What You Can Learn From a Real-Life “He’s Just Not That Into You” Situation

I am 41, divorced with two kids. Three months ago, I met someone, 38, no kids, never been married. We exchanged phone numbers, went out a couple times and ended up having sex on our second date. He has always been upfront with me about not wanting a serious relationship, which I agreed to because frankly, even though I’ve been divorced for two years I don’t feel that I’m ready for that either. He is the first guy that I’ve dated, let alone had sex with, since the divorce. Things seemed to be going pretty well, we were seeing each other a couple times a week, had a few incidents where I did things he didn’t like, one time I went to his house unannounced and he told me to never do that again. So we’ve had a few conversations about honesty, and about what each of us wants this relationship to be. I thought we came to an agreement, he told me he has gone out with other women since I came along and that he wouldn’t mind if I dated other people. He says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else, and if he did he would tell me and break it off with me. And he would expect me to do the same.

The last time I saw him was on a Wednesday almost two weeks ago, I called him the following Saturday at 10 p.m. and he was at a party, said he would call me later. Well, he did call at 4 a.m. and left me a voicemail saying he was sorry he didn’t call earlier, that he would’ve invited me but I wouldn’t have had any fun because it was mostly a bunch of guys.

So on Monday I sent him a text asking what he was doing, and he never responded. By Thursday (a week since I’d seen him last) he still hadn’t called so I called him and he did the ‘answer the phone and hang it up to make it look like a dropped call’ game twice before he finally answered the third time. When he did answer he was pretty rude, said I read too much into things, that he’s been busy and that’s the only reason he hasn’t called me. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I told him that he could’ve at least had the courtesy to take two minutes out of his suddenly busy life to call me to say he wouldn’t be available due to being busy. (I don’t know what is keeping him busy, he never elaborated.) He did agree that he was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings, but never said anything about calling me again or anything. The conversation ended with me telling him to give me a call when he could find the time.

All I ask for is a little honesty, if he doesn’t want to see me anymore for whatever reason, just be a man and end it with a little dignity. Is that too much to ask? It’s not like we had only gone out a couple times, we spent a fair amount of time with each other and I thought that if anything else, he would always be a friend. But now I feel like I have to try to avoid him, I told my friend that if he shows up at the bar when we’re there I will leave, she says I need to just hold my head up and pretend I’m not hurt if I do see him. I guess I just want a little insight into the mind of a 38-year-old man that behaves like a high school kid. It is really frustrating, a setback to the confidence and self esteem that I did have before I met him, which wasn’t much to begin with. I see now that he was only using me for sex, that he either met someone else or is just done with me. I would be curious to know how many other women my age have been in situations like this. It makes me want to just give up on men altogether.


Dear Charlene,

Don’t give up on men. But please, for your own sake, read this very closely. Maybe print it up and put it on your bathroom mirror, where you can practice smiling in spite of what you’re about to hear.



He’s just not that into you.

But you already knew that. So let me continue with something that might not be as obvious….

Men do what they want. Unless they have a gun to their head or are trapped under a fallen boulder, they’re going to call you if they want to call you, and treat you well if they want to treat you well, and commit to you if they want to commit to you. This is the entire premise of He’s Just Not That Into You in 50 words.

Thus, if a man is not treating you the way you want to be treated, you have two choices – stay or go.

But you refuse to go. Instead, you stay and complain about how poorly you’re being treated.

Yet you realize that no one can treat you in any way that you don’t allow yourself to be treated.

Dump the guy and he can’t treat you any way.

Stay with him and he can treat you how he’s treating you. Trying to convince him to call you more, care about you more, and see you more is a futile endeavor. You can see this.

And thus, Charlene, despite your good intentions and big heart, you’re a classic enabler.

You allow him to walk on you and then act surprised when he walks on you.

So here’s what I want you to understand:

He WAS honest with you. You are the one who is not being honest with herself.

Sorry if that sounds like a bit of a verbal bitchslap, but the truth hurts.

He TOLD you that he didn’t want a relationship. He TOLD you he was seeing other people. He TOLD you not to come over unannounced, and, in not calling for two weeks, he pretty much TOLD you he wasn’t interested. You could quibble that it would have been nice for him to call you, or maybe write you a note on letterhead, officially establishing his lack of interest. But is that really necessary? In what culture is “ignoring someone for two weeks” a sign of passion?

As to how you’re not being honest with yourself…at the beginning of your question, you wrote that you don’t want a serious relationship. And so what did you do? You got attached, you called him, you texted him, you surprised him at his place, you started getting angry when he didn’t invite you out. Doesn’t exactly sound like the behavior of a woman who is happy as a casual dater, does it? Sounds to me like a woman who has feelings, in spite of the fact that she doesn’t want to have feelings.

You know who sounds like the honest casual dater? Him.

For the record, I don’t think what he’s doing is cool. A very simple conversation could have saved you a lot of pain. But people don’t care about others’ pain as much as they care about their own pleasure. Which is why he’d rather avoid the uncomfortable break-up conversation and keep texting you at 11pm to ask if he can come over to sleep with you. Asking him to give up this privilege of having a sexual relationship without making any effort is foolish. It would be like expecting a homeless man to give back a $20 bill he found on the street.

Listen, Charlene, your last paragraph smacks of passive victimhood. And all I’m trying to do here is smack you out of it. So please don’t get angry with me for merely stating what everyone else can see. Get angry at yourself for allowing this jackass to treat you like crap – and vow to never let it happen again.

Join our conversation (118 Comments).
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  1. 1

    Wow, sounds harsh, but Evan’s right. Take it from someone who has been in a similar position. I started dating in earnest a little later than most and I didn’t have the benefit of Evan’s sage advice and it took me a long time to learn that if a man does not call back it wasn’t there for him. Yes it irritates me if a man says he’ll call back & then doesn’t, but that, itself is a sign. It takes courage to tell some you’re not interested because if you’re a nice person you know it might hurt their feelings. Here’s the thing though, we’re adults now we should be able to handle a tap to the ego. If I was really attracted to the guy it stings a bit, but I feel I’m worth more than the level I stoop to to get his attention. So please don’t give up.

  2. 2

    *He* was acting like a high schooler?

    *She* was acting like a high schooler, with the unending phone calls and text messages, refusing to just take the hint.

    1. 2.1

      She’s an idiot she was acting like a teenager DROPPING BY HIS HOUSE? He was honest from the start. And doesn’t she have KIDS to focus on?  

    2. 2.2

      I disagree. He should of just said I’m sorry but not interested. Not these half ass responses that can give a person hope. Still sad but trust me, he would be respected at the end.

  3. 3

    First of all I’d like to thank Evan for the giant reality check. I saw a million red flags from the very beginning and refused to acknowledge them, I guess because I was lonely and he was the first guy to give me any attention that I had any interest in. After reading what I wrote, I agree that I acted like a high schooler also. But I would like to add a few things. There were times that he relentlessly called me, left me texts and voicemails wanting to know where I was, and when I would get back to him I would get lectured about not having enough respect for him to answer his calls. He also got into a fight (argument) with a guy for talking to me (“his woman”). We had an agreement that if either one of us met someone else that we would tell the other, not just do a disappearing act. I am relieved to say that two days ago he sent me a text telling me we needed to have “the talk”. So he called me and said that he was seeing an ex-girlfriend and wanted to see where things would go with her. I told him I appreciated the honesty, and he said he was going to keep my number. I said that was fine, if he ever wanted to call me and I wasn’t involved with someone else, I would see him. Now that I’ve had two days and some conversations with some of my friends, i’ve decided that if he ever does call I will not see him again. He was fun to hang out with but he never will be the kind of guy that I want or deserve, I was compromising my self respect for someone who clearly wasn’t right for me.

    1. 3.1

      What does it matter, really? If he’s “hawt”, tall and gives you the “v-tingles”. Then you got what you wanted and probably showed him off as Facebook candy. You just couldn’t accept the fact that you were “plate zoned” (it’s similar to when women friend zones a guy). You probably hooked up with him because he had a higher SMV than you. Because of that you, became delusional.

      As an example, let’s say I have great Corvette. But I rented a Ferrari F50 and took it out on the 101. It was exhilarating, “hawt”, smooth, yet so aggressive! Now all of a sudden I think I DESERVE a F50 from that moment of bliss. However, my wallet can’t buy that bliss! Period. But the Corvette will work just fine.

      So similarly in the dating world: a male that has a SMV 8, 9, 10 hooks up with a female with a SMV 7 or less. She has a great time! He’s tall, “hawt”, and so aggressive! So in her mind she thinks she deserves a “10” because Mr. “10” was banging her. Yet she wonders why he can’t change, why he’s doesn’t communicate, etc., The truth is, he is never going to change. It will be you who will change so you can maintain you self-manifested fantasy, while he is already seeing another woman.

      The only reasons Mr. “10” hooked up with a woman that has less SMV than him are; he was on the rebound, it is easy to get in and easier to get out. It’s a hard red pill to swallow but it’s the best view there is.

      1. 3.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Someone is very fluent in the adopted lingo of the manosphere. You’ll be more persuasive when you talk like a human being who attempts to understand women instead of a guy who parrots terms like “hawt”, “v-tingles”, “SMV”, and “red pill”.

        1. Jake

          Yet, where is the flaw in my logic? Where are the disconnects, let alone contradictions in the extrapolation and analogy? The calculus is clear. I provided explanatory value not persuasion. What was presented were choices that were obfuscated by the OP’s own noise. The only way to get to a solution for any situation is to eliminate the noise. Whether it is gravity, noise or incentives, history will always repeat itself. The agents change, but the framework stays the same. Thanks.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          The flaws?

          You use big words to sound impressive but they actually make you harder to understand.
          You make assumptions about the OP that you can’t really back up (stuff about Facebook and “plate zoning”)
          And finally, you sound like a guy with low SMV who doesn’t really understand women or high value men.

          As a result, you didn’t derive your knowledge from experience with smart, strong, successful women, but from Manosphere boards which are filled with other similar men who find women frustrating and maddening – mostly because they don’t value you. So you cut these women down and try to psychoanalyze them from your armchair, oozing schadenfreude, since actual intimacy eludes you.

          You don’t have to return to tell me that I’m wrong about you. I wouldn’t believe you anyway.

        3. elocin

          OMG Evan I love you for your response to this douchebag

      2. 3.1.2
        Marie Laveaux

        Forgive my ignorance, but what is an ‘SMV’?

      3. 3.1.3
        Marie Laveaux

        Nevermind I looked it up in the Urban Dick (forgive the pun) – SMV = Sexual Market Value.  Sheesh.  And thank you, Evan for bringing up the silliness of these unpersuasive terms and abbreviations.

    2. 3.2
      Recently Hooked On Him

      Firstly this is awesome to see your comment in reply here. Thank you for doing that. In all the posts I have read this is the only one where the original post writer has responded in the comments.

      I know most people aresaying it is so obvious but I don’t think when you are in the situation that it is obvious at all.

      I had a sort of similar situation not so long ago. At the start full of dreamy stories about the future, and  plans, and the uniqueness of our situation… It was all so nice I wanted to believe it. We did not actually have sex because things were going way too fast and when I saw him (he didn’t live nearby) I went further than I thought but thankfully not that far.

      I could have writen almost the same letter that you wrote, although I had never said at the start I was interested in him casually. I liked him a lot and wanted only something serious. That said, later on, as time went by and he started telling me that while he had been serious about a relationship he was now telling me he really just wanted sex. He made that quite clear, but it is difficult to accept that – I was still holding onto all the stories from the beginning, and I very nearly felt like if I kept seeing him that that fantasy would come back. I say “very nearly” because if I had seen him in person during those couple of weeks I would almost certainly have done whatever he wanted.

      It took a very long time to accept the change in what he wanted. And although I tried to be okay with that (because I just wanted him so much) I told him that it won’t work and we need not keep talking (of course I wanted to be friends but at that point I wasn’t really able to chat casually with him, as if it didn’t matter that things had changed, as if I didn’t want him the way he had talked about at first).


      Now a bit more time has passed and we exchanged a message the other day. He asked what is happening in your life and I said “not much” and a few other comments on things. To which he had not responded 12 hours later! (Look I know that says he doesn’t care, but remember, this is the same person who said I was perfect, awesome and the best he ever etc… Just a few months before, it isn’t easy to let go of that when you still think that about him). So instead of waiting for the reply that would eventually have come I messaged to say “it is fine” basically “don’t bother”

      and yep now I am sending mixed signals because he then didn’t respond at all, so I sent another chatty message the next day – to which he also did not respond.


      I I feel better having shared this here. It was only one message.

      So of course I need to forget about this whole thing and stop confusing him (not that he cares but you know he would maybe still have sex if the chance came up, and I forget at times how very separate that is to caring for someone to a guy , enhanced by him telling me about him always needing an emotional connection when he is with someone…

    3. 3.3

      Wow. Evan, you’re good! 🙂

  4. 4

    Good for you. To be fair it sounds like he gave you some mixed signals & I recognize those red flags as well. You definately deserve better.

  5. 5

    Good reply. I needed that “verbal bitchslap” as a reminder too. Funny how our actions aren’t always congruent with what we intellectually know.
    Sounds like Charlene’s issue got resolved.

  6. 7

    I had a similiar situtatio, but different.
    i dated a guy for 1.5 years,
    we did have a few problems.
    we did talk about moving in together, family. he did not have a job.
    we had a fight about his lifestyle. player poker.

    He blew me off,
    after 1. 5years.
    did not say anything nice.
    we got into fight before my vacation, I called him to say what about vacation. he said No, I don’t want to do anything to do with you you are against my poker.

    That was it, I sent 2 text messages, he did not answer, called twice, he never returned calls.
    don’t you think a normal guy would say something nice to you after 1.5 years of you life.
    I am just turned 42 years old. I am trying to have family and get married.
    I feel same way. If I see him I would be embarresed, not talk. run away.
    aAre re you supossed to treat a significant relationship that way????????

    1. 7.1

      Hi Charlene, some men can be assholes. I am in the same situation with a man I met, and don’t know how to get out. Guess this blog tells me all. After reading what you wrote, sounded to me like exactly what I would write about,  it’s amazing how we women allow ourselves to be treated sometimes, and it is really sad. Guess I just have to advice myself and move on.

  7. 8

    That is it in a nutshell. Hower, I have something to add for all BEAUTIFUL Women out there..
    PLEASE, don’t EVER sleep with the man on a first, second even on third date. I know, the attraction is there (been there myself). We women must let the dating process grow (if there is a chance for that), to actually let the men COURT us. One of the things that happen is that once we become intimate with the MAN soon, at least what happened to me, emotional attachment is created, unless some women have HEART made of steal. Through COURTING proces women can actually enjoy and get to know REAL MAN the one behind INITAL physicall attraction which is pretty much only INFATUATION mask. This way if the relationship doesn’t turn out to be EXCLUSIVE and REAL we (women) won’t be hurt as much. Men from the start know what they want, only later they will start thinking process, (e.g, she is very nice, confident, wow- she is attracted to me but she won’t GIVE IN (sex) they will realize this later, however women want to please MEN, (e.g they pressure, sweet talk (attraction is there), come too strong, at first =phase of INFATUATION, not reality!!

    Please all Women, especially YOUNGER who did not, or have yet to mature and did not have a positive father figure, as myself, (we don’t know any better) you HAVE to wait…
    Remember, calling him, chasing him won’t change him, it’s all acting upon our insecurity (we were hurt, bonded to quickly, he did not) He got what he wanted; why woman LET him have it.
    Rule to remember: Man who pressures you to become intimate with him doesn’t care no matter what he tells you or acts, if’s not right for you, STOP him. If he CARES he’ll say “No problem, it’s o.k. we can wait or anything similar, HE (the real GUY with the honest heart will SAY so..)

    Thanks for reading my long comment and good luck to all.

    1. 8.1
      Dina Strange

      Great words. Agree 100%.

  8. 9

    I read this with interest, and understanding. I have been in similar situations several times.

    It is true Charlene and us other women need to take the ‘hints’ and it is also true that many men could use some manners and lessons in accountability, honesty, and consideration.

    As hard as it is to accept someone’s changing interest or affections, it is harder to be betrayed. When we make agreements out of mututal respect, and these agreements are broken- that stings and stinks.

    And the person who continually enters these – often men- who want easy relationships – sexual or other, should also be given an opportunity to experience and understand the consequences of their ‘failure’ to live up to them. Many women don’t bother to call them on it and so that behavior continues – and hurts others.

    It is true, Charlene, myself, and others can and must learn to read the ‘cues’ and stand up for our own needs and preferences in terms of how we wish to be treated.

    Yet Charlene did this with her talks with her new dating partner of how to handle changing desire honestly. If she was responding to his calls, it is reseasonable to expect him to respond to hers, even to say he is no longer interested or available.

    If a man is not really committed or considerate enough to call- yes that is sign women should note. Yet also the man could learn to not to say he will call or that he wants to continue contact. He could learn that his word carries weight and should be given with thought.

    Yes as Evan says, reason doesn’t dictate dating behavior.

    Many men and women will act on their own needs first over consideration for the ‘other’ involved. This is normal.

    Yet it does not make wanting consideration wrong or ‘immature’ or high schoolish.

    Identifying that hope and behavior one desires, and looking for those who match more closely with those actions is just fine, and is what Charlene has done and Evan pointed the way towards.

    I think more women should (teasingly) call their men on their ‘chicken’ and selfish behavior, and also find ways to set their standards clearly.

    Where are the men who will call each other on this poor – immature behavior?

    Knowing so many men act this way and enable each other to act this way – It makes it VERY difficult for women to expect differently.

    I think there needs to be some empathy for women and men who would enjoy companionship, know each of us is imperfect , and are willing to flex and be called on their behavior and grow.

    We may get dissappointed in the process, and yet we can discover what we can live with and how to express better what we want and decide who can deliver.

    Good luck-

    PS- to know someone is just ‘not that into you’ is not as helpful as figuring out whom one can be into, wants to be into, knowing why one is into someone, and how to maintain that openess and invitation for return affections.

    Yes, it is best not to waste time (or anger) with those not responding- yet there can be many reasons for that (including illness and fear) – and each has to decide how to handle that.

    It seems Charlene and this man did come to a more honest open communication and she was able to clarify her needs and move on.


  9. 10

    HI, Nice letter alison.
    Do you think I should call and ask him, what is goig on??
    Are you so chicken and coward that you can not call and say something.
    you have to so rude blow me off??

    Do you think that is the way to end a 1. year relationship.
    Most of these therapist say do not persue him, let him go? you will scare him away if you call him.
    He is just not interested . forget him and move on.
    He dropped you after 1. years of datig.
    These thrapist say do not persue him.
    It will make him run>
    But is that the way to act .

    maybe i should tell him off?

  10. 11

    tThese therapist say. well his has commitment problems.
    He had a bad mother.
    supose you want to tell him off>
    therapist , say no that will drive him away further.

    Taht is why I thik people should ask each other where is this going??
    men seem to hate this, why becuae they get free sex and now they know it may end.

  11. 12

    I do not know how to dea with the hurt and apin from guy just saying by over phone , he will t do anythig because poker makes me a little nervous.

    People say OH you are a sucker, you just want to inflict pain on your self.

  12. 13

    It seems lots of women think a guy likes them but is just using them for sex.
    How ca you figure it out.
    My idea is ask the guy to take you for a weekend away, or go away together.
    this guy who disseaperd would not do a weekend away with me for 7 months except one trip to aruba which he was not that romantic, meanwhile he did all these dance competitions with 2 year old dancer..

    How do you test if a guy is just ito you for sex.,????????

  13. 14

    …I sympathize with the situation to an extent…harsh words, but very true and we should know that by our 40’s, if not sooner. We’ve all “been there-done that” and men will make it perfectly clear, regardless of mixed signals, when they want to be around whether it’s part-time or full-time. “We” (no one else) make the choice to allow anyone to treat us in any way…what cliche is that from Eleanor Roosevelt that “no one can treat you badly without your consent” – very true. For any of you who watched the Bachelor (not my thing, but the one with Andy Baldwin caught my attention watching Tessa in action) and ironically, I read an excerpt somewhere about why Andy continued to pursue and be intrigued by Tessa – we can learn a lot from that courtship (or whatever you want to call it)…even outside of reality TV because they are going strong today.

    There are many reasons why he was smitten with Tessachemistry being the main reason. But there was something else that he found absolutely intoxicating about her. That something is that she was ELUSIVE. She was not one to gush out all of her emotions and express her adoration like the other girls did. He knew where he stood with each of the other contestants. But he had no idea what was really going on in Tessas mind when it came to him. So there was some mystery about Tessa and Andy, being the inquisitive type, was intrigued to figure it out.
    A man (as we know) love a challenge – I don’t care how submissive he is, they all love a challenge and when we become the aggressor, we take over that masculine energy – and 9 times out of 10, that’s not at all what we want. So, why do it!

    Even after years of a healthy relationship, they still love a little challenge, its in their mechanism and once we learn how to use that to our advantage without so much emotion, unless its mutual at the time, we will continue to make the same choices/mistakes again and again.

    What I loved about Tessa was she was not so aggressive and in his face or allover his body like Bevin and the others; it was Andy who had to chase and, pursue. Doing so brought out his masculine side. Andy was a competitor. He has competed to get into a good college, to get into medical school, to get into a surgical residency program and has definitely competed as a triathelete. Any competitor loves a challenge. Tessa was a huge challenge for him. Challenging to get her to open up, to find the key that allowed him to unlock her feelings towards him, and express those feelings to him. It was a challenge for him to make her feel that she is special. Tessa told him that he should send her home if he wasnt serious about her and he bent over backwards to let how know that she was welcome in his life and that he had no intention of sending her home.

    Based on Andys particular personality type, he is a fair minded, precise, sensitive, intelligent caretaking and competitive type of man, with a high level of integrity, a strong sense of family values and Tessa definitely played her cards right when it came to clinching the deal with a man who wanted to marry her.

    Stick around this board and Evan’s Blog, we can learn a lot from this man (and Linda)…but seriously – it’s a lot like the “bitchslap” advice I get from one of my best “guy” friends (we all have those)…and I can tell you, my guy friends will instantly tell me how it is from a “man’s” perspective – it’s our job to pay attention. I learned a long time ago that they need to earn the ‘right’ to get what they want from me, right down to my insides!!!

  14. 15

    Now, Charlene, this is the kind of crucial information that all but invalidates Evan’s response. Why on earth did you leave it out of your original letter??

  15. 16

    I mean, sure, you still shouldn’t have called (repeatedly), but an honest “casual” dater this man certainly isn’t.

  16. 17


    I too would like to know how to tell if a guy is interested in me just for sex or really into me for a relationship. I dated a guy for over a year… and he did everything he possibly could to woo me and get me to spend time with him. He was cute, funny, charming, and always there for me. I am a busy single mom to a child with special needs and have a full-time job. He did helped me in everything from groceries to laundry and cleaning my apartment. He called, texted and instant messaged me all the time. He came-by to meet me if I had an hour to spare while waiting for my son’s therapies. After a few months, when I asked him where it was going, he did a double-take. He said he was only in it for sex!!! I must say he was very nice and cosiderate during our break-up, and we still talk sometimes. I have started dating again, and now, I have no idea how to tell if a guy is into me for a relationship or just for sex.

    1. 17.1

      Hi Sheena!  

      I dont know if this will help you much but I honestly believe in no sex before marriage and honestly, thats the best way to assure a person is not just into you for the sex but commitment (especially if you are going to get married!). I  don’t know what kind of relationship you are looking for but if you are loking for a serious relationship and a man that truly respects you… you got your answer! Now if you can’t calm your needs and want to have sex…. make him wait a long time if you can a year, and you know he wasn’t just into you for sex!

      – God Bless and hope you find the relationship you NEED and Deserve! We aren’t 20 and single anymore! 

  17. 18

    HOLY CRAP….I just read that and I can sooo relate to Charlene and at the same time felt like his response was directed at me. I do that all the time. Well I don’t date guys who openly want to date other people but the whole needy, clingy when they are giving you sings of pulling away, I smother them more thing….the sad part is that I know I do it and it still happens. I like to tell myself i’m not being a doormat but just a giving and trusting person in a relationship and expecting the same. I’ve found that having expectations is what gets me…I still haven’t found that balance so I feel for Charlene but I know its all in our own power to not experience these types of dating situations over and over. Good luck.

  18. 19

    is it really worth the trouble to be with a man or a woman. it seems there is sooooo much to figure out. Call, dont call; act as if you dont care, it seems if we show interest in a man he won’t like us, and if we are nonchalant then they will be interested. give me a break. i think i am enjoying my single life although lonely at times and wanting some companionship the thought of all the mind games just tires me out and the feeling of wanting a man in my life soon subsides. if it happens great, but i can only be myself and refuse to play mind games. if i feel like calling him then i should be able to without him freaking out. I mean isnt it enough we are suppose to wait till THEY want to get married till THEY want to make it a serious relationship. What about US woman why do we have to wait for THEM to want the relationship. I know this sounds as if i’ve given up but i havent. I’m just not into the mind games.

    1. 19.1
      Dina Strange

      You should never play mind games. You won’t be able to play mind games you whole life (if you marry him). So don’t bother. Just be yourself.

  19. 20

    Oh wow, Alison….you soooo need to write a book with Evan!
    Thank you for your comments. You hit home with what you said about identifying what you want and being with someone who can deliver.
    Deliver is the key word!

    Thank you again!

  20. 21

    why don’t women start to think more like men…..

    “I’m just not that IN to HIM” and move on as quickly as it started.

  21. 22

    How shall I put this? I’m fed up with references to “He’s just not that into you…” Women aren’t that difficult to break up with, we want you to say you’re done if you’re done so we can move on. Men on the other hand do the dance of interest (replete with feather headdress) to attract a woman then freeze them out instead of simply telling them it’s over. So for all the men out there if you aren’t interested, say so. Let’s face it, if you are trying to use someone for sex, you could just find someone who only wants sex. If you trail after women who want more, don’t be so surprised when they want more than sex. It’s not just a “woman thing” to expect something out of a relationship, so if you’re not interested don’t waffle around hoping your girl will just disappear, just tell her you’re not interested. While you may have a scene where she tells you off for whatever, but it’ll be over with less drama and pain for all concerned.

    1. 22.1
      Dina Strange

      They don’t want to pay money to prostitutes, and for some its just their ego. They rather have sex with someone who “likes” them, even though it means lying to them.

      But i agree with everything you wrote. It would be nice if men explained their reasons. But if he doesn’t, you know you just dodged a major non-communicator, and good for you.

      1. 22.1.1

        Exactly. I think sometimes that for *some men, they recognize that they can open a free profile and find willing women that they only have to spend $20 on at a local chain restaurant, who will likely offer them regular sex at a lesser cost vs. a prostitute. Honestly, I can’t even fault them for it when they’re very up front about it and have willing participants. I also think that a man who has disclosed a casual mindset to a willing participant, will technology tether them (with occasional calls/texts/messages) to keep them interested should they want to put them back into rotation. Stressing *some men.. it’s important to listen very carefully to what they’re saying and to their actions, which makes forums and content like Evan’s so helpful to inform and remind women that if a man is saying he’s not looking for anything meaningful or serious, you’d better believe him if you are!

    2. 22.2

      I think sometimes there’s also an element of wanting to leave us as an option for more sex later on. So they don’t want to eliminate that possibility by officially breaking it off/saying they’re not interested. However, we women usually want the involvement to end cleanly so we can deal with it and move on, because we’ve developed *at least a little bit* of emotion for them. Whereas some guys (usually younger ones with raging hormones) even go so far as to think, once they’ve hit that, so to speak, they’ll always have some sort of rights.
      Sorry if I anger anyone, but I know that fortunately not all men are like this.

    3. 22.3

      Wow!!! spot on comment, I agree with you!

    4. 22.4
      Marie Laveaux

      Having dated a guy who was giving me all the ‘wrong’ signals when we had date no. 2, like, where would you want to live?  Could you live on my boat like I do?  How do you like the idea of living on my boat?  We’re so compatible.  You’re just the perfect woman for me.  Then you have sex – and it is great sex – and then you find out that all the words were just that:  words.  And, after an all night of great sex, he finally tells me:  “I’m just not that into you”.   I was totally thrown off guard.   I called him on the misleading behavior and ‘baiting’ me with the indication that he was actually asking me about living arrangements.  I’m 65 and he is 64.  I’m financially stable and he is still working (but can retire when he wants to).  At this age I told him that he needs to be aware of his behavior and to not lead someone on.  He took responsibility for his actions.  Said he would watch that behavior in the future with other women.  So, in my book I scored a ‘WIN’ on communcating to a guy whose ego was just leading him on and giving the wrong impression right from the start.  I felt a great sense of accomplishment by calling him on his behavior.  He said he learned and whether he heeds my advice or not, I stood up for myself and called him on how he treated me.

      On a funnier note, we came up with the idea of handing out a ‘card’ – half serious, half joking – an actual card that says:

      ****************************THE CARD***********************************

      Dear ____________(name of person)

      Even though we had (fill in the blank) i.e., a great dinner, sex, shared a lot of intimate thoughts and it is only our _________(fill in the blank here….first, second, third date), you do need to know that “I’m just not that into you”.   From this point on, your decision to not see me again or to remain in contact is totally up to you.   I am giving you this card because it seems that even when I tell a _________(fill in the blank) woman or man “I’m just not that into you”…..they don’t actually HEAR IT.  So, here it is in writing, believe it.



      ________________(Your signature)


      This way for the men who are unable or unwilling to repeat what they told a woman or man right off the bat – I’m just not that into you – and the woman or man just doesn’t understand or want to believe it, the card says it all.

      The only big rule is you can’t just slip this in their pocket as they are leaving your place or their purse, you must HAND IT TO THEM IN PERSON.

      This all started as a satirical joke, but now I think it may be a good idea.

  22. 23

    to Kari,

    …..some women think they can handle the, ‘I want sex only,’ approximately, 90 days into the relationship, some women want more…

  23. 24

    You know, reading this I am reminded of the stories ladies tell about the ‘nice guy’ pursuing her…He’s trying too hard, he’s a wimp, not interested because of it. Interesting.

    That said, both sexes need to realize the reality…most people prefer to avoid conflict in dating. Therefore, If a man or woman is interested, they will ACTIVELY contact the other, trying to see them. If the man or woman is not interested, he/she will not call, or will call a few days later with some lame excuse, but not trying to see the person they are calling. And why this passive aggressive (arguably deceptive) behavior? No one wants to be the bad guy/girl and drop the hammer on the other. The whys are varied. Simply put, this is the reality.

    With this reality in mind, here are some guidelines…

    If he/she doesn’t call back within 24 hours, drop ’em. It isn’t much effort to leave a VM to say you are buried, want to talk but can’t till tomorrow.

    If their primary method of communication is text/email, drop ’em. My experience is if someone of either sex wants to be with you, they make the effort to talk. In other words, you don’t matter enough to them to merit calls and actually interacting. Drop ’em.

    The basic premise behind the above is that people who genuine like and care about you will make an effort to talk to you, see you, and actively show you their affections. Therefore, if you do not receive the effort (from either sex), walk. Don’t worry, there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes. Always is.

    1. 24.1

      I’m 100% in agreement with what you just said! If, someone doesn’t call, they aren’t interested, period.

    2. 24.2

      Agree completely. The truth is that it our own fault if we allow ourselves to be led on. We do it willingly, because we only do it for somebody who we think is too special to close the book on. So we make excuses for them, and accept their lame excuses. If we have a more special guy we think we can get with, we will be less forgiving, and make them commit or get lost, so we can pursue the more special guy.

      But let’s stop kidding ourselves. We women do this just as much as men do. We have 3 guys very interested in us, and we rank them, then try to get the top guy to commit. Meanwhile, we keep the other two waiting, but we don’t “drop the hammer on them,” because we want them around in case the top guy flakes out on us. And while we do this, more often than not, the #@ or #3 guy wants a commitment. One we are not ready to give unless the better guy or guys show no promise for a solid future together. But often they do, and that lower tired guy ends feeling just like this. He made his intentions clear, and asked for a commitment, or made it known that he wanted a serious relationship. When we finally tell him we can’t give it to him, he wonders why we didn’t just tell him that before he spent all of that time pursuing us. So the truth is, if he is not actively trying to get you to commit, he doesn’t think you are that special. Oh, he doesn’t want you to give up on him altogether. No, he wants to keep you on standby in case the woman he thinks is special doesn’t commit. We really do have to decide what we want. Do we want the guy who is so special, that he likely won’t see us as special, or when the honeymoon is over, he will start bedding other women, like Tiger Woods? Or do we want a woman who thinks the sun and moon rises and sets in our eyes. These are two separate groups of men, and as much as we want some to be in both categories, the almost never are.

      When you drop money on the lottery and lose, do you get mad at the lottery, or do you get mad at yourself for even thinking you had a chance to win? Aren’t you actually mad at yourself for not spending that money on something worth while?

      1. 24.2.1

        @ JennLee #24.2
        “Do we want the guy who is so special, that he likely won’t see us as special, or when the honeymoon is over, he will start bedding other women, like Tiger Woods? Or do we want a woman who thinks the sun and moon rises and sets in our eyes”

        Nice analysis Jenn; I see dating the same way. So which choice are you going to make? As I/men face the same predicament. To date up or date down, that is the question.

    3. 24.3

      love your reply

  24. 25

    to verbosity,

    “Don’t worry there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes, always is.”…..You must be very attractive….us regular, plain, average, people, we fantasize about meeting someone new, every 10 minutes….

  25. 26

    This is a case of not so much is it a crappy guy ,but she made a crappy decision short term decision expecting long term results. Then whats so sad you will have women like her going out spreading toxic information saying hte men are dogs and blah blah blah but all the red flags were there in the beginning, she just chose to ignore them. Now her feelings are hurt.

  26. 27

    To DeAngelo
    I am the person who wrote the letter to Evan. I have been “lurking” on this blog since then, and have learned alot about myself just by reading all the different posts. I can relate to many of the issues. I don’t know what type of woman you think I am from reading about one issue I had with one person, but I can guarantee that I am not spreading nor did i ever spread toxic information about the person I was writing about, and I guess you could assume from the last part of what I wrote (that I’m about to just give up on men altogether), that I continue to think all men are dogs, which I don’t. Obviously I was very frustrated at the time I wrote, and mostly just venting.

    For the record, he did call me back about six weeks after he told me he was getting back with an ex girlfriend. I did start seeing him again and we were together up until about two weeks ago. When I have time I will write about that and what has happened since then.

    1. 27.1

      What? I thought you said you weren’t going to do that? LOL.

  27. 28

    I want to add to Sanya’s comment about sleeping with a guy on the second date. The virgin/whore dichotomy – that women are either respectable and relationship-worthy (virgins) or easy and untrustworthy (whores) – is something that all men have built into their DNA. Some see it in a black and white way, and some do not, but all men categorize women into these two categories to some extent, consciously or not.

    If you sleep with him easily, he assumes you sleep with everyone easily, and doesn’t see you as relationship material. And so even if you *feel* like having sex with him, you have to hold off. But you only want casual sex anyway? You don’t want a relationship? Fine. Hold out for 6-8 weeks and then start a casual relationship with him. He will have the potential to become a boyfriend because he doesn’t see you as trashy, and YOU can make the choice to keep him at a casual level if that’s what you want. Your dating karma and your self-respect are preserved.

    You will never, ever have that choice if you sleep with him too soon. It goes back to what Evan says about too much “being yourself”… if it isn’t working for you, you have to change it. It’s not about fair or not fair, it’s about cause and effect. You feel bad about yourself? Pretend you think you’re great. Be an actress – emulate someone you know who has great confidence. Fake it till you make it. You *are* a slut deep down inside? Me too, girl, you have NO idea. But no man gets the benefit of my unleashed inner slut unless I’m in a relationship with him – a committed relationship in which he’s in love with me. Until then I bat my eyes at any sexual advances and say, “I barely know you, that isn’t something I do with just anyone!”

    Men are formulaic. Follow the formula, and you will get the desired result.


  28. pingback
  29. 29

    NO JUDGMENT HERE, but if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, take that at face value. Men are pretty simple, that way. And if he gives mixed signals, don’t take it as a sign of commitment. It is a fact that women tend to get emotionally attached once they have sex, but guys don’t. Most of the time. (We won’t cover the subject of cougars, here). Therefore, getting intimate right off the bat will more often than not end in heartbreak. The guy was just following his biological imperative to spread the seed (and you let him), but the woman was following her biological imperative to nest (and he didn’t let you). That being said: I have had two long relationships (several years long) which started with very early intimacy, so rules can be broken. The difference, though, is that the guy made clear early on that he wanted to be serious and manogamous.

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