Are You Trying to Get Him Back? Maybe You Should Reconsider.

Are You Trying to Get Him Back? Maybe You Should Reconsider

Every day, I get women contacting me for dating coaching. Almost invariably, they’re calling about a guy.

But not just a guy. A guy they’ve got great chemistry with. A guy that makes them weak in the knees. A guy who could be the one… if only he weren’t being so elusive. These days, all he does is text once in awhile and hint at making plans.

It’s almost as if he’s forgotten how amazing that first intense month was.

It’s almost as if he’s acting like he’s not interested in a serious relationship.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t care.

And yet every woman who wants to know the same thing:  How do I get him back?

To which I invariably ask: Why do you want a boyfriend who doesn’t call you, doesn’t communicate with you, doesn’t make you feel special, doesn’t make an effort to show you he cares, doesn’t follow up quickly to see you, and doesn’t indicate in any way that he’s currently interested in an exclusive relationship with you?

“Because of how he makes me FEEL”.

You mean anxious, insecure, needy and depressed?

“Well, not that, exactly. I mean, it’s not like that when we’re together.”

How often are you “together”.

It’s been a few weeks. It’s definitely not like it was in the beginning. I just want that feeling back. Evan, how can I make him want me like he did before?

Here’s what I say, ever so gently, to those women:

Life is too short to waste on unrequited loveIt’s not about this guy. It’s about you. If you want true power and control over your love life, it’s about breaking that pattern of trying to fix relationships with broken men who treat you like crap, and making healthier decisions about men. If your goal is to “get this guy back”, you’re really missing the point. Dating coaching isn’t about making men do anything. The emotionally unavailable guy is STILL going to be unavailable when we’re done coaching. But when we’re done coaching, you’re going to realize that you don’t actually WANT a guy who doesn’t make you feel special. You’re going to be free to have a relationship with a man who actually gives you the love you deserve. How does that sound to you?

Most people think it sounds pretty damn awesome. If you read this post and can identify, please, give up on the idea of “getting him back” and focus on the idea of “letting him go”.

The reason to is to learn how to let go, instead of spinning your wheels on some jackass whom, I can assure you – you do NOT want to spend the next forty years with.

Life is too short to waste on unrequited love. Find a guy who treats you like gold.

That’s what it’s all about.

Join our conversation (84 Comments).
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  1. 31

    dear regrets are you really 45? or 15?

  2. 32

    I am in the same shoes now. The guy is wonderful, treated me like nobody before but now I needed to realise that I don’t know what the hell was this. We didn’t even had sex. He said first he needs to get to know the girl.  Only kissing for three months. He taught me a lot of things, he talked about the future, how many things he wants to show me. Then he gave me a book about unconditional love and I decided, I ‘d break up.  I love myself more than just being friends.  He said he knew I have stronger feelings that’s why he made sure we met less. And he was surprised when I said I dont want to be friends either.I just really dont get it. Friends dont kiss.
    It’s only 5 days, But I sooo miss him.

    1. 32.1

      @ Judy

      I completely agree with you But my problem is that I married the man who makes me feel unloved in words and actions. We have children who are still very young so it’s difficult for me to get out of the situation. I keep myself busy with my kids and my own life in order to prevent my thoughts from wandering back to regrets and feeling hurt.

    2. 32.2

      It’s not your fault. He may pretend like he just wanted to take it slow but from my experience, men who need to take it slow are not into you enough, that’s all. All of my serious relationships involved the man moving fast and being 100% sure and me pacing it and slowing it down. When the roles switch, its always a bad sign…just my experience.

  3. 33

    I just finished with a man I have been seeing for 4 months. I am 46 and he is 47. At first he was so into me and just the perfect man. We made each other laugh and had loads in common. Had brilliant dates and he called and texted all the time saying how gorgeous/sexy/funny/kind I was. All of a sudden, after 3 months, he decides he doesn’t want to have sex with me any more. I assume he doesn’t fancy me and try to end it but he insists he still really wants a relationship with me and to “stick with him.” So he still was calling me every day but no loving/sexy texts. He would kiss and cuddle me but nothing more and just wouldn’t discuss the issue. I kept trying to end it but every time he would insist that he still really wanted me, although all the evidence ( not making seeing me a priority/not saying he missed me/not making any plans further away than a week) pointed to the contrary. I have finally had the courage to end it because, exactly like Evan says, the anxiety/insecurity I was feeling just wasn’t worth the crumbs of happiness I was getting when we were together. I kept thinking I could get him to turn back into the man he was for the first 3 months, but I have to accept that that man was a temporary dream and the man/relationship I was left with was all that was available/on offer. I am strictly no contact with him now as I care far too much to be his “friend.” the idea of being introduced to a new girlfriend would make me physically sick.

    1. 33.1

      I would think that you and me were dating the same guy but my guy is 37. He did the same thing. Didn’t really want to have sex like I did and said he needed to take it slow. Then when I threatened to leave, told me to just give him time because he really wants us to work. But I think everyone on the planet came before me. He could never make plans in advance and he’d send sweet texts but that was it. I also don’t want to be his friend. He wants us to be friends but no way! I already feel like he’s using me as a cushion so a friendship just feels like he’ll keep using me for my emotional security. Heck no! Time for him to feel like how I felt. I always felt alone, unsure, and unsafe with him. I want him to feel complete abandonment.

  4. 34


    I don’t know how long ago this article was written, but this is the best I’ve read. I am going through the process of letting my man go. He blows hot and cold almost every month and I don’t know how to predict what mood he’ll be in. Everytime I feel we’re moving forward in our relationship, he gives me the silent treatment. Then he calls me back days later (after I stop contacting him) and acts like nothing ever happened. He recently texted me after days of no contact and I ignored his text. He hasn’t reached out to me since and that was 2 days ago. I know he thinks I’m gonna call him, like I usually do, but I’m so tired of chasing him. Thanks for the advise. I’m saving this article to my favorites.

  5. 35

    My problem is not that I’m looking for the Big Bang feeling; it’s actually been the opposite for me. I am looking for a man of integrity and good character with whom I can share a companionship type of love. The men I have dated compare me with exes whom they have had extreme highs and lows with, but felt an intense chemistry with. I think that they try to break the toxic relationship pattern, but are addicted to it to some degree. I often feel as though I am considered boring because I don’t bring drama into the relationship. These men start off loving, thoughtful, charming, and full of promise. As time passes, and there is no drama on my end, they will start to create drama, or they start pinning for the ex, some one who makes them feel like the ex did.
    This is why I think that it is important for me to create as happy a single life for myself as possible because the older one gets, the harder it is to find a suitable partner. I’m not giving up, I am simply making the best of my single life while I continue to look for the right person.

    1. 35.1

      Wow! Are we the same person?? lol. I have literally had guys tell me that they liked the excitement of arguing or the excitement of a woman who blows hot and cold. I knew something was wrong with the current guy when he kept telling me that he liked it when I was being mean or upset. I feel like I’m the only idiot left on the planet who wants a harmonious relationship with no drama.

  6. 36

    The premise of this article is wrong.  Chemistry, passion and sexual intensity  are not the problem.  They are the peak glory of any relationship and, for women, they may be had with the most wonderful and committed of men.  There are all kinds of highly attractive couples who have “It” going on, and are devoted to each other.
    The issue here is broken women with low self esteem finding a “high” out of the sexual attention of (often) insecure men who exploit the weak psychology of the woman for their own benefit.
    The ego of the latter gets satisified, while the neediness of the former is temporarily satisfied.  In other words, two “unhealthy” individuals enmeshed with each other and the woman, out of romantic hopefulness, interprets attention as “permanent” attraction.
    Please do not blame “chemistry” which is a wonderful thing.  Blame low self esteem.  That is the center of the center of the heart of the matter with these women.    

  7. 37
    Karl R

    christoff said: (#36)
    “Chemistry, passion and sexual intensity  are not the problem.  They are the peak glory of any relationship and, for women, they may be had with the most wonderful and committed of men.”
    Chemistry doesn’t make a relationship good or bad. However, it prevents people from distinguishing between the two. It causes people to ignore the fatal flaws and warning signs that they would otherwise notice.
    christoff said: (#36)
    “The issue here is broken women with low self esteem finding a ‘high’ out of the sexual attention of (often) insecure men who exploit the weak psychology of the woman for their own benefit.”
    Really? The description Evan gave could easily be a couple where they started dating seriously for a month, but after that month, the man decided that the woman wasn’t a candidate for a long-term relationship. He liked her well enough to hang out as a friend occasionally, but nothing more serious.
    Since the man doesn’t read minds, he’s not aware that her feelings are vastly different.
    Where’s the exploitation? It’s equally likely that we’re describing two people who are on completely different pages about where they want a relationship to go.
    Chemistry feels great, but it creates problems.

    1. 37.1

      I agree with everything except the fact that men don’t know. Men know when what a woman wants is different from what he wants. It ain’t rocket science! A woman who wants more is more affectionate, makes herself available and makes more demands.

  8. 38

    Trying to find a way through the chemistry is important and something I’ve had to deal with. I have chemistry with seemingly every man I meet, probably because I value physical affection and its one of my two love languages and I guess I just get men going? So I feel high chemistry at the end of nearly every date and then I need to sit back and figure out if I really want to see a man again. Chemistry is not the pinnacle of a relationship, in my experience it comes pretty cheap.

  9. 39

    Chemistry makes a relationship worth having.  Otherwise it is life as brother and sister. Roommates. 
    What prevents people from distinguishing the “fatal flaws” in another is simply avoidance.  Not facing facts. 
    Chemistry–the real kind, and not just lust– is not to be blamed.  That “click” one has with another is something rare in life and not to be dismissed.  Keep in mind what I say here: I DO NOT mean just “lust”, just wow, what a nice looking person.  I mean that total package sense of identity with another.  Many have this.
    With regard to the second part of your comment, I stand by what I say.  Whether a “player” uses a starry-eyed woman and she clings on and on out of lust or “chemistry” as the word is used here…or if he decides later that the relationship does not work and she clings on and on…the issue is with her, and usually very poor self-esteem issues.  
    For healthy individuals, it is impossible to continue to have that sense of identity/chemistry with a person who treats that person poorly or without attention.
    As for men reading minds, no they don’t but that is not the point.  Men can “smell” a mile away a desperate woman and they certainly feel too keenly her low self-worth, expressed in too much neediness.

    Just a PS

    It is not Chemistry that creates problems. It is problems that create problems.

  10. 40
    Karl R

    christoff said: (#39)
    “Chemistry–the real kind, and not just lust– is not to be blamed.  That ‘click’ one has with another is something rare in life and not to be dismissed.  Keep in mind what I say here: I DO NOT mean just ‘lust’, just wow, what a nice looking person.  I mean that total package sense of identity with another.  Many have this.”
    You’re engaging in magical thinking. I’m relying on actual studies which look at the effects of the underlying neurotransmitters which create this feeling of “chemistry”.
    Helen Fisher Ph.D. (Rutgers University) has described the hormone and neurotransmitter processes that underlie infatuation. Excitatory chemicals such as norepinephrine and dopamine lead to intense stimulation of the pleasure centers of the brain. They further propel us toward sexual intimacy. A form of norepinephrine called phenethylamine actually produces an overwhelming sense of euphoria, exhilaration, elation, exultant outlook, energy upswing, expansive and elevated mood and talkativeness, as well as a decreased need for sleep and decreased appetite. Studies indicate that infatuation and mania are a type of psychomotor agitation induced by overstimulation of the pleasure centers that are located in the lower brain. These effects are also not dissimilar to the intoxicating effects of the amphetamines and akin to the psychological features of mania. This similarity actually led one writer (Slater, 2006) to comment: ‘… the brain chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental illness.’ These lower brain areas, collectively called the limbic system that regulate pleasure such as sexual function (as part of a reward system serving emotional reactions) are increased in action. The cognitive correlates of limbic system activation are that we tend to focus on the favorable aspects of the person that we are infatuated with while ignoring the unfavorable aspects. Important differences in intellect, interests, marriage and parenting styles, personality, religion and values tend to be overlooked or glossed over altogether.
    This isn’t lust. It’s a chemical cocktail that is intended to encourage human beings to get together, mate, conceive a child and bring it to term. Of course, these neurotransmitters return to normal levels after 1 to 3 years … and that can lead to a consequences much more serious than a hangover.
    christoff said: (#39)
    “For healthy individuals, it is impossible to continue to have that sense of identity/chemistry with a person who treats that person poorly or without attention.”
    Your chances of avoiding your own biochemistry are about the same as avoiding gravity, regardless of your personal beliefs. The wise choice is to acknowledge that these chemicals are going to impair your judgment, then make decisions based on the observable facts (like dumping the person who treats you poorly, regardless of how you feel about them), and postpone any permanent decisions (like getting married) until the chemicals have worn off.
    christoff said: (#39)
    “It is not Chemistry that creates problems. It is problems that create problems.”
    That’s like saying fog doesn’t cause collisions on the roads. It’s obstacles in the road that cause collisions on the road. While that statement is technically correct, it ignores one obvious point … the fog conceals the obstacles that the cars end up colliding with.
    So technically your statement is correct, but you’re glossing over one huge factor…
    I’m not compatible with everyone. I’m compatible with less than 10% of the population. If I blindly jump into marriage without being able to consider the potential problems, there’s a 90% chance (or greater) that I’ve made a serious error.
    The chemicals prevent me from seeing the problems which will wreck a relationship. That makes them a problem.

  11. 41

    I’d rather cut my losses and move on.  If he can’t be bothered, neither can I.

    1. 41.1

      to judy#41  EXACTLY!!!!!!

  12. 42

    Karl 37 – they could be on different pages yes. 
    Christoff 39 –
    I’m not convinced it’s about low self-esteem on the part of the woman, or high self esteem on the part of the man.  No.  A man could go out with a woman and they hit it off.  He may have different habits to hers (example: he likes to go to bed at 4 a.m. and start work at 11 a.m., for me, this is just impossible both workwise, and sleepwise).  He could also be a rather passive individual.  (Which is a bit of a nightmare for someone who is not).

  13. 44

    I relate to this article 100%. The man I was enamored with, we had amazing chemistry. I never slept with him because I kept waiting for him to start giving to me and caring about me the way I did him. Over the last four years, we’d see each other periodically…he was always traveling for work and on the road and he lived in about 8 hours from me by automobile (1 hour by plane), and, it was always a relationships of convenience for him, I think. But, we both agreed that what we had was indeed very rare and very special to find, so, because of that, I always wanted more and was always disappointed when he gave the long distance excuse for why he couldn’t give it. See, while it was fireworks when we were together, he never followed up or followed through with anything meaningful…unless of course he thought he could get something he wanted…which turns out was never me and was always sex. All he ever gave me was breadcrumbs. The worst part is, I’ll never know what I meant to him. On the surface, it seems I was just a booty call, but, I guess I always thought it meant more to him than that. He never really has any “honest” conversations with me so, I don’t think I ever will know. He came into town a few weeks ago and emailed me to tell me he was “thinking about me” and hoped I was doing well. That shit messes with your mind when you are in love with someone. I asked him why he sent it and he said he was just thinking about me and wanted to say “hi.” I knew he wanted to see me or he wouldn’t have bothered emailing in the first place. But, as per usual, it would all be on me to make it happen and he wouldn’t lift a finger. So, my last email to him, I told him point blank it was up to him if he wanted to be in my life or not, but, I made it clear that I have a different definition of what it looks like to actually be in someone’s life. I told him if that’s not what he wanted that I understood and that it was okay that he felt differently than I do. I haven’t heard back from him and I don’t think I will. I’m just facing that fact that I have to move on because pining away over him isn’t healthy or good for me. I think I’m afraid I won’t ever find that kind of chemistry with someone again. I’m afraid I’ll never feel that way again with anyone. And, yes, Evan, I realize all the bad feelings he brought far outweigh the good, and, I also realize that I deserve a guy who treats me great, etc, etc. But, two things: 1. Those guys are fewer and fewer and harder and harder to find. I couldn’t help but think this guy could be a guy like that. I mean, most of his friends that I know of are happily married and he comes from a fairly good, stable family that I can tell. If a nice midwestern guy like that isn’t good marriage material, I don’t know who is. I can’t help but feel like I’m the one who messed it up somehow and stop blaming myself. 2. Even if I do find a nice guy who treats me well and all that, the chances are slim to none that I’ll share the same passion and feelings that I had when I was with Mr. Unavailable. And I DESPERATELY want that. I think part of the intrigue about Mr. Unavailable is his elusiveness. Things that are too easy to come by are kinda boring.
    I don’t know what to do about any of this. I feel sad…and I hate that I can’t control the fact that he doesn’t want me the way I want him. I’ve given up trying, but, there is a kind of “grief” I am feeling, along with an inability to totally ‘let go.’ I know Evan is right, but, I also know no matter what I tell myself logically, erasing someone from your heart is not as easy as changing your mind and gaining a little self-respect. I’m open to suggestions and comments, but, empathy would be appreciated if you do.

  14. 45
    Dina Strange

    I totally agree with Evan. And i want to add two points to this. Every woman who stays with a man how mistreats her is making it WAY much harder for the rest of the woman who have standards and long term she is making it harder for herself. Because the fewer women out there who will put up with mistreatment the sooner a guy will get his act together.

    Second, a lot of men put up faces in the beginning of caring, thoughtful and so on/forth, thats why we women fall in love. It’s hard to see that dream shatter and see the guy slowly change, get lazy, neglect you, stop making you his priority so on/forth. But that is up to you…either you can stay and hope it will change (it never does somehow only gets worse) or you can walk away and expect or find someone who will actually treat you better. I mean, there is a risk of you being alone but you are ALREADY alone emotionally and soon he will break up with you anyway.

  15. 46

    Thank you EMK for this !!!!!!!! I stumbled upon this blog, searching in vain for “How to get him back” articles.

    I had been putting up with unavailability, (emotional and physical), a constant stream of criticism, and extreme lack of affection for, 10 years. (I know, I don’t need anyone hear telling me how foolish that was) WHY ? I was living on the memory of an amazing first ten years !

    So I wasted some money on “How to Get Him Back Books” (some really lame shit there ! ) and read all kinds of blogs and advice for how to kiss up to a cold, distant, critical, mean spirited, largely absentee hubby. There was all kind of lame advice to wear long earrings & soft pastel colors, and the bullshit communication techniques of starting every sentence with “I feel this, that or the other”. Really, is a man who is criticizing my every move going to give a crapping rat’s patooty that “I feel scared” when he screams at me (for putting too much olive oil in the boiling water or getting too many phone calls from my Avon customers – like 2 to 3 a week) ?????? Is my pastel pink blouse and dangling pearl earrings going to change that ??????

    After a while, I started getting ANGRY at that stupid advice to kiss up to a man who was treating me like crap. Who cares that I felt like the most adored, cherished wife in the world, when we first met and married and when our son was young ? Who cares that the sex was amazing & that he was always telling me how much he loved me and our son ? That man “disappeared” ten years ago, and some angry, mean, critical person took his place. When he threw the phone at me because I was struggling to get the battery case open and I asked for his help, is the issue that I didn’t phrase my response correctly ? Am I supposed to say “I feel scared and hurt when you throw things at me” or can I just tell him to get an “effing grip” and control himself ? At that point is it MY communication that is the issue, or is it his bad behavior ? Or should I have just gotten out that point ? (rhetorical question folks, I should have ended it right then and there or even sooner)

    He was the one who asked for a divorce, and I SHOULD have just showed him to the door right then and there, but I begged and pleaded for him to stay and try and fix it (yes, I know, no need to point out the idiocy of that) I dragged him to marriage counselors and all they would offer us was divorce counseling. He admitted to the marriage counselor that he only married me because he thought I was cute. He told me, now that our son was 21, he didn’t me any more. It was hard to admit, but all I ever was to him, was a pretty little garden to plant his seed. I guess HE was blinded by chemistry and quickly put a ring on it without realizing that he didn’t really even LIKE me, he just was excited by the sex and the promise of fatherhood. I thought I was getting a kind, committed, considerate man who adored me, but he was just acting that way, because he was flying high on a sex buzz. (he had been celibate for about 2 years prior)

    Now that I am over the initial shock (why I the hell was I shocked ???) and grief, I am GLAD it’s over. I feel LESS lonely than I did while married to him. In fact, I feel pretty good.

    We got engaged at 6 months, married at 10 months. I have a feeling that if we dated for 2 years we would have parted ways. Instead, we got married while we were still in the sparkly haze of infatuation. We had a child and we built a life style that required the two of us to maintain. I ended up feeling unable to leave because of YEARS of habit, and the memories of what once was, and the vain hope that somehow magically we could go back to the way we were in the beginning. And there was NO SHORTAGE of shysters out there peddling snake oil, in the form of advice that such a union is WORTH saving (if I’m willing to crawl on my hands and knees and beg for affection apparently).

    Your mileage may vary, but I would advise against getting engaged in less than a year, and married in less than two. 2 – 3 years is a long enough period of time to evaluate if marriage to this person would be emotionally satisfying. Too much longer, someone is stalling because they don’t want to marry, too much sooner, you are high on chemistry and don’t know what you are doing.

    I can’t COMPLETELY regret this big ass mistake I made, because I do love my son dearly and can’t imagine not being his mother, but boy, oh boy, I sure paid a big price for it.

    1. 46.1

      I feel for you. As a woman who was also in an abusive marriage (because that’s what you were in), I can identify with you.  I don’t know about your guy but mines was going through lots of personal problems in his life and took it out on me. I also wasted money trying to  find ways to make him want me more but nothing worked. He cheated on me, belittled me and called me stupid and worthless and told me no man would ever want me. It was all bad. I finally left and boy did this man chase me to the ends of the earth!! Took him 3 years to finally leave me alone. I guess he never thought I’d leave him.

      Your story is the reason why I say women are the keeper’s of love and romance. Men make very quick snap decisions about love. They  jump in head first and are more likely to fall in love based on looks alone and before they know a woman. Its a woman’s job to slow down the pace to make sure he is worthy. But when a woman is just as blinded as he is, it always goes bad.

      Men no longer value women like they used to. My grandfather told me that when he was 20 years old, everyone told him it was important to find a wife. Now, 20 year olds are told to sleep around and hold off marriage for as long as possible. So now we’re running into men in their 30’s and 40’s who are time unable to commit and women who are deeply damaged with low self esteem.  More men are uninterested in commitment and women have become so desperate for love that we no longer have standards or we rather be independent and alone. It’s not supposed to be this way!

  16. 47

    Thanks, Evan, for this good piece of advice.
    I also read through the comments and many times I felt the same way as you described. Especially, when one of you told the story of letting go her emotionally unavailable boyfriend and then meeting a nice guy but not feeling that chemistry…
    We broke up (me and my boyfriend who’s got problems with his emotions) and I have done a lot of work by myself to digest what has happened, who I am, what I want in a relationship and if I am ready for it. I’ve found a great book on this matter which has been very helpful… And now I finished the “course” and -surprise!- I feel, “damn, I want him back” and realize that when I was dating him I, myself was also kind of emotionally unavailable to protect myself from any disappointment.
    Falling in love with someone who disappeared from my life about 2 months ago is really silly. But at least now I feel emotionally available 🙂 I was sure in the past week that I wanted him back. But after reading Evan’s post, I am no longer sure. It feels good this way 🙂 Thanks, Evan.

  17. 48

    I was seeing a man for the last month but my fears which are grounded in sustained emotional abuse as a child have seen fit to wreck a potentially wonderful relationship.  Chemistry and intensity was there from the beginning and he was really into me but I am guilty of doing most of the things in Evans book and my fear bled all over everything and I think I have lost him. he told me he wanted me to be the girl he met ( who wasn’t emotionally attached and took care of herself because she was happy and not scared ) but as soon as I started to have feelings I lost myself in the fear of losing him. I can only say if I hadn’t read this book that right now I’d be a heaving crying wreck. It has been 5 days since he told me he needs time alone to think and I fear that things may be irreversible. However if he decides I have truly pushed him away inspite of telling me I was his forever girl, then I can only be happy I found the book and move forwards from the moment ready to try again with the next person.

  18. 49

    thank you Evan for a clear and concise message!!!!!

  19. 50
    Dina Strange

    I had never tried to get him back. Ever! But weird thing happened, all of my ex-boyfriends eventually returned and tried to get me back!

    Suffice to say, i have “no return” policy! 

    1. 50.1

      Haha, me too! If Im the one whose leaving, you better believe I’ve reached my point of no return! Every guy I had something kind of serious with came back, but I was over it by then!

  20. 51

    There are more complicated situations than those that are mentioned here. There are men who have such broken pasts that they simply cannot believe things could work or there is genuine love. The irony of the situation is such that they are desperately looking for true unconditional love but when they find it they don’t believe in it. They are simply paranoid and withdraw in continuous distrust. Its tragic. And some of these men self sabotage in creating incidences of their own making and then project it on their partners in the name of incompatibility. The game of love nowadays is not so much about not finding the right person but more about psychosis, paranoia, distorted thinking and greed for something non existing. Its all about an altitude…your own altitude….not the others.

  21. 52

    This entire relationship outcome has been controlled by men..
    And first off I think there are some men who are great, but most have so much to learn on how to not get into a relationship with a woman when he’s not sure!
    I mean they don’t care to realize the emotional roller coaster we have to go through… Why are WE always trying to undersand them? Every article I’ve read is blaming the women for “doing something wrong” to drive him away..plse….. He comes into your life, says so much sweet things, you try to be open and honest with him that you don’t. Want to get hurt.. I mean we are women for god sakes.. We ve more to lose than men… And then after he gets us vulnerable and we are now sure t  be with him and accept his charming ways and promises to a life together.. He t hneeds to bail instead of working it out with the woman who put her trust in him? .all seen are all articles excusung “men” and balming women ….

  22. 53
    Shohini Das

    I am a 20 years old medical student madly in love with a man for d past 3 years… I have always been insecure about him, always felt that he does not love me back… wen I used to text him in whats app, he seldom used to text back, and even though he used to say things like,” u need to study, and not care about whether m texting back”, my impatience got the best of me and one day I asked him,” y do u never reply?”. he did reply that day saying something about a video I had sent him… but I was too angry and I told him a lot of things like,” it feels like I am forcing you… wat do u feel wen u see my texts” … I wrote a lot… later I felt I had gone overboard and I apologized to him but he never replied… I called him but he never answered. this has happened a lot of time before and every time I have gone back to him apologising. he used to call me only sometimes that too if I asked him to. I feel like I have done a big mistake by telling him all those… I regret saying him all those… I lost him because of my mistake, he will never call me and I am too tired to call him… please help me… to get out of this situation

  23. 54

    I agree 100% with this post . I’ve experienced this in my own life , however I came to the conclusion after much internal digging that my self worth was in these men who where unavailable. I would stick it out and tolerate their miss treatment and say ….hey how can they not see how awesome and great I am . I’ll just stay here going no where until they realize it . Yeah that produced no effective results . I had to learn my self worth came from myself not them ….

  24. 55

    I wish I would have read this earlier.. I seem to always end up with unavailable men that have anger towards women.. They do communicate that they don’t want to continue any type of communication but I seem to continue running, calling and texting … Until they are repulsed and resent me.. Work in progress …

  25. 56

    I consider myself a smart woman, and I currently know I am in this type of situation; involved with a narcistic carrot dangler! It has required way too much emotional energy on my behalf- I am a divorced single mom of two– and need to get it of my self- inflicted denial that it ISN’T taking a toll on me. It absolutely is. The anxiety that this dynamic brings to my life is destructive. He has a way of telling me it is all my issue. Be strong people and run. Surround yourself with healthier people. already broke it off once, but NO CONTACT must be in place this time. They are emotional leeches…

  26. 57

    Appreciate everyone’s comments. There seems to be a small window where I’m able to evaluate a partner, once that window closes. I’m overwhelmed by chemistry for a few months. If Im with a person who “isn’t into me” My default is to focus on the parts of behavior/ words that counter that,  I have to work so hard to force myself out of denial and face the facts that he doesn’t have the same depth of feelings. I will play the game (The show up and look fabulous and not have 1 drink but have 7 and…we know where that leads,,,) but eventually I get to the place where I just have to cut off all ties.

    I do like the “you like feeling anxious…etc.” I think it’s easy to transfer excitement into anxiety when with someone who doesn’t have the same feelings but is having fun…sigh….also…don’t believe can be friends,  not me anyways.  It’s the easy chat and laughter that usually sparks the dynamics.

  27. 58

    I’m sure I will beat everyone to the biggest dumb ass girl in the world!

    My husband and I were married 13 years thereafter seperated. The year after our split we met several times only for me to hear all the reasons he over 20 years that he held against me. At the end of the year he asked outright for a divorce saying I avoided meeting him when he asked

    So I started proceedings.

    Incidentally I moved him out of house for bad intolerable behaviour…telling lies refusing to communicate etc etc …It was total invalidation I couldn’t live with.

    Anyway when I started proceedings…He asked for options to avoid it…I suggested various. …another 8 months past. During that time I saw him a couple more times and he repeated his story…my wrongs over 20 years!

    I was turning 40 starting new job

    Decided I needed a line in the sand as nothing I proposed was accepted. So I refused to see him..bear in mind a year and a half had passed already!

    He would fone once a month ask me out be rude and unattended. ..repeat my wrongs ..but stupid me would still try to make sense of his behaviour and engage in the reasoning. ..or lack of it!!!

    Anyway…another year and half passed…no change…its been 3 years!!!

    I finally got it in my head he’s not coming back he just comes by to stir me up create drama and cause me pain ….another nd perhaps check if he could still pull me in.

    Yes he could. I genuinely loved him and wanted my marriage to work.

    Now 3 years seperated and 16 years married on the clock I am divorcing him !





  28. 59


    It’s not about him, it’s about YOU!

    I was dating a guy for 6 mos who has been hot and cold for 5 of them. I knew all along that I only had a few more chances left to give him before I started heading for the nearest exit.

    We talked about it twice. He promised to do better twice. I promised myself I would not bring it up again.

    Well, weeks passed and nothing changed. So I left him….I dumped him out of the blue. No arguments or anything, I just told him that I wasn’t getting what I wanted from this and no longer wanted to see him.  Honestly, should have done it 5 mos ago.

    Ladies, stop waiting for a man to make the decision for you. Make it for yourself! How do you feel most of the time? Happy? Satisfied? Anxious? Unsure? How you feel is your answer to rather you should leave or not.

    I want a man who can make time for me and plan nice things for us to do, a man who doesn’t take a day to respond to my texts, a man who calls me on the phone sometimes, a man who can spend a day with me without him feeling like he has better things to do. That’s what I wanted…that’s what I was not getting…I asked him to provide it and he didn’t…so I needed to leave. It’s not a mystery. It’s nothing to be confused about.

    You have to be OK with letting go of that fantasy of what you wanted him to be. That’s where the problem lies. I was obsessed with who he could be. And I’m sure he is capable of being that man, just not with me. Or maybe he isn’t capable at all and needs a woman who doesn’t like quality time. Yes, its a crappy thing to admit to yourself, and yes, I needed to do some damage control on my self-esteem  but I had to leave or else he’d break me down even more than I already had been broken.

    Don’t know if I can jump back on the dating scene but I’m OK with being alone for now.

  29. 60

    I was recently in the most fantastic relationship I’d ever had.

    Not long before I met him, I discovered Evan Marc Katz and had been following his advice. Suddenly, this AMAZING guy walked into my life. He did all the right things. He put in lots of effort, he was kind, considerate, open and honest. He treated me like gold. I followed Evan’s advice about being passive, and everything about the relationship went swimmingly. I was head over heels – and he said he was too.

    Two weekends ago, we went away together and had a great time. On the Saturday night, he said he had totally fallen for me, and that he wasn’t going anywhere because I was everything he had been looking for. I told him I felt the same (and this was not the first time we had had this conversation). On The Sunday morning, it was time to drive home. He said something that I found very hurtful, and I cried a little bit – the very first time he had made me cry. I wasn’t angry, I didn’t yell, I just had a few tears roll down my cheeks and I got quiet because I was thinking, and just wanted to be left alone.

    That was the end of the relationship. His face changed – he looked like an entirely different person. He said I was inflicting ‘major sabotage’ on the relationship and he needed time to think. He took a week. When he came to my place, he gave me a whole long list of reasons it wouldn’t work out in the long run. He had completely decided without even ever discussing any issues with me. When he dumped me, he was kind but firm. He broke up with me in the ‘right way,’ However, I am still so very confused. If he said he was in love with me and wasn’t going anywhere, how could he throw me away without even trying to fix any issues?

    For the people who say they wish they had been told what went wrong in the relationship: be careful what you wish for. It is not at all better to be told exactly why someone doesn’t think they want to be with you in the long run. I think it’s better if they just disappear – at least then you can attribute it to something being wrong with them. Now I just feel broken, betrayed and inadequate.

    1. 60.1

      He sounds like a totally classic commitment-phobe.  Just because he had his list of reasons doesn’t make those reasons valid.  Something is wrong with him.  Emotionally healthy people do not turn on a dime like that.

      I had a similar experience.  You will be very confused if you try to make sense out of it.  Trying to make sense out of something nonsensical will drive you crazy.   Best wishes in your recovery.

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