Why Does My Older Boyfriend Kick Me Out Before His Kids Wake Up? Give Me Some Relationship Advice!

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Thanks for all your great writings and teachings. I have a question for you.

I am seeing a guy for almost 4 months now, I am 25 and he is 39. He has 2 teenage kids (boys) and we have been introduced to each other.

When I sleep over at his house he wakes me early in the morning and takes me home before they wake. I don’t do it too often when they are there as it is not nice sneaking out.

Is this a sign that he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend? Could there be other issues involved?

I did ask him about it and he just said “How would I feel if you woke up and there’s a female in the house?” Not really an answer, huh?

The other thing is that he doesn’t introduce me to all his friends and family as his girlfriend, as he tells me he is taking this opportunity to get to know me better and if I feel comfortable to introduce him as my boyfriend to my friends it’s fine with him. He tells me every time he sees me how much he really likes me and enjoys spending time with me and how much he misses me. He is a really great guy and anyone will be happy with him I am just afraid of losing him.

I just feel it’s not enough to make me feel secure, should I even be feeling insecure that he wouldn’t stay around?

I really don’t know what to think, please help.

Meagan

 

There are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

Aw Meagan,

I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first?

Perfect.

The good news is that you’ve got nothing to worry about in relation to his children. As I mentioned recently, a client of mine was having the same exact issue with her older boyfriend and his teenage son.

What I told her was that as long as her boyfriend was treating her well — with consistency and kindness — the fact that she hadn’t yet met his son has far more to do with his son that it has to do with her.

If the son is judgmental, if the son is emotional, if the son wants Mom and Dad to get back together, if the son is jealous that Dad is happy, if the son is a contrary teenage boy, if the son has seen Dad parade a variety of women through his life and gotten too attached…there are any number of reasons why a man would protect his children from his new girlfriend.

The problem is that you’re seeing this as a slight to you. It’s no surprise. You’re human; of course you’re going to think about how it affects you. But the truth is, incorporating the new girlfriend into the family is a very delicate situation. My forty and fiftysomething clients have given me quite an education on how complex it can be.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends — especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids.

If that’s your biggest issue with him, I told my client, you truly have an amazing relationship. And it’s true, she does. Her man is an amazing communicator, a great dad, and an understanding boyfriend. He just doesn’t fully comprehend how keeping her from his family makes her feel insecure. But as she gets more comfortable in the relationship, she’s starting to understand two things: 1) it’s not just about what she wants, 2) if she’s patient and a good communicator, she WILL get what she wants. This is Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” in action. By being an amazing girlfriend, her boyfriend will soon realize that he WANTS to share her with his son.

Which brings me back to you, Meagan. Here’s the bad news:

I’m guessing you’re never going to meet the son.

I’m guessing that you’re the cute younger girl that he’s “seeing” right now.

I’m guessing that by the time you read this, your heart will already be broken.

Hey, I could be wrong. I just know that after 4 months, you should be talking in terms of “boyfriend/girlfriend” and if he’s hesitant to do so, it says a lot more about your relationship than the teenage sons thing.

Plenty of reasonable men shield their sons from new girlfriends — especially if the girlfriend is only 10 years older than the kids. Not too many men can date a woman for 4 months and not call her a girlfriend — unless, of course, they don’t intend on her being a girlfriend.

My recommendation is to prepare yourself for a new boyfriend, closer to your age, who is absolutely crazy about you.

Good luck.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    A-L

    RE: Steve’s #20

    As far as I know, my parents had sex twice in my (near) lifetime. Once when I was conceived, and once when I had the misfortune of walking in on them. They divorced when I left for college, but I remain firm in my belief. And I definitely plan on keeping it that way.

    I see no reason why kids might feel similarly inclined to disbelieve that their parents have sex, even with others. But having Meagan around in the morning makes it pretty impossible to keep believing that there’s no sex going on.

  2. 22
    Shalini

    @ A-L
    yes.. obviously. No kid wants to know or realise their prents have sex. I dont see anything wrong with not wanting to realise that. Its really no big deal.
    U dont have to be a parent with kids to realise that. You just have to think if you would like to imagine such things about your own parents.
    The only issue here is that it’s really strange to not introduce her as his gf after 4 months and everything. I would certainly be bothered about that specially if all my own friends know the guy is my boy friend.

  3. 23
    downtowngal

    I don’t think this has as much to do with the guy protecting his kids as he’s just using her for sex. And he doesn’t sound like a nice guy.

    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life

    (2) when asked, he plays this game turning it around on her that SHE has to first introduce him to her friends

    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning. I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment (which I presume is an issue w OP otherwis she wouldn’t be writing EMK)

    (4) also, when asked, what’s up with his response about considering if there are kids – WTF???

    Doesn’t sound as if this guy cares about her needs. OP, sure he enjoys being w you and seems like a great guy, but he’s not treating you well. If he saw you as LTR potential he would have introduced you to his kids BEFORE allowing you to stay over.

  4. 24
    downtowngal

    Also, I disagree that he’s protecting his kids. I’m sure they hear things in the middle of the night, and may have bumped into her at one point. If he’s really that concerned about protecting his kids they’d stay over at her place or get a hotel.

    If he’s home because he doesn’t want to leave the kids alone, then what’s gonna happen if one of them wakes up in the middle of the night and needs daddy? Oh, sorry, kid, the door’s locked, please wait while daddy asks his ‘gal pal’ to hide in the closet.

    A woman his own age wouldn’t put up with this crap.

  5. 25
    Jennifer

    Some people may be bothered by the thought of their parents having sex (with others or with each other) but not everyone is. I would think the tendency to bothered by this would lessen with age, and his kids are teenagers.

  6. 26
    Joe

    Michael sez:
    She is clearly not ready to date someone with kids. And why is she sleeping over at his place instead of hers?
    Well, “teenage” encompasses everything from 13 to 19. If the boys were 18 and 19, leaving them home alone to sleep over at Meagan’s place would be no big deal. If they’re 13 and 14, it’s a bit more of an issue.

    downtowgal sez:
    (1) 4 months and he hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life
    and
    (3) he wants her out first thing in the morning. I’m sorry but you’re already SLEEPING together, he should at least introduce he to the kids if they’re at this level of committment

    Reading for comprehension! He hasn’t introduced her to anyone in his life as his girlfriend. And he’s already introduced her to the kids.

  7. 27
    Robyn

    Dear Meagan,

    If a guy is not introducing you to his friends as his girlfriend, then you are not his girlfriend.
    i.e. you are his current squeeze / convenient sh_g. Nothing more.
    The fact that he is hustling you out of the house before the kids wake up is a huge red flag / “convenient sh_g” indicator. (Trust me on this – I’ve been thru it myself!).

    If he is not prepared to have you stay over and be at the breakfast table the next morning, you should not be staying over. Period.
    If you want him in your bed overnight, then he should stay over with you at your place, or you should get a hotel room.

    But seriously, why bother? you can do a lot better than this guy!
    At 25 you are in the prime of your life looks-wise, and you sound like a really sweet gal – I’m sure there are lots of guys closer to your own age that are single and would love to have you be at their breakfast table on a Sunday morning.

    Dump this chump & go get yourself a real sweetie, Girl!

  8. 28
    JB

    @Sayanta #16:” An attractive 27 yr.old classical musician” “dating a bald 40 yr. old dude who drives a truck with 3 kids and a psychotic ex-wife” …..lol Too funny!! Does he have a beer belly,70’s porn star mustache, and a hairy chest too?? Ewwww!!

    Out of curiosity…..just where does a bald 40yr.old truck driver MEET a “27 yr.old classical musician”?? Oh wait…don’t tell me….
    She met him on Dateatrucker.com??

    Of course this is just the value of what each of them do for a living and thier respective ages and not putting what they look like into the equation. Not that it matters so much here but it’s tough on this blog sometimes when scenarios are questioned but we have NO idea what the people were talking about actually look like for a frame of reference.

  9. 29
    Shalini

    @ downtown girl
    i think you need to calm down.. u seem to be angry. No one said the guy is not using her for sex..
    but i think u r blowing up the issue about the kids.

  10. 30
    Selena

    My take is he’s not sure where this might go, how long it might last. Hence the hesitation of introducing Meagan as his girlfriend and having her “part of the family” in the morning.

    Because of the age difference, he may think she will be the one to move on fairly quickly – as many of you have suggested – and is being somewhat protective accordingly.

  11. 31
    downtowngal

    Shalini #29, I’m not angry, I’m just calling it as I see it. I don’t think the issue is w the kids, it’s him. OP referring to this guy as he BF, yet he’s sleeping w her after 4 months and not even considering her his GF, and kicks her out of bed in the morning. If he wanted her more in his life I doubt he’d be treating her this way.

  12. 32
    Anette C

    A good friend of mine once told me(hes a relationship counscelor), if you want to know wether or not a man really cares for you, stop sleeping with him.(or better yet, don’t start too early)

    Now I’m not one into sexual games(in the bad way..hehe), but in many way’s my friend is actually right(and the main reason I won’t be with some-one phyiscally for a while, during our initial dating stage). Some men simply view sex differently. They will treat it casual, treat the relationship casually. It doesn’t mean they are being “disrespectful” toward you, its simply the way THEY view sex(and they don’t get why women view it differently nor do they try and understand that).

    If you are in a situation with a guy like this, then I’m afraid the only way you would know(espcially when he’s not calling you his GF), is to stop sleeping with him.

    A 39 year old man, being with a 24 isn’t necessarily in it in a casual way, but the age factor would be of concern to him also, which is why he would take quite some time to determine if you are really the right one for him. He is also quite intoxicating to young women, who aren’t used to the confidence, and “maturity”(a certain kind anyway) of an older man. I’m usually pretty disgusted by older men that go for young women. Your life stages are too different, and most of the time I just see it as being a bit selfish.

    Anyway, my 2c’s.

  13. 33
    Steve

    I didn’t see downtowngals comment in #24 as being uptight.

  14. 34
    AMR

    I agree with Anette. If your instincts aren’t telling you “run screaming for the hills”. then you should just stop sleeping over.

    Also, I would start dating other people while seeing him. Tell him he’s great, blah blah blah, but that you are young and want to explore your options as well. If he can’t give you a commitment, hey, thats his deal. You, as a 25 year old with an open mind (open enough to date someone with teenagers), have about a million dating options.

    If he gets upset by this idea, he will do what he needs to and make things more official. If he doesn’t, you will other men who will give you what you want.

    Dating someone with kids requires a lot of effort. I’m not saying it isn’t worthwhile. My bf is 10 years older (I’m 27) and has 2 teenagers. Not the relationship I EVER imagined myself in, but it works. At times, it has been exhausting. Thinking about the age difference, the relatives reactions, the ex-wife, if the kids would accept me, if i would like them, what our future would be (a dude with 2 kids may not be interested in having more), etc, has caused a lot of stress. The point is, the situation you are 4 months into is NOT an easy one. Finding someone without all these fun added “bonuses” may be the way to go.

  15. 35
    Sayanta

    #24, Downtown-

    Yeah, I didn’t see your post as angry at all. I’m not sure how or why it’s being interpreted that way.

  16. 36
    Aj

    I understand the out before the kids wake up. The age difference is no big deal. I know some hot 40 year old’s and some tired 27 year old’s so you never know.

  17. 37
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    Sure seems like he’s using her, and for that matter if he cared about his teenagers he’d show a good example of how to treat a woman. You definitely don’t have them stay over for the night and shove them out the door first thing in the morning. It’s not like they don’t know about his relationship(as in her staying over and acting like they don’t know. I get that she has met his children.) with her, they’re not toddlers. I don’t really see how he’s protecting his children here. I feel like he’s just being naive, and if I’m completely wrong here and he’s a decent guy by doing what he does. Then I’d still respectfully decline and move on to someone who wants me around in the morning. That’s what I’d do. I’d be furious if I was the OP.

  18. 38
    Selena

    Why not just talk to him about how all this bothers you instead of writing a dating coach? How are you going to know how he really feels about you if you don’t discuss it?

    He doesn’t want you there in the morning? Tell him you are tired of sneaking out of the house at dawn. Stop sleeping over and see what happens. Annoyed he won’t introduce you as his girlfriend? Call him on it. Ask him if this is casual to him, and should you be dating other guys.

    I think you’ve reached the “shit or get off the pot” point with him and it’s time you both are honest with each other.

  19. 39
    downtowngal

    grrrr…grrrrrrrrr…i’m angry….grrrrrrrrrrr….

  20. 40
    MeetMeinOtrSPce

    downtowngal #39…. hahahahaha!!!

    one more thing….
    One thing I’ve learned about dating a good guy… they listen to your concerns. They try to work them out, and they like having you around in the morning. If he’s not ready to date and do things that ENTAIL DATING; such as, having your girlfriend stay over your house and leaving the next day in attire other than what ninjas wear. Then perhaps he should consider taking care of his kids which he is so concerned about and not date. Lame….. ok. sorry. He’s too old for these boyish shenanigans.

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