Am I Too Old to Have Success in Online Dating?
- Meeting Men, Online Dating, Online Dating
Hi Evan,
I feel like I am “aging out” of online dating. I’ve noticed after my last birthday (I turned 54 in June) that the response I get on match.com has dropped to almost nothing. It’s as though moving from the early 50s to the mid 50s is some kind of death-knell for a dating life. I initiate contact with men in an age-range of about 3 years younger up to about 8 years older than myself. The potential matches that the site sends me are age appropriate for me, but when I look at the age-range that those men desire, (usually 35-50) I often move past them, knowing I can’t compete with women in their desired range, even though many of those men are as much as 5-8 years older than me! In other words, Match.com knowingly sends me matches that are probably not realistic for me to pursue. When I have emailed some of those guys, I never hear back. I’m guessing they check out my profile, see my age, and probably read no further. Even if I am within their desired range, I still don’t get much of a response. I assume the reason for this is they can get younger women to respond to them, so why would they go for me when they have a chance with the 45 year-old version of me? If their first wife was their age, like a college sweetheart or whatever, they probably feel entitled to a newer model, so to speak. Our culture encourages this. It’s frustrating, not to mention depressing and more than a little humiliating. It’s the built-in folly of online sites: you are only defined by your age, in bold type right next to your user name.
I am a youthful, fit and free-spirited woman and to be honest, I’m not ready for the retired 65-70+ year old guys. I don’t mean those men any disrespect, I just want to date a guy closer to my age so that I have a longer future with him, and I don’t feel that I should have to apologize for that. I have taken your and others’ advice about profile writing, and I have great photos, so I feel confident that the problem is not in how I present myself. I am disinclined to lie about my age. It always comes out eventually and I’d hate to have to explain myself then. I’m not ashamed of my age and hiding it seems phony. When I meet men in person in my daily life, I get a better response because they see the whole me, hear my voice, get a sense of what I’m like, all before they know how old I am, meaning I can be defined by other qualities. It’s difficult to meet large numbers of men that way, but I’m starting to feel like my chance of making a non age-biased connection with a guy is only out in the real world. And the real-world opportunities can be few and far between. Any insight?
Sara
Dear Sara,
Older men have more options than older women (online and in real life) because they can usually date somewhat younger.
I can’t disagree with anything you’ve observed about online dating and age. I can only disagree with your ultimate conclusion.
So here are the facts:
Older men have more options than older women (online and in real life) because they can usually date somewhat younger.
Older men have a huge blind spot when it comes to age. They refuse to even consider women their own age, even if she’s fit and attractive. Worse, they’re hypocritical about it, because they don’t understand why the vast majority of younger women won’t go for them.
And yet, the fastest growing segment for online dating is the 50+ market. More unhappy couples are getting divorced when the kids leave the house. More people work from home. More people spend 10 hours a day at the office. More people have computers and are aware of someone who found love online.
We also know that dating online does not mean that you’re not dating men you meet in real life. Which is why this is not an either/or choice. If you meet a guy through friends, at the market, at a concert, great. Having a profile on Match.com isn’t going to keep you from doing that.
Most people who say they’ve taken my advice have only taken a few pieces of my advice. Which is like saying you’re going on a diet by cutting out sugar, but continuing to eat large portions of fried foods.
Now that we’ve established that online dating is a smart and necessary long-term strategy for women over 50, the question becomes, “What can you do better?”
You think you’re doing everything you can possibly do. And you may be trying your best, but you’re not truly maximizing your potential.
In all likelihood, despite your efforts, I’m betting your profile can be better, your photos can be better, your responses to men could be better, your initial emails to men could be better, and your choices in men could be better.
Are you using Reverse Match? Are you using Daily Matches? Are you adding men to your favorites list? Are you putting in a half hour a day? Are you initiating contact with at least one man a day who states that he’s open to women your age?
I don’t know the answer, but most people who say they’ve taken my advice have only taken a few pieces of my advice.
Which is like saying you’re going on a diet by cutting out sugar, but continuing to eat large portions of fried foods.
My recommendation — if you haven’t done it already — is to go through every word in Finding the One Online. It’s 7 hours/180 pages of advice that takes you through the entire process of online dating chronologically. I’m betting you can find TWENTY things you can do differently to get different results.
But don’t kid yourself.
You can’t change men.
You can’t change online dating.
You don’t have to quit online dating to meet men in real life.
All you can do is change your mindset and approach to the dating process and let the chips fall where they may.
And since I’ve helped a LOT of women over 50, I have to believe that all you can do is keep on keeping on, instead of embracing the idea that NO women over the age of 50 find partners online.
It just ain’t true.
Kathleen says
Great timing for this post as my 54th birthday looms up next month. I agree with everything Evan says and based on your advice Evan Ive tweaked my profile with your suggestions e.g. making it about what I offer them . Most importantly I agree your photos have to be great.
I chose to adjust my age down a few years since I was being eliminated by what seems like half the men my age when I put my real age. Since Im in very good shape physically it doesn’t seem a problem when I disclose my real age when someone makes initial contact.
Match is a much more age criteria oriented site than say POF.
Ive asked some of the guys my age who have contacted me as an “exception” about their success with their age range search. It is often 10-20 years younger than them and these are very “average” appearing guys . They have told me of their frustration with lack of responses. What interesting is that younger guys ( early 40s) vs those my own age seem more interested.
johnboy says
As a middle age guy, I really don’t buy into the dating online scene. I tried it for about 6 months once years ago and found it to be a time consuming wasted effort for the most part. I put that time into persuing what I love to do and enrich my life. I have a wonderful career and enjoy playing music part time. I am happier now then ever before, and more women come into my life because of that success.
SchadenfreudianSlipper says
Johnboy, I don’t understand your rationale for posting.
Is it to inform us that you have broken free of the shackles created by a mindset that external forces dictate happiness? Is it an achievement of some objective?
I suppose congratulations may be in order, but read as you’ve written it, I see a guy who’s engaging in a form of gloating, derisiveness, or ridiculing others for attempting to extract value from online dating resources.
Meh says
Really? I read it as sharing his experience. I think you’re being incredibly defensive here. This man is saying that maybe there’s something not so great about online dating – framed it as his experience and offered it in a forum in which people are discussing their frustrations with that issue. Do you honestly think people should only come here to praise what you want praised? What an odd odd way to look at the world.
Been there says
Sounds like what he’s saying is there are good middle age men out there but they aren’t online, I second that, onlinebottom of the barrel, offline vibrant, attractive and in touch. I’ll bet he dates his own age too because he sees the value of women that age rather than expecting a pat on the back for it, only the singles scene crowd have such open and ingrained contempt for women. The middle age men who shop online do it as a last resort because no one can stand them offline, as he said you meet people when you have a life (and therefore don’t need online), men that age online don’t have a life. I’d say this is encoraging for the OP.
Sam says
I get what you are saying. When my marriage fell apart a year ago people tried to reassure me that I was a catch. And I still thing I should be – am tall, trim, look young for 48, run my own successful company, know how to dance, am a community leader with environmental education and in my profession, lecture at university, write, from an exotic place (Alaska). As a result I am very busy so online dating looked like the solution. But in fact in six I can count on one hand the number of women who have written back and no actual dates. I picked women in my own date range and attractiveness range. Just to check I wrote to quite older women and less attractive than myself. Nothing. Got on Tinder and swiped nearly every woman. Tried all sorts of pictures. Nothing. When I talk to my female friends they say they are inundated. The only dates I have had, 2, were from old friends who both told me they had been fantasising about me for years but then they left it at that and rarely return my calls. At Meetups women seem interested but they don’t respond. Just don’t understand this, it is as if they expect me to pursue them and I am reluctant to do that because the two times I did that when my marriage was souring permanently alienated good friends. Really out to sea on all of this – so much has changed since I was last dating 26 years ago.
Sam says
To be honest am grateful in a way. I think a large part of my motivation is just to feel like I am still attractive to women. In reality am enjoying being my own man, and don’t really want a relationship. Women are probably able to see through me on that.
Karmic Equation says
Aww, Sam. Sounds like you are a good guy and doing all you can to find someone new.
A few things you need to know, nowadays, women want good looking as much as men want “beauty”.
But the definition of “good looking men” to women varies probably more widely than the definition of “beautiful women” to men. For example, a balding man may still be considered good looking by a lot of women, whereas a woman with thinning hair would not be considered beautiful by most people, never mind men.
Most men think they look young for their age, when in fact they don’t, so you may look young for your age or you may not. But “young-looking men” don’t turn on women the way young-looking women turn men on. Handsome faces, at whatever age, turns women on, a la Sean Connery, Tom Selleck, and Sam Elliot.
Since you left out “handsome” then I’m going to assume you may be average looking. In which case, in the age of the internet, you would be at a disadvantage.
While Evan is a proponent of the internet, I believe he met his wife via setup by friends. So you might want to ask your friends to set you up.
If you’ve gone on dates, and they don’t progress to 2nd dates, then something about your behaviors during dates may have turned women off. Or it could simply be the way you dress, style your hair, etc., that could have turned women off.
You might need to ask some gal-friends to give you advice on whether you need a physical makeover of some kind (wardrobe as well as hair). And talk to some single gal-friends whose opinions you respect about your dates to see if they can give you some insights to improving whatever behaviors you may need to improve upon for dating success.
Without knowing you, I would say, don’t try “too hard” to be anything you’re not. Be yourself. It could simply be that women think you’re trying too hard. Women dislike that the same way men dislike insecurity in women. We prefer authenticity, even if that is more rough around the edges than a guy who tries too hard to please.
Evan Marc Katz says
“While Evan is a proponent of the internet, I believe he met his wife via setup by friends. So you might want to ask your friends to set you up.”
I wasn’t set up with my wife. We met at a party – even though we were both on Match at the same time. That says far more about our limiting search criteria (her: no Jewish guys, me: no older women) than it does about online dating itself.
Sam says
Thanks for the sympathy. Not balding, have full head of hair with gray at the temples, and women do flirt with me quite a bit. Didn’t say handsome because how am I to know, really, but actually think I must be in a classic way quite handsome. Have had a number of friends with fashion sense help dress me.
Perhaps my problem is a tendency to be very friendly and helpful and smile all the time. Can’t pull off looking or feeling angry, which was a problem in my marriage where I was walked all over, had very little intimacy, and didn’t feel respected. Have been told I come off like a goofy kid, a bit hyper. Women don’t seem to find that appealing.
Sam says
The ‘aww’ comment says it all. Women adopt me like I am their little brother or their kid or their gay friend or maybe their uncle. They mean well but I actually experience that as disempowering.
Karmic Equation says
Ok. Sam. I get the picture.
Well, if you’re vibing you don’t want a relationship and most women in their late 40s are looking for relationships, no kidding they wouldn’t want to date you again, if they sense that.
Why don’t you date the women who flirt with you?
Sam says
Actually there is one woman I want to be with. She will be back in town in a year and she likes me, but timing, geography etc. doesn’t work and we both decided to drop it for the time being. To be honest I’m internally focused on her. Friends are telling me to play the field and not be so serious, and so I am just trying to put myself out there to get some confidence. My experience hasn’t been confidence building though – lol.
Sam says
Actually KE, that must be it. I’m pretty honest on my profile and in person that I’m just looking for something fun and nothing serious.
All the women’s profile are so earnest about wanting a heavy relationship right off the bat before they even get to know you. That kind of language steers me away but for many guys this would simultaneously turn them off a relationship while communicating to them how they need to lie in order to get what they want. Most men my age that I talk to are very gun shy about loosing their freedom (they are fairly emotionally bruised by past relationships). At the same time not having sex feels lousy and is hard to put up with. In thinking about it, women might want to issue challenges to men to become better men, rather than give a list of ‘criteria’ that unscrupulous guys will tick off to get off.
Sam says
What I am writing is just garbage borne out of frustration.
john says
Kathleen, I’m an older man and most women on line in my age group make out they are not interested in the younger men. But of course they are. It’s just that all the younger men approaching older women are predominantly, looking for what they consider to be the fastest way to get easy sex. They only show interest in men their own age when the supply of younger men dries up, or the men start to lose interest in them. it is insulting to me. And that’s why I’m not interested in the women, my age who approach me.
ForeverYoung says
Pardon me but your statement makes little sense, John. I have never dated all the young guys and then, when that ‘pool’ dries up, relented and finally started considering men my own age. Most women aren’t like that. I have personally prefertired older men my whole life, but I am ‘too old’ for them. People too fickle in online dating sites.
the-sphynx says
John–So you claim the younger women are genuinely interested in you and not in younger men, but the older women are really only interested in younger guys and *might* settle for you when the supply runs out? What a crock! It’s clearly YOU who want younger lovers and will not consider prospects of your own age. And you’re projecting your own issues on the latter.
John says
I didn’t get into “younger women……genuinely interested” in me. We musn’t generalise. My point in my earlier comment is valid in many cases though. Sure, I find women who are younger than me (not too much younger) more attractive – on balance. Don’t we all find youth and beauty appealling ?? Or maybe it’s just me lol ;-).
Grumpy old codger says
As a 72 yr old male looking for a companion around my age, I recently joined one of the top rated sites but am frustrated by the number of 40-45 yr old ladies that keep contacting me. Guess I’m just wasting my time.
Andrew says
Men over 45 do have more options regarding dating. But there are ways around this. First, a woman has to specifically state what she offers a man (that he wants) in the context of dating and relationships. I’ve read thousands of female profiles (35-55 years old) and almost none of them actually state what they offer a man. Normally, it’s a list of demands and preferences. This is not good marketing. A woman must be able to answer the question “What do I offer a man that he wants?” If she doesn’t know, (or is offended by the question) she’s not ready for dating.
Here’s something else to consider – while women are the gatekeepers to sexuality, men are the gatekeepers to commitment.
DinaStrange says
What do men offer?
Jordan S says
Men offer stability, security and love. A true man in the traditional sense will meet the needs of a woman be it sexual, emotional or financial. Its built into us to protect and to provide.
Ally says
and there are about as many of these true men as there are true women out there. lmoa
henri says
I think you are biased in your opinion. It is not about marketing as much as it is about compatability…something you never spoke of. You can market all you want and get a bad product. Be thoughtful Men are not gatekeepers to commitment. Men are men.. Trusebreakers, unfaithful and such is life. When I say men I mean humanity.
D. McKinnon says
Andrew, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
the-sphynx says
The truth is that ANY good dating profile (regardless of one’s age) must show what you offer to the readers, rather than just a laundry list of demands. Entirely too many profiles of both genders do not take the audience into account. Sadly, many of the ones that DO offer a lot are scammers. But that is a different problem.
Been there says
Most mens profiles are shopping lists and “stay and away if” they barely tell you about themselves let alone what they have to offer, when you talk to them it’s all about them and what they want and stuff that you need to be getting something out of it, you’re not taken into consideration at all. Women flooded with mail have no choice but to say no to someone hiding behind a list of demands. Men want women to put it all out there so they can go “nope, nope, nope not good enough” in the face of your generosity and hospitality but they never look in the mirror.
Also sick of hearing women have to do this or that to get a man, every age group gets it, what am I getting exactly? A whinger who thinks the world revolves around him, “nope, not good enough”. You want women to open up and put themselves at risk (and for women meeting strangers who use dating sites to narrow down candidates, or is that prey, the risks are significant and potentially deadly) then you need to lead by example with an open profile yourself, transparency and taking things at an intensity and pace that makes her feel like she can trust you. If you force it and get a bite don’t complain later she’s “psycho” because only someone who is out of her mind would offer herself up like that to whoever just happens to come along.
Kathleen says
Andrew
Beside sexual favors… just kidding…..what do you specifically want to see women offer in her profile ?
I can’t imagine a woman being offended by that question. Im in sales and you are right Its all about marketing to fill a need
Misha says
My advice besides the review and polishing Evan recommends, is to try some of the senior dating sites. I’ve seen one called ourtime, i think that is specifically for 45 and up. Match comes across as the proverbial meat market where everyone thinks they can order up their version of fillet minion and lobster and are puzzled and militant when they don’t get it.
I’m only 4 months into 46 and have noticed that I’m past my sell by date to most men my age. they might grudgingly go to 45 or 44. And I’ve only noticed a limited number of profiles of men who will go 2-4 years older then their age.
Try some other sites do the real life activities where you can meet new people etc. 😀
the-sphynx says
Misha–Totally agree about choosing another website. I tried match.com when I was 38 and again when I was 43, and as a woman, the drop-off in responses as you get older is sharp there. Something about paying those few dollars a month seems to make men feel entitled to babes no older than 40. I’ve had much better luck with men near my own age on okcupid, even well into my fifties.
Julia says
I think we all feel this way. I am 31 and rarely receive a response from men under the age of 35, and most men who contact me are over 40. I wouldn’t mind dating a man in his early 30s but its obvious they aren’t interested in women 30 and over.
Jordan S says
Julia you are correct. I am 35 and I will not date a woman who is not in her early to mid 20s. Why? Well I have chatted online with very many 30+ women and my conclusion is that the vast majority I’d say 90+% are very bitter, angry, have some preconceived notion against guys being untrustworthy and not to mention they are really bitchy. Its SOOOO hard to have a meaningful fun clean conversation with them. They’re just too much to handle. I hope this doesnt offend you. I did say that it was 90%+ so not everyone falls into this camp.
SchadenfreudianSlipper says
Jordan speaks truthfully. Not that men can’t be pains in the rear, too; this is as much as a given as his description of bitter, angry women. I don’t play when she turns vicious–just move along. Now I’m finding women 20-30 years younger than me doing the approaching. How times have changed.
Feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells around those women (and self-pitying, bitter men) is your innards telling you to sprint off like Usain Bolt.
Bee says
I am 38 and look about 10 years younger. On online dating sites, I am usually approached by men whose age vary between mid 20s to mid 60s. In the two cases, i am always surprised. Why are these people unable to relate to women in their age range? I mean I could be the mother to one group and the daughter of the second. What do they talk about? What would they have in common?
Jordan, speaking as a non-bitter, non-angry woman, it’s true that women become more defensive as they grow older. I really wish that wouldn’t happen. I also wish men would behave better and not give women a reason to be so defensive.
I would never berate you for your choices. We live in a free world and can do anything we want. But please consider that there are very very nice women who you are automatically eliminating with this mindset, which oddly enough is based on the same prejudice that you are disparaging. Women in their thirties are great. We love life. We live life. And we have the freedom to do so. We just don’t tolerate BS.
Julia says
Interesting, just reading this response now. Its funny, as I got slightly older (32) I had more men in their early 30s messaging me, might just be that I improved my profile and pictures. 35-40 were still the vast majority of messages I got. Now I am marrying a man 7 years older than me.
Becky says
Incredible, so many of these responses are proving out my experience which is that both genders are capable of wild generalizations. It doesn’t help that the format of the sites actually perpetuate disillusionment.
As a pretty attractive 56 year old woman, fit, great job I have concluded, as some of you, that the only good way to meet men my age is in real life.
I don’t even want a man that has gotten too good at navigating online dating.
Yet Another Guy says
@Becky
If you are attractive and fit, you are either shooting above your SMV or doing something wrong online. I am a year older than you. If I date within an acceptable age range, I pretty much have my choice of women on dating sites (I dated over 100 women in a little under 2.5 years with heavy pre-date screening and a couple of short-term relationships). Yet, my current girlfriend is four years older than me. Why? Because she neither looks or acts her age.
The reality is that men are interested in women who are warm, fun, flirty, and affectionate. Those qualities are difficult, but not impossible to pull off in a profile. My current girlfriend stated that she was into guitarists and guitar-oriented music in her profile. I have played lead and rhythm guitar off and on since I was 15 years old. I was looking for a woman to whom I was attracted, who shared my values, and who was into music in a big way, and I found one. It took me a while to wrap my head around dating an older woman and a grandmother of young children at that (my children in college), but I kept thinking about what Evan writes about judging the relationship and not the person. I have never had a relationship with a woman that I physically desired that was this easy. Whether or not it will stay this way is to be determined.
By the way, my girlfriend is an executive at a large corporation; therefore, she is very successful. However, that never factored in my desire to be with her because she did not tell me until she was comfortable with the relationship. The reality is that men are not wired to be impressed by status. If anything, a woman having too much status can be turnoff for men because they know that status is important to women. Most of us just desire a woman to whom we are attracted who will not be a financial sink. We desire the things that we cannot obtain from our male friends from our partner.
henri says
You are still young. Older men have more to offer. Younger men are stil trying to find themselves. Consider yourself fortunate.
Laura says
I am 53 and can relate to the writer’s frustration, but also agree with all of Evan’s advise. I met my now fiance, 2 years younger, on-line last year on OKCupid.com, a free site, after having very limited success with Match.com (paid). Venture onto some other sites, be patient, do the work. It only takes one “right” guy to discover your profile and deem you his perfect match.
Katelyn says
I am part of the I find Match.com frustrating for someone my age, club. I am sixty one. I don’t look like I am in my sixties nor does my energy and mindset fit for that age group. I always have photos that are current. I just joined match again about 2 weeks ago and within that time I have been winked at 40 times, 6 of those from real people, I think, and the 36 from men who disappear in 3 days. I have received at least 10 emails from men saying contact me at blablabla.yahoo and they also disappear. I am pretty sure they are “fishing”.
Like the writer, I have emailed a number of men who don’t email back. Match has made it very easy to say “no thank you” and that doesn’t even happen. I also find them men are looking for women 10-15 or more years younger. I find it interesting that a lot of these men have pictures of themselves that are younger, some even post photos from High School.
I have tried the “what do I have to offer” approach and that didn’t stimulate interest either. I have a lot to offer by the way in terms of what I bring to a relationship.
I tried an experiment once and lowered my age to see what would happen and I did have more men viewing my profile and connected with a man who joined me for lunch. When he found out I had “lied” about my age he was furious! He didn’t care that I didn’t look my age, but was more focused on the fact that I was “untruthful” in his eyes.
I concur that I am at a disadvantage because of my age when it comes to online dating. It is as though once you reach 60 your in a category that no one explores unless they are well over 70 or a fake profile.
Debby says
i agree completely! Been there, done that. Older mean just need to understand that younger women want whats in their wallet, older women want whats in their pants (so to speak) Sorry if you find that crude, but it’s true. We aren’t dried up old prunes. Many of us take very good care of the body we have. I found that almost all of the men on Match.com are “players” and serial daters. I am so over it. Sad lesson learned.
john says
Debby, you are talking rot as far as I’m concerned. I’m 62 and let me tell you, I’ve had “nights” with women 20-30 years younger and they don’t even ask what I do for a job. Sure the long term prospects are not good with a much younger woman. But in my experience a lot of much younger women go for me. They say I’m a silver fox and handsome lol – Sorry, but as much as you’d like to believe it’s all about a cynical money grab, I have to tell you we older men, like some older women attract the opposite sex. Sadly, many people don’t attract the opposite sex. nature is cruel.
Teresa says
What can be frustrating is – Men die five years earlier than women and if the man was/are a smoker ten years earlier. Why would we want to marry someone that is sexually inactive or will leave us a widow for twenty years? What makes the most sense is for women to marry a man five years younger so that they die approximately the same time. It is pretty selfish to marry someone much younger and leave them a widow(er) for decades.
Miss Vicki says
Listen to Debby: she knows….she has it exactly right in all aspects. I would never pay a dating site again. It’s an extreme rarity to actually meet a decent and genuine man on one.
Jay says
I have the same observation. Andrew. For awhile I was amazed at women’s profiles with their shopping list of demands (“don’t contact me if…you must be blah blah blah….””with no statement of what they have to offer. Certainly a man can gather much about a woman from reading her profile, and women are often so inundated with replies from poor matches that they become exasperated and begin to set boundaries; yet for me this language implies an attitude of entitlement and self-absorption, and suggests perhaps an assumption that she is the more desired one in the deal. Perhaps women are used to being pursued. A more thoughtful mature woman will realize that relationships aren’t just about her and her needs. Clearly men can often behave the same way, just wanting sex. I believe the deeper truth is that most people just blunder unconsciously into relationships, compelled by their poorly understood desires, knowing neither themselves or what they want from a relationship.
Evelyn says
Its difficult to list what we have to offer without coming across as being arrogant or bragging. A well written profile should demonstrate those things without being obvious. I don’t have a laundry list of requirements, other than being a non-smoker and a few other things. If you don’t have a photo, forget it. If other requirements aren’t there, I just don’t respond. And men should still be the pursuers.
the-sphynx says
Katelyn–Any man who tries in the first email to rush you off a dating website to communicate privately by text and yahoo email is a scammer who knows his profile is likely to be deleted shortly. They often target older women (note the suspiciously wide requested age ranges) because they figure we’re more desperate and have more money. Don’t even waste your time trying to communicate with those. Flag and move on.
Michael says
I tried Match.com four years ago. I was 58. I’m a SWM, never married, retired early, and hoped to start dating. It was a huge waste of time. In an 8 month period I had 1400 women view me, I contacted 40, ten replied, and NONE would even meet for coffee. How many of these women get dating offers at this age anyway?
Online dating is overrated. Don’t depend on it too much. Women 50 plus complain a lot about men their age rejecting them. My experience was –they reject men their age very fast. I live in Houston, and the dating pool is pretty bad in general at every age. I will turn 62 soon, and I’ve concluded my dating days are finally over. I’m not looking for marriage, and most women my age are divorced or widowed. They usually have adult children also. It would be tough for me to blend easily into their lives. I’ve aged out of the dating market in America. Time to go overseas.
Evan Marc Katz says
Quitter gives dating advice, concludes “American women” are fatally flawed, vows to go for mail-order brides. Tell us more!
Mike says
Mr. Katz I don’t know why you’re calling me a quitter. I’m not giving dating advice. I’m reporting my experiences. Even when I was younger, 20–30s, I found dating very hard. I’m not looking for mail order brides. My brother married a girl from Thailand. They have two kids, she became a nurse here, and they’ve been married 15 years. He was over 40 when he married. I handled many divorce cases as a paralegal. Marriage is very risky in America today for men. Be careful of your judgment of others. You don’t know everything.
Evan Marc Katz says
You are right. Good luck with your choices.
Miss Vicki says
Overseas is not the answer. Just watch that overseas tv show and see the hideous problem with culture, duping, trickery,finance, etc. You can do it herein your neighborhood if you target what you like to do and do it, be friendly with who is there. Go to a church or class even though that sounds hokey; or go up to someone in the grocery store and ask a dumb question. Smile at everyone. Online is not the end all be all solution. Put in the time and action. Overseas sound like desperation to me and also possibly “settling”.
Ellen says
I am the perfect person to weigh in as 1) I am 59 and 2) I just spent 3 years dating online, on all the major sites. Dated primarily younger men, and sometimes much younger men (17, 22 years!), men from all over the US, every race except Asian, nearly every social class even. Like Misha, I noticed VERY few men had broad age ranges: Most stopped at dating anyone more than 2 years older.
And like Kathleen says (“What’s interesting is that younger guys ( early 40s) vs those my own age seem more interested.”) is true. I asked one why he was willing to pursue me and he said all the good women were married by their early 40s so his “pool” was limited. The problem with the 40+ guys is they will never commit to you, or very seldom (if you are older).
The funny thing is both me and my current bf ONLY dated younger for the most part when online dating. He said it was vanity on his part and I told him I did it ’cause I could (get away with it). But as I’ve stated numerous times on this blog, I also was only able to date younger (my usual preference except for my current same-age bf) cause I lied about my age. Shaved off quite a few years too girls! lol I was born in 1953, but would put 1960 or 1961 on my profile. What helped is I have a killer figure (thin, but curves, 36D) and pretty face thanks to years of intermittant plastic surgery (but nothing below the waist til recently (coolsculpting which I recommend). My plastic surgeon’s nurse says I project youthfulness and look, on a good day, in my 40s still. So, I’ve had a clear advantage. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, but I think it’s a combo of my personality, a kind of “God glow”/spirituality and looks. Men have always been attracted to me in person. Big time. Sometimes it was flattering and sometimes a problem frankly.
But I am NOT botoxed to death. Everything done with a very subtle hand and keep some “character” wrinkles on my forehand and lower face so as to look REAL. Just no sag, and filler only where I need it (Restylane!) girls…. I am also not obsessed with my appearance, just have the time, money and desire to tweak things when I can, but only every 3-4 years on average. Most of my health is due to the fact I’ve a good diet heavy on fruit and salds, have worn sunscreen since age 25 and been an athlete all my life. Tennis will give you a very firm bosom also I’ve found. Think of the serving action, but I digress.
Like Andrew proposes I also had a profile that clearly showcased my caring, intuitive, sweet side. My good nature, etc. I only threw in a few caveats about players and Bible thumpers (no to both). Otherwise it was almost sugary, my profile. But I also wasn’t shy about broadcasting the fact I was very educated and sophisticated and loved men who were similar. Didn’t make it a requirement though- just said “it would be nice if you were into ideas like me” Or words to that effect.
No, you just have to LIE, pure and simple. ‘Cause men are clueless, hypocritical girls…..They live in some fantasy world of their own making which advertising/Hollywood only exacerbates. Look at all the sitcoms which feature the smart, attractive wife but clueless, average-looking hubby. Uh, they married why?
But to return to this thread….On the third date I would usually disclose my age, but there were at least 2-3 men who only knew at the three-month mark or never really were told my true age ’cause I found them too status conscious.
I’ve decided if my bf and I break up (God FORBID as I am very in love with him) I won’t return to online dating but will give celibacy a shot. Dating after, say, 58 or 59 is NOT worth the effort imo. Maybe ’cause finally you are stuck with all these bitter, old, paranoid, hypocritical boomer men. I don’t know…. Am ok with my solitude now. Crave it actually (bf and I have a long distance relationship but only 72 miles). We are only apart about 4 nights before reunited though. And plan to live together at some point in the future. So my dating experience can be best summed up by the old standard “Just in Time”. Listen to the Streisand version circa 1965.
GADS says
Youre awesome!
Kristine says
Ellen is so silly, ridiculous actually. There’s only a bit I agree with in her
comments. Yes older men are paranoid and bad tempered etc
but she tells lies about her age. What is the point? Nothing
worked for her before. That guy she has long distance with
will be having her on as they do and he probably
isn’t even long distance, but keeping his distance ( a lot do that
they did to my sister). It wont last. She’s in love with a conman, probably a salesman or someone who travels with work and goes back to the
wife/girlfriend.
Also if you need plastic surgery you are not a natural beauty. I am
in my 60s and young people say I am nice looking however I am
married and was reading this for my sister. She will say pffffttt
same as me reading that comment. I think Ellen is going to be
very disappointed and celibacy as she says will be her reward.
My sister is older than me and hasn’t lied about her age and God
will reward her with a nice man as He has already with so much in her life.
SJZ says
Why does everybody say they look “younger” and have a “younger” mindset than their age? Maybe we should all be proud of being who we are at whatever age we are. Saying you are so much better than your stated age just shows the prejudice we all carry when it comes to age. I wonder if we will ever accept age as an asset instead of a liability. It would be so nice if we could write a profile saying we look our age. What is wrong with that?
Jordan S says
There are many things wrong with that. First off, things get worse with age not better. You get sicker. You get grouchy/bitchy. You are let interested in doing things out doors. You become less fun. You become depressed. You become set in your ways. You look less attractive as you get older. Fall of man.. sin nature etc.. we degrade. Why would you not want to look younger. That’s an asset.
Sheila says
Oh Jordan S!
Wow – I don’t know where you have been but that list of negatives you claim goes along with aging is very erroneous and misguided. IF a person does their job of taking good care of themselves most of those unattractive elements can be avoided most of the time. I could spell it out further but I think you are intelligent enough to know it.
I have worked with seniors for the last seven years. I myself am in that ‘category’ and when I work with those who have neglected their health and well-being and are my age, I feel for them. And there are those who are older and do the work: exercise, eat well, stay active, have hobbies and a social life and basically are thriving – and that makes me happy to see.
Ageism is a bias that is reinforced by the whole range of media, cultural standards of beauty and attractiveness, and those who ‘buy’ into it.
With age comes a rich breadth of experience and wisdom and often a better grasp on what’s really important in life and in relationships. Perspective!
But hey – those men who want younger women so they can feel young themselves or as arm candy don’t know what they are missing! What we bring to the table is worth looking beyond the numbers.
GADS says
great post Sheila. I am 53 and look about 45…really. I took great care of myself. Im a little overweight but I have tremendous energy, flexibility and grace. I take great care of myself. Men find me attractive. But I also understand these women’s frustrations.
Women get depressed because, in our culture, once our eggs are passed their “sell-by” date, we become invisible.
On the men’s defense, our culture is brutal on older men. They see them as past it, crotchety, fixed, unable to change. The image of the older man in our culture.
It also has to do with man’s emotional health and maturity. Ive met American men who are mature responsible and are comfortable enough in their skin that dating a woman their own age is preferrable. They dont have to convince themselves and others that they still “have it”. They also see women their age as vibrant and sexy and much more fun to be with.
I feel sorry for men who look at age as the only deciding factor. To me it shows they are not happy with where they are in their life.
Fromkin says
Reply to GADS about feeling invisible:
If you can wear something spandexy on the jogging trail, or you still wear a sundress, you’re not invisible to a 53-year-old guy. (If you can’t do that, that’s not directly age, is it?) If you choose to not scowl into the webcam for your okcupid profile pic – which a lot of women do! – you’ll be noticed.
Noticed by George Cloony? I think you need some sort of intricate plan then.
Kristine says
@SJZ yep everyone says that even if they are unfortunate in all respects ha.
A rare few are. A lot of creepy old men say that. I check a dating site
for my relative and the older men look anything up to 20 years older
than they are stating.
Kathleen says
Love the post by Ellen !!!!!
You can see her positive personality and confidence shine through. With that encouragement I shall continue to alter my age and for as long as Im on match shall be eternally 48 !!!
Suzanne says
Your letter rang all my bells!
Yes, the prospects are fewer when you get to your mid-fifties and sixties and it can seem impossible looking at so many prospects in your age range who by an overwhelming majority say they are seeking someone 15-20 plus years younger.
And you know what? I wasn’t ready for the 15-20 years older than me man when I was 35 and certainly not at 57. And although there are more younger women who seem to think that’s what they want, it rarely evolves into a life commitment. And often when it does, it either isn’t what they hoped for and doesn’t bear the fruits of happiness.
I knew what I wanted in companionship and sexuality and simply communicated that as honestly as I could. My fiance and I are the same age and share a similar life path of former long term unhappy marriage, children and grandchildren, values and experience of growing up and traveling through the same decades.
We are both in great shape for our age. He can’t believe he “ended up” with a woman my age…his age. He shopped for younger women because his perception of women his age from his former married circle, was that women in their 50’s were not interested in sex, didn’t maintain themselves, weren’t any fun, weren’t adventurous, etc. I.E. – would be like his former wife.
I can’t really blame him. That did describe an overwhelming majority of the middle aged, suburban women I had hung out with for the twenty plus years I was in the PTA and raising kids. But when my husband left me high and dry I had to recreate myself and make an effort to be fitter, and actually assume an active view of myself as a woman that wants to be attractive for myself and others.
Unfortunately, this really is an exception. I don’t know how to be more honest. Too many women in long term marriages or relationships for that matter, get too comfortable and stop looking at themselves or even they spouse as a person they need to make an effort to maintain. So many men that actually divorce in “middle age” are looking for a younger version – I can’t really blame them.
I divorced a man that over years stopped making an effort in our relationship and pretty much parked me with the kids, chores, duties, etc. even though I worked full time and maintained varied interests and hobbies. We forgot that it all started with “coupledom.” And paid the consequences.
Its been a bit of a bumpy ride in feeling that I had to compete with women younger who may place less demands on the man in their life because regardless of fitness, I can’t achieve the body and skin I had twenty years ago. I could o0nly be the best me I could be. But I have learned that being the best me not only worked with my fiance, but also on younger or older men.
I am happy knowing how hard I worked on the inner and outer me. And that is what ultimately attracts people to you. My fiance is always saying how he is fascinated how much women adore me and his male friends lust for me. Its a very gracious compliment, but I think it means that I learned to love myself, accept my shortcomings and graces, and appreciate every one for who they are without pretext.
You sound like a terrific woman, just keep on doing what you are doing. Your positive attributes will attract someone that will celebrate who you are and feel like the luckiest man on earth!
Misha says
To Ellen in #8… wow.
Most of us don’t have the means to do plastic surgery. I have an even harder time coming up w/ cashola to kill some spider veins. The fact that you are and were probably more attractive than the “regular butterflies” and managed to keep your figure etc doesn’t bode well for anyone who has actually aged, has some mileage, and can’t afford a new paint job.
It’s rather tragic that a large portion of society paints “older” women into this corner. I don’t know, eating healthy being a healthy weight (ie, not fat, not obese, not morbidly obese) project vim/vigor ie youth are something most of us can do but it’s a LOT of work.
It does make me wonder if the premise of The Beauty Myth is true, as women gain societal power there is more/extreme pressure to be flawless, beautiful eye candy and that is a women’s only worth to a large segment of clueless, not bringing it themselves to the table men. hmmmm.
Then again… maybe since you are vested in your appearance… you may attracting what you are projecting. Seems you’ve had a great ride so I’m not criticizing.
PS i will totally get a neck lift one day and hopefully it will take my boobs with it. 😉
johnboy says
Nothing I hate worse is a fake plastic women, they make me sick to my stomach.
Ana Ng says
The rudeness is unnecessary. You are prolonging a bad image for your gender. Anonymity is no reason to be mean.
Kristine says
I can understand that Johnboy. It looks horrible and eventually
would slip and a woman would have to fork out more and look
like a monster.
GADS says
wonderful Suzanne! just wonderful! Congrats on your new life!
ML says
what you don’t know can’t hurt you…
a huge number of celebrities had at least some work done
GADS says
lol
Hilarious comment Misha.
i think you are very invightful about women gaining power.
as women gain power, men lose power of them. So they seek women they feel comfortable with. A younger woman doesnt intimidate them and they think it makes them look and feel younger and more valuable. Sad
I feel bad for most men. Society is just as brutal on them as it is on us.
we spend so much time pointing fingers at each other, we dont see that all these expectations we put on a potential mate is just a deflection of our own unhappiness of ourselves or our lives.
Only solution? Stop all the nonsense. BOTH SEXES. Stop listening to society’s nasty critical voice which preys on our insecurities. Give it the finger and enjoy each other with all your imperfections. We should be older and wiser now. At this stage we cant afford the time for games or giving our power to someone else.
Were too busy running the world and fixing it.
Buck25 says
“I feel bad for most men. Society is as brutal on them as it is on us.”
GADS,
Thanks for having a little empathy for us guys; I’ve found that a commodity in short supply on this blog. Witness the following:
from Ellen: “..stuck with all these bitter, old, paranoid, hypocritical boomer men.”
There’s plenty more here, as I discovered when I first came here over two years ago; in fact, compared to some of what I read about my generation of men (baby boomers) here, that one is absolutely mild and benign. I’ve read far more hateful invective on this blog, couched in rhetoric calculated to be as offensive, inflammatory, hurtful, degrading and emasculating as possible, aimed at ALL (a frequent assertion) men in my age group. The authors of this kettle of hater-aide? Just the young thirty and forty-something women fed up with the advances of “creepy old men”? Nope; the women of my own generation, for the most part, occasionally egged on by young men like Nathan, who seems to think his generation invented concepts like introspection, self-awareness, and personal growth, along with pretty much everything else (see his self-serving, patronizing little discourse on “old Boomer men” below). Note how he follows up with this little gem, “The age and photo driven nature of online dating makes it harder for Boomer women to shine, regardless of what they do.” Of course, the unspoken assertion is that Boomer men have no such difficulty, and if they do, they deserve it. I beg to differ. The ones of us who will actually date women in our own age group, are automatically rejected online (without even a profile view) by most of the same women, who now feel entitled to men from 15 years younger to no more than 2 years older than themselves (or so say their online profiles). Let a man express interest in any woman younger than himself, and he’s immediately labeled a creep, a pervert and a dirty old man; yet women like Ellen come here, can’t resist bragging about dating men “17 to 22 years younger than me” and the chorus of applause from the distaff side is deafening. Pot, meet kettle!
So I do find your attitude refreshing, along with your idea that maybe us older men and women might show a little more consideration and a little less hate for one another; here, on dating sites, and in real life as well. In your words: “Stop all the nonsense. BOTH SEXES.Stop listening to society’s nasty, critical voice which preys on our insecurities.” I’ll gladly co-sign on that one!
GADS says
I dont blame anybody. These women have been hurt by men who are very much in pain themselves.
Fiona says
I don’t think anyone is too old for online dating as such. In my late thirties I am having many of the issues that people in their 50s are complaining about when it comes to men my age. However, the younger women I have been speaking to don’t seem to be finding it too easy to find a partner that way either. The conclusion I have come to is that finding a partner is hard work, whatever age you are, and you have to be prepared for a lot of disappointment along the way.
Daphne says
Not a good idea to lie about your age in your profile. I never answer an email or write to / favorite anyone if they say in their profile that they’ve changed their age to get more attention.
Katelyn says
I think the comment I made above is the first time I have commented on Evan’s blog. My son is a regular participant in this blog and suggested I come on and comment on this post because he and I often have conversations about online dating and dating in general, and he thought I might be able to add to the conversation.
I believe in being authentic and that is the kind of man I am looking for, so I am honest in my profile. I am not going to say I look my age when I don’t nor do I want to have to lie about my age to have someone connect to me. If I can’t attract men on line by being myself, I don’t think online dating is for me.
I wonder what Evan thinks about people shaving a number of years off their age?
JB says
Well being that this discussion is close to my age range. I will admit that at 51 even I still put my age as 3 yrs younger on Match(as I have for years) So I’m “48” and look it…what ever THAT means. It means when you get to be OUR age what your drivers license says is meaningless. You look as old as people “think” you look. Meaning you could be 53 and look 45 and vice versa. Yes, women in their mid 40’s don’t like men over 50 either…lol go figure. Never the less………my age range for women in my profile says 43-54 and for the most part those ARE the women I email and meet. I think I get rejected equally by both older and younger women. I did meet a 53 yr.old woman last week that looked quite a bit older and more “gaunt” than her 7 current profile pics and that was that. I met a 40 yr old woman who wasn’t as attractive as some 48 yr olds I’ve met etc….. Like I told a date last night. Men in our age range don’t care so much how old you actually ARE as much as how old you actually LOOK. So if you actually do look younger than you are (and I know some that DO!) than shaving 2-4 yrs off isn’t a big deal but trying 7-10 is ridiculous…..lol
Peter says
Internet profiles are incomplete skeletons of a person that emphasize quantification over qualification. And such an illusion of infinite choice. Yet once over the age of 25 all these people (us) are the detritus who could not form relationships or failed to make them work. Beware, the more attractive the profile, the greater the derangement for even the best have been cast away.
Paula says
When I was about 28 – 35 I wouldn’t have looked at a guy over 45 – it would have been like going out with my father … And over 60, I wouldn’t even consider them … grandad material and they are really creepy! Ewwww!
Let these deluded guys keep trying to date young girls, mostly it won’t work unless a girl is looking for a daddy substitute, gold digging or whatever other reason she has. It’s their problem not yours.
I see so many men’s profiles on online dating sites who state ‘I look much younger than my age’ only to finally meet them and guess what … no they don’t.
It’s not easy to find a great partner at any age and you do have to keep trying, dont give up althought it can be very tiring and at times demoralising.
I have recently joined a social group and I’m going to sign up for some courses at college that interest me. The social group is great and I get to go out and do things with like minded people who just want to live their lives and get out and do some fun things.
Instead of trying to chase eternal youth and unavailable men/women online, it’s much more satisfying and empowering to be yourself and engage in doing things that really interest you and give you satisfaction.
Make online dating a part of your life and be more selective about who you contact or who contacts you. That ordinary looking man/woman online may just be a great person when you meet them. I tend to avoid the profile pictures of the show ponies these days, after meeting some of them for a coffee, I have walked away trying not to laugh on my way out. Talk about overestimating their so called attractiveness!
Just be yourself, crinkles, wrinkles, crows feet and all. Good looks may catch the eye but if that’s all you’ve got, you don’t have much.
Kristine says
spot on comment Paula
GADS says
Yup!
CEG says
Don’t give up and I would personally not lie about my age. I met my partner on match.com and am very happy. I just turned 57 and he will turn 55 soon. It is true that there are men I corresponded with who looked like Santa Claus to me but wanted to continue to date much younger women. However, I found a number of quality men who wanted to date women their age. One of the problems I saw is that the men are overwhelmed by their number of daily matches (18 per day) vs my typical number (6). If I found someone of interest, I read their profile carefully and e-mailed them a short complimentary note and asked them a question or two. In this way, I was able to catch their attention. Many ignored me but quite a few responded and after a few e-mails we would often meet for coffee or drinks. Another problem is that many men don’t know how to present themselves well. Two of the most generous / interesting men I dated posted only one photo – and not a good one at that! I am sure many women overlooked them for that reason but they wrote well and I decided to e-mail them anyway. I love match.com because I never would have crossed paths with any of these men. I wish everyone well in their search.
nathan says
Katelyn, the commenter above, is my mother. She has been doing online dating for at least as long as I have, probably longer. Which means a good decade now. I’ve seen her try everything under the sun with paid sites, and a few free sites I introduced her to with no success. Furthermore, she’s spent much of her adult life doing the kind of self growth work that tends to attract a healthy partner. And I know she’s not alone. I have met many Boomer women like her, with similar mixed or very poor experiences with online dating.
I tend to think that Boomer women are at a greater disadvantage than the rest of us for this reason: the majority of Boomer men are still living in the past. By that, I mean that while Boomer women spurred on the social changes of the 1960s and 70s, and have generally tried to live more well rounded lives since, Boomer men are often content to finish out their work lives and then sit in front of a TV, mow the lawn, or hang with their golf buddies on the course until their days are up. I can’t tell you how many hundreds or even thousands of Boomer men profiles I’ve looked at with my mother and two other Boomer friends of mine over the years read like this. Beyond those men, there are another set who are more active and interesting, but who treat dating and relationships today the same way they did 30 or 40 years ago. And I’m not talking about being “traditional” in the way some women on this blog like; I’m talking about being emotionally clueless, patronizing to their dates solely because they are women, and thinking things like giving a swat on the ass on a first date are still acceptable and even welcomed.
I don’t think online dating is a hopeless affair for anyone, but I do think that we need to be more honest about real barriers that different groups face. If Evan’s business targeted older, successful men (read Boomers and early Gen X guys), I doubt he’d be in business at all. Not because they don’t need help – many of them desperately could use some pointers. They just aren’t interested. They’re generally operating under the notion that they know what to do, and failures are pinned on women who “want too much” or “don’t get them.” PUA and Game, which seems to be the most popular form of dating advice for men, tends to attract a Gen X and under crowd. Somehow, I doubt you’d find a ton of 50 and 60 something men sitting behind a Neil Strauss book, or trolling a PUA discussion board. I have plenty of reservations about PUA and Game, but the fact that younger men are seeking advice shows that they realize they need to take a good look at themselves, and do something different. Boomer men aren’t as likely to display this kind of self reflection because they grew up in a world that didn’t expect it, and in fact often discouraged it and so those Boomer men who do have it either went against the grain, or suffered for decades before finally waking up at 55 or 60 – usually following some major health episode.
So, I think the options for many Boomer women are just fewer. The suggestion by a commenter above to try Senior dating sites might be useful, but in general, I think the age and photo driven nature of online dating makes it harder for Boomer women to shine – regardless of what they do. Whatever Sara chooses to do, my only advice is to not take the online world’s response personally. None of us should, but I think it’s especially true for Boomer women, given the hurdles they face.
SE Coastal Breeze says
VERY well stated . . .and right on the mark! Thank you!
Jeanne says
Although I don’t believe in fibbing, I found Ellen’s post so refreshing!
Andrew (Post #2) or any guy, what types of things do you look for in a woman’s profile that show she is offering something instead of making a list of demands?
Christine says
I empathize with the frustration women have experienced with online dating. I’m 33 and feel like I’m too old for it and have aged out of the system too, after seeing almost all of the men I want overlook me for women in their 20s on these sites (and no, I don’t just hold out for 10s–even the 7s and 8s will go for the 20-somethings as well). I have occasionally considered giving up online dating when I turn 34, since I’ve heard what a nightmare it is for women in the mid-30s (and have seen for myself how the interest is declining with each passing year). However, I might keep at it–but just not take it so personally. Sara has the right idea to “diversify the portfolio” so to speak, with real life encounters. I’ve had relatively more success in real life (and sometimes gotten attention from very good-looking men who I assumed were out of my league and would probably have ignored me on dating sites. But in real life social events, they have approached me because they said how they liked that I was dancing and having fun–which is difficult to capture in a still photo and a few paragraphs).
I concur with Nathan that, unfortunately, online dating prospects are not all equal and older women will have fewer options. But so what? You can’t base your whole sense of self-esteem and self-worth on what some strangers think of your photo. I am realistic enough to know that for the vast majority of men in the online dating world, a 33 year old Asian woman is at the bottom of the desirability scale and in their eyes, I have less cache than a pretty 20-something. However, those overall statistics and group patterns don’t bother me as much as it used to. I don’t want or need to date all of society, but only want and need ONE person to spend my life with. So I motivate myself by saying that like a job, it only takes one. I’d say, just keep at it and don’t close off any medium, but just don’t take it personally at all.
Ruby says
Nathan #20
Wow, I’m impressed, you’ve nailed it. I’d like to add that many of these older men that my friends and I have encountered have psychological issues that make dating them difficult. Not being over their exes – which many of them are not – is often the least of their troubles. My friends and I have encountered alcoholics, anxiety disorders, depressives, intense commitmentphobia, bipolars, anger issues etc. I’m not saying that women don’t suffer from these problems, but we are much more likely to admit it when we do need help, and to confide in our friends and seek therapy.
Katelyn says
You are right Ruby, Nathan did nail it!
Many women in their 50’s and 60’s have spent years on personal development, following the advice that if you become what it is you want to attract in a partner you will find that. Women needed to do this work as part of the evolutionary process. Unfortunately men weren’t doing the same thing. I have spent almost 30 years evolving and becoming conscious, much of that alone, which I felt was necessary for me. Now when I am looking for a partner I want someone who has done the same. Someone who I can talk to that speaks my language, someone one who can connect on a spiritual, emotional and intellectual level. I don’t need a partner that connects with me out of some unfulfilled need/wound.
From my personal experience and 26 years of experience as a psychologist I don’t find that many men in their 60’s have done any self exploration, unless like Nathan said it comes as the result of a health crisis.
I am not content to watch the grass grow, watch TV, or be a couch potato nor am I impressed by 60 year old men holding up fish in their dating profile photos, sorry! If you are trying to attract women, fish isn’t going to do it, men.
I am looking for depth in my relationships.
Because of this I find that I am attracted to younger (10 years or so) men because they are more likely to have been doing the personal development and studying consciousness, metaphysics, quantum physics and such, which are some of the things I am interested in.
With on line dating being one of the most popular forms of meeting people because of it’s accessibility many of us opt in. Unfortunately if you think about it, it is very superficial. People decide who someone is based on a few photos and paragraphs often based on looks and age. It doesn’t get more superficial. We are removed from each other just by the nature of the internet and there is no way to pick up the energy/chemistry you find in meeting in person. How can anyone make an informed decision about who they are looking at, and how often might we overlook a special person because we make a decision based on a photo.
Clare says
I am not anywhere close to 54, but I do know that how other people feel about us and perceive us has a lot, if not everything, to do with how we perceive and feel about ourselves, which I know must be so hard when you are not getting enough positive feedback.
And yet, having faith and believing in your own wonderfulness, *despite* what is going on around you, is the only way to success. As I read in another blog, yes men can be shallow and fickle, and discriminate unfairly on age – these are NOT the right guys for you. Don’t waste your precious energy worrying about them, even if they are in the majority.
I have been recently amazed at how the beliefs I had about myself and how my life was inevitably going to be were holding me back. I have recently committed to having a “the sky’s the limit” approach to all my thinking, and I’ve already seen wonderful improvements, and I just FEEL so much better.
Oh, and Evan… fantastic newsletter today! Just what I needed to read to give me that extra boost. And congratulations on the birth of your little boy 🙂
Andrew says
@Jeanne:
An online friend put this in her profile:
Top 10 reason’s I’ll be your best girlfriend ever:
10 — You can have poker night without complaint (I might want to play sometimes)
9 — You can count on me to trust you without that you wouldn’t be calling me your awesome girlfriend in the first place
8 — You will feel like a knight in shining armor from time to time
7 — You won’t ever wonder if I am judging you
6 — You’ll come to learn I know the difference between sexy, sassy, classy, cute, and hot — not to mention when to be which one
5 — You experience random acts of kindness towards others including you
4 — You’ll be surprised that I can make you think and about more than whether or not my shoes look good with my outfit, or if my butt looks fat.
3 — You’ll hear me celebrating more than complaining, see me smiling more than frowning, and dancing/singing more than sitting silently.
2 — You can expect if I ask you to shop with me it’s only because I’m buying something you know better than me or would want to see
1 — You bet I know how to cure a headache
It’s brilliant. As men are rational and logical creatures regarding dating, a woman should specifically state what she offers in terms of what a man actually wants. A list is not the stuff of romance unicorns and rainbows. But a woman must consider her audience. Logic and reason are masculine qualities and a woman must communicate to such an audience with her profile.
Bottom line: The feminine attracts the masculine.
shirly chwalowski says
This is a great list and I will be using it as well. I am 60 but look and feel younger. I have three kids still in which live with me. We adopted them at birth. So it will be a little harder to get a man who loves kids, but not impossible. The kids are gone doing things with their friends 90 per cent of the time. I have a lot of free time to find someone special so I don’t have to sit home alone. But this is a brillant list. Thanks so much for your help. Shirly
Sassy says
I used a modified version of this, and it worked rather quickly. I guess the idea is that you also have to maintain mystery — as what one would get, when one meets in person. Say enough to whet the appetite, but not enough to take you out of the game. Having said that, I would much rather meet someone in person.
Katelyn says
I totally agree with you Clare, there is someone out there for everyone and we can’t base our value on the feedback or lack of feedback we get, especially on line. It has nothing to do with us or our worth if someone doesn’t respond to our attempts to connect.
I know there is a fabulous partner for me, just like there is for everyone else, and I am not willing to settle. The more we embrace our fabulousness the more likely we are to attract a fabulous partner. It doesn’t matter how old you are, just be real and authentic and that is what you will find coming into your life.
I personally think it is less likely on line than it is through personal encounters.
JB says
@Katelyn “People decide who someone is based on a few photos and paragraphs often based on looks and age”
You forgot the real things men get disqualified for. Height, education, income, and of course job title which women rarely if ever get disqualified by men for….lol Just sayin..
I find it hilarious that the 30 somethings above me think that they’re too old for online dating just because the “best” guys their own age ignore them…..lol what they don’t tell you is about the guys that DO email them that THEY ignore for any one of the reasons I’ve outlined above. I hear this from women all the time “you should see the guys that email me” and they roll their eyes. What they don’t understand is I’m THAT guy to the 90% of women that ignore ME!!
All I can say to the women above is try being an average guy online for a few weeks and see how much fun that ISN’T.
Joe says
As far as shaving a few years off your age, think: how would you be disposed towards a man after meeting him and discovering he’d added a few inches to his height online but hadn’t mentioned this in his profile text?
@ nathan #20: If PUA/Game theory didn’t work on women better than the “traditional” ways of wooing them, would guys use Game? Would you say the typical guy using those methods is really looking for commitment, or just some action? I guess what I’m trying to ask is this: younger men may feel the need to get advice, but…women say they don’t want guys who are PUAs, yet the PUA advice does seem to work on them. Is it therefore beneficial to women for these guys to be getting PUA advice?
Michelle says
I think Nathan is right on, thanks for your comments and pointing out the ‘problem’ isn’t on line dating, it’s men in this age range in general. I’ve stopped on line dating, and I just got done dating a man who I met in real life and turned 60 (I’m 48). I asked him two different times what he thought his role was in the demise of his marriage–he couldn’t answer either time, he turned it around to his wife and her issues. Perfect example, no self reflection over the past 10+ years of being divorced. (BTW, emotionally clueless as well).
I’m confident there are men out there that have done some reflection at the very least, and are ‘normal’ enough to sustain a satisfying relationship.
Sparkling Emerald says
If a guy I was dating asked me such questions about my divorce I would next him. I want to leave my past in the past, and create a wonderful today and a future. I can’t very well do that if the guy I date wants to drag me back to the past.
Believe me, I have done a lot of reflecting on my marriage and my whole love life/dating life, but that is nothing I particularly want to share with whomever I’m dating, and I wouldn’t ask such questions of them.
Every pairing is unique and different. What went wrong between them and a past signifigant other has NOTHING to do with whatever potentional pairing could be happening now. One coach at a match making service told us don’t EVER tell a man your sad divorce story, no matter how much he prys. They WILL judge you for it. At my age (58) there is NO relationship history that can’t be looked at with a cynical jaded view. Never married ? Couldn’t make the commitment. Divorced ? Couldn’t keep the commitment. Divorced due to the spouse having an affair ? You must have neglected your spouse, or drove them to an affair. Divorced due to YOU having an affair ? You bitch. Widowed ? She will idealize her deceased spouse, and I will be forever competing with a ghost.
This is why I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy about relationship history. Whatever comes up organically, fine. I expect to know about any children from prior unions. There will be instances where the existence of an ex spouse will have to come up in the conversation.
But if a date grilled me about my divorce and wanted to know what I did wrong, I would next them.
Your question comes off as taking their painful experience and pointing the finger of blame at them.
Mark says
I put my age range is 35-55.
Of course my pics suck so I’m not getting much traffic. 🙁
But I’ve gotten many compliments on my profile.
I find that the women in my age range know what they’re looking for and have their shit together.
That’s a turn on.
Evelyn says
May I ask why you are using pictures that suck?
Mark says
P.S. Ladies – I’m 51 and have done MUCH self reflection after ea. relationship/marriage. (Been there 2x).
I’m always trying to figure out what she did wrong!
haha just kidding. What I did to contribute to the failure of the relationship.
I’m learning and always trying to improve myself because that way not only will my future partner be happier, I’ll be happier too.
Karen says
This is good to hear I am sure we all live and learn regardless of our gender. Once we take responsibility for our part in the past we can move on to the new! It is important not to make any gender the enemy we are all doing the best we can at the time . We need compassion for ourselves and others.ðŸ€ðŸ‘I feel hopeful as I feel better and forgive and accept the past that I can attract the type of man I want to spend time with. I am 56 and a lot wiser now and happier with who I am. I am embracing a new life and I intend to be with a lovely man who can have fun and also be emotionally and physically available to each other.
Julia says
@JB as one of the young women on here-you are right that 90% of the guys are like you. You stated above that you are 53 but lie and say your are 48…then you email girls like me, early 30s and expect a response. My dad is 54, do you think dating a man your age is appropriate for a young woman like me?
Ted W` says
Are you saying you wouldn’t date George Cloony?
It’s funny to watch women suddenly eager to date older men when the guy is rich and famous.
Michael says
You’re right Ted. Tom Leykis says women are attracted by three things–money, power, and fame. If you’re rock star or movie star–you have no problem attracting the best of the litter. A pro athlete does even better.
Everyone needs to read these books: Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb,
Save the Males by Kathleen Parker, and Men on Strike. Ageism affects dating so much today as does looks. If you’re not physically attractive, you’re on the outs.
Ruby says
Joe #29
“As far as shaving a few years off your age, think: how would you be disposed towards a man after meeting him and discovering he’d added a few inches to his height online but hadn’t mentioned this in his profile text?”
Shaving a few years off one’s age doesn’t alter one’s appearance. Of course, people should always use recent photos in their profiles, although many don’t.
And isn’t the PU/Game theory targeted to work on younger, less experienced women?
Kathleen says
Joe
I don’t think its a big deal shaving off a few years. I spend a couple of hours a week canoeing, as well as a couple of hours each in yoga and spinning classes a week because its fun and feels good..
Im in better shape than 90% of the guys Ive met, who were looking for younger women by 10-20 years. None of these guys have complained about my age when Ive disclosed it.
Most all guys I personally know are online saying they are 10 years younger to try to get younger women. Since I know many guys add to their height I make sure I emphasize up front that Im 6 feet in heels
Like Ellen Im going to do what I can reasonably get away with and do whats effective. I’m going to flaunt what I still have since I don’t thing most of these guys are having that much luck with their “ideal wish list”
Ellen says
Michelle @30: totally agree. Men would rather watch college football week after week than spend even 10 minutes reflecting upon the demise of their marriages. lol
Nathan is SPOT ON about boomer men, though I’ve met a few who were mature emotionally, reflective. A few who were respectful and not obviously old school or condescending. However, Andrew!, I totally disagree with: “Logic and reason are masculine qualities and a woman must communicate to such an audience with her profile.” I’ve met PLENTY of illogical men, plenty.
I want to add that I agree with a poster who said women in this society are expected to be merely eye candy often, even though we supposedly won some kind of sexual revolution in the ’60s and ’70s (which the Republican Party is trying to derail as we speak). It sickens me how this dated bu*lsh*t hangs on. I mainly want to grab young women who dress like hookers and ask them why they feel the need to do this.
I also know about Naomi Wolf and have been meaning to read her. Despite my obvious femininity I guess, I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist.
Also, just because I lied about my age doesn’t mean I am a bad person or prone to dishonesty. I would rate myself as fairly scrupulously honest given my spiritual beliefs which come closest to Buddhism I guess. I just saw the handwriting on the wall early…..
But I have become so “conditioned” about how men view age that even six months into my current relationship I would remain mum on any physical complaints. To be honest, I never had many aches and pains much til I turned 59 last February. Since then I’ve had a bout with arthritis in my left thumb and a recurrence of some spinal issues which seem to have abated. For a while this summer I moved like an old woman often and that has humbled me quite a bit folks. So while I look nice, believe me, on the structural level anyway I am completely 59! lol
But like sexism, I think we need, as a society, to rethink age. Clearly some people, whether its a combo of genes, diet, or outlook, are aging at a slower rate than others. Cell telemeres are key also (cell division)….Also, sometimes a person’s psychic energy is just incredible and they run around like a young adult 24/7. They have true joie de vivre.
Finally, if you go this route- plastic surgery and diet and the gym- know that even that is not enough and you need to explore bioidentical hormones at some point (both me and my current bf use them, get our blood tested, etc.). The number of men using supplemental testosterone has exploded and saavy women (imo) are exploring bioidentical hormones (NOT Prempro and that horse cra*) AND testosterone as a way to slow aging. Not all women can take supplemental estrogen though…..But that’s another topic for another day.
nathan says
“Would you say the typical guy using those methods is really looking for commitment, or just some action? I guess what I’m trying to ask is this: younger men may feel the need to get advice, but…women say they don’t want guys who are PUAs, yet the PUA advice does seem to work on them. ”
Joe, from what I have seen, PUA seems to attract a variety of men. Some are clearly interested in just sex. Some don’t know what they want. While others genuinely want a relationship, and use PUA, Game, and similar approaches primarily to increase their confidence.
As for this discordance between women saying they dislike PUA, and yet it actually working – I don’t know. How much of the “working” is about being a man who is confident in himself, and how much of it is the actual tactics and approaches?
Karmic Equation says
@Nathan
I’m not a man, but I can say that the confidence and the PUA tactics and approaches have to be complementary to the man.
I’ve had a 29 yo brazenly lie about his wealth and skilz to try to pick me up. But I don’t think he took any PUA classes. LOL. He didn’t succeed.
My current reformed-playah bf, I’d say, he possibly could have taken classes or maybe read up on some PUA tactics. He used lines and tactics that work for his looks and style. And he played me in stages and I let him chase me until I caught him 😉
Anyway, I think it’s ok for men to use whatever tactics they need to approach and attract women. It’s no different than a woman dressing super sexy or wearing nice perfume to attract men. Looks and smell attract men. Words and actions attract women. Level playing field, imo.
Michelle says
@Mark, see, there is hope!! And you’re a Boomer 🙂
Karmic Equation says
@Ellen
Loved your post #8. Go get ’em girl!
Maybe a few disagreements with your post #36.
“I mainly want to grab young women who dress like hookers and ask them why they feel the need to do this.”
I think this is showing your age, Ellen. LOL… Dressy hot is actually a good thing. GOOD MEN as well as bad men are attracted to hot women. If you dress like a wall flower, you may limit your pool of men to “filter” from. Read this. I really think it’s on the money. Now if the girls are ACTING like hookers as well as dressing like them, well, they hurt no one but themselves as they’re self-limiting their LTR-ness in good men’s eyes. The playahs and jerks will still be after them, but the good men will probably stay away (there was a blog post about this, but I can’t remember where I read it).
“Despite my obvious femininity I guess, I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist.”
Because you believe in female power, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a feminist. Do you get insulted when a man holds the door open for you? Do you insist on paying on dates? I used to think I was a feminist until I realized I like men holding doors for me and treating me like a woman. I’m far from fragile or needing a daddy-figure, but I love the *good intentions* behind chivalry. If you love chivalry, you’re not a feminist, just a woman who believes in the power of being a woman.
Just promise me one thing, don’t be the 63 yo who tries to pick up 30 yo’s. A 63 yo woman (killer bod for her age, but her face showed her age, due to smoking) — tried to pick up my bf. She was a catch for the 55+ and over, maybe even 50+, but trying to pick up someone 30 years her junior was, how can I say, sad and icky to observe. No dignity in that.
Keep on keeping on!
JB says
@Julia #33 Show me where I said I email anyone under my age range of 43-54? I don’t and never do. I had a couple of dates with a 40 yr.old and SHE winked at me first. I don’t email 35 yr.olds and I certainly wouldn’t expect a response. I’ve been on this blog for years….lol 🙂
I don’t and never have emailed any women as young as you or young enough to be my daughter. I’m smarter than that and I’m not interested in them. My ex girlfriend was 3 yrs older than me btw. I want a woman in my range 43-54 and I don’t think that’s crazy. Preferably old enough to have kids that don’t need baby sitters!!!
Kathleen says
Karmic Equation
Im not sure what your age is but the word “Feminism” is misunderstood by women who don’t remember times when women had fewer rights If you read the history of feminism it had nothing to do with women objecting to having doors opened by men. I remember jobs being advertised as for men only and my mother couldn’t get those jobs Even today women earn less for the same job.
I didn’t catch the reference that Ellen made against women looking hot and attractive. I think you may have misunderstood that
Ellen another GREAT post Love it!!!
Still-Looking says
Julia @ 33 –
I’m a 50 year old man and met a wonderful 32 y.o. lady this past weekend. I didn’t hit on her – she approached me and we had a wonderful evening and met again two days later. Yes I am old enough to be her father but that obviously didn’t bother her.
I think some women do find older men “icky” just as I’m sure some men find it distasteful to be approached by women 20-30 years older than them.
I date a very wide range of women and I find age to be just another factor. I’m not nearly as concerned with a woman’s biological age as much as I’m concerned about whether our personalities mesh. I certainly haven’t conducted any scientific studies on the issue but do find, generally speaking, that women 10 -15 years younger are much more fun, carefree, less critical, and less inclined to be pushing for a committed relationship after one or two dates.
Tom10 says
I find the debate correlating one’s dating age with one’s self-esteem fascinating.
Christine 22
“I’m 33 and feel like I’m too old for it…after seeing almost all of the men I want overlook me for women in their 20s”
This reminds me of when I was about 14 to 19 years old. Like many (most?) young men I really struggled with women to the point of desperation, even depression. I was constantly perplexed as to the calibre of men my contemporaries chased, whilst considering nice, quiet boys (like me) as just friends. Now that I’m 29 young women approach me all the time, much to the chagrin of their male counterparts I’m sure. In retrospect I realise it was not the fault of these girls, it’s just, well, the way it is.
The same applies to these men — it’s not really their fault why they want what they want; it’s just life.
Joe, Nathan and Karmic re PUA
“How much of the “working” is about being a man who is confident in himself, and how much of it is the actual tactics and approaches?
It is obviously impossible to quantify how effectual “game theory” is, as each practitioner is inherently different with varied characteristics so we have no way to isolate the variables. However, I agree with Joe as I (without meaning to sound crass) can personally vouch for the effectiveness of ‘tactics’. As someone who always craved lots of sex, I had to learn the skills (independent of Strauss) to get some, much like one learns Italian or the guitar, i.e. through rigorous analysis and careful practice. The trick is to imply a sense of connection and consequently allow a woman make her own set of inferences; i.e. women create the illusion of a great guy themselves! Maybe the guy is great, but he’s generally just after one thing. A poor PUA will lie or brag, as lies can easily be caught out and bragging is uncouth.
For some reason (game), women always assume I’m innocent, deep and contemplative, whereas I’m actually shallow and fickle, and I know exactly what I’m doing.
Ellen
“Despite my obvious femininity…I consider myself a feminist and have told several dates that I AM a feminist”
That’s perfectly ok; I consider myself a feminist too as I fully support the advocacy of women’s rights in relation to equality with men.
ML says
“For some reason (game), women always assume I’m innocent, deep and contemplative, whereas I’m actually shallow and fickle, and I know exactly what I’m doing.”
Wow, another Vicomte de Valmont!
Nicole says
@SJZ, you could make a drinking game out of the number of people who think they look 10 years younger than their age but think all of their peers are old farts. Maybe all of these 50 somethings who think they pass for 35 should start their own dating website.
Nothing can really mimic youth, esp. not next to actual youth. I go to fitness class with loads of people who have a couple of decades on me, and who can literally run circles around me, but they do NOT look the same age or younger than me. I think that whole “I look X” only works when people who arent’ that age aren’t around, or it’s just insincere flattery given to you by people who are your friends who want to butter you up as they hit on you.
I think I look my age. If you are my age and don’t look the same as me, I don’t think it is proof of anything except that we aren’t the same person.
And it’s kind of a bullwhip effect really, b/c if 45 years olds claim to look 35, then they’ll say the 35 year olds don’t look their age either, or else they have to admit that they are a bit deluded.
K says
@nicole I was thinking the same thing. Every single person on here (or really any blog) thinks they look good for their age or younger. Coincidence? Are all the people who look their age or old for their age silent? Most people think they look above average which isn’t possible. I think if you look great for 50 then blow all the other average 50 year olds out of the water, rather than change your age to 40 (and compete with 40 year olds who apparently look 30). People always say I look 10 years younger, even women who are 10 years younger. But like you said, when I was that age peoole thought I was even much younger. I think when I was younger I thought 30 year olds and 60 year olds looked old. As time goes by you realize those ages are not old. If one more person post how they look wat younger I will lose it (or get a chuckle). You likely choose to compare yourself to people who don’t look good for their age or your idea of 40/50/6 was from another generation when people weren’t as active.
Mia says
As cynical as I can get about dating,I am absolutely amazed at the cynicism so many women here are displaying about age. If you’re attractive no one gives a shit. if you’re average, or pudgy, it doesn’t matter if you’re 23. And given how many old or weird or unattractive people I see out there every day with a guy, none of those things will stop you from finding love. Young pretty girls have it rougher bc guys are more likely to see us as objects or string us along. Who is going to string along some old lady? A fifty some woman will get less dates but those who do ask her out will actually do so because they want to be with her, as she has no superficial qualities to distract.
Nicole says
@K, so true. I think that the WORST judges of age are people who aren’t your peers. If you ask a 24 year old if you “look 40” their answer is not anything to put faith in, b/c they think 40 is like 100. I’ve had that experience with young 20-somethings, and I just said, you should not be impressed that I’m in my 30’s and have all of my teeth (that’s not what she said but it was something along the lines of, oh wow, you look good for your age as if I was a senior citizen).
Also, a LOT of people think that having a small dress size makes them look young. It doesn’t, b/c I personally associate frailty with old people.
And I think they need to start checking IDs at H&M and Forever 21 b/c a lot of these “I work out 7 days a week” 50 year olds just need to stop shopping in juniors just b/c they can wear those sizes. Again, so many things signify your age that have nothing to do with how small your jeans are or or how many miles you can run, although I take my hat off to the many people who are old enough to be my parents who like I said, can beat me in a footrace and run like 10 times as far as me. Why aren’t they happy with that? Why keep dressing like Miley Cyrus?
One of my friends actually started a Happy Hour group to try to combat the number of groups we go to that have an age cap yet are overrun by these 50 year olds who think they are the young looking ones. My friend half jokingly asked everyone, “are you in your 30’s b/c we are checking IDs”…so far, so good. And the 30 somethings, male and female, are pretty psyched to not have to deal with getting hit on by people 20 years older than them. clearly, everyone’s individual dating preferences are flexible, but we’ve enjoyed socializing with our true peers, and not our imagined ones…
Lauren says
Aw. I actually enjoy socializing with my employees, they’re so much fun. But I wouldn’t be caught dead dating one. I’m 51.
henriette says
I’m a bit taken aback by how many people admit to lying about their age. I don’t like men who lie. Period. And if someone lies on his profile, it makes me believe that he is insecure, that he will probably tell me what he thinks I wish to hear about other subjects in the future and that he has a chip on his shoulder about women his own age. *shudder*
I see that Evan and his wife are busy caring for their newborn son – CONGRATULATIONS! – but I hope that when he returns here in 2 weeks, Evan will comment on the subject of lying about one’s age.
marymary says
Still
It flips the other way. I hear younger men say they prefer older women for exactly the same reason that you prefer younger women. Younger men believe (erroneously i think) that older women are not looking for long term or marriage. How could we be. WE’RE ALMOST DEAD!
I personally barely give a **** how old someone is though I do draw the line at the 18yo who’s had a crush on me for three years. I know his mother (not the only reason, I jest). I’ve sparked with men in their eighties but they were married. I guess there are practical difficulties but I’ve seen up close and personal where the younger partner is the one who died first, or who got sick, and it’s the older one who ended up alone, or the carer. it’s not the norm but none of is the norm. The norm is a construct. We are all exceptional.
I think we are less age – obsessed in the UK but we are catching up I fear. I don’t care how anyone else chooses to dress, or have their hair, or what their body shape is. I mean, my God, don’t we have better things to think about.
We could all stand to be kinder. We’ll all be old one day unless we die first. These people we all are laughing at. That will be us. It’s your mother, your grandfather, your great aunt. No-one chooses to get old. Compassion people!
I see all sorts in relationships, beautiful, not so beautiful, tall, fat, thin, old, badly dressed, stylish, smart, not smart, educated, fit. rich poor. Those things ultimately aren’t what make it work. it’s the heart, integrity, character, hope, faith of a person. That comes in all packages and all age groups. And before we atart saying he or she must be x,y,z we have to be those things ourselves.
like attracts like. If your partners are (like mine used to be), shallow, flaky, emotionally unavailable, incapable of love, abusive, obsessed with appearance/age/status/sex, whatever, look at yourself. It ain’t pretty but that’s where change begins.
No. you’re not too old. Whoever you are.
marymary says
Mia
Women in their 50s get mistreated by men too. Women older than that get strung along too. Young attractive women are not the worst off in the dating pool. That’s just ridiculous.
I think you need to stop blaming society, your age, and your looks, and what you perceive men to be like.
You are carrying a whole baggage of negative beliefs with you. You need to look at where that came from. Go back, back, way back to the beginning.
I was subjected to physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect as a child. My counsellor said it was one of the worst cases he had ever heard. It was no wonder that I couldn’t form relationships as an adult. I, too, thought it might have something to do with my beauty. But, ultimately, I did not know what love was, how to give it, how to receive it. So, one jacked up relationship after another.
I’m not saying it’s the same for you, that’s just my story. But no way are your relationship woes down to you being pretty.
Ellen says
Mia #47: Evan has a whole post entirely devoted to the beautiful woman and how she is objectified and hotly pursued. Men just want to lay her. I.e., the beautiful woman, unless she is saavy and very careful, will be hounded by many men who just want to be able to say they scored with one.
I really don’t think women feel that way about super handsome men….. Groupies are a whole other category though.
TomT #10: That’s my number one complaint with men- that they are fickle and shallow. With age and changing hormones, men can become more reflective and learn what truly matters in life and cherish it. Too many just neglect their inner world/spirituality. From what I’ve seen most men don’t mellow and get truly sentimental til their fifties. They just need to feel their mortality a little, and then suddenly they prize their wives more. My Dad was like that.
Re age- I don’t see my age group acting like asses here. Maybe it’s a big city thing, not sure. I know older men will hit on younger girls sometimes to everyone’s discomfort probably. About the only thing I do that isn’t age appropriate is wear a miniskirt every once in a while, but I think (and ask those younger for their opinions) I can still carry it off. But read the other day even Jerry Hall, Jagger’s ex, won’t wear minis anymore ’cause she doesn’t think she has the legs for it. lol
But what I feel is missing with Gen Xers and the Millenials is any sense of respecting the mature man or woman. Of wanting to tap that wisdom. I think true respect for those older stopped with my generation (boomer). In my teens and early 20s most of my most influential friends were women 4-8 years older. I listened to them and learned a LOT. I just don’t see much of that anymore- everyone is too buried in their peer/race/political groups from what I’ve seen.
Katelyn says
I am surprised that someone is upset because people think they look younger, so what? It doesn’t do any harm to anyone if you think you look younger than your age. And it is possible that thinking that way actually can make someone more youthful.
I was one of those people earlier who said I look younger than my 61 years. I was at a live match event last night which was very interesting. All of the men who I spoke with or interacted with were in their early 50’s and they told me, they thought I was 50. I didn’t ask them how old they thought I was because it is a question I don’t find necessary. One man, who was a personal trainer and competitive body builder and I spent a long time talking. Somewhere in the conversation he said “do you mind if I ask your age” I said, “I am 61”. He was 53. He stared at me with his mouth open for several minutes( yes the classic jaw drop) and finally said he couldn’t believe it because he thought I was 50. I heard repeatedly through out the rest of our long conversation, how he couldn’t believe I was 61.
What I learn from this experience and from questions I asked about why men don’t even search in the 60 and over age range for women on match, affirmed that it might not be the best venue for me to find someone.
I was told that many men are responding to stereotypical thinking, that a women in her 60’s is , like MaryMary said, are almost dead. We have to be boring, have no energy and no interest in sex. One man felt that even if I email someone, in their 50’s, when they see my age, they might not even look at my profile.
I don’t think those issues are limited to people in their 60’s and in fact it is a sign that someone is not taking care of themselves, physical, emotional and spiritual, that causes aging, lack of sex drive and loss of interest in life. It can happen at any age.
I wonder what some of the other men on this thread think about what I was told about how men navigate singles sites, especially the men in their 50’s who are on Match or other singles sites.
Fiona says
On the topic of lying about ages, I met an ex boyfriend at 33 when he was 25. He told me he was 27 and I believed him. I didn’t find out the truth until a few months later by which time I was head over heels. However, had I known the truth from the start, I would not have dated him as I already felt that a 6 year age gap was big. He lied because he thought I wouldn’t date him if I knew he was 25 but that was my prerogative. The consequences of all of this: at 35 when I was wanting to settle down and have a family, he at 27 was looking at a career change. A whole lot of pain and heartache (for me) could have been avoided by him telling the truth in the first place and leaving me free at 33 to find someone who wanted what I wanted instead of him lying about his age at first and later about his desire to marry me and have a family with me all of which kept me hanging on for longer than I should. At 37, now past the heartache of the break up, I have to deal with the heartache of being childless. In short, lying about age is unfair on the other person and I wouldn’t do it. If I told men I was 35 they would probably believe me but that would give a false and unfair impression of my fertility. I’d rather someone just accepted me as I am with the risks involved than trick them.
Karmic Equation says
I don’t think he lied about wanting to marry you. He probably did want to do that…at the beginning…and then over time changed his mind, which is as much a man’s prerogative as a woman’s, as unfair as that is.
If you aren’t engaged at the 2 year mark of dating someone, if you’re over 30 and looking to start a family, then no matter how much YOU love the man, you need to dump him, because HE’s not sufficiently into you.
Believe me, a man who wants marriage and thinks you’re the one is going to propose well within the 2 year mark, particularly if he’s aware that YOU want children and that he also does as well.
Men who don’t want (or are undecided about) marriage, you, or future kids are going to put off that decision as long as you let them. So don’t let them.
But do NOT TELL these guys they’re on a 2-year deadline. This is a deadline you monitor in your own head, without ever giving it voice. You DO however make sure he’s aware that you want marriage and children someday, without giving him ultimatums or deadlines.
Evan met his wife when she was in her late 30s and they have two kids now. So you still have time. Don’t give up.
But also don’t let men make the decision for you on when to break up. YOU have to make that decision whenever a man doesn’t escalate your relationship within reasonable timeframes.
Good luck.
Cat says
@Fiona – so sorry for your heartbreak. It sounds like he lied about more than just his age unfortunately. I think lying about the other things were more detrimental though in the long run..had he only lied about his age first & not about wanting to marry you & have a family, it might have still worked. You still have time to have children. Totally unfair he set you back a few years with his lying, but everything happens for a reason & the right one will come along! Keep the faith!
Kathleen says
I agree with Mia in that if you are attractive no one gives a shit.
I just got a message this morning from a 40 year old who when I told him I was 53 basically said the same thing.
I never claim to look 40 , 45 , 50 … I do that best with what Ive got to look like an attractive physical sexual woman while looking elegant.
I agree with Ellen that older peoples wisdom is not recognized these days I would have benefited greatly by an older woman mentor when I was in my 20s or 30s.
As a health care professional I had the opportunity to talk at length with a few very old people who were an unassuming wealth of knowledge. I never had much access to my grandparents and perhaps these days this is common and so older people are seen as having no value.
Vtaylor says
I agree with Mia as well Kathleen, if you are attractive it does not matter. I am 51 and considered stunningly beautiful (I have been told by many men). I have been approached by men of all ages. However, with my encounters I usually gear towards the younger man, 10 years younger. I find the older group of men (I have encountered) do not have a zest for life as the younger gents. Also, the younger gents enjoys my zest for life, quick wit, playful spirit and intellect. The older men (I have encountered) find me intimidating. I do not get caught in the whole ageism, put yourself out there and enjoy your life. The right person will appear either on a dating site or other avenues.
Joe says
If being childless is such heartache, there are ways to have children that don’t involve getting married…
nathan says
Fiona 54- you stayed with him almost 2 years after finding out he was two year younger than he had first stated. I don’t know how you can blame the age change for what you experienced. He could have easily wanted a career change at 29 for the same reasons, and you could easily date someone for a year or two at any age and find out you don’t want the same things. Happens all the time.
I don’t advocate lying about your age, and haven’t done it myself. But the idea that leaving a year or two off your age in either direction is some kind of terrible action is absurd. Age and maturity level are only somewhat correlated. And even with something like fertility, the difference between 35 and 37 is fairly minimal. In both cases, that window is moving towards a close, that’s all. The 35 year old might have a shorter window if other conditions aren’t optimal, while the 37 year old might have a longer window if she’s in excellent health and has a supportive genetic history.
People get fixated on numbers, but the true picture is much more complicated than that. You could still be with this man and also be childless because of infertility, short term health conditions, or any number of other reasons. My point being that while age isn’t a completely arbitrary marker, it doesn’t really give anyone nearly enough information to make accurate judgments about someone.
And thus you have all these quandaries about online dating. Because one of the main cut off frames is a very specific age criteria. Something that doesn’t happen when you meet someone in person. Not at first anyway. Your attraction or lack of attraction has nothing to do with the specific number. You have a ballpark figure in mind – this person is around my age – and that’s about it. There’s really nothing magical about turning 50 or turning 60, but to the computer generating lists of matches, those numbers make all the difference.
JB says
Katelyn is right. I personally know a 62 yr.old woman who’s a friend of mines ex girl friend and she could easily pass for 49 or 50. She doesn’t do online dating, but let’s be realistic most men or woman aren’t in the shaving 7-10 yrs off category and are able to get away with it.
For the record above ^^^^ I’m 51 and only shave off 3 yrs in my profile maikng me 48. It’s really not about the 3 yrs which I’ll never change. At this point for me it’s more about WOMEN’S perception of men “over & under 50” that I’m dealing with more than my own insecurity. I happily email women my own age but I also get winks and emails from 56-58 yr.old women that aren’t even feminine or youthful looking and I think to myself “really”?….LOL When I turn 53 which will make me 50 online it will stay 50! 🙂
Karmic Equation says
Fiona,
I really like your posts and I feel for you on this. He was certainly wrong in lying to you and keeping you hanging, but you can’t be blameless as you ALWAYS had the power to walk away once you knew his age, head over heels or not. I know, this is easier said than done. But that’s the problem with us women…We don’t want to walk away because it would hurt us…and the guy wants to keep every thing the way it is because changing the status quo would hurt him. When you look at it this way, who really had the power? If you walked away, he would not have been able to keep the status quo.
So when you hung in there, you ceded him the power to keep the relationship as the status quo. Having power and not exercising it (because it’s going to hurt) – is just as bad, if not worse, than biting the bullet and moving on in spite of the hurt. In the former you feel like a victim, in the latter you feel empowered. In both you are bound to be saddened.
I wish you the best. My observations about isn’t meant to hurt. I just think we need to recognize the power we have and take responsibility SO THAT we know that our relationship-happiness is within our own control, and does not belong to any man. We just have to recognize, our power is to WALK AWAY. Not a great super power. But it is our power in a relationship.
K says
Not upset that people think they look younger. Just think it’s interesting the abundance of people who think they don’t look their age. I just think we had an idea that our current age looked older when we were younger. Rarely is anyone saying I look my age (with a recent exception) or worse than my age.
I don’t think lying about a few years is an awful crime, I just don’t like it or agree with it. I realized a recent date was lying by a few years (because I can do math when he talked about things that didn’t add up). It just was awkward. If you think you look great for your age or your maturity doesn’t add up then put that in your profile. If I think you look great and read that somewhere maybe I would take it into consideration, better that doubting all the other claims you make on your date.
Nicole says
@Katelyn,
If you want to see “upset” then visit the post about curvy women. There are men who get super angry about women using the term curvy when they feel the people in question have no right to.
I personally don’t know why they care about that, but one thing is subjective and one thing is a fact. Ask men of different backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, and races to describe curvy and you will get a LOT of different answers. Yet the men posting on that article are full of rage.
I don’t know how lying advances anyone’s cause. At least not in any sustainable way. I’ve seen men who lie about their age in their summary, then explain the lie in their profile. I’ve seen men who do the same things about marital status or education. It might make you turn up in more searches but you are taking the chance that people won’t appreciate the lie. And sorry, it’s internet dating so people do treat it like a Costco for humans and will be really picky about certain things b/c there is the illusion of an endless supply.
The whole issue of “looking your age” is like so many other things. Stereotypes. But again, the men saying that to you aren’t your age and they probably think they still look 40. That doesn’t mean you don’t look great. It just means that it’s a very inaccurate way to describe people. Why not say, you look nice/pretty. It kind of doesn’t matter unless they need a woman to bear children for them.
And perhaps it’s easier for you to take it as a compliment but I’ve gotten the same kind of “comments” as it pertains of women of my race, and in that context it is is disgusting, so maybe that’s why it turns me off in general. What my mom and her sister’s looked/look like in their 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s is not what their mom looked like. But let’s see, they had more money, way fewer children, and easier lives in general. I still think they LOOK their age. They just look their age the way that people do in the 21st century. And it’s totally true that 50-60 years ago, women their age looked entirely different. Most 60 year old women don’t look like Grandma Moses, even if they don’t have botox, dyed hair, plastic surgery, and clothes from H&M.
I see a lot of women that I’d say are very attractive but don’t look young to my 30 something eyes. That’s all I’m saying.
And it becomes comical b/c of how many people on this blog and on dating sites insist that they are the magical unicorn who has defied Father Time. I just can’t imagine every saying that. It sounds so silly. So if you’ve been lurking here long enough that’s why you’d have to know that every time I read it, I roll my eyes. My college alumni magazine used to have singles ads, and all of these older women would describe themselves as Susan Sarandon, Sharon Stone, or Raquel Welch lookalikes. One man from their “era” finally wrote this hilarious letter asking where all of these pin-up girls were when he was in college, b/c he didn’t see anyone who looked like they were going to turn into any of those women.
Ellen says
Katelyn #53- yes, it’s true- too many older people feel they look/act younger than their age. Most are in denial, it’s true, but like you said, what’s so wrong with thinking you are the exception? Maybe it will bolster your self esteem. I would caution men from putting it on their profile ’cause I’ve met too many who clearly weren’t young looking for their age. It reeks of slight desperation. I never put it on mine, but let my photos do the talking….
Before dating, btw, I always readily offered up my age to anyone (wasn’t coy like so many). At work though I didn’t tell too many ’cause, again, in most workplaces you just ARENT respected for your age usually. However, turning 40 or 50 was no big deal to me also. To this day I am very proud of my age, oh so glad I was raised in the sixties/seventies when times were simpler….
PS What happened to you at that event where men in their early 50s thought you were a peer happens to me all the time. Has happened for a good many years also. I am not one of those in denial but I know my days are numbered…..just so glad I found my bf when I did (and here’s a shout out to Evan for giving me the psychological tools to let my bf “chase me til I caught him”). Now I can drop the pretense! lol btw, lately my bf and I trade war stories about back/hip pains. I used to kick like a Rockette though! 🙁
Jennifer says
#54 Fiona
Very sorry to hear about your ex, but take heart- being 37 does *not* mean getting married and having kids is impossible. Try not to get down about it.
I totally get why you didn’t leave your boyfriend after you found out his age- I have actually been in the same situation. But now, especially depending on how the truth of his age came to light, I wouldn’t stay. Why? Because of what his lying to me tells me about him.
If he *knew* i wouldn’t want to date him if he was X age, so he told me he was X-2, then what he’s saying is that his desire (to date me) trumps my desire (to not date someone who is X). How is that cool? And who died and made him God? He doesn’t have to agree with my desire, but that doesn’t mean he gets to disrespect it. In a relationship I doubt my boyfriend will always agree with the reason I do/don’t want to do something- so if he doesn’t is he then entitled to lie to get his way? I don’t want to be with someone that thinks they are. And maybe he shouldn’t be with someone whose opinions and thought process he has so little respect for anyway…
On the surface it seems like such a small thing, but to me it speaks volumes about what kind of person he is. And that’s not to be ignored.
Fiona says
Nathan, I blame the “lying” for what happened more than the age but I nevertheless would not have dated a 25 year old at that time because I would have seen 8 years as too big a difference and a 25 year old as too high risk for me at 33. He admitted that he sensed that which is why he lied in the first place. I am not going to lie to anyone about my age – the difference between 35 and 37 is that the 37 year old is under more pressure.
Karmic Equation, you are right – in hindsight it all started with a lie and I should have walked away when the first lie was exposed. At the time I thought it was just a little white lie. Really I should have seen him then for what he was – someone who lies to get what he wants.
Nicole says
But back to the original topic. Isn’t the answer, no, you are never TOO old but just like anything else, you won’t get as many views precisely b/c so many people have on blinders when it comes to their peers.
I personally don’t profiles that are a)full of bragging or b)full of demands. I’ve noticed that a lot of the people that think they are extra special feel comfortable getting kind of nasty about who they expect to contact them and who had better not dare.
I might prefer different things but I don’t see how it would make me appealing to anyone to say “and if you are some old man who wants a woman under 40, you’d better not contact me b/c I have a dad.” Or, “If you contact me, you’d better look 10 years younger than you are b/c I know I do and I work out 7x a week.” How is either of those things attractive?
I mean, I will still READ the profile of someone who might not have the handful of things I consider to be REALLY important. I’m not going to go off saying “who does he think he is” except when I get vulgar messages, and even then, it’s not a reason to turn my profile into a big rant.
Fiona says
Jennifer you are totally right. I have learned my lesson. Honesty and integrity are essential qualities whether on-line or in real life.
Julia says
Another lie I see a lot is the “doesn’t have kids” things then they describe how they can’t live without their children. I’m not sure if women also do this but I see a lot of men in their late 30s who do.
Christine says
Nicole@66, you hit the nail on the head that people can have blinders on, so you don’t get as many views. People will like what they like, no matter what. I’ve learned to recognize that that challenge will exist but also not take it too personally either.
Mia, if you don’t mind my asking, how old are you? I thought you said before you’re in your 20s. I used to think the same thing, until I reached my 30s and I experienced it for myself. Right or wrong, many men really do deem women less desirable at 30+ regardless of their packaging or how they look (mostly because they assume that older women will strangle them into marriage and kids from date 1, or assume more baggage). However, I have found it’s mostly an online thing, when they have 20-something women at their fingertips (or at least, have the perception that they do). It really is different when, in person, you lead off with different characteristics and don’t lead off with your “numbers” as you do with online dating. So I’d still suggest that women 30+ not give up their online dating subscriptions, but just not rely on it too much either.
K says
@christine great view and advice. After a recent guy I dated poof’d and then lowered his age bracket it definitely was hard to see. But you are right online is one option and people in real life rarely care.
Gina says
It’s definitely harder to find a quality partner the older you get. I’m 50, and am told by some men that I am attractive and have a bubbly personality. Being African American helps as I am aging well. As far a meeting that special someone goes, I have moved away from online dating in favor of meeting men the old fashioned way—in person. No one special has caught my eye, or I theirs, but I am enjoying living the single life and engaging in fun activities that uplift me and bring me joy. If I meet someone in the process, that would be icing on the cake. If not, I will keep on living life to the fullest and doing things that make me happy.
Dee says
Yes, I agree we African American women do age well but weight is an issue for the women and for the men they overweight, extremely poor health and ill prepared for retirement. What a nice surprise to date some White males not pickup any racism. As you mentioned most of the White males also said “We Whites age poorly when compared to African Americans. What Ive noticed is they’re mainly Jewish as well.
Im 60 but noticed that nobody is talking about many of the men NOT being being able to preform sexually or their impotent! Most of the men are overweight with poor health but want a slim Sexy woman of any age!
I also meet men who are IMPOTENT yet want a very attractive GF without investing in her yet they want alot as a casual friend, so I leave them alone.
Evan Marc Katz says
Thanks to the two of you (Claire #25 and Henriette #49) who congratulated me on the birth of my son.
Katarina says
@Mark,
I am 45 and my age range is 40 – 50. Next year the range will bump up a year. If I received a note from you and saw that your range is 35-55, no matter how great your profile is, I would ignore it. You being 51 and looking at 35, creeps me out. Please don’t take offense. Now if your range was about 45 – 55, I would have no problem with that. And if you wrote a thoughtful note, citing you know you are out of my listed range, I would write back. One of the men I am seeing did just that, and he is 52! BUT, his age range was reasonable!
On another note, I have ignored countless men because they list an age range that is below their own age. For example, he’s 50 and looking for 33-45. No thank you. If you can’t deal with your own age group, then there are some issues.
Secondly, on the lying discussion.. a lie, is a lie, is a lie.
I had dinner with a man that listed his height as 5’8″ – I am 5’7″ – I gave him a chance as I listed I was looking for a minimum of 5’9″. I showed up in heels, and i was quite a bit taller. Sat down, had dinner. I was not feeling it with this guy, but was very polite and kind just the same. But as he walked me to my car, I took off my shoes, because i had a previous ankle injury and my foot was hurting. WOW, I was still taller than him. I may have encouraged a second date, but after still towering over him, and him looking UP at me… no way. Wasted my time. Not that short men are not attractive… (both of my LTRs were my height) – it was the lying that I found unattractive.
I will say that online dating has been a lot of fun so far… but it has only been 7 weeks 🙂
nathan says
Fiona, if your ex had a pattern of lying to get what he wanted, then I can understand why the initial age lie was so upsetting. Because what started with a lie was always defined by lies. But if that was really his only major lie, and there were a lot of other factors that led to the end of the relationship, then I struggle to see how you can blame the demise on him initially saying he was 2 years older.
I actually agree with you that dating a 25 year old in your mid30s is a risk. I’ve had a few opportunities to do so over the past few years: one I turned down, and the other one didn’t go anywhere, in large part because she “acted her age,” wanting to enjoy the dating scene so to speak. At the same time, when I am doing online dating I have a wide age range in both directions because I know there are people who don’t “fit” the story of their age group. One of the main reasons why the OP is frustrated, and why you see others here admitting to age shaving, is that the majority of people online don’t have the kind of wide filters I’m employing.
I get the sense that you’re blaming his desire for a career change on being a flighty 20 something, which doesn’t really doesn’t fly in the modern world anymore. People shift careers an average of 6-7 times across their lifespan now, including many people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who were supposedly settled but wake up one day to wanting something different, or to being laid off and forced into something different.
I’m a person who believes in the spirit of the law, rather than the letter. Intention is very important to me, as is the context. No matter how you slice it, the beginning stages of dating are full of unsaid information, attempts to paint oneself in as good of light as possible, and mistaken perceptions. An honest person with integrity is one who recognizes this, and does his or her best to aim towards being as truthful as possible, given the circumstances. What does that mean in terms of age and online dating? I’ll be honest; I don’t know for sure. All I know is that I can understand why – given the context of online dating and how it operates – people might choose to shave a couple years off their age. And I tend to think that in the bigger scale of lies and how they impact a relationship, the 51 year old who says he’s 49 for example, really is doing something quite minor.
miskwa says
A very timely post; I will turn 52 in a week and have just bailed outta my last dating site after being contacted by a string of 6 uneducated, minimally employed, and unhealthy guys that apparently did not read or cannot read my profile. Unlike many here that have replied, I am completely honest about age, height, and weight and have current photos. I look for fit educated guys that are older (up to 75) than I. I am not much into popular culture nor have I any interest in raising kids as are many younger or even equal aged guys. Maturity is good. I figure we women outlive men anyway. There was a lot of comment about what we women have to offer; I can tell you that if you mention being affectionate, caring, have a stable household and income, it gets mis understood as you being available for casual sex or that you are OK with someone who is looking for a meal ticket. In a small town such as this, it is very easy for someone to find out who I am and where I live and work; was cyber-stalked once by a guy from eHarmony that I had never even contacted-really scary. However, I have no choice but to look on line as there are zero healthy options in men here anywhere near my age or older. I have been told my colleagues to “settle” for someone unhealthy and/or uneducated that I have zero attraction for because “I am not getting any younger”. Been there; done that; does not work. Let me add that according to others I am indeed much younger looking than my 52 years (I dont think so) and have made it a priority to remain very fit and healthy. Nathan is very right, many boomer guys are looking for June Cleaver and Bridget Bardot wrapped in one even though they themselves are falling apart. A local guy thought I should clean his sloppy house, cook for him (I have a larger house and run a small farm and work full time) even though he is retired. I cannot leave my job right now nor do I want to spend the rest of my life alone. Very saddening and frustrating. I agree, Evan should do a post on dating site dishonesty and include not only age but other stuff such as financial situation, height and weight and having serious health issues. Last winter, I met with four on line guys that lied about one or more of the last four things as though I wasn’t going to notice. Dishonesty is dishonesty and does not make for a good first impression. I don’t get it; there are plenty of heavier women out there for guys that are heavy, plenty of shorter women out there for guys who are short, plenty of sedentary women for guys that are not active; why lie?!
Stan says
@Katarina
You believe a man has got issues for refusing to date within his age range, yet you see nothing wrong in setting the minimum requirement of your online choice men at 5 9″
It’s amazing how lots of women point out the blinders men have as regards to women’s age but fail to perceive theirs when it comes to men’s height and income. Nice sentiments ladies.
Michael says
I noticed no one mentions one key fact. After 50 and esp. after 60 you will be dealing with the survivors of life. I got colon cancer at 56. I had to retire early. It cost me a huge amt. of money. I was lucky to get my pension, but I lost out on 5 plus years of full salary. I’ve seen eight women I once knew under 60 die from cancer. Folks it’s always later than you think. The older you are the more likely you will get a life changing illness. The best date and marriage prospects I had in my entire life were in high school. I finished in 74, and I didn’t know that at the time. I never met anyone after 25 I would marry. I’m 61 now, and as they say–the good ones go first. I had my chance decades ago, didn’t take it, and now I live with regrets. If you wait too long, you will lose. If you are under 55, you still have time to find decent partners. After that it’s really dicey.
Ruby says
A friend of mine who is 57 knocks 3 years off her age on-line, to 54. She recently met a man who stated that he was divorced. At their first meeting, she let him know her real age. He responded by telling her that he was not divorced, but separated, and recently so. He actually seemed pleased, and responded that they were now “even.” My friend’s being 3 years older has no bearing on her ability to conduct a relationship, but a man’s marital status greatly affects his readiness for a relationship, not to mention the fact that he lied about something so important. Not all lies are equivalent.
I’ve met plenty of major liars online, men who knocked 15 years off their age and had 15 year old photos to match, men who lied about their marital status, men who claimed to want LTRs and marriage, but really didn’t. Some things, like an extreme lie about age or height, are evident right away, but sometimes the most insidious lies are not always detected right away.
Kathleen says
Rather than contemplating slashing my wrists Ive been ruminating on what Evan had said about making something better.
Last night I changed my username and subtitle to something more mysterious, more creative, even more unique to me, and a bit “darker”.
Today so far Ive received new contact of 7 winks and 4 messages on Match, and 9 new contact messages on POF and one phone call from today.
Thats more than my norm by 6pm. I appreciate Evans encouragement not to give up.
Thanks Evan!
henriette says
@miskwa 75. “I don’t get it; there are plenty of heavier women out there for guys that are heavy, plenty of shorter women out there for guys who are short, plenty of sedentary women for guys that are not active; why lie?!” Because the heavier guys think they deserve — and have the impression that they will actually get! — Gisele Bundchen; shorter guys think that they deserve — and have the impression that they’ll actually get! — Susan Anton. And sedentary men think that they deserve — and have the impression they will actually get! — the entire Olympic volleyball team.
And, folks, Evan & his lovely wife just had his second (and, probably last) child! If you think about it, he’s really been a surrogate dad to all of us, here: doling out sound advice; cheering us on through disappointments; helping us navigate the Wild West of the online dating world. He’d be the first one to congratulate any one of us who found true love, got married or left an abusive relationship. Don’t you think a few more of us could express some joy for *his* momentous life event?
Ellen says
Henriette: I was going to shout out “CONGRATS” earlier this week but got momentarily distracted.
Feel bad about it.
So here’s my attempt to make amends: CONGRATS EVAN ON YOUR SON!!!
Much happiness to you both. Mazeltov! !
MIsha says
Congratulations on the arrival of you new bundle of joy.
Here’s to your family and may you and your wife be getting some rest in between feedings and changings and taking time with your daughter. 😀
MIsha says
To Kathleen in 78.
Good to hear the small change resulted in some results. I think your profile gets “stale” so changing user name, profile and photos helps. And even doing a brand new profile helps bring you to the top as a new user. Good things to think of as you online date.
Nicole says
@Miskwa…not all fat people marry/date other fat people b/c not all thin people prefer thin people. Spending time sociazling in real life shows you how often a lot of people like what they like (lid for every pot and all of that).
Kind of like sometimes ugly winds up with pretty, old winds up with young, rich winds up with poor, and uneducated winds up with educated. You have to cast a wide net to find the person who thinks that what you are is just right.
Dating is not so much about likes pairing up with likes in such a superficial way.
And yes, a LOT of heavy men will list only “slender” or “athletic” just like some of those athletic guys ask for full-figured, curvy, or more.
Some, not all. The nice thing about people listing their preferences (which is also sometimes the most annoying thing) is that you learn not to ASSUME anything about what something will like just b/c of what race, age, size, education, or income level they are.
Sheila says
9/28/12 – I stumbled across this site – in search of understanding why the guy I met on-line – same age as me – 66 – who indicated interest in me – spent lunch time and walk in the park after time – in a basic monologue. Generally I try to give guys some ‘slack’ on first dates – nerves can make one present uncharacteristically. SO I will keep the 2nd date we have planned for tomorrow evening and see how that goes. Very little eye contact – nerves too?
But as I read over many of the above postings I appreciated Nathan’s perspective and Andrew & especially Katelyn’s which I most resonated with. I did date a guy from church who is actually older by 9 years but alive – so alive but alas his heart is closed so we are simply friends. But due to life crises he did a lot of inner work and it shows! Not sure what PUA’s are though. Thanks you all for sharing!
Sheila
Flower White says
Congratulations to Evan and his wife on the birth of their son!
I have nothing to add to this convo as I’m on a vacation from dating.
JB says
Just a random thought I’m going to throw out is that when people on online dating sites are doing searches inevitably the results will show people in their own age range as well as younger and the eyes of both men and women will gravitate towards the younger and create the illusion that those people are attainable when most of the time they’re not. In the 50+ age range a lot of men and women aren’t or are a lot less attracted to their own age so they email “down”(younger). It just is what it is from my observation. I get emails from women 8-9 yrs older than me every day who I’m sure aren’t emailing or returning emails from guys their own age who may be interested in them.
No matter what your search parameters are on Match for example they always throw in extra results that are OUTSIDE those parameters to A.) Give you more results and B.) Widen the scope of what you think you want or be interested in.
Susan61 says
I am 51 and have avoided online dating for the last few years because I abhor the lack of privacy. In order to get responses, you must plaster several photographs of yourself to the entire world and sell yourself (embarrassing, I’m decidedly old school) to an audience of strangers. I have experienced my ex’s best friend (male) following me around as I tried various dating sites, and taunting me with “oh, it’s you again”. So yes, each time he wrote, I knew he was telling my ex (who unceremoniously dumped me) that “oh, yeah, I saw her on match….Okcupid..or whatever.” This did not feel good. At all.
Yet, now I have three female friends – 45, 47 and 53 – who have met their current boyfriends on line. Heck, I met my ex-ex online but I broke up with him 5 years ago (and actually should have ended things after 6 months…). At 46 I then met the last man (in real life) who I thought was “the One” and was soundly dumped, because at only two years younger than he, I did not satisfy the desired 7-20 years younger age requirement. But let’s not rehash bygones.
So in the last couple of weeks I have considered tiptoeing back into the online dating world, much to my chagrin. At 51, I feel like I have no game. I have considered being “49” because it seems like 50 is the death knell for women (unless you want to date 60’s – early 70’s men which I don’t – sorry) but I realize this could backfire. Yet, my ex blithely billed himself as 6 years younger than his REAL age, and was advertising for women AT LEAST 7 years younger than his REAL age.
Still, I would be embarrassed to be on that first date with a guy and surprise, we are actually hitting it off! He asks me what year I graduated from high school and then, I have to spill the truth – I AM FIFTY ONE YEARS OLD. Ugh. Nope, I just can’t lie.
So, maybe I’ll try online dating for a free trial or something. And when the octogenarians start responding from their rocking chairs, I’ll get a good laugh and think of my poor friend Bob who dropped dead three weeks ago from a heart attack at 50. And I’ll just go back to “smelling the roses” and enjoying life as a single, celibate, 51 year old woman.
Kathleen says
Susan 61
It doesn’t sound like online dating is for you since your outlook is so negative. But if you eventually realize you have nothing to loose you could have a photographer take some fantastic shots you are proud of and have a good buddy help you write a confident and POSITIVE profile.
If you are seeking a top job you have to look your best at the interview and sell yourself to strangers. I have a photo on Linked in that strangers can see.
My ex who just turned 60 was on match looking for a 30-45 year old …Who cares!
Susan61 says
Thanks for your thoughtful and positive response, Kathleen. I appreciate your upbeat yet condescending post. Yet, it’s OK. I’ve done online dating off and on for about 20 years now so I know of what I speak. I’ve written amazing unique profiles and gone on many blind online dates. Seeking a job is NOT the same as online dating. I AM allowed, am I not, at this point in my life, to have an opinion about online dating that is not unfailingly positive?
Most people with Linked In profiles who are looking for a job do not have photos and you have to admit, it is a tad different from online dating. My outlook is realistic, pragmatic, perhaps bordering on negative and I’m sorry if that is the tone I conveyed. Best to you! P.S. It’s “lose”, not “loose”.
Karmic Equation says
@Susan61 #89
Men don’t going to run from you because you are older than their desired age range, but rather because you’re negative and generally unpleasant to be around. One can glean this from your writing style and the words you choose to express yourself. You probably think you’re showing self-assurance, but it comes across as b*tchy instead. If you really want to find a good man, or even any man, never mind a good one, consider adjusting the attitude. I actually think you may get a lot out of the book, Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. There’s a difference between being a bitch as she defines it and the b*tchy that you’re demonstrating. Being a bitch doesn’t mean being bitchy.
Christine says
I can see where Susan is coming from. I think we’ve all had those moments of being jaded about online dating. I know I certainly have! However, I try to keep in mind that it’s not a popularity contest. It’s true that us older ladies won’t get the “majority vote” of men on a given online dating site. But then again, none of us really needs a ton of suitors, just one right person. It’s still worth it to keep an oar in just in case–just don’t make it your life or hinge your sense of self-worth on it either.
I’m gradually coming to peace with the fact that I’ll find my Mr. Right late in life. There are some advantages to marrying late too. Even the people I know who met and married young (and are still happily married) faced some really tough challenges in their relationships. More often than not, they were less financially stable since they just graduated from school and hadn’t been in the workforce as long. It was very stressful for them trying to support a family in those circumstances. They often haven’t developed their personalities as much either, to really know their likes and dislikes (not to say that character is ever engraved in stone, but older people do tend to be more stabilized in their character, after having more life experience to learn about themselves). I also know people who married young, but then grew apart after they developed and changed in different directions. So I’m trying to look on the bright side of finding someone late in life. Now I won’t get to have a big wedding ceremony like the 20-something brides (and know my fertility will likely decline–but, that wouldn’t break my heart. While I absolutely love being an aunt, I have to admit I have mixed feelings about motherhood anyway so that wouldn’t crush me). However, finding someone later doesn’t have to be the end of the world and can be rewarding in its own way. I know plenty of older couples in their 30s and they don’t seem any less happy than the ones who married young, so I look to them for inspiration.
Katarina says
@ Stan 76.
The desired height range is not arbitrary. You missed that i did meet the man even though he was shorter than what I listed.
You see I am thinking of the possible future: Short man/tall woman = awkward doggie style and … I am thinking of a 2 digit number…. 😀
And just for good measure, I don’t list income, ethnicity, religious, build, etc.. preferences.
Good luck in your search !
Buck25 says
Katarina,
RE: no. 92 How, oh how, did I ever miss this one! LMAO! My dear, I will give you an A+ for effort, for coming up with that one, but as a man (5’9″ tall) who had a 16 year marriage with a woman who is 5’11″+, (yes, barefooted) , I can say from extensive experience that your comment about the supposed “awkwardness” of both sexual positions with a taller woman/shorter man is ludicrous, and utterly false! One would have to be built rather unconventionally (or not know what he/she was trying to do) for either of the activities you mention to be so “awkward” as you insist! We never had any difficulty with either! I might add that I’ve had, in my lifetime, three other intimate female partners taller than me (same positions, same result), so I think it safe to say the marital experience was not some unique circumstance.
Thanks for the amusement (I’m STILL laughing!). Now run along and find some other (hopefully legitimate) excuse for your height preference (although I’m not sure why you feel you need one; it’s really quite ok for you to prefer taller men, without having to justify it.) 🙂
Sabrina says
Katarina: sounds to me like you lack imagination in the sex dept. My ex was 5’3″ and I’m 5’7″ and we had a very satisfying time in the sack…and other locations. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.Lady K says
@ Andrew #26 –
Love it!!! Brills. Changing my profile NOW!.
I’m adding my own twist but will keep #1 on the list the same.
Susan61 says
@Karmic Equation. #90
This is a good example of why internet dating is problematic. You have made a blanket judgmental statement about me, a human being you have never met, based on two postings on an internet board. A quite negative, and bordering on mean, judgement I might add. Ask my many friends, both male and female, if I am “generally unpleasant to be around” or if I am a “B*tch”. Ask my neighbors. Ask my letter carrier who brings me fresh tomatoes. Ask my co-workers. Ask my very large, loving family. Oh wait…you’ve never MET them. And you’ve never met ME.
Ask them if I’m negative….about online dating? Well, yeah, sometimes I am negative about it. With good reason! People online are judged based on writing style, photos and things like age, height. If one had met a person in real life one’s impression would be entirely different. The online world is inherently not capable of full human expression, both verbally and non-verbally hence, it’s profound limitations. And yes, it can be a great thing. My sister married a man she met online. As I mentioned, many of my friends are dating men they met online. I don’t like the idea of posting photos and the lack of privacy, as I mentioned. It just doesn’t sit well with me, especially as I get older. So sue me. I’m old school and life has increasingly become less personal with everyone sitting at home communicating on computers (myself included.)
So because I decide to post a somewhat negatively slanted opinion of online dating for an over 50 year old woman, you feel the need to judge so harshly? I guess that is your right, as a complete stranger, to make this judgment..if you wish…but I don’t think it will add well to your full “karmic equation.”
By the way, thanks…I did read that book. I agree it is an excellent read and I have recommended it to other women. 🙂
P.S. Sorry to disappoint, but men don’t run from me. I’m just picky and haven’t met the right one. Cheers!
Wendy says
Susan61 #94 makes a good point about online dating vs. in person: “People online are judged based on writing style, photos and things like age, height. If one had met a person in real life one’s impression would be entirely different.”
I met the man I’ve been dating for over a year now in “the real world”. After a few weeks together, he told me he’d hit me up online a couple of months before (we were both on Match at the time) but I never responded. I didn’t even vaguely remember him, so he pulled up his profile, and…oh yeah. HIM. The old guy with kids who was obviously a player based on the photo of him hugging two hotties that he’d posted. In real life he turned out to be only two years older than me, his “kids” turned out to be one adult daughter who’d just moved back home briefly after college, and the two hotties were his daughter and her BFF. Was I ever WRONG! It’s a funny story now, but I could have missed meeting a great man if I’d left it up to my impression of his online presence.
I hope this guy’s “the one” and that I never have to do the online dating thing again, or any kind of dating {{shudder}} for that matter, but if I do, I will be way more forgiving of a man’s profile and much more likely to meet him if he asks me for a date!
JB says
Yeah Wendy #95 – that’s happened to me at least 5 times over the years. I meet(walk up to) a woman out at a bar or singles event that I had emailed online and been ignored by and I get their number and a date with them within a half an hour. Then when I’m on the date with them I show them that I had already emailed them however long ago and that they ignored me. For the most part they say they “didn’t remember seeing my email”….LOL Sure, I don’t doubt it among the 100 they might of gotten that week.
I’ve said it many times when I’m perusing profiles online. If you put me in a room with these women I would have half of them dancing with me, chatting with me, and offering their number but online you just get lost in the statistical checkbox delusional expectation shuffle. It’s a lot more difficult to ignore someone that approaches you at a dance than on Match where they don’t even give it a thought.
Christine says
Wendy@95, haha…that really is a funny story. I hope you didn’t ask who the bimbos were in the photo with him. 😉 (just kidding)
It really is easy to get lost in the shuffle online, so I’m trying to learn not to take it so personally. I remember at this one particular Halloween party, I was stunned when one of the best-looking guys there came up to me and asked me to dance, even with younger and hotter girls around (and wearing much sexier outfits than the one I had on). He’s the type of guy who usually ignores me online. I think it’s because I was smiling, dancing and having a good time, while those other girls were just standing there doing their “haughty hottie” poses.
In the online world, youth and beauty are the only qualities that really count, because those are the only ones that are readily apparent from a computer screen. So us older women need to just focus the majority of our efforts in the real world.
Morris says
This is my first comment on this site. I have really enjoyed reading many of the articles and comments. What I don’t understand is bashing men based on preferences. Women have them to you know.
What I think the real issue is is that women don’t know how to handle dating like men do. For decades women just had to post a profile and watch as messages came rolling in. As they get older the number(or quality) decreases. Well guess what? Men rarely get messages to begin with. We’re expected to write thoughtful personalized messages just to get a response. Imagine having to take the time to message a dozen women. Just to get a few replies. Just to get a single date.
In this day and age I just can’t sympathize. For the people talking about lying. As long as you are ok with others lying I guess it will be a good match. I don’t see how a good lasting relationship could come from it though. Otherwise women-up and start messaging men in masses. Market yourself and expect to message dozens of men for a couple of dates. Welcome to dating equality.
Kathleen says
Older women like myself didn’t have online dating when we were young so I can’t imagine the overwhelming deluge of messages they watch rolling in.
I have success with witty one liners tailored to the guy. I prefer that from guys too.
I can relate to Wendys comment. Ive been out in public a few times and approached by guys who greeted me with my online user name……Now thats embarrassing … Think Im overexposed LOL
Veronica says
I did some online dating ten years ago and grew a two year relationship out of that experience. Now, I’m in my mid 50s and a licensed marriage and family therapist. And I’m still alone. I haven’t focused on this aspect of my life near as much as I have focused on surviving the recession as a private practice therapist and raising my two kids. When it comes to online dating sites, I have observed all the same challenges detailed here. In addition, I feel I can’t post photos, as I really don’t want clients seeing me online. Worse yet, would be accidentally connecting with a client or former client through a dating site.
Karmic Equation says
@ Susan61 from #89
“At 46 I then met the last man (in real life) who I thought was “the One” and was soundly dumped, because at only two years younger than he, I did not satisfy the desired 7-20 years younger age requirement.”
I’m sorry to have to burst your bubble, Susan, but if a man really likes you, a 2-yr age difference doesn’t mean squat. He was using that as an excuse to end the relationship. Possibly did this because he felt you could go off on him and he wanted to avoid a scene.
My current BF is 13 yrs my jr. MaryMary’s bf is also a lot younger than her. Both have proposed. Using age to disqualify a woman as LTR material AFTER DATING her is a smokescreen.
@ Susan61 from #94
“This is a good example of why internet dating is problematic. You have made a blanket judgmental statement about me, a human being you have never met, based on two postings on an internet board.”
From your posts #89
“Thanks for your thoughtful and positive response, Kathleen. I appreciate your upbeat yet condescending post.”
“P.S. It’s “lose”, not “loose”.”
Pot calling the kettle black, wouldn’t you say? Without knowing Kathleen, who was trying to be helpful, you labeled her post condescending and felt the need to correct her spelling. Why? B*tchy if you ask me.
“P.S. Sorry to disappoint, but men don’t run from me. I’m just picky and haven’t met the right one.”
I was a miserable teenager. I didn’t like people much. One of my defense mechanisms was to reject people as friends before they had a chance to reject me.
Your “pickiness” is probably YOUR defense mechanism. Reject men before they can reject you. Because deep down, you know they may reject you. So why not do a pre-emptive rejection and feel falsely empowered?
I agree that “The online world is inherently not capable of full human expression, both verbally and non-verbally hence, it’s profound limitations.” (Very well put, btw) — But you are in denial about your b*tchiness.
I stand by what I originally wrote, you need to adjust your attitude if you want to find a man to love you. Put more conscious thought into your postings; if you want to come across as nice and positive, use nice and positive words. If that is a struggle, guess what? Your default setting isn’t nice or positive. And you should ask yourself if you do this on dates, too. I’m sorry if I sound mean. Just calling it like I see it.
Christine says
Well, I wonder if online dating is that feasible for any older woman in her 30s such as myself. On one hand, I’m too old for the mainstream dating sites such as match.com–but on the other, I’m still too young for the “mature” or “senior” dating niche sites that are available as well (which start at 40). After years of trying, I think online dating works best for the 20-somethings, but I might get back on to one site just in case there is any man out there willing to give a 30-something a chance. I wish that my 30-something peers would just give me a chance but, rather than railing against the rules of the game I’ve learned to just adapt to them. I’m still trying to decide whether to hold out for a 30-something, or settle for an old man in his late 30s or early 40s. Theoretically I would prefer a man around my own age, to have common life experiences and references. However, I’m trying to be more openminded and think that perhaps I can still be happy with an older man, even if that’s not what I thought my happy ending would look like.
Karmic Equation says
@Christine 102
I have two colleagues that I know of who married their Match.com dates. One is in her late 30’s. The other was in her 60’s.
You can find someone there I’m sure, particularly if you’re photogenic 🙂 — Alas, while I’m attractive in person, I have the way I look in pictures. I don’t lack for male attention live. And I’m sure if I dated online, that would be an ego-killer for me!
Good luck. Don’t give up hope. I think you should try it.
marymary says
Thanks for the shout out karmic but he hasn’t proposed yet! It,s what we are aiming at and he has mentioned it, but we haven’t been dating long enough.
i don’t think age is such a big barrier. If all twenty five year olds are finding it so easy to get married, then there wouldn’t be any older singles. I also think it,s less uncommon for men to date and even marry older women. want the ones who want you and while I certainly made eyes at men older than me, it was the boyfriend who was interested.
as for common life references I was such a late developer and we were both brought up in Christian homes so that is a non issue. Do people really spend that much time talking about pop music?
Christine says
Karmic Equation @ 103, thanks for the encouragement! I guess I’m just frustrated and burned out but I think I’ll eventually find it within myself to try again–because I also don’t see an alternative (if there was an alternative to dating, I’d use it). I just have to learn to stop taking it so personally and stop letting it kill my confidence so much. I used to think of myself as a relatively young and attractive person but online dating killed a lot of my self-esteem, when I repeatedly kept seeing the guys I liked going for younger women. Well, I’m trying not to let that affect me so much and to feel valuable independent of what some strangers think of me (which they really are). Alas, how I look in photos tends to be hit or miss! (however, once in a while when I hit the right angle(s) I can clean up decently in photos!)
I felt better after looking at New York Times wedding announcements and seeing women in their thirties and beyond somehow still getting married to men around their age. Maybe there are men out there who actually want to marry their peers (but most of them just aren’t online). There were twenty something brides too but, I noticed most of them were getting married to men in THEIR twenties as well. That made me think that perhaps all the talk about women in their twenties snapping up the good older men might be overstated–or else you would think that there would be more marriages between the older men in their thirties and young women in their twenties. Not that the New York Times may necessarily be a representative sample, but it made me think that perhaps there is a chance for me.
OCmusicman says
@JB #28: Thank you for what I felt to be the most insightful post in the conversation…albeit from the male perspective.
Four years ago I had some experience on that well-known dating website with the personality profiles and “29 dimensions of compatibility.” I was 49 at the time, and set my age parameters as 44 to 54. I have a master’s degree, two jobs, work out daily, own my own home, and I worked very hard on creating a good, well-written profile (with good pictures and valuable assistance regarding content from both my sister and a female colleague at work). The final result? I was rejected or ignored by approximately 900 women. I suspect that my fatal flaw was my height, at an honest 5-foot-7.
It’s amazing how women feel so comfortable rejecting men for circumstances out of their control (like height) but complain vehemently when men do the same (for age). Given that my height is a drawback for many, I have tried to compensate by being open-minded in my dating choices. Unfortunately, I have not found these efforts to be reciprocated…and in fact, sometimes I’m not even given the opportunity to be open-minded, as I am rejected first. At this point, I am preparing myself mentally to be single for the “duration.”
I find myself wondering about the age range in which some of the shallowness just might lessen a bit. Remember ladies…as with height, choosing a younger age is “just a preference.”
JoJOe says
Ok, Thumbalina. When your heart is full of joy you’re nine feet tall.
Sooooooooo.. it’s in your head, not in your height. You’re not short in stature you’re short in esteem. Think tall, live tall.
Don’t think women are rejecting you for your height, you’re already taller than 80% if them. Nah, it’s in something you say or do.
I suggest you watch Jerry Lewis “The Nutty Professor”
or here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX_qNnc2_FM
Remember, it’s all in the act or should I say, who you think you are.
Lucy says
Great advice and I notice that Sara, like the men, is also applying an age restriction, in that she won’t look at men older than herself.
In the end, we have to have faith and keep going, being sure to show what makes us unique and then the right man will see it wasn’t about age in the first place.
The same could be said for the reverse. Age disappears when the right one comes along. Online dating just makes it a little trickier, it’s something to be aware of, but not defeated by. It’s a computer system, we just have to be clever but always (in my view) truthful.
coocookie says
I do think there’s somewhat of an obsession with age here — it shows if one feels it necessary to lie about one’s age in an online profile. I wouldn’t do that, and I would change my mind about a man who would and also think less of a woman who did. Why can’t people embrace their age? Even if they actually “don’t” look it (very subjective lol), they “are” their true age. Why would anyone want to attract someone to a false you? What a basis for a beginning — I don’t do that and I have enough men responding to my profile, although probably not as much as when I was a decade or two younger (I’m in my late 50’s). But that’s okay — I was young and hot and yes men were attracted to me for all the wrong reasons and it was exhausting and often hurtful, to be frank. Right now, at 59, I’m communicating with a man 49 online, simply because he likes me and must find me attractive (no I’m not rich haha) but yes I am attractive FOR MY AGE. I don’t claim to “look so much younger” “act so much younger,” blah blah blah which sounds insecure to me and pathetic. I can’t believe how many men post that! It’s a turn-off. Ridiculous imo. Embrace your age and be yourself and attract someone to the real you! Imagine that lol. If you post recent photos, others can see the real you and decide for themselves if they are attracted to you.
mike says
I have to chuckle at the ladies complaining about how shallow the guys are and how they have issues because they want to date younger women. OkCupid has done a lot of research on dating and it’s turned out it’s the girls with the highest expectations, not the men. Of the women , they considered 80% of the men on the site as “Unattractive” and would not date a guy under 6′ even if they were 5’2″. Just this one requirement alone narrows the man market down to 14.5% ( the percentage of men in the United States are six feet tall or greater) When you take into account the percentages of men who are otherwise unatractive, too old, too young, Gay or already married in this 14.5 % it’s probably down to only 5% of the male population are deemed worthy.
Gary Snyder says
The dating pool shrinks for women over 50 – men don’t live as long. Furthermore, women loose more of one of their two major powers they enjoy in their youth: beauty. This is really just common sense. It’s not rocket science!
Michael says
Wow. Same old . same old , men bad , women good , now I remember why I prefer to stay single and alone.
Malcolm says
When on a dating site, I make sure to check for Women who address this age issue by listing theirs as . . . “99”.
There’s something about that attitude . . . that I sort of like.
hazel says
At 59 single female time is not just running out, its already ran out! Sod it jyst get yourself a cat instead. Animals are innocent and can give and receive love uncondtionally. They are loyal and make good companions. Unlike some of the 59 years old men ive met on online dating. Some expect miracles from a female tgeir own age and i can’t tolerate their boring conversation. If i was younger i may have had a higher tolerance threshold but now i only need to listen for 10inutes and i can but wonder how their ex wives/partners ever put up with them for so long. Cats are usually much better looking whilst also being closer to natureand are things of great beauty..forget it guys, the cat and i intend to have awonderful life together albeit well into our old age!!
Elizabeth says
I do not lie – about my age (61), my job, my health, what I seek, anything, but a lot of men on okcupid (the online dating site I’m on) lie terribly. Their photos are either decades out or current but with an age that is blatantly wrong (65 year olds calling themselves 45). One guy who I struck up a conversation with said he was 55 in his profile, but turned out to be 80 and in a nursing home. He was looking for a carer and thought he’d found one in me. Talk about missing the mark, on a whole range of levels. I am still in the prime of my life and I am finally confident to say what I mean and mean what I say. I am not looking for marriage (been there, done that), nor a live-in arrangement (done that as well): a concept that most men I talk with just don’t “get”.
I get a lot of posts from men living overseas who apparently have this idea that I will drop everything just to be with someone, anyone. As I’ve said before, I am probably more particular than I ever used to be. The reason is I am not looking to be cared for, nor to care for others; I am looking for a comfortable gentleness that isn’t binding nor dependent on us living together. I know these relationships exist, so do not feel I am wishing for a fantasy. Anyway, I shall keep on trying.
Buck25 says
I regret the two years I wasted on this. Some of you ladies have correctly summed up your own problem. Some others have amplified that.As a 66 year old male who fits NONE of the stereotypes bandied about on this blog (you know which ones, because you’ve all read them, and not ONE of you has seen fit to call out a single one) . I realize you don’t care since after all, any man my age, now matter that he is NOT “short, fat, bald, completely out-of-shape, impotent without Viagra, and otherwise completely a failure in life and love, now looking for a nurse and a purse”. is completely useless in your sight unless you yourself are fat, and over 70 and look every day of it. After all, I, or any other man my age regardless of intellect, success, or anything else, is ONLY an AGE, and therefore not a real person with real feelings. I’m not going to go with the equivalent stereotypes about women (Evan would ban those anyway). Just an observation on that vaunted female empathy, which so few of you seem to possess. I doubt you’re actually capable of love or ANYTHING LIKE IT, JUST SHEER, UNADULTERATED HATE.Well, not to worry. I will never waste one more moment on any woman over 50. You don’t deserve one. Fortunately one of the perks of success for a man, is having other options. I will exercise those, and all your scowls of disapproval will get you a smirk, and the same loving consideration you have shown. Have your bile, venom, vindictive attitudes, and comments, wrapped in a neat little ball of entitlelement. You AREN”T special, you have an over-estimation of your own value. and NONE of you are worth one second of my life. I can generalize too, based on what I’ve read here. I’ve given up on wasting my time, on an single one of you, and I do hope the slightly younger guys have noticed how you will feel about them in ten years. They are free to make their own decisions, based on that. I only wish I’d come here earlier, as I could have saved myself a great deal of wasted effort. I also observe how many 50 something women feel entitled to a younger man. Good luck with that.Take your nitpicking and your shopping list to someone who cares. I never want a long term relationship again, not with ANY of you, you don’t deserve one! When I came to this world, I actually liked women. Not anymore. I wrote a good profile, got in shape (BMI 22.9-see how many 45 year old men can match that) and only emailed women whose specifications I met. So much for that. Good luck with being so picky; I can be quite happy with younger women who actually appreciate what I can give them. I can buy what I need, but YOU can’t buy commitment, so good luck with that! You didn’t win, ladies, I did! You had your chance, Now, There will be no second chance, not for any woman of your generation. In my sight you are as worthless as I am in yours. I think that’s as fair, as the things you’ve said here. I’m out of here, and out of your delusional online games. You wonder why men do this? You drive them to it! Enjoy your life, hopefully alone and miserable, I wish none of you any good, and I will make it a point to rub those younger better looking women on my arm in your ugly, entitled faces, so long as I can. Isn’t that what you in effect said to me? I no longer care a whit what any of you think! I hope you choke on it!.You think because you’re a woman, any man should feel lucky to have you, no matter how much you let yourselves go.I’m not that desperate,and I wouldn’t touch a single woman of my generation, if you were the last female on the planet. The women of my generation do not deserve anything, except a lonely old age, and I hope you all get just that! After what you’ve said and cheered on here,go find your 40 year old, I hope he cheats on you. Don’t go away mad, just…go away. That’s no worse that what you and Evan have cheered on here. You are as completely unacceptable to me, as I am to you, and that means all of you, cyberspace or real world. I’m done with ALL of you. Oh and to Nathan, that young fawner who tells you what you want to believe, Nathan, when you have been to war, and come back and had to wonder why your buddies didn’t. you might have learned the real meaning of self awareness; until then, little boy, (you’re NOT a man) you don’t know what you prattle about, You’ve never answered the call of duty, in your little “me, me, me” life. What I got for that, too, was curses and spit, from women you admire. Let me know, when you can be a pert of something bigger than your self-indulgent child self! Ss for you 50 + females, I will make it my mission, to be as offensive to you as you are to me. I hope that’s clear.
Lily says
You sound like you might be a potential serial killer. That’s probably one of the most toxic posts I’ve ever read. Congratulations.
Theresa says
Im 50 and have found this to be true also…. But, I took Evans advice and changed up my profile. Ive read many of his blogs and have found his advice to be right on! I added a little flirt and tried use more engaging information. I’ve always had a lot of men look but not write. I changed my profile headline and in one week received 45 emails! No kidding. Several were men I was interested in who had looked but never contacted me. My original headline was,”Timing is everything”. I changed it to,”I kiss better than I cook”. it really opened the door. Thank you Evan
David says
I’m 62 and I love women my age. I think an older, mature, intelligent woman is so desirable and an absolute pleasure to be with, to experience things with, and be intimate with. Just so you know, I’m HWP, considered good looking and not crazy. The next time you’re in a park and see a man by himself with his dog, go up and say “hi.” Don’t know what made me make a comment about this. Be the aggressor if you like what you see and want to know more. A lot of men my age just might be a little gun shy, and only needs a little encouragement to loosen up to you.
Malcolm Boyce says
Having read some of the comments regarding dating sites ages etc. all I can say is what a load of cobblers.
I’m 69 not your usual over 60 by any means, very attractive or so I’m told, quite fit very active and younger than my years would suggest.
Yet go on a dating site as I am and instantly I’m classed as to old passed my sell by date can’t perform.
Why simple to many young guys willing to please the willy wetters on these sites, the more mature woman who is often the one who says she can’t find someone there own age who is interested (bull s—)
They don’t want men there own age or older, my profile clearly states my age and the age range of the woman I am looking at.
In fact when I read women’s profiles it states on them the age range they want and let me tell you it’s never older always younger and by quite some margin in some cases.
For myself I don’t even look at women younger than 58/60 as I know they won’t be interested in me.
And even if I do say so myself I am not a bad prospect for any woman like I said I’m considered very attractive tall well built and no hang ups but unfortunately the women of today seem to only want young studs.
Like I said earlier in this tirade (willy wetter’s) the young men’s name for the older or should I say the more mature prospects of dating sites.
Sandra says
I’m in my 40’s and I feel a bit left out too, thing is I get a tonne of mail from men in their 50’s and 60’s (and I’ve been viewed all the way up to 77yo!). I wish I could stop them viewing my profile, it really puts me off when I login and see that, like I’m being leered at in the street, these men are 10+ years older than I am! They are out of shape, they smoke and drink and don’t exercise (I’m a gym junkie with the lung age of 25, I’d probably kill them if they ever managed to bed me), and they’re flat broke looking to me to support them, lots want me to have their babies too (some already have teen dependents)! They listen to my parents music, they go ballroom dancing (ack), they tell me how atypical and young they are for their age and can’t I make an exception and they just flat out lie, I get a lot of mail from men in their “40’s” who look older than the men in their 50’s, no no never! It’s like being 18 and getting hit on my men in their 40’s all over again.
I had to cut 40’s from my ideal partner preference altogether to stop being matched with them and now I’m reverse searching men a couple of years younger and talking to them instead, I’ve had to write off men in their “40’s” because that pool online is so contaminated with boomers pretending to be 20 years younger. I’m really sick of it. I’m betting the men my age have done the same thing, online they snub me (assuming I’m really 55?), offline they’re chatting me up.
I have NO BABY BOOMERS in bold top of my profile, they still view and they still message. I called one on it and he back peddled, said he was only looking for friendship (he approached me for dating) and that he knew “lots of fabulous women in their 50’s” well why isn’t he messaging them instead?
Just because these men are messaging younger women doesn’t mean we are replying, they aren’t welcome in my inbox, they’re in creepy old man territory round my way. On the bright side if they’re on the net all day at least I’m not running into them offline.
JoJOe says
Sandra, Welcome to the Sears 101 catalog. It comes to your door free and you flip through it at your leisure. You place an order to see if it’s in stock. If not, you go grocery shopping and do your hair. That’s pretty easy and you just have to put the catalog on the table and go about your business.
Your friends will come over and flip through it, you’ll be talking on the phone and flip through it, you’ll be bored, sad, happy, and flip through it.
You’re not going to like what is on every page, so you keep flipping.
That’s what we all do with a catalog Sandra, flip N’ order. C’est tout.
We don’t go ripping up pages and throwing it at the wall if we can’t find what we like, we just keep flipping or we go for a walk or get a new catalog from another store.
So don’t breath in too much hot air into your 25 yr old lungs, you might float away and miss out on what’s on page 337.
Don’t be bashful, shop away like we all do.
And as far as not seeing them “offline” or more rather in line, in Sears.
You’ve not noticed them, that’s all. But they are there, around every corner.
So you can treat the online catalog as such. Just use a bit of discretion please, you’re dealing with human kind, kinda like mmm you. non?
Ken says
Read actual stats from on-line dating sites. Men may prefer younger women, but they still write to attractive women within a couple of yeers of their age, but women still believe they are attractive to younger men and ignore messages from men about their age or a bit older. Data shows that women in their 50s response rate to men 2 years younger is 5X the rate of men 2 years older. Women considerably over rate themselves and under rate men. Women are also flattered and impressed by the ton of messages from men 10 to 20 years younger who are just hitting on them. Just what a woman needs – a bigger ego.
I’m a very attractive (told so all the time) fit 60 yo man who passes for under 50 routinely. I joined Match when I was 58 and I’d receive perhaps 4 messages a month from women 3 to 5 years younger and a response rate of 15% to my messages within the age range 52 -58). I meet 35 women in the first 6 months and just couldn’t find a good match, though I dated 3 (about 1/3rd of the time the lady wasn’t interested in me). After a 6-moth break from match I returned, posting my age 60: I’m now in the toilet. I receive plenty of messages from women who are over 65. Women in their 50s do not even view my profile, even though I look much younger than they do. My response rate to women in the 54-58 range is now less than 5%.
OLD forces one to lie about age, because one is deselected. Reading the complaints from women in their 50s is absurd. Just look at the age range selected of the average match profile (women 55) of ’44 to 54′. Yes they fail badly in that age range (what do they expect?). OLD clearly show that middle age women are far worse than men in seeking the younger age. In fact data shows that the average age men write to is their own age while women write to men 2 years younger. But who knows anymore with nearly everyone lying in their profile?
Chris says
Mid-50s guy here who has spent time on Match. I’m looking for women close to my age, not close to my daughter’s age. So not 40, or even 45. I see a common denominator in the usually-nice women that I meet but don’t have success with. (Ok, the common denominator other than me.) Divorced middle-aged women wish to be dazzled. They have higher standards than my wife did at 26, eons ago. They can even argue that they deserve this or that after having lived through a marriage and a divorce. They often claim that they are quite content being single; that’s a dare to try to impress them.
So, the status quo is attractive to middle-aged women. They ain’t hungry. A couple specific women I know used to congratulate each other on not settling; I see them as trying to fail.
Donald King says
A)Online dating is a huge scam. B)Most dating services lie about the number of clients, they,just want your money. I have been on at least 15 dates in the past 9 months related to either on line dating or a dating service. At 60, I’m seeking the open minded, fun/silly who is or has been paying attention to her physical appearance. She can be 50 or 60. I’m looking for the woman that isn’t interested in going to lunch with her mom. If she has kids, that’s fine just let them live their lives. It’s time to let go and venture out, just because your “x” years old doesn’t mean you can’t get out and enjoy and experience. Live, love and laugh. Where’ this person is, I haven’t any idea.
Libby says
I guess all these email’s stands to reason that there is no definition as to who likes what, we are all different with different experiences and that’s what makes us interesting and the dating game exciting.
Sheila says
Sam…”Actually there is a woman…” …a lot of life happens in 12 months. It sounds like your heart is holding onto the hope of a re-connection in 12 months…when she returns. But – you might want to keep in mind that in those 12 months she will likely grow as a person and hopefully – you will too.
Life is short. I believe in a ‘carpe diem’ approach to life – live in the present moment –
If you and the woman who is not available now – are meant to be together then you will.
In the meantime – taking time to really cultivate friendships that can be mutually enriching – will be a way to not put your life on hold.
All the best to you. May love find you when you least expect.
Sheila
TP says
After reading all this, it simply reminds me of dating many years ago. Everyone expecting something unrealistic. Everyone wants something that simply isn’t going to happen. When everyone comes down to earth and realizes that we are not the hunk or the babe we actually might find a good friend. Great sex is a learned technique. If we spent more time trying to be better friends and worried less about the former, you might actually get the former. Biggest thing is neither sex wants someone to approach the other. Until you get past that and actually invest yourself into a friendship first, you will be spinning your wheels for years to come. Like one man…..I spend time with my hobbies and have a rewarding life without a female. Most see my hobby as a way to impress someone else. I see it as a way to enjoy what I have worked for. Shame to think we have reached this low point at the best time of our life.
John says
I can relate with Sara as she almost perfectly described what men also go through when they are handsome therefore use to having attractive women swoon about them yet, when that NUMBER gets in the way, well, Cougars who are the sexiest ones, are looking for younger men. I personally would much prefer a woman my age because of nostalgia historical interests. Yes, I have a strong libido but it doesn’t need a much younger woman to fulfill it. Been there done that thru marrying for 14 years someone 18 years younger. So there you go. Would not do this again. I’d much prefer the company of a lady who can recall, well, the 1960s.
Lily says
@john, how refreshing you are! This gives me hope. I love to connect around nostalgia too. I really do feel most attracted to healthy, vibrant men my own age. Hot younger guys… zzzzzzz
Mokgaetjie says
Thanks for your advise. I always thought on line dating is for week minded people. After my two children got married i feared dating again and the sad part is my body does not match my age and attract young men than men of my age. A friend advise me to go online but my question is how true are the people, will i ever get love at my age. Thank you for the article you opened my eyes.
Sassy says
Even Evan didn’t meet his “older wife,” (when he said he didn’t want to date older than him on his Match.com profile) on a dating site. Sara mentioned that she found it easier, or the “playing field was leveled” when she met men in person because they didn’t see her age – first. Evan didn’t want an older woman, but that didn’t matter when he met someone he really was into IN PERSON, first. That’s why, as an older woman myself – it’s time for me to get back into off-line dating. I look about 10 years younger, so when I tested lowering my age (to baby making ages) online (after I wasn’t receiving a lot of responses) I was contacted more often and treated with more respect. That’s because the man wants to keep his future baby making options open, even if he ends up not wanting to have kids, and he really hopes you’ll pick him. However, when you meet someone off-line, they’re meeting YOU – not your future baby making possibilities, not your age, not any of the things they can see on your on-line profile to turn them off. They see how you move, your voice, and all your physical attributes right away. There’s no turn-off, once they’ve been turned on. If it is very important to the man you meet outside of an online dating site that you can pro-create, he would say it up front. So men judging women, by their age, online is ridiculous because who is to say the 20 or 30 year old can even conceive? These men are just rejecting, too quickly, on faulty logic. And they’re staying single, because of it — even when they say they want relationships. It’s very unfortunate because I’ve seen the same men over and over again — having very short (if any) relationships. A commenter, Sam, said he was raked over by his ex-wife and so he’s not really interested in a relationship — even though his profile probably suggests he’s looking for one. And that’s ANOTHER reason why older men are not available to older women — they’re NOT interested in having ANY serious relationship. And if they do, they want it with someone who is younger and whom they believe they can control, train, lead, etc. An older woman can equal a stronger woman who didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, and since a lot of these men already found that strength and street intelligence — in the woman they got divorced from… they do not want a repeat. And since these men don’t need your money, but just sex / companionship and can date younger (or at least think they can) — they keep trying to get free sex off these dating sites, but with no commitment. Ladies, my advice to you is: Get off the online sites, and back into the real world. Force yourself to engage in a weekly activity, where there is a healthy number of men in the group, and where you get to know these men over a period of time so they will skip over your age, and any other questionable physical attributes and focus more on how they feel when they’re around you, your shared interests, etc. etc. It also doesn’t hurt if they wear glasses. Just kidding. Maybe not. LOL
Sassy says
@122 Donald King — Yikes. This person probably doesn’t exist, and if she does she is likely to be one lonely woman. And I hope you are her light. But let me get this straight: You want a woman who doesn’t have a support system? Doesn’t connect with her family? Doesn’t have responsibilities, but she’s is 50-60 with children who are likely to be on the cusp of starting their own families, and still want Mom to be in the picture? Okay. Maybe I’m taking that too far. But it seems like you want her to be about: Fun, Fun, Fun when at that age — there are considerations to be had. How about a compromise? She cares about her kids, spends time with her family and aging Mother (God bless this 50-60 year old woman, who cares), and she ALSO enjoys a life with and without you. You know… accept that she is responsible, but still is ready to have some fun. Suggestion: Don’t look at her like she should be 20 or something, when she’s in her later years. Adjust your expectations. And Good luck.
kieranj61 says
I agree like you, I want to leave my past in the past. But, no matter how much use men make the effort to avoid talking about that past, woman will always drag the past up (about use men) when things go wrong, without analyzing the full scenario
NewlyMarriedWoman says
Just want to say to the 50+ ladies reading this column that I went on an online coffee first date when I was 51. I am now Mrs. Him. He is 2 years younger than I am, so 49 on that first date. The best men do not want to date their daughter’s generation. If you are getting fewer hits, try to think of it as the rats filtering themselves out. The good guys will be happy to find a peer.
Earl Larrabee says
Dear person who posted this. I am so glad to hear that a woman is having trouble being considered attractive by guys her age. it looks like the “playing” field is finally LEVELLED. Men live through this their entire lives…up until I guess…about 50! Funny that you mention you don’t want to date older men…because….hmmmm you are not attracted to them? Well shucks…men your age are no longer attracted to you! looks like you are going to have to do what all those “loser” men did that you blew off in your 20’s 30’s and 40s. Try buying them flowers….maybe read books or get advice from dating coach. Hit the GYM? haha…completely change yourself so that you can be your BEST self. Buy men gifts…Be successful in every aspect of your life…and dont forget to be confident at ALL TIMES. your clock is ticking…perhaps pick up a new hobby so that men can be drawn to you for it! You dont NEED a man…you can be PERFECTLY happy alone and independent…isn’t that what men have been told their entire lives.
I am totally going to keep in contact with women throughout my life so that I can enjoy this pristine age…amd hear all about what thy are going to have to say!
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nancy Riley says
Who would want to date this guy if he was the last man on earth???? Most of the men I know aren’t having any luck online either and have been on there for years…pretending that men are having a great time dating in there fifties is hard for them as well because the women they think they want DONT WANT THEM. The George Clooneys of the world are the only men that get to pick and choose…Honey…you aren’t one of them!!!! I get asked out primarily by younger men in their thirties so maybe its time to just go for it!!!
Sabrina says
Lying about one’s age or anything else is not a good idea. Would you want someone to lie to you? Not a fan of the online dating/industrial complex because it puts too much pressure on people, and there’s too much sizing up and judging going on and if one objects to being dehumanized then they’re told they have a “bad attitude.” Once bitten, twice shy, I suppose. I suspect the success in online dating comes from persistence, not taking things personally and eventually settling lol
Nancy Riley says
When I got divorced at 45 I had tons of men online asking me out….now at 56 the emails are few . I have great photos, I am attractive and young looking, I am in decent shape and do work out daily. The men I have met don’t even pick up the bill and expect to split it!!! That never happened in my forties…..the pool is very small and the men are really unattractive. I think I have had enough !!! I don’t need to go sit with some super unattractive , fat man with no class ever again.
Whatevershesaid says
I understand how you feel, and I am sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. I am about to turn 50 in a few months, and I too have had enough. You are not alone, and you don’t need losers like this!
Johnny boy says
Match.com is age bias. They only want younger people on their site to give them an upbeat LOOK~!
Whatevershesaid says
I am turning 50 in about 6 months, and I haven’t had a real relationship since I was in my 30s. I really had hoped to meet someone and get married, have children, etc.. Well, it never happened, and here I am almost 50.
While I am told that I am still an attractive woman for my age, men haven’t acknowledged me since I was in my mid 40s. As a result, my friends encouraged me to try online dating. I thought it would be a great way to meet new people, but online dating was the most depressing experience I’ve ever had. It literally broke my heart.
First, there were the men that would just send endless emails back and forth for weeks on end, and they’d never ask to meet. I didn’t understand. Why did these men just want to talk to me but not meet me? I was spending a lot of time responding to these messages, and I realized this was a waste of time – so I stopped responding. I decided to note on my profile – no pen pals!
Then there were the guys that would seem very, very interested, wanted to talk to you right away, but then I never heard from them again after many messages or phone calls. Of course, I sat and wondered, “What did I do or say?” The fact is, they were probably talking to TONS of other women, and I didn;t make the cut. Why?
Then there were the select few that asked to meet me in person. None of them worked out. Only two ever asked to see me again, but they weren’t right for me. Then there were the men that just wanted to sleep with me and nothing more even though I made it clear in my profile that I was looking for a long term, serious, monogamous relationship. They were obvious. They went on about how I looked, complimented my figure, and one even asked me to “stand up and turn around for me…” Somehow I was attractive enough to sleep with, but I wasn’t relationship material for some reason.
The worst experience came when a couple of the dates made comments like, “You know I don’t usually date older women” (they were both about 5 – 10 years older than I was). There was one date in particular who actually looked crest fallen when he saw me. I guess I didn’t look good enough in person. I don’ t know. I could tell that he was just trying to get through the date and be polite. I felt so ashamed and so embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under the table or click my heels together and be magically transported somewhere – anywhere – else. With that, I’d had enough. I had spent over a year trying to meet someone via online dating, and it just wasn’t working.
This was all last year. I have since taken down my profile, and I have accepted that this part of my life is over now. I will grow old alone, and I am coming to terms with that. I can no longer subject myself to the humiliation. My heart has been broken, and it’s just too painful to keep subjecting myself to this. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I know it wasn’t my profile, and I know it wasn’t anything that I did.
Philip Harding says
Online dating sucks. I don’t what young people are doing with it, but it mostly seems a game to me, not a way to meet a serious partner. Young people (under 40) seem incredibly superficial and vain to me. They talk about their bodies with no shame or sense of mortality. For men, life is either animal and physical or digital and desensitized. Not for all young people or even most- but certainly true for people who center their dating and sexual activities via online encounters. It’s quite vulgar, come on!
For older people (I’m a 53 year old divorced male, skilled and well-educated but not a whole lot of money, which I don’t value) online dating is simply cruel and will slam you into a depression in a matter of minutes when you realize that you have lost that person you’ve pinned so much hopes on. It is true men tend to go for women younger than them. I’d say ten years is not odd. I think, in the absence of a real body and a real voice and face, it’s biological, not egoistic. I’d be more than happy than to date (to marry) a woman my age. But I have to see her in real life.
Many women on line will message me and start up a chat relationship. They say they want to get married- usually they’re divorced too and between 35 and 45 (they are writing me) but they don’t. It’s all cold feet or just playing games. It’s disgusting and very cruel. I’ve had it. I’m becoming misogynous.
I’m done with online dating. The trouble is, I cannot find women offline either. I’m shy and 53. Not so bad looking, but 53. I dread getting old alone and dying alone, but maybe that’s God’s plan for me. I sure have tried to find a loving partner I can cherish. It seems that no one wants to be cherished. Everyone is unhappy and malcontent.
Jessica says
This is totally true. Im 36 and the issue persists. I’m a very attractive successful woman. The guys who would be an equal partner to me in every category don’t respond when I message them, probably because they’d rather message the 22 yr old. However, I do get a lot of messages from people who are outside my search criteria in too many categories. These are the ones that message every profile they see even if it’s not the right fit.
I’m looking for a guy in my own age group (30 to 40), so it’s not like im looking for a 21 yr old.
Location I’m in is pretty rural and my career keeps me pretty busy which is why I’m trying online.
potsy says
wrong, older men have far less opportunities than women do once they reach late 40s. we start becoming completely irrelevant to women as a whole it seems even if we’re decent looking. women want slightly older men but not men 50 and up
Martin says
Perhaps I shouldn’t say much, but as a 72 year old guy, I’d say that many middle aged and older guys seem ‘fixated’ on younger women. They don’t know what they are missing:
Older women are more mature and more likely to have similar ‘take’ on life.
Older women generally aren’t busting to have children. Something most older guys have done, got the T-shirt, and don’t want to do it all over again.
Older women are more likely to have learned about relationships and dare I say know how to be more into saying what they want. And they are often very good in bed. Experience counts!
I’ve probably said to much already….
A huge age gap doesn’t often work.
James says
And for many of us men that are really up there in age which it just keeps getting worse as we keep getting older since many of us men that are still single are really not single by choice either.
bertie says
no
James says
Well looking for love today really sucks altogether, especially when you’re so much older. And being married at one time myself which unfortunately my ex wife turned out to be a real low life pathetic loser since she cheated on me which really was very devastating for me. Looking for love again isn’t that easy at all like it use to be years ago, when love came very easy in the old days with no problem at all. Today you really have to be very blessed to find love since we live in a very completely different time since most of the women nowadays just don’t want a relationship anymore like they once did which really explains why so many of us older men are still single today. There are many of us men that would really love to have a relationship all over again if we were really given that chance again.
Lynx says
This is a little off-topic from the previous comments, but does anyone ever say they look their actual age?!!
Again and again, I read both men and women writing how, “I look young for my age”.
If we ALL look young, is there a chance we simpky look our age?
Emily, the original says
Lynx
This is a little off-topic from the previous comments, but does anyone ever say they look their actual age?!!
Some posters on this site describe themselves as looking young for their age and having numerous sexual options who threaten to throw themselves off tall buildings if they won’t have sex with them. 🙂
Lem says
Older men don’t have more options. That’s a myth from days when only men worked and women missed their windows.
These days women are holding out for the bigger, better deal. They’re being marketed to by buzzfeed articles that tell them it’s fine to have babies at 50 because it’s the new 30. So there’s no rush to settle for just any man.
The internet seems to think that older men want to bang 22-year-old grad school candidates with big boobs and an over-stamped passport. Almost no man wants that girl after 30 unless he has “new money” and he has no dating experience.
Older men want stable women for feminine companionship. Not professional complainers endlessly searching for the world to validate them and their masculine accomplishments.
Masculine and feminine give to each other. You people are letting media driven gender politics from a bunch of power-thirsty marketeers, politicians, and insecure adolescents define your identity for you. It’s poisoning your ability to accept ANY relationship at all.
Robyn says
Michael: SOME women are attracted to money, power and fame, not all, by a long shot. I whole-heartedly feel that the men who repeat this saw (and there are MANY on online dating sites and in comment sections everyone online), are those men who are constantly chasing after much younger women. So yeah, the only thing the vast majority of young, hot women see in older men are the things you’ve mentioned. Sorry, but it’s true. Why else would they want to date some man as old as their grandfather when they can have their pick of much younger men? It’s just common sense. Even if these women are in your age range and they’re super hot and know it, then yeah, you’d better be a 10 or maybe even an 11 in some form or you’re never going to get anywhere with them, they’ve got way too many options. I’ve seen young, early 20 something aged women complain that they got so many messages on dating sites that they couldn’t even open them all…didn’t have the time there were that many, and more coming in every day! I’m 56 and don’t even get one a week sometimes, so I can’t relate, lol.
Men can say all they want about women being picky, and yes, sometimes some women have unfair standards (the height and baldness things)..but it’s a drop in the bucket compared to what it appears the majority of men online expect. Which is that they expect to be able to get women 10-20 yrs younger than them, no matter what their age. Case in point, I cannot get a date a with men my own age, but I sure do get men 68-75 messaging me. Wouldn’t you think that once they get that age they’d be looking to date in their own age range? Nope, STILL trying for women at least 15 yrs younger than them. Folks, I think the real, forgotten age group who is truly left behind online is the women over 65….there aren’t many men still living old enough to want to date them. I’ve actually had a couple men in their 80’s viewing my profile. At least I’m popular with someone. 😉
Imagen Gowan says
I’ve just written something extremely similar on Twitter. Online dating simply isn’t working – not because I can’t find a date or I can’t be bothered to really try – plenty of men are interested in me, but they aren’t suitable, they’re not my type and I don’t fancy them. Moreover, the men I do like – and there are a fair few – are not interested in me back. I can never seem to find a balance. After eight years I’ve had enough!