As you may know, I was an early adopter of online dating. Even though it was 1997, and I was only 25, it was far easier for me to get the guts to approach women via email than to risk getting shot down in person.
Years passed and I honed my skills, to the point where I was actually quite good at getting women to respond to me. But one thing hadn’t changed at all:
I was miserable.
I was a struggling screenwriter with a slacker writing partner, an indifferent agent, and no commercial successes to my name. To pay the bills, I sold shady hair restoration products over the phone in a boiler room.
Do you think that the right man will be able to see through this faÃ§ade of negativity? That he’ll ignore the fact that you’re unhappy and bitter?
And although I fancied myself to be relatively cute, funny, and charming, nothing seemed to overcome the fact that I was pulling in less than $35,000/year all through my 20’s. My life seemed to be study in frustration, failure, and impotence.
One night, when I was talking to a German girl with strawberry blond hair whom I met through JDate, it all came to a head. I was talking on the phone with her, sharing details of my day job, my career, and my endless frustrations with life in Hollywood.
She listened patiently and then finally cut me off with this cutting line:
“You don’t need a girlfriend. You need a shrink!”
I’m sure I fought back. I’m sure I told my friends how rude she was. I’m sure this further cemented my story of awful Los Angeles JDate women.
But the truth is that she was RIGHT.
My negative outlook on the world seeped into my every word and action. I was a depressed and beaten man, and while I wanted to be light and free, I just couldn’t help myself. I was hoping that my dates would get a look of the goodness inside of me, but all they could see was my thick layer of hurt.
So take a look in the mirror.
Are you anything like me?
Do you complain about dating? Work? Men? Life?
Do you worry about wasting your time on the wrong men?
Do you go on dates with no emotional investment, just looking for faults that will allow you to not go out with him ever again?
Do you think that the right man will be able to see through this faÃ§ade of negativity? That he’ll ignore the fact that you’re unhappy and bitter? That he’ll break down your walls because, at heart, you’re so kind and giving and brilliant?
A happy, healthy man is not going to climb your emotional walls, wait for you to come out of your shell, and put up with your trust and fear issues. He’s going to find a happy woman who loves him and trusts him and makes him want to be a giver.
If you’re not finding this man in your dating life, I’m not going to say you need a shrink, but I will say you can use a shift in perspective.
I got mine in December of 2009.
My 40-year-old wife suffered her second miscarriage.
My mom decided to separate from her husband.
My home was robbed and over $30,000 in jewelry, watches and Christmas presents were stolen.
I’m not talking about getting caught in traffic or getting an unhelpful customer service representative from AT&T. I’m talking about 3 important emotional issues surrounding every aspect of life — love, trust, safety, family, future.
Just think of all of the ways I could have reacted to this flurry of events.
A happy, healthy man is not going to climb your emotional walls, wait for you to come out of your shell, and put up with your trust and fear issues.
I could have been depressed. I could have been cold. I could have strained my marriage. I could have questioned the point of commitment.
Many couples have been similarly tested and ended up falling apart.
My wife and I didn’t let the circumstances shake us. We pulled together. We got stronger. We didn’t even mourn and cry. We just moved on, believing that we could only control what we could control and needed to let go of the rest.
We did and we are now thriving as a boring, upper-middle class suburban family.
Today, I want you to take a good look at how you’re handling the emotional circumstances surrounding your love life.
Are you letting it beat you down?
Are you letting it put you in your shell?
Are you letting it keep you from being free and open with men?
If so, you’re no different than those sad men who have no idea how they’re coming across on dates with you. And it’s time to do something different.
If you want to relax, find peace and understand men, click here to find out more about Why He Disappeared.
And if you’ve already read Why He Disappeared, please check out the recommended books on my bibliography. I’ve read all of them myself and feel that The Untethered Soul is the best one for getting over negativity and Marry Him is the best example of my coaching philosophy.
But really, anything on there will be useful to you. Let me know what books have helped you find contentment and love. I’m always trying to learn more myself…