Hi Evan, I’m a 29 year old woman who grew up with fairy tales that says “someday my prince will come…” Well, I’m like Sleeping Beauty, happily sleeping. But I think someone set an alarm clock for me. Probably the biological clock. And it woke me up. Well, my prince must be lost somewhere out there. So, I decided I should go meet him halfway and I signed up with a matchmaking agency that set up dates for me. The first few didn’t go well. However, the 4th guy “sort of” asked me for a second date. Right after he said my arms are fat. He didn’t exactly ask me out, but he asked if I have any plans for the coming holiday. He said he wanted to go out to take photos, which is an activity we both have some interest in. Well, I wasn’t prepared to make it THAT easy for him. I still wanted him to ask properly. So, I asked him to call me when the time was nearer to confirm.
Do you go out with a guy who is tactless enough to tell you that your arms are fat on the first date? Of course you don’t.
Throughout the arranged date, I let him talk. I asked questions so that he knew I was listening, etc. I let him lead the conversation most of the time and as men usually are…he seemed to enjoy talking about himself. So, the coffee date lasted two and a half hours. I was smiling and trying to keep the date enjoyable even though he said my arms are fat. However, I really didn’t feel any chemistry with him. In fact, he’s really not the type for me. My question is, should I go out on the second date with this guy (if he asked properly) although I don’t really like him? My friend has a theory that says men like women who are attractive to other men. So, I was thinking if I start dating more, more men would probably come my way. In addition, I would like to learn how to interact with guys. So, even though I don’t like that guy who asked me out on a second date, He’s the only one who has asked me out on a second date! Should I go? Or should I just lose him?
Dear Shay, I’m quite sure readers know the answer to the question: do you go out with a guy who is tactless enough to tell you that your arms are fat on the first date? Of course you don’t. But our readers also know that I wouldn’t be writing you a response if there wasn’t a little more nuance to the answer, so here goes: First, good for you for taking your love life seriously at 29. Most women I meet only start after they hit 35, and find it even more difficult than you will. No matter what happens, your efforts to learn and grow and understand men will be rewarded. (BTW, if you’re 35+, please don’t get angry at me for pointing out that men prefer younger women, thereby making it more difficult for women 35+. That’s not a value judgment, it’s an observation.)
Second, this matchmaking agency set you up with a dick. Now, no one should be judged on a singular mistake. But then, I was supposing the mistake was talking about an ex or telling a dirty joke, not insulting you. “You have fat arms,”is no different than, “You’re boring,”or “You don’t look as good as your photo” It’s an insult, and not even a veiled one. So yeah, dump the loser.
If you’ve been waiting for Prince Charming and have decided to take a pro-active approach to your love life, you’re in for an eye-opening experience.
Except, Shay, you have a theory about being out with a man making you more attractive to other men. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on that, as most men aren’t trying to pick up women who are on date. But your second point is more valid: “I would like to learn how to interact with guys.”If you’ve been waiting for Prince Charming and have decided to take a pro-active approach to your love life, you’re in for an eye-opening experience. You’ve already got a taste of it. But the way I see it, if Dick is using you (and your “fat arms” for company when he’s got no one else to hang out with, you are well within your rights to use him to practice dating. My caveat is this: if being around him actually makes you feel bad, because he’s rude to you and doesn’t see your interactions as “dates” then, well, he’s useless as a dating experiment. Cut him loose. But the overarching idea, not about Dick, but for dating, in general: it’s okay to date someone who is merely Mr. Right Now, especially if he just sees you as Ms. Right Now. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.