Why Being Attracted to Smarter Men Is the Biggest Reason You’re Single

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to!”

If I had a dollar for the number of women who have said that to me, well, let’s just say I’d be writing this from Tahiti, not Los Angeles.

And I can’t disagree with you: attraction is NOT a choice.

Yet if the very thing you’re attracted to never leads to the relationship of your dreams, don’t you think it may be wise to make some adjustments?

I think so.

You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.

You’d make adjustments if you were only looking for jobs on Monster.com and it never got you a job.

You’d make adjustments if you alienated your co-workers and wanted to feel better from 9-5 every day.

We’re constantly making adjustments in life.

Except in one arena.

You’d make adjustments if you didn’t feel good about your body on January 1st.

Should it be any news that it’s the one arena in which you struggle the most?

And a big reason you struggle to connect with men is because you’re so bright.

I hear ya.

Like many of you, I’m a bit of an intellectual snob. I read voraciously. I like to discuss weighty issues. I know a little bit about a lot and can pretty much hold my own in any cocktail party conversation.

You want to know something else about me?

I’m a know-it-all.

I’m difficult.

I’m moody.

I’m opinionated as hell.

I’m a workaholic.

I’m an egomaniac.

I always want things my way.

Now before you decide that you hate me, I’d like you to consider two things:

First, does that description remind you of any of the men you’ve dated in the past?

If so, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

That’s the thing about really smart guys. They live in their heads. They’re somewhat tortured. They know what they’re worth. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with. They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating.

You’ve seen this yourself MANY times.

And yet you still say you want a man who is smarter than you are.

Hmmm…

Sounds like a pretty exhausting relationship, doesn’t it?

Sounds like the price you pay for dating a great conversationalist is pretty steep, huh?

On one side, you get a brilliant, stimulating mind, which really turns you on…

On the other you get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man who is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you.

Once again… Hmmm…

Before I forget, there was one other thing I wanted you to consider:

You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.

Very smart. Know-it-all. Difficult. Moody. Short-tempered. Opinionated. Workaholic. Egomaniac. Judgmental. Always want things your way.

Does that describe anybody else besides those brilliant men you’re drawn to?

It certainly describes my clients. And I wouldn’t be all that shocked if it somewhat described you as well.

And when two people who are that smart, that opinionated, and that strong-willed get together, it should obvious that sparks will fly – and tensions will mount.

So while I’m not judging you for being just like I am – I AM pointing out to you that if you insist that you can ONLY be attracted to men who are smarter than you, you are relegating yourself to less than 2% of the population (before we consider things like looks, height, money, religion, humor, charm, attraction, values, etc.)

Moreover, you’re relegating yourself to a man who is NOT A GOOD FIT FOR YOU.

And therefore, it doesn’t matter if you’re attracted to only MENSA men.

The key to your future successful relationships is going to come in opening up to smart guys without all the baggage that comes from being brilliant and driven.

That does NOT mean that you are going to find yourself with a man who has never read a newspaper, who has no interest in foreign travel, or who can’t keep up with you and your friends.

It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of amazing, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be smarter than you.

It’s not all or nothing.

We compromise on things every single day.

Your job isn’t perfect. You put up with it for 10 hours a day.

Your friends and family aren’t perfect. You put up with them for the rest of the time.

And yet you still hold your boyfriend to a ridiculous standard, as if a man who went to a state school and doesn’t watch Sunday morning political talk shows is a dullard.

I know, I know.

You can’t help what you’re attracted to.

Me either.

But I spent the first 35 years of my life chasing women who were just like me – the smartest women in the room. And I put up with the same things that you have to deal with from men – selfishness, difficulty, self-righteousness and so on.

I married a woman who was smart – who gets every joke, who knows about Shakespeare and classical music, who has definite opinions about Israel/Palestine – but she’s not necessarily in the 98th percentile of intellectual curiosity.

And you know what?

It feels GREAT.

Because most of our lives are not spent discussing the finer points of Proust, or the best way to fix the 2-party system, or the science behind String Theory… our time is usually spent talking about fixing up the house, raising our daughter, planning our next vacation, figuring out what we’re going to have for dinner, etc.

Thus, my wife doesn’t HAVE to be like me – because we’re great together.

So if you believe in self-help, if you’ve read books about spirituality, if you’ve gone to shrinks and taken weekend seminars, and yet you still think your husband has to be on the exact same wavelength as you?

Sorry.

He doesn’t.

He just has to respect you. And you have to respect him.

My wife hasn’t done any of that personal growth stuff and you know what?

She’s happy. Better than that, she’s CONTENT.

Have you ever been with a brilliant guy who is, at heart, a miserable person?

I’ll bet you have.

And I’ll bet you’d do it again – hoping for a different ending this time.

Once again, there’s no different ending.

Brilliant men tend to be bad partners. You’ve seen this numerous times.

So, from now on, you’re going to discover the virtues of smart, kind, thoughtful, generous, easygoing, commitment-oriented men.

You will STILL be attracted to geniuses, but you now know that they do not make for a good fit in your life. Never have. Never will.

You CAN get the relationship you want; just not with the man you always thought you wanted.

Trust me, the reality is FAR better than the fantasy.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Ruby

    Also, when I think of my happily married friends, not one of them married someone  who wasn’t their intellectual equal. Not smarter, not less smart, but similar.

    1. 21.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ruby – nobody said to do otherwise. It’s women who need men who are Taller. Smarter. Richer. And if he’s an inch shorter or doesn’t have a masters degree, he’s out. That’s the dangerous phenomenon. Nowhere did you hear me to tell a woman to marry a man who was “less than”, but rather, marry a guy who has a higher emotional IQ – which is a greater predictor of relationship success than a regular IQ.

      1. 21.1.1
        Dana

        Not all of us. I’m a very smart woman; I need a very smart guy. Not smarter. And I don’t care about weighing out exactly where we fall on IQ; it’s about feeling that you have an equal, which takes a whole bunch of elements into account beyond intelligence. Richer, taller, degrees — god, who cares. Give me a great guy who gets the joke.

  2. 22
    Robyn

    As the saying goes, “there’s a fine line between genius and insanity”.
    Or as I like to put it, “cute & clever” is good but “cute & clever & crazy/kooky” is not.

    I’ve know many exceptionally intelligent people over the years (from a wide sample that includes family members, friends, lovers and colleagues).
    Some of them were “human” and could relate to the rest of the world (ie: had emotional IQ to go with their exceptional brains). They were/are abolutely fantastic people to know and be with.

    But there were others that could barely conduct a conversation and/or were totally self-absorbed with themselves/their research projects and/or considered anyone less intelligent than themselves to be 4th class citizens – almost disabled at an emotional or personality level – which does NOT make for a great partner at all.

    It takes more to make a great partner than having high IQ scores / oodles of degrees & diploma’s / MENSA membership / fat salary. Unfortunately the really essential factors (like “EQ”, attitude, ethics, personality) are way harder to quantify or measure than IQ or salary numbers on a W2.

  3. 23
    Honey

    My husband Jake is in Mensa, and he has EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE QUALITY you describe.  And, to top it all off, he’s STILL not as smart as me! (I’m in Mensa, too).  What makes it work is that:
     
    (1) I am a female raised in the South (so I have all the stereotypical emotional intelligence of a woman as well as life experience in a non-confrontational culture),
     
    (2) We agree on a variety of other issues that only really small subsets of the population do (atheist, vegetarian, not wanting kids, etc.)
     
    If it weren’t for that, living with him would be intolerable.  Still is, sometimes.  While I am happy with him in a way that I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t my “equal,” if I had known 10 years ago what I know now about long-term relationships, I would have married someone in the 80th percentile long, long ago…

    1. 23.1
      astrid7

      Thank you for sharing. This seals all the flying questions / arguments in my head.

  4. 24
    Zann

    A couple of points I’d like to make. I think the terms “smart” and “intelligent” and even “rich” are so subjective and open to so many different interpretations that they’re not really useful in this dialogue. It hit me when Bill Clinton’s name came up. In my opinion, Bill Clinton is the perfect example of this phenomenon. He IS a very smart, informed, shoot-from-the-hip man. He’s got charisma, incredible people skills, and is “book-smart,” as well. He’s also capable of being manipulative because he reads people well and plays to their sweet spots. Not surprisingly, he’s a politician and a chronic philanderer. I don’t think that’s ever been any big secret to anyone who knows him — especially not to Hillary. But is Bill Clinton wise with his talents? Not so much, much of the time, even though he continues to be sought after and is now extremely wealthy. Does he always consider the other person before jumping into a situation in order to gratify himself? Don’t think so. So, he’s likely emotionally immature and grossly impulsive. He acts now because it feels good and will deal with the repercussions later.  To a Type-B, this seems like a man who acts very unwisely. But to a Type-A, (male or female) he’s an attractive challenge. My point is that I think what we’re talking about here — in addition to scholastic intelligence and emotional intelligence — is charisma, the power to attract & entertain & seduce. Also know as great social skills. I’ve known many extremely educated & truly intelligent men & women who were painfully socially awkward, shy, moody, introverted. I might find their brains impressive and attractive, but not as much as I find the extrovert irresistable. More than the brainy guy, I’m drawn to the guy who makes me laugh, who talks a blue streak, knows a lot about many things, or if he doesn’t, he’s a really good Bullsh*tter. He’s sexy because he’s confident and can think on his feet. And he’s almost unfailingly very, very hands-on, very affectionate & tactile. What’s not to love? This is the guy who has drawn me in my whole adult life (and I’m frickin 59), and he still does. I can spot him a mile away. I know he’s a dead end for me, because he loves himself way more than he can ever love me (or anyone else.) It’s not personal, it’s who he is. His talents have allowed him the luxury of a neverending supply of people who want to know him and hang with him. But he’s not Relationship material & he never will be. He may have married, several times, he might have kids, even grandkids. But he doesn’t have staying power, the patience, or the emotional maturity (there, I’ve said it) to be a long-haul guy. He doesn’t like to sacrifice or to sit still and look at the long-term goal. I guess the extreme end of this is the narcissist, but more often he’s the guy who is warm and seductive and entertaining, and soooooooooo smart. He’s a guy’s guy and a ladies’ man. There are men my age who still embody these characteristics, although they’ve mellowed and their prowess is somewhat limited due to aging. But it’s a head thing, and they don’t lose it, and I still find them (almost) irresistable. Is that because I’m also smart, funny, entertaining, informed & I just want to cuddle up to another me? Or is it because this particular type of Alpha Extrovert is irresistable to almost everyone. Would you rather engage over a nice glass of wine with Bill Clinton…. or Harry Reid? (And forget GWB — he’s not even in the ballpark here; he’s as dumb as dirt and too shallow to care.) I have never found long-term happiness with the Extrovert, and yet I’m still attracted..but it’s an informed and knowing attraction, if that makes any difference. I may be older but I can still be a magical thinker. And extremely single.

    1. 24.1
      Skiwi

      Thank you for your words of wisdom on the subject of falling for the alpha extrovert. I’m starting to think it’s a curse.  I have been involved with a man whose IQ is around 140 and is brilliant in every way,  for 6 years now, and though it took years to achieve, he now admits he loves me.  My IQ is not in the brilliant realm (though I am highly intelligent in some areas) yet he does seem to find me fascinating, even though he is certainly more knowledgeable than I on almost every subject.  I am able to challenge him at times.  But sometimes I try his patience (and he constantly tries mine!) because I have such a complicated disaster of a personal life and he has spent years offering me valuable advice (“the kind other people pay him hundreds an hour for…”), forcing me to look at the big picture, but I’m fighting to protect my children and his art of war strategies leave me cold as a mother.  I don’t see how I can treat my children like chess pieces, so that I can live a more comfortable life elsewhere.   So we are an impasse there.  He believes everything should be rational, and I’m trying to get him to somehow see that when it’s the kind of love one has for their children, sometimes we must stand and fight no matter how impossible the situation, when any “rational” person would admit defeat.

      I doubt either of us will ever convince the other there, but in a few years my kids will be adult and this fundamental difference of philosophy shouldn’t be so much of an issue.  However, the same applies to our relationship (I believe love is all you need; he has long denied it’s existence..until now.)

      I adore him, and I actually believe he adores me, in his own way…when I can get him out of his head for a bit.  Actually the problem is more getting anything more than text messages and phone calls from him.

      Because he is so brilliant, and loves helping those he cares for, and there is always a friend in need, and is frequently flying around the world for work, he rarely finds time to meet in person.  Not such a big deal for him apparently, with his amazing memory, he says for long periods of time they sustain him.  But a less highly evolved life form such as myself needs a physical presence more regularly.

      He used to tell me he was incapable of love and his work in science is his life, and in addition he worked for the government (sudden trips to the Pentagon, and war torn countries, that he could not give details about) and thus even if he wanted to, he wasn’t permitted any commitments (aka “liabilities”).

      However now he does confess to loving me, when cornered…. and it seems that he no longer does the government work.  But he is always working on something, a dizzying number of projects simultaneously.  I am fascinated by all that he does, I even don’t mind listening to him ramble on about topics I have no understanding of, because I love his passion and I’m in awe of his knowledge (and I do sometimes kid him that he’s like Leonard and Sheldon rolled into one, but that despite having a masters degree, I often feel like Penny around him.  Maybe I enjoy the novelty of this as I’m more accustomed to men being intimidated by my intelligence?).

      I have tried many times to find a replacement because he refuses to commit to a future together, but after him no other man compares. I have never experienced such intensity with anyone before or since. But now, even when I find a man who adores me and wants to commit, who panders to my every desire and wants to be with me 24/7; I find their conversation like watching grass grow, or having a fly buzzing around me.

      (At the same time I worry that this is how my brilliant guy feels about me!)

      I tried so hard to move on last time he mysteriously vanished on one of his government missions…when he told me he couldn’t say whether or not he’d be back, or when, and that I should find somebody else.  He was gone for over a year, but did come back… and though I found somebody else, he seems as incapable of letting me go as I am of him.

      I’m going out of my mind.

      I would marry him tomorrow if I could, (even though I too vowed never again). but I also fear him a little… know that he is easily capable of manipulating me, and he can be cold as ice (though not with me, at least not yet, but he’s warned me what he’s capable of, tries to convince me I should leave because one day he is afraid he will hurt me).  I’m so tormented by him. Cannot get over him, can’t find the will to leave him, but when I tell him I need us to be together, he seems confused, as if the very idea is alien to him (though he was married twice and will never do that again).  I don’t need a ring. Just need him in my life. He just smiles and says we’ll be together in the next life !!!!

      He’s Indian and has a more eastern philosophy, sometimes feels like I’m in love with Ghandi… or a modern day Confuscious.

      I feel like a character in Wuthering Heights, sometimes wonder if the conflict between our desire for each other and his ridiculous work schedule which means sometimes months go by without seeing each other, might actually drive me mad!

      At least I have my genius/doctor to coldly reassure me it’s impossible to die from a broken heart….

      The only solution I think is for me to escape the situation and return to my country, and be far away, with family.

      Maybe I too will spend the rest of my life alone because work will always be his priority, and nobody else compares to him.  Although he says he will one day retire so I don’t understand why he can’t at least agree to live together then.

      I guess many of these guys just don’t require companionship on a daily basis, and really treasure their bachelor status.  And seem to become commitment phobic.

      Anyway I’m happy to at least have found others who are attracted to these types, because nobody I know gets it (many people have told me I light up when I speak of him, that it’s obvious I love him even when I’ve denied it, but when I describe the relationship they look at me like I’ve lost my mind… that I shouldn’t walk away, I should run).

      Sometimes I think this is comparable to a drug addiction!  But I have yet to find a 12 step program that can help me!

      I apologize for venting at such length…  and needless to say I am not Mensa material, just one of the poor tortured souls that a brilliant man desires, has spent years taming,  but refuses to keep.

  5. 25
    Peter

    The bell curve for men spreads wider than for women on every measure.  There are more clever men than clever women just as there are more stupid men than stupid women.  A taller, cleverer man than herself is not an impossible requirement.  However, 5′ 11″ with an IQ (for what its worth) of 140 might be.  And what about a 5′ man with and IQ of 160 (although most tests stop at 140 so don’t believe him if he says 160)?  I think that 5′ will be more improtant for most women than an IQ of 160.

  6. 26
    Zaq

    I’m not buying into this moody,workaholic, egomaniac stuff. Everyone is different. I do think that a very intelligent man is likely to be opinionated and a little arrogant though. When you are right most of the time that is fairly inevitable.

    I agree with Permanentguest and Ruby. A man will feel insecure with someone significantly more intelligent than him. This is borne out by studies that show that in contrast to male attractiveness, female attractiveness falls with increasing IQ.

    The requirement for a man of at least equal intelligence sounds reasonable. Unfortunately it isn’t. Men of (practical) high intelligence are in high demand from all women. Women will need to have higher levels of physical attractiveness to compete with the other women, because their intelligence holds less weight for the men they are interested in.

    It seems to me that women with significantly above average intelligence, but very average looks, are in the worst possible situation. They find it hard to respect less intelligent men, but they have few options other than perhaps a beta “Sheldon”
     

    1. 26.1
      sarahrahrah!

      Zac, I disagree with your conclusion that intelligence is automatically a detriment to women in dating.  According to a British study ( http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/9453842/Playful-people-more-attractive.html ) , the quality of playfulness is the most sought after quality in a potential mate, for women and men alike.  That means that smart females can use their intelligence to create fun, games and humor in their relationships. 

      1. 26.1.1
        Joek

        But it’s not their intelligence itself that’s attractive – it’s the playfulness – the FUN factor.

         

        So unless an intelligent woman realizes this, and is willing to foster it, she’s at a disadvantage relative to the less-intelligent but fun gal that she’s competing with.

      2. 26.1.2
        MH

        That’s interesting! I have an IQ in the top 1% of the country, I’ve not had a date in many years but oddly I am told I am attractive often. I recently had a stranger tell me so and run off.
        So I am a little confused by the situation, which is why I read the posts on here.

        The last man I was involved with was intelligent and turned out to be a narcissist. He fits the description above exactly!
        He refused to date me and strung me along for years, the reason he eventually gave… I was too fun.

        He must be a glitch in the matrix.

  7. 27
    Helen

    Um, Evan… doesn’t your own example negate your point?

    You’re a smartie. 🙂 You’re in MENSA. How can you expect any of us to believe that you’re a bad catch if your wife is happy and content with you?

    And if ONE good brilliant guy exists, why shouldn’t many more? I’m married to a sweetheart who is smarter than me, too. At work, I’m surrounded by loveable men who are smarter than or equal in intelligence to me. As Goldie said, there isn’t a one-to-one correlation between intelligence and bad relational traits. As for social awkwardness, which IS associated with intelligence: I don’t see that as a dealbreaker. There are far worse things a person could be. 

    1. 27.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I hate to say this, Helen, but I’m somewhat of an anomaly. A very driven guy who owns his own business, makes good money, and prioritizes family above all? A guy who’s off on Fridays and home at 6pm every day? A guy who is naturally sensitive, overcommunicates like a woman, and spends 4 hours a day on the phone talking to women and listening to their needs?

      I’m not the only guy in the world who’s like this, but I’m somewhat unusual. Most guys with my demographics aren’t as sensitive and self-aware. And if you spend your whole life holding out for an anomaly, you might spend a lot of time alone.

      It would be like a man holding out for a supermodel/Rhodes Scholar because he knows a few. That leaves out a lot of quality women, don’t you think?

      (And no, I didn’t mean to compare myself to a supermodel/Rhodes Scholar…that was incidental, to make my point).

      The bigger picture is that there are plenty of smart men who aren’t necessarily smarter, successful men who aren’t necessarily rich, cute guys who aren’t necessarily gorgeous…and you should be giving those guys a chance. Are we cool?

      1. 27.1.1
        JB

        To be totally honest, that just sounds like narcissistic BS to me.  With this response as context, the whole blog post sounds a lot like a huge self-righteous ego boost too, really.  “Hey, most intelligent guys are this way, but I’m totally not, I’m way more awesome than them!”  See what I mean?
        There’s plenty of intelligent men that aren’t ego maniacs with borderline personality disorders, and I can certainly confirm that you’re not an anomaly (if you’re all of the qualities you claim to be).  No stable, well-adjusted woman actively seeks out a narcissist that can’t or won’t compromise or treat them with respect.  Maybe those women who do prefer men who won’t treat them as equals need a healthy dose of self-respect more than anything.

  8. 28
    helene

    I get why Evan suggests that smart women should consider dating men of more average intelligence (there are more of them, its less confrontational etc…) but my question is, how do you make it work? I have tried dating these men but generally I find a)they don’t “get” my jokes b) they don’t entirely “get” me (although they are sort of adoringly in awe) and c)they repeatedly exhibit poor judgement because they’re not that smart and don’t seem to think things through properly, and this leads me to lose respect for them. Compared to that, I think I’d rather deal with arrogant and self obsessed!

    1. 28.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Actually, Helene, I didn’t say men of average intelligence. I said men who are not in the 98th percentile. That leaves, oh, everyone from 70-98th percentile available to you. My problem isn’t with smart men. My problem is with smart women who think that only men who are SMARTER are eligible. You can’t date “up” in every category, and, if you do, you’ll discover that those super impressive men aren’t always a great bet for long-term commitment.

      1. 28.1.1
        missy

        I have read this blog, and I literally LMBAO!! I have date the street smart guy to the corporate exce.. what I can tell you is this, I have to center myself around somebody who can engage in an intelligent conversation. I’m sorry smart, intelligent people don’t intimidate me one bit. I have been a around a number of people who can’t even tell you what  day of the week it is. The man I’m seeing is now is not only smarter than me,  but is socially gracious and down to earth. He can engage with highest of people to lowest, it’s a called being well rounded. I would not have it any other way. Someone who is socially and intellectual inept. DEAL BREAKER!!! SORRY

  9. 29
    Ellen

    One final comment: Goldie, Mensa is no big deal. Experts have identified at least 7 different types of intelligence, including musical and “body”, i.e., athletes. Imo emotional intelligence tops the list given the sway of ego in the world today. High IQ people, and I am on the cusp, should be considered mental athletes only- they arrive at the answer a few minutes/hrs. before everyone else. Big fu&king deal doll! 

    And creative types are seductive, but the correlation between genius and neuroticism is now well established I think.

    Do some research and you’ll learn the best leaders/CEOs have average-high IQs, went to only ok colleges, but were highly motivated for very personal reasons. Barbra Streisand felt compelled to succeed because of a stepfather’s neglect, etc. 

    Humans have this unnatural need to differentiate themselves, to be different, at all costs. Let’s seek oneness, unity, not stress how very different we are.

  10. 30
    Androgynous

    Hi Zap
    Don’t know what you mean when you say women are free to “choose” who they mate with and tend to pick “winners” since they are more invested in their pregnancies. Aren’t you aware that it is only a recent phenomenon (in the context of human history) that women were allowed to choose their mates ? And only in modern anglo “socially advanced” societies. At late as the turn of the century, women had to put up with who their families picked out for them. If they had any choice at all, it was limited to a shortlist her family picked out for her. More often than not, even her family did not have a choice in the matter. The village chief, warlord, duke etc would have a say in it. Back in caveman days, a female would often be forcibly taken, or had to mate with the male whose territory she wandered into looking for food.
    If left to their own devices, the female reproductive strategy (as evidenced by primate studies and anthropological studies) would be to mate with a variety of males, some “superior” and dominant and others which are most decidedly not. Scientists can only speculate as to the reasons, where they relate to primates closely related to humans (eg chimps). The speculation is that females mate with a variety of males to confuse paternity – so males (irrespective of their position in the tribe) would not harm their children if there was a chance those children could be biologically theirs. Another speculation is that females “hedge their bets”. Yes, even weak inferior males can rise up the ranks since the superior ones tend to get challenged at lot and often ended up dead or seriously wounded/maimed. Then again, maybe its the variety that is the heart of the matter here. Weak inferior males may have recessive genes from superior dominant ancestors, or have politically powerful relatives.
    Sure women these days tend to be fussy but that is mainly because she is now confined to mating only with one male (or one at a time at least). The same may be said of men.
     

    1. 30.1
      Ashley Butler

      Good article I needed to read that.

  11. 31
    Quinn

    I’m not going to lie. The man you just described is the man of my dreams.
    Why is being well read, opinionated, and conversationalist a bad thing? I love men like this. We connect on much deeper levels. Anything less would be mundane and boring. I love discussing everything but the weather and dancing with the damn stars. And you know what? Im not ashamed of it.

    Sure, people just love to say you’re a snob, stuck up etc just because you enjoy intellectual pursuits but I don’t see anything wrong with it. Some people chase women, some chase men, some chase belonging but I chase everything that is knowledge. If I can’t learn something from talking to someone then whats the point? No, I seriously don’t get it.

    My brain is a collector of information. Its always scanning for something new and it never cuts off. Am I smarter than the average person? Absolutely not. But while they’re off doing whatever it is that they are doing Im usually somewhere consuming knowledge. I refused to be seen as difficult because I like informed about everything.

    If I don’t know something I literally look it up. I don’t care what it is. Its how my brain works. Though, I agree with you. Most people don’t like people like that. My current boyfriend accused me of being a know-it-all because I like to discuss abstract thoughts. In my head I think: “How can one not?” It boggles my mind.

    Yes, I agree. Men like this are very acquired tastes. I’d know because I’m a cold, logical woman. Men can’t stand it. Surprisingly cold logical men appreciate it. I find that I’m more apt to warm up to someone when I can discuss “weighty” issues with them.

    I will admit though that there is a fine line and if you don’t walk it the right way you can seem really egotistical. When in mixed company I usually just shut down because most people aren’t talking about anything important. Is that a little arrogant of me to think that? Sure, but its also quite arrogant for people to attach negative views to people who prefer this style of communication.  

    While Im still in college I will nod to the fact that I will probably turn into a workaholic. Though being a workaholic is defined by other people as being such. Why can’t work also be a hobby? Plus, I couldn’t imagine leaving things undone and just going home. I’d probably work at home in the bed right next to my partner who is also working on work. Though I do slow down from time to time. So a person that can’t ever stop is a no-no.

    I agree with Evan though. If you’re not turned on by the idea of this then run away very very fast. Very fast.

    1. 31.1
      Matt

      I’m an ivy league educated rocket scientist with a 132 IQ and a long fancy resume. I can assure you that if you’re still in college, you haven’t even been alive long enough to become particularly smart even in academic areas. But most of human knowledge isn’t in the ivory tower in the first place.

      You sound like a cross between a hipster and a Dunning-Kruger narcissistic egomaniac careerist. I’ve dated many brilliant, intellectual women and they all had much more down to earth personalities and greater respect for other areas of life and society than you seem to have.

  12. 32
    Gina

    Evan,

    I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog for over a year now and following your sage advice. At the beginning of this year, I listened to you and walked away from a relationship that had no future, even though it broke my heart to do so. As frustrating as online dating is, I listened to you and kept at it. Ten months later, I am now in an amazing relationship with a wonderful man who behaves exactly the way in which you said a man behaves who genuinely cares for a woman. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason and providing such sound advice. Keep up the good work! You are the best!

  13. 33
    Greg

    Hey Androgynous 34

    There is no factual basis for your post.  Women were not forcibly married in all cultures.  The common man did not have the power to force marriage upon any woman.  In some cultures men had to ask permission to marry a woman.  Some cultures had this in place so that they could help screen potential candidates.  Nowadays women can be more selective.  Either way I think the likelihood that a woman will be be in a bad or dangerous relationship has remained relatively constant throughout history.  In the old days as you say women were forced into bad or even abusive relationships.  Now some women choose to be in them due to emotional or psychological factors.  I think women are fussy and justifiably so because a bad choice of mate likely will be more detrimental to a woman.

  14. 34
    adk

    #35 Quinn, I feel like you are missing something. Many people have something to teach, not just “cold, hard knowledge.” If you open yourself up on the emotional level, you might have more to learn, even at social gatherings “where no one is talking about anything interesting.” Each person is a unique human being with fascinating background and thoughts on life, even if it’s not in an encyclopedia. I always have found — especially in dating — that I can learn something from everyone’s story.

  15. 35
    Goldie

    @ Quinn: “I’m a cold, logical woman. Men can’t stand it.”
     
    College guys, maybe, can’t stand it, but men will really love it — when you’re married to them. A logical argument, where you show that you can be convinced to agree with the other side if they present their own compelling logical argument, beats screaming, breaking dishes, crying, or administering the silent treatment in order to get your way, every single time. My ex and I used to get into emotional arguments about things. Then I learned to answer in a calm voice and present him with logical reasoning, and I could tell he liked it. Sometimes it even helped him see things from my perspective. Too bad our marriage was already falling apart by then. I wish I’d learned it sooner.
     
    Before anyone says that there are other ways to argue, like telling your opponent how you feel: “when you just said we should use our life savings to buy a boat, it really hurt me deep inside and made me feel insecure…” – nah. In my experience, this doesn’t work on guys. They like logic, and dismiss the touchy-feely stuff as another case of the woman being irrational.
     
    Basically, from what I’ve seen, by the time men enter adulthood, most of them are already biased against women. They expect us to be irrational creatures who go through life guided entirely by their feelings, and who cannot understand logic. When they see that it is not the case, they are relieved.

    1. 35.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Goldie – Wonderful point about logical women. In my 20’s, I looked for the smartest woman I could date. In my 30’s, I was just looking for the sanest.

  16. 36
    Saint Stephen

    @Quinn Said: (#35)
    Sure, people just love to say you’re a snob, stuck up etc just because you enjoy intellectual pursuits but I don’t see anything wrong with it. Some people chase women, some chase men, some chase belonging but I chase everything that is knowledge. If I can’t learn something from talking to someone then whats the point? No, I seriously don’t get it.
    If you date a clergy man you will learn something new. If you meet a burglar you will learn something new. If you talk to a combat veteran you learn something new. No matter how highly intellectual you are – people you meet will always know something that you don’t. Do you think your biblical knowledge would be on par with a clergy man who’s a bible scholar? And if that clergy man is looking to date or marry his equal in knowledge-wise he’d be deliberately or unconsciously eliminating more than 80% of women from his dating pool without factoring compatibility and emotional maturity.  

    And why do you consider yourself highly intellectual if you only wanna discuss topics that interests you? I consider people as highly intellectuals if they can carry on a descent conversation on topics they have no interest in. I have an uncle who’s a college professor, he talks endlessly on topics that interest him. OTOH my late elder bro was just a college grad but he could weigh in on virtually any topic being discussed. Which of them do you think women would want to be around? Which of them do you think has more dating options?

    Have you ever seen love before? Have you ever seen emotion before? Why do you believe they exist? because people feel them? I’d be curious to see how you can use logic to describe/explain emotion and love. 

    Furthermore, what kinda relationship do you think you would have when cold hard logic meets cold hard logic?  A loveless marriage/relationship is what you are setting yourself up for.

  17. 37
    Sayanta

    Goldie and Evan

    I agree that logical reasoning is great. But feelings and emotions are a big part of being human, and seen as ‘bad’ in a male-dominated society. I feel (god, there I go using that ugly word) that suppressing a natural urge to expressing emotion equals inauthenticity. Assuming you are- as I am- a feelings- oriented woman… So are we never supposed to cry in front of men? Get angry? Just because men hate emotions doesn’t make them right.

    1. 37.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sayanta – You’re too smart to turn this into a black and white issue. No one said that you should have NO feelings or NEVER cry in front of men. You see why I get frustrated on this message board? Because what I’m saying and what you’re hearing are two entirely different things.

      What Goldie and I said is that men appreciate women who have a firm grasp on reality and can listen to reason, instead of letting potentially irrational emotions predominate.

      If I have a conversation with an ex on Facebook, my wife wouldn’t think anything of it. An emotional woman who’s been hurt before might start giving me the third degree.

      Men REALLY appreciate when we can discuss things with you and have you accept our answers and our apologies, instead of turning every emotion you feel into some referendum about our future. Does my wife cry from time to time? Of course she does. But she never flies off the handle at me – and that’s why I’m married to her.

  18. 38
    Goldie

    I just spoke from experience. I was shocked the first time I saw it in action. For the first time in years, I was able to get a grown man to stop yelling and start listening to me in the middle of a heated argument. It was like magic. That was the only thing I said — I tried it, it works, the end. My point was actually to tell Quinn that being a cold, logical woman isn’t all bad.

  19. 39
    Sayanta

    Point taken — I guess I just know so many men completely cut off from their emotions that this just hit a sore spot with me

    1. 39.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      And this is also why “feeling” messages, as taught by some other relationship experts, are very limited in their ability to connect with men. While no man wants to be the cause of your tears, we also don’t like having our lives hijacked by every feeling that comes up. Highly sensitive people – both men and women – are extremely difficult to date.

  20. 40
    Ray

    Quinn@35
    You say you are ‘cold and logical’ because you enjoy intellectual pursuits.  I don’t consider that cold or logical at all.
    Cold is being basically dead to your own emotional state and the emotional state of others.
    Logical (to me) means being able to pull apart the ’emotional’ from the ‘rational’… and it isn’t a quality only or even mainly men possess.  
    If you feel connected to a man through your mutual intellect and ability to discuss a wide range of topics, then that seems like a good start!
    Just like some people like bike riding and jogging with their partner. Are they supposed to give up looking for someone who likes to bike ride or jog?  Maybe, if you run ultra-marathons… it is enough to expect one’s partner cheer you at the finish line. 
    Maybe that is the point Evan is making.  One doesn’t need the equivalent of an ultramarathoner (ie super intellect) to be happy.
     
     
     

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