(Video) How Do You Know When It’s a Match?

Do you have a checklist of qualities a man must have before you will date him?

In this final video, shot with my friends at Three Day Rule, I explain why this list impedes your chances of finding love.

Watch the video above and be sure to share your thoughts below.

Join our conversation (25 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    KK

    I like what you said about settling vs compromising. It’s so important I think teenagers should be taught this at an early age before they ever go on their first date.

    I also think it can go both ways. We think most people don’t want to compromise, but it’s just as important for people to realize when they are settling; not compromising. At the wise age of 24 (lol) I got in a relationship (that resulted in marriage) where I felt like I was compromising and thought I was so much more evolved than my friends. The truth is (in retrospect) I had settled.

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      I have noticed that for most of us (male and female daters),

      when someone like Evan or Kate suggest that we seek a different type of partner,

      we always assume that means different in looks.

      We associate looks with personality.

       

      It is hard for us to believe that if we have always dated someone who

      is a 8 in looks, and we are told to date

      a different type of person, that the “new” type of person could still be a 8 in

      looks, but just more giving, kinder, or patient.

       

      Most of us are taught by the media and society that looks and

      character are synonymous. I think the trick is

      to understand that dating a different type

      does not mean dating someone we have no attraction for.

       

      As far as knowing when it is a match, only time can answer that.

  2. 2
    Caroline

    I just wanted to thank (Kate?) the matchmaker for stating how important it is to date and be open to relationships that may not end up in marriage. It seems to me that some of the ladies who have commented on this blog have the ill conceived idea that they are wasting time if it doesn’t end in the ring on their finger. Maybe it’s just a stepping stone/learning experience to get you to a lasting relationship. I know it’s easier for me to think this way since I have been married and gave children. My heart goes out to women who want to attain these things and quite aren’t there yet. It’s kinda corny but it really is the journey. Enjoy where you are at today:)

    1. 2.1
      Christine

      Well said Caroline. As far as I’m concerned, people can do whatever they want with their lives–get married, don’t get married, casually date, whatever.  As long as both people involved are on the same page with each other and are getting their needs met, I think it’s fine.

      I think people clamor for a ring because they think it represents greater security.  However, I’ve come to realize that love is never guaranteed to last forever.  Even getting married doesn’t guarantee “forever” love (ask a divorced person!)  Since we can’t guarantee the future, I think you’re right that we can only enjoy the here and now.  “The past is history, the future’s a mystery–that’s why it’s called the present”

       

    2. 2.2
      Karl R

      Caroline said:

      “Maybe it’s just a stepping stone/learning experience to get you to a lasting relationship.”

       

      That’s another very good point.

      My first relationship taught me that I could be very good at relationships.

      My second relationship taught me that I still had a lot more to learn about relationships.

      My third relationship taught me that I didn’t have to put up with the level of crap that I did in my first two relationships.

       

      I even learned a lot from the first dates that went nowhere.  (Primarily, I learned how to stop being nervous on first dates.)  None of it was a waste of my time.

      1. 2.2.1
        Christine

        That’s true, that it’s those little stepping stones that eventually lead to love.  Once in a blue moon, there are those people who get lucky and get it right on their first try (I only know one couple like this, who met in junior high and then got married).  However, most people need a lot of trial and error to get it right!  I don’t even see my “errors” as a waste of time, because they taught me valuable lessons that I bring into my relationship with my boyfriend now.

  3. 3
    Karl R

    I thought Kate Edward’s point (from Three Day Rule), about taking the list of 40 items and distilling it down to what is really important, was one of the keys to making my search possible.

    If you want to do this yourself (without paying Three Day Rule to do it for you), then I can give some examples of how this works.

     

    A requirement expressed by some women on this blog:

    “I need a younger man who has the energy to keep up with me.”

    This easily distills down to:

    “I want a man who has the energy to keep up with me.”

    Karl R’s version:

    “I want a woman who can keep up with me … -or- who doesn’t mind if I keep going while she takes a break.”

     

    You can see how the distilled down version is easier to find than the original.  You can see how my version is easier still.

    I don’t need my wife to be able to climb the 287 steps to the top of the Scott Monument.  She was happy hanging out at the first level (1/4 of the way up), while I climbed to the top and got my best photos of the entire vacation.

     

    A requirement expressed by some women on this blog:

    “I need a man with a degree, so he’s my intellectual equal.”

    This easily distills down to:

    “I want a man who is my intellectual equal.”

    Karl R’s version:

    “I need a woman who is sufficiently intelligent that I respect her thoughts and opinions.”

     

    Again, each step distills the requirement down to what is fundamentally important.  In doing that, it also exponentially increases the number of people who meet that criterion.

     

    A requirement expressed by some women on this blog:

    “I need a man who shares my interests.”

    This easily distills down to:

    “I want a man who wants to spend time with me, doing the things I enjoy.”

    Karl R’s version:

    “I would like a woman who shares at least one of my interests (so we can spend some of our ‘hobby time’ as ‘together time’), and who doesn’t mind pursuing our other interests separately.”

     

    A requirement expressed by some women on this blog:

    “I need a man who is as financially successful as me, so he won’t be a drain on my financial resources.”

    This easily distills down to:

    “I need a man who doesn’t drain my financial resources.”

    Karl R’s version:

    “I want a woman who won’t drain my financial resources. If she is able to support herself on her income, regardless of how much or little that is, that is a significant indicator that she won’t be a financial drain.”

     

    This is something that many of you could do for yourself.  I gave four examples, but it can be applied to far more than these.

    And it’s not a one-time exercise.  I ended up further revising my own criteria over time based off of personal experience.

    1. 3.1
      Caroline

      Well said Karl-

      i might add in my personal experience about the hobbies-my guy plays golf. I don’t really enjoy it but I have enjoyed riding along at times, hitting buckets of balls at the range etc. I play tennis and he watches some of matches (claims it’s about the short skirt!).

      I also remember reading about couples who do housework together rate their relationships much higher in satisfaction who don’t.  So it apparently more important to dust while he vacuums or clip the shrubs while he mows than to divide the chores more traditionally. When my dad retired (many years ago) he starting washing up after dinner. He’s done it every night since. Mom still does most the cooking but it’s definitely teamwork.

    2. 3.2
      Christine

      Nicely put Karl–distilling requirements down to their essence can both meet your needs, while increasing the possibilities.

      Actually, if I strictly followed the shared interest requirement, I would end up marrying my gay best friend rather than my boyfriend.  But needless to say, that would be a foolish thing to do!  Even if he wasn’t gay, I still wouldn’t want to marry him.  He is an extreme neat freak who I can’t ever picture living with (I didn’t even want to be roommates with him back in school and got my own apartment.  He ended up hating every roommate he ever lived with–almost no one I know can live up to his extreme standard of cleanliness!)

       

    3. 3.3
      Fusee

      Amen, Karl R! (and so, so, so happy you’re back commenting here : )

  4. 4
    Christine

    I think all too often, people just look for great qualities that someone has independently–without thinking about how well those qualities will fit with their own.  It’d be like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle by just looking for a piece that looks great by itself, but doesn’t fit with the other pieces.  When I was still looking, I tried to really think about how well we’d function together as a couple–not just how great he seemed on paper (and then I met my boyfriend when I got smarter about what to look for)

     

    1. 4.1
      Caroline

      Christine-I stumbled into what I really need at long last.  I was definitely not as thoughtful about as you were but I knew it when I saw it:)

      Both my exes (married twice) were super outgoing, life of the party types; while I am quiet and introverted. My guy now is more similar to me in that respect. We get along so much better!  In fact, his ex was also super out going etc. I’m fact, he was helping me paint my living room one time and he goofed up. He was absolutely floored when all I said was laughingly was I guess you’re gonna have to fix that. He said little stuff always got blown into bigger stuff with his ex. I think both our exes were “full speed ahead” while we are both “lets enjoy the ride”. Am sure we both drive them bonkers!

      1. 4.1.1
        Karl R

        Caroline said:

        “He said little stuff always got blown into bigger stuff with his ex.”

         

        I have a couple ex-girlfriends like that, but both of them were somewhat introverted.  Therefore, I don’t think there’s a direct tie between those two traits.

        Evan posted an article once that suggested extrovert/introvert pairs are one of the few “opposites” that can get along rather well.

        When it comes to easy-going vs. volatile individuals, a couple where both are easy-going will have the smoothest relationship.  A couple where one is easy-going and one is volatile tends to be a bit more stressful.  If both partners are volatile, the relationship tends to explode … frequently and loudly.

        Simply put, being easy-going, laid-back, and don’t-sweat-the-small-stuff is an asset to every relationship … regardless of whether your partner shares that trait.

        1. Caroline

          Karl-I will have to look up that article. I’d like to learn from it. As to being ‘volatile’ -that describes my ex  very well. Being that he is an alcoholic-the alcohol helped ignite problems. I probably should revisit a book about personalities and how to better communicate with others (maybe a Gary Smally book?). I recall him using the term ‘sanguine’ and 3 others that escape me. The book would probably prove reflective.

        2. Buck25

          Karl,

          That extrovert/introvert pairing can work, but it can also be tricky. For example, I rarely do well with really introverted women (or they with me).  I’m a rather pronounced extrovert, and my best relationships  have been with extroverted women. I think a really outgoing, forceful personality sometimes can bring out the uptight side of someone who’s considerably more introverted. I’m not sure extrovert and volatile necessarily go together, any more than introvert and laid-back do; I’ve known introverts with ferocious tempers, and extroverts who were extremely laid-back

           

        3. Christine

          Well Caroline, don’t give me too much credit haha–I also made my fair share of mistakes along the way!  Like Karl, I kept refining my “list” of what I needed.  I finally got it right with my boyfriend.

          My boyfriend and I are both easygoing types, which is why I think we get along so well. He still marvels at how “easy” his relationship with me is, compared to his volatile exes.

          Karl, that certainly is an asset to not sweat small stuff.  This will sound silly, but his friend thought I was a “keeper” at a hot pot dinner just for not nagging him and my boyfriend about how they were cooking the soup. He also liked that I helped them by grabbing a large spoon and cooking the ingredients that were closest to me.

          Apparently when they tried to do this with their exes, they would nag and say they’re putting the ingredients in the wrong order, cooking it too long, not cooking it enough, etc.  I couldn’t help thinking, it’s just soup, not brain surgery!  As long as it ended up being edible I didn’t care how they cooked it–and it was easier for me to just cook what was closest to me, rather than expecting them to reach across the table to do it for me (it was a huge pot at a huge table, so it would have been quite a reach)

           

        4. Caroline

          Buck-I thought it very interesting and quite telling how we both viewed the negative in opposite personalities from our own. While being an introvert I viewed an extroverts over the top reaction to a situation as unreasonable. And Buck pointed out the unreasonable reaction some introverts may have to a situation as being uptight.

          It just shows how a relationship can be a balancing act and how important it is for there to be respect for each other’s sensibilities.

          I also wanted to point out that it would be a challenge for anyone (no matter their own personality) to get along with the extreme introvert or extreme extrovert.

          And I agree, that volatile/easy going aren’t exclusive to introvert or extrovert. Introverts can absolutely blow up when they’ve had too much especially from an insensitive partner. They usually react badly because being introverted they don’t always know how to express themselves well. Just like some extroverts basically blow up spewing venom when they can’t handle a personal problem well when they are usually well received in most matters.

  5. 5
    Elly Klein

    Beautifully put, Evan and Kate. Especially these parts:

    Kate: Mr/Ms Right doesn’t usually come in quite the package you’d expected, so you must keep an open mind and give people a chance if you truly want to find love.

    Evan: The difference between settling and compromising. You settle into misery by putting up with things you’re not really willing to put up with. You compromise your way into happiness because the compromises are well worth it for the goodies you’re getting.

    And let’s not forget, your partner is doing all of the above for you, too…

    Keep up the great work, guys,

    Elly Klein – Love U graduate, 2015

  6. 6
    Buck25

    @Caroline,

    Yep, relationships are indeed a balancing act; the ultimate balancing act, in some cases. The extrovert/introvert dimension is one case in point which you illustrated very nicely. It’s not an uncommon problem as the two personality types (usually the less extreme forms) are often attracted to each other. Sometimes, when neither partner is an extreme, they can balance each other easily and naturally. For me though, I find myself having to dial it down so much with a shy, introverted woman, that I’m, not comfortable myself. With someone less introverted, it becomes easier to calibrate

  7. 7
    Rebecca

    Karl R’s comment about not needing a partner to share all my interests reminds me very much of my first foray into online dating. I tried OKCupid but I kept saying that I didn’t care if a guy had the same traits I had and the software kept telling me if I kept marking things not important OKCupid would have no grounds on which to match me. That’s when I realized I really don’t want to date my clone and I joined a different site and wrote that in my profile.

    It was a challenge, though, narrowing down the millions of men on the site without having any hard and fast criteria. I mean, I have non-negotiables like a guy has to treat me respectfully, but you can’t sort for that on a site, so I ended up just having to take the time to get to know a ton of people.

  8. 8
    celebritydiscodave (www.)

    It`s precisely these expectations which make for the issues.  The greater the expectations the greater the self love, and the nearer that your “love” becomes to hate.  “Perfect” relationships only come with “perfect” empathy, and absolute humility.  Whether or not you want sex with a person is immaterial to love.  Even the search for a mate compromises the quality of the love which you can reasonably expect.  This is as consequence to your personal expectations.  That nature of love which comes with perfect empathy is unconditional by nature, and it exists on another level to merely having stuff in common.

  9. 9
    celebritydiscodave (www.)

    Rebecca

    I don`t believe the best road is via chasing after men.  Let them see you and then measure their response.  No physical contact for six months weeds out psychopaths, and likely 90% of men besides.  What you tend to be left with are those that have the most capacity in genuine love.  This all tking it that they fancy you of course.

    1. 9.1
      Fromkin

      Weed out 99% ? Wait 6 months? What problem in life are you trying to solve? It’s obviously not trying to go through life with someone.

       

      You know it’s a match when your kid is 8 and you still look forward to seeing the ball and chain at the end of the day. Up till then it’s a gamble.

  10. 10
    HappyCamper

    I actually had a hard time watching this because her body language is so awful. Why was she constantly trying to move back from Evan?

    You’d think a Matchmaker would be aware of the vibe she’s giving off.

  11. 11
    celebritydiscodave

    The problem is that there is very considerable risk to young women in the open market of relationships.  My suggestion does not weed out those men which are truly genuine.  The rest do n`t matter anyhow.

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