Love Happens When You Least Expect It — NOT!!!
- Confidence, Online Dating, Take Action
I was talking with a client today and she told me that her friends laughed at her when she mentioned she’d be working with me.
“You don’t need a dating coach,” they crowed. “You’re amazing, successful, and confident. Just take care of your work and family and love will take care of itself.”
Not quite.
“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.
In this myth, good things happen to you because you’re worthy.
In this myth, the universe provides because you think happy thoughts.
In this myth, the laws of physics and logic do not apply.
Why do I suggest that falling in love without effort is a fantasy?
Because your real life isn’t built for falling in love. If it was, you would have done it already.
“Love Happens When You Least Expect It” is a myth, and it’s a myth I want to dispel from your mind forever.
What is your life built for? Well, take a look at your schedule. Maybe it’ll be obvious.
6:30am-7:30am — Wake up, hit the gym.
8:30am-9:00am — Drive to work. Love those wacky Morning Zoo guys.
9:00am-6:30pm — Work. But don’t date at work. You know how that story ends.
6:30-7:15pm — Drive home from work. Commuting is fun!
7:15-8:30pm — Decompress from work, make dinner for one.
8:30pm-10:30pm — Nighttime activity: TV, book club, surfing the web, putting the kids to bed.
This schedule varies, of course. You may go to the gym after work. You may not commute. You may find television to be a huge waste of time. But chances are, if you’re working, this is approximately what your life looks like during the week.
On weekends, you have more freedom. So, what are you doing with your weekends?
Errands that you can’t do during the week.
Relaxing that you can’t do during the week.
Catching up with friends you don’t see during the week.
Well, at least you could potentially meet someone while you’re dropping off your dry cleaning, right? At least you can go to a bar for a drink and meet someone cute, right?
Sure, you can!
So let me ask you: how many times last year did you get a great date out of someone you met “in real life”?
And, if I might pry, where are those great guys now?
What you’ll probably see when you take a good, clear look at your life is that “meeting quality new people for potential life partnership” is not built into your schedule.
Yet, you probably feel that love should just “happen” because “it’s more organic” when you can just “feel chemistry” with a cute stranger from across the room.
But what stranger? What room?
Your office? Your bedroom? Your living room?
Where are you meeting these promising new romantic prospects?
If love happens when you’re least looking for it, why isn’t it happening to you now?
The reason I’m an advocate of online dating isn’t because it’s perfect. Far from it. It’s because “real life” doesn’t provide for nearly as much opportunity as you need.
If love happens when you’re least looking for it, why isn’t it happening to you now?
To be clear, I’m not saying you need a dating coach. Seriously. If you’ve got a social life like the women from Sex and the City, you probably have no shortage of opportunities.
But you most likely don’t. You probably work long hours, have a bunch of friends who are way over the bar scene, and you have no idea where to meet the love of your life.
And while I can’t promise you that it’s on Match or eHarmony or JDate, I can promise you that it’s NOT happening while you’re on the Stairmaster, while you’re watching TV, or while you’re hanging out in your married friends’ homes.
For some reason, we’re conditioned to think that love should be effortless.
But what, in life, is effortless?
You took classes to get into college, you took classes to learn to drive, and you’ve probably taken classes to learn to cook or play tennis or sell real estate.
Wouldn’t it make sense to take a class on something that’s been eluding you, like love?
Understand: being proactive about love is not the same as being desperate.
Creating room for a social life doesn’t mean you go on 5 blind dates each week.
All I’m talking about is improving your process of meeting single people. That’s it.
If you only go on a handful of dates a year, you’re not giving yourself much of an opportunity to find love. That’s not fair to you, and it’s unlikely to be successful in the long run.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” — Ben Franklin.
Keep waiting for love to happen to you, and you’re pretty much ensuring that comes true.
Love takes effort. If you make that effort, I will help you succeed.
SS says
You are absolutely right.
I only started finding loving and happy relationships AFTER I got out of the “love happens when you least expect it” mindset. Because for more than a decade, I was “least expecting it,” and then guess what? NOT GETTING IT!
I think that motto works for people in their early 20s, a period in which the majority of individuals are single and you naturally run into them in your college classes, place of worship (youth groups) and bars/parties/clubs. Even though the latter group of locations isn’t always the best place to meet individuals for serious relationships, the people I know who did meet their future partners there were all in their 20s, when bars/clubs/parties can be more general social gathering spots versus simply being meat markets.
If you want to find love and it’s not happening, I say make it happen.
adk says
It’s a combination of thought AND action.
If you really, really want to meet someone, and have that intention in mind, the thing is that you’re probably not sitting at home every night by yourself. If you set your mind straight, and your priorities straight then perhaps you *will* hire a dating coach or sign up for online dating or put yourself out there. I think the “love happens” happens when you set your intentions and let them power your actions. Because there *are* plenty of people who are putting in all the actions — dating, dating, dating — without the intention and just are on the merry go round. You need both thought of intention and action for it to work.
I have plenty of friends who complain that they desperately want to meet someone but their actions do not support that statement, which leaves me wondering if they really want to meet someone.
i tried to fix up a friend via email — the guy was on board — but it took her 2 months to get back to me “because she was in a funk!” Hello! I’m offering you a lifeboat and you refuse to take it!
Lisa says
I totally agree with you, Evan! I grow tired of people saying that to me. I haven’t been expecting it for 37 years and that’s gotten me nowhere fast.
david says
Maybe I’m wrong, but I get the impression that with a lot of women (those stuck love-wise) working-at-love and/or finding someone online just doesn’t “gel” with the fantasy / idea of how they thought they should meet someone and hence just gets tossed out the window… the thought of having to admit to someone — or themselves — “Oh, we met on match” — causes the whole inner sense of self to collapse… so they keep up the fantasy of meeting someone at the supermarket, him picking up her can of dropped peas (and cue music….btw, I’m 41 and never heard of anyone meeting at the supermarket)…
Kate Candy says
Yes, Evan, et al.! This idea that “love happens when you least expect it” is a dangerous myth. I say it is dangerous because it allows people to waste valuable time. I’ve never believed in this saying or some of the other chesnuts that surround romance: “It only takes one.” or “They don’t buy the cow if they can get the milk free.” As you said, everything that’s worthwhile takes effort. Malcolm Gladwell says in one of this books that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert. If we applied that to dating, well, whew, we’d all be very tired, but at least we’d all be out there and not sitting on the couch….wishing.
Lisa says
Evan , I have a question: You are a big proponent of online dating-which I agree with; it’s a great option. But what did people do before match.com or eharmony came alone? From what I understand, the marriage rate is decreasing, so what’s going on? Shouldn’t tons of people be meeting and getting married with the advent of online datiing?
Evan Marc Katz says
I generally don’t take questions on here, but the rise of online dating coincides simply with the rise of computer culture. What did you do before there were cell phones, laptops, iPads and WiFi? It doesn’t really matter – we all spend a lot of time at work and online, and online dating is merely a marriage of technology and need.
To your point, I couldn’t tell you if the marriage rate is going down or not. If it is, I’d theorize it’s because people are a) too picky, b) too disconnected, c) too lazy, and d) too jaded. Jillian Straus’ book “Unhooked Generation” digs into more detail as to why Gen X has been slow to couple up. But it’s not online dating’s fault, that’s for sure.
17% of all marriages in the past three years began with online dating, although only less than 5% of singles are even paying for it at a given time. It’s a SPECTACULARLY successful means to meet strangers that you’d never meet in real life.
Kim says
I’d have to agree completely. I hate that expression, particularly because an ex-bf of mine once told me that love comes easier and better if you aren’t looking for it. Considering that I met him online, and it didn’t last for us, might have something to do with why he said this! His current gf works for the same company that he does, just in a different department, so clearly his experience has been that online dating does not = success. Personally, I have been on Match.com on and off for three years now, and I go on dates 2 or 3 times a week. I am having the time of my life! I have met some great people, and while I haven’t quite met the ONE yet, I know that it’s a numbers game and eventually I will meet him. I have a date tonight, in fact, with a really sweet, successful and cute guy that I met online. This will be our second date.
The only thing I can say about online dating that has been disturbing for me though is that the majority of men that I meet don’t really seem to be willing to date exclusively, or are holding out for something “better”. I have to say that I also have adopted that mentality as well. If something isn’t quite right, it is too easy to just say ‘NEXT!” I think its part of the steady supply of potential dateable people that allows us to be pickier than we would be if meeting people were more difficult. Knowing that if this one doesn’t work out, there is always another, and another, and another, gives us the impression that attraction, compatibility, and chemistry shouldn’t be trusted … that there needs to be something more jaw-droppingly intense before we actually stop looking and take down the profile. Further, I have two or three men that are asking me out on a regular basis, and a couple in the pipeline, all boyfriend material, and yet no one has asked me to be exclusive with him yet. Until they do, and make me their girlfriend, I continue to date. Evan has said, until he is really your boyfriend, the relationship isn’t “real.” I continue to go by that, and hope that the next one will be the real deal.
myhonestanswer says
I don’t know if I agree with this one. My friend met her husband over the frozen peas aisle at a local supermarket. And yes, he’s a keeper.
Evan Marc Katz says
@myhonestanswer – That’s called luck. It’s the exception.
CAN you find a job by sitting at home, waiting for a recruiter to find you? Sure. Does it make more sense to proactively seek work on Monster, Craigslist, and LinkedIn? Certainly.
The Big A says
In reality, initiative is necessary but not sufficient when it comes to getting a job. You have to have something to offer. And especially when there are other people competing with you for that same job. Meet the qualifications is the bare minimum because many skilled labor jobs won’t even *consider* you if you cannot demonstrate this. But that alone isn’t enough! Quite often what lands you the job is knowing how to sell yourself and that works well it the dating game too.
So put yourself out there, but keep your expectations down to Earth.
Ruby says
Lisa #6
Before online dating, people met at work, at parties, at dances, at concerts, in bars, through blind dates, through classes. The same way they do now. My issue with online dating – even though i continue to do it – is that it fosters a kind of “instant and disposable” mentality. You can plug in some preferences, let the algorithm do its work, and presto! A life partner! But wait, maybe there’s someone just a little bit better, a little bit taller, or cuter, or wealthier, or younger. With so many choices, yet with so many preferences and qualifications, how do you choose?
Eric says
A lot of choices allows people to move from one online profile to the next profile to the next to the next. Hence, people become a rolling stone. A rolling stone gathers no moss.
The Big A says
Freedom from choice……is what you want,
Freedom of choice…..is what you’ve GOT!
david says
@myhonestanswer — and some people win the lottery. Or live to 99 after smoking three packs a day.
If one wants to maintain the rom-com fantasy of meeting someone at the supermarket, they better go there every day and have some cute pickup lines to say to guys getting a “for-one” at the hot foods bar at dinner time. It’ll get their odds up for that working out.
Lisa says
I think people are addicted to sappy, sweet “how we met” stories. I have a friend who met her husband while on vacation in Italy. She’s American-she had hired a taxi to drive her around the Amalfi coast and the driver (an Italian) ended up becoming her husband. I guess it just sounds more romantic than “we met online”.
Ruby, I agree with the “kid in a candy store” mentality of online dating. But you can’t beat the convenience and the sheer volume. There are plenty of nights where I don’t feel like getting dressed up and doing my hair. It’s great to just be able to “talk” to guys in my sweats!
Donna says
I disagree. Love can happen when you least expect it. It may not happen all the time, and it may not happen to everyone, but it does happen.
I was in my early 20s when I met my husband. I didn’t expect to meet anyone at the time, and I wasn’t dating anyone else. I had never seen him before, but he’d obviously seen me. I left work one day and he was standing by my car waiting for me. We were engaged three months later.
SS says
Donna @14, you are actually the type of person I was talking about when I made this point in my @1 post… other locations apply as well.
I think that motto works for people in their early 20s, a period in which the majority of individuals are single and you naturally run into them in your college classes, place of worship (youth groups) and bars/parties/clubs.
For the majority of readers of this blog, who are probably well into their 30s, at least, “love happens when you least expect it” doesn’t hold as true.
nathan says
I have to agree with Evan. It’s rare that love just appears when you aren’t expecting it. It’s not just women who believe this either; men fall for this story as well. I have had numerous people tell me those words “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” The problem is that it’s really easy to take that as meaning “I don’t need to do anything about dating anymore.” Which isn’t true.
My experience has been that a combination of putting in some effort on the dating front, and letting go of expectations, has led me into relationships.
When I’m too hung up on “finding the perfect someone,” nothing happens. And when I’m too swamped in “it’ll never happen” thoughts, nothing happens.
Part of the thing with these “it just happened one day” stories is that they rarely contain the back story. What the people involved went through before stumbling into the person they fell in love with and/or married. Odds are that the majority of people involved in these narratives did their share of searching, breaking out of routines, reflecting on their lives, and whatnot before finally meeting that person.
Christina says
I mostly agree. While it CAN happen unexpectedly, it’s nothing that any of us should bank on. I guess I’ve always felt that not expecting it simply meant not being desperate. People put so much effort into their careers, homes and hobbies, and then sit back and expect relationships to happen effortlessly. Why should they?
I didn’t expect to find love while online dating, and the fact that I didn’t probably made the whole process easier. But I think that goes back to the whole desperation issue, rather than not putting out any effort. I WAS going on dates once or twice a week. The fact that I found love was a bonus and I’m pretty sure it happened for me because I wasn’t taking the process too seriously
Karl R says
Donna said: (#14)
“I disagree. Love can happen when you least expect it. It may not happen all the time, and it may not happen to everyone, but it does happen.”
I’ve good jobs when I wasn’t looking for them either, but if you’re unemployed, you’re likely to find one a lot faster if you’re putting effort into your job search.
Donna said: (#14)
“I was in my early 20s when I met my husband. I didn’t expect to meet anyone at the time, and I wasn’t dating anyone else. I had never seen him before, but he’d obviously seen me.”
You proved Evan’s point. Your husband was putting the effort into making a relationship happen. Your relationship didn’t just “happen.”
myhonestanswer said: (#9)
“My friend met her husband over the frozen peas aisle at a local supermarket.”
I ended up dating one woman because I ended up sitting next to her at the counter of a diner one Saturday morning.
Of course, I specifically chose the seat next to the attractive young woman, instead of the seats next to middle-aged men. I sat down with every intention of starting a conversation with her, and seeing what kind of opportunity arose. I deliberately offered to track down some information on the local dance scene so I’d have a reason to contact her again.
About the only thing that “just happened” was her being in the diner at the same time I was.
I can manage to shop for groceries without talking to anyone except the cashier and bagger, and if I use self-checkout, not even them. But if I’m actively out dating, I’ll make a point of starting conversations with attractive women.
If you look harder into the start of your friends’ relationship, I suspect that one of them made a very deliberate move to initiate things. And that person probably did so habitually with others before that.
hunter says
Most grocery stores are busiest on Sunday and Monday.
BeenThruTheWars says
I think this particular myth–or truism, depending on one’s POV–is really a thinly veiled admonition not to be so driven to find someone, anyone, now!!! quick!!! that we begin to give off the sort of big time desperation vibes that drive emotionally healthy people away and instead attract freaks and predators. I’ve always interpreted it as, relax–it’ll happen. Put yourself out there and look, and stay optimistic, but don’t try to force something that isn’t meant to be.
Node ³ says
Online dating does expose you to a lot of people, and it draws people in with the lure of 9999 potential dates for this weekend, but the reality is that the convenience comes at a cost: a massive increase in the effort required to actually find someone. In an offline setting, a women will often agree to a date after talking for a bit. Let’s contrast this with online dating hell.
Hell Level I: The Unwashed Masses
It takes quite a lot of time to actually read hundreds of women’s profiles. Most women will not be suitable for some reason. I could weed some undesirables out with filters, but since I have few inflexible criteria, it would probably also weed out interesting people. All in all, about 85% of profiles will be eliminated at this stage.
BONUS: Contrary to most women’s beliefs, men DO read profile text. The #1 reason I click away from a profile is poor writing, not bad pictures.
Hell Level II: Silent Treatment
Now, let’s send some messages to the 15% that made the first cut. Sending a mass spam email to all of them is unacceptable, so it’s time to expend some more effort crafting unique messages to each prospect. In a perfect world, that would be time well spent, but my experience is that about 75% of women I message offer no reply at all. Maybe they’re not serious or just weren’t socialized well, but nonetheless, the effort is wasted.
Hell Level III: Letters from Europe A Couple Miles Away
Look, someone replied! A few (about 20%) will disappoint immediately by giving a boring answer or using very poor grammar (even when their profile is fine). The most vexing problem, however, is not wanting to meet. There is scientific evidence that liking someone in email has ZERO ability to predict liking them in person, so I expect women to meet me relatively soon (after 2-3 messages). Therefore, if a woman refuses to meet in short order, NEXT! About 85% of women I ask out online turn out to have pen-pal syndrome, defined as directly refusing to meet, evading the question about meeting, or disengaging after I ask to meet.
Hell Level IV: All is Not What it Seems
WOW! I’m actually going out with someone. Exciting, right? No so fast! A not insignificant minority of women online, about 30% in my case, lie about their appearance, age, and/or marital status (posing as divorced when actually only separated). I instantly end dates where deception is discovered, so they can’t really be counted.
I’m not sure how to fix the process so it promotes more contacts and more meetings. Having to go through dozens of profiles and send lots of messages to get one date is extremely tedious, so it’s no wonder that apparently 97% of men quit online dating within three months (this stat may be sensationalized, so take it with a grain of salt).
Fran says
Node,
part of the things I wanted to say is already included in other people’s replies to you. I just wanted to add that as a woman I have a similar experience as you have.
Maybe we receive more messages than men do, but this doesn’t mean that we don’t have to work hard and select them. Also we do have to make first contact with men whose profile we like, and we face the same difficulties.
There is a lot of competition, for both genders.
Hell Level I: The Unwashed Masses
Women too have to skim through a lot of emails or “winks” or similar notifications. I personally read all profiles, even if I am quite put off by generic ‘hi gorgeous’ messages. I too eliminate the majority of profiles at this stage. Do you expect me to reply to all of them? Some of them are simply not a good match (for example looking for casual dating with no commitment). I do not have the time to explain to all of them why we are not suitable, even less when they clearly didn’t have time to read my profile or to think of something to say to me.
Hell Level II: Silent Treatment
It’s the same for women. I think one men out of ten replies to a message if I contact them first. And half of those who reply disappear after one or two messages. I do have the feeling that many of those guys lose interest in someone they haven’t chosen themselves. Said that, I had only 2 dates so far and both the guys were contacted by me the first time. So it is worth making the effort.
Hell Level III: Letters from Europe A Couple Miles Away
I see where you are coming from and I don’t like endless chats either. But like most people I don’t have the time to meet everyone in person, so it’s a matter of finding a balance between knowing each other by email and meeting in person. Writing each other for a reasonable amount of time helps eliminating some unsuitable profile.
Hell Level IV: All is Not What it Seems
Sorry but do you really think men don’t lie? I was contacted by men who lied about their age, their height, their status, even about their location… I even saw the profile of a colleague of mine who is divorced, with children from his ex wife, with a newborn child from his new girlfriend… And he claimed he is single and childless! I don’t think there is a gender difference, there are liars both among men and women.
Listen, it took me 35 years and a broken heart to decided to try online dating, and I am finding it very hard, time consuming, disheartening, boring. I am not even dedicating to it all the time I should. But I had to agree with Evan that living and loving my busy life made of work, outdoors activities, drawing classes, gym didn’t give me any chance to find a good partner. Not even a date. And no, I am not that unattractive 😉
So… Good luck with your search 🙂
Steve says
“Chance favors the prepared mind”
– Louis Pasteur
CJC says
Ben Franklin did not say “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” nor did Albert Einstein. And that is most certainly NOT the the definition of insanity.
Aside from that seemingly un-Katz-like lapse, this is a worthwhile piece, and I agree wholeheartedly that you cannot expect love to simply fall into your lap. Examples of that happening are not persuasive arguments against his point, which is not that it NEVER happens, but that it is unlikely and hence it is not productive to sit around waiting.
Furthermore, none of the anecdotes of this sort prove that it is in any way harmful to be proactive. Even if you are actively dating, you still have to visit the frozen pea aisle. (By the way, do frozen peas really get an entire aisle?)
Goldie says
Ahhh #21, where do I begin?…
“…my experience is that about 75% of women I message offer no reply at all. Maybe they’re not serious or just weren’t socialized well, but nonetheless, the effort is wasted.”
Uh, why on earth do I owe someone I’d never heard from before a detailed explanation of why I believe we won’t work out as a couple, an explanation that will most likely just enrage him? My pet peeve are people that disappear without a trace after a second, or third date – I think you should say something after the first date even, if it went well and especially if you ended it with saying “we should do this again next week”. I’m still pretty upset at the guy who, after the first date, told me to “keep the next weekend open, I’ll call you and tell when I can meet” and I never heard from him again. Dude, in case you’re reading this, I actually kept my weekend open like an idiot. Was it so hard to cancel via a short text?! So yeah, after you’ve had a few meetings in person, I believe the person that wants to end it does owe the other one an explanation, but after an initial email? Nope. OK you sent me what is basically an offer to look at your profile, I did, and from what I’ve read on it I concluded that we’re not going to work out together – why do you need that in writing?? To continue with the job search analogy, do you expect a written reply from every employer you’ve sent your resume to?
“There is scientific evidence that liking someone in email has ZERO ability to predict liking them in person, so I expect women to meet me relatively soon (after 2-3 messages). Therefore, if a woman refuses to meet in short order, NEXT!”
Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you want to waste your time and money (and the other person’s) meeting someone you’ve only exchanged TWO brief messages with? At a bare minimum, do a phone screen first, save yourself some time. I have found a phone convo a pretty good indication of what will happen on the actual date. And yeah, I’ve pulled the plug on a few people as a result of how our phone conversation had gone. (in case you’re wondering, yes I sent each of them a message apologizing and saying that I don’t think it’ll work.)
“A not insignificant minority of women online, about 30% in my case, lie about their appearance, age, and/or marital status (posing as divorced when actually only separated). I instantly end dates where deception is discovered, so they can’t really be counted.”
My advice is, if it’s an inch or two, a couple pounds, or a year or two, it’s worth it to give the person a break. I’m curious though, how do things end with the remaining 70%? What happens?
From my experience so far, I’m not a huge fan of online dating myself, but for reasons different from what you’ve mentioned – too much pressure, expectations to meet too soon, to commit too soon before we actually know each other… also the demographics on match.com for my age group and location doesn’t seem to be what I’m looking for. I meet single men IRL every week that are a lot better than what match has to offer. I’ve got four months left on my subscription so I’ll stick around, but really, meh. That said, from your post it appears that you could get a lot more out of OD if you just tweak your process a little.
CJC says
Karl R (#18), you are writing as if people who believe “love happens when you least expect it” think they never have to speak to another human being but will wake up one morning wearing a wedding band. You are taking the idea too far.
Your dating the woman you met in the diner actually seems to me to be a pretty good example of just the sort of thing such people are talking about. All of your efforts took place in that moment, as opposed to putting in lots of work over time, like Evan is saying is generally necessary.
Stacy says
The lifestyle described in the original post is sort of dreadful. There’s so much you can do to expose yourself to people – instead of going to gym join a running group, go to happy hours after work, go to singles events instead of watching TV at night, throw a party at your place, join a dinner club, etc. If your life consists of work and TV, you’re probably so boring that your match dates will not work out either, who wants to be with a person like that?
Ruby says
Node #21
What you are forgetting is that since you do have access to hundreds of people at a time, you do have to put some time and effort in to reading and weeding out profiles. Is it more effort than hanging out for a few hours at a bar, hoping to strike up a conversation with one or two women in the hopes that one of them might be interested? With online dating, at least you have the opportunity to find out a little bit more about a person up front. While chance encounters are great, and certainly more romantic than meeting online, how often do they happen in real life, especially to older singles?
Why do you insist on every woman following your script? Some women might feel more comfortable exchanging a couple more emails, and some may insist on a phone call first. So what? For me, having a phone conversation has helped me to weed out the undesirables – or given me an even better feeling about someone. And if someone doesn’t respond to your email after a week, do you really need a special message telling you they are not interested?
I can understand that someone lying about their marital status would be a problem, or if a person’s photos are 15 years old. But if you like and are attracted to someone, and they fudged their age a bit or are a few pounds heavier, is that so bad, provided that they are honest about everything else?
Lisa had asked about dating before online dating. We also used personal ads! Because there were no photos, you had to spend even more time actually meeting people blindly. The ability to see photos helps.
Teresa says
My take on this is that one should not be desperate and that sometimes love happens with someone who is older/younger/shorter etc than what we thought we wanted.
SS says
Maybe I’m wrong, but I get the impression that with a lot of women (those stuck love-wise) working-at-love and/or finding someone online just doesn’t “gel” with the fantasy / idea of how they thought they should meet someone and hence just gets tossed out the window… the thought of having to admit to someone – or themselves – “Oh, we met on match” – causes the whole inner sense of self to collapse…
This is SO true for a lot of women! (Not me though, lol. Well, not anymore!)
Actually, I’ve always found most “how we met” stories to be rather boring, unless they are really VERY random… like, we met in Italy and were staying at the same hotel and found we were really from the same small town in Indiana!
But most stories usually are something like, “We met at school/church/temple/work/friend’s party.” And that’s great, but even those rather normal stories are elevated into ones that rate highly on the “awwwww” factor because they seem random. People put a lot of stock into the method of meeting, even to the point where some people disdain a woman’s proactivity in attempting to meet the man (some religious groups).
Even though I was an early adopter of online dating, part of me (back then) hated the idea that i actually had to work to find a partner, while other people seemingly took the easy and traditional road of meeting their mates through school/church/temple/work/friend’s party/someone’s wedding. Or they got “lucky” and met a guy at the bus stop or in the frozen pea aisle, while poor me wasn’t good enough for whatever reason to find a mate organically, and had to rely on a personal ad!
Luckily, I got out of that mindset… like Karl said and as I’ve heard from others, we never hear the stories of HOW they got to the point where they were able to meet their partner. I know one woman who did indeed meet her current partner in the grocery store, but the only reason she was in the grocery store on that day and at that time was because she cut back on activities that were all female and took a lot of time away from her goal of meeting men for dating and more. So while it appeared a relationship happened when she least expected it, she admits that it wouldn’t have happened without her change in mindset, which led to a change in her daily behavior.
Funny though, people actually are intrigued about my meeting story NOW because they never actually met an “internet married” couple. Then they admit that they shouldn’t have told their single female friend to stay away from the Internet because there were crazies out there. Argh… crazies are everywhere!
Karl R says
CJC said: (#25)
“All of your efforts took place in that moment, as opposed to putting in lots of work over time, like Evan is saying is generally necessary.”
I did almost 4 years of non-stop dating where I was putting in effort on at least a weekly basis, if not a daily basis. I dated lots of women during that time, and asked out probably twice that number.
To the woman in the diner, all my efforts took place at that moment, because that was all she saw. I was also meeting women online, at church, at yoga and out dancing. And I was making an effort in all those different places too.
With that particular woman, all my efforts took place in the moment. That was out of necessity. If I didn’t have a phone number by the end of breakfast, I was unlikely to see her again.
If you put in a few years of constant effort, it’s second nature to take advantage of the dating possibilities of any situation you find yourself in. If you’re just going through life on autopilot waiting for love to “happen,” you’re ignoring the same opportunities that someone else would act on.
And if you’re putting in the effort, you’re putting yourself into environments where those opportunities will exist frequently. They don’t happen when you’re unwinding from work in front of the TV.
I met my fiancée (and almost half the women I dated) through dancing. That’s a passion of mine which consumes 8 to 12 hours per week.
CJC said: (#25)
“Your dating the woman you met in the diner actually seems to me to be a pretty good example of just the sort of thing such people are talking about.”
I went on two or three dates with the lady in the diner.
90% of the “how we met” stories end the same way. It didn’t work out. But if you’re putting time and effort into it, you’ll end up meeting a lot more potential dates.
Ella says
Hallelujah! I knew that phrase was a load of bollocks! I got so tired of married/ about-to-be-maried people telling me that I just needed to relax–love will find me! This advice, of course, came from people who all met “the one” in high school or college. I suppose for my older brother that advice might have been true, because I can’t imagine anyone expecting to meet “the one” wandering the halls of their high school. In fact, if I had married the guy I was dating in high school, I would be very, very unhappy now; I escaped a bullet there. It took a while for my parents to understand that I didn’t want to come home for a visit with them that would consist of hanging around the house all weekend. I had to tell them that, for me, going out a lot–bars, movies, restaurants, etc–wasn’t just for fun, but that I had to go looking, becuase cute men weren’t going to just pop out of my toaster or fall out of my fridge when I open the door.
Also, I hate it when people who married at 21 or 22 tell ME not to settle. Really? Really?!? I remember when I first started to hear that phrase around 27, and I knew the logic was flawed, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. When I read “Something Borrowed” by Emily Giffin, her character narrates the problem with that statement beautifully. Rachel is at a baby shower surrounded by women who married right out of college and then moved back to their hometowns. “Their collective advice: don’t settle. Keep looking. Find Mr. Right. That’s what they all did. And by God, I think they believe it. Because nobody who marries at the rip age of twenty-three can be settling. Naturally. That is a phenomenon that only happens to women in their thirties.”
I simply refuse to listen to advice from anyone who married before 25 anymore. The circumstances are too different, the perceptions are too skewed. Of course they met someone out of the blue…in their trig class. Of course this person seems like the most perfect person ever, because they haven’t had to deal with the whack-os and weirdos (The guy who spent the whole date talking about how hot his ex is? The guy who isn’t technically divorced from his ex-wife and who also has a baby on the way with a different woman?).
So, sure. I suppose for the some people, love did find them. But for the rest of us, we are going to have to work at it, and that is fine with me.
SS says
Ella, your post rings so true. I remember going to a Speed Dating event about a decade ago (when I was 25, actually) and some married woman in her 40s said, “I simply can’t believe a woman as cute as you needs to be doing THIS to find a mate!”
I gave her a dirty look, and she stepped back a bit and said, “well, I guess I don’t know how it is. I married my college sweetheart at 22.”
So if this was in 2002 and the woman was 40-something, she married in the late 70s or early 80s. Do you know how much things have changed since then??? I know the 70s and 80s aren’t ancient history, but a LOT has changed in the dating/marriage world since that time!!!
The other thing I hate is currently married women in their late 20s/early 30s who have regrets and then tell their never-married single female friends that marriage is overrated and she should just not push it and keep waiting… uh, how long is she supposed to wait? She’s already 35!
I really hope I don’t get married tunnel vision after a while. I hope that marrying in my 30s will give me a balanced perspective on both sides — a decade or more in the dating jungle and the period after that!
NN says
I have a friend who says I have too much experience with people.. but that comes with my way of life.
So what have I done so far to meet new men/people regularly. I did dating sites my time, and then chats.. but not so much anymore.
Last couple of years… We have this singles group here called “Euro singles”. In the site there are couple of hundred men and women meet to see art shows, go together to summer music festivals, have skiing trips, go boating to Greece etc.
All of that is done in a non-commercial way; anyone can arrange a trip and write an email to the collective mail list, and it is is sent to 8000 + singles (male and female). (I get about 1-2 emails / day those because
I have said I am interested in all kinds of meeting/trips ect.)
If you get enough participants to your paying trip, 10 participants pay their own trip + 10 % extra, which pays your trip expenses too. Free walks, cycling trips are arranged almost daily, now in the summer, and trips that cost 50-100 euros are arranged almost every weekend.
The Euro singles actives also arrange speed dates maybe 7-10 times a year in 2 age brackets. One for those under 45 and another for those over 45. In each speed date they have 15-25 men and about same amount of men to meet for 3 minutes.
I have been to couple of their speed dates, and I just have to say: The men are ok, (a lot of same men are online) but they are just not for me.. I am not interested in them, as they have almost no curiosity or wonder of life left in them.
#24 Goldie said:
“At a bare minimum, do a phone screen first, save yourself some time. I have found a phone convo a pretty good indication of what will happen on the actual date. And yeah, I’ve pulled the plug on a few people as a result of how our phone conversation had gone. ”
I HATE talking with strange men on the phone. Men are are just plain_boring_ on the phone, unless they really have a sexy voice and then they could read a phone book and I would listen that like I was hypnotised. =D
But normally I hate those long silences that spring up, when they try to think something to say. At that time I ask them something, but most of the time the answer I get, I have heard it from so many men before that there is nothing new there. Second option to continue is that I start talking about myself, but even if I am pretty self-centered and opinionated, having a soliloquia gives nothing new for me to learn either.
A few years back (before my principle of not giving my phone number to strangers) I met for coffee this one guy. After the date the next few months every time he was wasted, he started calling me later several times a night.
It took me ages to get him stop – even said I am not interested but he had to try over and over again if I have changed my mind about meeting him again. At last I got him to delete my number. I refused to answer but each time he called I sent him a sms. After couple of nonanswered phone calls he started writing sms to apologise. It took me 20 sms’s to get through to him… in each just I ordered him to delete my number and forget I existed. What a pain in the butt.
No thanks, never again, I learned that the hard way, no phone conversations. =o
I rather meet a man for the coffee or lunch soon IRL, and then the chemistry at that first meeting tells me if I want to meet him again.
There is a draw back.. there are those men who don’t meet me as they think I am playing them when they don’t get a contact info… But I’m not willing to risk a change of my phone number to please them either, nor do I want to have a prepay number for their sake.
All in all, after 500+ dates online (and those other similar ways, like chat room meetings) over last 10 years or so, and 2 speed dates within this last year alone (40 men met that way) what is common:
– about 1% of men show in my radar as sexual creatures, and the rest are just forgotten as soon as my eyes leave them.
Without a sexual interest why would I meet a man for second time? Why lead them on with a second date, as I know they are not just for me?
A man either is a Man in my eyes, or he is just a human, who could be a woman for all I care, and I’m not interested in women. I know with experience that that non-interest won’t change… So I have stopped meeting those men for second time with whom I am not attracted to.
BUT.. for last 5 years or so, it has been my own choice to do locum jobs. I get to meet a lot of new people, and I get to learn new things in my field. Those whom I locum are thankful to find a professional in their field, who is willing to relocate for a few months and do what I do.
The pay is good and it is a way for me to scan new towns, and I get enough free time to travel abroad too.
Maybe there is somewhere someone who is single with whom there is mutual attraction. Who knows? So far the interesting men have been in a relationship, so it has not gone any further.
If/when I meet someone I really like and he fancies me too, then I start thinking of finding a regular job.. until that happens, I enjoy the freedom and multitude of choices I get living this way. =)
NN says
I really should use open office to check what I write..
-In each speed date they have 15-25 WOmen and about same amount of men to meet for 3 minutes, and then change to next partner. –
Sherell says
For me the saying was to relax a bit. And have a full life with hobbies and interest. Some people are so fixated on a relationship to the point of being obsessed. Not good.
Trenia says
I’m on the fence on this one. The statistic that’s always advertised on TV says that 1 out of every 5 couples meets online, that means 4 out of 5 couples don’t. While I believe that dating online and being proactive increases your odds of meeting people, it doesn’t work for everyone. Additionally, there are lots of people who are dating and mating who aren’t involved in the “how to find love” conversation and they manage to find it.
I think the “love happens when you least expect it” theory is more about living your life and not putting it on hold simply because you haven’t met the right person yet. Because the reality is even if you have a busy schedule, there are still lots of people who are meeting at the gym, work, etc…It’s interesting that people here have mentioned talking to married people about how they met their spouse in some “weird” way or by “fluke” and yet these people are married, and they met their partners in the ways that we think are low odds. Now if you spoke to 10 couples and ask how they met, I wonder how many of them went the “it happened when I least expected it” route?
I also think some of it has to do with your preoccupation to get married. Take two women of the same age, say, 35, and they both get married at 37. One may have dated like a while banshee for 2 years while the other met her future husband at a party. Both may feel comfortable with their approach to dating.
Dont’ get me wrong, I’m an online dater and I think people should do it, but many of us do it like it some kind of insurance policy against being alone for the rest of your life, and it’s just not. I think there’s a way to do a little bit of both.
NN says
Do you mean me? =D
If I was, as an example I could take a man I met couple of months ago,as he likes me as I am.. but I am not interested in him. He went after me, and I thought that nope.. but he was persistent and as I worked with him, we got to know each other.. I knew it was a mistake but since sex is not that big of thing, why not?
He is well hung, and eager to please me but nope, it didn’t get any better.. My sexual interest to him wasn’t that great to begin with, and I lost the interest I had within a week, and I lost my patience with his idiosyncrasies with the sexual interest. It was hard for him to get over the idea, that sex was over. Luckily the season ended and I left, and I still feel so liberated when I was able to go. Never ever that mistake again I decided.
I am restless, I like my hobbies, I like my freedom.. but sure, if I find someone interesting, I will look at it.
Even if he doesn’t fit to my lifestyle at the moment, if he is interesting enough I will adjust my lifestyle to him.
The thing is IF.. since so few men are that interesting to begin with, that has not been an issue as such, I have not seen any single men like that for ages.
They even may look great, but that is not enough.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201104/6-clues-character
I’m not looking for perfection, but I do know what is important.
Bluebell says
A very good female friend of mine thinks that if she has faith and think happy thoughts love will come to her when she least expects it. do women who have been in bad relationships have this expectations more than women who don’t? The sad part is if you ask her when was the last time you have been on a date or singles function she will tell you a long time ago. She doesn’t go out that much and its work home dinner on her own. She doesnt have a social life that will entail meeting single eligible men or just participating in hoobbies that she likes. It pains me when I tell her to come lets go dancing or for a meal. She is always reluctant and will be defensive when you bring up ways to meet men. She wants a relationship but thinks it will happen just like that and yet she will do her best to get on courses or finds a new jobs etc, no one has ever put a new job in her lap, but will expect that of a mate for life!!
Bree Talon says
I’m for online dating; I have found using it especially helpful in determining criteria for what you’re looking for in a partner. Whether you meet your future husband or wife online or not, actively thinking about what you want and what you have to offer when you’re filling out your profile is a great exercise, and helps us be discerning when we’re meeting someone ‘organically’ or from match.com. I may not have met my ideal guy through online dating, but all the work I did in figuring out what qualities he should and shouldn’t have, and what I was willing to bend on sure helped me recognize him when he showed up in my real life.
I agree #16, nathan, the backstory is where it’s at in success stories.
Online dating is just an expansion of our options – being willing to meet different people and learn about them is always a chance to enrich our own lives and learn more about ourselves.
In my opinion anything I wish to be successful at – from fitness, my career, love, communication – taking an active role and exploring different options is a good strategy.
AQ says
The only time it happens all by itself is when we are all in school and single. After school when you go out into the working world it is much harder to meet singles the same age. Working really takes up a lot of time and then the prospects SHRINK.
I was once involved in over 5 different sporting clubs with regular workouts and races. I did not meet anyone single my age who asked me out – because they are so focused on the race or workout. BUT I did meet people online who were in the same races! At that moment they were working.
One more thing is that if you are a single parent your life is about your kids – there is no way to be “that social” and if you are out with kids most people think you are married.
I also think that the stats that say 1 in 5 couples meet online should take out the college kids and be more up to date – I bet in that case the stats would be different!!
There is no better way than match, eh or jd! I would rather screen them on the computer than risk a bar situation with strangers who put no effort into the dating process. Online is great – people have to put up pictures, write an essay and contact other people – it costs money and it is a lot of work. Sure, there might be people you don’t like but that is okay – that is dating. i have always said that the wonderful thing about OLD is that it brings the world to your door but that is also the challenge.
Anyone who says don’t worry it happens all on its own is not single in this world trying to meet someone!
LS says
From Steve #22:
“Chance favors the prepared mind”
– Louis Pasteur
Exactly.
With that said, I do agree with you, Evan, that you have to put a little work into your love life and can’t just expect everything to fall into your lap.
I ALSO believe love can happen when you least expect it, but it involves keeping an open mind and being cognizant of new opportunities, which isn’t necessarily a conscious act that we must put on our to-do list every day.
I myself have had phases of actively “putting myself out there” to find someone, and I ended up dating people that really were a waste of time. And now most recently, when I was actually quite against the idea of dating, someone wonderful came along and completely changed my mind.
You are right: it helps to put the effort in, but it’s amazing how great a situation can end up when there aren’t the pressures of “Will this be the one that works out?” and “Where is this going?”.
Sometimes, it’s nice to just let the chips fall where they may.
Paula says
Both theories, of 1. love happens when you least expect it and 2. love happens when you are putting effort are both BS!
I’ve been searching for a meaningful relationship for quite some time and have yet to find one. I am taking a break and ‘giving up’ for now. And I have put in lots of effort to socialize and be proactive. I am the poster child for proactive so I think there’s more to the story then just be proactive.
I’ve done the self examination and questioning if I am sabotaging, etc. Sometimes I think it’s karma and I think if we think we run the show of our lives, we are just fooling ourselves. Life is a combination of being proactive and letting the universe run the show. We can only do so much and the rest is up to the universe
Anton says
Good things happen to you not because you’re “worthy of them”, but because you’re in THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME! It’s not that love happens when you least expect it, but it happens when you’re meeting new people but not looking for a relationship with them. As a I guy, I’ve found that actively looking for love doesn’t work because it causes you to be perceived as desperate and that is unattractive. You need to put yourself around the right people, but you also need to be relaxed because putting pressure on yourself is easy to detect.
Lucy says
Nothing is left to fate. If you want anything in life, you have to work for it. For me, finding a relationship isn’t hard. It’s finding a good one that’s the problem. I wouldn’t say I actively look but I try and put myself in situations where I’m likely to meet like-minded people.
Rochelle says
I think the one valuable thing that can be taken from the “Love happens when you least expect it” mindset is that you should go on a date with a positive vibe trying to stay in the moment, rather than expecting it to happen on the first date each time you meet a new guy. The literal meaning is indeed a myth. I don’t see how someone should be encouraged to go straight home after work and should expect him to show up one day without putting herself out there much.
Vince says
“As a I guy, I’ve found that actively looking for love doesn’t work because it causes you to be perceived as desperate and that is unattractive. You need to put yourself around the right people, but you also need to be relaxed because putting pressure on yourself is easy to detect.”
Exactly Anton. I found this to be particularly true with job interviews. If you are desperate they can smell it from a mile away and will not hire you. Ironically, if you have a good position or know you can land a good position and come in there with a “why should I work for you” mentality they will hire you!
Vince says
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you want to waste your time and money (and the other person’s) meeting someone you’ve only exchanged TWO brief messages with? At a bare minimum, do a phone screen first, save yourself some time. I have found a phone convo a pretty good indication of what will happen on the actual date.”
My friend has a 90%+ response rate on Match. Meaning 90%+ of the time he contacts a woman, they reply. He is pretty certain after talking to hundreds of women online that emails and phone conversations don’t tell you at all whether you’ll like that person when you meet.
S. Aleem says
I have to disagree with this article and most of the comments posted. I believe the reason ‘love’ isn’t happening for people is because they don’t love their life. Commute, Work, Commute, Dinner, Kids to bed, Start all over again sounds like a boring life that I wouldn’t want to introduce a potential mate to. People get so focused on finding ‘love’ that they forget to ‘do’ things they truly love without thinking about meeting that ‘special’ someone. Why not picking up fun hobbies that force you to interact and genuinely meet new people? Once your life starts to fulfill you, you can meet that fulfilling partner. Get out of the monotony and start enjoying your single life. I’m sure the energy you put off as a result will attract so many potential mates into your life.
Vanessa B says
so me so far:
i will be 28 in a couple of months
dated only four men in my whole life
never had anything last longer than 3 months
in between those dates is a long wait in between usually two years in between, all of the men treated me badly,, ive never had an emotional connection, always a case of liking them more than they liked me
My last date was seven years ago and even though i havent been “looking” still nothing has happened since.
I get jealous and angry when people i know are in long term relationships/married
if i never persued any one i would have never had a first kiss and i would still be a virgin ( i wish i still was a virgin)
so yes i beleive this is a myth because it doesnt ring true for everyone. Some people are magnets other people arent. Thats just the way it is and ive only just learnt to accept it.
Guessing says
This reminds me a lot of when I was young and in church and they would tell the women to stay at home and pray for a husband. Theoretically, they would walk into a supermarket and a man would all of a sudden say that he wanted to marry them and after about three dates to confirm his choice, they would get married. The only other choice would be the elders putting two people together and talking them into marrying each other.
In some instances, these things did happen, but many of them were not in happy marriages but they could not get a divorce, because the church did not believe in divorce.
I have no problem praying for a husband, but I do think that it is unrealistic to continue about a daily routine waiting for him to show up. At the least, date online while praying for love and seeing what happens is probably the best method.
Ng says
I don’t think that love happens when you least expect it saying should be taken so literally though. It means do the things you love, keep an open mind and love will find you at the right time.
Personally, I just turned 30 and I’ve been single for the past 6+ years. I have dated people, met a lot of guys but yet to find someone I could have something lasting with. I believe love will come when it does till then I’ll keep enjoying my European travels, doing things I enjoy, developing myself, being there for my friends and family. I’ve never been a fan of just being with someone for the hell of it. If you desire something then you have to stand by your resolve to hold on till you find it.
One is better off alone than being in a hellish relationship.
Fay says
At 21
Gee am I the only one but when Im online….I rarely send out HEAPS of emails or kisses or whatever you call them on mass to men in my age group (45-55)….as there arent that many quality men out there as their profile, interests or photos do not match what Im looking for.
So I can easily deal with the one or 2 at the most at a time. So I guess I prefer to watch a good movie or read a book then have to write so many emails off to randoms Im not interested in getting to know. And realistically, I know its going to take a while at this rate!! LOL
j.r says
I think that the saying ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ is more of just an expression and not something to live by. I mean I’m least expecting it right now and it’s not working. To me , this means that it may not be with your ideal type, or love at first at sight, or someone who hope to be with. It could be with someone you already know and never expected it. It could be with some one who you thought could never date but you did anyway. It could be that you’ve already found love but you just don’t know it yet. I agree with this article. You can’t just sit around and wait you gotta meet and greet people.
Julie T says
OK! Here’s the issue with online dating. People pass each other up all the time based on what someone says, or what they look like… this happens ALL THE TIME! You read something and say, NEXT! When potentially the person can be a great match.
I met my ex boyfriend of 5 years at a party — and we had class together. I had no interest in him, until I learned more about him. To date, he is the love of my life. The truth is meeting someone in person is easier than online. I’ve tried online dating for two years and it just doesn’t work for me, no matter how hard I try. I would just prefer to meet the person in person. Call me crazy.. but I’ll put my faith in God, pray, and hope for the best possible outcome. Why? Because at this point I have to let go, let God. He will deliver the best possible outcome when I least expect. This I believe.
Akash says
I don’t know why but the love’s too much painful. I’s only 12 years when I fell in love for the first and last time.
For me this sentence is the theory of love-
Love gives pain and the pain enhances love.
Karmic Equation says
I believe that person is called a masochist.
mhd says
online dating is the worst thing I have ever tried! I tried 2 years in a row and not even one date! what a waste of time and money…
Ajearwood says
Einstein not Franklin
Buzz says
It’s just a saying. If you least expect it or you do expect it I imagine it’s the same result. Therefore it is not valid. I’ve never asked a girl out in the supermarket or in a random place. If your waiting for that to happen ladies good luck. Will probably never happen. I can’t say I like online dating. Similar to others. The ‘ next’ factor is often present. Expectations are high for both parties. Suitors often do not meet requirements and quickly cast aside. Mindset pre date can make it like an interview.eeting through friends always found the easiest way for me. It’s All quite depressing to be honest. Older you get the harder it feels and you don’t deal with people s shit. Ah love!
Malika says
I hate this saying. It makes people who didn’t meet lasting love through happenstance feel guilty about ‘having’ to make an effort. The reality is that some people easily meet their fit in their younger years. Others need to go through trial and error and put themselves out there.
I know it’s rather depressing, but i hope you don’t give up. One of my friends was nearly ready to throw in the towel and has now been dating the greatest man she has ever met for over a year. I ‘m really glad she persevered after she was ready to write herself out of online dating site. She is my inspiration for when it feels as if nothing is ever going to come from it after a row of dates with no mutual chemistry. I hope you find your own examples to inspire you.