I casually mentioned to my ex-girlfriend that I was reading and participating in discussion forums on sex and dating. She got furious and ended the relationship. I tried to explain to her that I was only using the forums to get information to make things better, to make her happier, and to address a bedroom issue we were having. I was emphatic that I wasn’t chatting with others or looking to cheat on her. I even showed her the discussions I was participating in so she could see my intentions, to no avail.
I’ve read some comments on your blog from women who said that they would dump a guy on the spot for doing this. If my partner was actively looking for ways to improve our relationship, I would be thrilled. The forum I was participating in was totally anonymous and there was no way anybody could have identified either one of us.
Honestly, what’s the big deal about participating in those forums the way I described?
Yeah, I don’t get this. I mean, I understand that it happens, but I don’t understand the logic behind it.
Now, if anyone should have a grasp on this subject, it’s me. I’ve been doing this since 2003, and am well aware that I’m a lot of women’s dirty little secret. I’ve had clients who’ve worked with me for a year, fallen in love, gotten married, and never breathed a word of it to their husbands — because they’re still afraid that they’re going to be judged or dumped. I’ve had women in my FOCUS Coaching program for two years, who, when asked about the online Forum to which they’re addicted, say “it’s a support group for women around relationships.” No mention of the male dating coach involved.
These women have been so burned by men that they see trouble at every corner — even when there is no trouble to be found.
This is just a roundabout way of saying that people are insecure. And they let their insecurities make their decisions — even when they’re bad decisions. Insecurity is what allows women to freak out if their boyfriend talks about an ex, finds another woman attractive, or has a conversation with another woman on Facebook. These women have been so burned by men that they see trouble at every corner — even when there is no trouble to be found. Then they confront you because they don’t trust you, you lash out at not being trusted, and the relationship starts to deteriorate. This is why I say it’s always “full trust or no trust.” There’s nothing in between. (Tweet this quote!)
If your girlfriend trusted you — that you were, in fact, a good boyfriend, who was looking online for answers to a specific relationship dilemma — this could have been seen as a sweet gesture. Instead, she looked at your actions through a negative filter — seeing the worst in you, projecting that you might cheat on her, and probably feeling very defensive about the fact that you sought outside answers to your “problem.” This is dimestore insecurity; the kind that sounds like it should be easily negotiated through an authentic and vulnerable conversation, but ended up blowing up in your face.
Consider yourself lucky. Otherwise you’d have to put up with this insecure bullshit for the rest of your life.
I say this as a guy who got dumped by a girlfriend because my friends went to a bachelor party at a strip club in Vegas that I wasn’t even at. Yep. She threw away a six-month relationship because I was friends with the kind of guys who went to strip clubs at all. Sigh. I’ll just tell you what I learned in the aftermath, Scott.
Consider yourself lucky.
Otherwise you’d have to put up with this insecure bullshit for the rest of your life.