Why Long-Distance Relationships Are Usually Doomed

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Dr. Ali Binazir is a long-time friend who has written an incredible book for smart, strong, successful women called “The Tao of Dating”. But more importantly, the thing I like best about Ali is that he’s a true intellect. He’s endlessly curious and a sponge for information, and while this doesn’t always make him the best businessman, it generally makes him one of the more interesting people in the room. Not only that, but Ali is also a helluva writer, with a prose style that is a little more funny and discursive than my own, which is why I appreciate it when he shares his material on Facebook.

I wish I’d written this one myself, but it feels good knowing that there are other people out there doing great work that I can share with you.

Sure enough, I got this little bit of gold in my newsfeed a few weeks ago. It’s a letter from a young woman who is involved in a two-year, tumultuous, long-distance relationship who is desperately trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Ali responds, at length, like a champ, and discusses all sorts of topics under the sun: young love, attachment styles, and long-distance non-relationships. I’d say that I’d wish I’d written this one myself, but it feels good knowing that there are other people out there doing great work that I can share with you.

Read the post in its entirety and come back to the comments section and let me know your biggest takeaways. Enjoy.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Gem

    I’m in a successful long distance relationship (3 years and counting!), but I do agree it’s not for everyone. Or even every single type of relationship you may get involved in over the course of your life.

    Open communication is ultra important, and you can’t slack off on handling conflicts like you can in “face-to-face” relationships. You also need to have a strong desire to negotiate and compromise. Trust is absolutely necessary. At least for us.

    My partner and I had so many conflicts that probably would have broken many couples. But we made it because neither of us are quitters, avoidant, and we had an unwavering trust in each other.

    1. 21.1
      Paul Lane

      I was seeing a girl who lied so much about who she was, I am sure she is doing the same thing with the guy she dumped me for. She lied about her education she only got her GED at the age of 28 almost three yewrs ago, why wait 10 years, about her job she only worked for 1 year, about a house she says she owns, I even told her there was no need to prop herself up, I was in love with her not the things she said she had. Narcissistic persons lie because they can even when they know a little looking into it would show they were lying. I never told her I new I was hoping she would own up, but I guess my probing some other lies ran her off, her sex lies, where she lived

  2. 22
    Paul Lane

    Long Distance Relationships are pure fanasty it is all in your own head. People always fall for the honeymoon they think they are in love with that person, how can you be in only a few weeks and you have not even seen them in person or even once or even dated them once. How can you know how they treat other people or even you in person.

    1. 22.1
      Therese

      Was wondering about LDR’s, my 24 yr old daughter is in one with a 33 yr old. I agree with that the odds might be not great but it depends much on “circumstances” and TRANSPARENCY on the part of both. One thing that is never mentioned these days by therapists is SACRIFICE.    Instead,   having immediate gratification is the way of the world. If there is no transparency and willingness to be patient and sacrifice the time apart, forget it. But I happen to believe these characteristics are vital in a marriage and become more vital if you plan to have kids.   But we   live in a society that clearly has everything at their fingertips and therefore there is a reason beyond what people’s needs are as to why LDR’s don’t work. And actually, why people delay marriage.

       

  3. 23
    Stigger Warman

      
    In most situations involving a long distance relationship, both partners will have different concepts of what it means to have a long distance relationship eventually ending the relationship.   In some cases, individuals have met other people from across the world, online. They might even try to have and maintain a relationship. These people do this even though they may never meet or have the slightest amount of physical interaction. These relationships will more than likely fail from lack of real contact. With the rise of social media and networking sites, these individuals are hindering our abilities to create the necessary skills to keep real life relationships. Therefore, online relationships fail more than ambiguity relationships, and that the lack of information will make gaps between the two people. That the worst thing for love in diseases and texts and cell for the only means of communication.
    All long distance relationships have flaws to them, these flaws make the whole relationship impossible and not worth it.   One of the biggest concerns that people have in these relationships is that the other person is being unfaithful to them. Although the distance between the two people involved, there isn’t a positive way to know if either partner is faithful or not. With the only communication is email, text, and calls between the two partners it it hard for them to make the necessary bonds to be able to trust each other. Knowing that, “Online daters tend to fill in the information gaps with positive qualities in a potential partner” (Psychologytoday 1). People look to the best qualities in our own kind, but in the back of most minds there is a partial, lingering amount of distrust and suspicion. At the end of the day both people have distrust for each other and everything is a mess and it is ultimately very difficult to fix.
    On the other hand, some people may believe that, a long distance relationship quite possibly could be a good thing. They believe that with the smaller amount of communication and interaction, both people are more open and honest with each other. Without the ‘dating’   part of a relationship, it may be easier to get to know a person’s deepest thoughts and feelings, “because [t]he best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” (Helen Keller). Over time, two people can get to know each other, from the use of, social media even from across the world. However, without the actual interaction between two people a healthy relationship cannot be formed.   In the scheme of things is it the best for someone to get to know someone else face to face and not from behind a computer screen, especially with distance between the two people. The person on the other side of the phone might not even be the same person that they have made themselves out to be. It is extremely important to meet a person, face to face before attempting to have a long term, distance relationship. It is not in the best interest of anyone to try to have a relationship based on social media because it does not work out in the end.
    All over the world there are people who inhabit every corner of the earth. A person can keep in contact with the rest of society with the use of social media. With this new found power   someone can talk to someone else from a different country or area code. From all the unsuccessful story from this people around the world trying to have intimate relationship and them failing to work out. There is no reason to let the use of social media in trying to develop a long lasting relationship between two persons.     
        

  4. 24
    C

    I’ve been in three different ‘long distance’ relationships. One that was three hours away, one that was seven hours away and one that was forty minutes away. I’m currently married to the last one and I really only classify it as long distance because neither of us had a car or license at the time. We had met in person before though and I knew him from school.

    The other two I had never met and were big mistakesmistakes.

  5. 25
    A Real Dummy

    I  think I need to write this just to hear myself and sound out how ridiculous this long distance situation has been for me. I was initially contacted by a 54 yr old man living almost 900 miles away from me (he’s in California, I’m in west Texas). I’m 51 yrs old. We had been in contact for nearly 8 months, mostly via phone calls that would last no less than an hour a few times per week. During those 8 months, he’d make plans to visit, but never followed thru. Then he’d email, saying he just couldn’t get himself to do it, for whatever reason. For this and several other reasons, I felt he had some type of avoidance issues. Sure enough, after going to Counseling (due to my own emotional highs & lows with this man), the therapist felt I was dealing with a man with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Sighhhhhhh. Anyway, this last time he ditched travel plans (and me) he simply ghosted. No apology, nothing. I also have not reached out. Last contact we had I texted him to ask if he was having second thoughts again, said it was okay, and that we could just stay friends. Never heard from again.

    I’m still feeling very hurt that I let myself get pulled into all the “could’ve s” without ever meeting this man who said the most beautiful, sweetest things to me. It hurts that he can’t even apologize, or even say goodbye – as if the last 8 months didn’t matter. All the things he confided in me, even implying he would want to move here to be with me. All the talk about meeting up….it’s so very hard.

    I feel so played, and can’t imagine why I can’t just let go, when I really should’ve known better…..

  6. 26
    No Name To Give

    A Real Dummy,

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were operating in good faith. Actually it might best if you didn’t get an apology because he’d only make excuses to assuage his guilt, if he even felt any. You have to get closure for yourself. You can’t rely on it from the other person. It will take time but you can do it. Anytime you think of him, set your mind on something else.

    1. 26.1
      A Real Dummy

      Thank you ♡♡

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