Should I Go on a Second Date With a Guy I Don’t Like to Get Practice and Attract More Men?

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Hi Evan, I’m a 29 year old woman who grew up with fairy tales that says “someday my prince will come…” Well, I’m like Sleeping Beauty, happily sleeping. But I think someone set an alarm clock for me. Probably the biological clock. And it woke me up. Well, my prince must be lost somewhere out there. So, I decided I should go meet him halfway and I signed up with a matchmaking agency that set up dates for me. The first few didn’t go well. However, the 4th guy “sort of” asked me for a second date. Right after he said my arms are fat. He didn’t exactly ask me out, but he asked if I have any plans for the coming holiday. He said he wanted to go out to take photos, which is an activity we both have some interest in. Well, I wasn’t prepared to make it THAT easy for him. I still wanted him to ask properly. So, I asked him to call me when the time was nearer to confirm.

Do you go out with a guy who is tactless enough to tell you that your arms are fat on the first date? Of course you don’t.

Throughout the arranged date, I let him talk. I asked questions so that he knew I was listening, etc. I let him lead the conversation most of the time and as men usually are…he seemed to enjoy talking about himself. So, the coffee date lasted two and a half hours. I was smiling and trying to keep the date enjoyable even though he said my arms are fat. However, I really didn’t feel any chemistry with him. In fact, he’s really not the type for me. My question is, should I go out on the second date with this guy (if he asked properly) although I don’t really like him? My friend has a theory that says men like women who are attractive to other men. So, I was thinking if I start dating more, more men would probably come my way. In addition, I would like to learn how to interact with guys. So, even though I don’t like that guy who asked me out on a second date, He’s the only one who has asked me out on a second date! Should I go? Or should I just lose him?

Shay

Dear Shay, I’m quite sure readers know the answer to the question: do you go out with a guy who is tactless enough to tell you that your arms are fat on the first date? Of course you don’t. But our readers also know that I wouldn’t be writing you a response if there wasn’t a little more nuance to the answer, so here goes: First, good for you for taking your love life seriously at 29. Most women I meet only start after they hit 35, and find it even more difficult than you will. No matter what happens, your efforts to learn and grow and understand men will be rewarded. (BTW, if you’re 35+, please don’t get angry at me for pointing out that men prefer younger women, thereby making it more difficult for women 35+. That’s not a value judgment, it’s an observation.)

Second, this matchmaking agency set you up with a dick. Now, no one should be judged on a singular mistake. But then, I was supposing the mistake was talking about an ex or telling a dirty joke, not insulting you. “You have fat arms,”is no different than, “You’re boring,”or “You don’t look as good as your photo” It’s an insult, and not even a veiled one. So yeah, dump the loser.

If you’ve been waiting for Prince Charming and have decided to take a pro-active approach to your love life, you’re in for an eye-opening experience.

Except, Shay, you have a theory about being out with a man making you more attractive to other men. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on that, as most men aren’t trying to pick up women who are on date. But your second point is more valid: “I would like to learn how to interact with guys.”If you’ve been waiting for Prince Charming and have decided to take a pro-active approach to your love life, you’re in for an eye-opening experience. You’ve already got a taste of it. But the way I see it, if Dick is using you (and your “fat arms” for company when he’s got no one else to hang out with, you are well within your rights to use him to practice dating. My caveat is this: if being around him actually makes you feel bad, because he’s rude to you and doesn’t see your interactions as “dates” then, well, he’s useless as a dating experiment. Cut him loose. But the overarching idea, not about Dick, but for dating, in general: it’s okay to date someone who is merely Mr. Right Now, especially if he just sees you as Ms. Right Now. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Heather

    @Michael: I’ll admit I’ve become jaded beyond belief over dating at this point, but that’s the line the matchmaker’s use to get you to buy into their service. They tell you that there are quality people out there who are fed up with the singles scene or don’t have the time to look because they are very busy professionals, and then, after they get your money they set you up with guys who are clearly not that. One guy who contacted me through the service was a convicted felon! I believe those good but too busy people are out there but the matchmaking service just wasn’t sending them my way. I call it a scam because they do an interview with you initially, in the guise of a ‘background check’, find out how much money you make, credit you have, etc. then determine your ‘fee’ based on that information. I walked right into it, and I don’t want anyone else to make the same mistake.

  2. 22
    Marc

    I think we can all agree that this guy is a douche. But the real issue is why you’d even consider going out with him again. That says a lot about your self-esteem. Guys will be more attracted to you when you have the confidence to tell some shithead from a matchmaking service that mocking you is unacceptable and that you have no desire to be treated that way.
    Guys have no idea how many other guys you’ve dated or how many are chasing you, but we can tell if you’re secure and have a healthy self-image. That’s what will turn on the right guy.

  3. 23
    Curly Girl

    I do know a couple that met through a matchmaking service back in the late 90s, maybe. Odd thing: I’d worked with both of them separately at two different jobs, and then met them as a couple through mutual friends. You could have knocked me over with a feather when they told me how they’d met. Both were very nice, good people–nerdy, maybe, would be the way to describe them. No game.
    They both have said that the money they spent (maybe $3,000 each, at the time?) was absolutely worth it, and they’re really happy, it seems.

    But that’s the only good story I’ve ever heard about matchmakers. I’m sure there are many more negative ones–probably that the so-called “lonely hearts” (as they used to call the people to whom these services were advertised) don’t share.

  4. 24
    Jimmy

    Haha, I think you should go out on another date, if only to give him a taste of his own medicine. I admit I’ve been on dates where I know it’s not going anywhere to get practice. The key with dating is, don’t take it too seriously. Mind you, all my dates seem to end in disaster…hence I started a blog about them. Hmm, maybe I should come here for advice 🙂
    http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/

  5. 25
    Meli

    “My friend has a theory that says men like women who are attractive to other men.”

    I remember I read the results of this study from a university in the UK that concluded that a guy is more attractive to a woman when he is perceived as attractive to other women, i.e. he’s surrounded by women.. While for women is actually the opposite, a woman is perceived as less attractive to a guy if she’s surrounded by men. It wasn’t about the likeability of appraching, it was about rating someone more or less attractive. I don’t know about the methodology of this study, but for personal experience I can co-sign that.

  6. 26
    Meli

    Oh, and i think she shouldn’t go out this guy again. What is she going to learn anyway? To be mistreated and humilliated? To get comfortable and used to this kind of behavior? No, thanks. I think she can get ‘practice’ with much nicer guys. It’s been only the 4th date, after all, she shouldn’t settle so quickly!

  7. 27
    Erika Awakening

    Yes, but I wouldn’t say it’s “practice.” I would say that I enjoy connecting with people, and I don’t have an agenda for dates. For all I know, the guy could end up being a business partner someday, or I might be able to send a friend to him.
    The world is one big web of connection. When we drop our agendas, every connection is enjoyable. Who cares if it “goes somewhere”?

  8. 28
    Lance

    @Erika, love that attitude, I feel the same way. I also think that experience is invaluable for an inexperienced dater, so I’d recommend she continue the interaction if she thinks she can get something out of it and ALSO impart some value to the guy. It shouldn’t be an entirely one-sided exchange on her part.
    I’m a firm believer that the more dates you go on, the better equipped you are to identify what you want and how to get it.

  9. 29
    Shay

    Hey Evan, thanks for posting this up! I was surprised to see this. Haha…Thanks people for chipping in!

    Well, I did go on a date with this guy. Only because the activity he proposed was fun to me. Photography. It was our common interest.

    Anyway, I don’t feel bad about myself when I’m around him. Yes, I got fat arms. I know that. But I am also witty, funny, and generally nice to hang around with. So, nope…I don’t have a poor self esteem. 🙂

    Well, after that date, he quickly followed up with more suggestions for dates. But I refused. He thought we had chemistry. But the chemistry is only on his part. Not on my part. We have different lifestyles and expectations. So I don’t think I want to take up his time and put his hopes up.

    He got rather personal when I tried to explain why I don’t want to see him again. I told him that he is not what I’m looking for. However, he told me that I am what he was looking for. Totally a self-absorped idiot.

    Next, please. 😀

  10. 30
    Steve

    @Shay #29
    He got rather personal when I tried to explain why I don’t want to see him again.

    Well, if there was any doubt now it seems to be confirmed that this guy has some growing to do.

  11. 31
    downtowngal

    Shay #29, thanks for the update! Sounds like you’re on the right track.

  12. 32
    Nicole

    I say go for it! If you can stomach it….it's good to get a feel for it without being all worried about infatuation and caring about what he thinks. 
    It also helps you learn about yourself too…what you like and don't like, etc..

  13. 33
    judy

    He told you had fat arms? And you want to go out on a second date with him? Geez! No way.   In fact, if he had said that to me (I have thin arms) or any other insult, I think I would have just left the date early.
      
      
      

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