I’m a 35-Year-Old-Guy with No Relationship Experience. How Do I Let Women Know?

I'm over 35 and dating. One question I get asked a lot is about my past relationships.

The problem is, I haven't had any.

I've had one problem or head trip after another. I've also been a loner and a bit of nerd. I can honestly say that I am over all of that.

I know these women are asking me this question to screen me out, the way an employer would look at past work experience.

I know I am a sane, well-balanced guy who will be considerate, but I am afraid that if I am truthful before I get to know a woman I will get dumped by the second date.

Any advice on how to handle this question?

Robert

Dear Robert,

Among the most common advice given by relationship experts is this doozy:

“Just be yourself!”

Tell that to the guy who asks a first date if she likes anal sex. Or the woman who complains that all men are pigs before she’s even ordered her Caesar salad.

Encouraging these folks to be themselves is a crime against humanity. They’d be far more successful on dates if they were to try to be anybody else. Of course, these people never learn from their mistakes, since they never get any feedback. When others don’t return their calls, they assume that it’s the other person’s loss, and tell themselves others are crazy for not appreciating their “honesty” and “directness”.

“Hey, I’m just being MYSELF here. You don’t expect me to just LIE, do you?”

Uh, if not telling her that she looks fatter than her photo is a lie, then, yeah, lying’s not a bad idea.

Which is just a long way of saying, Robert, that full disclosure isn’t always the best idea. Listen, I’m not one to make dating sound like a series of job interviews, but if you think of each “interview” as a chance to make a strong first impression, you don’t go into an all-out confessional.

“Yeah, see that line on my resume that shows that I was employed at NorthStar Research in April ’97? That’s because my boss was a dick, who caught me surfing for porn during a sexual harassment training session. Plus, the job really sucked because he was always asking me to do stuff for him…. My greatest weakness? Probably that I’m lazy. And a stoner. A lazy stoner.”

This is not how to interview. We know this. But it doesn’t stop us from telling the whole truth on a date under the guise of “full disclosure”.

Dating has always been a perfect example of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and I’m always amazed when not everyone has read that same rulebook.

Dating has always been a perfect example of “don’t ask, don’t tell” and I’m always amazed when not everyone has read that same rulebook. Like when you go out with someone who says that she’s got another date tomorrow night. What good could POSSIBLY come out of me knowing that right now? Well, in her mind, she’s just telling the truth, letting me know that she’s got other options, perhaps informing me that she’s not that interested. But chances are, she’s not sending a message. She’s just being STUPID….

Join our conversation (44 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Steve

    Evan;

    I had a slightly hectic morning and the first paragraph of your answer gave me a GOOD laugh. Thank you!

  2. 2
    J

    I very much agree with your advice here, Evan. I don’t push others for personal details, but I know I tend to impart tmi sometimes – I think I do it because I somehow feel if they are going to decide you aren’t for them, you’d rather be left sooner than later. I do have a question for you and everyone out there – or maybe, just stating what I think and wondering if others think so too …

    Isn’t a date asking you about your past relationships on a first date, particularly if question is very specific or persistent, sort of in the same league as Full Disclosure from the get-go? I.e, a no-no. Seems like that is bad form on the askers part and something she (or he, as I have had that question tossed to me from square one by a couple of guys in the past also) should be saving for later as well?

  3. 3
    Selena

    Great advice from Evan.

    I don’t much care for the previous relationship interogation on first dates either–giving or receiving. “Do you have children? ” is appropriate, but details beyond that are not. Surely people can come up with other topics of conversation to get to know each other than detailed relationship resumes?

    And consider this: Anyone who’s on a date past age 18, and not a widow/er can honestly say about themselves, “I haven’t found the right person. ” “Yet.”

  4. 4
    Lisa

    The question of past relationships is an important one for us women, because nothing sucks more than falling for a guy, who later decides he’s just not ready for a relationship…or just isn’t a “relationship type person…is really just a loner.”
    Been there…done that, and had my heart broken.
    So men…before you start looking for a relationship…KNOW that you really want one.

    1. 4.1
      Donnie Reiter

      That’s a stupid question to ask a guy on a first date because that’s like asking may I have your checking account on a first date please . who asked that ??????

    2. 4.2
      Babs

      I don’t know what you mean by “us women”. I’m a woman and have little to no interest to talk about previous relationships; they are in the past for a reason. Once you’re getting to exclusivity and you know one another then yeah, go ahead and ask. But my past relationships are in the past and I’ve learned my lessons and it has nothing to do with the current relationship (except that I won’t repeat things I found didn’t work again!)

      1. 4.2.1
        Adam ishaq

        I like this response as a guy all I care for is woman I’m with and tomorrow.

  5. 5
    downtowngal

    Good advice, though I’d like to point out that there’s a difference from being yourself and being polished/refined/classy. Being yourself means not trying to be something or someone you’re not otherwise you’ll come across as phoney. The other has to do with behaviour.

  6. 6
    SteveP

    Evan’s exactly right here. You need to learn how to give the classic non-answer answer. Let your date get more comfortable with you before you drop something like that on them.

  7. 7
    Heather

    I think this advice could put the guy on the right track as long as the “story” he comes up with feels comfortable to him. Cuz if you feel like you have something major to hide and it gets awkward that could be.. awkward. I agree you could be straightforward while de-emphasizing the past adn refocusing on the date at hand. I would be more put off by later finding out a guy misled me (lied) than the fact he has not dated. In fact I have no problem dating guys who have not dated much…

  8. 8
    Lance

    It’s not lying, it’s flirting. (credit Mystery)
    You’re not being dodgy, you’re being playful.

    Neither of you has earned the right to play 20 questions on the first date. Keeps things flirty, fun, light, playful, sexy, and avoid all closets full of skeletons. If she asks about prior relationships (or lack thereof), simply dodge, as Evan suggested above. Those are good btw, I’m going to lift them.

    Also, project confidence and rock solid cool. YOU should be the one screening her, not the other way around. If she tests you in this way, simply be clever. Make sure you direct the flow of conversation. Flirt at all times. The first date is NOT really about getting to know each other, rather it’s about being fun and unique.

    If you make it to date 2,3,4 etc, then you’ll have to start getting into details. By this time, you should have established yourself as a fun, cool, sexy beast and that’ll trump most if not all skeletons.

    1. 8.1
      Ginny

      Interesting. I have found that unless you are immediately 100% comfortable with the other person it isn’t worth pursuing. The people you feel immediately at ease with are the ones to see again. The ones you need to strategically ask and answer questions around are not the ones to waste time on.

  9. 9
    Cindy

    I clicked on this one just to see how Evan was going to respond and as expected, he is right on!! I am a 45 yr old divorced woman who has been dating for the last three years after a 22yr marriage. When first dating, I did have certain criteria that if the man shared, I would be done with him. And he sure better be honest up front about all. Well, I have learned to be more gentle and understanding. And as long as he seems like a good guy and my intuition is not bothering me, I continue to go forward and get to know the person. Now I have looked past many things that I never would have in the beginning. And it’s because I stopped grilling the guy on the first few dates and gotten to know him as a person. A good person will learn from their prior mistakes, so it’s unfair to judge them on their past. My current and first serious boyfriend since my divorce, did not disclose several things about himself until after I knew him well and was in love. I was OK with all of it because of the way he told me and how he told me. He did the right thing for our relationship. If I would have known these things upfront, I don’t think I would have moved past the first few dates. So Robert I would follow Evan’s advice and actually practice some of your responses to those certain questions concerning prior relationships. If you are very successful in your career, I would do what Evan suggested; “You have dated casually but your career was more of your focus and you are realizing that now you want to put as much energy into finding the right woman for you!!” Something along those lines….good luck and most important….BE YOURSELF and BE FUN!!!

  10. 10
    Steve


    J wrote:
    Isn’t a date asking you about your past relationships on a first date, particularly if question is very specific or persistent, sort of in the same league as Full Disclosure from the get-go?

    I think it is at the least ironic since complaints about dates going on about their ex or other baggage is almost a cliche

  11. 11
    Steve


    Lisa Jan 31st 2008 at 01:43 pm 4
    The question of past relationships is an important one for us women, because nothing sucks more than falling for a guy, who later decides he’s just not ready for a relationship or just isn’t a relationship type person is really just a loner.
    Been there done that, and had my heart broken.
    So men before you start looking for a relationship KNOW that you really want one.

    I agree with the reasoning and I agree with why women ask this question. If people are still single past a certain age there is a reason why and usually it is not an endearing one.

    However, there are some freaks out there who actually do improve themselves and become more of a catch as they age. Older women do seem to be ready to try and convict a guy without a trial.

  12. 12
    J

    Think Lance’s post is apropos for both men and women, and certainly for Robert. It works for me at any rate.

  13. 13
    J

    Hi Robert : )

    When all is said and done, quality is still more important and more valuable, than quantity.

    Though still agree with Evan and the others that you be yourself, don’t disclose too soon (thereby possibly shooting yourself in the foot – very true for any of us that tell some things too soon, including me), and find the positives in who you are and what you have accomplished and become. Even, in what you haven’t done – like not having LTR.

    For example:
    Maybe you also have something of an advantage in that you don’t bring a lot of prior relationship baggage to the table?

    Best of luck to you! J

  14. 15
    hunter

    to Robert,

    …you are asking questions about the female species and behaviour, which I commend you for, and I encourage you to continue asking, go to single seminars, etc….(most men don’t know what they are doing, and we don’t ask)…….there are people with answers, that you want to hear, they are far and few, just keep asking……

    I believe relationships, for a man, are about being consciously aware,..about being informed,..

  15. 16
    Li-Ann

    I enjoyed Evan’s response to this one. Well written and to the point.

    Lisa said that the reason women need to ask questions is because they need to know certain things in advance, such as if a man is afraid of long term relationships. That way, a woman could avoid spending time on someone who is afraid of commitment. I can certainly empathize with that.

    However, let’s say a man just wants to date several women at once, and has no interest in a LTR. If that man was asked about his intentions on a first date, he is likely going to avoid a direct answer, change the subject, or lie.

    Men know most women want to hear that a man is interested in a long term relationship. Therefore, if he is interested in having the woman’s phone number as one option to call when he needs sex, he is going to make a LTR look like a possibility just to keep her interested. Telling her the honest truth such as “No, I find you attractive and would enjoy sleeping with you, but, I wouldn’t marry you. I’d like to be able to phone you for sex, should my other partners be unavailable, and hopefully you’ll be available upon short notice and make no further demands on my time.” How many women would be keen on that arrangement?

    Or, the man will answer in vague terms such as “some day” he would like to settle down. The overly hopeful woman will read that as meaning with her. He only means that, yes, theoretically “some day” he’d like to settle down, but not necessarily with her.

    I think it is better to carefully observe a man’s actions to try to find out his plans. Asking a direct question doesn’t guarantee that he’ll be truthful. Sure, men want to be truthful when they can, but sex is a powerful motivation to lie or stretch the truth. Although some men are honest about it, most men who want to get sex or companionship without strings attached know it is easier to be vague about their intentions, or outright lie.

  16. 17
    hunter

    to robert,

    …women are constantly testing, you, they will find out what they want to know…

    1. 17.1
      alone45

      She will find out and end it so quickly.

  17. 18
    hunter

    to Li-Ann,

    …a woman’s mind is built to follow a man…and I know women find this very frustrating….little do men know, that, we don’t have to lie, and, most of the time, we will still get our needs met. There are women, who think they can handle this situation….

  18. 19
    Lisa

    Li-Ann, you are so right. I’ve met quite a few men doing exactly what you describe. Even men tell me that “men are dogs.” They’ll lie or lead you on just for sex.
    Unfortunately sometimes its difficult to figure out who is for real, that they’re genuinely interested in me, or they’re just trying to get laid.
    But my latest relationship was going great until he decided out of the blue that he just didn’t want a relationship. And he truly hasn’t dated anyone since me. He said he thought he wanted a relationship, but found out he really didn’t want one. Some guys really don’t need companionship, sex, love. They can live without it. Not me, and it killed me that he could just end our relationship just like that.
    So I’d be VERY skeptical to date anyone like Robert, who has lived just fine all these yrs without a LTR. Sorry Robert, I wouldn’t believe you.

  19. 20
    hunter

    to lIsa,

    ..you are so right!….women that have been hurt, runover, used, abused, just recently out of a bad relationship,.., will not get into a LTR….some run from men, others get into the church activities, others, grandma it out….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *