How Do I Figure Out If My Boyfriend Loves Me or Money More?
- Confidence, I Don’t Trust My Judgment, Letting Go
Thank you for the sound advice you give. My boyfriend and I both respect it, and it is because of this that I am writing. When my boyfriend got his job about two years ago, it was a great opportunity. One of those companies you retire from, which in this day and age is rare. However, in order to stay together, it also meant we were not in a big city as we had originally planned, where there are plenty of jobs in both our fields, so I had to make a choice: him or my career.
At the time, I chose him and figured I could freelance or go back to school like I had been planning. Since then, his career has blossomed and I have struggled to find fulfilling work. The work I have found has been low-wage and part-time at best, leaving me dependent on him and my parents for support. I did go back to school, but a combination of depression (for which I am now getting help for), understandable pressure from my boyfriend and my parents to get a full-time job, and my general honesty with myself (I majored in a field I love) has left me just looking for work again.
Now, my boyfriend has asked me to move out because he’s sick of supporting me while I find work. I’ve been looking a month and until Dec was working part-time and contributing what I could to mutual bills, which was about half my monthly income. It was my understanding that our agreement was I would wait to find something for at least the first semester – which is now ending – before looking. I understand his frustration as he’s paid the vast majority of the shared bills for most of the time we have lived together, but I also can’t help feeling resentful about it. He wants to stay together, and for me to move back as soon as I start working again, but in this economy I feel I might as well apply to the cities I had job offers in two years ago (as well as local) and then take what I am offered.
I have made it clear that I won’t do long distance, and he agrees that would be for the best. I can’t tell if he’s just trying to break up with me (when I ask he denies it) or if he’s just upset about not being able to save and pay down his debt, which he blames on supporting me. He asked me to sign a new lease with him and we did, then he brings this up. It’s not like he’s forcing me out by a certain time. He just doesn’t want to go through another year of paying everything. I believe he does love me (family and close friends confirm it), but there are so many questions and feelings about this that I can’t help wondering if I’m being played and if he doesn’t love money more.
I just don’t know what to make of this and would appreciate your advice.
Thank you,
Sydney
There’s a bunch of information that would make it easier for me to give you advice, Sydney. Your ages, how long you’ve been together, how much money you each make, how much he owes, and your respective long-term goals. Without that, I’m grasping at straws and am bound to miss something important.
So let me start with an anecdote:
I dated my wife for 9 months before I learned she was $40,000 in credit card debt. She was divorced, didn’t get alimony, didn’t manage her money properly. I’ve never paid a dollar of debt. She knew that, so she didn’t tell me…until she could no longer hold it back. I was pissed. When I dug further, I learned that a big source of her debt was the fact that she took out a $15,000 cash advance on her cards to bail out a single mom friend of hers who was going to be evicted from her home. My girlfriend was in debt largely because of altruistic reasons. She was willing to suffer to save her best friend. It’s hard to argue with that.
I’m pretty sure if you wrote an email about your sad and penniless boyfriend, every woman here would tell you to leave him. Yet I’ll bet a lot of those same women feel that your boyfriend is being selfish right now.
At that point, I was debating whether we could work for the rest of our lives. How could we buy a house with her abysmal credit rating, and so on? We decided — together — that I wouldn’t pay any money to get her out of debt. It was her job to do that herself. On the other hand, I would shoulder the burden of paying for everything else — all meals, entertainment, travel, and, if I recall properly, the wedding. By the time we were ready to buy a house 3 years later, my wife was back to even. She took responsibility for her own debt. I helped her pull it off.
Now, part of the reason that this is a flawed parallel is that we were in our late 30’s, I was financially secure, and it wasn’t breaking me to pay for food/entertainment/travel. I can’t necessarily say the same thing about your boyfriend.
So while it’s easy to say that he’s cheap, loves money, and is heartless for asking you to move out, the only way to accurately assess this is to know the particulars.
You’re depressed.
You’re unemployed to partially employed.
You’re looking for meaningful work and can’t find it for two years in your new town.
He’s paying for the vast majority of shared bills for most of the time you’ve lived together.
Because he’s covering the lion’s share of these bills, he can’t pay down his own debt.
You threaten to move to another city to find a job.
And you’re feeling resentful that this is frustrating to him?
Listen, I’m sympathetic to what it must feel like to have a boyfriend tell you to move out to get your own financial ship in order. But you have to be sympathetic to what it feels like to be in his position.
If we do a quick gender role reversal, you can see more clearly:
He’s depressed.
He’s unemployed to partially employed.
He’s looking for meaningful work and can’t find it for two years in his new town.
You’re paying for the vast majority of shared bills for most of the time you’ve lived together.
Because you’re covering the lion’s share of these bills, you can’t pay down your own debt.
He threatens to move to another city to find a job.
I’m pretty sure if you wrote an email about your sad and penniless boyfriend, every woman here would tell you to leave him. Yet I’ll bet a lot of those same women feel that your boyfriend is being selfish right now. Funny how that works.
He does love you. He just doesn’t want to be your sugar daddy anymore.
Here’s the deal, Sydney. You don’t need to have the world’s greatest career right now. You just need to have a job — a full time gig that pays you $30,000 a year so you can contribute to your household. You can figure out your dream career on the side. (By the way, this is what I did when I was 30 and depressed and took a customer service gig at JDate to pay the bills when I was in film school.)
I acknowledge it’s not easy to get a job, and I acknowledge your pain that your boyfriend is asking you to leave. But when you question whether he really loves you, you’re missing something important: do you think you’d be having this conversation at all if you’d gotten a steady job in the past two years?
Of course not.
He does love you. He just doesn’t want to be your sugar daddy anymore.
Stacy says
And this is one of the reasons I will never move for a man without a ring on my finger. I have learned after having been divorced that love is not enough. And it REALLY sucks when there are financial issues. I am fiercely independent and would feel extremely uncomfortable to depend on someone else financially and I damn sure won’t do it for a man unless he is my husband and fell on hard times and it was a temporary situation.
I am with Evan on this. Move out and find your own way.
Fiona says
I would agree with Evan if it weren’t for the fact that she moved to support her BF’s career. She gave up her career progress for his career. He should be willing to give something back to her.
They should have come to an agreement then about how to handle finances, but there is no fixing their past mistakes now. There’s no one way for a couple to manage their finances. In some relationships, a woman supports a man, a man supports a woman, or each person pays exactly half of the expenses. It’s not like one is right and one is wrong.
He doesn’t sound supportive.
Evan Marc Katz says
“She gave up her career progress for his career. He should be willing to give something back to her.”
Respectfully, Fiona, he gave her the past two years, and she still doesn’t have a job. How much longer does he need to pay for her inability to choose/get/hold down stable work, even if it’s not her dream career? Especially, at the expense of paying back his own student loans…
Kathy says
I concur, been there, done that with my ex husband. I wasted a good portion of my younger years paying for 90% of our household bills and. Caring for our kids. It’s overwhelming taking on all of the financial burden and household responsibilities, you will never understand how stressful it is until your the one in the driver seat. He has every right to ask her to step up…I waited way too long to ask my ex to step up, as an alpha female I just handled it which ultimately caused me to leave him. I couldn’t take his selfishness and unwillingness to step up, bottom line is that if continues to provide what she needs it will be less likely for her to ever find her ideal job.
Stephanie says
Clapping for Evan. I am currently IN this situation. I moved out to pay off my debt after supporting my boyfriend, and all our bills. We’re both young, and I feel he is an adult. He is capable to actually try and find a job and learn how to handle his finances. He gets upset that I moved out, but when you start resenting someone, something needs to change. I still love him, and we’re still together. We’re just living apart. He needs to understand a relationship is 50/50 and 2 years is too long for one person to be supporting two people. He’s also been graduated from university for 1 year now. I can’t take excuses anymore. If he survived before having me around, he can survive again. He needs to learn financial responsibility. Your NEEDS must always be covered first, rent, hydro, internet, phone bill and food. Wants come after.
Julia says
So he wants you to move out and find a job but wants to tell you you cannot switch cities for said job? If you move, will he continue to live in the same place? So he will be spending the same amount on rent and most utilities? I don’t see how this is a good resolution. I would move out and back with your parents for the mean time. Look at jobs wherever you can get them. You have to support yourself. If its in the town you live in now, great maybe the two of you can be on the path to success but if not, you have to worry about yourself. He is worrying about himself at this point.
Sunflower says
BF’s request sounds reasonable to me. Maybe he’s just trying to light a fire under her. If it’s been two years and OP still hasn’t been able to find employment to contribute to household, then I think anyone in their right mind would need to reconsider the situation. Who wants to always be the one in a relationship to bear the brunt of the finances? Should be equal or as close to equal as possible.
Rachel says
Sorry, lady. I am more inclined to side with the boyfriend on this one. I’ve been there, supporting my last boyfriend for 2 years while he was in school (12 hours/semester) and not working at all. Except that I was the one who moved and took a 40% pay cut to be with him and still ended up supporting the both of us with my dramatically reduced salary. He pulled the same crap the OP is pulling, waiting for his dream job to come along while I stunted my career growth by taking a lower level job because I had to have something, anything, to pay the bills (both his and mine) while I put myself through grad school. Fortunately I have no debt, but I have been unable to accomplish my dream of saving up a down payment for a house because I was paying his share of the rent, utilities, car insurance, and groceries. He was shocked–and angered–when 2 years after his graduation (and 4 years into me being his mommy) that I lowered the hammer and broke up with him. If he wasn’t working at all 2 years after getting his degree, it just wasn’t going to happen. The entitlement of some people just amazes me.
Stop making excuses and stop acting like this man doesn’t love you just because he asks you to stop taking advantage of him. Resentment is a powerful emotion, and you are probably close to passing the point of no return with this guy. I wrecked my life for a guy who was using me to keep a roof over his head and food in his belly while he spent 2 years finishing 2.5 semesters’ work. I’m starting over in my 30s with greatly reduced earning power and no savings. I think your boyfriend is seeing what I’m seeing at about the same 2-year mark that I saw it and is wanting to avoid the same fate. If you want to salvage your relationship, start with a huge apology, not a list of grievances.
Dora says
And I can not see here the – Togetherness, the commitment and the love. This BF should of known that is not easy to change towns,jubs and life. He got what he wanted of life,what is his problem in supporting the woman he “loves”..? He definitely loves money more and puts them above the relationship. What kind of family man,father and supporter would he be at all, if they are to get married and have family…? He is selfish and greedy. Leave him to live with his money and be happy..!! Men forgotten totally what is to be gentelman,supporter and the main pulling financial wagon. He has better job- he Have to support and understand. Is not like she is not trying to contribute. If she was slacking and sponging in full of him, than ok,but she is Not. She gave up many things to be with him. he has to give back and for as long as it takes. If he loves and trusts. To me he does not love her and does not trust her and love money more.
You do not need to have a job,girl, you can start your own business,build something,have ideas,go forward in life and be everything you wish to be.If he is going to threaten you with petty controlling demands – well, you do not need that. He is holding you down and making you depressed and worried and you can not focus on finding something good not only for yourself,but for you both as partners and future family. He been totally not understanding and selfish. Ditch him,live your own life,find generous ,understanding and supportive in everything man.
Lorraine says
Dora I couldn’t agree more!
Dora says
Just to add – if Sydney was drughead,drunk or with any bad addiction and was wasting money and future on it – than she would be for blame. I can not see her being that. So, what does this man wants of her..? Cheap man. Run girl. You will be free from him and his poison and holding you down.
Jordan says
A fully grown adult woman who has her boyfriend and her parents paying all her bills, and you are calling the boyfriend cheap?
That is hilarious.
Stephanie says
She is an ADULT woman, she can take any job, while continuing to look for better work. They should come to an understanding of what financial and living situation would work best for them, should this opportunity come her way. However, that being said, 2 years of supporting someone is mentally exhausting. Love can be bore from resentment…
Jenna says
People do a whole heck of a lot these days without a ring on their finger, and I don’t understand it. Even at 30 years old, I’ve never lived with a guy or gotten into these kinds of entanglements. I see my friends buying houses with guys they’re not married to! It just seems so risky to give up so much for someone who hasn’t committeed to being a lifetime partner.
Dina Strange says
Not to sound cross…the guy is a loser. Dump him, and find yourself someone who is more understanding and less selfish.
Person says
Well the guy doesn’t really sound like the loser, the girl does. Come on 2 years and no job what the hell have you been doing with your life. The guy is not asking you to shower him with money, he just want you to pay your share of the expenses. All in all you should probable get a job right away and work off that debt that you’ve owed him for the past 2 years. And really doubting his trust in you after 2 years of you leaching off of him, that’s really low. You owe him greatly, if you really think he has no right to throw you out on your ass, then girl your wrong, no two ways about it.
I would suggest you stop blaming and questioning him because so far I haven’t seen him do anything outside of what he should do to a leach. Get a job already, if you were him would you want to pay for the bills for the rest of your life?
kate says
yes, if i can afford and if i love him and he loves me truly
100%
Rachel says
I totally support and side with the boyfriend. He should be breaking up with her.
Evan is right that more information would help. As it is though there is a lot to go on
-depressed
-unemployed
-making threats and giving ultimatums
Plus “contributing what I could to mutual bills, which was about half my monthly income. ” Ummmm…..what are you wasting the other half of your income on???
I was with a guy just like this – took no responsibility for himself, lived off me, “looked for jobs” (which only meant a lot of hot air about dream jobs that he made no effort towards getting) and all the time prioritsing his needs. He would spend on himself and then not be able to meet his half of the rent (so I would pay it). I am guessing that the other half of her income is spent on herself (whether that is drugs, drinks or just selfish shopping sprees).
Jenn says
Rachel,
While I sympathize with your position, I have to say that what you did was pretty dumb. I’m sure you realize that now but really, that is exactly the kind of thing women do when they’re afraid that guys won’t love them back. If you were secure in yourself and your love, you would have stayed where you were, wished your boyfriend well at school and carried on a long-distance relationship until he graduated. While far from ideal, that situation is far preferable to the one you’re in now. You need to recognize your part in all this: no one twisted your arm – it was your choice to do what you did. Now that you know better, you won’t make that same mistake again, so at least that much good has come out of it.
Joe says
If what Rachel did was dumb, then what Sydney’s boyfriend is doing is also dumb.
Jenn says
What Rachel did is different and it came from a different place. She may have been doing it more as a “Look how much I LOVE you!” kind of move. The reason I know that is because I have been in her position (not financially, but the attitude was the same). Men are the providers and protectors. Sydney’s boyfriend wants to be neither for her, so clearly his feelings are not what they should be. I understand that men these days do not (and largely cannot, with the economy as bad as it is) want to shoulder the full burden of finances, but it is very telling of his feelings toward her that he would rather boot her out than be there for her financially.
Rachel says
The double standard going on here is amazing. Why is it that when a woman pays all the bills, she’s dumb, but when a man pays all the bills, he’s just…barely not an asshole. I don’t buy into this man’s job / woman’s job B.S. If a man is unwilling to be the sole breadwinner for a leach of a woman, many of you say he’s not doing his job. If you still live in the backward paradigm that forces men to be providers/protectors, then you live in a world in which women, conversely, are brainless baby factories. So, if a woman doesn’t want to be a full-time stay at home mom (or a mom at all), is she not doing her job? If she doesn’t put gourmet meals on the table every night, should he run from her? Does the fact that she expects him to share responsibility for housework mean she doesn’t love him? I think anyone can see the absurdity there.
I think my motives were similar to those of the OP’s boyfriend. My guy was in school and was struggling to get by. We had been best friends for a decade, had dated for a year, and had already decided to get married. I didn’t have the actual ring because it seems gauche to demand a diamond from a struggling college student. My move was an investment in us as a team. We succeed or fail together, and managing 1 household between us was better than trying to hold down 2. He promised to get a PT job when I moved, so we were actually going to be better off collectively under one roof than paying 2 rents and all the other redundant bills. The problems happened when he (1) didn’t follow through on his promise to get a job and (2) failed some classes and graduated later. I had already moved. I had given up my job and it’s not like I could just move back and pick up where I left off. You can dump a guy like that when he effs up 2 months in, but when it’s been 11-12 years of being there for each other, you hang in there and give him the benefit of the doubt. I held it together for the sake of the team as long as I could, and I just had to face the fact that I didn’t have a teammate. Sydney’s boyfriend is just now coming to that realization and I don’t think that makes him a bad guy or dumb. It makes him patient, persistent, caring, and generous…just not to the point of being played for a fool.
Dina Strange says
I feel like it’s YOU who is living in a backward paradigm.
Carie says
Rachel I couldn’t agree more. I hate double standards, always have and always will. I really hate seeing someone get dragged down because of their “partner”.
Mark says
I was in the same situation as this for a long time, I was always their for my wife and when I finally asked her to get a job after 13 years of being together she divorced me. Now shes collecting alimony and has a boy friend. I feel like crap and really don’t know what to do, I kind of still love her even though she hurt me so much. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate being used.
Erika says
There is something deeper going on here. I say this as a woman who quit her job to go back to school so I could earn 3x more. At the time, my bf supported the decision, but when I couldn’t make rent one month he started to panic. I have supported myself my entire life. then the truth came out–deep down he feared I would sponge off him like his mother. We broke up. 6 years later I make MORE than him and am close to a 6-figure salary. Whatever his attitudes are about money, he’s projecting them on to you. I say you have to have a meaningful conversation about money and explore your family history/philosophy and get to the real root of the problem.
Lorraine says
She should RUN for this boy, and I say boy as MEN are the providers, caretakers and leaders. Woman cherish, adore make sacrifices and take care of their man in many ways other than monetary. And this is what is wrong with the work and relationships today. Equality and roles are all mixed up and men and woman have mixed up roles. Traditional values work. Communication, unconditional love, respect and honesty make a relationship work, and clearly these values do not exist in this one.
Ruby says
“I’ve been looking a month and until Dec was working part-time and contributing what I could to mutual bills”.
I don’t know exactly when this was written, but she’s been unemployed since December and has only been looking for work for a month?
IMO, both parties are at fault for taking the career issue so lightly. Moving for a man, in this day and age, with your own career not in place, is a risky move. Supporting someone that you’re not married to for an indefinite amount of time is also risky. It’s not surprising that booth parties feel resentment. Sydney needs to move out and go where the opportunities are.
Ellie says
I really hope she does leave him. This guy sounds like a great guy, he’s been taking care of her all this time and only now does he have a problem with it. If it were me in his shoes and he in hers i would have dumped his ass a long time ago.
Jill says
Jill, he’s the man he has to pay for the stuff, it’s his job that’s what men are for. If i ever had to pay for anything, i would drop that guys ass right out the window and found myself a real man, one who could handle me and all that i am. Because really why should you care for a guy like that, he couldn’t possibly love her if he is asking her to pay anything!!!! Look, if the man doesn’t provide he not worth your time, dump his disgusting worthless ass, find a real man, one who will provide for you.
Jordan says
In other words:
Princess and the Plow horse.
Got it.
mercy says
The key thing here that people are forgetting is that they are NOT married
bday says
IMO the OP made the mistake of making a big decision like moving for a man with no job without a ring on her finger. That’s not right. Now she’s in a precarious position. If she had been married this whole conversation would have been different.
I agree the BF is right BUT in my opinion he’s not that into her as they say. He hasn’t married her and he won’ t marry her, not at this rate. That’s the bigger problem in her hands than her current lack of job. She’s chosen a man over her career but the man has not chosen her. These career-over-man decisions can only be taken if there is SERIOUS commitment involved on both parties. Otherwise you’re choosing a career over a castle in the air.
Jenn says
Bday,
I agree with you that he’s not that into her. While he may want her in his life, and he is not wrong for feeling the strain of having to support another person in addition to himself, he doesn’t love her. Any man who really loves a woman and can see a future with her that includes marriage wouldn’t be grousing about having to support her while she looks for a good job so that she can eventually make a good financial contribution to the household. More along this point, what would he do if they did get married and then she has to take maternity leave and drop down to part-time (or stay at home) to raise their kids? Or perhaps down the line, after they’re married for a while, she (or even he! gasp!) loses her job and they have to survive on one income for a long time? These things do happen, and so it’s very telling that he is acting this way. It shows that he is not really in a position where he wants to be the provider, so maybe she would be better off if they broke up. And I agree, never move in without a ring and a wedding date. Talk is cheap.
Evan Marc Katz says
@Jenn
“Any man who really loves a woman and can see a future with her that includes marriage wouldn’t be grousing about having to support her “
For two YEARS?
“It shows that he is not really in a position where he wants to be the provider”
No, it shows that is is not really in a position where he CAN be the provider. He can’t pay back his own loans because he’s supporting her.
Jenn says
“No, it shows that he is not really in a position where he CAN be the provider. He can’t pay back his own loans because he’s supporting her.”
Fair enough, but I still say it shows where his head is at if he’s ready to give her the boot rather than compromise. Perhaps the two of them could get a smaller place with cheaper rent until she finds a suitable position. It just seems to me that if this was a case where he was envisioning spending the rest of his life with her, he would be more willing to do what it took for the both of them to live together. And she said in her letter that she’s making contributions where she can, so it’s not like she’s totally stiffing him on everything.
I’m coming from a place of understanding for her because I’m on a low income, full-time position. I pay all my own bills and buy some of the groceries, but I have to live with my parents because I don’t make enough to support myself. It sucks, but that doesn’t mean that’s how it’s always going to be. I’m still in school at 33, trying to figure out how to get the career that I want (veterinarian, preferably). But if I do get in to vet school, that is going to come with a huge price tag, at least $100,000. And that’s on top of the almost $30,000 I already have from a vet tech degree that unfortunately, didn’t work out. And vets don’t make a ton of money, but it’s a career that I have wanted since I was 10 and I’m finally realizing that if I don’t try for it now, I never will and I’ll quite possibly be stuck in this dead-end job working for peanuts. So you see, I can very much identify with where she’s at. I understand that financially, yeah, I’m a bad investment. But that doesn’t mean I’d deserve to get booted out on my ass. And she doesn’t either.
Evan Marc Katz says
You’re making excuses for her and conflating your situation with hers.
She is not in school to pursue her dream job like you. She is justifying why she’s gone nearly 2 years without a job and then blaming her boyfriend for being selfish. He is not selfish. He, like some of the other commenters on this thread, did not sign on for the job of supporting her. That doesn’t make him selfish. It means that she is reneging on her end of the bargain, which is to be a self-sufficient adult. When I was in grad school, I took a job answering phones at an online dating company. It wasn’t glamorous, but it kept a roof over my head for $32,000/year. The OP has given no indication that she’s willing to take A job just to pay the bills and contribute. It’s the entitlement that’s getting her thrown out; not her boyfriend’s lack of commitment. Love doesn’t mean that he owes her his hard-earned money when she is doing little to deserve it (says the man who supports a stay at home wife and two kids). Put yourself in his shoes and you will come up with a different answer. Right now, all you can do is blame him for not wanting a slacker/moocher girlfriend, when no woman wants a slacker/moocher boyfriend….
Clare says
They really should have discussed this thoroughly before she moved to another city because of his career. Since she didn’t have a job lined up from the get-go, she knew there would be at least a period where she would not be contributing much because she would be looking for work. It was her responsibility to find out how he felt about this, I believe. They should have played through various possible scenarios and their respective expectations, and how each of them felt about each scenario. In my view, it was wrong of the OP to just assume that her boyfriend would be happy to continue paying for most things indefinitely if they never agreed on that. It is understandable he feels taken for granted, maybe even taken advantage of. In my opinion, communication is key here. Be open to how he feels about all of this, and to what he suggests. Show willing, get a job, contribute more, work out a budget, talk about this. In all likelihood, you can get this back on track, but not just by continuing to do what you’ve been doing.
Clare says
BTW, I’ve been in this exact situation. I gave up my job to move to another country with a man for his career, where I would not be able to work. However we discussed this beforehand, and he was happy to support me whilst I contributed in other ways, like doing all the housework and cooking, and managing our budget.
west says
And women can’t propose so it is not the same if you flip it!!!! Never give up a job and move without a ring and a plan.
The mistake is you moved without a ring. Look for a great job anywhere and get out. It’s not your fault he is selfish and not committed and not into you but you won’t make this mistake again. It would be better if you moved with a fiancé and the agreement is to have kids while his super new job provides.
Noquay says
This is why everyone should have their life together FIRST before getting into a relationship. Yep, good jobs are hard to find. I am working in a position that no longer want to be in, in a redneck town that really destroys any chance of finding someone compatible to marry. Why? I have a mortgage, until last month,
supported a dying parent, I need health care and to save for retirement. Responsibilities come first. I don’t know the origin of your depression, but maybe that’s something to start with. Yep, you’re going to have to move, accept it. I am not sure whether this
dude loves you or not but having been in a situation where I was going to have to support a man who chose not to succeed, I can understand where he is coming from. He’s paying off student loans, trying to lift himself up, and for whatever reasons, having to pretty much support you too. Time to start getting on your own completely which may require living on much less than you are used to. When my marriage broke up, the affordable rent I could find was a 2 room cabin w/no water or plumbing, grew my own veggies, wore used clothing, ate cheap food, and taught tracking, survival skills classes to keep myself fed outside the school year. Think outside the middle class American box. You’ve learned a harsh lesson; never leave job, home, etc for someone without a ring on your finger or similar commitment. Relationships crap out, people leave, die, become incapacitated. You have to be able to support yourself and children, on your own regardless of rship status because things go wrong. Sorry to be so tough but think about what would’ve happened had you had children or stayed in this situation for years. Best of luck.
SparklingEmerald says
A woman I know who is a financial planner has a saying “A man is not a financial plan”.
Clare says
Lol, SparklingEmerald! I was raised with the exact same motto. NEVER *expect* a man to support you with no fall-back plan of your own.
I was raised to always be able to support myself financially, so that I would always be ok, no matter what happens. Quite frankly, a man’s job is no guarantee of anything nowadays and I do think it’s a very heavy burden for him to shoulder alone. I also wouldn’t want to be dependent. If a man is willing and able to contribute a greater share towards the household bills, personally I think that is wonderful. But I do really think with how far we have come as women, that it is not right to just sit back. Not only for his sake, but also for your own. What kind of person really likes to feel like a financial burden to someone else?
Henriette says
Hear, hear!
Jacob says
Thank you for not using that quote in a way to hurt men. And thank you for trying/being a real human being. I am a man and it’s been a long time since I’ve heard anything even closely resembling this coming out of a women s mouth. It seems like we as men are forced to pay for everything now a days. I really want to meet a women who will actually insist on paying for herself on dates then ask if she could see me again afterwards. If a girl ever did that I might be a little embarrassed at the start but she would truly have my attention, and knowing that she is just as competent of a person as i am really makes her someone I would want to share my life with.
Thank you Clare for being you, please if you read this know that you are one of the best and greatest women out there because you think this way. And for any other girl out there who feels the same way, thank you for not using us to get a free drink/dinner or just to relieve your boredom. Thank you for being you. I hope you all end up with men that feel the same way about you as you do them.
Jordan says
Now you Noquay and Clare are a REAL woman.
Sharon says
Done says
I’ve had a job the whole time have a child and he still chose himself and money over family bc I didn’t pop out a baby making 50,000 and focusing on raising my son (which obviously impossible). I worked at daycare bringing in 19,000. I filed child support we lived together only 5 months at a time. He swears he loves me but I don’t believe it.
sceptical says
Dear Sydney,
From your letter, I get a feeling that while you initially put your boyfriend over your career, this choice is not working for either of you in the long run. Neither have you really come to terms with sacrificing your career (you write that you love your own field, but have no chances of finding a job in this field in this little town), nor does your boyfriend really feel like becoming a breadwinner for the whole household. In this sense, your expectations for a relationship model still match each other. You want a career, he doesn’t want to be the sole breadwinner. If this is what you both want, and provided that you both want to stay together, you need to find a place to live where such a relationship model is possible.
You need to get yourself out of this depression and get your self-esteem up, and becoming more successful in your job search would certainly help. If you were a friend of mine that asked for advice, I would probably say try to widen up your job search and see if you can get job offers in cities where there are job opportunities for both of you. If you start getting job offers in such cities, talk honestly with your boyfriend about your future. If he will be willing to change his good job for another job in another city for you to stay together, you’ve got a man with integrity. If he feels that his current job is so good and bears so much prospect that you can get married and he asks you to consider becoming a stay-at-home-mom, you’ve got a man with integrity. However, if in such situation, he still expects you to sacrifice your career for him (each year without a job in your field, whether on unemployment or as SAHM, diminishes your chances of getting back on track career-wise) on one hand, and makes no sacrifice for you and your well-being on the other, you have a man who wants to eat his cake and have it, too.
If he asks you to move out now in order to find a job, please move to a city where you have real chances of finding one.
Bella says
I couldn’t agree more.
Are you depressed because of the situation? Perhaps you would feel better getting a job in your field, move if you have to and become independent.
Then you might see your boyfriend in a new perspective.
I believe you can make it!!!
bluew says
The OP is wanting to work full-time in fullfilling work. She is not looking to work fulltime in whatever is available. So far, no dice. She left her fullfilling career to be with him.
He knows that.
Two years have passed and she has found squad meaningful work. And let’s face it the opportunities for such meaningful work may never happen or it may happen in two years time. I don’t know how the job market in the OP’s chosen (meaningful) work field is.
He knows that, too.
You know what, I know a married woman whose passion is acting. So she works part-time and does acting the rest of the time. Her husband supports her but he knew what he was getting into before accepting. I know another married woman who used to work full-time but now she wants to be a housewife. Her husband supports her but he knew what he was getting when they got married.
I’ve got more examples – all share one commonality: the man knew what he was getting into before sealing the deal and the man was happy with that arrangement.
What I am saying is: He knew what he was getting into. He is now not happy with the arrangement.
RUN, baby, RUN.
Katt says
Agree with you 100% bluew. He knew what he was getting into and now he wants to back out on the deal.
He was quite happy for her to give up her prospects to move to be with him and now he is telling her she has to leave.
He knew how much his student loans (or other debts) were right from the word go and how much had to be repaid. Was there no plan B in place in case something happened to either the OP or the boyfriend?
It doesn’t sound like the OP’s boyfriend is 100% committed or he wouldn’t be asking her to leave. Men who love you want to be with you, if they don’t and you’re now getting a bunch of excuses or he’s backing off, you’re wasting your time. It really is that simple with men.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do but it seems you may be wasting your time with this man who is asking you to leave – like a flat mate who can’t pay the rent. Man, that really sticks in my throat!
Joe says
I’m just gonna point out that, a) it’s not explicit that Sydney had fulfilling full-time work prior to the move, b) that Sydney doesn’t necessarily need fulfilling work (lots of people work jobs they don’t love in order to pay the bills–they work to live, don’t live to work), and c) just because she majored in a field she loves doesn’t necessarily mean she deserves a job in it (if you major in violin but aren’t very good at it, do you automatically deserve an orchestra position?).
bluew says
Fair enough. My initial feeling was that he knew what he was getting into. But re-reading the letter she may have skewed things a bit alas why he may have agreed to the initial arrangement. (There are two sides to every story)
But what is fact is that both went into an arrangement with ultimately different expectations.
He was hoping that at some point she’d be willing to contribute even if it meant to temporarily work anywhere to make ends meet. (until something better would come along)
She, however, was hoping for something else entirely.
I am not sure both discussed the arrangement properly before moving in together.
Paula says
This guy is a jerk and he doesn’t even sound like he’s acknowledged the sacrifice she made. I was in a similar situation and some men are just takers and complain if they can’t take any more from you because you end up being poor. Run from this man and don’t make such sacrifices again for a man
Morris says
I agree that more information would have helped a lot in this situation. But given that, I agree with the advice. She’s an adult and needs to be independent. Two years of taking care of her was more than generous.
I also have to admit it’s frustrating to read some of the hypocrisy/double standards written in the comments. But other comments make me realize maybe this is progress.
I guess it’s ok to want to be taken care of and have the partner be the provider/protector. And I think it’s ok to expect your partner to be independent. But if your partner doesn’t want to be what you want. It’s not that they are wrong. You just need to find someone that wants the same thing as yourself.
N says
Too many variables in the economics of lion’s share equation; without enough information it is hard to tell except this is a great life and relationship lesson for the OP.
My attitude towards money is influenced by my culture (Eurasian raised in NYC) and family dynamics. Men in my family take manhood very seriously 🙂 protect and provide. The women take the supportive role but know and can step up to the plate.
Simone says
It surprises me that in this day and age young women give up their careers for a man. A career is not just a job that supports you, it’s your future, your self-expression, and your freedom. Time will take away whatever romance you are feeling now, even if you do marry the object of your affection. But no one can take away your career accomplishments, and you can continue to build on them for decades.
I read in a sociology book just the other day that marital expectations among young adults have changed, that nowadays both young men and young women want an egalitarian marriage. If, however, they don’t find an egalitarian marriage, most young women say they will opt not to marry, while most young men say they will go for a traditional marriage (i.e., according to traditional gender roles). Sounds like a lot of conflict brewing.
Given this paradigm shift, for all women, I think, it’s better to know that you can count on yourself. Follow your career dreams and you’ll likely meet someone else along the way, someone with whom you are compatible. If not, at least you won’t be dependent on a man. Imagine, for a minute, that ten years from now your professional accomplishments exceed his. Can you imagine giving that up to live in a place that serves his dreams but not yours? You’ll never know what you can do until you start doing it. It’s so exciting to be rewarded financially for your talents, abilities, and hard work. Best of luck to the OP.
Simone says
Joe: No gets a music degree in instrumental performance if they aren’t very good at it–you don’t get accepted in to a program unless you are. The fact is that there aren’t many orchestral jobs out there, and there are many qualified applicants for each open orchestral position. Most musicians understand and accept this going into school, and most make their living teaching. Point being, “deserving” a job has nothing to do with it. If the OP loved her course of study, she’s probably good at whatever discipline she undertook. She can probably make a nice career in it. No need to suggest that she’s a loser at the work she loves. Sounds just the opposite to me.
Fusee says
@Simone: I actually respectfully disagree with you. Loving your course of study does not make you necessarily “good at it”, and even if you are good at it this does not mean that jobs are available in the related field.
To my opinion this is the huge problem of higher education in the USA, given how expensive it is. Some undergraduate degrees are still totally worth it because they train students for specific skills relating to well-defined positions in fields that are still in high demand. Examples: engineering, computer sciences, nursing, and for non-college degrees: electrical, plumbing, etc. Majoring in art history, theatre, world religion and such topics do not lead to as solid job opportunitites, despite being super interesting. Students end up with huge student debts and poor job prospects, and get stuck in either holding out for the “fulfilling career” or doing unrelated low-paying jobs to make ends meet.
Possible solutions: 1. Biting the bullet and going back to school for another major or an advanced degree leading to a job currently in high demand (I vote for computer science and nursing), 2. Finding fulfillment in a volunteer job (helping undeserved communitities, working at an animal shelter, coaching a local sport team, creating a theatre group at the local highschool, etc).
Simone says
Fusee: Respectfully disagree in return. I know two art history majors: one is a VP at Goldman Sachs and the other a translator at the Italian consulate. I know many, many theater majors, some of whom have won the big awards and others who use their performing degrees in entrepreneurial ways (corporate trainers, event planners, fundraisers, writers). I even know people who majored in religion and work in religious settings (these church jobs have some of the highest satisfaction ratings of all professions). It is quite possible to use one’s degree if one has an open mind and can think creatively. The world cannot be full of computer programmers and nurses.
Joe says
So, did your Goldman Sachs VP get that position just a couple of years after getting that art history degree?
Ruby says
Making a living in more creative fields is difficult, but not impossible. I know art directors, an art curator, designers, art professors who all have solid careers. However, you have to be where the work is, and that usually means a large city. In following hr boyfriend, the OP made a choice not to be where the jobs in her field are.
Fiona says
There is a glut of nurses in many areas. All of the nursing school grads I know are having a miserable time finding a nursing job. Most have to take caretaker jobs that don’t utilize their degree.
And, get real, not everyone has the skills for computer science.
Fusee says
Ok guys I realize that my comment makes me look like I’m glorifying computer science and nursing. I’m not. I’m just giving examples of degrees with more chances of finding decently paid jobs right out of school, for folks who do not want to do “low-pay” jobs. Of course, not everybody should be a programmer or a nurse! It is a fact though that a lot of degrees do not lead to a defined skill set and position, and graduates in such majors will have to either specialize with an advanced degree or go through low-pay jobs while waiting for The One related to their original degree.
Simone says
Joe: No, she didn’t. Her degree, which is a basic liberal arts degree, got her a decent job that led to something that led to something, etc.
Most people do not work in the fields they chose for themselves as teenagers starting college. Many spend years training and thousands upon thousands of dollars to build careers that they do not like: Many people drop out of law school and med school, for instance, or they graduate but never practice in these professions. They all go on to do something else, presumably something else that suits them better.
To build a successful career you must have desire, opportunity, an expenditure of effort, and luck. In the OP’s scenario, she’s sacrificed her desire and her opportunity to be with a guy, and the guy is telling her that he’s not going to sacrifice in kind any more. Not surprisingly, his change is causing her rightly to question the relationship. The advice to double down on the effort part of the career equation isn’t going to work without some measure of the other three career requirements, IMO.
Sadly, women are usually encouraged to sacrifice their career desires and opportunities and to double down on the effort part (usually in deference to men’s desires and opportunities), usually as homemakers or in service or caretaking jobs. For most women there isn’t enough luck to change the course of this trajectory. It’s an insidious thing. Women have to be vigilant–we have to ignore the low-grade criticism, the lack of understanding, the poo-pooing. Then one day we wake up and we have this fantastic body of work that we created.
I also reject the role reversal scenario. Very few men would give up their career desires and opportunities to follow a woman around while she pursued hers. But in those very rare cases where that happens, I wouldn’t recommend it either.
Danaris says
The letter writer is also unwilling to sacrifice — she states that she is the one who doesn’t do long distance relationships. So, her solution is to expect that her boyfriend should support her forever without complaint. Let’s not forget that these two people are not married; there are no children involved. I still don’t understand why this guy owes her anything.
I think it is interesting that her response to her boyfriend not wanting to support her financially is that he must not lover her. Well, apparently, she doesn’t want to support herself either so then doesn’t it mean that she doesn’t love herself?
Also, if you read her letter, she never says that she left a job that she loves. What she said is that they moved from a big city where there were plenty of jobs in both her field and her boyfriend’s field. She also said she was planning to go back to school before she even moved with her boyfriend. So, she left job offers. She did not leave a career that she loves. She didn’t even know if she was going to love those jobs.
Also, with all the possibilities in this world, there is only ONE thing that this woman can do to be happy. That doesn’t seem reasonable to me.
Finally, I work in corporate America and while there still isn’t full equality for men and women, there are so many men who actually are moving around for their girlfriends/wives. Is it happening at the same level that women are following men, probably not. However, I think we as women lose credibility when we don’t acknowledge that real and significant change is happening in the world.
Woman are not the only ones sacrificing.
Plus, as a woman who used to support a man who was chronically (and purposefully) un/underemployed, I felt a lot of pressure. Even though I have a job that a love, it was a very different feeling going to work knowing that the burden of all the finances fell entirely on me. While it is true that I would have many of those expenses if I were single, it’s just a very different feeling when you know you have to take care of someone else. I really don’t think women acknowledge that feeling enough when men have to do it and many women act like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal. It’s a big deal financially and emotionally.
Rose says
Can Sydney (the OP) contribute in other ways to the household so that her boyfriend would not feel taken advantage of? While you are looking for a job, you can’t contribute financially, but can you contribute to his life in other ways? Like cook, clean, be his emotional support, etc. In my opinion, if he pays for everything and you don’t help the household in other significant ways, then he is not wrong to pressure you to find a job. If you devote yourself to the relationship by acting like a stay at home wife while earnestly trying to find a job, and he still wants you to move out, then I think he’s being unreasonable.
Also, if you can’t find a job that is your passion, you might need to suck it up and just get any job. No job is beneath you if you are unemployed. You’re not the only to give up your dreams just to put food on the table.
But honestly though? I don’t think the relevant question is whether or not he is a good, upstanding guy. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. But the answer to that question isn’t important at this point. I’m not so sure that he’s still in love with you. The answer to that matters.
In my experience, no one is “stupid” for too long. Sooner or later the party that gives more and receives less will feel the imbalance. And if the imbalance isn’t corrected, well then, you know.
Joe says
I’m not so sure that he’s still in love with you.
…or maybe he loves her too much to let her get into a bad habit of being dependent on him.
Daisy says
I agree with #18 Bluew. The boyfriend knew what he was getting into (i.e. the OP sacrificed her career and chose to move with him even though there won’t be a lot of jobs suitable for her, and he knew this). Yet he is unwilling to be the man of the house and support her while she continues to find suitable work. The OP was only able to contribute a little but not much, due to the work that she found that has been low-wage or part time at best. At the same time she has been receiving pressure from the boyfriend to find a full time job, but hello, the boyfriend knew from the very beginning that there are hardly any jobs suitable for the OP.
I believe that both the OP and the boyfriend are at fault here (the OP for sacrificing her career without a ring on her finger. The boyfriend for choosing to move for his awesome job opportunity even though it would leave the OP partially unemployed, while at the same time he refuses to be the primary breadwinner).
At the beginning of this year my boyfriend of 5 months received a lucrative job offer in Tokyo to work at a prestigious US investment bank. He is obsessed about Tokyo and was already applying for jobs there until 2 months after we started dating, but at the time no job offers came through. He didn’t apply for any new jobs since then, but all of a sudden this great job offer that he really wanted came by. He discussed it with me but I was firm with him that I was not ready to move to Tokyo. I also mentioned to him that if he really wanted the job, he should go, but it would mean that we can’t be together anymore (we both don’t want to be in long distance relationships). Simultaneously I told him that if he chose to stay, I needed him to find good reasons to stay other than to be with me. In the end he chose to stay even though he secretly shed a few tears for letting the lucrative job offer go. He found other reasons to stay, but I know that deep down inside it was so that he could be with me, because he said that he would have accepted the job offer in a blink if we hadn’t been together. Now we are 1 year and 1 month together and we are still going strong, and I really appreciate him for having shown his real commitment to me. Career-wise he is now in a better position too as he is on his way to get promoted!
Erin says
Whoa…I feel like poor Sydney is getting raked over the coals here. From her letter, she mentions that moving to New City would limit her career prospects, and Boyfriend was cool with supporting her while she found work. Fair enough. Boyfriend grew resentful that it never really happened, and this crippled his ability to live his life and plan for the future – two years is pushing it. I don’t know anyone who would not be resentful in that situation.
Sydney, girlfriend, I think most of your depression issues will resolve themselves if you move on from this and use it as a really valuable learning experience. Get a job that pays enough to live on while you find your dream job – in New City or Old City or New New City. Get some distance from Boyfriend. Do Sydney for a while, and find out what makes you tick. You have had the opportunity to see how Boyfriend reacts when things get bad. Do you feel loved and supported? No. You feel lonely and misunderstood.
Good luck Sydney. I was in a similar position with my ex-husband. It is scary at first, but it gets fun when you ease into it and embrace the changes.
Ness says
In her letter, Sydney states “I have struggled to find fulfilling work”. I don’t believe it takes TWO YEARS to get ANY full time job…unless one has some kind of record that would make them an unappealing candidate or something. Of course, I’m sure trying to explain a two-year employment gap is not easy, but she is not willing to start from the bottom and work her way up! She needs to get over the idea of finding “fulfilling” work and settle for finding ANY work in the meantime while she continues looking for something “fulfilling”. She is the one who CHOSE to give up the “path” she was on to follow her boyfriend, and he has supported her through her trying to get back on her feet, but it seems she is being too choosy with what she’s willing to do…complaining that the jobs are low-wage or part-time. So what? Work the low-wage, part-time jobs…even if you have to take on more than one! If she is not happy with this and would prefer to be in a relationship where the man feels okay with being the breadwinner/provider, then she needs to find a man that can better suit her, and leave her boyfriend free to find someone that will better suit him. It’s THAT simple!
Joe says
Amen!
Simone says
Have you ever worked at a soul-crushing crap job? I doubt it. If you had, you wouldn’t be so glib in telling her to just get over herself.
Joe says
Yep, I have, and I got out of it–went back to school and got a masters degree, took a part time job while in school which led to a full time job after getting the degree. I wouldn’t say I love my job, and working in the corporate world has its ups and downs, but I am not required to love my job. It pays my bills, and lets me do things that I like to do when I am not at work.
Ness says
Amen! 😉
Ness says
I find it amusing that I am being accused of making assumptions, while having them made of me. Whether or not I’ve ever had a “soul-crushing crap job” is irrelevant, it doesn’t take away from the fact that Sydney’s boyfriend would be happier with a woman who WANTS TO put in effort to carry her own weight…and if it would make you feel any better, then yes, I HAVE had “soul-crushing crap jobs” that I have ENDURED while looking for better opportunities, and I’m sure that MANY other people have gladly done the same. Not everyone is lucky enough to land non-“soul-crushing crap jobs” without going through some “soul-crushing crap jobs” along the way, nor does everybody feel ENTITLED enough to not have to make any sacrifices ever.
Simone says
The difference, Joe and Ness, is that you worked soul-crushing crap jobs but had a prospect of getting out of them and moving on to something you liked better. The OP is saying that there are no prospects for her where she lives. Telling her just to suck it up is actually what an entitled person says. It also patronizing, because you couldn’t possibly know more about her skills, her hopes and dreams, and her local economy than she does.
Jen says
Ness and Joe – in agreement. Thank you.
Karmic Equation says
Simone,
You’re just making excuses for a lazy woman.
If the sexes in this blog post were reversed you’d be calling the man a moocher. Rightfully so.
Women need to pull their own weight and work jobs they hate to pay bills. They don’t get to be picky because they “deserve” to live their dream…more than their bf deserves to not have to pay for her to find it. If he’s ok with it, good for her. If he’s not ok with it, she needs to get off her ass.
Melody says
She can find a job to pay the bills like the rest of us have had to do on occasion while she’s looking for her fulfilling work. This is not rocket science, folks. It’s completely reasonable for the boyfriend to ask her to pull her weight.
Several years ago, I attempted to create a business and failed…miserably. I lost a marriage because of it, which was a good thing. But I should’ve picked up a regular job and done my own thing in the evenings and on weekends. She’s the one being a pain in the ass, not the boyfriend.
Find a job and suck it up, sweetie. Welcome to adulthood.
Julia says
I can think of places that a woman might move to with a man who got a good job. We have them here in my state, basically places that are experiencing a boom in natural resource extraction. In rural PA, there is gas drilling and no other industry. So it is feasible for a woman to move and not meaningful employment. She said she has had jobs but working 10 hours a week at Walmart or as a server in a diner is neither stable or meaningful. Obviously we don’t have details but I can imagine scenarios where it would be hard for anyone to find real employment.
This is why I answer that Sydney should find a job anywhere. Her boyfriend doesn’t want her to leave his town but at a certain point, you need to decide what’s best for you. You also need to support yourself, which is why she should start thinking about her own future and worry less about wether he loves her or not.
sceptical says
Not that it is the case here, but you have a similar scenario with trailing spouses of corporate expats. diplomats or academics. There has to be an agreement that while one person is developing their career, what the other person gets out of it is usually only an international experience.
Noquay says
Kind of a rough parallel but your average ex pat isn’t still paying off student loans and knows from the get go that she/he will be the sole breadwinner.
More like one partner working while the other finishes med school; there is the expectation that the student will get a job, and a good one, at the end of it. A clear progression with a well defined end result.
Fiona says
Why?
She had a good job in her old city. She gave it up for him. Why should she settle for a job she doesn’t like if she knows she could get a fulfilling job in her old city?
Ness says
Because it’s not the same city? I’m not saying she should just settle for mediocre work forever, I’m saying, if she wants to stay with her boyfriend, she needs to compromise and work SOMEWHERE in the meantime so she can start from the bottom and work her way up, or at least to have something to sustain herself while she looks for a “fulfilling” job instead of just sitting around whining about how there isn’t anything “good enough” for her. Otherwise, she can go back to her old city and get a “fulfilling” job, but that would require compromise on her part anyway since she said she doesn’t “do” long distance. She needs to decide whether she wants to try to carry her weight so that she can stay with her current boyfriend, go to another city and agree to “do” long distance, or just leave him so they can both find more suitable relationships.
Simone says
I didn’t detect any whining or entitlement in the young woman’s letter. She had actual employment opportunities and work that she says she loved in another place. She said that she had to CHOOSE between her career and him. She made a huge SACRIFICE to be with him, but he is not willing to share the risk with her. So I think she is completely right to question his feelings for her, but not because he’s drawing a line in the sand. It’s actually because he ASKED her to sign the lease for another year with him, and very soon after, he ASKS her to move out. This is very weird for two reasons: 1) If her name is on the lease she is legally entitled to live there. He has no legal way of getting her out of there, and he knows that she has no money, no prospects, nowhere to go. This part sounds very domineering and controlling. 2) It’s not like the rent for him is going to be any cheaper if she moves out. He actually loses what little she did contribute via her PT jobs and her parents’ contributions. So what is he gaining by having her go? This part sounds very punishing. Bad signs.
If I were in her shoes I would run back to the work I love, the people who want to hire me, pay back my parents and this guy and stay as far away from him as possible.
Fusee says
I certainly understand the boyfriend’s frustration and also the feelings of the Letter Writer but I don’t think we know enough to make a valid assessment about who is right and who is wrong. However to my opinion what the Letter Writer and the rest of us can get out of this story is:
1. Becoming self-sufficient is a personal path, and must be accomplished before moving in with someone, getting married, etc. Great if there is support from a partner or parents along the way, but decisions must be made as if there was no help or as if the help could be withdrawn at any time. It means delaying “fulfilling dreams” and focus on the reality of adulthood, which means paying for one’s own shelter, food, clothing, and other basic necessities. As Evan said, what’s wrong with a 30,000 a year job?
2. Moving in together is a very serious step that people routinely underestimate. They slide into cohabitation because “they spend every night together anyway”, “it’s smart to save on rent”, “we don’t want to be in a long-distance relaitonship”, etc. All of these reasons are understandable, but lack basic wisdom. A successful cohabitation needs the same level of love, compatibility, relationship skills, and commitment as a marriage, and therefore requires that all these important conversations have taken place and that agreements on each “hot topic” have been reached. It also requires to have plans in place in case the unexpected happens: not finding/losing a job, getting pregnant, being robbed/having the home destroyed due to a catastrophic event, etc.
These two people were obviously not ready. The Letter Writer was not self-sufficient and it does not look like their relationship was at the stage of commitment that could sustain hardships. Moral of the story: sometimes the dream job comes later in life, after the basics have been covered and debt reimbursed; and cohabitation needs more than love.
At this point I’d suggest to the Letter Writer to break up, move out and go back to her parents or the city where she had better job prospects. Focus on your self-sufficiency, and go back to dating only after you have secured your first 30,000/year job.
Danaris says
One thing that struck me in the letter is that she is being supported by both her boyfriend AND her parents and her boyfriend AND her parents are telling her to get a full time job. So, it’s not just the boyfriend who is tired of paying her way.
From my own personal experience, some people need to have all financial support removed in order to stand on their own two feet. And I was one of those people. In my 20’s, I was reckless with money and got into a lot of credit card debt. For a several years, my mother would bail me out and I’d find myself right be in trouble until the one day my mother said no. No more money; no more help. Now, because I had been used to her support, I was so angry and I could rationalize in my mind exactly why my mother owed me HER hard earned money. I was so angry that I didn’t talk to her for a few years, but it was the best thing that she ever did, because I had to get myself together on my own. If my mother hadn’t said no, I am pretty certain I would never have changed.
I have a feeling that the OP might be the same way I was. As long as there is a net to fall into, she has no incentive to change. She might say she wants a fulfilling job, but she mentioned that her boyfriend is doing quite well and she was feeling resentful that he is frustrated that he is paying for everything. That thinking feels a lot like she thinks that because he can afford to pay for everything, that he should HAPPILY pay for everything. That’s exactly what my thinking was like when I was younger.
So, sometimes helping people is actually hurting them. Maybe her boyfriend realized that or maybe he just wants to spend HIS hard earned money on himself as is his right. Either way, I think the OP needs to support herself and stop relying on others to do it for her. She may not like it now, but it will be so much better for her in the long run.
Adrian says
I remember once in economics class our teach asked a financial question and required every student to give a answer, so she had each person answer one by one, by the time the the question reached the last row of students, the number given in the orginal question had been greatly changed. The responsed in this post remind me of that class.
-She never said she had a job prior to moving
– She said her parents are also tired of supporting her, so for all you who say that her boyfriend doesn’t love her, because after TWO LONG YEARS of supporting her, he has had enough, so he doesn’t love her, are you also saying that her own parents don’t love her either?
-For those of you who said that the boyfriend is a selfish for having her leave her job for him (again where did she say she had a job), did you NOT READ where she stated that she WILL NOT DO long distance relatonships? I think it was her idea and not the boyfriends for her to move along with him, if not then the long distance statement she made wouldn’t have been necessary.
-She was planning on going back to school before she even moved with the boyfriend to the new city, she never gave up a job, she just stated that once she would have graduated there would have had a greater chance of not finding a job, but finding a job in the field she loves
-She never stated she had trouble finding a job, she said she had trouble finding a job she considered fulfilling, for all you commenters condemning the boyfriend, maybe his problem is that after TWO YEARS his girlfriend is passing up work waiting on the perfect job
-She stated that she did find a job after TWO YEARS, but it was low-wage and part-time, in other words she had a job but quit it.
-She stated that the boyfriend wants to stay together, and she can move back in once she has a job, which tells me that his purpose is to light a fire under her to motivate her to stop being a princess, not to punish her
Cari says
I honestly don’t fully agree with Evan’s point of view here. It’s not just like one goes outside and find a job. It can be difficult, but even despite that we are talking here about being supportive. Imagine if they were married, so if she gets sick and cannot afford to pay the medical bills and contribute to the household, she has to leave too? this is insane. She mentioned she’s depressed, and depression is a serious mental illness, glad you’re getting help.
I honestly would think twice about giving up on my own career dreams over other’s, he doesn’t seem to appreciate the effort she did for him: moving to other city with less job opportunities to be together and etc.
I’d advice you to re-think all this. He says he loves you but do you feel loved? with all this? I have serious doubts about it
Somegirl says
I am not saying that she should leave or stay. Only she can determine that.
But one thing that is certain….he has revealed that his live is conditional.
Now is she okay with being loved conditionally or does she want unconditional love ?
Now it can be argued that all love is conditional …ie: most humans would no longer love a person if they found out that person was a murderer.
However, most people can come closer to unconditional love then the man she is currently with
Bottom line: His dealbreaker *is* money.
Only she can determine if she is okay with that.
BLINGBLANGCHANG says
In this case, I think commitment to the relationship came before the OPs commitment to herself. When love knocks, it can be hard to resist opening the door, even when you’re not financially ready. I think that it wouldve been better for her to stabilize all aspects of herself THEN date afterwards , when shes in a better headspace. Sacrificing a major career opportunity for someone that is A. Not your husband and B. Not rich enough to support you should you sacrifice , is not a healthy move. I dont think that a husband would kick his wife out for not finding a job but she needs to realize that this guy is NOT her husband…and thus, is not willing to make the same level of sacrifice that she feels that she made.He couldve proposed by now lol. @evanmarckatz and Evan, wow! You continued to date your now wife even after you learned of the debt?! You proposed anyway?! AND PAID FOR THE WEDDING?! Lol what planet of man are you from? It sounds like you were more committed to things working than some other guys. I think the mindset that someone has towards themselves and a relationship speaks volumes about how much that person may value a relationship. You seem like you always wanted a wife and family but some men are unsure. And because theyre unsure, they have limits to how much they will sacrifice for the relationship. I think you were more invested in your wife when you were dating for nine months than this guy is for his long term girlfriend! I think she needs a new job AND a new boyfriend
Done says
We actually did not move to another city but he still took the position and travels during the week most weeks. ..I think she should leave him for sure he obviously doesn’t appreciate the sacrifice she made moving for him. Yes not enough information. Is she still working part time or did she quit and is unemployed? I agree maybe she and maybe myself committed to a relationship without even knowing how committed the guy is before committing to herself and me myself. Huge mistake! Just be glad you don’t have a child Sydney that would make it more confusing and difficult.
Michael Stewart says
If it were me in your situation rather than wait for my dream job i would simply take whatever I can find and while I am working earning income and taking care of myself I would search for my dream job. I had a gf who I payed for all her expenses and gave her money for our wedding and it put a real strain on my finances and causes stress. So far we are not married yet and she is demanding 1000 a month from me. Whenever I am unemployed my first thought is finding asource of income as fast as possible even if it is not an ideal job for me. I would rather be earning something at a job I hate then earning nothing waiting for something that might never happen.It is true it is annoying to have to pay for someone else. I would rather spend the money on trips or into Treasury bonds which would be better for my future and my future spouse.