My Boyfriend of 8 Years Doesn’t Want to Move In with Me

Couple sitting on floor with boxes, moving day, top view


I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 8 years now. We have been talking about buying a house together for 3 years now and every time we see something, he backs out. Because of financial reasons he always says, but he can buy a house on his own. A few months ago, we both found a house we loved, until his mother got involved. He backed out again. Now all of a sudden, he isn’t ready to live together and wants to wait another year.

I don’t know what to do with this?


I hate this shit. I really do.

Just this morning, I was on the phone with a potential client, and I knew exactly how the rest of the hour would play out.

She’d tell me about a man she loves who is not making her happy.

I’d let her know that she should find another man.

She would explain that she didn’t come to me to break up, but rather, wanted me to fix her broken relationship with a selfish, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic man.

I’d tell her that the selfish, emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic man wasn’t changing and that if she ever wants to find lasting love, she needs to look forward, not try to repair things from the past that are way beyond her control.

She’d defend herself and defend her boyfriend and explain how it’s not that bad

I’d explain that women in happy relationships NEVER call dating coaches.

I’d further explain that in 15 years of doing this, I’ve NEVER had a woman come to me with a broken relationship and end up repairing it to live happily ever after. NEVER.

I’d then offer six months of Love U Masters Coaching so she can change her life right now and get the love, support, passion and comfort that only marriage can bring.

She’d then tell me she needs to “think about it” and figure out what to do with her objectively dissatisfying relationship and the boyfriend who will never be her husband.


Marina, your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you.

He doesn’t want to buy a house with you.

He doesn’t want to move in with you.

How do I know this if I’ve never met you or him?

I’ve NEVER had a woman come to me with a broken relationship and end up repairing it to live happily ever after. NEVER.

Because you’ve been with him for EIGHT YEARS and he hasn’t moved in with you, bought a house with you, or proposed to you.

So, my friend, per your question, there are two things you can do with this:

You can stay and wait for him to buy a house, move in and marry you.

Or you can come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want to do these things, dump him and find a man who does want to do these things with you.

You know what I’d tell you to do.

What are YOU going to do?

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  1. 1


  2. 2

    You can lead a horse to water…

    Change is hard and people would prefer not to do it. Perhaps the fear of the unknown is worse for some people than the toxic relationships they are in.

  3. 3
    No Name To Give

    It was time to move on 5 years ago.

  4. 4

    I had to smile at this, because it’s so obvious. I can’t say I haven’t been tricked by the same sort of man. I had to change my phone number because my ex boyfriend kept calling and saying he wanted to talk and he really did love me. (The other five times he did, he always backed out).

    Well, he found me through email and did the same old stuff all over again. I feel like Charlie Brown and Linus and the football. Thankfully, I’ve blocked him on email now, too.

  5. 5

    I’ve been following Evan so long I didn’t even have to finish the article before I knew what his answer would be. Thanks Evan…so true!

  6. 6

    Agreed with all here.   The key is to recognize EARLY ON what the deal is before you get in so deep you no longer have an accurate perspective and lose your power, then ACT on it, no matter how hard it is.   So much easier in beginning stages.   If you wait too long, it’s harder to get up the courage and strength, too many ways to go into denial, make excuses, slippery slope because so much is invested now then next thing you know, you gave this guy 8 years and could have spent that time with someone who really loves you.   It’s hard for many women to recognize and accept the “man they love” is a “high functioning” (no such thing btw) alcoholic, selfish, not really in love with them, “has issues”, “not the marrying type” etc.     I have a friend who, (after 20 years of marriage) is going through a horrific divorce from a truly awful man, has severe PTSD from this guy and on meds just to get through the day, and divorcing over issues she saw 2 MONTHS   into dating him? WTH?

    Be honest in the early stages and make a break when you know you have to, no matter how hard it is, because the longer you wait the harder it will be and then it’s 5, 10, 20 years of your life gone.   And that’s on you for not making the break when you had a chance.

  7. 7

    I’d just give him an ultimatum: there are 2 choices darling – Choice A – we move in together and get married, Choice B – we say each other good bye. And I’d give him a weeks deadline to decide.
    This ultimatum should have been presented to him at the end of year 2. But better later than never.
    And meanwhile waiting for his answer I’d prepare for a break up, there are lots of useful articles in internet how to survive a break up and recover as quick as possible.
    If after deadline passes there is no answer – than it’s Choice B.
    Good luck, just remember a concept of “The One” is a very wrong concept sold to us by fairy tales and stupid romantic comedies. There are hundreds of people out there with whom we are compatible and who can make us happy. If not thousands.

    1. 7.1

      I disagree. It’s been eight years. She needs to take decisive action. If she leaves now she can hold her head high. If she issues an ultimatum and it fails to bring about the desired outcome – which it will – she leaves having given away what power she has left. The split is inevitable but the recovery will be less painful by accepting reality and feeling stronger in her ability to judge a person.

  8. 8

    Sister find a house you love, buy it yourself and dump this loser!

  9. 9

    Agree with Red.   Her boyfriend doesn’t love her; he likes her, he likes the sex, he likes the convenience but that’s it.   What if he says yes to the ultimatum?   That could be worse; false hope and now she’s cut off any exit strategy.   She would be married to someone who does’t love her and now she’s really screwed.   He’s had 8 years to figure it out, he didn’t take the plunge, he didn’t do what would make her happy and jerked her around.   It’s clear he doesn’t respect her.   Not a good foundation for marriage.   It’s over.   Call it and move on; go out with your head held high.

  10. 10

    My bf did the same thing. I even had to move locations due to a lease and him and his parents helped me move! Years later.. The home he was solely living in, the owner’s son decided to move in after college. He had me thinking we were buying a house together and it was his decision after 4 years. I ran into his landlord and he said, “If it weren’t for me pushing him out, he wouldn’t ever had bought a house with you.” So yes, we eventually bought a house, but under a lie that he had decided to commit to move in with me. 3 years later, I caught him sexting a co-worker and then after further investigation realized he had an addiction to porn and cam sex. So, he had another life he was not wishing to share or give up. So, spare yourself and call this inability to welcome you into his life, a rejection to share his life with you. You might not want to see what he is hiding. You definitely don’t want to have to prove your worth or value to anybody. If it’s forced, there will be other troubles and heartache ahead.

  11. 11
    Melissa Hale

    I understand the need for marriage and commitment when wanting to start a family, but in the situation that both people are divorced with teenaged children, is it necessary to move in together or marry? I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and we both own our homes outright. We don’t want any more children. His youngest is 10 and mine 13, and we have 8 between us. He was going through a divorce when we first met and informed me he did not ever want to marry again and had valid reasons for it. I really didn’t think I cared at the time and didn’t know we would fall in love and become so close. Three years later he has not changed his mind about marriage, but anytime we discuss it he assures me that being married would not make him love me more or be more committed to me. I’m happy in the relationship until I read something like this that says men can’t love you without marrying you and makes me second guess myself. Am I being a fool or is it possible to have a “real”, lasting relationship with a man that doesn’t want marriage?

    1. 11.1

      Off topic: Yea, i don t understand that thinking either. Do you really need marriage to validate your love for each other? Is not legal union or cohabitation enough? Is not like you cannot break a marriage. I am talking about true and unconditional love, that is not the case here.

  12. 12
    Deborah A Cona-Overaker

    I’m in same situation.. but 13 years for me

  13. 13

    I’ve been engaged for two years (with him for 7 years) and we continue to live separately. The major setback to why we don’t live together or had future plans is because HE continues to let his mooching younger brother live with him. This causes major heartbreak for me knowing that I have talked and expressed that I want to live with him, but a few times he would tell me to just move in. As if I was going to move in with him and his brother. I am going through a lot because I did break off the engagement because he kept letting his brother take advantage of him and sadly, the problem with enabling family, became OUR relationship problem. It is not easy, but I wish I picked up on the red flags during the beginning of my 7-year relationship. Now I am living with a lot of heartbreak. Sidenote: The brother is healthy there is nothing wrong with him. He is just unmotivated and lazy. He is 28 and can easily go back and live with his parents, but he does not want to do that. He smokes weed, gets home late, and loves the freedom that my now ex-fiance gives him.

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