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This clip is taken from the Q&A portion of the evening. Naturally, I hijack the question and say a whole bunch of things that I really wanted to say during my main speech.
Oh, and yes, that IS the way my hair looks now. The wife likes it long and curly, so I keep it long and curly. Enjoy.
Selena says
That was fun, thanks for sharing. 🙂
Helen says
Evan, I agree with your wife: I REALLY like your hair now. I like the photo on your book in the last segment of this video.
How does your advice in this video jive with what Karl R. wrote in a previous post (I don’t remember which it was), in which he said that he likes it if a woman actively shows that she’s interested in him, instead of just being friendly and possibly playing “Rules”-style games? He mentioned that he is more likely to go for the one who shows interest in him. Several other men have commented similarly.
I don’t believe I’m the exception to the rule (as you point out in your video), but I initiated several things with the man who is now my husband of 9 years, and initiated things (successfully) with boyfriends in the past. It mostly consisted of approaching them first, and later asking them to particular events or activities. Is it the MANNER of initiation that matters?
Sayanta says
Helen-
My instinct says to agree with what you’re saying- but ask E.Jean seems to think differently. LOL I don’t know – I’m so confused. Check out the vids I posted at the very end of the recent “Evaluate your Relationship” post to see what I mean.
Helen says
Sayanta: LOVE IT!!! 😀 I have never heard the Parable of the Lost Sheep being applied to men chasing women before! I only hear it in every Biblical context you can possibly imagine!
But I don’t agree with her. 🙂 There’s a way you can have your cake and eat it too. You CAN initiate contact with men; the most effective way to do it is to phrase it as though they were doing you a favor. In college, it was: “Will you help me with this problem set?” (I wasn’t faking dumb; I think I’m smart; I just really needed help in some cases.) “Will you help me move?” And here’s the classic, Sayanta (and this is how I got my husband): “May I join your Bible Study?”
I KID YOU NOT. Hence, I love the Parable of the Lost Sheep. And I’m not even religious anymore. 🙂
Evan Marc Katz says
“Don’t do anything” is applicable AFTER you start dating and BEFORE you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You should never have to call, text, email, nudge or say “where is this relationship going?” If he wants you, he’ll do everything in his power to be your one and only.
But you can ABSOLUTELY be proactive in terms of meeting men. I suggest writing to men online. I suggest putting yourself in the position to be asked out by initiating conversation (Samantha Scholfield’s “Screw Cupid” is a cute new book that illustrates this effectively.)
And yes, it’s very much HOW you do it that makes a big difference. Most men don’t like to get hit on. We do, however, like it when you make it easier for us to hit on you… 🙂
Sayanta says
helen-
What you’re saying makes sense- I think you should have your own column in Elle. 🙂 Now that I think of it, there was this dude I had a thing for in college, so I thought it would be cool to completely ignore him. Didn’t work. Just pissed him off.
I don’t think Bible Study would work for me, since I’m not Christian. Actually, I’d never heard of the Parable of Lost Sheep until now. 😀
Jennifer says
Good message Evan, especially at the end. Now if we could only make finding the guy an easier endeavor!
Everett552 says
Evan, I just want to say I love your blogs, website and advice!
Dope says
Nice video, and love the new haircut. Or should that be hair uncut? 🙂
Anisa says
Sayanta, I guess that the dude was not at all into you anyway and/or you were not at all kind/polite to him. I guess that’s why your ignorance pissed him off.
I believe this “strategie” will only be succesfull with men who like you and/or to whom you are kind and friendly.
Sayanta says
anisa- LOL. true- though, if he wasn’t into me, wouldn’t he have not cared whether I talk to him or not? oh well- he’s probably married now, so it doesn’t matter.
LeahB61 says
Thanks for the reminder Evan!
emily03 says
The one of a few pieces of advice my mother gave me regarding men was: Men don’t do what they do not want to do.
So simple. Knowing this has saved me a lot of heartache. I’ll take it further and say it’s also good advice for me to live by as well. I try to live this way and be that way in my relationships . An ex said he really appreciated that I took this approach. Thanks Mom!
Jennifer says
@Sayanta #11- you never know, you could try looking him up on Facebook
Sayanta says
#14-
Don’t remember his last name- guess I wasn’t that into him after all. 😀
Jennifer says
@15- LOL…guess not!
Anette C says
But but but…..
……Arrrghhhh!!! Do I have to be that passive? My old roommate, met a woman at a party. She walked up to him, looked him in the eye and said “you can do anything you want to me tonight”….
….he married her….lol!! (Okay not that night of course)
I’m either not understanding this advice, or I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit. Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time? Organize the dates? come up with nice things to give you etc etc.
I presume you don’t mean “don’t do anything at all” so what am I missing? What or /when is it that we are supposed to not do anything?
Cheers
BeenThruTheWars says
If only everyone who criticizes “The Rules” for promoting “game playing” would actually READ THE BOOKS, instead of watching that ancient Saturday Night Live spoof (“Get the ring!”) and thinking that’s all the approach is about. The Rules are about EXACTLY what Evan talks about in his brilliant Q&A response, which is the astonishing power of a woman’s “doing nothing.” Letting men take the lead, letting them make the phone calls, letting them do the asking out, letting them do the proposing. Isn’t that what Evan said? It’s what The Rules books say, too, and have been saying since they were published. Rules Girls know that “he doesn’t exist unless he’s calling and asking you out.” They wouldn’t dream of coming on to a stranger, or texting a man they’ve had coffee with once to say, “So how are you, when are we going out again?” That’s all The Rules are. Healthy, authentic, feminine behavior (yes, passivity, it’s not a dirty word!) designed to allow the man to keep coming forward, if that’s what he chooses to do. Combine that with a healthy dose of self-esteem to keep up one’s spirits while waiting for that golden man who will pursue, love, and want to commit to them. Women who follow The Rules in the spirit in which they are written do NOT go out of their way to make a man chase them. They set healthy boundaries, and unfortunately in these times, that can feel like “game playing” to men who are all about calling a woman last-minute hoping for a hookup. Just don’t knock something you don’t know well, is all I’m saying. It’s all common sense, and it all dovetails. Don’t take the man’s job away from him, ladies. And guys, don’t grumble when a woman you’re attracted to doesn’t fawn all over you. Because what do you do when she does that? Run, that’s what. It’s a sign of respect for your ability to know what to do when you meet someone you’re attracted to, who just might be “wife material” instead of a “good for now girl.” The man’s job is to offer to provide (a nice time on a date, for starters) and a woman’s job is to say yes, thank you (if she wants to go out with him), be gracious, look nice/smell nice/be nice, and then go about her life and see if he is interested enough to follow up. For that, The Rules get bashed mercilessly, and I’m sorry, I’m really tired of it. It wasn’t until I embraced “doing nothing” that I met my husband and converted a confirmed bachelor of 33 into the most loving partner any woman could ever want. Being with me was all his idea because, for once, I wasn’t doing the chasing. Try it; what have you got to lose except your loneliness?
Evan Marc Katz says
I think the word we need to use is “receptive”, not passive. You can proactively go out and flirt with men, and even initiate contact online…but after that, let HIM do the work. He will reveal his level of interest in his efforts towards you.
I’m not talking about playing games or ignoring him – I’m talking about mirroring and responding to his calls/emails/texts, instead of reaching out on your own. I think it’s kind of foolproof for women.
If he calls, he likes you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Nothing to agonize about.
Karl R says
Annette C said: (#17)
“I just seem to have come across a lot of exceptions to this little titbit.”
I’ve learned three true statements about “rules”
1) Most rules work for most people, most of the time.
2) The rules should sometimes be broken.
3) You need to understand the rules in order to break them properly.
“Don’t men get annoyed when they are expected to do everything all the time?”
Remember, it’s not all the time. It’s up until it becomes a serious relationship.
As a man, I expect to take the initiative on everything. If the woman occasionally asks me out, I see it as confirmation that she wants me to continue pushing the relationship ahead. (And I appreciate the confirmation.)
But as Evan said (#19, and elsewhere), you learn how interested the man is by the efforts he makes in taking the initiative. You learn nothing if you’re chasing him.
Roxstar says
Girls really do have it easy, don’t they? … Huh, maybe I should try thinking of it from the girls perspective more often.
But what if the guy doesn’t do that. What if he wants to, but he’s afraid of rejection? That’s why a lot of guys don’t do things in the first place, among other reasons.
-Roxstar
Sayanta says
#21- you really a rock star? I’ll give you my number. LOL LOL
downtowngal says
Well said, BTW #18!! The Rules are really about weeding out the BS.
For example, if a guy you like calls you to ask you out last minute and you’re not available and say, “would love to but I have plans…perhaps another time? this weeked?” If he really respects you he’ll make another date according to your schedule. If he’s like, oh well, fine lady you’ve missed your chance (or mistakenly takes this as a rejection), it’s a red flag, no matter how cute/smart/cool he is.
And Roxstar #21, I’ve heard this before from lots of guys. I’m sorry, but if you’re too afraid to take the risk you’re not ready for a relationship. The woman is rarely going to take the initiative. I can’t tell you how fraustrating it is to spend time talking to a great guy at a party only for him to NOT ask me for my number, or, if he does, not ask me out. Even if I give signals and tell him how much I’ve enjoyed talking to him, etc.
Just because the last gal rejected you doesn’t mean the next one will. These are the same guys who complain they can’t find a decent girl, they’re all married or psychos.
MeetMeinOtrSPce says
Well, it is still agonizing waiting to hear from a guy. Even though, I know what Evan says is true: to let the guy get in touch with you. All you have to do is be receptive and let him know you’re interested. I feel like it doesn’t make the process any less agonizing. I mean, if you ladies are like me, I get pretty excited about seeing a new guy. (They would never know this though.) It’s still depressing to go through the process of waiting to hear from a new guy or hear from him and get the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. That seems to be a popular let down phrase. As if I couldn’t possibly bare to handle whatever reason it is that they have. I think I would actually feel better if I heard some honest feedback like, “I just feel as though we didn’t connect like I thought we were going to… “, “I’m looking for someone that I have more in common with…” or something along those lines. I know that when it becomes my decision, I have the testicular fortitude(even though I’m not a man, haha.) to tell someone the truth in a polite way. I have to say, men can be quite ODD(for lack of a better description, or out of respect for that matter) when it comes to dating. They’re afraid to ask women out, afraid of rejection, can’t be honest about why things didn’t work. Hey, no one’s really asking, but be honest is all I’m saying. Sorry for the tangent, but what can I say? It happens. I do agree with Evan’s advice though. It worked for me! 😀
downtowngal says
MMIOS #24, I agree. But sometimes people aren’t forthcoming with why and you just have to move on.
I try to be forthcoming. Dated a guy once – went out on couple of dates, nice guy but I just wasn’t feeling it. So rather than not return his calls I told him honestly. He then followed up with me the next day to inquire further, I told him again, it was nothing he did/said, just didn’t want to string him along. He then went crazy on me, accusing me of nasty things.
Granted, this is an isolated incident. I really didn’t know the guy this well, but it goes to show that sometimes you just have to accept things and move on.
TimetoDateAgain.com says
Sometimes it’s hard to wrap around the idea that all women need to do is be themselves and do nothing. The best way, really, is to find something that we really love doing, meet interesting people and just enjoy life. Positivity attracts positive vibes. So, if we’re happy, we attract what is beautiful and happy.
So, enjoy!
MeetMeinOtrSPce says
downtown gal #25- yea I guess sometimes it’s better to leave it alone. It’s just too bad it has to be that way most of the time. I’m sorry that happened. That sounds pretty scary.
downtowngal says
MOSpce #27, yeah, but what can you do. Most of the time the guys appreciate my being forthcoming, even if it’s not what they want to hear – I treat them the same way I’d like to be treated. This was just one zinger.
was too bad, b/c all along I was thinking of a friend who would have been a better match for him than I, but based on his response he blew it.
paul says
I couldnt agree more with Evan, when a guy wants you he will do anything and everything to be with you, he will even endure you rejecting him a few times.
I am from the old school of thought and believe that a guy should make the move, when a woman is doing the chasing it can be a turn off for most guys as guys are hunters and chasers by nature.
So if he isnt hunting and chasing then maybe he isnt that interested.
twentysomething says
Evan,
I’m in a new relationship right now (we’re going on 4 months) he is a GREAT guy, I want to keep him. But as much as our relationship has progressed (we are exclusive/dating….not quite bf/gf) the lack of communication from his end drives me crazy! I know this has more to do with me than him (my insecurity that if he doesn’t text me once a day he’s through with me) but still….it drives me nuts. I want more. That said….I’m so not ready to give such a good man up! I guess i’ll try keeping me feet in the sand….
downtowngal says
TS #30, what’s the difference btw dating exclusively and “not quite bf/gf”?
Also, how often does he call/email/txt you?
Honestly I don’t think it’s you – if a guy is into you he should be contacting you regularly, and if something is missing you have every right to want more. That is, assuming you’re not expecting him to txt you EVERY minute of the day. And if you’re not getting it from him you should keep youself open to meeting new people.
Jimmy Nickel says
As a guy dating around in the big city, I think this is brilliant advice. All women should watch the clip twice.
Just remember, many singles guys will go after a woman who presents herself as an easy opportunity for sex. This condition can co-exist independently with the possibility that the guy really doesn’t even like the girl as a person! This is a concept hard for most women to internalize.
So remember ladies, DISCIPLINE. Do nothing. Don’t play hard to get and don’t play easy to get and you’ll know where he stands always.
twentysomething says
He doesn’t refer to me as his “girlfriend” to others when we are out in public, he just says my first name. But yeah – basically we get along fine when we are together, but when we aren’t I hardly hear from him. After 4 months I would expect a daily/nightly phone call or a text during the day saying “hows it going?”
Also – my big problem with this “do nothing” advice is 1) it drives me crazy and 2) a few guy friends have told me “guys are mind readers, if you want something more, you have to tell him”
How does that advice get reconciled with the do nothing advice, and taking whatever you can get?
downtowngal says
TS#33, one of Evan’s previous columns advised women that if you dont’ like how you’re being trated, then leave. In other words, guys respond to actions rather than words. True, this guy you’re dating doesn’t think there’s anything wrong because you’re still getting together with him – you’re responding positively to his actions so he takes this as an affirmation.
Try this – text time when he contacts you to go out, don’t respond. This will force him to understand how he’s treating you (because you’re doing the same to him), and I’ll bet he’ll be calling you all the time asking what’s up. At that point you can tell him.
You can try discussing this with him (be positive; for example, say, “I love hearing your voice even when you’re not beside me” rather than say “we have to talk”) and see how that goes. Problem is, many guys either take this as criticism or will listen/nod and still not change…in other words, it likely won’t be as effective.
I hate game playing and always took the direct approach, but I found it got me nowhere. In my experience, if a guy is into you, he’ll WANT to contact you regularly. Don’t waste your time w someone who’s not giving you what you want.
twentysomething says
Thanks Downtowngal. he actually called me last night after a logn day of meetings and then I saw him today. So I took the opportunity to say – “Babe you know how you called me last night after all your meetings, I would really like if the days we dont make plans to meet up that we talk at the end of the day…” I think it went over well! Hope that wasn’t too pushy….I’ll def have to wait a while to bring anything else serious with him. PLUS – i have his Christmas gift to smooth things over!
twentysomething says
haha Sorry if that wasn’t clear. My bringing up the phone call was meant to say – “I appreciated that. Can we do that more?”
Deanna McNeil says
I loved this video, your advice and your hair. Thanks for being you Evan Marc Katz 🙂
Aj says
You can make the initial contact but after that it’s on the guy. Also, the key is not to wait! Go on with your life. DO NOT want a realtionship with a guy that does not want you. Part of the attraction should be that he wants you and treats you well.
KIS
Rosie says
That was the best advice that I received. Thank you!!!
Mazzy says
Hi Evan,
I accidentally stumbled across your website – and can I just say you really are on the money.
Now I am hooked. Brilliant.
And i pass on to my girlfriends…any chance of coming to Australia?
regards.
Jordan says
i’ll probably leave the first negative comment ever on this and i hope i get some responses to it. Evan Katz in my honest opinion you’re advice is bs, women don’t have to do anything? so men do all the work in the relationship that is what you are saying. Girls just have to say yes?! wow what a frekin privelage it is to be a girl i sure as hell would not mind being one. 95% of men are “the wrong men” what the hell is that bs?! women are just as wrong as men as men are for women why can’t we human beings just be equal? So basically women are superior to men until marriage pretty much right and maybe even then women especially nowadays think they are better. correct me if i’m wrong but basically evan katz’s implied message in my opinon is “women are superior, and they shouldn’t have to put effort into a relationship” yup women must be so hard to just say yes right?
Oglin says
TOTALLY WRONG strategy, if woman doesn’t show her interes i am on my way, Thank you and goodbye. Tons of guys think the same.
tree says
I feel like an except to the receptive state may be with non-alpha males. That said, my personal experience is that my very beta-type boyfriend, when he met me, was suddenly able to have the courage to make several moves towards me (which I of course, needed to reciprocate or he wouldn’t have had the confidence to continue in that direction), including being the first one to touch me, to kiss me, to share his feelings with me. But, he’s also expressed great joy in my -action- towards him…asking him out, responding to his advances, being the one to ask for a definition in the relationship, etc. I don’t think all guys *expect* to take the lead in everything, not anymore. In the interests of equality, I feel like it’s generally as much my job to take a very active role in relationship finding and building, as it is his…and the active/receptive roles being based on gender makes less sense than basing it on personality!
onefootN says
I’m with your wife on the hair.
shazia says
Hi Evan,
I’ve just read through this column and watched your video and felt compelled to write this.
I don’t agree with you your advice ( although I have read many of your other blogs which have rang true).
there is absolutely nothing wrong with initiating contact with a man, reaching out to him or asking where is this relationship going! In this day and age where as females we are just as empowered as men I feel that this should be the way forward ( moving away from the alpha male who does all the chasing while the submissive female waits around). There is nothing empowering about that or liberating and more importantly by doing so you are only hurting herself. Now im not saying that you should hound someone relentlessly with texts calls or constant demands, but if you are thinking about someone let them know,ask them out, clarify the relationship …men are human too with the same doubts and insecurities as women.
As Brene Brown said vulnerability is the key to living an authentic life and by hiding away from our own wishes and desires because we’re trying to play it cool or play by the dating rules.. in the end you only lose. If you don’t reach out to him- yes you will eventually know if he cares or not. If you do reach out to him you will again know if he cares or not and it would have taken half the time,been much less painful but more importantly you would have shown him and yourself that you are worth more than just being someone who waits around.
Shazia
Tyrone says
Shazia
I don’t think this advice is wrong at all. I think I am interpreting it a little differently that you are.
“there is absolutely nothing wrong with initiating contact with a man, reaching out to him or asking where is this relationship going!”
Most women don’t initiate. That’s just a fact. The advice is supposed to be general and applicable to “most” women.
“In this day and age where as females we are just as empowered as men I feel that this should be the way forward ( moving away from the alpha male who does all the chasing while the submissive female waits around).”
Again, general and most. Also, there are woman out there that like to pick and choose when they want to feel “empowered” I’ve dated several strong willed and empowered women that had their own shit and “didn’t need a man for anything”, yet they weren’t willing to pay for my portion of the date (because who needs traditional gender roles right?), nor did they make an attempt or express desire to split the check 50/50. They were perfectly happy to not be empowered women at that moment in time. Most women don’t want to be empowered in the initial stages of dating (by that I mean the terms you describe – alphas and submissives). They wanted to be traditional – at least for the “good” bits that go along with that. Approached, pursued, and courted. If that ever changes, I’ll be the first guy to let women start planning the dates taking me out for dinner and drinks on their dime. I won’t hold my breath. I’ve been asked out initially by a few women in my life, but I still had to pay for those dates. Once a woman told me at the beginning of our date that she wasn’t “feeling the sparks” but we could still have dinner as friends since we were at the restaurant and all. And when that bill came, she still expected me to pay. She was less than happy when I refused.
I don’t think that Evan literally means do nothing. Obviously a woman needs to express interest in the man somehow. That somehow isn’t to repeatedly call or try to plan dates (at least in the beginning of the relationship). It is generally effective to just be available and express interest on the dates, phone conversations, etc. An example might consist of letting him kiss you after the date, rather than pulling away. I take the “doing nothing” to mean something along the lines of let them man show his interest, then accept is with an appropriate action. Not to initiate (or at least initiate too much – sometimes a nudge or two can be helpful) and not to run away and force him to chase as mentioned in the video.
Those are good ways to find out if he cares (he calls, wants to see you, makes plans to see you). If he doesn’t, you will know right away if he is interested. Is he doing it = interested. Is he not doing it = not interested. Simple enough way to assess without too much overthinking. If you call and try to get him to do this things, you may just wind yourself up and wonder why is isn’t, especially if he is agreeing to meet you when you suggest. That has the potential to just be needlessly confusing. Why is he agreeing to see her if he isn’t interested. Is she being too pushy? Maybe that’s why he isn’t calling as much. Those things may or may not be true, but it doesn’t change the man not expressing his initial interest in a generally accepted way – by trying to see you.