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He’s your age.
He’s fit.
He’s passionate about his work and makes a good living.
He texts you every day and calls you almost every night.
He refers to you as his girlfriend.
He tells you he loves you after only 3 months together.
He’s already talking about vacation plans for next year.
Sounds nice, huh?
I’ll bet that if you think about having a man like this in your life, it would bring a great big smile to your face.
Then again, if you had such a man in your life, you probably wouldn’t be reading this; you’d be off drinking pina coladas in Cabo. ☺
So believe me when I tell you that men like this really do exist.
Career men aren’t home for 5pm dinner, especially if they’re not living with you.
One of the women in my Inner Circle is currently dating one.
And, believe it or not, she is doing everything in her power to break up with him.
That’s right.
Debbie, from my Inner Circle, is quite a catch and I’m thrilled to work with her.
And although I only hinted at one side of the story to make a point, there IS another side. I’ll let Debbie explain herself:
At three months of dating, my boyfriend Sam is completely fine with seeing each other once during the week and every other weekend when I don’t have my son.
Right now, that might be acceptable but I know that at six months or a year I would want more time together. I know he dated someone with a kid for about a year, moving in at six months and it got to be too much for him, he moved out, moved back in, then eventually broke up with her. This makes me think that although he says he wants to be in a relationship and does want someone to go on trips with, etc, he may in fact value his freedom more.
Honestly I don’t see the point in continuing to date this guy for six months or a year knowing that eventually we will not be on the same page with respect to spending time together.
Do you agree I should cut my losses now instead of doing it at six months or a year, or are my expectations too high and I would run into this with anyone I dated?
Thanks!
Debbie
Debbie’s questions about their long-term compatibility are real.
Her fear, however, isn’t serving her well. In fact, it’s more likely to drive Sam away.
Allow me to explain.
First of all, Debbie has already acknowledged that everything this guy does is virtually perfect. He treats her like gold, he follows up consistently, and she always knows where she stands emotionally with him.
As a woman, you know how very rare and important that is.
Her complaints are a) she doesn’t see him enough b) he seems content with that.
Yet part of the reason she doesn’t see him enough is because both he and she are hard-working, 6-figure earners with jobs that take close to 50 hours a week.
Debbie loves his mind, she loves his passion, she appreciates that he has money — she just wishes he could spend more time with her. Sorry, doesn’t work that way.
Career men aren’t home for 5pm dinner, especially if they’re not living with you.
Not to mention the other main reason they don’t see each other more is because Debbie has a son and Sam doesn’t. And after three months, it doesn’t make any sense that Sam would be fully integrated into her life with her son.
My question to Debbie was this: what exactly COULD Sam do differently given his work hours and her custody situation?
She wasn’t quite sure. All she knows is that she’s looking for signs.
When Sam goes out with a guy friend to listen to music, it’s a sign.
When Sam texts her and says he loves her but he’s tired and has nothing to say, it’s a sign.
When Sam tells her about how he had fun doing something without her, it’s a sign.
Do you ever look for signs like this?
Do you ever try to find fault with the man in your life, despite the fact that you know he’s good to the core and doing the best he can?
Do you think that you should be the center of his universe even though he’s only known you for a few weeks or months — because it makes YOU feel better?
If so, you’re in for a rude awakening.
The man you want to be with DOESN’T make you the center of the universe.
You know who does?
The creepy stalker guy makes you the center of his universe.
The lonely divorced or widowed guy makes you the center of his universe.
The socially awkward guy who has no friends makes you the center of his universe.
You’ve dated these men before and how did you like it?
It’s like he didn’t exist before you came into the picture.
You never meet his friends. You never meet his family.
He’s obsessed with you, calls you ten times a day, and declares his love after a week.
Not to mention that he’s insanely jealous.
Whether you’re hanging out with your girlfriends, hanging out with your ex-boyfriend or away on business and have no time to talk, he freaks out if he’s not involved.
How does it feel to be involved with that guy?
Instead of trying to read the future — and spending all of your time discussing “us” and “where we’re going” — the best way to get a man to want to be with you is to play it cool.
Once the rush of flattery is gone, how long before his attention becomes oppressive and weird? How long before you break up with him to find a guy who has a life, who has self-esteem, who treats you well, but doesn’t obsess over you?
Because if you’d be inclined to break up with that man, I can assure you that Sam will be inclined to break up with Debbie if she keeps up her desire to be the center of the universe.
You WANT a man who has a life.
You WANT a man who enjoys the company of men.
You WANT a man who treats you well every second he can.
And since you CAN’T know the future — whether or not you get married is a story that will take another year or two to write — ALL you can do is continue to enjoy the here and now.
This is one of the most important lessons from Why He Disappeared: The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever.
Instead of trying to read the future — and spending all of your time discussing “us” and “where we’re going” — the best way to get a man to want to be with you is to play it cool. To lean back and let him win you over with his efforts. To be fun and easygoing and nurturing and appreciative.
The more you dissect his every move as a “sign” that you should “cut your losses” the more likely you are to drive him batty and force him to choose someone who accepts his daily calls, texts, and declarations of love for what they are — signs that he’s not going anywhere.
If you’ve identified with any of Debbie’s normal insecurities, I understand. Enough disappearing men will make you wary of any new relationship.
But the answer isn’t to force him to cut off his guy friends, quit his job, and promise to marry you after a few months.
The answer is to be sure that he’s treating you the way you deserve to be treated.
If he is, trust that he’s doing the best that he can, and that the longer he stays with you, the deeper in love he’s going to fall.
EMK,
Excellent article. I agree one hundred percent. I do not want a guy making me the center of his universe, any more than I plan to make a guy the center of mine. I value my independence and my boyfriend does too. I’m not interested in rushing into marriage again anytime soon, after my nasty experience with marriage and after all the horror stories I keep hearing about people cheating on each other, walking out for no good reason, etc. I’d prefer to take a good long time dating, getting to feel each other out slowly, and making pretty darn sure that my boyfriend really is the real deal before I even think of the possibility of forever with him.
Debbie just needs to watch and see what happens. If the guy makes no real move to spend more time with her after 6 months to a year, then maybe she’d have more concerns. Besides, why would she want a guy to get so involved with her and her son, too soon? This guy could be another disappearing act and it’s better to take it slow and let the guy show his true character over time. Take it from someone who’s been there and done that.
I tend to think that for relationships to evolve organically, flexibility is required from the beginning, and I think it is important to avoid getting into a set routine of “once a week and every other weekend” early on if that is not something you would want to continue longterm. Its natural for couples to spend less time together to start with and evolve towards merging more of their lives as time goes on, but this is best achieved by varying the times and occasions when you see each other to be comfortable in different settings, rather than getting into a rut then suddenly demanding to “take it up a notch”. Debbies could address this situation hrself right now by being more flexible herself in the times she makes herslef available – for instance, arranging to be child free two weekends in a row and seeing what happens, or getting a sitter on different nights of the week rather than “we always see each other on wednesdays as 7.30” which I suspect is what may be happening at the moment. Debbies’s comments make it sound as though its her boyfriend who is imposing these strict limits on when they see each other, wheras his perception may be that that is the only time she is free. Folks with children are often more rigid than they realise in being available for dates, always raising the childcare issue evey time you want to see them. Yes, childcare may be an issue, but you don’t need to constantly mention it – that’s your issue to resolve, no need to constantly go on about it to your partner! Test the water by creating some random, unexpected availablity, suggesting a few different times and activities and seeing how he responds – this in nothing to do with moving in togeather and all about being interested in and enjoying BEING together.
Hi Evan,
I want to quick point out that a lot of your bullet-points for the “guy who treats you as the center of the universe” also are tendencies exhibited by abusers. I know this is a blog about dating, but I think it’s important to know the warning signs!
(and no, not necessarily are all men who do these things abusers… some might just be awkward, immature in relationships, or on the rebound etc)
Getting together with a really nice guy like Sam once or twice during the week & every second weekend would suit me fine right now.
If Debbie doesn’t want Sam, I’ll more than happily take him off her hands… 😉
I hate when women say that in comments. You sound like a man stealer. Get your own boyfriend! LOL
This is a gray one. On the one hand, after 3 months, 1/week and every other weekend is a bit lean. On the other, with careers and kids, it may be realistic for now. This guy could be a slow mover, or he could be EU (Emotionally Unavailable). Only time will tell. Since he’s so great in other ways, give it at least 6 months, then reassess. If it hasn’t changed, ask for more time together. If he can’t oblige, move on. The fear should be a sign to watch and see what happens, not something to sabotage you.
Angie (3): While I agree that a man who makes a woman the center of his universe may be an abuser or very possessive, that list doesn’t sound like that kind of man – it sounds like a man in love.
i’ve got another way to look at this guy given the last experience i had with a guy. the last guy i was with was like this. he called every day, he slept with me every night, told me that i was the love of his life etc. after he left me for another women, i found out that he’d cheated on his ex-wife and was chasing other women behind my back. when we were together, he’d leave me and come back to me (because he couldn’t deal with his emotions), until he found somebody that he felt more “comfortable” with than me. then he still tried to have sex with me until i cut him off. so after reflecting for 9 months, there’s another type of guy – a type of guy that this guy could be. he tells debbie what he thinks she needs to hear so that she stays with him so that he can use her as an emotional crutch and as guarenteed sex a couple of times per week. but when they’re not together, he knows he’s attractive to other women or just a charmer, so he’s always looking to trade up or take other sexual offers from women who come his way in the meantime. because it’s all about getting his needs met. and because he’s selfish and needy and emotionally unstable and unable to stick around when the going gets a bit hard (like he did with the chick he was with before debbie), he’s going to bolt at the first sign of responsibility or not getting the relationship exactly how he wants it, and he’s gonna make sure he’s got backup. and if he doesn’t, he’ll come and go from debbie until he finally does find greener pastures, and debbie won’t know what hit her. she’ll realise that he wasn’t the person she thought he was (he was the illusion that he made her think he was through lies and manipulation). she’ll be licking her wounds, wishing she’d trusted her instincts, vowing to never be used like that again 🙂
You’re spot on there. That’s how sick some of these idiots can be. Move from one woman to another, without even breaking things off first with their current partner… selfish and manipulative liars. It frustrates me that they can get away with it and leave a trail of destruction, and no one says anything about it. They just move onto the next unsuspecting victim. 🙁
i wanted to add to my previous comment about the type of guy this guy could be: debbie won’t see that he’s emotionally unable to handle situations that get a bit too hard for him. because in order to get what he wants (an emotional crutch and guarenteed sex with minimal responsibility), he’ll be super cool, calm and collected – calculating. because it’s all about keeping her exactly where he wants her. devoted to him so that she doesn’t go anywhere until he’s finished with her.
It seems that the OP is worried about something that doesn’t exist. I hope she doesn’t sabotage what appears to be a very promising relationship because of all of the “signs.”
It’s not really about the time; it’s about the commitment and intensity of the relationship. In fact, the number of times they’re meeting seems about right, considering how busy they are, the fact that she has a child, and that they’re not living together. I’ve been in a solid relationship where we only saw each other on weekends. The only feasible way we could have spent more time together was to move in together.
It sounds like Debbie is just really nervous and feels this guy might be too good to be true, so she’s looking for flaws right now to shield herself against potential future hurt. 3 months in? Don’t worry about it. Enjoy the new relationship without obsessing over where it’s going and what he might or might not do in the future.
That looking for flaws thing is uniquely a woman thing outside of a minority of men who do it. Women often second guess themselves. I saw a study that was done where they surveyed many Freshman, male and female at a diverse group of colleges and universities. One question asked how concerned they were that they may have made the wrong choice in schools. The vast majority of men were not concerned at all. The majority of women were. So it would not surprise me if women get their nerves all worked up when there is no need to. I often here it stated on blogs like this where women talk about the “negative voices,” in their head.
It’s hard enough finding something good without sabotaging it when you find something good..
Wow. We have what appears to be an absolutely wonderful man who is agreeable to having a relationship with a woman who has limited availability (as do most people) and yet the comments are already rolling in that the man might be abusive and that he is just manipulating her for sex.
OMG, he might be a serial killer too b/c one time, back at Band Camp, there was this lady…..
Hahaha omg thank you.
Hi Still Looking, Wasn’t referring to “Sam”.. was referring to someone who tries to lock down a relationship quickly and is completely in deep straight from the get-go.
Debbie needs to back off. This is a sign to Sam: RUN!!!!!
And THIS is why so many women are single. Relax and enjoy the here and now and do not get ahead of yourself.
My motto:
“It’s your relaxed attitude and the “space” that’s created when you psychologically “lean back” that will naturally pull a man to you and motivate him to grow more attached and attracted to you and spend more time.”
Another amazing article that just makes you sit and think for a moment, I love the way you make us look at the other side of the coin by putting ourselves in the same situation! Love that ! thanks again another lesson learned.
i just think that if sam was serious about debbie, he’d try to spend more time with her even on the weekends that she has the child. like sam could suggest that all of them do something fun together. but he’s already shown in his last relationship that living with a women with a child cramped his desire for his own time and what he wanted to do. so he bolted. i think he’s looking for a women who, like i said, gives him emotional support and sex (security) but also plenty of freedom to play the field by going out with friends and having fun without her. if he was into her, and in theory he should be at this early stage in their relationship, i don’t think he’d be so laid back about not seeing her that much. like i said, words are cheap (when he tells her he loves her but has nothing to say and that he’s tired). and his actions are certainly indicating that he’s just using her as a crutch. i just think that he’ll keep her as long as she doesn’t rock the boat and request too much of his time or committment. the cooler debbie is, the longer sam will use her as a crutch. evan talks about this all the time. we shouldn’t accept a lack of effort. sending texts and calling is a cheap effort compared to actually spending physical time with somebody … being physical available to somebody. 50 hours per week is only 10 hours per day. there are still many hours in the day to see each other and on the weekends that she has the child. i’m not suggesting that he spend all his time with her, of course. but there just doesn’t seem like enough integration at three months for somebody who is supposed to love you. i think love is demonstrated in actions and not in charming words.
I am in a very similar situation to Debbie at the moment, so I can relate.
I think the issue here is not whether he has good personal qualities (fit, passionate, makes good living, etc) or how he treats her (calling, texting, professing love, etc) and whether he makes her the centre of his universe, but how he treats her as a package deal with her son. The way I read Debbie’s letter is that her main concern is that since Sam has already backed off from one relationship where there was a child because it was “too much for him”, history will repeat itself. This is not only a valid concern, but absolutely critical and non-negotiable. She has a son and always will have him. She is a package deal. Sam either accepts her together with her son, or he doesn’t. If he does, there is potential (no guarantees of course!). If he doesn’t, that is a deal breaker.
Maybe we don’t have the full information here, but from her letter it sounds like they only see each other when she does not have her son around:
“my boyfriend Sam is completely fine with seeing each other once during the week and every other weekend when I don’t have my son”
As they both work long hours during the week, their time during the working week is restricted, but they stil see each other on the nights she does not have her son. That’s fine. What about the weekends when she does have her son? Does Sam not want to see her/them then? This would be a very bad sign and is all the information she would need to decide whether to break off the relationship.
“Not to mention the other main reason they don’t see each other more is because Debbie has a son and Sam doesn’t. And after three months, it doesn’t make any sense that Sam would be fully integrated into her life with her son.”
I agree that it doesn’t make sense to be fully integrated into her son’s life. But at 3 months, and calling her his girlfriend, and telling her he loves her, he should already be doing some activities and spending time together with Debbie and her son. Does he do that?
Until recently I was of the opinion than boyfriends and potential boyfriends should not be introduced to my son early on. Not until I know whether we are “serious about each other”. However, I completely changed my mind after I read Steve Harvey’s “Act Like A Lady – Think Like A Man”. His argument is ‘If He’s Meeting the Kids After You Decide He’s “the One,” It’s Too Late’. It is a bad idea for a woman to become emotionally involved with a man who may not fit well with her children. In fact it is a deal breaker. He explains the point of view of the man as well: if the man is serious about a relationship, he needs to be able to see upfront what he will be dealing with. Also, I have found it much easier to introduce men in a friendly neutral way as ‘a friend’, since at the beginning after 1-2 dates that’s all they are really, just like I would be introducing the next door neighbour. Neither of us know yet whether anything would develop between us, we are just friends, but after 1-2 dates I know if there is potential, but I am still not emotionally involved. And that’s the key.
Sorry about the double post. I just wanted to add to my second last paragraph about Sam doing activities with Debbie and her son. For example, she has her son for the full weekend, but Sam joins them part of the time, e.g for lunch or going to the park or going to the movies, etc. It might mean a sleepover is not appropriate, but seeing each other when both know sex is not going to happen is actually a very good thing for them to get to know each other in a different context.
@Leesa and Sacha 15 and 16 Does Debbie let him spend time with her son? I had a boyfriend who loved me intensely and called me his girlfriend. He was often suggesting activities we could all do together or do with his kids. I discouraged that several times because I did not want to expose my daughter to men coming in and out of her life, and after a while he gave up. Who and what we expose our children to is very sensitive, and messages sent regarding them are taken seriously by other parents. He is a parent too and took my unintended signals in the child arena very seriously and did not want to put me in the situation of always saying “no” around such a delicate topic, so he stopped asking.
In the end I had to make a point to invite him into our lives to involve him in family oriented activities or we never would have shared that.
SalsaQ #17 “Does Debbie let him spend time with her son?”
It is not stated explicitly, but reading between the lines of Debbie’s letter, sounds like she wants a serious relationship with Sam. That cannot happen without him spending time with her son.
I agree with you that anything involving children has to be handled sensitively and for any parent children are first priority. I would encourage you to read the book I referred to in #15 and you might change your mind (as I did) about “exposing your daughter to men coming in and out of her life” or at least it will give you a different perspective.
This is a problem of Debbie’s own creation. She compartmentalizes her life, and her guy is fine with that. And she’s upset that he’s fine with that?
Gimme a break.
First off, three months is not a lot of time spent together when both have busy careers and personal lives. It sounds like he’s acting in ways to show his interest and be a good guy, but he’s not throwing his whole life at Debbie. It also sounds like Debbie is being cautious about her own time and her son.
Things got off to a very slow start with my boyfriend. As a bachelor, he had filled almost every night with an activity and took those commitments seriously. He made time for me, but not as much as I wanted. As our relationship grew, I saw that he was continuing to book his week with activities. I knew these things were important to him, but I was starting to have doubts about if I were a priority in his life. Finally I said something about how much it bothered me and that I didn’t want to be a one-night a week/weekend girlfriend.
He said he had been waiting for me to express my needs. He had been in relationships where his whole life revolved around his ex and when they broke up, he had nothing to fill his time. I hadn’t been good about communication within the relationship and he wasn’t a mind reader. He kept some of his important activities, but dropped others and moved things around. We started exploring some activities together. It honestly took a bit of time and a lot of concerted effort for both of us to integrate the other into our busy lives.
Ever since then, we’ve been better about communicating our individual and couple time needs, which can change from week to week. I think Debbie owes it to herself and Sam to talk about how they spend their time together. She may be surprised by what he has to say.
I don’t totally agree with this article. Of course, based on the article, it’s hard to tell within only 3 months of where a relationship is going. However, I just broke up from a 1 year relationship that started out like that. I always suspected something was not right, despite he always said the right things, always had excuses about why he could not satisfy me more.
In the end, we broke up because he was not into the relationship as much as I was, and started seeing someone else. When I look back, there were many “signs”.
He gave me enough reassurance to keep the relationship going (plans about the future, meeting friends and family, calling every day..) But for some reason, I had a “gut feeling” that he was not in the relationship as I was. I just chose to ignore them and told myself everything was alright because I wanted to be a cool, confident, understanding girlfriend.
I think if I read the signs more accurately, I could of gone out of the situation much earlier. I think we woman have a accurate 6th sense, and should use it correctly. Like a saying, “if he loves you, you will know it; if he doesn’t love you, you will be confused”..I truly believe that.
Fluffilion,
How did you know that he was seeing someone else? Was he honest about it? Did he make future plans and tell you that he loves you, etc? I am asking these things because I’m in a smilier situation, where we’ve been together for 6 months, and I don’t want to waste another 6 months.
EMK this seems a polar opposite post to the woman who is too busy. This man seems like he’d be perfect for the busy woman.
The key is to figure out if it is her gut telling her these things or her fear. I agree 3 months is a short time, but I have found men will be more honest and forthcoming in the early months. We just need to listen without emotions.
Thank you so much for this post!! I feel such a relief now, cause I was right, though my friends were telling to push more or see that this is not going to last because he is busy doing his business, does not make me his priority.
What about if this is the situation after two years ?
@fluffilion: that’s precisely what i was talking about in my comments 6 and 7. they tell you what they think you need to hear to keep you on the hook … all the while, they are looking to trade up or fool around or both. they’re not committed. in fact, i just made a comment on another of evan’s blog posts (how to let go of my ex for good). i could almost call debbie’s guy a sociopath (based on her concerns). i recommend you google the name. i’m wondering if debbie or you can indentify any traits listed in “the profile of a sociopath” with these guys. i know i could before my ex left me for somebody else and i had the same concerns that debbie mentions in this post. he says all the right things but his actions tell the truth if you don’t make excuses for him (or if you don’t accept the excuses he makes for his lack of enthusiasm when he’s not in the sack with you).
Reading some of these comments make me feel a bit uncomfortable, 3 months is such a short time to be with, who is in effect a STRANGER! And what I see from the outside is that he is respecting her boundries, giving he space with her son. If after say a year you BOTH havent agreed to include family time then I feel this may be a cause for concern. But to be honest reading this and some of the comments I am feeling omg alot seems to be asked of people in a short space of time. I fear the rushing of a commitment makes you miss REALLY getting to know if you are both right for each other and enjoying the moment the time in getting to know someone afterall what advice would you give your grown up child/sister/friend in the same scenario??
I can totally relate to how Debbie feels. Especially what she said about “cutting her losses” by breaking up with him now, before he’s even done anything wrong. I’m two months into a great new relationship with a great guy and I can’t stop secretly doubting things in between dates. Not because he’s done anything wrong, but because I have a problem with faith after some disappointing past relationships.
It’s emotionally much easier in the short-term to “cut your losses”, to take control of the relationship even if it means ending it, rather than to deal with the scariness of an unknown future and a new boyfriend’s unspoken thoughts, wishes, and apprehensions. Certainly having a child (which I don’t) could magnify the anxiety even more. But in the long term, that doesn’t seem like a very open-hearted way to date, and while you might cut your losses, you aren’t likely to gain anything either.
I’m writing this more as advice to myself than anyone else, but I think at a certain point you have to decide to relax, enjoy the moment, and have a little faith in the guy because he has shown himself to be worthy of at least a little. It’s really all you can do.
That’s right. You might cut your losses by ending it early but you also might cut your gains and keep ending up with nothing, especially if he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Seriously she needs to calm down. You don’t judge a new person according to past behavior of another person. What she should be concerned with is that he has not handled a child in the mix previously. Either go all in and introduce him to the kid and see how he reacts and then decide or stop dating until your kid is 18!!!!! He sounds like he really likes her she needs to chill. It has only been 3 months. What happened to getting to know someone and not pushing for so much right away. NO ONE who is sane expects that. A man will high tail it out of there fast even if he REALLY likes a woman when she comes off that desperate and pathetic!!!
@ Scott, I agree, it is just three months,Debbie, you don’t no each other yet. I see my boyfriend three weekends monthly. For two years, I have my keys to his house. I’m working six nights five days. We spend all holidays together with his son. We respect each other, I let him know, when I’m about to go to his house. He let me know when his coming to me. We love us, and talk about the future together. I’m a old school woman, I’m not on his face all the time. We both quiet, but we do everything together. Cooking, sharing recipes, shopping for his furniture. He involves me in his life, family and friends. We calls, text, sext each other. I’m his queen, his my king. Leaving together doesn’t mean a thing. He listened to my problem and solves them or tell me how to do. He talks about me to his son, and friends, how good I am. His fine with my schedule. We know each other’s schedule. Relax Debbie, let him get to know you.
You sound just like me and my boyfriend. Been together 2 years, we see each other every single weekend, holiday, met each other’s family. We took it slow. First 6 months we saw each other one night a week; either a Fri or Sat, then after that we started spending entire weekends together and have ever since. To expect someone you’ve only known for 3 months to spend more time with you during the week and every weekend sounds like someone who is very clingy. You are still strangers in that amount of time; trying to get to know each other, how can you expect someone to treat you like a spouse when you’ve only known that person for 3 months!!! Take it easy is right. Hopefully as a little more time passes, you get closer and want to spend more time together; when your schedules allow. Most people work full-time and if you aren’t living together, it’s difficult to go back and forth to a person’s house mid week. Traffic is a nightmare where I live, so we just wait for the Thurs or Friday to get together. And we are always very happy to see each other when the weekend rolls around. We spend every minute together from Fri-Sunday – so Mon-Thurs is our down time! lol.
I totally agree with everything you said. And your relationship sounds just like mine. Been with boyfriend 2 years, we see spend every weekend together; consistently, but we didn’t start doing that til about a 6 months or more after we started dating. The first 3 months we only saw each other once a week; and I mean one night a week, not even the whole weekend back then! She needs to slow down or she’s going to scare him away. She’s sounding way too needy and clingy for only knowing him for 3 months.
@samantha. yes, reading back i agree i was way too rough with the way i personally worded my comments above. i didn’t realise how “angry” and rough my comments come accross. i was trying to figure out why when somebody tells me that they love me, i’d, and women from my country in general would expect a guy to behave a certain way. so in the country i live in, if a guy tells you that he loves you, he’s REALLY serious and generally spends all his spare time with you, even if he works 12 hours a day. but i was thinking that in the USA, there might be cultural differences in this respect. i guess for me i was personally touched by the point that he tells debbie he loves her and yet he doesn’t appear (from debbie’s comments) to even require/desire more time with her or want to talk to her (because he’s tired) when he’s not with her. that just doesn’t happen much in this country unless a guy is being dishonest and using a women – especially if he tells her he loves her. but i do agree that after 3 months, two people are still strangers to each other. but i think in general women get emotionally attached quite quickly when we’re sleeping with a guy (i might be wrong about this but i can’t really sleep with a guy regularly without getting emotionally attached), and if they’re also telling me that they love me … well, it’s hard to remember that we don’t know who they really are yet but we’re falling for them because of emotional attachment.
@Hope:
I completely agree with you. I am in a similar situation, I have been exclusively dating my bf for 2 months and it has been great. SO great. In my last relationship I went to hell and back. So now, I am actually living the “relationship” life I hoped for. I realize its early, I think thats why I too have doubts when we aren’t together or
Oops
or just the fact that I am in a different place in life, a changed person. I know I need to work on my confidence and faith in general. It all ties together and is a work in progress. It’s nice to hear that someone feels doubt too without any real reason from the other person.
I’d love to hear more “good situation” love stories that AREN’T too good to be true, because I think I might end up one of those down the road. (fingers crossed) 🙂
Anyone out there for inspiration?
I think it depends on what both parties are looking for in the relationship. If you aren’t on the same page and one wants a more committed relationship while the other prefers it to be a bit more casual then it won’t work out. I believe that’s a very important conversation to have with one another if you are at this fork in the road. Without talking about it you will never be happy with the outcome.
I’ve been in a similar relationship, seeing my boyfriend just on weekends but it has gone on for 5 years(we are both in our late 50’s now). His children have never met my children(they were older teenagers-mine, and his when we first met), and he has resisted this when I’ve asked. He works at a professional job over 50 hours a week, and now cares for his elderly parents who he moved back with. He tells me to be patient when I ask, or talk about the future. I feel that I can not wait another 5 years for this to continue, as I would like to be in a full time together relationship right now. This is a delicate issue, a person can be a great person, and you may try, but they may not want to change their lives, they are comfortable. I should add, that he does not have the best relationships with his daughters, and I give them gifts, but never complain when they have not reciprocated. People have to develop a bond, and not just for convenience sake . I’ve decided to think about this carefully, but I believe that it is time for me to call quits to this, and get into a real, full time loving relationship.
HA! I read this article and then said to myself …. I bet it was a man who wrote this!! And sure enough…there it was! A man trying to tell women what they should want and letting men off the hook for being jerks. Nope… A man should make you as much of a priority in a relationship as he does his work and friends. If he doesn’t then kick him to the curb. If you are not important enough to him after 3, 4, 5…months then you will never be important enough for him to make sacrifices for and he will take you for granted and you will be miserable.
People need to be present and active in a relatioship…not when it is simply convenient.
Well if he is telling her he loves her in this short amount of time but is not making more of a time commitment to her this seems contradictory to me. Yes 3 months is a short amount of time to say you love someone and I would be looking more closely at that. There is more to this than meets the eye. Not sure how old this couple is but could certainly have something to do with it.
Just my two cents.
I agree to a point. I depends on the situation. Did they know each other very well before they started dating? Many times, we know a person and would like to date them but the timing is never right. Then one day you are both single and go on a date. In such a situation, I can easily see them saying I Love You in 3 months or less. Or, if they have a lot of time to spend together and so for 3 months, they are hardly apart, and they really go out of their way to get to know each other, I can see them saying it. What might be missing still, is trust. But you can love somebody without yet knowing if you can trust them. In fact, as I recall, Evan didn’t fully trust his wife for the 1st 6 months of their marriage. One day, he realized she really was the right one for him, and wasn’t going to hurt him, and this was after they were married.
I think you can fall in love very quickly. Love is a decision. Something has to cause you to make the decision that you are in love with somebody. Sometimes, we may still be trying to get past being hurt, so we don’t allow ourselves to make that decision. The other person has to earn more of our trust before we let our guard down enough to allow love to grow.
I completely agree with you too, except that I am the same girl in the story. And while I tried hard to focus on the positives of my “good guy”… something still gnawed at me… I couldn’t get it to back down.
In my situation, the universe intervened and low and behold… my guy had more than one online profile up and was corresponding with women all over the place. Presenting himself to them as single, and using their flirtation to fluff himself. Instead of calling me, talking to me about whatever was missing in our relationship for him, and instead of making time to see me more.
So while I do think your advice is good up there, I think I’d ask this lady if she felt she couldn’t trust him and to investigate those feelings… (are they from her past, or does she not know where she stands with this man because he’s actually somehow been inconsistent?)
For me, I’d say to this lady: “What relationship needs of your own are not being met? Do you ask to see him more and he refuses? Do you feel like the time you do spend together is more fantasy than reality? Are you BUILDING anything or just fucking?”
I don’t actually know too many smart people who feel compelled to break up, when they actually should stay. That’s all I’m saying.
i disagree! this woman wants what she wants and i dont think i or anyone else should try to talk her out of it. this man she is with now has SOME good qualities that is for sure. but obviously she is not happy and wants what she wants. she should hunt for new and keep him until she finds what she is looking for.
Well this would not work for me and I don’t think that expecting to see a man more than once during the week and every other weekend means I want to be the center of his universe? I’ve dated men that go overboard and asking for every weekend is overboard for sure! When you ask what more could this man do I say make an effort to see the lady more during the week than one day. I’m sorry Evan but I’m a lawyer who bills 2500 hours a year and I have more than one night a week to see someone particularly if that means I have entire weekends free to work. And it does not need to be a whole involved thing it can be an hour of watching tv or something quick. The point you are missing here is the first three months of dating involve learning about each other and getting to know each other in my opinion this couple is not spending enough time together to get there. But honestly my opinion does not matter it’s hers. People have different levels of what type of togetherness they need. I’ve found that people that enjoy togetherness early generally do long term same goes for the opposite. Likewise people that are workaholics don’t usually change. It would be one thing if he was saying he wanted to see her more and could not due to her custody schedule he’s not. I think this is a mismatch. I agree that people can go overboard too early but that’s not what I see here. I think she will wait it out and still be unhappy. I’m fairly certain this mans not looking for a relationship and I’d venture a guess he’s seeing other women. Or if he is looking the type of relationship he wants is not what she does. They will be the married couple writing into you in 5 years where she sittings at home on weekends lonely while he works. Mismatch. As an aside in my last relationship I followed this advice. I was dating a guy for 3 months who would never spend weekends with me. In three months I got one Friday night and no Saturday’s. And it was a huge deal and after 70 days of dating. At first it was well I have family I go to my hometown to see, then it’s too early I need space etc. I followed this advice and I stepped back. He spent two or three days with me during the week and by all means was perfect. Well he had another girlfriend a weekend girlfriend a few hours away that he lived with a very serious girlfriend that I found out about. I’m just saying ..,,
Thanks all for the comments. I am life long single male. I am not anti-marriage and I do not have a list of “regulars” with whom to have sex. I just never married and never had kids. I do like my time though and that is hard to shed. I have been seeing a girl for about two months and we have been together every weekend when possible and one week night. My attitude is not to just “get what I can,” deliver false promises, or act as if something will be when I know it won’t; rather, I am simply trying to enjoy my time with her and assessing if I want anyone in my life long-term. It sounds cruel I know but that’s what dating is right? We evaluate from logical and sometimes illogical perspectives how and if this person fits into our lives. I simply want to have a fun with her because if we can’t even do that imagine how miserable we will be when we are old, on a million medications, and can barely walk? This relationship stuff should be fun and I treat it like a long movie and not a couple of frames of a movie. These things take time and honesty. Why rush? However, one should not ignore red flags in favor of an imagined love story.
Whoa. Thank you. We’ve been going out for 3 months, and there aren’t any I love you’s or boy/girlfriend titles. But otherwise I have the exact same thing happening right now.
Really, really glad I read this before cutting things off with a guy who’s actually pretty awesome.
Been with this guy for four years and when we first started dating he would see me every weekend. Now he says his kids are older and I get one day of his time. The other days he wants to be with his kids and family all the time and I feel he could care less about quality time with me and he would rather spend all his time off with his family they constantly call him and want him to go places. I am just going to not value the quality time anymore and just leave him alone. It hurts and it’s so frustrating. He could be around his family everyday and if he spends one day with me he will say I spent last Friday with you.
Love this article! Here is a woman whose got the world at her feet. More! More! As women why can’t we stop acting like “geedy” teenagers thinking love is about possession, especially since we’re in a free-spirited no responsibility zone. Debbie needs to let Sam see she has a life outside of him too. All men need space to simply “be.” Debbie needs to culture that life, focus on her son and Sam will appreciate her more for not being so need. Give me a Sam especially since I don’t need a man around all the time. My problem was allowing a long distance guy to keep snailing me back in his life via fb messenger with no effort to truly get with me, date me. If I didn’t have feelings for him none of this would matter. I clearly told him I felt “lead on” and ended his contact with me. No point in hurting me. I’d look up like a fool and he’d be announcing marrying someone. I want to be long gone and emotionally detached by then. Nope, not being any guys “go to” girl as they work out their relationship with other girls. Debbie seriously needs interest outside Sam. Hope she can manage to keep him. Best wishes Debbie!
The “kicker” is Sam well stated he wasn’t into kids. No doubt doesn’t want any of his own. In this flip side Debbie, yes! Exit this relationship and get a guy who can accept you and your kid. Men always do as we allow. Sam keeps hooking up with women who have kids knowing he is not into kids. On flip side,bDebbie ought let Sam go, get the guy who wants what she wants. Be patient, I say date around till she finds him.
Wow, in my life 3 months feels like 3 weeks. I can’t believe this woman is complaining that she only sees her boyfriend once during every week, and every other weekend and they’ve only been dating for 3 months! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and the first 3 months we only saw each other once a week; usually Fri or Saturday. After about 6 months we started spending the entire weekend together; every single weekend and we still do that. It works for us. We aren’t young though, we are both over 55. So getting together every single weekend at our age takes alot of stamina! lol