In September, I did a speaking engagement and discussed some of my favorite dating coach topics – chemistry, compatibility, online dating, overcoming rejection, understanding the opposite sex, etc.
This clip is taken from the Q&A portion of the evening. Naturally, I hijack the question and say a whole bunch of things that I really wanted to say during my main speech.
Oh, and yes, that IS the way my hair looks now. The wife likes it long and curly, so I keep it long and curly. Enjoy.
Evan, I agree with your wife: I REALLY like your hair now. I like the photo on your book in the last segment of this video.
How does your advice in this video jive with what Karl R. wrote in a previous post (I don’t remember which it was), in which he said that he likes it if a woman actively shows that she’s interested in him, instead of just being friendly and possibly playing “Rules”-style games? He mentioned that he is more likely to go for the one who shows interest in him. Several other men have commented similarly.
I don’t believe I’m the exception to the rule (as you point out in your video), but I initiated several things with the man who is now my husband of 9 years, and initiated things (successfully) with boyfriends in the past. It mostly consisted of approaching them first, and later asking them to particular events or activities. Is it the MANNER of initiation that matters?
3
Sayanta
Helen-
My instinct says to agree with what you’re saying- but ask E.Jean seems to think differently. LOL I don’t know – I’m so confused. Check out the vids I posted at the very end of the recent “Evaluate your Relationship” post to see what I mean.
4
Helen
Sayanta: LOVE IT!!! 😀 I have never heard the Parable of the Lost Sheep being applied to men chasing women before! I only hear it in every Biblical context you can possibly imagine!
But I don’t agree with her. 🙂 There’s a way you can have your cake and eat it too. You CAN initiate contact with men; the most effective way to do it is to phrase it as though they were doing you a favor. In college, it was: “Will you help me with this problem set?” (I wasn’t faking dumb; I think I’m smart; I just really needed help in some cases.) “Will you help me move?” And here’s the classic, Sayanta (and this is how I got my husband): “May I join your Bible Study?”
I KID YOU NOT. Hence, I love the Parable of the Lost Sheep. And I’m not even religious anymore. 🙂
“Don’t do anything” is applicable AFTER you start dating and BEFORE you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You should never have to call, text, email, nudge or say “where is this relationship going?” If he wants you, he’ll do everything in his power to be your one and only.
But you can ABSOLUTELY be proactive in terms of meeting men. I suggest writing to men online. I suggest putting yourself in the position to be asked out by initiating conversation (Samantha Scholfield’s “Screw Cupid” is a cute new book that illustrates this effectively.)
And yes, it’s very much HOW you do it that makes a big difference. Most men don’t like to get hit on. We do, however, like it when you make it easier for us to hit on you… 🙂
6
Sayanta
helen-
What you’re saying makes sense- I think you should have your own column in Elle. 🙂 Now that I think of it, there was this dude I had a thing for in college, so I thought it would be cool to completely ignore him. Didn’t work. Just pissed him off.
I don’t think Bible Study would work for me, since I’m not Christian. Actually, I’d never heard of the Parable of Lost Sheep until now. 😀
7
Jennifer
Good message Evan, especially at the end. Now if we could only make finding the guy an easier endeavor!
8
Everett552
Evan, I just want to say I love your blogs, website and advice!
9
Dope
Nice video, and love the new haircut. Or should that be hair uncut? 🙂
10
Anisa
Sayanta, I guess that the dude was not at all into you anyway and/or you were not at all kind/polite to him. I guess that’s why your ignorance pissed him off.
I believe this “strategie” will only be succesfull with men who like you and/or to whom you are kind and friendly.
11
Sayanta
anisa- LOL. true- though, if he wasn’t into me, wouldn’t he have not cared whether I talk to him or not? oh well- he’s probably married now, so it doesn’t matter.
12
LeahB61
Thanks for the reminder Evan!
13
emily03
The one of a few pieces of advice my mother gave me regarding men was: Men don’t do what they do not want to do.
So simple. Knowing this has saved me a lot of heartache. I’ll take it further and say it’s also good advice for me to live by as well. I try to live this way and be that way in my relationships . An ex said he really appreciated that I took this approach. Thanks Mom!
14
Jennifer
@Sayanta #11- you never know, you could try looking him up on Facebook
15
Sayanta
#14-
Don’t remember his last name- guess I wasn’t that into him after all. 😀
16
Jennifer
@15- LOL…guess not!
17
Anette C
But but but…..
……Arrrghhhh!!! Do I have to be that passive? My old roommate, met a woman at a party. She walked up to him, looked him in the eye and said “you can do anything you want to me tonight”….
….he married her….lol!! (Okay not that night of course)
I’m either not understanding this advice, or I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit. Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time? Organize the dates? come up with nice things to give you etc etc.
I presume you don’t mean “don’t do anything at all” so what am I missing? What or /when is it that we are supposed to not do anything?
Cheers
18
BeenThruTheWars
If only everyone who criticizes “The Rules” for promoting “game playing” would actually READ THE BOOKS, instead of watching that ancient Saturday Night Live spoof (“Get the ring!”) and thinking that’s all the approach is about. The Rules are about EXACTLY what Evan talks about in his brilliant Q&A response, which is the astonishing power of a woman’s “doing nothing.” Letting men take the lead, letting them make the phone calls, letting them do the asking out, letting them do the proposing. Isn’t that what Evan said? It’s what The Rules books say, too, and have been saying since they were published. Rules Girls know that “he doesn’t exist unless he’s calling and asking you out.” They wouldn’t dream of coming on to a stranger, or texting a man they’ve had coffee with once to say, “So how are you, when are we going out again?” That’s all The Rules are. Healthy, authentic, feminine behavior (yes, passivity, it’s not a dirty word!) designed to allow the man to keep coming forward, if that’s what he chooses to do. Combine that with a healthy dose of self-esteem to keep up one’s spirits while waiting for that golden man who will pursue, love, and want to commit to them. Women who follow The Rules in the spirit in which they are written do NOT go out of their way to make a man chase them. They set healthy boundaries, and unfortunately in these times, that can feel like “game playing” to men who are all about calling a woman last-minute hoping for a hookup. Just don’t knock something you don’t know well, is all I’m saying. It’s all common sense, and it all dovetails. Don’t take the man’s job away from him, ladies. And guys, don’t grumble when a woman you’re attracted to doesn’t fawn all over you. Because what do you do when she does that? Run, that’s what. It’s a sign of respect for your ability to know what to do when you meet someone you’re attracted to, who just might be “wife material” instead of a “good for now girl.” The man’s job is to offer to provide (a nice time on a date, for starters) and a woman’s job is to say yes, thank you (if she wants to go out with him), be gracious, look nice/smell nice/be nice, and then go about her life and see if he is interested enough to follow up. For that, The Rules get bashed mercilessly, and I’m sorry, I’m really tired of it. It wasn’t until I embraced “doing nothing” that I met my husband and converted a confirmed bachelor of 33 into the most loving partner any woman could ever want. Being with me was all his idea because, for once, I wasn’t doing the chasing. Try it; what have you got to lose except your loneliness?
I think the word we need to use is “receptive”, not passive. You can proactively go out and flirt with men, and even initiate contact online…but after that, let HIM do the work. He will reveal his level of interest in his efforts towards you.
I’m not talking about playing games or ignoring him – I’m talking about mirroring and responding to his calls/emails/texts, instead of reaching out on your own. I think it’s kind of foolproof for women.
If he calls, he likes you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nothing to agonize about.
20
Karl R
Annette C said: (#17) “I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit.”
I’ve learned three true statements about “rules”
1) Most rules work for most people, most of the time.
2) The rules should sometimes be broken.
3) You need to understand the rules in order to break them properly.
“Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time?”
Remember, it’s not all the time. It’s up until it becomes a serious relationship.
As a man, I expect to take the initiative on everything. If the woman occasionally asks me out, I see it as confirmation that she wants me to continue pushing the relationship ahead. (And I appreciate the confirmation.)
But as Evan said (#19, and elsewhere), you learn how interested the man is by the efforts he makes in taking the initiative. You learn nothing if you’re chasing him.
Dear Evan, I was a close follower of your blog for a couple of years, and bought two products along the way. Unfortunately, I have to say I’m no longer…
All relationships have conflict. The difference between a great relationship and a horrible one is how you manage that conflict. Listen to this very personal Love U Podcast where I share the one thing my wife and I always fight about – and how we’re using this as an opportunity to get even stronger.
"I have read it 10 times already, and keep revisiting it every time I begin to even hint at a moment’s insecurity."
Brilliant! Once you understand where men are coming from, which I would not have been able to do without the help of "Why He Disappeared," it is very simple! I have never felt so relaxed around him, he knows this and wants to spend more time with me. His choice!
"Thank you for what you do, Evan."
Here's the deal. I read your blog - I devour your newsletters. I've learned so much about men (and myself) through the process.
"Since working with you, I am happy, content, less anxious, more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, loving."
I learned from you something revelatory: men want to make women happy. Sometimes they don’t know how to do that, but my boyfriend really wants to make me happy…
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That was fun, thanks for sharing. 🙂
Evan, I agree with your wife: I REALLY like your hair now. I like the photo on your book in the last segment of this video.
How does your advice in this video jive with what Karl R. wrote in a previous post (I don’t remember which it was), in which he said that he likes it if a woman actively shows that she’s interested in him, instead of just being friendly and possibly playing “Rules”-style games? He mentioned that he is more likely to go for the one who shows interest in him. Several other men have commented similarly.
I don’t believe I’m the exception to the rule (as you point out in your video), but I initiated several things with the man who is now my husband of 9 years, and initiated things (successfully) with boyfriends in the past. It mostly consisted of approaching them first, and later asking them to particular events or activities. Is it the MANNER of initiation that matters?
Helen-
My instinct says to agree with what you’re saying- but ask E.Jean seems to think differently. LOL I don’t know – I’m so confused. Check out the vids I posted at the very end of the recent “Evaluate your Relationship” post to see what I mean.
Sayanta: LOVE IT!!! 😀 I have never heard the Parable of the Lost Sheep being applied to men chasing women before! I only hear it in every Biblical context you can possibly imagine!
But I don’t agree with her. 🙂 There’s a way you can have your cake and eat it too. You CAN initiate contact with men; the most effective way to do it is to phrase it as though they were doing you a favor. In college, it was: “Will you help me with this problem set?” (I wasn’t faking dumb; I think I’m smart; I just really needed help in some cases.) “Will you help me move?” And here’s the classic, Sayanta (and this is how I got my husband): “May I join your Bible Study?”
I KID YOU NOT. Hence, I love the Parable of the Lost Sheep. And I’m not even religious anymore. 🙂
“Don’t do anything” is applicable AFTER you start dating and BEFORE you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You should never have to call, text, email, nudge or say “where is this relationship going?” If he wants you, he’ll do everything in his power to be your one and only.
But you can ABSOLUTELY be proactive in terms of meeting men. I suggest writing to men online. I suggest putting yourself in the position to be asked out by initiating conversation (Samantha Scholfield’s “Screw Cupid” is a cute new book that illustrates this effectively.)
And yes, it’s very much HOW you do it that makes a big difference. Most men don’t like to get hit on. We do, however, like it when you make it easier for us to hit on you… 🙂
helen-
What you’re saying makes sense- I think you should have your own column in Elle. 🙂 Now that I think of it, there was this dude I had a thing for in college, so I thought it would be cool to completely ignore him. Didn’t work. Just pissed him off.
I don’t think Bible Study would work for me, since I’m not Christian. Actually, I’d never heard of the Parable of Lost Sheep until now. 😀
Good message Evan, especially at the end. Now if we could only make finding the guy an easier endeavor!
Evan, I just want to say I love your blogs, website and advice!
Nice video, and love the new haircut. Or should that be hair uncut? 🙂
Sayanta, I guess that the dude was not at all into you anyway and/or you were not at all kind/polite to him. I guess that’s why your ignorance pissed him off.
I believe this “strategie” will only be succesfull with men who like you and/or to whom you are kind and friendly.
anisa- LOL. true- though, if he wasn’t into me, wouldn’t he have not cared whether I talk to him or not? oh well- he’s probably married now, so it doesn’t matter.
Thanks for the reminder Evan!
The one of a few pieces of advice my mother gave me regarding men was: Men don’t do what they do not want to do.
So simple. Knowing this has saved me a lot of heartache. I’ll take it further and say it’s also good advice for me to live by as well. I try to live this way and be that way in my relationships . An ex said he really appreciated that I took this approach. Thanks Mom!
@Sayanta #11- you never know, you could try looking him up on Facebook
#14-
Don’t remember his last name- guess I wasn’t that into him after all. 😀
@15- LOL…guess not!
But but but…..
……Arrrghhhh!!! Do I have to be that passive? My old roommate, met a woman at a party. She walked up to him, looked him in the eye and said “you can do anything you want to me tonight”….
….he married her….lol!! (Okay not that night of course)
I’m either not understanding this advice, or I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit. Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time? Organize the dates? come up with nice things to give you etc etc.
I presume you don’t mean “don’t do anything at all” so what am I missing? What or /when is it that we are supposed to not do anything?
Cheers
If only everyone who criticizes “The Rules” for promoting “game playing” would actually READ THE BOOKS, instead of watching that ancient Saturday Night Live spoof (“Get the ring!”) and thinking that’s all the approach is about. The Rules are about EXACTLY what Evan talks about in his brilliant Q&A response, which is the astonishing power of a woman’s “doing nothing.” Letting men take the lead, letting them make the phone calls, letting them do the asking out, letting them do the proposing. Isn’t that what Evan said? It’s what The Rules books say, too, and have been saying since they were published. Rules Girls know that “he doesn’t exist unless he’s calling and asking you out.” They wouldn’t dream of coming on to a stranger, or texting a man they’ve had coffee with once to say, “So how are you, when are we going out again?” That’s all The Rules are. Healthy, authentic, feminine behavior (yes, passivity, it’s not a dirty word!) designed to allow the man to keep coming forward, if that’s what he chooses to do. Combine that with a healthy dose of self-esteem to keep up one’s spirits while waiting for that golden man who will pursue, love, and want to commit to them. Women who follow The Rules in the spirit in which they are written do NOT go out of their way to make a man chase them. They set healthy boundaries, and unfortunately in these times, that can feel like “game playing” to men who are all about calling a woman last-minute hoping for a hookup. Just don’t knock something you don’t know well, is all I’m saying. It’s all common sense, and it all dovetails. Don’t take the man’s job away from him, ladies. And guys, don’t grumble when a woman you’re attracted to doesn’t fawn all over you. Because what do you do when she does that? Run, that’s what. It’s a sign of respect for your ability to know what to do when you meet someone you’re attracted to, who just might be “wife material” instead of a “good for now girl.” The man’s job is to offer to provide (a nice time on a date, for starters) and a woman’s job is to say yes, thank you (if she wants to go out with him), be gracious, look nice/smell nice/be nice, and then go about her life and see if he is interested enough to follow up. For that, The Rules get bashed mercilessly, and I’m sorry, I’m really tired of it. It wasn’t until I embraced “doing nothing” that I met my husband and converted a confirmed bachelor of 33 into the most loving partner any woman could ever want. Being with me was all his idea because, for once, I wasn’t doing the chasing. Try it; what have you got to lose except your loneliness?
I think the word we need to use is “receptive”, not passive. You can proactively go out and flirt with men, and even initiate contact online…but after that, let HIM do the work. He will reveal his level of interest in his efforts towards you.
I’m not talking about playing games or ignoring him – I’m talking about mirroring and responding to his calls/emails/texts, instead of reaching out on your own. I think it’s kind of foolproof for women.
If he calls, he likes you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nothing to agonize about.
Annette C said: (#17)
“I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit.”
I’ve learned three true statements about “rules”
1) Most rules work for most people, most of the time.
2) The rules should sometimes be broken.
3) You need to understand the rules in order to break them properly.
“Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time?”
Remember, it’s not all the time. It’s up until it becomes a serious relationship.
As a man, I expect to take the initiative on everything. If the woman occasionally asks me out, I see it as confirmation that she wants me to continue pushing the relationship ahead. (And I appreciate the confirmation.)
But as Evan said (#19, and elsewhere), you learn how interested the man is by the efforts he makes in taking the initiative. You learn nothing if you’re chasing him.