By Changing Nothing, Nothing Changes

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I’m just emerging from my cocoon for a few minutes to tell you how grateful I am to have you as a reader.

The Why He Disappeared book launch has taken up most of my non-coaching time recently, and you have kept things warm on the blog by engaging in your normal level of intelligent discourse. You’re really amazing and it means a lot to me that you stick around. Whether you agree or disagree with everything I say, you’re part of a special community, the likes of which I don’t think exists anywhere else.

Next week, after the Why He Disappeared sale is over, I’ll go back to answering reader questions. Today, I just had a thought that needed expressing:

“By changing nothing, nothing changes.”

I’m not sure if that’s deep or if that’s so obvious that it’s silly, but I found myself saying it to a client on the phone the other day, when she was lamenting the state of her love life.

And although she reached out to me for coaching – and was enjoying our sessions – she wasn’t actually DOING anything differently. Her intention – to find love in 2010 – wasn’t backed up by her actions, which largely entailed complaining about the state of, dwelling on how unfair it is for 40 year old women, and refusing to initiate contact with men online because she preferred when men wrote to her. And that’s when it occurred to me:

“By changing nothing, nothing changes.”

I’ve written a lot about the male-female dynamic over the years and have been explicit in my search for truth and fairness. I don’t pick on women, I don’t defend men. I try to point out what works, what doesn’t, and what shifts you can make to forge healthier relationships with the opposite sex.

I try to point out what works, what doesn’t, and what shifts you can make to forge healthier relationships with the opposite sex.

If you like most of what I do here, you’re REALLY going to like what I’ve compiled in Why He Disappeared.

Right now, I’m having a special offer, good through Sunday, which gives you the 133 page eBook, the 2 1/2 hour audio, the bonus Why He Disappeared Online eBook and audio, two hour-long interviews with me giving away some priceless dating advice, and a recording of a teleseminar where I answer 100 women’s relationship questions.

I’m so confident you’ll get value out of it, that I’m offering a 100% no-questions-asked money-back guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied that you’ve learned something useful about men, dating, and relationships. The bonuses that come with the book will be GONE by Sunday, so if you like reading this blog, act now.

Click here for your no-risk opportunity to transform your love life.

Remember, by changing nothing, nothing changes.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a long time, but your love life remains in the same place, I highly recommend taking action.

Stay tuned for more – plus the return of reader questions – next week.

Many thanks and much love,


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  1. 2

    Evan, congratulations on all of your success. I'm grateful younger women will have the advantage of your wisdom. I would love to utilize it if I ever got asked out! I am everything you describe except I am a 55 year old widow – and apparently invisible! If you ever write "How Grandma can get a date" I'll be the first in line!

  2. 3

    Interesting question – how much can older women compensate, online and offline, by approaching men first (presuming men are less likely to initiate contact) and do single-but-wanting-to-be-coupled women in fact become more likely to approach as they get older? That men too become less attractive as they age might mean women's willingness to approach doesn't change much.
    Of course the point of Evan's post is a truism, but hey there are always changes one can make. Such as appearance =)

  3. 4

    I have enjoyed and followed the advice in Evan's Finding the One Online.  I am almost 62 yrs old, rewrote my profile and opened up meeting someone who might not have jumped out at me but who has become a "real boyfriend".  I love reading Evan's blogs and hope that just because he has a book out for sale, that he doesn't use the blog as a teaser to buy the book, as another dating expert does.  She has a great "come one" and says she has a solution, but after a multiple page email I find that the only thing she is offering is an online book….for sale.  Thanks for your great insights, I may have found the man I was looking for, but I still enjoy your ideas about communication etc. and realize that love is a verb….and a relationship is just starting here, so all advice is welcome.

  4. 5
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks, Ellen. Really glad to hear about your relationship success, which should give everyone a lot of hope, especially women who are younger than you who still doubt the point of learning to date online successfully.

    As far as what the blog’s for?

    It’s never been a source for “sales”; in fact, it’s been quite the opposite – a place that I work for free which helps me clarify my thinking on dating/relationship issues. The fact that over 60,000 readers a month are enjoying it is just a wonderful bonus…

  5. 6
    Cathy J

    Yes, the aging process can make you invisible – but mostly to the wrong men – which has to a good thing!
    Even very young men find Raquel Welsh or Lauren Becall beautiful – it is all about elegance and grace and being comfortable in your own skin.  You could have extra weight however the plump round face is the face of an angel radiating love!!
    Choose to embrace who you are!. One thing I love is that at any moment I am every age I have ever been (and perhaps even sometimes feeling a little older or wiser, even ageless 🙂 )
    "By changing nothing, nothing changes.  So choose to do something for you today – something luxuriating…….

  6. 7

    This is very exhilirating. i am most pleased i was able to get something from your advice.i have been searching love fora while and i think following some on your method and rewriting my profile i made it thanks a lot

  7. 8

    I love your advice
    It doesn't take sides and it's clear
    looking forward to reading your other blogs

  8. 9

    It's probably more accurate to say that young men (well, some of them) rate Raquel Welch and Lauren Bacall attractive because they still resemble themselves in their prime. It's the unpleasant truth, but it's very hard for a person to attract a mate without presenting something that is reasonably physically attractive by at least the culture's standards. Aside from older women and maybe frail old men, most categories of people can work around that without too much difficulty.

  9. 10
    Cathy J

    I like your honesty and it is true.  When we respect ourselves by living a healthy lifestyle, of course we glow even just with good health. 
    Raquel Welsh's additional secret I believe is that she chose to stay in love with her husband for the duration and radiated that love. 

  10. 11

    "raquel welch chose to stay in love with her husband.." What?? Are you thinking of someone else? Raquel Welch has been divorced 4 times.

  11. 12

    Thanks. You're right about health – possibly you mean that good health is reflected visually, in skin, hair, posture, etc., which of course it is. Raquel Welch certainly looks like she takes good care of herself. Anybody who wants to make a change ought to start with self-care. There is usually room for significant self-improvement there.

  12. 13

    Hey Evan,

    I found you a few weeks ago via Tango (can’t remember what the heck I was doing over there lol).

    Anyways, I normally don’t take love advice from men but your advice is straight forward and honest. Keep doing what you’re doing.

    Luv Ya!

  13. 14
    Adult Casual Contacts

    I am very glad to hear about your relation succes, which give everyone a lot of hope, especially to womens. Keep up 😉

  14. 15

    I have something to add about aging.   I hit the big 60 this year and my physician said “Keep on doing what you’re doing!”   I think I look and act years more energetic than some 30 something women I see in public. There are many physically more “perfect” women who are real duds, if you know what I mean.
    While I wasted a few years on an abusive marriage, I had the courage to get out before real damage happened.   I applaud others who did the same!   Life is too short to waste on mean people.
    My blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.etc. are GREAT, so only a few signs of aging, in the traditional sense.   I work out regularly and pursue many interests.   The freedom I have (retired) and the time to appreciate and enjoy my life are great!   Some man, the RIGHT ONE, will sense that I am a person he wants to spend time with.   I know it, because I have many platonic friends who enjoy my company.   That confidence and attitude is all it takes.

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