I like smart women.
I’d like to think I’m a smart man and that, if we met in real life, we’d be friends.
The thing with smart people like you and me is that we’re highly analytical.
We don’t think just one step ahead. We think 5 steps ahead.
We can’t help it.
And in most arenas, this is a strength. If you’re in business development, or corporate training, or even if you’re a schoolteacher, the ability to think ahead and control your environment is paramount to your success.
So you learn to ask questions. And you learn to get tough. And you learn to micromanage the details in case someone else makes a mistake.
These are the things you do to cope with the variables of life – you try to control EVERYTHING.
Newsflash: this is the OPPOSITE of what it takes to be successful in love.
If that comes as a surprise to you, I hate to tell you, but there’s a LOT you need to learn about how men function in relationships.
Yesterday, I was on the phone with a client. 33 years old, attractive, bright, successful.
We’ve been working together for about four weeks now, and it’s at about this time that things start to really blossom.
Last week, after our coaching call, she had one of the best dates she can remember. And this week, she just wants to make sure she doesn’t mess things up.
Actually, she wants to make sure that HE doesn’t mess things up.
Instead of enjoying this moment, filled with excitement and potential, her mind immediately drifts to, “I don’t want to get hurt by another cute player with potential.”
Has that ever happened to you?
Your first thought after an amazing first date is, “This guy is amazing!” Your second thought is, “How’s this one gonna disappoint me?”
Needless to say, this isn’t the healthiest attitude towards dating. And yet, it’s incredibly common. So what’s a woman to do?
Let’s first start with what NOT to do.
What NOT to do is to dwell on what you can’t control – namely anything that he thinks or does.
What NOT to do is to try and find out answers before he’s ready to provide them. That means no talk about marriage or kids or emotional availability. These are things that he will reveal over time. It is not your job to probe on Date 1 and 2.
What NOT to do is to dwell on what you can’t control – namely anything that he thinks or does. So much time and energy is wasted trying to “interpret” the behaviors of men – what he texted, emailed, said or meant. It doesn’t solve a thing. It just drives you crazy.
What NOT to do is be pro-active. Apart from flirting with him at a party or sending him the first email on Match.com, your entire job afterwards is to be RECEPTIVE.
This is what I mean about letting go of control.
In trying to grip the sand too tightly, you’re letting it slip through your fingers.
In trying to avoid a sad ending, you turn to the last page of the book and ruin the journey.
Dating is a process – one that should be organic.
Look back on the healthiest relationships you’ve had – I trust that there was a natural ease to them – at least at the beginning.
So instead of giving a free pass to the cute guy who showed you a great time on Date 1, but has waited 5 days to follow up, just realize that this action reveals his state of mind.
He’s either too busy for a relationship, too busy with other women, or not that interested in you. It really doesn’t matter which.
Why? Because his actions have nothing to do with you!
And if his actions have nothing to do with you, you have no control.
So when you send him an email and write “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile,” or send him a text that says, “Miss me?” or give him the phone call that says, “Where is this relationship going?” you’re sabotaging the natural dating process.
In the natural dating process, the man who is excited about you SHOWS you he’s excited by making an effort to see you soon, call you frequently, and become exclusive.
Your next move is NOTHING.
If he’s not doing so, there’s nothing to figure out, interpret, or do. Just realize that you’re Ms. Right Now, he’s Mr. Right Now, and you should start looking for a new guy.
It might sound crazy, but passivity is the most EMPOWERING stance you can take.
No more wondering about WHY he didn’t call.
No more wondering about the REASON he disappeared.
No more agonizing about where he REALLY stands on your relationship.
No more CALCULATING about what your next move is.
Your next move is NOTHING.
Let go of controlling your relationship.
Trust that the right guy treats you like you deserve to be treated.
And get back to enjoying the many blessings in your life.
Now go out there and stop doing anything!