How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

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I haven’t found a solution for this. How does a 56 year old man find a good younger woman that would be interested in marriage and willing to have children by him? She would need to be 36 to 38. Most good sites line me up with the 50 year olds and most 36 year olds tend to think I’m a dirty old man.   I know that such a person exists but can’t find a good avenue to find her. I am fairly well to do and well educated.

Dale

Thank you, Dale, for acknowledging a few very common truths from the world of online dating.

You’re a successful older man who wants to date a woman significantly younger than him.

Websites generally attempt to pair singles with matches who are demographically similar.

Most 36-year-old women think you’re a dirty old man.

Now you’re going to get the same song and dance as every other guy who has written to complain about women on the Internet. I’m going to put you in HER shoes.

So let’s say you’re a 36-year-old woman, entering the prime of your life. You’re done with the bar scene and you’re very much interested in settling down to have a family of your own. How do you set your search criteria? Well, if you’re born in 1971, you’re part of Generation X. You went to high school in the 80’s. Your friends are buying their first houses and having their first kids. You probably want something that looks similar. So you search for men 35-45. Yeah, 45 is a little old, you say, but you want to be open-minded. Maybe he’ll still be vigorous enough to keep up with your active lifestyle.

And then you, the 36-year-old woman, post your profile, and what happens? You get BOMBARDED by emails from fifty and sixty something Baby Boomers looking to trade up in the world. You double check your profile to see if there’s something you wrote that’s attracting these older men. You remove that reference to Steely Dan. You cut how you want to travel in style. Yet these men keep on writing — talking about how they’re young for their age, how they’d love to have children, how they have everything in life except a good younger woman.

If you’re 36, you’re pretty darned confused by these emails. By the time you have your first child, you’ll be 38 or 39. Which will make him, what? 58 or 59? By the time the kid is in high school, Dad will be 74! That’s not the kind of life you imagined for yourself or your children. So you politely decline. Or, to keep things simple, you ignore. And ignore. And ignore. It doesn’t stop older men from writing, but at least you don’t have to explain yourself to a man who doesn’t want to hear your perfectly valid explanation.

Understand, Dale, there is nothing wrong with you being attracted to a fertile and youthful woman in her 30’s. Really. I’m not judging you. But you must understand that any woman you desire online has choices. Lots and lots of choices.

She can go out with a cute, successful man who is 35. Or 40. Or 45. Or 50. Are you getting the idea? This does not mean that you’re not a great guy with a ton to give and the purest intentions. It’s that you’re failing to recognize what most younger women want. A peer. A partner. Not a father figure. You’re still wrapped up in what YOU want.

Needless to say, this goes for ALL people who are dating online. … We want what WE want, even if what we want is unrealistic. We’re all so dazzled by looks and youth that we pass up amazing people who are a much better fit. Who are you going to have more in common with? The woman who graduated high school in the same year as you? Or the woman who could be your daughter?

“I can’t help what I’m attracted to,” say all of my clients — both male and female. And hey, I don’t blame them. I do know, however, that as long as they close their minds to dating people who are age-appropriate, they’re really going to struggle with online dating.

I know you were looking for advice, Dale, so I don’t want to leave you without it. As I see it, you have three options. One, sign up with one of those successful men/younger women sites. At least you know that a woman on MillionaireMatch might be more willing to sacrifice youth for security.

Next, since you can’t convince someone to date an older man, stop trying. To find out who IS interested, try Match.com’s Reverse Match. Instead of searching through hundreds of thirtysomething women who wouldn’t give you a second look, Reverse Match shows you who IS open to dating a 56-year-old man. There’ll be fewer numbers, but at least you won’t be wasting your time.

Finally, I implore you to give older women a shot. There are a lot of amazing ones out there and they are criminally underappreciated.

Let’s just hope that they don’t discriminate against men their own age.

 

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Comments:

  1. 221
    55/27

    I’ve dated women my own age and they have all turned out to be the gold diggers everyone claims younger women to be. There is an interesting fact that exists today; a woman 40 years or older has the same chance of being killed by a terrorist or hit by lighting than to get married. It’s a fact of nature, women cannot have children as they get older. So what use are they? Someone to support? The average man does not reach his professional peak until 55 years old. Women reach there peak desirability until about 27 years old!

    1. 221.1
      starthrower68

      And we are glad those younger women are there to keep anyone with such an attitude away from us.  

      1. 221.1.1
        55/27

        I assume by your user name you are 68 years old. Statistically you have 11 years before you die. I know it is a real bummer to be of little value in society. There are older women cruises and there are young men that like cougars! Meow!!!

        1. starthrower68

          Oh, I should add I had my kids already and have as about as much use for being a cougar as I do that thinks a woman’s only value is whether or not she makes him horny. Being married again isn’t important to me, so I’m perfectly content to be considered unworthy. 😉

    2. 221.2
      Henriette

      @55/27: Actually, that “fact” has been debunked. But… Thanks for trying to make women readers feel like they lose value after the age of 27. You sound like a delight.

      1. 221.2.1
        starthrower68

        Not to mention that he is off on my age by 22 years. Well, he assumed and you know what they say about those who assume. Fact of the matter is, if no one has come along by the time I hit 68, it won’t matter to me one whit whether I have any value to men or not. It really doesn’t matter now.

      2. 221.2.2
        JennLee

        Totally agree. There are too many bitter people who throw blanket statements out about men or women losing value, or being worthless after a certain age. It’s complete nonsense. Some people increase in value with age. They grow up mentally, or become financially stable, etc…

        Anyone who says that is immature, and basing the majority of their opinion on looks. This makes them lose value.

    3. 221.3
      Kristen

      Is that why my mother married a man eight years her junior at 52? :).

  2. 222
    Gemma

    Men really are very simple and women spend too much time trying to analyze them.   Regarding men who think they need a much younger woman, I have met a few, and they are ridiculous.   Move on, stop wasting your time thinking about them.   I was seeing a guy who while older than me by 8 years.   He had started our correspondence by texting me an aerial view of his 7,000 square foot McMansion built on wetlands, so I really, at that point wasn’t all that interested in him–I found his ostentatiousness a real turn off. Plus, sexually he was less than impressive.   In other words, he, like most men of an age, could not last for more than a few minutes.   As a woman, I was very forgiving, I have had a lot of great sex in my life and am just looking for more at this point, but it was still a real let down after all the phone sex.   I thought he would be really something, but, well…Anyway, he said one time when we were discussing relationships that he was looking for a woman in her late thirties to early 40s–so 20 years his junior.   Now, had I been a sensitive woman and actually interested, his words could have been quite hurtful, so it really ticked me off.   So, I called him one night and said, “You know, Joe, I have listened to what you need and I have tried to be sympathetic, but now I am going to tell you what I need.   I am just looking for a guy my age or older who can have sex like a frat boy.   All night, for hours and hours, with lots of variation.   Can you do it, Joe?”   After a rather nervous gasp and a pause, he lamely said, “Well, I guess if I could control the position.”   To which I responded, “I said like a frat boy.   No control, no pills, no one-sided climaxing after 5 minutes.   I want real sex, like I used to have sex.   Do I have to find a guy in his late 20s or early thirties for that?”   Well, needless to say, we didn’t speak much after that.   He called me once when I was on my way overseas, and that was it.   So, all I have to say is, really guys?   Is that really what you need?   And do you think those younger women really find you irresistible?   And to the men who say they date younger women because they are carefree and don’t come with baggage or expectations?   That is true, but I have dated much older men–when I was much younger–and the ones with the baggage and the expectations and the neediness are the men.   They are so afraid of getting older.   Why can’t they just accept the age they are in, instead of trying to recapture their youth?   (I read that once in an article urging women NOT to do Hormone Replacement Therapy to and accept the age they are in instead of trying to recapture their youth.   HA!   Could you imagine seeing that line in an article about men with erectile disfunction?   NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!   Older men who think they need and can keep up with a younger woman are pathetic.  

    1. 222.1
      Robert

      Wow! If I came across a woman like you with your nasty outlook on life, I turn my walker in the opposite direction as fast as I could and GTFO!

  3. 223
    Gemma

    Yes, 55/27, but a man reaches his sexual peak at 25, so…whatever.   You are clearly going through a serious midlife crisis.   Why don’t you man up and take it like a woman?

  4. 224
    Polar

    Well I was thrown on the scrapheap at 58 . I made a rule never to date anyone older than my x who was 7 years younger. I had no problems getting dates at all and in 3 years had 70+ from the internet alone.
    Now I am not an adonis by any means. Not the fit and active guy from years ago and I didn’t have sheds of cash to blow.
    Firstly my staid image was updated by my daughter in her early 20s. Secondly I made myself interesting in my profile and my first message attracted attention instead of the usual ‘Hi” or how are you.
    In fact one profile I put up had 300 replies in one week and I had to take it down . Yes 300 replies !! A 100% success rate to my outgoing messages. Not all messages took up my offer but I got replies.
    How did I achieve this ? By reading about things to do with dating/attraction/how people think.
    No magic. Just effort. And yes I dated women usually 10 to 15 years younger than me.

    All the whingers who cannot get dates or attract younger women are lazy and expect everything to be handed to them on a plate. Life isn’t like that. You have to adapt and stop being staid and boring

    Now at 65 I have been dating someone of 57 for 3 years. So proof is in the pudding !!!

  5. 225
    Helena

    Okay, I am a 51 year old woman who has a history of competitive sports and still ride 26 miles a day back and forth to work.. My problem is that the men that are interested in me are like 60- 70 plus years of age and suffering from severe age related health issues. One has gout and has to wear one sandal at all times. These guys still argue the rights of men to play women and given the chance would love a chance to play me even though at 51 that is a completely ridiculous idea to me. Imagine the visuals that brings up. The nightmare of seeking an honest relationship has truly eluded me, and it is so sad really.

  6. 226
    Robert

    I’m a 50 year old guy… after reading some of these comments, it is clear that there are many younger woman who would benefit greatly from learning the fine arts of civil discourse, tolerance and the intricacies of social consciousness from an experienced older man. Trust me… you don’t have it!

  7. 227
    Traveller

    @Evan:

    It’s clear that you’re a huge fan of matching up arbitrary numbers. But matching ages makes no more sense than matching shoe sizes.

    The problem here is not a mismatch in age. It’s a mismatch in stage of life. Which too many people assume is dictated solely by age. It’s not.

    Men simply don’t operate on the same timeline that women do. Women typically (not always, but frequently) want kids long before men do. This is what’s happening in this instance. The OP [original poster] has finally gotten around to wanting children, and all the women his age are long past that stage. So he has no choice but to look younger to find someone in the same stage of life that he is.

    This never used to be a problem. For most of history it was considered completely acceptable for an older man who had yet to have children, to marry a younger woman. It’s only in the last 50 years or so that this has gotten turned on its head and this country has become obsessed with youth and matching up ages in lockstep.

    You said “I implore you to give older women a shot.” This simply isn’t practical advice. He’s probably already tried that. Most 50-something women have NO interest in a man who wants children. Even when it’s still possible to have them. They are not in that stage of life.

    The best advice to give this guy would be to help him come up with persuasive reasons for setting aside the youth-fixation that captivates so many today, and get people to realize that a 50-year-old man can make just as good a father as a 30-year-old can.

    The argument that he will be 60 or 70 when his child graduates is not valid. So what? He’ll be the same age if he DOESN’T have kids… and deprived of a family. And nowadays, 70-year-olds are typically as vigorous as people in their 40s were a century ago.

    Pick someone by character, not by statistics. Age really is just a number. And it’s a number that shouldn’t be considered when choosing a mate. Similar goals are important. Similar numbers are not.

    1. 227.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Age is NOT really just a number. Unless you think you’re the same man at 30 as you are at 50. Most of us accumulate a lot of experience and wisdom in those years – and personally, I broke up with a 25 year old to marry a 39 year old because age was not just a number. Furthermore, you aren’t thinking of women’s needs. At all. In fact, it’s almost comical how far you’re going to make a case that holds no water.

      “The best advice to give this guy would be to help him come up with persuasive reasons for setting aside the youth-fixation that captivates so many today, and get people to realize that a 50-year-old man can make just as good a father as a 30-year-old can.”

      Um, you’re the one with the youth fixation. You may say that you’re only interested in fertility, not youth, but clearly men value youth MORE than women as evidenced by women usually being willing to date men up to 5-10 years older while men refuse to do the same.

      “The argument that he will be 60 or 70 when his child graduates is not valid. So what? He’ll be the same age if he DOESN’T have kids… and deprived of a family. And nowadays, 70-year-olds are typically as vigorous as people in their 40s were a century ago.”

      Actually, that argument is 100% valid. If you get married at 50, have a kid at 52, you are 70 when that kid graduates high school. That means that child will have a father who most likely does while he’s relatively young, it means the woman will have an old husband to take care of when she’s in her 40’s and 50’s, and neither outcome is desirable for a vigorous 30something woman.

      No one is DEPRIVING you of your RIGHT to be a father. You are owed NOTHING. Your delusional worldview that 70 is the new 50? Um, maybe 70 year olds are more vigorous than they used to be…but they’re still not as vigorous as younger men. Thus, most thirtysomething women, as you’ve already noticed, would MUCH rather marry a man who is 35 or 38 or 40 or 42 or 44 than to consider going out with a 50 year old guy. They have no incentive to. Only YOU do.

      1. 227.1.1
        starthrower68

        I know of a woman who is 57 and pregnant with twins. Obviously she is an exception, and I’m not suggesting any 50-60 year old guy should find a 57 year old woman to get pregnant. What I am saying is that most of us who had our kids at a much younger age were exhausted chasing one toddler, let alone two and being 57. Parenting is the best thing I’ve ever done but it’s no cakewalk. You think you’ve got the stamina at 60 or 70 to chase toddlers? Try dealing with them are teenagers when you’re 75-80. Even good kids will still have some rebellion and have some strength of will.

        1. Traveller

          Maybe YOU don’t have the stamina, but you don’t speak for everyone else.

          My dad at 90 is as strong as a bear and can still out-wrestle my brother and me, TOGETHER. My mother had kids in her 40’s and thought nothing of it. She runs three miles a day. At 45, I weigh only 10 pounds more than I did at 17, am in superb health and prime physical and mental condition.

          Our culture has this ridiculous 19th-century view of aging that says that all men die at 60. It simply doesn’t work like that. I have a good expectation of living to at least 100, in good health and excellent physical condition.

          I know that our society’s view is still mired in expectations that were formed centuries ago. But that’s going to have to change to keep up with the changing reality. In the middle ages, people were adults at 13 and married and having families at 15. Nowadays a woman’s average age when her first child is born is about 26, and it’s heading steadily upwards. When people expect to have to finish grad school and work for a while before getting married, it simply doesn’t make sense to insist that they have to have kids young. It’s already becoming far more common to see people with grey hair and newborns, and that trend is likely to continue. People’s expectations are going to have to change to accommodate that.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          No, YOU are the one who needs to adjust. Not society. It doesn’t matter that you look great for 45 because there are TONS of guys who look great for 35 or 40. So why should she choose you? Because you “deserve” to have a family? You should have started taking your love life seriously in your 30’s instead of complaining that women are passing you over in your 40’s. By the way, this is the EXACT same thing you’d say to a 45-year-old woman who wants to start her own family and is surprised/upset/disappointed that men aren’t giving her a shot. It doesn’t matter if you look good. You are 5-10 years older than what most 30-35 year old women are looking for.

        3. Traveller

          @Evan:

          Actually, Evan, YOU are the one who has to adjust. You are still behaving as though what is right for one person is right for all.

          Dating is not a democracy. It doesn’t matter how many people have unrealistic expectations. If you want to succeed, you have to become adept at dealing with dealing with people and selling yourself. Sometimes that means “educating the consumer” as the saying goes.

          As to why she should choose me (or anyone else), there are lots of great reasons, and the task at hand is to show her exactly WHY it would be to her advantage to get rid of her outdated notions and realize that she’s doing herself no favors by being superficial. She should choose me because I am an excellent choice, in every way, and age is irrelevant. You’re hung up on the idea that youth equals quality. It doesn’t. She’s better off with an older guy who is perfect for her and treats her well, than a younger guy who beats her up and cheats on her because he figures that he still has plenty of choices.

          This is exactly what I have seen you saying, at other times. Listen to own advice.

          And once again, you are jumping to conclusions on the basis of no facts. I _DID_ “take my love life seriously”. But the world does not always cooperate with your wishes; my wife was infertile and we struggled for many years with that. My next GF lied to me for years about wanting kids, and succeeded in putting off the issue for a long time. I simply haven’t had a chance, through no fault of my own. Sure, I would have preferred to have had kids earlier, if that had been possible, but it wasn’t. Since there’s nothing I can do about that, I’m not going to beat myself up over it, or restrict myself, just to please your ideas of what’s “age-appropriate”.

          I may be 5 or 10 years older than what most women expect, but that doesn’t make ME wrong. It simply means that their socially-determined expectations can stand revising. There was a time, not long ago, when being with someone of a different race was considered “wrong” and even illegal. The idea that someone is “bad” simply because they are older is ridiculous and outmoded, and it’s high time for us, as a society, to discard that.

        4. Evan Marc Katz

          “She’s better off with an older guy who is perfect for her and treats her well, than a younger guy who beats her up and cheats on her because he figures that he still has plenty of choices.”

          You’re assuming her choices are a 45-year-old guy who wants kids vs. a 35-year-old guy who beats her. They’re not. There are a LIMITLESS amount of 30-40-year-old men for her to consider without even having to look at you.

          This has NOTHING to do with MY ideas of what’s age appropriate. I have no horse in the race. I’m just an observer. Go on Match. Take a look at the search criteria for women 30-40. How many of them are looking for 45 year olds? I’m guessing about 5%. That’s your dating pool, man, no many how many self-righteous arguments to the contrary you make here.

          I didn’t say you are “bad” or “wrong” for wanting younger women. I’m simply pointing out that you are trying to tell women that THEY are wrong for preferring men younger than you. Except they’re not. You’re fighting a losing battle against society. As Starthrower said, this is the equivalent of obese women telling you that you “should” give them a shot. Let me know when that “educating the consumer” project takes off.

        5. Traveller

          @Evan:

          And Evan, YOU’RE assuming that a 30-40 year old guy will wind up being a better match for her just because he’s a certain age. There may be a lot of guys for her to consider, but many of them may not want to consider HER. I’m saying that I’m better for her REGARDLESS of my age.

          Yes, I agree, you and I are both picking examples at the ends of the scale to illustrate our points. But I’m doing the same thing you are, and OBSERVING that while the chances of a 45-year old man finding a 35-year-old women that wants kids are small-to-middling, his chances of finding a 45-year old woman that wants the same thing are nearly zero.

          So while trying to persuade a younger woman to give an older guy a shot may be chancy, it’s still a lot better than rolling over and playing dead. No matter how small the percentage, whether it’s 5% or anything else, it’s always a hell of a lot bigger than zero.

          And again, in case you missed it, I will repeat: I DO NOT prefer younger women. I want someone who is compatible with me, regardless of age.

          And Starthrower’s comment is appropriate, and what she suggested DOES work. I have had obese women tell me that I should give them a shot, AND I DID. Not everyone is as close-minded as you seem to think.

          I _will_ let you know how things work. So far, it’s worked three out of three times, for a 100% success rate. Admittedly that’s a small sample, but quite a bit better than your recommended technique of “give up immediately”. [You’re not French, are you? 😉 (Kidding!) ]

          What I’m telling women is very similar to much advice I’ve seen you give: Don’t be close-minded, be open to other possibilities and don’t dismiss men out of hand simply because they don’t conform to stereotypes. If you really thought that was bad advice, you wouldn’t be handing it out yourself.

          I think that one thing that’s being overlooked in this discussion is that most people’s “age ranges” are completely arbitrary and very vaguely and intermittently enforced. So the fact that only 5% or 10% of women on Match SAY that they would accept a guy 10 years older is kind of meaningless – upon meeting him, they may well change their minds and decide to chuck the age limits out the window. I’ve seen it happen, quite a bit.

          I understand what you’re saying. And I don’t want to argue with you about this forever. I think that my point is that no matter how slim someone’s chances are of successfully overcoming an age difference, it’s still better than just giving up. So give the OP some help, rather than telling him to suck it up.

          Shall we shake hands and call it a draw? Thanks for talking with me!

        6. Evan Marc Katz

          Not done quite yet, my friend.

          1. And Evan, YOU’RE assuming that a 30-40 year old guy will wind up being a better match for her just because he’s a certain age.

          No, I’m not. I’m saying that it doesn’t matter what I think. Most WOMEN want peers, not men a half-generation older. That’s all that matters.

          2. “Finding a 45-year old woman that wants the same thing are nearly zero”.

          This is so very false.

          There are a TON of women just like you who missed the window for kids and are now in their early-mid-40’s. They’re my clients. They don’t want to date “old” men in their 50’s. They want a peer. You two can fall in love, adopt, and start a beautiful family. It’s a MUCH more realistic way to find love than what you’re proposing. If you’re still hell-bent on your own biological kids, then you are fishing from a small pool of women ten years younger who are open to 45-year-old men who want to get married and pregnant tomorrow, don’t mind the age gap, and are okay having a partner who is likely to die a decade before her. Not my opinion. This is what women tell me.

        7. Traveller

          @Evan:

          I have two observations:

          First, I am pretty sure that you are in a very different demographic region than I. I’ve been watching the singles market closely for a number of years now, and I could count the number of women I’ve found who are like your clients, on the fingers of one hand. That’s out of several thousand women I’ve encountered. As a matter of fact, it’s even getting hard to find 30-something women who want kids. Within the last 10 years, it’s become quite stylish for a woman to declare that she is “child-free” and doesn’t want children, even at comparatively young ages. (The emergence of this trend surprised the hell out of me, by the way.)

          Second, I don’t put much stock in what you say women tell you. They’re telling you what they want you, their counselor, to hear. What people SAY beforehand and what they DO when they actually are in a situation are usually vastly different things. The difference between theory and practice, as they say.

          However, if you are actually finding that you encounter a lot of 40+ women who want kids, then perhaps I should cast a net in that direction. It’s always worthwhile to explore new fishing grounds. If you meet any women who might like to check out the Great Northwest, tell them to throw me a line. 😉

      2. 227.1.2
        Traveller

        Evan, what you are missing is that having children at a young age is not a “need”, it’s simply a CUSTOM. And you’re wrong about a youth fixation; that’s the women’s problem. I have no problem with a 50-year old woman who wants kids; it’s HER choice to say that she doesn’t want them, not mine. But I have to live with her decision.

        It’s YOUR case that doesn’t hold any water. You’re simply caving in to the youth-obsession of the 20th century. Prior to that,no one would have thought twice about a mature man having children. So there’s no issue with a woman’s “needs” – it’s all about WANTS. If science ever comes up with a way to put off menopause, then this whole issue will disappear, and people will wonder what the argument was ever about. But until then, people who are trying to have a family have to find each other, and by and large that means that older men are forced to look at younger women, even if they’d prefer not to.

        Your idea that everyone dies before 70 is also way out of date. That’s simply not true, particularly among upper socioeconomic classes. What’s more, if having a higher chance of dying were an argument for not having children, then all firefighters, police officers, soldiers, construction workers, miners and many other professions would also be prohibited from having children, simply because there’s a higher chance of them dying at a younger age. Contrary to what you say, no one can predict how long they will live. Averages are fictitious figures, which do not apply to any given individual, only to the imaginary “average”.

        Your delusional worldview is that everyone is identical, and rules are one-size-fits-all. Individuals are different, and just because some people choose to have children early does not mean there is any reason to scorn those who don’t.

        What the majority does is irrelevant; that’s dictated by social custom, not by either necessity or benefit. Your argument that men should have children early just because it’s common for women to do so is full of holes. If most women suddenly started having children at 40, it would make more sense for men to date older. But that’s not currently the case.

        To have children, you HAVE to find someone else who wants them, and persuade them to accept you as a partner. Deliberately picking someone whose goals are the opposite of yours simply because they happen to be the same age is a stupid and fruitless strategy.

        Lastly, you’re completely wrong about men not wanting to date older women. I have dated women up to 15 years older, and would do so again – as long as we’re on the same page regarding family. But the reality is that most women who want children do NOT wait around until their 40s – they get busy and have them early on. So if a man wants to find a woman to have a family with, looking among 50-something women is going to be a long and usually pointless search; he’s much better advised to increase his chances by looking elsewhere.

        I’m addressing the OP’s particular issue, which you aren’t. Sure, this doesn’t help women who are ready for Social Security. But they aren’t the ones who were asking the question. My answer to them would be completely different.

        You have a tendency to attribute people’s actions to selfishness or evil intent, rather than practicality. Telling a guy who wants kids, to find a 55 year old woman, just because it’s customary to do so, simply isn’t practical. That’s just going to make BOTH of them unhappy. Help him instead to find someone who wants the same things he does. If a young woman didn’t want children, and was seeking a man who had already had children and didn’t want any more, it would make sense to advise her to look among older men who had already finished their families, rather than among 20-year-olds. The principle is the same. If you want to catch fish, look in the ocean, not the desert.

      3. 227.1.3
        John

        So basically what you’re saying is if you’re a man in your late 50″s and you want to start a family with a younger woman….TOO BAD, YOU”RE TOO OLD, better luck in your next life because you already screwed the opportunity of having kids earlier in this life when you were suppose to.

        Is that about right?

        What’s sad about this is that’s the way people in America think. That’s why so many men in their 50’s move to other countries where  a 20-30 year gay in marriage is  accepted.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          That’s right. Move to Thailand. Why would a 30 year old woman choose you over a 35 or 40 year old guy. So she and your kids can wheel you around in 25 years? She has better options. Whether you like it or agree with it is immaterial.

      4. 227.1.4
        Isabel

        Loved age is not just a number!

  8. 228
    marymary

    Aw, my youngest brother was born when my dad was 49. Mind you, my dad lived to 88 and was looking after himself and others up to the day before he died. My mother was the young one but she became disabled and my dad looked after her for 15 years.
    Because I go to church I know a lot of older people and it’s not at all unusual for the younger one to get sick or die first. Just make sure you love each other so you don’t feel cheated if you end up looking after your younger partner.
    What interests me is how older men (say fifteen years older) manage to raise children and support a wife on a pension. If she works, does he become the househusband? Nothing wrong with that but it seems to be not what younger women in this scenario are looking for.

    1. 228.1
      Traveller

      @Marymary:

      What makes you think that older men who have children all have to be retired and “on a pension”? My father worked until he was in his 80s, then retired only to start his own business. I don’t expect to ever retire, particularly as Social Security will be broke and out of business long before I get to that point.

      The WWII-era-concept of ‘retirement’ is a very recent phenomenon. Up until modern times, most men worked until the day they dropped dead.

      1. 228.1.1
        starthrower68

        Personally, Traveller, I don’t care how young a woman an older man gets as long as she’s of a legal and consensual age. It doesn’t bother me one whit that men want younger women. But wanting them is no guarantee that they will want older men in return. If they do, great, have at it. Nobody but them is responsible for the failure or success of the relationship. But to some, age is a number and just because someone else thinks it shouldn’t be isn’t a reason for those who think it is to change their minds. That’s like me trying to tell a guy that he should look past my body type and accept me for who I am. Maybe some will but the vast majority won’t. No point in telling everyone it should be different. It is how it is.

        1. Traveller

          @Starthrower68:

          Well, it SHOULD be different. Although that’s an idealistic statement and I admit it’s not likely to happen.

          And I DO try to look past someone’s body type. When searching online, for instance, I block out pictures completely, and only read profiles. Only if I decide I like her on the basis of what she says, do I bother to look at the picture.

          But I realize that that’s unusual. Sigh.

        2. Traveller

          By the way, ST, I actually don’t specifically _want_ younger women. I’m simply forced to look for prospects among younger women because women in my age bracket aren’t interested in ME. That’s their choice, not mine; I would happily date them if they were willing to. But they are not looking for someone like me, and that’s their right. I’ve tried talking them into it, and it usually doesn’t work. Maybe someday that will change, but for now, I can only work with what I’ve got.

        3. starthrower68

          I get that you think it should be different; you are entitled to believe it. I just don’t hold out hope the whole of society will embrace it. I don’t make the rules, Evan doesn’t make the rules, etc. What’s the alternative? We force people to ignore the age of an older person who’s attracted to them because that is how it should be? How do we do that? Dating re-education camps? I mean, I am being flip, yes, but I can only control me.

        4. JennLee

          I see plenty of women in their 40s, on dating sites, who list that they want children.

  9. 229
    Mimi

    @Traveller 227
    Epidemiological, genetic, and animal studies have shown that advanced paternal age increases the risk for autism, schizophrenia and Down syndrome in offspring. Your father’s virility at 90 is irrelevant.

    1. 229.1
      Traveller

      MImi:
      That comment is even MORE irrelevant. First off, you are vastly overstating the risks. Maternal age is FAR more of an issue. Eggs age, sperm are constantly generated anew.

      Besides which, there’s nothing that can be done about that, save to take normal precautions. Other people (even very young ones) don’t avoid having children just because there is some risk involved. When there’s nothing you can do about a situation, theres no point in worrying about it. (Not that that stops chronic worriers.)

      1. 229.1.1
        JennLee

        What she said is true. But the truth is, it is both older men and older women that create the increased problems. It is better to have kids while in your 20s and 30s,

        1. Traveller

          According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine:

          Male fertility declines (and the associated issues increase) about 0.5% per year after 40.

          Female fertility typically declines by 50% at 39; by 75% at 42; and by over 95% at 45. Issue such as Down’s Syndrome and other problems occur at the same rate.

          So, no, the issue is really NOT the guy’s age. The woman’s age has far more to do with it.

          But none of this has anything to do with whether or not to have children. Genetic testing allows even people with known genetic defects to successfully have kids.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          It does if you consider that a woman may avoid an older man to avoid a higher risk of autism:

          http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/23/health/fathers-age-is-linked-to-risk-of-autism-and-schizophrenia.html?_r=0

          Mutations are 2 1/2 times higher for a 40 year old man than a 20 year old man. This isn’t nearly the risk factor that men face in choosing 42-year-old women to bear children, but it is a risk factor that some women – as they’ve already told you and you’ve ignored – do consider when choosing their mates.

        3. Traveller

          @Evan:

          I didn’t ignore it. You ignored what _I_ said – that the risk is far, far smaller, proportionately. And it is. If anyone is worried about birth defects, it’s logically her age that should be a concern, not his.

          I’m sorry I’ve irritated you so. You’re snapping at everything now. I didn’t mean to do that. Please accept my apologies.

  10. 230
    brainsmasher66

    Lol, this is a joke, right? I’m 58 and I won’t even consider dating a female over 30. With the laws in this country you have to be a complete moron to marry one.
    This is the year 2015. All the things you used to need a woman for you can do yourself or pay someone to do. When I get too old to wipe my butt I can hire a nurse and a housekeeper.
    I can retire now and leave the country and never look back and be at the top of the food chain. I can go to several places where there are so many smoking hot babes. The women in these countries that are 35 and 40 look hotter than the girls here that are 20 and 25.

    1. 230.1
      Kathleen

      Bon Voyage Brain Smasher !!   America will be more advanced without you in it .   Yes Im sure you can go to a country where women are very economically depressed . Hell , you can probably even buy yourself a 12 year old virgin slave.

      Wonder what dudes like this guy are doing on Evan site????   

  11. 231
    June

    I am a single woman i will be 56 soon I was married 25 yrs to a man 5 yrs older then myself,. them dated a man 9 yrs younger then me. Both those men have told me recently not all woman my age look as good as myself. I can understand why a man my age would want a younger woman . Most on my opinion don’t look good period. I like to date a man my own age that still look good work out ect but most of them look bad too. I’d rather stay single and date a younger guy. I don’t know any young woman that would want to date a much older guy unless she had a motive Or needed a daddy to take care of her. yes. See if she’s around when he needs a walker .   I have seen a few wealthy men with these younger woman have kids and they are to old to be involved with any physical activities . That’s sad. i say stick with people your own age or alittle younger .

  12. 232
    Gib

    Guys and gals,

    The comments I’m reading are ridiculous!   How could anyone put an age limit on a relationship? Age doesn’t matter,   it’s true! When I was in my 20s I dated women in their 30s and now in my 50s I’m dating women in their 20s. Men and women are not equal, yes, accept it! Biologically speaking, men are fertile well into their 70s, while women can barely conceive in their mid 30s. Is the point clear now? A man in his 50s wanting to start a family can not do so with a women his age or even near his age. He is looking for fertility not intelligent conversation!!! Enough said.

  13. 233
    rayvin400

    No one wants a fat, balding, sweaty old man. This lie the media feeds men by saying they get better looking as they grow old is BS. Who would I rather have? Johnny Depp 20 years ago or Johnny Depp today…duh. 20 years ago he was gorgeous now he’s an old bag. Women don’t need men to support them or take care of them any more- so this notion that a man can get any woman just because he’s a man is outdated and replaced by independent women who can now focus on a man’s looks and personality and not his wallet. Sorry. Women are just as visual as men, we just weren’t allowed to admit it. Why do you think your wife stopped wanting sex?

    1. 233.1
      Buck25

      Stereotype much, ravin? Oh and by the way, just which men are you referring to, dear? Would that be any man more than 5 years older than you happen to be? I’m guessing that’s about right. Such witty and original thought; now grow up!

  14. 234
    Eďdie Ferzi

    Don’t listen to these negatively toned advise … nothing is set in the life … 5 fingers of a hand aren’t the same, and this can be told about people and cultures …. There EXIST plenty of women who do NOT care about a man’s age !!!! I can guarantee you … Two people start a family like two business partners … you must fulfil their criteria as they must fulfil your criteria … and this is where a family starts … this can break up like business partnership soon or later … or it might never break up…

    I am around 50 and I have never had a relationship with a woman older than 25 years old!!! And when I tell you never, I mean never … I still reject women and am single … not because I failed … but because I have not met anyone who keeps me happy … I have been married twice … Both times to a beautiful young 19 years old woman … I lived with one for many years … so, I am an example to prove you that people tend to call themselves therapists and still generalise with negative tones …

    Let me tell you … your problem is not your age, or younger women’s criteria … get in touch with me and I would tell you what the problem is and how you can resolve it. Please do not listen to negative general users who look at the everything in black …. not even black and white …

    1. 234.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, let’s take advice from Mr. “I have been married twice … Both times to a beautiful young 19 years old woman … I lived with one for many years … so, I am an example to prove you that people tend to call themselves therapists and still generalise with negative tones …”

      1. 234.1.1
        Isabel

        Have been on this blog reading today and I can say that I am hopeful, I am not alone, at least!         Briefly, got married at 17, 2 kids then 21 years married and then divorced           I worked my husband through optometry school and then when he was at his peak he left me for a 22 year old, who he married.            Anyway that was 28 years ago.           I am a happy person and am a substitute teacher blah blah, but I didn’t much.        Yes right after divorce out at bars.         Sad but fun with girlfriends at 39.

        OK we are getting to the point.      I was celibate for a couple of decades and then at 59 I changed and thought, what the heck try to date.         What happened was one man was 2 years younger and he cheated and came back.   The next man was 8 years younger and he disappeared for 3 months and then came back.         I think I am smart and call me crazy, if anyone wants to, but trying to build something with an older man is close to impossible.     Sort of sad, I did want a relationship, yet find I should just drop it and put any hopes behind me.      The men in my age group, for the most part are delusional and will stay that way forever.     Anyway, you comments were hilarious in that it is common sense!         You are actually trying to teach men the facts and hopefully some of them could have a nice, fun, comforting time with a person within their age range.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          @Isabel

          Did you notice that both men have something in common?   They are both your junior in age.   Men prefer to be the older partner in a relationship.   Men become conditioned for that preference when they are in high school because girls their age are dating older boys.   The longer a man remains single, the larger the age gap because women tend to want to settle down before men.   In my humble, that is in large part because the average woman is much more experience than the average man until he reaches his thirties.     Up until that point, men tend to lie about their experiences.   If you start looking at men who are your age plus 2 to 7 years, you may do better.     However, it does appear that a lot of late fifty-something and early sixty-something women do not want to date sixty-something men.   Luckily, I still have a few years to go until I reach sixty. 🙂

      2. 234.1.2
        Isabel

        Lol. Just like taking healthy food advice from a fast food eater.      Also someone said your league isn’t what you think you can get, but what you actually experience from who approaches us.         Love that, and it is real.         On this blog and comments I felt like some were so base.        It sounded like people were on the shelf and scrutinized for their age and not anything to do with having a good life.

         

      3. 234.1.3
        Yet Another Guy

        @Evan

        Lol! I always curious when men my age date women in their twenties. Sure, twenty-something women are more fit and attractive on average than fifty-something women. However, the twenty-something women that most fifty-something men get are the ones who are rejected by peer-age men. A 19-year-old woman is a completely different experience altogether. Women this age are barely women; therefore, they are extremely easy to manipulate. That situation tells me more about the emotional maturity level of the man than the woman.

    2. 234.2
      Faye

      As someone in her mid-20s… you do realize that all women age, right?

      That no woman stays 25 and under forever.

      Once she reaches 30, do you replace her with a newer model? Upgrade them like cars?

      And do you not think that one day you too will age very heavily, and be unattractive to ALL young women, no matter how much wealth you have? How does it feel to be unable to perform in the bedroom without “help”? How does it feel that you may not have the same financial security as you did in your prime?

      Should women discard you for it, just as you did the moment a wrinkle appears on their skin? When their bodies change after selflessly giving birth?

      Men like you are the one of reasons why I no longer do age-gap relationships. At 22, I finally realized what men like you were up to.

      You have no integrity and prey on young women, stealing their youth and lives, when they could be seeking out a man who truly loves them. Rather than callously upgrade them like cars and homes.

      Truly despicable. I weep for all the vulnerable, naive young woman you have taken advantaged of. I was once in those shoes. My loved ones were once in those shoes.

      There are exceptions, of course… but they are definitely NOT men like you!

  15. 235
    John

    The best solution is to traval around Asian countries where the young women are beautiful and friendly regardless of a mans age.
    I know because i married an Indonesian woman of 21 when i was 45 30 years ago and how family orientated they are.
    So,start with Indonesia and then try Thailand,Philippines,Vietnam etc.
    Best of luck.

  16. 236
    SKO

    Very interesting topic here. We as a society, look at older men dating younger women as something   unnatural, same goes with older women dating younger men. But is this something we have been programmed through life to view as some thing abnormal, gross or unhealthy?

    I know a few men, who have married women much younger than themselves and the comments from other women is amazing to hear, “he is an older prevent”, “why doesn’t he find someone his age”, “how could she find him attractive”,”he must be loaded”. The list of comments goes on, but these top the list. Do we know why these 2 people came together?? No. Do we take the time to understand, just what it was that brought these 2 people together? No, we jump to judge.

    Women marrying a younger man is less common, but look at how this is viewed as well. Take one actress Demi Moore. She married a much younger man, but our society called her all types of names for doing this. Women, who do marry younger men are not really brought to the front of the line like men are. Why is this?

    Why is it men are treated like dogs or pigs, when it comes to them looking to marry a woman much younger than themselves? But society, almost turns a blind eye to an older woman marrying a much younger man…almost.

    The fact is society jumps to stereotypes, name calling and pointing the finger before looking at the 2 people involved.

    My daughter introduced me to a boy classmate and his parents. My first thought was, “OMG, he looks so much older than her”. Fact is, he is much older than her, he 63 and she 38. My Ex jumped all over this telling my daughter how gross and discussing that was. Before even talking to the parents or getting to know them, she judged by what society has forced fed her to believe and feel about this. After speaking with the couple many times, many dinners, listening to them, understanding the society they come from, it changed the way I viewed the relationship. It also, brought to light how my daughter was being taught to view people. She is changing.. and before anyone ask me, if I would have an issue with her dating an older man. Well, if she past 25 (haha) she is an adult, can make up her own mind and I will respect her and her views. If she is happy, then more power to her.

    After speaking with the wife, she loves her husband very much, she explained that younger men, where she comes from really do not know what they want from life(shocker most grown men here do not know what they want). The men end up unhappy, cheating and or just leaving after the woman is either pregnant or has a child. She said older men know what they want in life, are stable and treat their wives much better.

    My first thought is wow, she is living in a dream world, but look at how our society/media spoon feeds the public about how they are to live. How they, the public are too look to get approval, what music, TV shows and even how a person is to act when they get older.

    Does your life have to change because you get older? The simple answer is no. You are wiser and realize what you are doing might hurt or kill you, but living does not change.

    I am 49 years old, a Marine and the same person I was at 20. I look a little different, still have my hair, work out, hike, camp out in nature, ride my motorcycle on back roads on mountain trails, planning a trip to Europe to ride all over there. Enjoy going to events with the car club, wineries , drives to the coast. Hell, I am writer and work a full-time job. I was falling for what society was telling me how I was to act for “my age”. Meeting people from around the world, has shown me the truth about, “my age”.

    I have dated 30 somethings, that thought I was in my late 30’s. They had no issues, not until they found out my age, then everything changed. When asked what was the problem was, it was “my age”, not how I looked or acted, but a number. I would date a woman in her 60’s, if she was as active as me. But finding a woman my age, that is active, enjoys life and does not falling for what society dictates is a problem.

    So, if anyone wants to date someone younger or much younger than them, let them(adults only people). Stop trying to judge what society tells you what is right for “your age”. Find things in common, likes and dislikes, are your goals for life the same, are your wants in life the same. just do it and screw society. I met a woman, we agreed to not bring up age, found we have a great deal in common from music to our personalities. We are enjoying our time with each other and live.

    So Dale, do what you feel is right for you. Everyone has an option in this Country, but remember options are like A__holes, they all stink. Do what feels right for you and screw what people think or say. Life is too damn short to waste on BS.. live it out man.

     

     

  17. 237
    Destiny

    What is so effing ridonk is men who will date up to say, one yr younger than themselves. But not a woman their own age. One yr younger will work though?

    And then a man will see me – same age – and message me. So I guess the notion that women a man’s same age much be thought of as generally beastly unless they see an exception – as I have been told.

     

    Buncha apes

  18. 238
    GaryP

    What is missing more attention in this particular debate is the increasingly high percentage of 30-something, 40-something and even 50-something women who not only spurn older men but pursue much younger men (5+ years younger).   I haven’t seen one credible study that suggests this is a viable option.

    I blame this phenomenon on the media (which has a distinct anti-male bias) feeding older women fertilizer that a 30-something male with looks, career and status would want a 40-something woman for anything more than a hookup.   The same goes for 20-something males and 30-something females.   It’s a pipe dream.

    In the vast majority of scenarios, at best the guy will view an older woman as a pleasant diversion while he hunts for what he really wants… a younger woman or someone his age.   At worst, he will be turned off by a woman who reminds him of his Mom coming on to him.   And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson…

    It works both ways.   A 40-something woman, even if she sports a more youthful hairstyle, works out at the gym a few times a week and takes yoga classes, is still 40-something.   Sure you will have some success stories but at no greater percentage than older men with significantly younger women.

    I personally don’t see anything out of the ordinary with a 50 year old man and a 40 year old woman and it makes a heck of a lot more sense, and offers far more chance of success, than if the guy is 25-35.

    Women can ignore this and continue to pursue younger men online but enter at your own emotional risk. And be prepared for much disappointment.

  19. 239
    Dani

    Ok. As a 14 year divorced male. Now 53. After reading all comments. There is no way I’m gonna ever again look for that special woman..geezzz. thanks guys…

  20. 240
    Johnny

    i only date 20-24 year old women and I’m 35. When I’m 50 I will only date 25-30 year olds.. I don’t want a woman to give up her youth for me. I’m happy dating for short periods of time if she still wants to see what’s out there. But then I’m on to the next.. At the end of the day i will be remembered as having a majo role in their life. I go all out as a leader to make females lives and future brighter  then it would have been without me. I guess the bottom line is women my age are less of a challenge. When you sleep with a 33 yo desperate to get married and then you sleep with a 23 yo who adores you just the same, who would you choose? A 50 year old millionaire couldn’t make me leave the 23 year old who gives her last twenty to me for gas without me asking. My advise if you want a younger woman. Trounce the competition and it has nothing to do with money success or what you have to offer. Be a mans man.

    1. 240.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      For women who are commitment-oriented, you have nothing to offer, since you said you’ll be dating when you’re 50. So, pretty much any woman with an eye towards the future would be well-advised to stay away from you.

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