Does Dating A Single Dad Mean I Have to Do All the Heavy Lifting?

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I’m 36 and like kids. He’s been divorced for 6 years and has a 7-year-old daughter. He’s told me he prefers to date women with no kids as we have more free time. He has 50/50 custody. It’s been nearly two months since we have started dating each other. Because he’s a very involved father, we don’t get to see each other often, which I’m fine with; I wouldn’t even date him if he wasn’t an involved dad. Sometimes a few days will go by and I wouldn’t hear from him, and it seems lately I’ve been making all of the plans. Not sure if he’s just getting lazy or just so busy that me taking over all the planning is one less thing he has to worry about. He looks forward to us spending time together and we get along great. I feel really comfortable with him. Like I can be myself. But I’m not sure I want to be the one taking all the initiative? Is this what it’s like dating a single dad, or is it just THIS single dad?

Erin

Great question, Erin.

Your question isn’t specific to divorced dads but it is endemic to divorced dads.

Meaning: there are lots of men who will date you but are too passive, lazy, insecure, busy or ambivalent to be good boyfriends. There are just MORE who are single dads.

there are lots of men who will date you but are too passive, lazy, insecure, busy or ambivalent to be good boyfriends.

Why? Because single dads have a very valid built-in excuse for why their limited attention is all they can give. You can’t really argue with a guy who says he wants to be a good father.

Having never been a divorced father, I want to tread lightly. But, from my vantage point, if your guy is divorced for six years and has a 50/50 custody situation with a 7-year-old girl, he and his ex should have a pretty good rhythm that leaves him a reasonable amount of free time on either weekdays, weekends or every other week.

So it’s not that I don’t believe him — or any man — who has important parental obligations that come first, but rather, I believe my own rule about guys: “men do what they want.”

If he wants to call, he’ll call. If he wants to see you, he’ll see you.   If he wants to make plans with you, he’ll make plans with you. If he wants to commit to you, he’ll commit to you.

And if he doesn’t — if you’re the easygoing, patient, “I totally-understand-you’re-a-single-dad” woman who is not getting her relationship needs met, you need to tell him just that.

“Hey, Dan, it’s been fun getting to know you these past few months. I really enjoy our time together and appreciate how important it is for you to be a great father. However, I feel like I’m always the one taking the initiative to see you. It’s not like I’m keeping score or anything, but when I have to do all the reaching out, I don’t feel particularly valued or cherished. Do you think we figure out a way to set up a regular schedule when I can expect to hear from you and see you so that we can both get our needs met?

It’s not an insult. It’s not an attack. It’s an observation about your own feelings that give him an opportunity to either step up or step out.

This is who he is. This is what he’s able to offer.

Chances are, he’ll hear you, acknowledge you, and maybe even try to accommodate you, but I wouldn’t expect much to change. This is who he is. This is what he’s able to offer. It’s up to you, as CEO of your love life, to decide if he’s worth keeping around when you have to do all the heavy lifting. Personally, I think every woman is worthy of a man who makes an active effort to see her and I would hold out for no less.

 

 

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Clare

    I am especially qualified to comment on this post because I have been dating a divorced guy for the last 6 weeks, and things are going very well.

    The man I’m dating, however, texts or phones me every day. He does 99% of the initiating of contact; in fact, I think I have only initiated contact 2 or 3 times. He also does pretty much 100% of the setting up of time to see each other and making of plans.

    I give these details because I think this is a huge part of  why  our situation is going so well. Evan is absolutely right when he says that men do what they want to do and this is something I have particularly learned with the guy I am dating. A relationship works best when a man is making a consistent effort and doing a lot of the initiating. When you have to push him along or reach out too much, it means you are having to force things to an extent, and that simply does not work well. And it doesn’t work at all with an assertive, masculine man. Something I’ve learned is that the guy I’m dating really prefers to be the one driving the relationship – if he is not making something happen, he either doesn’t want it to happen or he has a very good reason for it.

    That said, there have been times when I have definitely had to be understanding where my guy’s kids are concerned. I will not offer too many details because I don’t want any significant part of this thread to be about me or my relationship, but as a woman with no children who has never really dated a man with children before, I have had to make some concessions and adjustments to my way of thinking. It is a totally different space to be in to date someone who has people in his life who mean a huge amount to him and who come before you do. It’s a shift in perception which I, and I think certainly most people without children, are not used to.

    The guy you’re dating  should  be a good, involved dad. But he should not make you feel like you come last and that you’re not worthy of his time and effort. I know how important my guy’s kids are to him, but he always makes me feel like I am  also  important (not first priority, but important enough).

    I offer my perspective because I don’t think the OP should settle for what she is getting. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but it just sounds like it’s a one-way street that is going to make her miserable in the end.

  2. 2
    Kell

    I agree with Clare,   having dated plenty of single Dad’s (and a single Mum of 2 myself) I’ve experienced more of the ‘only available on my own terms’ kind of guys than not.

    I have finally met a guy who initiates (more than I do), let’s me know his schedule with work and kids and sees me when time permits.   Mark’s advice is spot on,   let him know where you’re at.

  3. 3
    AndyK

    I agree with Evan. I’m a 50/50 dad myself and have been for nearly two years. Depending on where we are in the cycle it means I might need to plan a bit further ahead than “let’s meet tonight”, but I have no problems communicating and setting up dates.

  4. 4
    Elizabeth

    Like others, I call bullshit. The OP will only be disappointed in the end, I don’t care how nice this guy is…

    My boyfriend, father of 2, made me a priority from day one and did so without missing a beat with his visitation schedule.

    A man can use excuses for years, but in the end what you see is what you get. I accepted such lame excuses from my previous boyfriend – who wouldn’t, when a guy is being a “good dad” and prioritizing his kids? – but found out the hard way that I’d made the wrong choice after 6 years. That one abandoned me during a major crisis, during a week when he didn’t even have his kids! He was just incredibly selfish, and the kids were nothing but a convenient excuse all along. The worst part was by then, 6 years in, I really loved the kids. So I had to leave them too. (There be were other issues that led to this decision, but that was the last straw. It was heartbreaking, and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.)

    Do not do this to yourself, hunny. Do not waste time on those who don’t make you a priority. Get out now and find a man who makes sure you know you are important, no matter what!

  5. 5
    April H.

    I date a divorced dad with 50/50 custody and two kids. We’ve been together a year and a half.   This is my first time dating someone with kids, so I didn’t know what to expect. However, when he says he’s going to do things regarding us, he does them…without fail. While he may be a little more tired than I am (I don’t have kids but I am in school full-time) and I suggest a tad more of the “getting out of the routine” plans, he’s pretty on board with everything. If I find a way for us to get away to Cuba for a few days, he is quick to arrange everything with their mother, whom he has that “kid swap rhythm” with.

    Even with our jobs, him having custody of 2 boys, and me being a student and a homesteader, we’ve still gone and done a lot of things in our short time together. And sometimes doing nothing is really great, too. (Spectacular, actually!)

    So, I am going to have to agree with Evan. Men do what they want to do. Or rather, PEOPLE do what they want. If he wants to be with you, he’ll show it by his actions.   If he doesn’t, he’ll show it by his actions.

     

  6. 6
    Becky

    I remember my Divorced-Dad experience like it was yesterday. It was actually 21 years ago. And after that experience, I told myself, “no more Angel of Mercy” and “no more emotional re-hab.”

    I agree. A guy who wants to be a Good Dad is to be admired and supported. After all, “a child never asks to be born.” Me? Genuinely? I was appropriately supportive and took active interest in the troubling concerns he’d present — at his own pace. Wow. I guess I went forward thinking, “I’ll take the approach I would like if I were the parent.” Reserving judgements. Commentary only when recruited/asked. I remember a discussion when we were taking about daycare. I said, “Well, I’m sure if you asked a kid, ‘do you want to be cared for by a nanny or babysitter instead of a parent?’ that we’d know how the kid would likely answer.” The lead to a thoughtful and sensitive discussion. I listened. He was so “at odds” with how his failed marriage could affect his child.

    And then it happened. He went on a golf trip. He met a woman. He was madly in love. And I realized what I had morphed into being: a confessor; a friend. Over a breakfast meet up, he proceeded to tell me how wonderful this new woman was and how “she’s a lot like you!” (Said with genuine enthusiasm.) I brought a coffee cup up to my mouth…trembling in trying to do so. I put the cup down…and kindly said —

    “I am crazy about you. I always have been. But I cannot do this anymore. Can you please take me home?”

    He spent the remainder of the car drive exclaiming how he “didn’t know! I didn’t know.” And I just chuckled to myself thinking how much of a waste of time this had been — a way of buffering the hurt. I opened the car door and let myself out. I looked into the car and said, “I really hope you have a wonderful life. I really do!” And that was that. He would go on to a second gf and that would be the one with two more kids. I am childless. And they are divorced.

    The way I am CHOOSING to decide this, Evan? There are broken people. There just is. And while I can be a good friend, I’m not at all convinced I am supposed to her there to have their challenges (shortcomings?) suck the life out of me. There are broken people. Perhaps I am one, too? But at least, I did not convince myself to take on a loveless marriage. And a parting thought?

    I have a remarkable dog as a companion and myriad, MYRIAD good friends and neighbors. WHO KNEW that I would be doing this alone though?

    Thanks for this lovely opportunity to share thoughts. I am so very convinced that, somehow, I was supposed to help the divorced dad discover more about himself. Did I benefit vis-a-vis a lifelong match? Companionship? Nope. But gosh…he hasn’t either. And to that I say — “Wow.”

     

  7. 7
    Gala

    I have dated divorced dads almost exclusively since i turned 34. Just comes with the uhm, the age, right? And, as an aside, have just signed a lease with one who’s been my boyfriend for a year 😎 What the OP described is not at all normal, period, full stop. There are divorced dads like that but you have to simply weed them out. They are using their kids as an excuse and that’s that. Evan is right on the money.

    1. 7.1
      Clare

      For that matter, there are guys like that at every level and every stage of life.

      My (limited) experience of dating divorced guys (sample size 2) is that they are actually very loving and responsible, the good ones anyway. I often say that along with the downsides (possible trouble with the ex, custody issues, missed dates, child support payments etc.), there are quite a lot of emotional upsides. A dad knows what it is to be selfless, responsible, supportive, emotionally available and committed.

      In any case, that is what my current boyfriend is like (a dad of 2).

      Not making enough effort in a relationship is by  no means a single dad thing – any person really can exhibit this tendency. But the thing is to say no thanks to such people.

  8. 8
    Noone45

    His reasoning for dating child-free women should have been a huge clue to what you are dealing with. The opening salvo is hypocrisy. That hes a selfish dolt is not shocking lol.

    1. 8.1
      Elena

      I would argue with that. I prefer dating child free men and I don’t see it as selfish but rather practical.

      1. 8.1.1
        Noone45

        I’m not talking about people without kids preferring to date child free people. I’m talking about men with kids choosing to pretend they aren’t subject to the same dating rules as women with children. Having children narrows your dating pool substantially.   If those children have health issues, your dating pool is essentially nonexistent.   You cant get on your high horse when you have kids and pretend child free people should  lavish attention on you. I say this a mother of one child who is autistic.   The truth is most people aren’t looking for relationships,   they are looking for accommodating situations. This LW got sucked into that trap.

        1. sylvana

          I have to agree. He prefers to date women without children because they have more free time. So he wants what’s most convenient to him, expecting her to make sacrifices he does not want to or cannot make himself. Sounds like he wants not much more than a guaranteed lay whenever it’s convenient to him.

  9. 9
    Elena

    Erin,

    I also share 50/50 custody with my ex husband. We do week/week. And to be honest when my son is not with me I have so much free time I don’t know what to do with myself. And also I work full time and have hobbies. So no, your boyfriend does not have an excuse of not having time because of being a good dad. His is absolutely free 50% of his time. And how hard is it nowadays to drop a text and arrange a date?

     

     

  10. 10
    Becky

    I will jump in here again. A many can be so wracked with guilt/grief/confusion about his child being raised in a broken home, that he certainly can’t make himself available to you. Even though divorce is so COMMON nowaday, he may be so emotionally strained, if not, completely emotionally unavailable for you. He doesn’t know his own emotions fully. So he shuts down. Focuses on the kid — EVEN THOUGH he may be available for you 50% of the time. And…who wants to be with a guy who doesn’t even know himself and his emotional torment? Watch for excessive drinking and other foolish decisions in his life when he’s not “Daddy Time.” THEN he can perhaps “hold it together.” But when his ex has his child? Stupid behaviors can happen. And he certainly won’t be calling YOU, nor should you begin to THINK this many his the support and care you want/crave/desire/need.

  11. 11
    Selena

    If you were dating a man who didn’t have kids and after 2 months he started letting days go by without contact, stopped making plans leaving it up to you to do so…what would you think?

    I would think the guy was either losing interest in me, trying to keep me as an option while not moving forward, or both. Just because the fellow Erin’s dating  has  kids doesn’t mean he isn’t doing the same thing. Two months is a typical time frame   for someone who doesn’t want to move forward to pull back.

    I’ve read stories of how frustrating it can be for people who both have kids to date. Just because they don’t have full custody, doesn’t mean they can always be kid-free on the same days. I don’t think it’s necessarily hypocritical of him to prefer dating child free women – after 6 years divorced he may have found they are   easier to see more often. The fact that he’s not seeing Erin very often even though she’s child free and he is child free 50% of the time may be another tell that he’s not quite that into this.

     

  12. 12
    Stacy

    He’s just not that into you. End of story.Ironic that he wants to date a woman without kids because she has more time.

    1. 12.1
      Kai

      Exactly what I was thinking.

  13. 13
    Melissa

    I dated a man for 18 mos who claimed he wanted to marry me but couldn’t due to the needs and financial constraints of his 14 and 16 year old sons. He asked for me to wait until the kids were “launched” – at least three more years and we could marry then. He said this is what a responsible” Dad must do. Can I get your feedback? I eventually ended it because the financial situation kept getting worse, not better, as the kids demanded more and more and he refused to say no due to “divorce guilt”. He told me “you’ll never meet someone that loves you as much as me” when I left him but if someone loves you, don’t they find a way to marry you, despite $ and teenager drama? I felt like I was just there to comfort him when his kids werent around…

  14. 14
    Kai

    First I find it interesting or funny when someone with kids wants to only date someone with no kids. I’m a single mom of one and all I hear from men is “there’s so many single moms” and not in a nice way. I almost feel it’s unfair for me to even only want someone with no kids.

    But anyways I’m trying to understand why she should give him a chance to step up. You say if a man wants to do something then he’ll do it. If he wants to call he’ll call, etc. But it’s obvious he’s not doing that. I feel like her expressing herself is a waste of time. Am I wrong? I guess I want to know if the guy isn’t already doing these things that men say they would do if they were interested, ie calling, making plans, should we as women really give them that opportunity to step up?

    Being a single mom and also being single for the last 6 years I feel like he’s not that interested. Or interested enough to make the effort. He’s had years to balance the life as a single dad. He could step up and go right back to no effort.

    1. 14.1
      Julie

      Kai-Yes I totally understand. Believe me. I am now deleting and not being friends with any single dads. I think single parents should simply date other single parents and leave the dating pool open..I think its incredibly selfish to only want to date someone without kids. The woman without kids ONLY wants to date the man without kids.

      Its like oil and vinegar. They do not mix. Its two entirely differnt lifestyles and values.

      1. 14.1.1
        Kai

        No I think you mistaken my vent as something else. I think people should date and be interested in people they like and have the same goals and desires. i.e. kids. I don’t believe single parents should only date single parents, just like I don’t think white people should date only white people or black people should only date black people. People should align themselves with, again, people who share the same desires/goals/and fit into their preference. I’m a very successful single mom and would date a man with or without kids. If a man were to say he wants kids or more kids, at the current moment I don’t see myself having more kids, so I may not date that guy. Just like I wouldn’t date a party guy who wants to party every weekend. Date someone that fits you. I think you should have a seat and stop trying to speak for single parents and all men in the world, because you’re doing too much in the comments section.

  15. 15
    Julie

    Ladies-For a man to prefer (rather only want ) to date a woman without children is a hypocrite not practical. He want to be the priority in her life but refuses to put her as a top priority in his life. This is where I believe that single parents go wrong. These are adults. Even biblically the adults are the foundation of the marriage and the children are to view and respect the foundation. Obviously not their physical needs. The wife should be first in all things. Secondary should be the children except for physical needs. Women want and deserve to be the priority in a man’s life. When he has children of any age she will NEVER be his top priority. The children will ALWAYS come first in each and every situation. Single Parent don’t want to date other single parents for the same reasons that childfree people don’t want to date single parents.Here a perfect example. My girlfriend (childfree by choice) decide to date a single dad. She loved and cared for him. She made many sacrifices that I do not think a woman without children should make but she did it. They got married. Her dad dies the same day that his children have a school play. What did he do? He went to the kids play. What a selfish jerk to say the least. What he should have done was taken the children out of the play to attend to the wives (their loving step mother) dad’s funeral. What does that show the kids? Basically shows the kids that the entire world revolves around them. It shows them that their dad and subsequently them should disrespect their step mother. Let me ask. How self sacrificial should one woman be who made a lifestyle choice. He wasn’t like that before marriage. I thought that this would be an isolated incident but when I told other single parents this story they said that they too would have attended the child’s play. I asked why? Both responded “because that is my kids.” This is absolutely ridiculous to me. But as every childfree person knows that she will never be a priority in the wives lives. I cant live a life like that. I cant help financially support children only to have their father disrespect me. That was the what ended the relationship. I don’t believe that any woman/man without children should date a single parent. That is unless the woman/man is childless and could not have children. Childless-Someone who is lacking something and often times desperate to have a child. The individual would go to any means to have a child. Childree-No desire to procreate nor be a step parent, or adoptive parent, lifestyle choice. People make this choice for a variety of reasons and each reason should be respected. Everyone has a right to want what they want in life. I don’t believe that there is any age where a person has to settle for someone that is truly not what they want. At 34 there are an over abundance of men who do not have children. I meet them in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s plus. Even on dating sites I am cursed at and sent porn by single dad’s. You should see the hate mail. The reason for this is that I put down CHILDFREE. My though is that I am being kind as I do not want to waste anyone’s time when I have no interest and will not be a step parent. I don’t want to be involved with financial issues (many have bankrupsy cases, poor credit etc.) On many occasions I have offered to write dating profiles, be a surrogate girlfriend at a wedding, and even step in for a event where a mother should be. I have offered to be a good influence on his kids. No one I know would do such a thing. Yet what do I get for my help. Cursed at. Tell me what more can a person do to help a person who is relatively a stranger when they did not chose a lifestyle. I donate and volunteer with children but I have made a personal choice not to have my own children. They chose to be married and have children. I chose to live a childfree lifesyle. I completely agree with Evan, “Its up to you. As the CEO of your love life, to decide if he is worth keeping around when you have to be the one doing all of the heavy lifting. Personally, I think that every woman is worthy of a man who makes an active effort to see her and I would hold out for no less. I regret not putting myself out there more when I was younger. However, I cant go back. Its all or nothing for me. Otherwise, I would rather be single for life. I really don’t need a man. I am financially and emotionally secure with lots of family and friends. If the man of my dreams comes, wonderful and if he doesn’t that is ok too. I believe that there are lovely, beautiful single moms that single dads should go after and leave the childfree people in peace and dating pool open. This way childfree people who are in such a desire for marriage will know that there are many people who share the same vision. Thank you. Julie

    1. 15.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @Julie

      I would have made the same decision that your friend’s husband made. It is not about disrespect. It is about being there for one’s children. Most loving families would see the importance of being there to watch children to perform in a production for which they had exerted considerable effort (I have a daughter who performed in every school theatrical production from sixth grade through the end of her senior year). In attending that performance, her husband was meeting emotional needs of his children. It was a few hours of his time. However, you cannot see things from this point of view because people tend to be self-focused until they have children of their own. Children teach a person to be selfless.

      1. 15.1.1
        Julie

        Dear Yet another guy: See I totally believe it is a matter of disrespect. When I told the story to many people most single parents (dads) primarily saw it the same way as me. I was raised to put my husband before anyone. My parents are elderly and I would meet their needs first. However in a case such as this a death in the family superseeds a play. If a man can not put his wife as a priority (at least once in a while such as a case like this) then why marry? So it has nothing to do with being selfless. I believe it was cruel and absolutely ridiculous to put children “emotional needs” above his wife. That is why I wont date a man with kids of any age. I wont because there is no balance in the relationship at all. How much can one man expect a woman to do? She was supporting them financially as well. I imagine if they were together this selfless woman would have put them through college as well. She was financially secure, quite attractive and obviously out of her mind to marry this man. My parents have been married for 62 years and both agreed with me. My brother in law has been married for 35 years and agreed with me. I was raised to believe in “for better or for worse….” So basically her father (who he got along with) meant less then his kids play. That is appauling to me. Maybe its because I was raised very traditional and religious. From a biblical perspective its the husband and wife as the foundation for the marriage with children following. The kids will grow up one day and become adults with their own relationships. Its all about the kids. They have to learn that life is not all about them. So PLEASE if any single dad is reading this STOP contacting us on all of these dating sites. We are NOT interested. We would Prefer to be single. I am being introduced to two men in their 40’s who are single with NO kids. I am hoping one of them fits the bill. Somehow with a response like this I would prefer a 300 pound man with $1 in the bank. So now is my platform. Single Dad’s PLEASE STOP harassing us. There are beautiful and lovely single moms that you can date. Its NOT flattering anymore. When 45 out of 50 are single dads its upsetting.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          @Julie

          If that is the way you feel, then you are doing society a favor by remaining childless. Your parenting style would lead to children with a slew of emotional problems.

          In my humble opinion, your friend appears to be emotionally needy. Her husband did not miss her father’s funeral if he passed away the day of the play. He merely placed consoling his wife on hold to support his children. The fact that she placed her deceased father ahead of children for whom she supposedly cared tells me a lot about her capacity to love a child unconditionally, which makes her more of a stepmonster than a stepmother. Whether you like it or not, a parent will place his/her child’s needs first, especially when we are talking about something non-trivial like attending a performance in which children have invested a considerable amount of time. I seriously doubt that any man who was a good father would want another father to not be there for his children just because he passed away. That would be selfish beyond belief. Your family members sound like real pieces of work. Any person who believes that one’s parents are more important than one’s children does not deserve to be a parent.

    2. 15.2
      SparklingEmerald

      Julie said “They got married. Her dad dies the same day that his children have a school play. What did he do? He went to the kids play. What a selfish jerk to say the least. What he should have done was taken the children out of the play to attend to the wives (their loving step mother) dad’s funeral.”

      Hmmm pretty interesting that the funeral took place on the day he died. There is usually a gap of a few days. . .

      But back to your original point, sorry, I have to disagree. Depending on which role the kids had in the play, pulling them out of the play, could mean the play would have to be cancelled. So not only is it a sh***y thing to do his kids, but to the other kids in the play and their families as well. It means the WORLD to children to have their parents support them in their endeavors. My son is a grown man and a performing artist. He STILL looks for me in the audience when I go to see him perform. Not to sound cold, but the person who is dead isn’t going to notice who comes to the funeral. Kids will notice that their parents don’t come to their performance, and they will resent the hell out of step mom, if they get pulled at the last minute, possibly causing the play to be cancelled. I doubt that the families of the deceased are going to get upset that a non-related 2nd spouse cannot attend. Life is for the living.

      I will admit, it is a struggle to balance the need between parents and children, even in intact families. Each situation has to be evaluated individually. In your example, I would put the needs of the children first. If I were the step mother, I would not demand that my hubby pull his kids out of the play to attend my father’s funeral. In fact, I would not allow it.

  16. 16
    Julie

    I have dated one single parent for 9 months.Then I swore I would never do it again. 10 years later I tried it because of a long story. However, in this case it was even worse. The man did not have $100 to come visit every weekend. I could see where it was headed and despite his hopes I left the relationship to never enter another one with a single parent. I respect people who made bad choices and their lives ended up with problems that they are taking responsibility for. However, I do not believe that it is my responsibility to take on someone else’s bad decisions. One man told me that “it takes on a real man to step up and take on the responsibility of another man’s children.” However, many believes that a real man would not put himself in such a negative situation in the first place.

  17. 17
    Julie

    I mean most single dad’s saw the situation as you do. Which is why we are not interested.

  18. 18
    Julie

    I just cannot believe that a man would do such a horrible thing to his wife. Here is the response from a childfree man on a site on facebook. ” Last year I donated $15,000 to a children’s charity. Hey I like kids. I even work with them but it was my choice not to have them. “Single moms hunt me down because they figure that I have money to help support some man’s kids.”

    “I am not selfish. I could have used the $15,000 to fix a home.” “The single mom’s hunt me down.”
    Even though I have had a vasectomy. They still ask me if I am going to date a single mom or adopt.” “Its not for me. Listen, its so quick that they block me they can’t imagine anyone taking it to that extreme that I would rather be single then get involved with them.” “Not bad people just not a mix.” “I just got done explaining it to people.” “Just block them from now on.”

    1. 18.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @Julie

      The word “childless” is not a synonym for the term “childfree.” Childless is a state. Childfree is a decision. While all childfree people are childless, not all childless people are childfree. It is a difference between actively deciding not to have children (i.e., become “breeders” in the childfree vernacular) versus not finding the right partner with whom to have children. Furthermore, while volunteering to raise another man’s children may go against primal instinct, so does not wanting to procreate for the sake of not wanting to procreate,

  19. 19
    Becky

    Hey Julie. I wanted to register my opinion regarding that dilemma of the friend’s dad/kids’ play… OK. If I understand correctly, the parent died the day of the play — it was NOT the funeral, right? You are talking about a need to “constantly be by her side” at one of the most horrible days of her life, right? Well…I disagree how the departure of her husband for 2-3 hours for a (presumably locally performed) school play…could be seen as uncaring, insensitive of insulting to the wife? Having been thru the death of BOTH parents (Dad when I was 19 and Mom when I was age 39), there are MYRIAD decisions that happen and if other siblings or precious family members are part of the event…there is MUCH to experience and share as adults. Children? They’re still comprehending the world. I didn’t catch if these kids were grade school aged or high school. Regardless, the event of their stepmom’s parent dying will be valuable in a so-called ‘teachable moment” for these kids. Dad/Stepmom can show, “this is what we do when someone dies.” They talk about WHY they chose to go forward with the play; i.e., a diversion from sadness for the adults…the kids can understand how life circumstances can get in the way yet you will STILL have a responsbility to others…this is what I would hope happens should i have to unexpectedly die…yada-yada. At the time of BOTH parents’ deaths, I had no spouse nor even a boyfriend! I got thru it alone. It was strengthening. It was experiencing “this is how BAD ‘bad’ can get…” And as Nietzsche said (and Kelly Clarkson sang) “what doesn’t kill you makes you STRONGER.” Leading by example is the BEST thing we can do for our kids. Why? Because one day these little people will become the grown-ups in the dating field. To teach values, reasonings, logic, etc.? Invaluable. Perhaps you’re someone who hasn’t experienced the death of family member yet and the spectrum of STUFF that happens to “administrate” the passing and make decisions. The constant presence of a second-husband on the periphery? Not missed if he slips away to watch the kids present something they’ve been working on for days/weeks.

    1. 19.1
      Julie

      Becky, I was unable to edit my post. Yes it was two days after. I would comment to the two men below but my efforts would be fruitless. I appreciate you thoughtful words. It is an interesting perspective on it. Here is the way I was raised. I have two parents happily married for 62 years. I have 5 brothers and sisters who are all happily married for over 30 years. My parents are the foundation of the family dynamics. They did a great job. We all have a masters degree and two have Ph.d’s. My one brother owns 3 houses and the other retired with a thriving business at age 45. There were no drug nor alcoholic problems, nor teen pregnancies etc. i was raised to respect my parents. We as women were raised very strict. What I have seen in these single dads is individuals who raise their daughters to be irresponsible, disrespectful and promiscuous. We were not allowed to date till age 20. The doors were locket at 12:00 pm on the weekends. College was paid at 100% for and A, 75% for a B and C’s were not paid for. No excuses like “my professor does not like me.” It taught us respect. My parents worked very hard. So you get it right very strict. I find it appauling the way these single dads raise their daughters. They seem to coddle the children which is ridiculous. My friend who one of them basically called a monster was falling apart at the funeral. My father and brother had to hold her up. This has happen to many women when they have a very close families. The fact that the one individual stated that my girlfriend was a basically a monster who raised someone else’s children out of the goodness of her heart is a prime example of why childfree women will not date single dads. Their disrespectful nature of cursing and sending porn to women who respectfully decline them is just simply evident pointing out the obvious. They are not gentlemen and I don’t know any woman (childfree, childless or a single mom) who would be interested in them. I don’t know any woman that desperate for a member of the opposite sex. I gave the explanation of the difference between childfree and childless. Part of the reason I did not have kids is that I was not going to raise the girls like whores not allow them to curse in my presence. I think it would be a difficult task in this day and age as I would raise them in the same manner as my parents did. Since all of my brothers and sisters are happily married for 30 plus years. Two of my brothers each raised happy and well adjusted ladies I would follow my parents. They obviously did a good job. Do you know how we were treated? We were treated with the utmost dignity and respect and to never accept anything less then absolute respect from a man. Do you know why the single dads want to date childfree women and try hard to change our minds?. 1. We have financial security. 2. They tell us that “your shape is better then single moms.” 3. They want all the priority and attention on them and their kids but wont put us as a priority. 4. We do not have children to put through college. Actually my girlfriend. the monster put her nephew and niece through college with the same expectations as my parents. I think at the very least he could have had someone else go to the kids play. So basically a kid’s play is more important then a step mother’s funeral. Don’t agree. A few single parents said the same thing as me. These are disrespectful men who most likely do not treat any woman with dignity and respect. This is one reason why even single moms are not interested some of them. If someone does not see a man sending a $15,000 check to a children’s charity as selfless but him raising a child as selfless (his own child) then there is nothing I can do to help him. I also notice there was no response to my comment about the single dad’s who curse and send us porn. I have also noticed that there are many men who have vasectomies because they are responsible. Women who don’t believe in abortion despite being childfree. I don’t know if you are a single mom but I am going to tell you that childfree men are the absolute best men and most wonderful, compassionate men that you will ever meet. They will put a smile on a woman’s face for weeks. They are just completely different men and dating them is an entirely different experience. With the single dad (cursing ones, ones who send porn and men the the two on here) none of my friends would date a single dad even if he was the last single man on planet earth. I’m not taking a chance that there is one that is different from these winners. lol

  20. 20
    Julie

    Well its a Yet anther guy. “Your family members sound like real pieces of work. Any person who believes that one’s parents are more important than one’s children does not deserve to be a parent.”

    Let think about this: My shitty family members are all married over 30 plus years. You are divorced so who is the shitty person and lets ask why? When there is 5 successful family members who are all married over 30 plus years the numbers speak for themselves.

    End of discussion and any futther comments from me.

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