Single For Years? It’s Not Necessarily You…

Two weeks ago in the New York Times, Sara Eckel described how difficult it was to explain to her dates that she hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in eight years. EIGHT YEARS.

One of her dates actually asked her: “What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t know,” she answered.

Eckel worked hard to fill her life with activities to avoid the pain of being single. She writes “I went on Internet dates, speed dates and blind dates. I had great hair and a confident smile. But I was still alone. And in the dark of Saturday night, I still asked myself, ‘What’s wrong with me?'”

After dating her future husband for a month, she revealed her eight-year relationship drought. “Lucky for me,” he said, “all those other guys were idiots.”

To him, she was not a problem to solve, or a puzzle that needed working out. She was the girl he was in love with.

This article has been a very popular one – one of the most emailed New York Times pieces this week – because it pretty much says that you will fall in love and that nothing has to change. Who wouldn’t like that message?

And while I’m pretty sure I’m not “The Man” she refers to in the article, the tips she mentions to finding love aren’t necessarily bad ones. Furthermore, there is no love without opportunity, and though the author seems to think that it just happened when she met the right guy, it REALLY happened because she went through that process of learning and dating and soul searching. Ms. Eckel didn’t just sit on her ass, complain that men suck, and give up on dating. Even if she didn’t have to fundamentally change who she was, she had to have enough experience to appreciate the good man who finally appreciated her and wanted to lock her in – instead of bailing on him because he was “too nice” or “safe” or “boring”. This, by the way, is essentially half of my message – appreciate the man who appreciates you (the other half being “be the best partner you can be”).

So, do you feel like Sara Eckel? Do you think that it’s silly to try to do something different to achieve a different result? Do you think that the best way to fall in love is just be yourself and hope?

I don’t believe this at all – Ms. Eckel did indeed get lucky – but I can acknowledge why women have been passing this article around like a joint. The best kind of change is the one that you never have to make.

Read the piece here and share your feelings in the comments below.

Join our conversation (115 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    Sara didn’t give up and did exactly what you, Evan, is telling us women. Don’t give up and go on dates. You can meet the ‘man of your dream’ anywhere, but you have to take your chances and put yourself out there. And when this wonderful man comes along you’ll appreciate him for appreciating you. But from my experience, it took me a long time to realize the latter…. I believe that I’m getting closer to meeting the right man, because I did the soul searching and learned from my experience as Sara did. I changed my beliefs…

  2. 2

    Great article! I was just talking to one of my girlfriends this morning about this very same topic.  We both realize that the reason why we are still single isn’t because there’s something so wrong with us that makes us unlovable. Yes, you’ve got to consistently put yourself out there to meet someone, but ultimately meeting the right guy is pretty much a numbers game. Although you increase the likelihood of winning the more you play, but there aren’t any real guarantees that your lucky number will come up.  The other thing that is sad but true is that some women, no matter how hard they try, may never end up meeting the right guy.

    1. 2.1

      Good post.

      In my experience, women tend to have a longer list of what they want in a man, with many items on her list being totally unrealistic, and she will reject every man who doesn’t meet every requirement.

      Every man I know does not have this long list of what they want in a woman.
      My list is only about six items with only a couple of them being solid deal-breakers.

      FYI: I’m in my mid 50’s, divorced over 15 years ago, not a player, dating but single for all of those years.  So I can relate to the author’s 8 year stretch.

      1. 2.1.1


        Oh, I have met men who want the perfect woman as well and have a long list of unrealistic qualities they are seeking for. I had a classmate, literally tell us that he never had a relationship last longer than six months. We understood why, because he was looking for a mythical creature, not a woman.  On top of that, he was in loved with himself and is a jerk. Then, he cried about why he is still single for years, wants kids, and blamed it on everyone. He went on EIGHT dates from women he met online in one week. Something’s off with him.

        I didn’t have a long list of qualities. If I did, I would have missed out on the man of my dreams today.

  3. 3

    Sara Eckel seems to have it all, except the one thing she thinks she really wants.  Why does she not admit to not meeting the man she hoped to be linked with for life?
    And why does that mean there has to be something wrong with her?  I believe that not getting with a person that you don’t like to be a good thing.  If he gives you the creeps, move on.  If he doesn’t want to work around your schedule, move on.  I am not talking about finding fault with everyone you meet, but why do we have to just like and be interested because they are interested in us.  Ewwww.  Some of the men that have expressed and interest, only a mother could love, and if she knew what they were really like?!?! even that would be doubtful.  And I don’t blame Sara for cringing when a man asks, when was your last relationship or how long has it been?  You never know what he is thinking unless he tells you and even then it may be a nice cover for>>>>>Oh, goody!  She is ripe!  Hasn’t had sex in ages!<<<< Yeah, no wonder the fairer sex is sooo jaded!  Men really can be asses!  And yes, even the ones we may end up marrying. LOL 

  4. 4

    I don’t see where she says just be yourself and hope.  She worked on her issues, consulted the self help experts, internet dated, speed dated blind dated changed her looks had an active life.  Then she met someone and there was mutual appreciation and acceptance.  As title is “Sometimes It’s Not You” this would not be applicable to all women.  What I get from the article is at some point you got to stop beating yourself up because you are still single.  Because you can be the best you possible,  love yourself appreciate men and still be single

  5. 5

    The great thing about Sara’s attitude is that she didn’t force herself to be in a relationship with the wrong guy. I’ve seen too many people, both men and women, do this just to avoid being alone. It’s always seemed ironic that the men who have been the most judgmental about my being single had terrible marriages and relationships  themselves – maybe they couldn’t stand the thought of being alone?

    Sara did learn, and date, and soul-search, but she also did – ultimately – meet the right guy. Who says that has to happen to everybody by the age of 30? Could it also be that after 8 years of singlehood, she was, finally, ready for the right man to come along? Would he have been the right man for her at 24 as he was at 39?

  6. 6

    It’s a nice story because it is inspiring. It feels like the columnist version of a trailer. I say that because she did not share what happened in her path to get her to that point.
    Was it because she came to some realization? Was it the length of the courtship that made her finally fall in love? Was it because he was the only guy that kept showing her interest? I think EMK is suggesting that it just took her this length of time (a critical mass of experiences so-to-speak) to finally accept the next man that was seriously interested in her.
    If my math is correct, I also notice that they were dating 5 years before getting married. So there still does sound like some commitment issues there!
    I’d love to know more of her story. This is the puzzle that was not shared in her article!

  7. 7

    Not to keep bringing math and statistics into this, but it is relevant here…

    It seems pretty obvious that as long as you keep searching, you’ll have a better chance of someone who accepts you just as you are if you keep going at it for a long time.  The world is vast, and there are many types of people; you just have to keep meeting new ones.  If you want to find someone in a shorter amount of time, then it makes sense to try to change yourself.

    Then again, as Teresa pointed out, Sara did try to change herself.  But she didn’t make it clear in her piece whether those changes made it easier for her to get along with her man, or whether those changes made no difference. 

  8. 8

    I was hoping you’d comment on this article, Evan!
    …but I agree with Teresa.  I don’t think the author is saying don’t work on yourself and don’t try to create opportunities to find love.  She DID all those things– she just still had to wait a long time to meet the right guy.  And when you can genuinely look yourself in the eye and know that you are trying your best, making all the effort you can, and not sabotaging the relationships that do come your way (because you’ve read everything Evan’s written that you can get your hands on!:), and you’re STILL single, the only thing to do is keep making an effort, enjoy your life, stop thinking there’s something wrong with you, and hope in the future. 
    My own dates have gotten a lot better since I stopped beating myself up for being single.  Sometimes you just really haven’t met the right guy. 

  9. 9

    My impression about Sara’s experience is that she created opportunities for herself to possibly find love, but she stayed primarily true to her authentic self. Would any of us really want it any other way? No, of course not. As for opportunity, sometimes opportunity does come knocking, but most people simply don’t recognize it and they never open the door. And yes, sometimes we have to create those moments, too.
    I guess I sit on the fence about all of this sometimes. Should one change their appearance, demeanor, lifestyle, etc. to find love, when in fact, sometimes those changes can bring about a sense of uncomfortableness or maybe even an undertone of unhappiness that will be picked up on, if not directly, then in some other way that equates to still not finding love? If a person chooses to make changes that are positive and real for them, that’s fantastic, as long as it feels natural.
    Without knowing Sara, I don’t think the issue was with her, per se. It sounds like she lived a full life, but nothing too overbearing that would have excluded love and commitment. It’s that people can be so easily influenced by what others and society in general think, instead of carefully listening and following their own inner voice and instinct. Sara had simply not met the right man. Nothing more; nothing less. Despite what most everyone thinks, there’s no real timeline on this. It’s all a fabrication. The fact that it took her longer than most women is an unfortunate stereotype that some women choose to carry, thus likely making their search more painful and arduous which can create its own issue. People can smell desperation.
    By not having a boyfriend for eight years, she likely saved herself a lot of heartache, and a pattern that would have generated even more self-defeating, destructive thoughts about what was wrong with her, why did he leave and/or cheat on her, what could she have done differently to keep him, etc. Having a “boyfriend” guarantees nothing. She could have been in such a state that when she met her future husband, it would have never happened.
    IMHO, there are reasons for why things happen as they do. 🙂

  10. 10

    Nowadays, I think that it is FAR easier than we want to admit to find someone that is compatible with us.  We just have to play the field for a number of years until we will admit it.  Now that I have been with Jake for five and a half years, I look back and think that I probably could have made it work with many of the men I dated, I just wasn’t in that place yet.  Jake isn’t THE right guy who finally came along, he’s one of the many potentially right men who came along THE MOMENT I WAS READY.

    1. 10.2

      I agree. I’ve encountered plenty of wonderful men along the way. This is why it boggles my mind when people complain about the lack of quality men/women out there.

      They’re everywhere, even possibly under your nose! They’re your friends, coworkers, friends of friends, friends of the family, they’re standing behind you at the grocery store, they’re at the gym, they live in your neighborhood and walk their dogs in front of your house, they’re a member of your running club, etc.

  11. 11

    You know, I’m not sure about what Honey just said… Like Sara, its 8 years since I split up with my husband, and I’m still single – I did have a 2 year relationship about half way through the 8 years but whatever, I’m STILL single. When I got divorced, I think I truly imagined I’d meet someone and be in the early stages of a new relationship within a year, and I am staggered that 8 years on, it still hasn’t happened. This has led to a lot of soul-searching, and I DO sometimes go over the long list of people I’ve dated in that time and wonder if I missed a good’un because of not being ready/looking for the wrong things/too high expectations etc…etc… But I honestly don’t feel that’s the case. There’s not ONE guy whom I’ve dated and broken up with who I regret passing on, or think I ought to have stuck with.
    I just turned 47 a week ago, and I am having to seriously consider whether its a good idea to continuing dating after all this time. Like Sara, I’ve done internet dating, speed dating, singles holidays, dance classes etc..etc… and I feel I’ve pretty much exhausted all avenues. I feel like I’ve dated every guy in my entire city! At what poiunt does it make sense to just stop? Like the hopeful young actress going to Hollywood to make it big and waiting tables to make ends meet in the meantime, when does “pursuing your dream” become “flogging a dead horse.”?

    Some may argue you’ve nothing to lose by continuing to actively date, but having done it for so long I would  disagree with that – it takes time, effort, commitment and energy to peruse websites, keep yourself “date ready” actually GO on dates, plus all the emotional drain it can place on you when nothing’s working – at what point do you stop putting yourself through this and decide to live your life in another way? Maybe some people have the energy to do the whole dating thing AND live a great life in other respects, but for me all the dating effort DOES take a whole chunk of  my personal resources away from other areas. Yet i know that if I stop ACTIVELY looking then my chances of meeting someone drop to almost zero – I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of dates I’ve been on in 8 years that occurred “naturally” by just going about my daily life. So people, anyone got any thoughts? When do you call it a day?!

    1. 11.2

      Omg I totally give it up for periods of time. The ups and downs of dating are excruciating and there are times you need to throw in the towel and just buy a chocolate cake, read, go to the gym, shop, whatever u can do that gives you a guaranteed reward. Then get back into it when you have the energy for it all. Don’t feel bad about giving up temporarily.

    2. 11.3

      Great post helene.

      I am in exactly the same boat as you.  You are not alone girl.
      I am now in my early-50’s, divorced for over 15 years, and still single.
      I have dated a dozen train wrecks during that time, if you want to hear some real doozies post a reply and ask, I have some great date-from-hell stories.  🙂

      I also waffle back-and-forth on dating, sometimes going for a year or more without any desire to get back into it.
      I just had another date three weeks ago, I like her, but it looks like she is going to be a flake, so I’m out.  Too bad.

      I get frustrated because it seems that all women in my city are crazy.  I am relocating to a much larger city in a year or two (my tech firm is about to boom), and I am really looking forward to that, since my dating pool should increase substantially (along with the increase in crime rate and my taxation rate 😉 ).

    3. 11.4
      Karmic Equation

      I second Evan’s advice. You don’t.

      However, you don’t need to “actively” look either.

      You do need to find hobbies that make you feel good about yourself AND which makes sure you get out of the house AND which ensures that you’re in the company of men.

      Have you tried to join a bowling team? How about getting some lessons and then going to a pool hall to practice? You might even get asked to join a team. Most teams look for “newbies” to help with staying under team handicaps. You meet a lot of men in pool leagues. I also used to karaoke a lot.

      And all of the above I did solo and never required to have a girl friend to do it with. I have a girl friend who NEVER does anything by herself. So she never gets approached. I used to get approached all the time. The “worst” that ever happened was I got a lot of table time practicing and getting better at pool. The middle-of-the road experiences was I had a great time shooting pool or singing with a new friend. The best that ever happened was a 6yr relationship and my current 5 month relationship. Oh yeah, and a marriage back in my late 20s.

      However, I was approached because I was very into what I was doing. Very intensely concentrating on my pool game. Or having a great time laughing and chatting with friends at karaoke. I didn’t do those things TO meet men. I was doing something I really enjoyed that HAPPENED to be in a place where available men were. And I never felt bad if men didn’t approach me because I wasn’t there to be approached. Being approached was a bonus.

      I guess what I’m saying is that you need to find hobbies that enrich your life and make you happy. When you’re concentrating on making yourself happy — OUTSIDE YOUR OWN HOME (very key, you know 🙂 ) — men will approach you. Men like happy women.

      Some activities that may are male-dominated:

      -Flag football

      -Ultimate frisbee




      -Pool (On any given night, I might be the only woman shooting pool in a pool hall)

      -Martial arts (definitely! and you can learn some valuable self-defense skills)


      1. 11.4.1

        So true, what Karmic Equation said. I was never approached so much as when I was happily doing something that gave me pleasure in itself. I guess I gave off a good vibe. People gravitate toward people who genuinely seem happy.

    4. 11.5
      Alisa Smythe

      I think you perhaps are secretly putting all the blame on yourself as to why you are single.  Some people get hitched when they are 18, and others never ever get hitched because they never ever meet The One.  And there are plenty of others who fall all over the middle of that spectrum.  Instead of being obsessed with meeting someone, keep going out, but don’t expect anything.  Just realize that it’s all luck and there is nothing you can do to change that.  Just “do you” as they say.

  12. 12

    This is what I have learned by dating women who are in their thirties:
    1) they are generally morose and unhappy
    2) they have had their share of abusive relationships, fwbs, exploring their sexuality in the 20s that have left them jaded and with very little enthusiasm for a true partner
    3) they have less power in the dating marketplace and are being ignored by most of the desirable men
    4) they think men who are willing to date are also willing to commit. A women can date(short term relationship) a significantly more desirable man but if she wants investment and longer term commitment then the man would have to be relatively less desirable

    None of this is a complaint, just an observation. I do my best not to date women in their thirties with a lot of emotional baggage, and I am pretty sure all other men are trying to do the same. But many men will not have that option. Thus women in their thirties have a significantly harder time attracting men’s attention.

    Have you ever heard of a 25 year old girl complaining about dating?

    1. 12.1

      Actually, yes. Don’t know how it is in USA, yet where I live its exactly like that – girls in early 20s already complain about dating. A lot. I have a crowd of girlfriends aged 22-35, and lately I notice the tendency that 20-something girls say the same stuff as 30-something women do. They get wiser and more experienced earlier now, I guess.

    2. 12.2

      “Have you ever heard of a 25 year old girl complaining about dating?”

      I’ve heard 18-year-old women complain about dating.

      Of course, that has to do with the behavior – and entitlement complexes – of the men they date, something you don’t touch upon in your “list” but which certainly jumps right out at a reader in your fourth “point”, especially if that reader is reading carefully.

      (Actually, I could get into how the NiceGuy™ complex & resentment are bleeding out of your entire “list”, but I don’t have that kind of time.)

      1. 12.2.1
        Ava Wilson

        You go gurl. 

    3. 12.3

      As an 26 year old male I have to agree. Sorry but women in their 20’s teach men to NOT marry. it’s funny because when men are loving and caring we become “Nice guys” and the only reason we are able to continue on to find dates is to do the opposite. NOT CARE. being a jerk protects us from getting close and getting hurt again. The Moment a man opens himself up to a woman in her 20s he is looked down on as weak and then kicked to the curb.

      So we get laid MORE, we have women who want to stay around longer and things work out better when we stopped caring. A Man can only be Mr. Charming so many times before it becomes a rehearsed act. We can only fall in “true love” so many times before we have heard it all. It has nothing to do with us wanting to be dominant. . We just get tired of “being a Man” when in reality too many women just want an “Entertainer” instead. They just want a good time they can kick to the side once another good time came around.

      And the few “good guys” who are left often get called creeps Just because they suck at talking to women, Aka They dont have a bunch of 1 liners and experience from screwing around with tons of women. That’s actually a good thing because an Honest man is a real man. But even then they end up becoming targets and realize they need to become “jerks” to have any chance in the dating world.

      1. 12.3.1

        That’s interesting because another guy up above says he won’t date women in their 30’s for being jaded an having baggage, just like you’re blaming women in their 20’s for causing you.  Women can’t win.

        1. Ted

          Nope, women can win, it just requires that they get over themselves. Even into our 30s there’s plenty of us guys out there that are worth having, but haven’t been married. Even more if you don’t mind guys that are divorced and/or have children.

          It’s just that you have to be open minded enough to give us a chance.

          OTOH, once you hit your 30s, the time available for having children starts to get narrow extremely quickly and by the time a woman is 40 she’s unlikely to be fertile.

          Also, it helps if you’re nice to the guys that approach you and are willing to initiate the conversation. It’s a shocking amount of work to ask women out, even if you don’t mind the ego hit that results from being rejected.

    4. 12.4

      Spare us the trolling with your manosphere bullshit. We’ve heard it all before here.

      If so many men like you want nothing to do with 30 and 40 something women, why do you spend your time trolling a website pretty much devoted to that demographic? Just go get your 25 year old hotties you believe are drooling over you and leave the rest of us alone to do what we came here for and learn how to improve ourselves and have healthy relationships.

      Do you also go to Weight Watchers meetings in your No Fat Chicks t-shirt and give a speech about how no guy likes fatties and then pass out candy bars?

      1. 12.4.1

        Another keyboard warrior. I’m sure none of the women on this thread would date him and I think the only way he would get a 25 year old is if he paid for it! Like most men out there with as much baggage as this loser has!!!!! 

      2. 12.4.2

        Awesome, Kara!

    5. 12.5

      This is a load of generalisations and assumptions In fact its utter rubbish.
      BTW I was gorgeous when I was 25 –  I still had difficulty dating But met my late husband by sheer chance.  

    6. 12.6

      lol at MaleReader and Alex.

      Sorry guys, although I found your posts entertaining, I have to go with the ladies on this one.
      I work with mostly women, who range from their mid-20’s to their mid-50’s, and for the most part they are not like what you guys are saying.

      I am early 50’s, divorced (over 15 years ago) and dating, and looking for a woman in her 30’s or 40’s.  Preferably a professional as I am one (I own a tech firm).  I would never date a teenager or girl in her 20’s.
      I would only classify myself as around a 5-6 in looks, but I do strength training and am fit and eat clean, and I do clean up nicely.  😉
      My biggest downfall in attracting a woman is I am a bit quirky (and I know it), which might turn off some women who first meet me, think Sheldon (Big Bang) + Danny (Undateable) + Dr. Reid (Criminal Minds).

      1. 12.6.1

        I know this is an old post, but I can’t bear to have Sheldon & Dr. Reid classed in the same category.


        Dr. Reid is hawt.  And  also cool.  Sheldon, by contrast, is rude, takes pride in his lack of social skills, and has a tendency to blame women for his social  problems.

        The fact that they are lumped together here says something … but I hesitate to muse too much on exactly what.

        1. DeeGee

          I meant the original naive and quirky but likable Sheldon from the first seasons, and not the moron and sometimes jerk they made him in the later seasons.  🙂

      2. 12.6.2


        Thanks for supporting women.  But I’m just curious, why are you only looking for women in their 30s and 40s?  What is wrong with women your age?  I have had 4 men in their late 50s and early 60s ask me out recently (I am 38) and I find it a bit disrespectful (to me and to older women).  Not because “how dare a man that age ask a woman my age on a date”, but because one day I will be their age and I may be a perfectly good woman looking for companionship, but men my age will only want to date someone 20 years their junior?

        1. DeeGee

          Anna said: “why are you only looking for women in their 30s and 40s?

          Because there are virtually no women in their 50’s in my region on the dating site I was on.
          So I started out looking for any women in the range of around 38 to 49.
          However, I messaged at least 75 of them, and after being shot down by all of them for reasons of:
          – “you are too short” (I’m 5’8″),
          – “I prefer tall dark and handsome men” (I’m average redhead and average),
          – “you are not rich enough” (I only currently make ~$85k/year),
          – etc.,
          I gave up on 38 to 49 and changed my search range to 45 to 60…. and ended up getting any responses from these women who had the exact same superficial reasons as to why I was undateable.
          So I discontinued my dating site payments, left the dating site, and sit here alone at my keyboard responding to blog questions such as yours.  😉

    7. 12.7

      Yes. I’m nearly 24 and I’ve been single for 5 years because I want an intelligent, funny man which are sorely lacking in the area I live in. Most men my age are looking to hit it and quit it or are borderline illiterate that I can’t take them seriously. I honestly feel dating would be easier when I’m older.

    8. 12.8

      I’m 25 and I complain about dating all the time lol. Although I’m a 25 year old woman, not a 25 year old girl. So there’s that.

  13. 13

    @helene #12 
    I could have written your words.  I’m 47 years old, and it’s been 6 years of singlehood for me.  As Evan’s short reply stated, “you don’t” call it a day.  I’ve learned that I have to be my own best friend, advocate, and most importantly, cheerleader.  I have to keep putting myself out there.  I know that by putting my best out there, my turn will come, too.  Don’t give up!

  14. 14

    @ Helene — I feel your pain.  I’m quickly approaching 59 and have dated for most of the past 12 years. Most people who meet me are shocked to hear I’m still single (unless they’re also single women still in the search). Your question has crossed my mind many times: When do I call it quits and accept my single life as enough?  

    But why do we ask that question in the first place? I wouldn’t ask myself: “When do I call it quits at trying to be a writer? An artist? A fun, loving grandmother? A supportive mother? An independent woman with an admirable work history and career?” Those are endeavors in my life that ebb and flow and are part of what makes up the story of Me on this Earth. Why would you ever want to quit staying open to love?

    I totally agree that actively dating does require time, money, energy, and a certain level of humility. But so do a lot of other things. I often take breaks from the dating endeavor to re-focus, get a different perspective, and just concentrate my efforts and time on other things I enjoy. It’s not a question of when to quit, there’s no deadline that I know of.  I think it’s more a question of “How much energy do I have right now to pursue a relationship?”

    The reason this article was comforting to me is that it reminds me that I’m not alone in my quest. And as long as I don’t fall into the negative thinking of: IS IT ME? Or WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? then my life looks and feels better to me, with or without a dedicated man in it. I’m a firm believer in continued growth, regardless of my age, so learning new ways to improve my relationship skills with men is just part of that desire to not stagnate. But there is no requirement that I fulfill any goal, or that I’ve lost out if I don’t find a man. My life still has value and depth and not lacking in other kinds of love.

    Do I sound like I’m my own cheerleading squad? Probably, but, ya know, whatever works.  

    One last thing. Without putting too sharp a point on it (me? never.) — I do think that people who are IN relationships tend to be less realistic about how genuinely difficult it can be to be out there seeking, attempting to stay optimistic, maintaining self-esteem in a world that is still terrible slanted towards “the couple.” Single does not equal Loser.  Coupled people who judge and advise single people can sometimes come across as smug — whether intentional or not. A women recently came up to me at my niece’s wedding reception and asked me if there was a special man in my life now. I know she meant well — perhaps because my ex-husband was also there with his woman — and when I said, “no,” she immediately said, “Well, we’ll just have to do something about that!”  

    To me this infers that I’m not keeping up, have lost status, and assumes I’m not happy just the way I am. I’m pretty sure I was drinking wine & dancing, for pete’s sake.  Poor me.  It’s kinda like my Aunt Ruth saying years ago, “Karen is such a pretty girl; it’s a shame she’s got her mother’s heavy ankles.”  

    1. 14.1
      Karmic Equation

      “Karen is such a pretty girl; it’s a shame she’s got her mother’s heavy ankles.”

      “no,” she immediately said, “Well, we’ll just have to do something about that!” 

      These are the reasons why I rather have guy friends than girl friends. Why I’d rather be in male company than female company.

      Men don’t give back-handed compliments. They don’t imply there’s something wrong with you. They’re either going to give you a fulsome compliment or diss you directly 🙂

      It’s this reason why so many women take issue with my posts. They read into my posts intent to put them down when I was telling them they were DOING something wrong (a behavior they can change) NOT that they were wrong as human beings (a judgement of their character, which FTR, I was not doing). THAT is the biggest difference between male and female communications. Women hear disparagement from men, because they’re so used to hearing the implied criticism from other women.

      With most men, with good men, they’re going to tell you you’re off your rocker when they think you are; they’re going to tell you you look fat in that dress if they think you do; they’re going to tell you you’re overreacting when they think you are. They really don’t have the wherewithal to give you hidden messages.

      So Zann, and all women who have mostly female friends and very few male friends: You all might just want to consider take a girl-a-tus from your girlfriends in addition to or instead of guy-a-tuses from dating when you feel the world is “putting you down” because you’re single. (And remember, it’s usually women who do this putting down, not men.)

      That way maybe you can reset your internal interpretation hamster (haha), so that you only hear the positive side of compliments and automatically ignore the backhanded disses.

      Happiness is a choice, right?

  15. 15

    MaleReader #14

    So now we have yet another (presumably) 30-something man complaining about women in their thirties who complain about the men they date. 

    As far as 25-year-old women complaining about dating, yes, I was one once, and I complained about dating, as did my girlfriends. People can have problems with dating at any age. Most of my married girlfriends got hitched in their late 20’s-early 40’s, so apparently they weren’t that jaded or undesirable.

  16. 16

    Going out on a limb a bit here: giving up might be exactly what some of us need to do. Specifically, giving up the attachment you have to finding and having a committed partner in your life.
    The way I see it, the effort of going on dates, trying out new ways to meet people, and opening space for dating and a potential new partner are all necessary ingredients. However, at the same time, none of that will necessarily lead you to getting that person you want into your life. And to push the idea above further, there’s a point where focus on finding a partner slides into obsession.
    In other words, sometimes more effort and mental energy are not at all what’s needed – letting go completely is is what’s needed. Because when you actually finally do that, you realize what I think Zann above is talking about – that it’s all an ebb and flow and that letting go of your desire for relationship doesn’t have to be some depressing finality, but that it’s basically about admitting that you don’t know. Don’t know if doing anything else is needed. Or if it’s going to happen or not eventually.
    How can you find joy and satisfaction now, as you are? Not only is this attractive to other healthy, intelligent, creative people, but it’s also an attractive way to live, period. But in my experience, it seems to require being ok with not knowing a lot. With learning to balance intelligent effort with some form of faith that it will all work out in the end.

    1. 16.1

      I agree with this comment. Very spot-on.

      I’ve struggled with the concept of dating for years. I’ve tried many different methods. Some I’ve ruled out completely, because they always made me miserable, bitter and jaded, regardless of my change in strategy or attitude. When we go through a conveyor belt of people, dating one after the other, we eventually lose sight of what it is that we really want. Being single has, in effect, put me in touch with my deepest needs, and I realized that what I want is something that has to happen. Chasing it has only made me miserable. In effect, I learned and grew by NOT dating.

      Because I know what I want, I don’t feel the need to go on a conveyor belt of dates with different men, trying them on like shoes at a store. Do I still “look” for single men? Of course, again using the methods I like best. But I can’t do this all the time, or turn it into a job. The looking, in and of itself, is neither satisfying nor rewarding nor has produced any success whatsoever.

      I met my ex-husband when I wasn’t looking. I met all successive relationships after him when I wasn’t looking, either. I met them at work, or during my daily routine.

      Things are different now, in that I no longer work in the same environment. The environment I’m in now does not provide a lot of single, age-appropriate men. So I search in other ways – but again, in moderation.

      I am focusing on self-improvement now, as in, can I improve my health and wellness, my daily routine? Are there any unnecessary stressors I can remove from my life? I’ve done a bang-up job identifying these, and one of those stressors is wanting a partner. It’s simply too much.

      I struggle with the release of this desire. I guess I’m afraid that if I stop wanting it, it will never happen. But it hasn’t happened the entire time I obsessed over it, and that’s my point. I have to release the burden of wanting it so badly. These things happen when they happen, not just from my own experiences but from others’ stories as well. Even if you are “looking” – online dating, singles events, whatever – it still happens when it happens; you could be looking for years until it does. In the meantime, why not live life with less stress and pressure?

  17. 17

    @Zann and Helene: I understand exactly how you both feel. I’m 49 and although it’s only been 9 months since my last relationship, at the moment, I find the whole online dating process to be difficult, stressful and exhausting. I met my my last two boyfriends online and both relationships lasted for about a year. So I do think that online dating can work, but l haven’t had much success with it lately as I seem to only be attracting undesirables. Therefore, I’m taking a break from it and trying a  more traditional approach. I’ve joined some dating/social groups through an organization called My attitude is that I’m participating to have fun and meet new people. If I happen to meet a great guy as a result, that would be awesome. In the meantime, the pressure is off and I’m simply having a good time. The plus is that it also gives me a chance to see how the guys who attend the various social events behave in a variety of different social settings before I date them.

  18. 18

    Nathan — I think you said it perfectly.  

  19. 19

    To Nathan and Zann, very well said. It’s about living a full life, while letting go of so many sometimes destructive and counter productive expectations and thoughts. There are no guarantees that every single person will find the perfect mate for them, no matter how much internal/external work they may do, or the various methods they may try. And this idea that maybe you did cross paths with the right man/woman at some point in your life, but your self-sabotaging ways/thoughts caused you to turn a blind eye on what could have been so promising, but never came to fruition doesn’t feel right to me. For that moment in your life, and for the person you were at that moment in your life, they were not the right person, regardless of potential.
    When we allow ourselves to live in the moment, to love and enjoy ourselves and our life, we release so much negative energy that can get in the way of finding someone special. We feel more like our authentic selves, and we enjoy the dating process more. It feels more like an enjoyable hobby, instead of a miserable way to a self-imposed means. We think we know what we want, but we’re often wrong. Living this way also provides no guarantees, but above all else, you will always have yourself no matter what, for which there is no greater gift, and there is no timeline or expiration date on having hope. 🙂

  20. 20

    nathan #18, amen. Love your comments.
    Life is short and is so full of riches. There is so much more to do and enjoy in life than a frenzied pursuit of being partnered. Being partnered shouldn’t become an obsession, because then more emphasis is placed on being coupled at last than on being with the person who is right for you.
    I find it a shame that there’s still a social stigma about being single. If this social stigma didn’t exist, maybe fewer people would feel desperation and depression when it comes to years of dating.  Dating shouldn’t be grueling work; it should be fun and lighthearted. Likewise, it shouldn’t be the default to assume that something is wrong with someone just because they haven’t found “the one” for years. Maybe some people just like doing things on their own or with friends. There is nothing wrong with that.

    1. 20.1

      “I find it a shame that there’s still a social stigma about being single. If this social stigma didn’t exist, maybe fewer people would feel desperation and depression when it comes to years of dating. “

      QFT and RFE (repeated for emphasis).

  21. 21

    I just want to give some encouragement to those who are “older” and have been single for a number of years. I am 47 years old and stayed single for 8 years after my divorce, even though I went on many dates. Last summer I met a guy online that I just clicked with from the beginning. Nine months later he asked me to move in with him, two months after that we were engaged, and six weeks later we were married. After all those times when dating seemed so difficult, this relationship has been so easy. I never had to wonder where I stood with him; he called and texted me consistently right from the beginning. He treats me right, makes me laugh, and is friends with everyone. I’ve never had a doubt about our relationship and everyone who knows us is always commenting on how happy we are together. Right before we met, he had given up on online dating and taken down his profile. Then his best friend met a great woman online and he decided he would give it one more shot. So he put his profile back up, we met, and the rest is history. So I’m just trying to say: Don’t give up! The right person is definitely worth the wait!

  22. 22

    Thanks everyone for your comments on this…. I definately think the stigma of being single affects me and makes me more anxious to find someone suitable – and more anxious again when its not working…
    I’ve realised I actually feel EMBARRISED about being single – crazy, really, when so many of the couples I know are in questionable relationships that I certainly wouldn’t want to be in. But being in a couple of any sort still carries higher social standing than being long-term single. I’m going to a wedding in a few weeks, and apart from the practical difficulties of going alone, I feel embarrised having to tell the bride i won’t be bringing a “plus one.”
    All the same, i definately think I’m going to take a break from dating for an indefinate period – I’ve taken myself off all websites and although there’s a huge sense of anticlimax right now and a sort of “well then, that’s it.” feeling, at the same time it is sort of liberating not to have to wade through more profiles and keep checking for messages – for now, I know there won’t be any.

  23. 23

    Nathan, well said! You put words to exactly what I’ve been thinking lately about dating. Sometimes you just need a break so as not to go down the path of obsession.
    Diana #21 I agree with you as well, and there is no expiration date on hope.
    As far what MaleReader #14 had to say, the same way women draw certain men to them because of their issues is the same way men draw women to them. If you’re constantly running into morose and unhappy 30-something women, that is probably who you are.
    I never get why men expect a fully grown woman with a little more life experience under her belt to keep acting like a 25 year old. Just because there are so many men who want to stay Peter Pan forever, doesn’t mean women want to stay in the same place and never grow and change.

  24. 24

    I always love your responses.  And you did give me something to think about re: the article.

    But I do wonder why this theme: ” it REALLY happened because she went through that process of learning and dating and soul searching” is pushed to a lot of women–especially when there is no counter point or thought ever pushed to men?  Most men do not show up relationship ready, emotionally healthy, or open either….so I wonder.
    I have a fair amount of guy friends, and none of them do ‘soul searching, etc etc’ to prepare themselves for their future mates.  If women are the only ones searching their souls, then where does that leave us at times? Isn’t that a bit lopsided?
    Just some thoughts.

    1. 24.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @CK – It IS lopsided. But what are you going to do? Force men, at gunpoint, to read John Gray books and attend Marianne Williamson seminars? No, your job is to do whatever is in your power to facilitate the relationship of your dreams – understanding men, actively dating online, learning to be more open and tolerant, not putting up with poor treatment, are all great tools to do that. The right guy will appreciate your efforts. The wrong guy won’t. Pretty straightforward.

      1. 24.1.1

        “@CK – It IS lopsided. But what are you going to do?”

        1) Band together as “good men” and if/when you observe other men in your social circles behaving like brodudes and treating women badly, CALL THEM OUT ON IT.

        2) Query other men in your social circles on how their dating lives are going and if you’ve observed a special woman that was around but suddenly is not, care enough to ask what happened. And when your friend starts giving the “she just didn’t / she just wouldn’t” excuses, ask that friend if there might have been something he did — just like you ask us women — that could have contributed to and/or directly caused her to make that choice with *her* behavior. CALL THEM OUT ON IT.

        And – especially since you all are holding yourselves out as the “good men”? OFFER THEM THE BETTER EXAMPLE OF WHAT TO DO DIFFERENTLY.

        You all do this in business. You mentor each other – even (sometimes especially) as peers. But when it comes to doing that same sort of mentoring — you know, the kind that used to happen as a matter of course between older & younger brothers, uncles & nephews, the “alphas” in men’s social circles and the others — there are aaaaaaalllllllllll kinds of excuses.

        Most of them coming from the so-called “good men”.

        You know better than most, EMK, that men don’t listen to women about these kinds of things. They only listen to other men.

        So this is not something we women can do by ourselves, as so many dating & relationship experts & gurus suggest. We can’t do it without you. We need (see? We’re needing men! Look!) your help.

        It continues to amaze me that relationships have two people in them, but it is only one of those people — the woman — who is expected to do *all* the communication work, offer *all* the effort, sustain *all* the patience, do *all* the emotional labor. That is expected in no other relationship in the world containing two people. How do ostensibly rational and logical people expect that to continue to work?

        It can’t. Dating and relationships will continue to fail unless men do their half. It’s just math and physics (and biology, when the woman’s human system shuts down because she’s completely exhausted from all that effort with no reciprocation). It’s really that simple.

        1. Karl R


          You really have no clue how men interact with each other.


          Men don’t stick our noses into each others’ business to the depth you seem to expect. If I ask a friend how his dating life is going, I expect a one sentence response.  If he wants to tell me more, he will volunteer the information.  If he wants my advice, he will ask questions.

          If a man wants a conversation with someone who asks nosy questions and offers unsolicited advice, he’ll call his mother.  I hang out with my buddies because they don’t do that.


          And maybe you should get down off your high horse.  Women don’t call out their friends either.  In general, women expect validation from their friends.  At least with men, on the rare occasions that they solicit my opinion, they expect me to give my opinion. They don’t expect me to validate their opinion.


          Men do listen to other men … but not for the reasons you seem to think.  A man generally isn’t going to offer advice unless he’s asked for it.  A man isn’t going to ask a question unless he wants the answer.  If a man starts offering unsolicited advice, you’ll notice that other men start tuning him out quite quickly.


          Men sometimes call out other men who treat women badly.  That’s how bar fights start.

          For that reason, my wife has specifically requested that I stop calling out one creep at the C&W bar when he gropes women.


          The good men do offer a better example.  But we don’t try to cram that example down other men’s throat.  If men want to be like us, they will be.  If they don’t want to be like us, I’m not going to completely waste my time by trying to change their minds.

          In some instances, I may need the men around me to be better (at work, at sports, etc).  That’s where you see men putting in some serious effort to get other men to improve.  I need the analysts in my office to perform their jobs well.  I don’t need them to have happy dating lives.


          m said:

          “Dating and relationships will continue to fail unless men do their half.”

          So what?

          I put in the effort to make my dating, relationships and marriage work out.  I see a direct benefit from those efforts.

          Why should I put in a crapload of effort to make a whole bunch of other men become better at relationships (when those men don’t seem interested in improving)?  Do you expect me to do it in order to make your dating and relationships more successful?

          It’s. Not. Worth. My. Time.

          Frankly, it’s not worth your time either.  If you start dating a man who makes no effort, move on.


          The only person you can change is you.  If your dating strategy requires that other people change so you can succeed, then you are completely and totally screwed.

          That advice applies equally to men and women.

      2. 24.1.2

        I would bot force anyone to read John Grays books. That would be an exquisite form if torture. Biggest load of cobblers going. Only topped by ‘the secret’ 😉

    2. 24.2

      CK, some men are introspective as well.

      I have not done much checking with my male friends to see how many of them read self-help books though, so I cannot speak about men in general, but I get the feeling that most men don’t read much, especially relationship books.

      Over the past 20 years I have read such books as (this is not an ad for these) Men Are From Mars WAFV, His Need Her Needs, What Wives Wish THKAW, etc. etc., I am currently on my second course in tantric sex and my first course in zen sex, etc. etc.
      Plus I regularly go to many sites and blogs such as this (I found this site recently).
      Note some of these books are better than others so read at your own discretion.
      I am not a player or PUA though so I haven’t had many partners.

      Now to get to the point I would like to make:
      Even though I am one who does a lot of “soul searching” and self-improvement, most likely you would not know the difference if we went on a first date.
      It’s not like I would be carrying a backpack with copies of all of the books I read, and wearing a pin that says “I took a tantric sex course.  How do you like me now?”.

      And I have found that if I don’t meet all of the requirements on my date’s list (his looks, his height, his teeth, his clothes, his hair, did he pay for everything, did he make me laugh, how much does he make, what kind of car does he drive, does he have a big house, does he have house-cleaning service, does he like kittens, …, …, …), then it wouldn’t matter if I were the most stable and well read man on earth.

    3. 24.3
      Karmic Equation


      The one paramount objective of men is NOT to “get a relationship” (which is the paramount objective of most women) but rather to get sex. However, most men have to offer commitment to get sex, what I call “relationship sex” (as opposed to casual sex, which is uncommitted sex).

      Men will put in money and effort to get casual sex (hence the emergence of the PUA industry) and will offer committed relationships to women one of two reasons, imo.

      1) He’s doesn’t have enough game to get uncommitted sex. “Game” in this context is the complete package of looks, charm, and conversational skills.

      2) He considers the woman worthy of a relationship. “Worthy” women in this context are the women who are almost a complete package (men don’t expect “complete” packages like women do, they’re happy with an “almost” complete package) — of looks, kindness, and supportiveness.

      Most men would rather just have the sex and not the relationship. That’s why men don’t “start out” trying to be good partners. Once they find a woman worthy of a relationship (and he grows to love her) he THEN tries to become a better partner.

      Women have to inspire men to become better partners. And once they are inspired, they are … umm … more trainable 🙂 Men hate it when I say that, but that is the truth. lol

      So, stop expecting men to “start off” being great partners. Focus on becoming a worthier woman, and you’ll find men will try to be better partners.

      This, of course, assumes that you’re choosing quality men, as opposed to jerks, for partners. Jerks will TRY to be good partners at the beginning, but they can’t keep it up in the long run. So, you need to refrain from “falling in love” with a guy until you’re CERTAIN he’s not a long-term jerk disguised as a short-term nice guy.

      1. 24.3.1

        Karmic said: “Women have to inspire men to become better partners. And once they are inspired, they are … umm … more trainable“.

        And what does it take for women to become trainable?
        Or do you think/believe that they are already whole and perfect.  😉

    4. 24.4

      Most men don’t just expect for a partner to fall into their laps. The work that men do doesn’t automatically translate into growth, most of it is a waste of time.

      If we knew whom to ask out to get married or whatever our goal is, we could safely dispense with all that wasted effort and be better off.

      The problem is that this is a pay to play system for the guys. If we don’t go out and start asking women out, then we will definitely die alone. Women that choose not to put some effort into asking usually get married eventually anyways and often to somebody great.

      I agree that it is a double standard, but let’s not pretend like women are automatically putting in the same amount of effort for just showing up, because they’re not. Developing themselves makes them more attractive and is a whole lot easier than putting up with all the rejection and wasted effort that men are just expected to deal with.

  25. 25

    What Nathan said. 

    I don’t necessarily agree the with the idea that “your turn will come”.  When one is over 50 one’s options as far as available men are limited and as one ages they become even moreso.  Be the best you can be and live yoru best life is all one can do. 

    1. 25.1

      Teresa said: “When one is over 50 one’s options as far as available men are limited“.

      I am a man over 50.
      When a man is over 50 his options as far as available women is also limited.
      It goes both ways.
      This is assuming of course that he is not interested in (excuse the terms) fame whores, gold diggers, or immature women in their 20’s.

  26. 26

    I support CK’s question about men doing “soul searching” – as a man who has done a hell of a lot of it. More men need to do their work, whatever that might look like, and not just expect to be accepted as is – especially if “as is” is a total mess. The guys reading this need to understand that the question CK poses is important – don’t blow it off as a complaint. If we want women with their baggage dealt with, we have to deal with our own. End of story.

    1. 26.1

      “More men need to do their work, whatever that might look like, and not just expect to be accepted as is – especially if “as is” is a total mess. The guys reading this need to understand that the question CK poses is important – don’t blow it off as a complaint. If we want women with their baggage dealt with, we have to deal with our own. End of story.”

      QFT and RFE.

      I’m sure there are a lot of men reading here who aren’t listening to me about this, because I’m a woman.

      So since Nathan has said it – him being a man and all – perhaps you’ll hear it from him.

  27. 27
    Lipstick and Playdates

    Sara is like every single women I know in NYC.  During her “single days” she was constantly working on herself — traveling, taking classes, learning new things.  She never gave up hope. I see her story as a little bit of luck and a little bit of her own doing.   

  28. 28
    single schmingle

    @MaleReader (14), gross generalizations like that are exactly why YOU’RE still single.

  29. 29

    “Have you ever heard a 25 year old girl complain about dating?”
    Yeah. They do it all of the time. People in their late 30s don’t have a “hookup culture” that dominates romantic interactions to contend with. Ever try to get a college aged guy to settle down and start a family? It’s not the easiest thing. Also, there are some young girls who just lack male interest.

    1. 29.1

      Jada, I should know, I was one of those girls. Well, to be fair I didn’t really lack male interest, not totally. It was just that the wrong males were interested. The ones I liked hardly gave me the time of day (unless they thought they might be able to score). In my mid-twenties, I gave up chasing guys. I was through putting myself out there, letting them know I was interested only to get completely shot down. I had other issues though: I was trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life, and gaining and losing weight to the point that I became severely overweight. To this day, I haven’t had a boyfriend since the guy I dated for a few months in high school (and he liked my friend more than he liked me). I’m 32 years old, about to turn 33 in a few months and I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’m still a virgin, saving myself for marriage. I have nightmares about finding a man who I think is The One, only to have him balk at these revelations. What guy wouldn’t at this age? It does look really bad after all. I’ve often wondered the same things Sara has – what’s wrong with me that I haven’t had any luck? I’m trying, but it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be to meet quality men. I am going to keep going because it is like a job hunt – you don’t stop looking until you find what you’re after. I guess my expectations when I began dating again a year ago were out of whack. I figured, hey, my skin’s finally clear, my weight is under control, I have good teeth now, plus I look damn good compared to how I did before. It should be easy to have guys asking me out! I envisioned a scenario much like in the movies, where the ugly duckling finally turns into a swan and suddenly, all the guys want her. Well, I’m coming to the realization that while I’ve improved my appearance exponentially (and continue to do so), men just don’t see me as the beautiful swan, and probably never will. If they did, my Match inbox would be full to bursting. I have an interesting profile with original sentiments, a smiling, professional-quality main head shot and two (admittedly lesser-quality) “action” shots. But the guys are all too busy swarming the Top Model-looking chicks to care much about little old average me. I did an experiment on Plenty of Fish a year ago where I swapped out my picture for some random hot chick and posted a new account with the same interesting essay as my real one. I changed nothing on her description; not her age (31), not her body type description (average), not her height (5’7), or her relationship length (under a year). The guys went absolutely NUTS for this girl! She got over 200 responses in just one day. At that point, I had been online for SIX WEEKS and I can say with certainty that I’d probably gotten just over half that on my real profile. And the responses to my real one mainly consisted of “Hey, you’re hot, wanna chat?” The guys who messaged the fake chick on the other hand, could not get enough of how sweet, genuine, fun and down to Earth she seemed. Many of them even wrote her pages-long emails, and asked her out right in the first message. They even sent her “gifts” (you can send virtual gifts on POF that cost you “points”- to this day, I can’t remember ever getting one). Dating sucks no matter what age you are, especially if you’re not the hottest woman on the scene. I think that can bring its own set of problems, but to me any attention is better than none at all. I’m so tired of being passed over and ignored. I want my inbox to be flooded too. I want to be the kind of girl who never has to worry about getting dates. I want to be the girl who chooses to stay in on a Saturday night because she’s truly not interested in going out, not the girl who just didn’t happen to get any date offers. I want so badly for men to pursue me that way, but the reality I’ve had to face is that I will never, ever be the in-demand woman I want to be. I don’t want to be that way forever, but it would be nice if I could have that kind of attention just for a little while, until I find my Mr. Right. I thought dating was going to be so much fun: just write a good profile and put up attractive, interesting photos and watch the interested parties keep rolling in. Nope. I guess some do get to have that experience, but I don’t.

    2. 29.2

      That’s probably true, but they also can’t usually get pregnant, which means for any of us that want to be fathers, they’re essentially not going to cut it.

      It does suck, but the reality is that for women that waste their fertile years being picky and spoiled, there will come a time when there’s no more time left and they get to bear the consequences of it.

      It’s not fair, but that’s life. There’s no shortage of men in most areas, even if you stick to men that are at least halfway decent. The problem is when women anger Mr. Right and Prince Charming and they give up and just date each other. Which does happen.

  30. 30


    Good Comment Nathan. I think with Evan though, he is dealing with women here, so it’s more about women learning to deal with their issues, than trying to change men since that isn’t effective(for women). If we work on our issues, we can find those good men.

    But I agree that men can do more work alongside of women.

    My current partner, we’ve been friends for 7 years. He really wanted to see if we could make a relationship work so we are trying it. I’m 37, he is 49. He is far older than I would ever have liked, but he is a man who has done his work. He loves women, understands us SO well, and is such a good man. 

    So I’m going to give it a go, even with the age difference. He really has worked at becoming a better man, lover, partner and it shows. It is prevalent in the amount of women who have been quite aggressively sniffing around him also, since his last relationship ended. He is a find that’s for sure, and not because he’s an alpha stud. But because he is such a wonderful man. And that..was because he worked at it 🙂

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