall, Dark, and Handsome” Steriotype and insist that if you were to find love, it could only be with someone who is 6’0 or taller.
Except. only 15% of us are. so when you cry yourself to sleep on a saturday night because for the upteenth time that guy who took you out turned out to be an asshole, consider this…
Tall guys are really the only guys that girls pursue, whereas the other 85% of guys never get pursued by women. Now if 100% of guys pursue women, do you think the methods of the 15% would be different than the 85%? You would be right. the 15% don’t care about you, because they can have another 5’4″ girl chasing after them tomorrow. So hell be nice, act nice, take you nice places, and you’ll sleep with them, and then Poof! hes gone. or… he stays for a while you date, but in the end you break up because (whatever reason) but it probably had something to do with him detaching, being more aloof, and maybe even as bad as cheating. In the end, when you chase after the 15% that don’t appreciate how amazing it is to find someone to spend your life with, your setting yourself up for failure.
SO. Maybe on your next date, give the 5’6 or 5’8″ guy a chance. I bet you anything hell be more attentive, more attracted, and more interested in actually pursuing a relationship with you.
“I hate to say it but you’re wrong. Physical attraction is 100% based on social constructs and not “programmed into our biology”
Careful. Those are fighting words in these parts.
Ray,
Wow, you sounds really bitter and angry. Also, you imply that every man 6′ tall is an asshole because he is pursued by all the women. I guess this means I better go tell both of my teenage sons who just rounded 6′ that they are on the brink of becoming assholes solely based on their height. And just to throw a wrench into your personal theory that it is all social programming. I was NOT born and raised in this country. How do you like them apples for your so solid theory that ZERO part of attraction is biology and it is all social programming?
Many of my girlfriends do not care about height. I do. And I did say taller than me. I did not say 6′. Per your definition I can find a few non assholes out there if I stick to the 5’10” – 5’11” LOL. Some of my girlfriends care about income. I don’t. I care about a man’s integrity and how he treats others including me. Of course you sound like a real catch. Attacking me for my personal preferences. Perhaps that is why rather than something with your lack of height?
I do not cry myself to sleep on Saturday nights LOL. Or any other night for that matter. Sure at times I am sad in life, but it isn’t because I go on bad dates or cry over being single. My happiness does not depend on being in a relationship or out of one. Watch out when someone’s happiness is tied to that. You cannot go from loneliness to feeling complete just because you feel in love. And who wants to be on the receiving end of that kind of pressure? I could of course compromise on what I find attractive, which I recognize lots of people do because they would rather be in a relationship than be alone.
There is tons and tons of research tying attraction to subconscious preferences for both human sexes, animals, etc. To say that 100% of our preferences is tied to media is just plain nonsense. Please post your solid research backing up this claim as I would love to read it. And could you also post the research that shows men 6′ and taller are all assholes please, so I can share it with my sons? Thanks.
And I am currently in a very happy relationship with a man who is TALLER than me. He read your post and said, “Wow there’s an angry dude.” Then he chuckled and said, “Thank god I am only 5’11”. I missed asshole by an inch!.”
Ray – It is not only tall guys that women pursue in the real world. If, by tall, you mean 6′ and above – Brad Pitt is 5’11. I think he’s had his share of women pursuing him. Robert Downy Jr. is 5’8. Do you think he hurts for action? Robert Redford, Paul Newmann, Marlon BRANDO – all 5’10. Do you think these guys were hurting for women? Yeah, they were movie stars but there are plenty of guys walking the street just as good looking and just as average height as these guys that get girls all the time.
Not to be offensive, but you seem way too obsessed with the importance of height. If a 6′ plus guy is scrawny and ugly, do you think a woman wants him more than a built, handsome guy who’s 5’8-5’11 (the average height range for American men)? Use common sense, man. And forget the, “well, yeah, but all other things being equal,” argument. All other things are NEVER equal in real life.
And something else – if a guy is REAL tall, like 6’5 or above – he has a BETTER chance of eventually being blown-off by a woman in the long run. Why – because the WAY overblown importance given to his height at the onset can never stand the test of time and REAL life. His initial height “advantage” wears off if the relationship lasts any length of time. Then, she blows him off, thinks he’s and asshole and his height no longer means a damn thing to her. Its called REAL life.
And one other important thing – you said for the woman to next time give the guy “5’6 or 5’8” a chance. There is a WORLD of difference between 5’6 and 5’8. At 5’8, you’re in the average height range and then you can depend on your other attributes – like being handsome or well built or charismatic etc. At 5’6, you’re in the short category for sure and many women won’t even consider your other attributes. Its stupid. Its irrational. But many shallow women will dismiss you out of hand if you’re short as compared to average height. Fortunately, there are many women who are not that shallow.
And remember this – handsome beats height every time. If you’re way better looking than a tall guy it erases his height “advantage” unless you’re REALLY short. Strength beats height every time, too. If you destroy a tall guy at arm wrestling in front of the woman his height “advantage” just went out the window. You just humiliated the guy. Height means nothing at that point.
Women want what they THINK they want until they realize they want YOU – a strong, confident, charismatic man that doesn’t think twice about standing up to some tall dude who thinks he’s great. Most tall guys get by on height until their bluff gets called and then they get their ass kicked by an average height guy who can really handle himself.
If a guy is 6 foot whatever and there’s nothing else very special about him, he doesn’t just have another “5’4 girl chasing him tomorrow”. In fact, he may have just had the PREVIOUS girl taken by a built, handsome, confident average-height guy.
You’re putting way too much emphasis on height, man. Its way overrated.
Sarah,
You totally missed Ray’s point by picking on a blanket statement to prove him wrong – like liberals do. The blanket statement was meant to reveal a high probability, NOT all cases. Yes, your sons will sleep with many women (because they can) and many of those women will call them a-holes. Your lover will always agree with you, as part of getting something for nothing. We all do
Billy – You’re absolutely right. She is ridiculous and she has no right to put Ray down like she did. The fact is that social constructs have a HELL of a lot to do with our thinking and reaction patterns. If shorter guys had been glorified in the media and on TV for the past fifty years then a lot of these pathetically shallow and insulant women would be seeking them out.
Like every condescending, self-entitled “modern” woman she makes it all about her. Who CARES about whether she cries herself to sleep at night? Who CARES about her sons being 6′? Who CARES about what her “boyfriend” thinks? Who CARES about what he “chuckled” and said? In fact, it sounds to me like he didn’t miss asshole at all.
Her post was an arrogant and sickening put-down of a guy just for expressing his honest opinion.
And NOBODY said every guy 6′ or over is an asshole. Only the ones that ACT like assholes are. Plenty of built and handsome guys under 6′ get all the action they want. And this stupid “height makes me feel protected” thing – NEWSFLASH – there are plenty of shorter guys out there who can kick the HELL out of taller ones. I’m 5’9. I used to fight in the ring. I was undefeated in the ring. I have beaten the hell out of every tall guy that ever messed with me on the street. Many of them in front of their girlfriends whom I then took home and slept with after humiliating the loud-mouth in the parking lot. She didn’t feel too protected by him after that. I include this to illustrate my next point –
Height is WAY overrated and the initial importance attached to it at the onset never measures up to the test of time. Plenty of tall guys get blown-off by women, their height no longer meaning a damn thing. And, as soon as she sees him get his ass kicked by a shorter guy he’s toast. Height has VERY little to do with physical prowess or a man’s ability to protect a woman.
I’m so fricking tired of men having to PC everything they say and think – when many women just ASSUME that they can be as arrogant and nasty and condescending as they please.
Ray had every right to express his opinion and did not deserve to be attacked and insulted for it.
Never in my life have I had a list of qualifying attributes that I’ve considered before I dated someone. I’m 5’6″ tall, and the love of my life (I thought) was about 5’8″ tall. She was very skinny (which didn’t matter to me… stout or skinny) and she had very small breasts and a little butt… however, after getting to know her, I was absolutely in love with her, and I loved everything about her body too. Everything about her was a major turn-on for me.
When you fall in love with someone, you should love all of their physical features too. I could honestly care less about height, breast size, butt size, or any other physical features. I have no dating criteria, I’m simply attracted to girls on a case-by-case basis; no specific qualifiers. When there’s chemistry of the heart, mind, and body – nothing else matters. There are beautiful people everywhere. Attraction is simply a matter of personality and the heart. (However there has to be a slight physical attraction.) If you love her/him, you will fall in love with everything about them.
It breaks my heart when a girl thinks she needs to have breast augmentation or implant surgery. She is perfect exactly the way she is. If a man turns you down because of something like that, he is NOT worth a single second of your time. Period.
When my girlfriend said she wanted implants, I literally started crying. I explained to her that I loved EVERYTHING about her, and that included her natural breasts. She was so perfect exactly the way she was. Not to be inappropriate, but I was insanely turned on by everything about her natural body. To me, she was a goddess, and our sex life was so perfect. I was in heaven when we were together. (I thought every aspect of our relationship was perfect.)
My point is, how can ANYONE have specific criteria regarding the physical traits of their potential mate? That’s totally myopic thinking, and you’re hurting your own chances of finding the person who will fulfill your life.
Unfortunately, our relationship didn’t last, because she left me for a man nearly 10″ taller than me. She finally admitted to me that she wasn’t comfortable with our height difference, and she didn’t feel comfortable wearing heels around me. I don’t know if she ever really loved me, but I certainly loved her.
It’s difficult to get a date when you’re my height (5’6″). I’m confident, happy, in shape, and kind. Now that I’m 36 years old, I couldn’t get a date to save my life. I get turned down by literally every girl I show interest in, and some have simply told me that I’m too short. I’m afraid of growing old alone. I really need someone to share my love with.
Sometimes I wonder if any women will date a guy my height. It’s been three years since I’ve dated. I recently built up the courage to ask a girl I recently met if she would like to go out sometime for drinks with friends, but she said that she is looking for a tall guy because she wants tall kids in the future. I was kind of blown away that she would even mention my height… or kids for that matter.
Ladies, there are a lot of “short” guys who are good people, confident in their position in life, and very passionate lovers who would love you for the rest of your life.
Please, open up your options and don’t pass up an opportunity to date a guy who is shorter than you’re used to. You could find the love of your life.
Justin,
You’re problem arises because you are a genuinely decent man. The kinds of women who disregard guys like you in favor of shallow (and in the long run meaningless) height issues are superficial and largely indecent and phony women. You can bet that the thing between your girl and the new guy will invariably end. She made the sickeningly shallow choice to leave you for him and it will almost certainly backfire in time. There are probably already cracks starting to emerge between them.
There are good women out there but he ones that are callous and shallow are nothing short of detestable – not to mention just plain stupid. You can’t tell them that at the time they pull their hollow, shallow, callous bullshit but the chickens will almost certainly come home to roost on them at some point.
When she tries to come back – refuse to even speak to her. What she did to a good and decent man like you is despicable.
1. I’m 5’3″ and boy is online dating discouraging! I’d love to be 5’6″ like Justin, as this would “qualify” me for many more women. I don’t care how tall a woman is, but being slender to average is my benchmark. And of course their interests and lifestyle. I get about a 5% return on my messaging and that includes those who politely decline! I message those even of they require someone who is taller, but I have never received an interested response from any of these. If they’re above 5’7″, I don’t bother because of the low probability, which I’d estimate would be .1% response rate.
You’re lucky you found a man who likes you at your height and attitude. 5’9 is so unattractive on a woman, unless you have the face and body of a model. And let’s be real: most taller women don’t look like models. 😉
Good article. Im at least 6 foot when Im out in heels so Im visibly aware of the smaller pool of tall men.!! Im always astounded when short women say they won’t date anyone under 6 foot but I think tall men are afforded an unconscious elevation of status , just for being tall.
I did have a lover who was 5 foot 6″ but he was an extremely confident guy who insisted I wear sexy high heels. You should have seen us dancing with his head at my chest and all the attention we would get LOL
Think this is a great point Evan so I lowered my height range today.
@ cat #8: “Who cares if it shrinks your dating pool. The article basically says change what you’re attracted to & that isn’t realistic.”
It doesn’t just shrink your dating pool. It rules out a large number of quality men, that you would’ve enjoyed dating if you knew they existed. But you won’t, because they failed to meet the height requirement. This is the one downside of online dating. We’ve all met guys in real life who have so much personality and charisma, we don’t even notice how tall they are. They could be an inch or two shorter and we’d go out with them anyway, without paying attention to their height. Online though, we’ll never even get to meet them, because they won’t get through our filter. From where I stand, it looks like we’re the ones that are missing out.
I was married to a 6″ man, look where it got me 🙂
His being tall is not the reason your relashionship ended. Relationships end with short and average height (5’10) men too.
maybe you need closer to 10″ to be satisfied completely.
Vanessa, you’re still kind of missing the point. Evan is here not to point out the ways men can change their dating perspectives to find love–he’s here to point out how women can change their dating perspectives to find love.
The same could be said for men. If men could change their perspective on what they find most attractive, and give a chance to other women, then men could also find love more easily.
It is not a fair point just to ask one gender to lower their requirements. I don’t see any articles about asking men to lower theirs.
The difference is, men have preferences, women have requirements. I would never insist that a women be 3″ or more shorter than me even if I were 6’4″, because it’s lunacy and cruel (I’m actually 5’10). I might *prefer* that to be true… but requirements aren’t something most men get to even consider.
Women essentially monopolize sexual selection. They can go out at any time and find someone interested in them, if they’re so much as average. For men this isn’t really true – women consistently go for the top 20% of men and largely ignore the rest (and of this 20%, height is a big factor). So there’s this huge differential between men and women’s expectations. The short of it is that women are spoilt for choice and, just spoilt in general.
So true.
Lynn,
There have been plenty of exchanges here, where that’s been suggested to men. In fact, I’ve seen references to several studies which suggest that men (as a group) are actually more willing to compromise on attraction preferences than women (as a group) are. Most of us, at least those who are not in the top 10% looks-wise, find we have to; if the only women we reached out to were 9s and 10s, we’d never get a date. Of course, that compromise isn’t unlimited; we do have a bottom threshold, below which all the personality in the world is not going to attract us. That threshold is lower than you might think for many of us, but of course, that’s not going to help the woman who’s far below average in appearance.
Maybe it’s because men don’t have such unrealistic, superficial standards. Growing up, I heard that men were the more superficial sex, caring more about a woman’s physical attributes than her personality when it came to what was considered attractive. In reality, I’ve experienced and witnessed the exact opposite — women establish superficial qualifications for the men they’re willing to date while men have very few deal breakers in terms of physical features. I’ve NEVER heard a man say that he wouldn’t date a woman because her breasts were too small, her hips to narrow or too wide, or any of the other physical traits that WOMEN obsess over. The fact is that men are much more forgiving than women are when it comes to superficial qualities they seek in a mate.
Ray,
I absolutely agree. What Lynn seems to be missing is that most men DO give “other” women a chance. But, the segment of superficial, height-requirement women ridiculously draw the line at a certain height. This is not all women. But, it certainly is some of them.
Think of how stupid this is when you analyze it. Suppose a woman won’t accept a man under six feet tall. So then some ugly, scrawny 6 footer comes along. Then, along comes Brad Pitt at 5’11” – or someone like Robert Redford or Paul Newman at 5’10”. See how stupid these requirements are? Attraction is an overall package of which height is only a part.
Many women ARE much more superficial than men. However, there are good women out there, also.
The one’s that place SO much emphasis on height are ridiculous. Think of it. When it comes to the things that really matter in a relationship, after a long enough time, the whole height attraction to someone will have worn off. It’s the attributes necessary to sustain a long-term relationship (heart, goodness, decency, loyalty etc.) that are the ones that need to endure.
Height isn’t a huge issue for me, but one thing that irritates me is men who don’t work out regularly. If I’m thin and work out five times a week, why do I have to settle for a flabby guy or a guy with no muscles? It’s not an instant disqualifier, but I’m aware of it. And even writing this makes me sound superficial, but I just want someone of roughly equal attractiveness and when girls say things like that they get slammed.
It is only fair to want a partner who stays in shape if you are in shape. That is what you deserve. I don’t see many men going around dating women in much worse shape than themselves.
You’re correct Lynn, you don’t see a lot of men dating women in much worse shape than them. However you do see a LOT of men MARRIED to women in much worse shape than them.
I see a lot more women married to men in worse shape than them, rather than the other way around.
Jenna,
You shouldn’t get slammed for saying that; it’s an attraction preference, and moreover, it’s one most people can meet, provided they do the necessary work. Of course, that point of view is not particularly popular among the overweight crowd, male or female. On this blog, a fit guy gets slammed for not wanting to date obese women; not just slightly overweight, mind you; obese, as in 40 or more pounds overweight. I’ve been slammed for that, as well as for my “intolerance” of women who deliberately lie about their obesity online. I’ve concluded that “shallow” is simply a word some people use as a weapon against anyone who dares not be attracted to someone like them.
“Shallow” is simply a word some people use as a weapon against anyone who dares not be attracted to someone like them.”
That’s a really good line.
For the last time….
No one cares that you don’t want to date overweight women. OK?
It does make you look like a jerk that you feel the need to constantly talk trash about them (just don’t date them and keep it moving, ya know?). But still, it’s your life.
Let it go Buck. Stop playing the martyr.
I should have wrote that no one is upset that you don’t want to date overweight women.
I am second that emotion. As a handsome, physically attractive man, I don’t want big and beautiful girls. I feel I deserve my equal or better in all aspects of the word. I don’t think we should compromise on the things that matter most to us. It is never wise to force attraction.
@ Goldie – it doesn’t really apply to me now since I’m married. But I was just stating that I did have a height requirement & I did find love.
I totally agree with this article. Some added height is nice, but it won’t attract me to a guy. The average male is 5’10”!! Why would I ask for someone over 6 feet tall?
I’m 5’6″, and I’ve dated guys from 5’2″ to 6’6″. I will admit that I would like a guy to be at least my height or around it, but I won’t shut out a guy if he doesn’t qualify for my height standards. Height has nothing to do with personality, which is far more important to me.
That being said, my boyfriend is 6 feet tall, but it honestly had very little to do with my attraction to him. He’s just an awesome person who happens to be tall. I’d feel the same about him if he were 5’4″. It really is inconsequential in the great scheme of things.
When I see couples where the man is shorter, woman taller, I think it shows confidence on the part of both people, they just don’t care about conformity. There is something very sexy about that. I am 5ft 6in, and have dated men who are 5ft 5in, all the way to about 6ft 3 in. Taller isn’t necessarily better, sometimes I feel slightly intimidated if a guy is too tall, like he’s looking down on the top of my head…not a good feeling. At the same time, no woman wants to be in bed with a guy who makes her feel like the incredible hulk. 5ft 5in or so is almost too short for me, though I’m fine with a guy who’s 5ft 8 or 9 in. There are plenty of women who are tiny, 5ft tall or shorter. A guy who is 5ft 5in is almost 6 inches taller than those women, so have at it I say!
There is a strong psychological element to this that the article doesn’t address: many women feel safer with a guy who is at least a little taller (2-3in) than them. I don’t think this is cultural, but more biological, evolutionary.
Thank you for finally saying it when no one else would. It’s biological evolution, but I also believe it satisfies a woman’s subconscious desire for social upward mobility (for her and her offspring), and is fueled by our societal concept of height being directly proportional to success/admiration.
This is only partially true. There is an innate component, but without going into a 10-page diatribe, I’ll just say that you’d be foolish to discount societal engineering.
-Shorter men are paid less.
-Shorter men are openly ridiculed in all forms of media.
-Shorter men have lower self-esteem and tend to do poorer in school, due to bullying.
Now, if you don’t think all of that doesn’t magnify the height prejudice of women in the dating world.. I don’t know what to say.
I’ve made an analogy many times before, and I think it still holds merit: Dating for short men in this age, is as tough as interracial dating for black men back in the 50s.
I agree with this comment 100%, I have by all traditional standards a very attractive symmetrical masculine male face, I lift weights and work out 4 times a week and still have the same waist size as I did in high school (I’m 34 year old now) but have added 30 pounds of muscle to my frame, I am a physician in a very coveted specialty, I am an accomplished guitarist and singer, I come from a great stable family and have a great relationship with my parents, and I am not introverted at all and been in elected to leadership positions in male groups my whole life..but I wear a scarlet letter..I am 5″6.
In the online world even if I list all of these qualities I am still invisible to most women. In the real world I approach girls to talk to them and many seem downright hostile with an attitude like “who is the creepy short guy, who does he think he is trying to talk to me” so I don’t even get a chance to show off my great qualities. Even when I go out with very short girls I still get the sense they feel like they are settling.
Its a cruel world for the short man in this day and age. I come from a long line of short men and they had success finding mates for generations upon generations..what I tend to see now is young girls chasing after and having sex with the select 18% of guys 6″ or taller in there prime fertile years and then expecting average height to below average height guys to be there to provide for them once they hit 30+ all the while still pinning for this “tall, dark, and handsome” its a sad world view, but from observations and personal experience in todays warped society it is not far off base.
Which is interesting since at 5’6 you’re still taller than most women.
Joe #11 – Again I understand that and agree with Evan that the idea of dating someone by height is ludicrous. My point was more in addressing where Evan stated, ‘But one thing that I’ve never really gotten – after 10 years as a dating coach – was women’s obsession with height.’ I was making a point of noting that although women may be ‘obsessed’ with height, men are just as likely to be obsessed by the height factor.
Men are not at all as obsessed about height as women are. There are plenty of guys who would love to date a taller woman–or a short woman–or just any woman. Guys are far more likely to be concerned about weight.
Men are not as obsessed about height because it is easy for them to find women shorter than them. A lot, although not necessarily all, of men want to feel taller and stronger than their girlfriends.
However, a lot of men are very much obsessed about women’s weights. My friend was dumped by her bf after she gained weight. There are so many forums and blogs about bashing overweight women, it’s sad and ridiculous.
yes but you cannot do anything to change your height but you can change your weight.
Please don’t compare a healthy fit man’s desire for a fit woman, with a tall women’s desire for a taller guy. Fitness is either a choice or a health concern; whereas height is neither a choice nor health related. But you can seek and settle for whatever you want. We all make choices and take our chances with relationships. You are free to measure a man in anyway you desire. Life is a pursuit.
Being a short guy (5’5″-5’6″), it’s not always easy to find a woman who’s shorter AND willing to date me. Most short guys I know don’t have a lot of dating options and so we really don’t care about height. Some might prefer to date a shorter female but most won’t have such strict height requirements. Personally I prefer tall women , but I’d never turn down a short one.
Weight is a totally different topic. I stay in shape and prefer the same in a partner.
@ Cat #13 – congratulations on your marriage. But I’m confused, why do you advise other people, who didn’t yet find love, not to give up on their height requirements, yet you do not give them any logical reasons why they shouldn’t? “I am married to a tall guy” is not a logical reason. What good it is to them that you are married to an awesome tall guy? it’s not like they can have him.
@Goldie#17…I’m saying you don’t have to lower your standards or try to change what you are naturally attracted to. If you’re a woman who is attracted to shorter men that’s great, if you’re a woman who is not attracted to shorter men, that’s great too. Don’t be ashamed of what you’re naturally attracted to. In the long run, if you’re trying to force yourself to be physically attracted to something you’re not naturally inclined to just because there is “more out there”, I think it may cause problems down the line in the relationship.
It’s a numbers thing. Saying you’re not attracted to overweight men is one thing–you can probably find an in-shape/not-so-overweight guy plus one woman’s “overweight” is another woman’s “average” or teddy bear–it’s subjective. Also, a man can lose weight. On the other hand, setting a hard limit like 6 feet automatically eliminates the majority of men from your dating pool, period. No 5’11” man is going to gain that last “crucial” inch–it’s not subjective. Some women can afford to be picky and some can not.
I am an exceptionally fit 5 ft 8 in male. I do not date overweight women. So that leaves 25% of the female population. If most don’t want a rich fit handsome well educated professional man, then I have no problem getting many other young attractive ladies. I also take women away from tall blue collar guys. Ladies want fit guys with a full head of hair and class. Tall guys provide the height requirement, but most fall short compared to my inventory of offerings. Too many women try to shoehorn 6 ft 2 in catches into their remaining checklist items, but find out that they really did settle based on height and forsaken most of their “real” requirements. Then he dumps her with kids for another blind height worshiper.
You forgot to mention how modest your are!!….
I like fit bald guys. Baldness indicates higher testosterone. And I think muscles with a shaved or bald head is very sexy. But every woman has her own taste. I do like fit men as I am thin and fit.
“I am 6’1 fit and I went through hell to maintain my fabio like mane , the biggest fear of mine was being bold”
Nothing wrong with being “bold” George – in fact women like a bit of bold, if it’s in a cheeky way 😉
“I always distrust and look down upon bald men, and I always sense their envy upon seeing my shoulder length mane. We men hate each other and always try to one up
This is such a bizarre statement.
I don’t hate other men; why would I? What have they done to me? Comparing yourself to other men is a classic sign of insecurity, which is more unattractive than being bald.
I worked for years beside a male model, who was also kind and easy-going. Women loved him, in fact everyone did. However, by being secure in my own attributes I never felt any animosity to him. And to this day we’re still buddies.
Don’t distrust and look down on others, George. Just be confident in yourself. It’s so much more attractive than a “fabio like mane.”
Your “standards”?
A standard is like not wanting a liar, or cheater.
Even though I prefer a fit woman, I would not say my weight preferences are a “standard”. That is really snobby.
Height shouldn’t be too critical of an issue in finding love, but so glad my fiance’ is over 6 feet tall…LOL….
I am a six feet tall woman. It would be nice to date men who are taller but it’s not realistic. The vast majority of men I have dated have been shorter than me. The shortest was 5’2″. Despite the fact that I am very open to dating shorter men, I have found that men, no matter what their height, are not nearly as open to dating very tall women. I’ve had quite a few men insist that I only wear flat shoes so that I don’t appear so much taller. I’ve never asked a guy to wear lifts nor has even it crossed my mind.
I would venture to guess that the discrimination I face in online dating based on my height is probably equal to or greater than that faced by very short men. I have found that listing my height in my profile as 5’11” instead of 6’0″ has resulted in more men contacting me or responding to me online but not significantly more. Once I changed my height to 5’7″ for a week just to see what would happen. I had probably 100x the number of men view my profile and recieved 20x the number of messages than I did when my height was listed at 6’0″. To put this in perspective, when my true height was listed I was only getting 1 or 2 messages per week. Then I removed the fact that I am a vegetarian and a lawyer from my profile. It made no difference in the number of profile views or messages I recieved regardless of whether my height was listed at 6’0″ or 5’7″. So I know that of those three things (vegetarian, 6’0 and lawyer), it’s my height that makes the difference in whether men online are interested in me.
While tall men may be both in high demand and short supply, only 0.7% of women are 5’10” or taller so it’s not like men feel they are missing out by excluding such a small percentage of women. I find it interesting that I get approached by men much more frequently in real life than ever contact me online. At this point, I have kind of given up on online dating as a way to meet anyone due to the lack of interest men online have in me.
I LOVE tall women! If I had a 6 foot girlfriend I’d want her to wear her 5 inch heels. I love it!
Create a male profile and list your height at 5’2″. Then sit back and watch as you get 1 message every 2-3 years.
Hi Kristen! I am sorry you faced such difficulties with online dating. However, I want to make a comment:
I think your difficulties are an indirect result of the height requirements that most women (who are likely shorter than you) have, for men. Most men who are shorter than you probably don’t even try for a woman of your stature, simply because of the societal taboo and/or having been unceremoniously “shot-down” by women who are taller.
As a 5’5 guy, I can tell you I don’t try for women who are your height, anymore. It’s not that I don’t find such women attractive, it’s just that I’ve had marginal success.
On a tangent: Conversely, women who are around your height tend to be much more gracious with letting me down, than women who are shorter than me. It’s just anecdotal, but women who are shorter than me tend to be far more nasty with their rejections. I think it’s mainly due to their own insecurities, and the idea that women tend to shop for men with the requirement that he be socially acceptable to her girlfriends. (And probably mom&dad, too)
Sheesh.. I wish this whole height taboo would go away.. as Evan has (essentially) said, it’s illogical.
Kristen,
Me too! I’m 5′ 11″ and a lawyer. Men are not as open to dating tall women as people like to think. I’ve dated fuys frim 5′ 3″ and up. I”ve had them ask me to put on flats also…when I’m wearing flats!
When I have heels on that are perfect for my outfit, and some g it wants me to go buy another pair of shoes that are perfect for my outfit but with no heels? Does he know how many pairs of shoes I already tried on with no heels, high heels, medium heels, wedge heels, etc. To find this pair? And he wants to complain because they make me too tall? Right there I know we are not a match!
Cat5