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I am writing to seek your take on the phenomenon of being contacted by ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. In my opinion, once it’s over, it’s over, and I move on with my life. Yet I have been contacted by a number of ex-boyfriends (three in the past three years alone) telling me how they regret breaking up with me, how still love me and miss me, and how they wish they could have another chance. The most recent contact has been from a man whom I knew 14 years ago and who lives in another country.
I don’t understand what the point is of contacting someone from so long ago in your past, especially when you no longer even live in the same city or country. Are these men just desperate and lonely? Are they living in a fantasy world? These messages throw me into an emotional turmoil because, as I said, I would like to be in a serious relationship. When I hear from these men, I begin to remember our relationship and wonder if it would be possible to get together again. My job is flexible, and I can work from anywhere in the world. So when these men contact me, I do take it seriously. Any insight? —Almita
Anyone who claims not to be selfish probably doesn’t have a clear-eyed view of the world.
Dear Almita,
I never say never.
I may win the lottery. I may get divorced. I may get pancreatic cancer and be gone before I’m 50.
I think all of these things are exceedingly unlikely, but they’re possible.
So what do we know about men who broke up with you in the past and are coming back for more?
Well, without knowing either you or them as individuals, all I can do is prognosticate, based on what I know about people.
- People are selfish.They do what’s right for themselves first and tend to sort of hope that they’re not hurting you in the process. Anyone who claims not to be selfish probably doesn’t have a clear-eyed view of the world. It’s common sense to be selfish. To maximize your needs, wants and desires. It doesn’t mean you’re unethical. It just means you’re pursuing your own happiness.
- People are shortsighted. We act. We react. We make the decision that makes sense at the time. Sometimes it means marrying the wrong person because you’re 27 and “in love”. Sometimes it means bailing on the right person because you’re “not ready” to settle down.
- People grow up. I don’t know a single person my age who looks back 5 years and sees the same exact person. I knew a lot more at 30 than I did at 25. I knew a lot more at 35 than I did at 30. And, on the cusp of 40, I know a lot more than I did 5 years ago, when I was five months into dating my wife.
- People have regrets. Some folks regret things that they did — breaking up with an amazing woman. Leaving a comfortable job for a more exciting opportunity that didn’t pan out. Some folks regret things that they didn’t do. Try writing that novel. Asking out that girl. I try to live my life with no regrets, but even the best of us have moments of “what if?”
Despite the many heartening things I said above, which may sway you to think that you may want to give one of your exes a shot, I’m still skeptical.
Because even though people regret, change, and evolve, at the end of the day, there are some things that don’t change.
Character rarely changes. A cheater is usually going to be a cheater. A liar is usually going to be a liar. A poor communicator is usually going to be a poor communicator. It’s not that it’s impossible for people, through life experience and therapy, to improve on various facets of their life — it’s that it’s a pretty risky crapshoot to consider that the disappointing man in your past has suddenly morphed himself into someone consistent and trustworthy.
Of COURSE he’s going to say he changed. His intentions may be 100% pure. But that guy is still high-risk.
Why?
I know why it might be tempting to rekindle an old flame with the devil that you know, but I’d strongly lean towards the one you don’t know.
Because he’s already burned you, that’s why!
He dumped you. He hurt you. He went away.
And now that his life is not where he wants it to be… now that he’s feeling lonely and vulnerable… now that he’s going through his mid-life crisis and can’t seem to pull off hitting on 29-year-olds in bars…
Now he comes crawling back, begging for another chance.
Is he sincere? Probably.
Is he a good bet? Probably not.
He’s the same guy who dumped you before. He’s just a lot weaker and needier right now, because of his circumstances.
Listen, I know why it might be tempting to rekindle an old flame with the devil that you know, but I’d strongly lean towards the one you don’t know.
Decline contact with your exes, start with a clean slate, and trust that the right guy — the one who will be with you ‘til the day you die — is not going to dump you the way these other 3 men did.
Almita, sadly Evan is right. Try to find a way to ignore these types of overtures. If nothing else, they showed that they had poor judgement when they broke up with a terrific woman like you, right? Regardless of what happened when, at the end of the day you deserve to be in a loving relationship with a man you don’t already know is willing to dump you.
Don’t do it. Don’t go back. Evan is right.
The last guy I loved was two years ago and I’ve been single ever since -he and I broke up in couples therapy. I gave the breakup a ‘soft landing’ with help of the counselor. Why? At first he was charming but he proved to be short tempered and overdrank. No can do.
With negotiation from the therapist I went over his house to pick up the last of my items (we didn’t live together), but he started to yell…then picked up the phone to call the police to have me escorted off the property “my ex is here causing a scene, come quick!!” I did nothing to provoke him. He was hurt and lashing out.
How humiliating that he would stop so low to lie to the police! Of course I left immediatly and swore never to be alone with him again as he proved himself untrustworthy and dangerous.
Took me some time to get over that.
Guess who came back a year later asking for another chance? Emailing and phoning. Asking me to dinner. Asking for forgiveness. Saying it was hard out there. Saying that I was one of a kind, one in a billion, etc. etc. Begging for forgiveness, one more chance.
After blocking him in every possible way he somehow found my new phone number so I told him to stop or I’d file a restraining order.
He showed his crazy side again, for the final time- called me all sorts of names and said have a nice life. Haven’t heard from him since.
Imagine if I had gone back and given him one more chance to bring the crazy!? Billions of men in the world. Never look back!
I am going to disagree on this one. Yes, people change with time but deep down are probably the same person. I feel the woman should think back on the individual relationships she had with each man. What was the reason for the break ups? When thinking back on the relationships, were they too young, refusal to convert to his religion, differing views on marriage, differing goals toward life and family? A man will leave if the female is unable or unwilling to meet his criteria at that time for marriage. If with any of these men, circumstances have now changed with the passing years then giving it another try may be worth her time. If this woman feels that upon looking back there was a past mate who at the time she could not meet his criteria for a relationship and marriage but now can. If I were this woman I would reply to that man and give it a try with eyes wide open.
Almita asked:
“When I hear from these men, I begin to remember our relationship and wonder if it would be possible to get together again.”
In my breakups, I’ve always considered that the person who broke things off is the only one with a reasonable chance of rekindling things.
However, it takes more than a change of heart. To quote a book title: “It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” In order for there to be a chance going forward, you have to determine why it was broken, and whether the underlying problem has been fixed (or will be fixed).
To give you an example where things could work out:
Several years ago I dated a divorcee who had two young children. We broke up because she wanted to pursue a relationship with someone else. I had also been reluctant to get too serious because she had joint custody of two children (and I didn’t want kids).
Let’s suppose the two of us were simultaneously available 15+ years in the future. She has already dated that other man, and they have split up. And by that time, her kids will be grown and gone. The two main issues will have already resolved themselves, leaving a reasonable chance moving forward.
But there are some other situations which make my (hypothetical) situation easier than yours. We live in the same area and still cross paths in the same social circles. Dating wouldn’t involve a long-distance relationship or a move. My hypothetical situation requires less investment than yours and is probably more likely to succeed.
Almita asked:
“Are these men just desperate and lonely?”
They’d like to be in a relationship, possibly a long-term one. It’s easy to forget the problems and remember the good parts of an old relationship. But I don’t see any indication that they’re more desperate and lonely than you. (But they’re probably less cautious, which should encourage you to be more cautious.)
Almita asked:
“Are they living in a fantasy world?”
Not really. They just took an action (contacting you) which took minimal investment, and has a chance of being successful in the long run. Dating (from the man’s perspective) is filled with low investment / low return actions.
Even in my hypothetical situation (where the major problems are clearly resolved), I wouldn’t pursue an inconvenient relationship. I’d limit my dating to women who are in the same city.
I disagree with the idea that people’s characters rarely change. In fact, one argument against re-connecting with the guy from 14 years ago is that you both have probably changed a lot. And odds are not in similar directions.
I also don’t equate selfishness with gaining happiness in this world. In fact, I’d say that the ability to over-ride much of our selfishness is a key to any healthy relationship.
Furthermore, people successfully reunite much more often than winning the lottery. Personal situations change. Priorities change. Level of relationship wisdom changes.
With all of that said, I’m still inclined to agree with Evan’s general skepticism. Pleas asking to get back together again coming out of the blue smack of desperation. Instead of making the effort to strike up a conversation and learn about where the other person is at, and whether there even is attraction and interest present, what’s offered is a bunch of assumptions. Which indicates pretty unclear thinking, as well as a lack of respect for the fact that X number of years have passed, and you have moved on with your life.
In other words, how someone contacts you tells you a lot about where they are at. If someone sounds desperate, they probably are.
“These messages throw me into an emotional turmoil because, as I said, I would like to be in a serious relationship. ” This is where you, Almita, need to examine things more closely. Is any of the turmoil coming from truly wanting to meet someone again and see if it could work out? Or is it just your own loneliness and disappointment over not having that committed person in your life? If you haven’t thought much, or at all, about these men over the years, then I’d guess it’s the latter.
I agree with a poster that you should judge each on a case-by-case basis. What was the relationship like, why did he (or you) quit the relationship, how long had the relationship been, how close had you become, what was the guy even like, if he left you for a particular reason then has that reason changed, etc.
In my experience, guys from your past are from your past (and not your present) for a reason. Since I’ve been divorced, I’ve had a number of men from my past reach out to me. Each time I’ve met them, or befriended them, or even dated them, I’ve soon realized why they were in my past & not my present. I wondered if I had made a mistake in marrying the guy I’d divorced and if I should have dated those guys instead. Each time I realized that, no, I made the right decision about all those other men, even if I was just in high school, college, or a young adult at the time. It let me know that, even back then, my judgement was sound & reliable.
Finally, if the man is serious about approaching you, then he should be willing to put his money and his feet where his mouth is. He should be willing to fly to where you are and court you. Just because your job is flexible does not mean you should do the heavy lifting. Because he’s the one asking you for something, he should show that he is serious in his ask.
Nathan @#5 said: “In other words, how someone contacts you tells you a lot about where they are at. If someone sounds desperate, they probably are.”
Exactly! And I would add: how someone breaks up with you also tells a lot about who they are.
Dumping you and then showing up in your email inbox out of the blue months or years later with no idea of where you are at to request a second chance is incredibly self-absorbed and not a good sign of improved character and relationship skills. They do not even know who you are at that point, and if this is not desperation, then I do not know what that is.
I agree with Karl @#4 that in some instances, reasons to end a relationship become irrelevant years later, therefore it would be a whole different story to meet up again – after a previous compassionate ending of a relationship – in a common social circle and realize that circumstances have indeed changed.
As Evan always says: “People to do what they want to do”. From that observation, we can look at things rationally and make wise choices for ourselves.
I’ve also experienced the “returning of the ex phenomenon”. As Karl said: low investment, low risk for them! Actually each of them came back months or years later, regardless of who had ended up things. I would quickly remember the lack of compassion in the “disappearance act” if he had disappeared, the lack of self-esteem if I had ended things, the incompatibilities I had overlooked, and the narcissism of the “coming back” out of the blue assuming that I was waiting for them, holding my breath. That speaks volumes of their character. So that was relatively easy to ignore, say NEXT! (most of them time I was indeed dating someone else), and a couple of years later meet my out-of-this-world boyfriend with whom there is no previous disppointment, no history of disrespect and narcissism.
It’s tempting to give in in the ease of microwaving left-overs, but fresh is always better, and well worth the patience and the work involved.
although your arguement sounds nice its flawed as time is your biggest opponent. While your out there single trying to find love you’re competing against others that are more genetically gifted and maybe more financially sound. when you start to think of starting fresh it’s hard to fathom when you yourself maynot be fresh because as humans we age. When it comes to finding romance no one wants to date an older person who has flaws and misplaced expectations. Maybe an ex can be a renewed contiuation but in other cases starting fresh means relying on someone who may not be the best person but the only person available. dating is a numbers game and people die thus lowering and increasing the dating pool. I hope your someone who can keep a fresh outlook on life and maintain an excellent level of health otherwise you may find yourself relunctingly calling upon your exes..
This really depends on why the breakups occurred. However, I have also been contacted by ex-boyfriends who regretted breaking up with me, and in one case, I contacted someone whom I had broken up with. Each one swore that he was a changed man, and I think a couple of them did actually love me. But the problem was that none of them had actually changed, so the same issues just re-occurred.
After so many disappointments, I finally decided to put all my exes in the past for good. Although I always want to leave things on good terms, I made a decision not to remain active friends (Passive Facebook “friends” is the extent of any contact). I wanted to clear away any negative energy or roadblocks from my past. I’ve also tried to forgive the guys I’ve carried any anger towards, to realize that I am not a slave to past mistakes, and that I’m better off without them. Lo and behold, a few months ago I met a wonderful new man who treats me better than any of them ever did. I now see with utter certainty, that these men are my exes for a reason. No matter how old you are – and I’m middle-aged – a good relationship is worth waiting for.
Also, it’s not even so much that the men didn’t change, but the way that the two of us interacted together had not changed.
If they’re cheating on their girlfriends, NO!
But if they’re single and were too young the first time around….
Also, you are in turmoil from one contact. That leads me to believe no relationship will work because you are not stable.
I recently made a similar decision to Ruby around some exes or former love interests from my past who I realized never would be real friends, nor should be considered potential dating options. I even cleared them off of Facebook because it seemed like completely cutting them out made the most sense. I have a few other exes that have become valued friends, which is one reason why I think closing the door on all exes is excessive. But I do think that if you reflect back on a relationship and remember a lot of difficulties and misery, it’s best to stay looking forward, and to leave that person in the past.
I think it has to be case by case. I ran into an ex who I dated for 3 yrs, at a rest stop on the highway half way across the state, were mid-20’s, broke up to differences in what we wanted, we got along but I wanted to get more serious he didn’t. Haven’t seen him since. At the rest stop we made small talk, told him I was newly divorced, we exchanged contact info (He is exiting a miserable marriage of his own). We have had JUST LUNCH every month or so since last summer. We live and work 45 minutes apart so its not convenient. I have no idea if anything romantic will evolve, he knows I date on-line and otherwise, he is still wrapping up a divorce, nobody wants to be a rebound. However, we both find comfort talking with each other, and actually getting to know each other again. We have evolved into different people over 24 years, but in many ways we are still the same, familiar. Maybe Karma had something to do with us bumping into each other at such an odd location at that precise moment. The door was closed 24 years ago, but I am glad to have rekindled a friendship.
If you are up for another dose of emotional pain & disappointment, just get back with an ex. Evan is right on this one. There are literally billions of people in this world that we have not met yet. Shut the door on the past & go out & open some new ones.
Like Evan says..never say never. However…my belief is that when a relationship ends, there’s a good reason it ended, even if that reason isn’t immediately apparent to the one who was left. I always thought if a man left me and came back later, it was a sign that “it was meant to be,” that he’d come to his senses and realized what a good thing he let slip through his fingers. Nah. The cold reality is that he’d simply hit a dry spell and was yearning for the old familiar. Fast-track style, as if we could dive right in right where we left off, no need for reflection or a slow pace to get reacquainted. Nothing good has ever come from me allowing a past lover to re-enter my life. And if he left me once, it’ll be even easier for him this time. I don’t owe a former lover a second opportunity to leave me. And if it was me who ended the original relationship, I trust my instincts were right the first time around.
I think it very much depends on the person, and why the relationship ended. There are some exes whom I am more than happy to leave in the past, and if they were to come knocking on my door again, I would feel quite comfortable declining, because we were simply not compatible.
However, I think that sometimes relationships break up because one or both of you lacked valuable relationship skills, and these can be learned and are more likely to come with maturity.
I think you should treat an ex (that you are willing to give a second shot) like any other stranger you would start to date and take time to get reacquainted, and avoid rushing in and getting too invested too soon just because you know them.
Yes, peple make mistakes, people regret, people come back, people change. But you cannot swim in the same water twice, so if this person disappointed you at once – that wiil probably happen again.
I am a big fan of the saying, “Exes are an EXample of what not to do in the future, in a relationship.”
I do not accept guys coming back for a second chance, nor even an apology. Two years ago, a man I dated in college who was physically abusive to me, found me on Facebook and sent me a private message to apologise for the abuse, from seventeen years ago. I replied with: “X, the time for you to apologise to me was seventeen years ago, not now. There is never an excuse, never a reason to hit a woman. Ever. Do not contact me ever again. I don’t want your apology, nor do I accept it. Abuse is unforgivable in my book. Stay away from me.”
I don’t need, nor want, a second chance to get rejected all over again, I’d rather start with a nice clean slate, than get involved with someone who’s already hurt me before. Thanks, but no thanks.
I’m going to disagree with the idea that outright rejection of the idea of rekindling something with an ex is the rule, and agree with some of the people who have so far said it depends on the circumstances. I think the concept depends on several factors.
First, if someone was abusive (in any fashion) or there were simply unpleasant realities to the original relationship, then yes…outright dismissal of the idea should be the rule.
However, a good number of relationships don’t break up because of this reason. Often times (and nobody likes to come out and say this, but it does happen quite a bit) one person decides to exit the relationship because, in one way or another, they think they can find something “better.” Should this be a point of automatic dismissal? I’m not so sure. Often times this point of view comes about because of immaturity (at the time of the original relationship). This is usually what is meant when someone says they are not ready to “settle down”–they believe something better is out there. Now, whether or not this should be taken as an insult really depends on what kind of expectations this person had–and quite a few people have really lofty expectations and immature views of this.
In cases like that, depending on the time passed, sometimes I think its a good idea to take a look at it again. Was the relationship generally a good one? Did it end on amicable terms with dignity and honesty? I’m not talking about the reaction of the person being broken up with necessarily, but how the person breaking it off accomplished the task. If the general answer to these was “yes”, then perhaps there’s a chance.
(Before someone says that its a bad idea because they thought they could find someone “better” and going back with them would be “settling”…I want to point out that obviously they determined they were wrong, if this is the case. Your ego doesn’t apply here unless you choose to look at it that way)
If there is a chance, its also going to depend on YOU. Are you someone who holds grudges and are therefore going to look for things to be wrong? If you are, then its not a good idea.
To those that say there are “plenty of fish” out there, and in one case above “billions of people”…I’d like to point out a caution in this belief. I grant that the internet and world globalization have “expanded” the dating scene quite a bit…but a little bit of rational thought about this is a good idea. If this was someone you had a connection with, that’s NOT a common thing and should not be taken lightly. Let’s use some numbers here to put aside this rather obnoxious belief:
First, you could potentially go out on a date per night (yes, some could do more, but let’s be more realistic). That’s attempting to superficially connect with 365 people per year. Assuming an average dating range of 30 years (yes, we could adjust that a bit, but I’m using an average: If you are 20 and looking to settle down and get married with kids, its roughly 15-20 years for women realistically and even that is stretching it)…wow, that’s 10,950 potentials. Not billions by any stretch…but…not terribly shabby.
However…in order to really determine if you have the makings for a relationship here…this is not generally what happens. Most people go out on a date or two per week (hey, we do have other things to do), so now we’re down to yet a smaller number: 1560 to 3120. That’s assuming you “rule out” the relationship on the first date, which sometimes happens. HOWEVER, let’s assume you spend more than one date with this person, with an average of “getting to know someone” over the course of 2-4 weeks before some are ruled out. Factoring that in with the original 1-2 per week (the math gets complicated and I won’t bore everyone with it) and now you’re ACTUALLY down to under 1000 in that 30 years. NOW, let’s factor in an average of 5-10 relationships you have which go several months to a couple of years in that mess (and assuming said relationships don’t work out). Ugh…now you’re down to, REALISTICALLY, a pool of PERHAPS 100-300 if you’re lucky. Perhaps if you are really prolific in the dating scene you could up your numbers a bit but that would likely be a losing game as you would not likely really be getting to know anyone very well.
Now here’s the additional kicker–of that pool (at any stage above), you also have to consider that THEY may not continue with or be into YOU. Yes, its the old “its not all about you” thing. So, roughly cut those numbers in half (as an average) as they all assume everyone in that “list” is agreeable to YOU as a potential.
What this all means is that I don’t believe its necessarily a great idea to completely rule out anyone you may have had a connection with, provided there weren’t overt issues in the relationship itself. You DON’T have “billions” of other choices or chances at a connection with said many people. You simply don’t, as much as you might like to believe you do. Don’t take a connection with anyone lightly.
agreed…. i think statistics have a useful place…. the older we get the less often we “connect’… whatever that means
@P:
So let me ask you something. Would YOU want someone back in your life, who left because they thought they could “do better”?
No thanks. Sure, maybe a relationship ended on good terms, maybe the other person didn’t know that the dumper was looking for something else, and realized that they were wrong. But really? Do you really want to chance that one more time?
I used to date exes, years ago, and even dated a former boyfriend, shortly after my ex husband and I were legally separated. I realized very quickly why this former boyfriend, was a FORMER BOYFRIEND. Stood me up for dates, did not call like he said he would, etc. People rarely change their character, despite what they’ll tell you.
It’s like EMK has said, time and time again. Believe it when someone shows you who they are. My exes showed me who they were as people. Sure, my ex fiance did grow up, he’s married now, in another state, and happy. But if something happened in his marriage, and he contacted me and wanted to try again? I’d say absolutely not. I’d been there and done that with him, and while he’s not a bad person, there was no abuse or anything like that in the relationship, I’m not sure I want to find out again what it would be like if he left. No thanks.
I have been “too nice” and too forgiving to men who did not deserve it, and I am no longer that sweet little doormat I was in my 20s. I am older, wiser, and not about to put up with anyone’s games or commitment issues. Guys get one chance with me. One. They blow it, they are gone. I am too old for the drama.
Uh…Evan may say it, but he’s quoting Maya Angelou when he writes: “When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.”
I wouldn’t necessarily date an ex but I wholeheartedly agree with p’s point about there not being as many fish in the sea as we think. I remain constantly amazed at how people of both sexes so cavalierly choose to not give others a chance for the pettiest of reasons, as though people are like trains and if you throw out one guy another just like him but better will come along next week, or month, or whenever it’s convenient for YOU. How ridiculous. If I meet someone with whom I connect, I want to hold into them even if they don’t dress exactly how I prefer, or it’s not the most convenient time in my life, or they accidentally say something dumb. If I actually met a guy who thought this way too — not saying girls don’t think this way too, but I don’t date them — I’d be ecstatic bc it seems rare, at least among the people I meet.
nice points there Mia…. I have noticed how much the ditch and re-hitch ethic is promoted… maybe it’s an extrovert notion?
@Heather
Again, it would depend on the circumstances. Consider something here: If you honestly believe that you will have a long relationship with anyone and they won’t at SOME POINT wonder if there is something “better” out there, you are in fact fooling yourself (or an extreme narcissist).
Now, from your reply, you seem to have polarized against something I didn’t say. I did NOT say be a doormat. I did not say give “second chances” to people who treated you poorly.
Depending on what stage someone is in through their life, they may make a decision to end a relationship because they started thinking there might be better out there (or whatever reason…it doesn’t have to be that). They can do this with CHARACTER…ending a relationship doesn’t imply ANYTHING against someone’s character. In fact, depending on the reasoning, it may in fact say a very POSITIVE thing about their character. Don’t make the narcissitic assumption that just because the RESULT wasn’t what YOU wanted that somehow that says something about the other person’s character in a negative light.
Again, and a reminder…this set does NOT include those who treated you poorly in the relationship. That’s a different situation.
To answer your question, yes…I might date someone again who ended a relationship because they THOUGHT they might do better. Most likely I wouldn’t KNOW that is what they were doing…but I might do it even if I did, and the relationship was decent from my point of view and ended with integrity and character.
Why would I do this?
Because my ego is not so huge as to think I’ve never considered this course of action in every relationship I’ve ever been in. I HAVE. Some I’ve ended because of this reason…AND because of where I was in my life at that time. It wasn’t just the consideration…the two work together.
And here’s something to ponder. That person ended things honorably. As it turned out, they found out they were wrong in thinking there was something better and have re-approached with a new-found (or re-kindled) appreciation for you. How is this any different in “odds” than the person who you are with who has not done this, but is silently wondering? Your odds are the same, or better with the original.
My point was simply that it depends on circumstances…a “one size fits all” rule really doesn’t apply.
@P:
Well, I guess that is why there is chocolate and vanilla. I for one, do not have a big ego, but I also do not want anyone who rejected me, to have a second chance to do so. Sure, we all wonder about whether there is someone out there that is better than our current partner. But the difference is that if I dump someone because I feel we’re not compatible and really do think I can do better, I do not go back to that person later and ask to try again, because I try to be considerate of that other person’s feelings, and realize that were I in their shoes, I wouldn’t want me back, after being rejected. And to me, I see doing that as being selfish and inconsiderate of the dump-ee’s feelings, like EMK was alluding to earlier.
Maybe it’s just me, but I sure as hell will not allow someone who’s rejected me once, for whatever reason, doesn’t matter if it was amicable or not, to come in and possibly reject me again. Been there, done that, too old for that nonsense.
– @ P
For some people, an uncompromising standard of ego validation is more important than a humble sense of mutually shared companionship.
If this is an informed choice, it is hard to fault them.
The problem, I suspect, is that some of these individuals are more invested in a hypothetical world, than the real one they live in.
well said, clarifies a lot — i got into some kind of ‘ego validation’ as a young person but I don’t think it was ‘informed choice’ just blindfolded stumbling from one person to the next… looking for something and overlooking a hell of a lot — letting opportunities slide and not paying attention to how my actions affected others and how I was shaping my future as a jaded individual who has no one to blame but herself
@Heather #17
It’s never too late to say you’re sorry; if the guy was offering an apology, and you didn’t detect an ulterior motive (say, trying to get back together), and all he wanted was to apologize, then it’s pretty lousy not to accept.
There are things I did 30 years ago that I’d like to apologize for, not because I want forgiveness, or to get back together, or to even rekindle a friendship, but because it’s right to express remorse and validate what the girl has known all along. I run across those gals again, I’ll offer an apology with no strings attached.
People *do* go through serious changes of heart, especially when it’s been a lot of years: perhaps he was going through AA’s step 9. What’s the harm in being gracious when it costs you nothing?
Of course, I’m not suggesting that accepting the apology means that you forget about the offense and give the guy another chance, and only you can read into the intentions of the guy.
This has happened to me more than once and it never works out. I just end up being left again. My ex boyfriend left me and came back a week later begging forgiveness only to leave again after 5 more months. That cut me up because my heart was broken twice in 6 months and I never really trusted him after the first time. Further, I blamed myself for taking him back which compounded the misery. However, I have never stopped loving him so I would find it hard not to take him back if he came back now 2 years on, even though I know he won’t and rationally I know that it would be high risk if I did, because I love him and I know that realistically I will never meet anyone like him again – he was highly intelligent, ambitious, liked doing the same activities, handsome and until he left treated me very well. I am currently seeing someone who is really into me and treats me well but is none of these things. I am not happy. I am not falling in love even though he has character. If anything, when I am with him I feel very very sad as it feels like I am totally giving up on love and I don’t want to go through life feeling like that.
Something that hasn’t been mentioned as a valid reason for a breakup is life circumstances.
Sometimes a person lives in another city and cannot move. Sometimes they need to move for a job. Sometimes someone has to take care of an ailing loved one. Sometimes a person knows that they are still wounded from life circumstances and takes a “time out” from dating to deal with their proverbial baggage instead of dragging another person into their misery. Sometimes people need to date enough people to fully appreciate your wonderful qualities.
There are all kinds of valid reasons why someone might have broken up with somebody. Everything in relationships is a negotiation. If you want to try to make it work under different circumstances, you can always try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?
I’m not a conventional person. At middle age, I now realize that there are a select few people in my life who have really took the time to get to know me and love and appreciate all of my quirks. If you are like me, I would say — along with P and Paragon — to open your mind to these people who appreciate you. In my own life, I now realize how rare these connections are.
Even though getting back together with an ex wouldn’t work for me, I do know people for whom it has worked. These particular reconciliations have resulted in marriages. One man broke up with a woman to pursue a relationship with someone he thought he had more chemistry with, but who turned out to be unstable, then ended up getting back together with the first woman. Two other men weren’t over their exes, and were not ready for a new relationship at that time. Another couple didn’t get along well when they initially dated, but the man continued to pursue the woman over the years, and they eventually got back together. Still another couple broke up when the girl went away to college. I’m sure there are other examples I’m not remembering right now.
So it’s true that life circumstances, readiness, and timing also play a part. Interestingly, even while not in a relationship, all of these people maintained some contact with their exes, and I don’t know of anyone who reappeared out of the blue after an extended absence. I’d guess that the ability to remain friendly was helpful.
Editor: GRAMMAR CORRECTION!
“have really took the time…”
should be
“have really taken the time…”
I agree completely with P @ 18. There are NOT billions of people to choose from. There are hundreds, or at best, thousands, and most of those would be disqualified for any number of reasons.
I am not talking about those exes who were abusive or treated you poorly, or where you were simply incompatible. They absolutely should be left in the past, and you should just move on.
But relationships break up for other reasons, quite frequently. If that person broke up with you honourably and considerately, but decided they needed to not be in the relationship at that time, if there is still love between you? That is a totally different story. I would not throw a genuine connection away, as to me, that has value, and I think if one lives in this black & white world, you might find yourself being unhappy.
Instead of making a blanket rule that if either of you chose to walk away from the relationship, for *whatever* reason, that it should be cut off right then and there, how about trusting yourself and your own judgment to navigate the situation?
I think cutting off someone who we feel hurt us is often about ego, and not necessarily the bad kind of ego, it’s self-preservation. But I know my relationships have been my biggest teachers, and I’m actually genuinely grateful to these men for what those relationships taught me, and how they humbled me.
What I’ve said would have an important caveat though – I think it’s only worth giving an ex a second shot if you think they love you, and not just because it’s convenient.
I understand the temptation to attempt a second chance with an ex. Genuine connections AREN’T that easy to come by despite the billions of people on the planet. And if the break up took place within the last few years, there may still be feelings to build upon if the reason(s) for the breakup have been resolved.
But after 14 years? That sounds like someone who is romanticizing the past because they aren’t finding anyone in the present. And the thing about romanticizing the past is, the person doing it tends to forget what the relationship was really like, and what all led to it’s ending.
Almita, you say because you can work from anywhere in the world, when these ex’s contact you you take it seriously. You also stated in your opinion once it’s over, it’s over. So WHY are you taking ex’s contacting you out of the blue seriously? That’s what you need to figure out.
@ Steve:
How is it “lousy” to reject an apology, and a very self-serving one at that? That apology I got was full of excuses, no accountability. Sorry, but your judgment doesn’t work. I know what happened, I was there, I read the email. It smelled of just ego, and making HIMSELF feel better, NOT me.
I don’t understand why people feel the need to come back, and apologise, years on down the road. I suspect it is ego stroking, trying to make themselves feel like a good person, etc. That is where I see ego playing in, in someone trying to get back together with an ex. Their ego many times is such that they don’t think about that other person. It seems like they don’t stop and think, “Hold on a minute. You know, they may still be hurting/don’t want to talk to me/have moved on and maybe married, so this might not be appropriate behavior.”
I agree with the above poster about not allowing an ex to come back being about the good ego, it is a way of taking care of oneself, setting boundaries. I have had to set boundaries with myself, as well as with others, and kept contact with exes to a minimum. I do not want to give off any kind of vibe that I want to rekindle what we once had, and I also want to protect my heart from unnecessary drama.
For me, this policy works because I have seen way too many people get hurt by going back to exes. Sure, there are exceptions. But for me, getting rejected once and then going back to it, is like being smacked, and then walking back and going hey, can you smack me again?
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
@P, @Mia: Agree wholeheartedly with what you said. I am from a country where arranged marriages are the norm and had an opinion that it is quite easy to pick a great companion/partner/spouse by going on dates frequently. This calculation drove the point home (and opened my eyes) that one needs to be quite fortunate even in the countries where dating is more prevalent to find a suitable or compatible partner. I find it both surprising and amazing that people break up for the reasons that Mia mentioned.
Evan.. do you know you have a Russian name?:))
It’s sooo right..
I am finding this all very pertinent because only last week I took the decision to re-contact a guy I dated 2 years ago, when I saw his profile active on a dating site I’d just rejoined.
The first time, we only went on 2 dates. I liked him, but decided to stop seeing him because he was very recently separated – I was quite shocked on our first date to discover he’d only been separated 6 WEEKS, and in fact hadn’t even moved out of the family home, yet. The thought of the upheaval he was about to go through (which he seemed blissfully unaware of !) made me nevous, and made me feel like I’d just turn out to be “rebound girl.” So on the basis of some minor infraction (asking to see me for our third date on a weeknight instead of a saturday) I called it off. I remember a the time thinking “this is the kind of guy you’d want to meet 2 years down the line, when he’s settled in his new apartment, his kids have adjusted to the new set-up, he’s been on a few dates – including a few bad ones – and has more idea of who he is now and what he wants.” So when I saw him on the dating site, I took a deep breath and recontacted him. I kinda figured it was me who’d called it off, so it was up to me (even though I’m the woman) to make the first move and make contact. We went out last saturday night. He’s been back in touch this week, but hasn’t set up our next date yet. To say I’m feeling wary would be an understatement – originally, I felt he seemed a bit clueless about dating, which was understandable as he’d only just started, but now 2 years on he still seems….well, a bit clueless. He’s keeping lines of communication open, but hasn’t arranged a second date. Is he already seeing someone? If so, why is he on the dating site every day, and why is he bothering to keep in touch with me? Its all questions at the moment, but if nothing else, I’ll lay this ghost to rest….watch this space!
Helene
“So on the basis of some minor infraction (asking to see me for our third date on a weeknight instead of a saturday) I called it off.”
I’m wondering why you didn’t tell him the truth? It’s perfectly reasonable not to want to date someone not divorced and not actually separated, if he hadn’t even moved out yet. Under those circumstances, I’d say he had no business trying to date anyway. When did the divorce become final? He may still not be ready, but best of luck.
You are overthinking this. He is ‘clueless about dating’ because he did not set up a second date yet? Maybe he doesn’t know the set of rules of indirect communication you think men are supposed to know. Maybe he is asking out a few women right now. Maybe you are his favorite so far, but he has his kids this weekend, he is going on a trip, he had other dates booked weeks ago, or work is overloading him. Maybe you aren’t his favorite, he does not intend to go out with you again, but he likes to talk to you. Maybe he figures you are going to call it off again for a mysterious (to him) reason and so he is not investing an hopes in you at all.
There could be loads of reasons you see what you are seeing, and you will drive yourself crazy trying to guess the reality and stalking him online.
Reread the 5/17 blog. Enjoy talking to him. If he asks you out again have fun on that date and don’t worry about what it means. If he doesn’t, then you ask him out again, or let it drop.
Ruby is right to ask why you didn’t tell him the truth. If I were him and learned that you used an excuse to break it off rather than being upfront even with yourself as to why, I would be wary of you.
@ Ruby
I think what I said to him at the time kind of incorporated both elements – when he suggested a third date on a tuesday evening (again!)2 weeks after our second date, (who wants to be “tuesday night” girl??!) I replied something like: “I think we’re coming at this from very different angles – I’m really looking for someone to BE with, whereas you seem too busy for that right now and seem to be looking for something more casual…” or something of that sort.
As we’ve only met once so far this time around I haven’t grilled him about the details of his divorce, but he did spontaneously make a comment (in the context of “how’s life going for you?”) about how he was looking forward to his divorce coming through, so presumably its in the pipeline – in the UK a divorce where there are kids involved takes around 2 years, so it does sound as though he’s been pushing forward with that.
Thanks for the good wishes – I have a sneaking feeling he’s still maybe only looking for “tuesday night girl” but I felt I had to give it a go.
@ Helene
What nights does he have his children? Maybe Tuesdays are one of his only regular free nights off. If you want someone available 7 nights a week or for spontaneous short planned trips or outings, you can’t date anyone with kids.
I have also recently been contacted by ex-boyfriends. I am 38 and recently engaged to an AMAZING man who would likely have slipped through my fingers had I not read Evan’s book. The interesting facts about the two guys who have contacted me are that: 1) I dated both of them well over ten years ago, 2) they are both 38 years old, and 3) when I advised both of them that I am happily engaged to the man of my dreams, they quickly offered up lame excuses for ending the conversations and vanished. I was contacted by both of them within the past two months, and I have not heard from them since. One point that was quite interesting was that one man could not believe that I had moved on. Ego, it seems, can be debilitating for some.
@SalsaQ
Your point about the kids is well-taken… I don’t have kids and in many ways am not especially keen on dating someone who does, however true to Evan’s teachings I am trying to be less rigid about my “list of requirements” in order to expand my dating pool and give people a chance. The reality is that I have found that in my age group (late 40s) among men on dating websites, almost every man either HAS kids or WANTS kids. The “want kids” guys I have to avoid as as my age I can’d deliver (no pun intended!) ansd if I rule out men with kids I’m ruling out practically everyone! Ideally, someone whos kids don’t live woth them would be easier… This guy has his kids living with himall week eveey other week, or something like that, so rather than seeing them on a set night a week he has a “week on/week off” kind of arrangement. If we do manage to get a relationship going I’m really not sure how I will feel in that set up but I do have a certain amount of anxiety about it – I suppose that my feeling is its up to him to make it work, by getting a sitter once or twice a week in the week he has the kids so that we can see each other -I don’t think I want a man who just “disappears” every other week. Obviously at the point we’re at we have not talked about any of this stuff so I don’t know what his viws are or how he forsees things working with a girlfriend – me or anyone else!
Interesting discussion. I have worked with my ex part time since he broke up with me 3 years ago. Recently I learned that soon he may be leaving our work situation and I can finally have no contact. I have considered leaving our work situation as well, many times, and either way, one of us is likely to leave by the end of this year. While I very much look forward to no contact and being able to completely put him in the past (which is difficult to do with regular, sustained contact with an ex) I have a very strong intuition that he will contact me in the future and try to spend time with me. It will be “safer” for him to do this without having to work together.
I know he is still single, and after reflection, it is obvious he left me because he felt he could “do better”. He wants a younger woman but I think perhaps he is getting his comeuppance – despite his good looks apparently it’s not that easy to find a woman 10-20 years younger as a partner. He is not broke but he is certainly not rich.
After he broke up with me (twice) I was very depressed but I had to put on a facade in order to work with him. It was draining but somehow I came through on the other side. At this point it is perhaps possible I can be friends with him…although I am afraid that it could be tempting for both of us since neither one of us is seeing anyone. I plan to be strong and not give in to any overtures since history does tend to repeat itself and I really don’t think I need to be dumped a third time.
well, for once I disagree, I am seeing an ex whom I have always loved and vice versa after 25 years of both of us having bad marriages. I was part of the issue being very immature and selfish and wanting to be married and finding out now that my dating during the relationship is what ended it in the first place even though I was open about it. But one-sided openness does not mean both parties agree. I also was rather narrow minded in my religious beliefs.
So now we are getting to know each other all over again. He has become more considerate and communicative, I now know how to listen and have broader interests, much to his surprise. We both are in our 50s and hope to be together before we get too old, as I think we both feel this time it will have to be for keeps. But there are some exes that are a definite no, not now, not ever.
Елена, Привет! The English spelling Evan is Welsh, which is an Irish way of putting it. It is from the same root as Ivan, Ewan, Jean, John, Sven, Sean, Shaun, Sion, Johannes etc.
The new is always bright and shiny. I saw an article in the New Scientist which calculated that if you hadn’t found the perfect match by your 7th attempt then you should settle for number 7. In fact you should aim for 7, each one being an improvement. At 7 the chances fo further improvement are extremely small. (This applies to women. It takes years longer for the majority of men to reach #7 so men should settle at 5 if they get that far). If you have reached 7 then the men in the future are unlikely to be improvements on the ones in the past. You have the advantage of knowing how their strengths and weaknesses play to yours and you can negotiate processes for dealing with them in cold blood. If you have had less than 7 relationships (over 3 dates), try a few more. If you have had more be grateful for a chance to reduce uncertainty.
What about if the two of you had been extremely good friends many years ago –even evolving into “flirting friends”– but the timing was always off to connect in a deeper way?
Whenever I found myself falling for my very special friend back then, I pushed those feelings away, because I was convinced that he only felt a loving friendship for me. It wasn’t until after I married someone else that he did some soul-searching and realized that he really loved me. After he told me, I was shocked and had to do my own soul-searching. After finally putting all the clues together, I saw the depth of my feelings for him as well. But of course, by then I was deeply committed to my marriage (despite discovering major character flaws in my husband’s personality), had just purchased a first home (with a huge mortgage), and found myself unexpectedly pregnant (years ahead of plan). Feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable at the time, I let my “friend” slip away.
I have endured many, many years filled with regret –for being so young, stupid, and clueless! “If only I had….”; “If only he had….” But we didn’t. If he were free now, I imagined that we might actually have a good chance to really connect. We each suffered the pain of loss without actually having had the full-blown love relationship. But it isn’t quite the same as a “failed relationship.” I have no interest in reuniting with any true past boyfriends, but it’s precisely because my “friend” and I were never a couple that I long so intensely for a second chance with him.
Does this kind of situation resonate with anyone else?
So cynical…I dumped a good man 25 years ago for the wrong reasons but at the time I felt for him they where right. He was 7 years younger then me, I met him and my eventual long term partner just after my husband had left me and my 2 very young children. I loved this young man but he was so young, only 19,
his parents wanted more for him so I walked away and settled with the other man who was my age and a little wiser but maybe the poorest choice I made. 25 years later through a friend the beautiful young man I knew is back in my life, older, wiser, more confident and we take each day as it comes but whatever happens I know he will always be my friend, oddly the ex husband and I are now the best of friends as with the other men I have dated. The one person I am not in contact with is the person who I settled with, the man who I thought reliable but turned out to be a controller and a wife beater!
My husband of 33 years walked out on me on September 16th, 2013, and I was in a total state of shock and hurt from it all. Then, only 4 months later from that trauma, I received a phone call from my brother, David in NY, telling me he had just found my ADOPTION documents hidden away in our father’s apartment-and neither of us ever knew this, and I cried for another 5 months about that hurt and pain.
Then one night, feeling very alone, and going to bed early, I woke up and logged onto my Facebok page, and “low and behold”–was a message from an old college boyfriend that I had dated way back in 1977, before I joined the U.S. Navy in 1979, He gave me his cell phone number in the message to me, and I called him up. We have reconnected with each other again, but he lives in Charleston, SC and I live in Bellingham, WA-clear across the country from one another.
We spend hours and hours on the phone with each other, and he tells me he regrets not marrying me, and taking me away from my abusive mother. He regrets not finding me sooner, but I tell him it wouldn’t have gone well if he did find me while I was in love and married to my husband. so things do happen for reasons.
My only question now would be “Do I allow this old boyfriend to continue to pull at my heart strings? Do I want him to be the one to fly out and see me, and maybe we can establish something more permanent? I don’t want to ever be the one to chase him, because I don’t want to get hurt again, like I my husband severely hurting me when he left me.
I want to date again, and am ready to just start going out again, and feel that my old boyfriend and I have great history, commonality, and things in common, and know he won’t hurt me, like if I started with someone new. But, again, I am taking it cautiously now.
meet half way…? go on a holiday together and just see how it goes on neutral ground. don’t play the who goes to whom game as it’s not the 50s any more. women are independent and want equality… also being cautious is okay but no pain no gain. you can’t get close if you don’t want to take a chance… but it’s up to you whether you are ready to let someone into your life and heart again, … still being pen pals hardly equates to a ‘relationship’ does it? Do you want to live a life of passion or just stay on the banks of the river watching life go by? It’s entirely up to you. River banks are nice places to be.
I’m divorced, though I think of myself as single because it was so long ago. I am not adopted but there is a positive side to both these experiences in your life. One of those is simply how much compassion and understanding you now have. You sound like someone who had the rug pulled out from under you. I know what that is like. I spent four years of my life without any family support raising two young kids as a single mother on a low income. It felt very shaky for a long time and I spent a lot of time feeling like a victim in one way or another. Then I moved on to become an agent making plans to have the life I choose or make for myself, not a life of what happens to me.
Now I’m trying to learn gratitude and I’m not always good at it/ I forget myself and start focusing on what has been lost rather than what is and what could be.
For example being adopted I guess you often think of the parents who chose you rather than those who gave you up (or from whom you were taken)? I imagine it must feel great that someone wanted you and chose you. There are plenty of kids who were raised by the parents who accidentally brought them into this world. It’s easy to romanticize about other people’s family. I was raised by my biological parents. My father never sees me now, even though we are quite similar and find it easy to connect. Recently he went through a very convoluted path to try and contact my adult kids rather than just go through me. My mother is loyal and supportive in a practical way as much as she is able to be, but just isn’t able to connect with me on an intellectual level, or emotional level. Thus I feel quite alone in the world and need to tune in to everything I can be grateful for eg. my daughter being a big part of my life. The way I see it most family arrangements are far from perfect, united, close and happy. I also observe many marriages are far from ideal. Comparatively, or statistically it’s not more negative being single. Maybe it’s all about your state of mind so by all means give yourself all the time you need. That’s my thoughts.
Been there myself. I have wondered the age old question…
WHAT IF
If you could go back into the past for second try would you? But no time machine and looking at reality now after a decade or more you both have changed considerably and are not even the same people. Your two lifestyles have taken different paths. It would be a very difficult attempt to say the least. I know in my past I have had less than a handful of girls who burned me very very bad. I found the best way to get over them was to spend all six weeks if spring break on the east coast beaches of Florida. Hot beautiful blond girls all over those beaches looking for a great time!
At one point they wanted back after a year or so and I always said NO. While I may have considered to try with them again, and even today decades later I still have highly detailed memories of being hurt, I still said NO just after a year or so. For one thing knowing they have been with many other guys after dumping me then they want back rang a bell that those other guys did not want them for some reason. And at that time there was and there still is over a billion age appropriate females in the world with half of them single and available at any given time. You know the saying, there is plenty of other fish in the ocean.
I would say be very very careful. Once in a while it works out for the best but those are very very very rare. Best of luck.
How about letting them come to you and just cautiously spend a bit of time getting to know them again? I agree with P, there are not millions of people with whom you can connect intimately later in life. You are still young enough to be attracting new people, but, you know nothing about them so it’s starting all over again each time. The older you get the more of a past people have. How much are you willing to invest in having a relationship? How busy are you with your career or work and other aspects of life? One thing I’ve noticed is not having the same level of energy to invest in social situations. There’s nothing wrong with re-uniting when it comes to old/long lost friends, so why make a distinction with lovers/bf/gfs? It really depends on the individual and on what still remains between you. Also, I’m sure with the level of life experience you now have, you are better at judging each circumstance as it happens. You know your limits and boundaries now, but maybe you also know you can’t get anything for nothing.