Too Many Men, Too Little Time? Pay Attention…

woman in between two men having a hard time choosing

My client in Northern California had a problem on this week. She’s going on vacation next week and has four interesting guys clamoring to meet her (cause that’s what happens when you’ve got me as your dating coach!) Anyway, she’s already set dates with two of them, but doesn’t want to lose momentum when she goes away. Her question was how to juggle this and make it work to her advantage.

It takes inner confidence to realize your worth – that the right person makes the effort you want him to make.

I loved this question because as a dating coach, you don’t see too many new challenges under the sun. My client’s inclination was to try to see all 4 guys this week before she left. Strike while the iron’s hot.

The problem with this is threefold:

First, you can’t give very much time and attention to four guys in a week. It’s information overload and you’d better have a cheat sheet beside you to keep track of your men. As a result, it’s unfair to all parties involved. To them – as they’re expecting their date to actually be focused on THEM; and to her, because she may be burning through too many quality guys at once. It’s easy to talk about the problem of not liking anyone, but it’s also a serious problem to like three guys at the same time. Everybody loses.

The second reason I wasn’t a fan of the four-date plan was this: she was operating out of fear. Her greatest concern was that she was going to lose the opportunity to meet them, instead of worrying that she wasn’t giving each date the greatest chance to succeed.

The third reason I couldn’t recommend DateWeek was that the momentum would certainly get lost after 10 days with most of the men. She’s actually shooting herself in the foot by meeting any of them.

But since she already had 2 dates, I thought it would be easy to plan the rest.

First of all, I told her to shift her consciousness. I recommended that she operate from a place of abundance instead of fear. I promised her that these 4 men want her now, they’re going to want her in 10 days as well. After all, they wrote to HER. They want her and will do whatever it takes to get a date. If they don’t, it’s their loss. So there’s no need to panic that she’s not going to meet everyone at once. Just chill, I told her.

Next, tell the two guys who want to meet you that you don’t have time this week. It’s perfectly reasonable – the week before a 7 day vacation means that you have work, loose ends to wrap up and friends to see. If you don’t have time, you don’t have time. As long as you reiterate your interest in getting to know them, they’ll stick around. Just let them know that you’re available while you’re away.

That’s the big key. It’s incredible how powerful it is when someone keeps in touch when it’s not expected. And if any of her four guys make an effort to call or email while she’s gone, it speaks volumes about their intentions. I used this technique to forge relationships over Christmas break of 2003 and 2004. The second woman and I talked on the phone every night that I was visiting my Mom in Florida and by the end of the week, we were both sold. She picked me up at the airport without ever having met me before.

It takes inner confidence to realize your worth – that the right person makes the effort you want him to make. I am extremely confident that my client will end up dating all four men, and that she will have the pick of the litter – at her own pace – when she gets back.

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  1. 1

    Sometimes the having to wait to see someone increases that person’s desirability.
    Evan is right, if these men are excited about her, then they have 10 days to let their immaginations build her up in their minds (we all have a tendency to do that).

    Have a few conversations of witty, light banter. Leave them with interesting facts about you that make them curious and enjoy your trip.

  2. 2

    *This* is why people get dating coaches. That was solid advice that she was likely too close to the situation to have thought of.

  3. 3
    Curly Girl

    Cool question. The few times I tried internet dating I got overloaded very quickly, and perhaps I would have benefitted from pacing things a bit more. I’m busy anyway, and I don’t really like dating all that much, so after about a month of all the emails, phone calls, drinks, drinks turning into dinner, etc., I would be done for a long while. (Even after signing off of a site there would be guys I’d still be going through the paces with months later.)

    I guess the question that comes to mind is how do you manage to pace yourself with a lot of guys when they are pushing to meet and you’ve got other things going on? Some guys want to meet in person right away (and they can be quite pushy) because they don’t trust the dating site pic (I am assuming). In my case, not only did I not have the time to go prospecting like this, but I prefered to have a lot more info about a guy than just his pic before I was willing to meet in person. So it was a conundrum–and maybe a little power play–I wanted to do internet dating one way (take my time) and he wanted to cut to the chase. (Or cut the chase completely, if he didn’t like what he saw in person.)

    Maybe there are gems that get lost when you stand your ground and meet a guy on your time table rather than his accelerated one. Maybe you waste a lot of time trying to get to know someone a bit before you meet in person.

    If I ever do internet dating again, though, I would definitely do it the way the woman in the post did it–on my time table. Good advice.

  4. 4

    Momentum *is* important (once it’s lost in the beginning stages, it rarely rebuilds, at least in my experience) so the key is to keep things in a place where they can escalate rather than stagnate. I think postponing the dates was probably good, though for me it’d be harder to keep them straight via e-mail and phone than it would be if I simply met them all in person.

    The BF moved over 120 miles away less than a week after our first date so we had to talk on the phone *every night* and also arrange to spend entire weekends together right out of the gate during the three and a half months that he was gone. Momentum comes from REALLY clicking with someone just as much as it does from logistics.
    .-= Honey´s last blog ..Get Fit and Improve Your Dating Prospects =-.

    1. 4.1
      Hot Alpha Female

      I love the point Honey makes over here.

      When you really click with someone, its easy to find a way in which to communicate again with that person.

      In some ways, many of the “rules” fly out the door when you meet someone who is right for you.

      And it will rarely be the situation you were hoping or expecting for.

      Hot Alpha Female

  5. 6
    Evan Marc Katz

    @CurlyGirl – I have an amazing technique on Volume 4 of Finding The One Online about how to redirect men who push too fast to go at your pace. The key is understanding how to talk to them and making it fun for them to slow down…

  6. 7

    I agree with Honey that “Momentum comes from REALLY clicking with someone just as much as it does from logistics”. If someone is really interested, they won’t be put off buy having to wait 10 days or so. And if their attention span is that short, would they really be right for you anyway? I think internet dating (shopping) sets up the perception that you’ve got to grab the merchandise right away, or it’ll be gone! But I say, be confident and move at your own pace.

  7. 8

    I kinda disagree with post#3. If a week or two goes by without any communication, I’m not building up excitement…just the opposite. If nothing is happening I tend to forget about that person, because, as I’ve learned from Evan, you really need to have several people in your “pipeline” at any given time because most of them go nowhere anyway. I’ve learned not to get too excited about anyone until there is a damn good reason too…otherwise you can go through this continual cycle of getting all worked up over someone and it goes nowhere and now your reeling a for a time and you just lost that time. If you have several prospects going at any given time, if one flakes, it’s just not that big of a deal. And how would a guy know if she was really serious as to her intentions of getting together when she got back? If she is, and we do, great. But if she doesn’t and we don’t, that’s fine too. Lets face it, people flake on you all the time in online dating, that’s the nature of the beast. Also, she could keep in touch while on her vacation…most people these days have lap tops.

  8. 9

    I found myself in a similar scenario about a month ago. A few days before leaving for a two-week vacation, I connected with a guy online who was eager to meet me. I too was a little worried that two weeks could kill the momentum. I feared that he would disappear or forget about me while I was away.

    Even though Evan says in his post that this was a new challenge for him to deconstruct, he and his advice, were in fact what helped me navigate through this scenario. You see, I had been working with Evan for a few months by the time this occurred. It wasn’t that Evan and I discussed this particular dating conundrum. It was more that, for me, anyway, it was all about that shift in consciousness acknowledging and putting into practice the inner confidence and worth that Evan was referring to in today’s blog (and countless other blogs for that matter, only through different examples). Anyway, something must ve sunk in because things couldn’t have gone more smoothly!

    I let go of the fear and focused instead on making the most out of the few days we had on email/phone to reinforce my interest in him. And before I left town he told me that I was worth waiting for. We kept in touch while I was away and a couple of days before I returned home he emailed me to let me know he was looking forward to meeting me the following week.

  9. 10

    Curly Girl (post 2):

    a quality guy won’t push for an immediate meeting either. A quality guy also needs to see first whether you are even worth his time. Moreover, a quality guy won’t just send his pic in response, but a meaningful note that is tailored to your internet profile. And the pic he does send / post will be large and clear and show his face, and not something from afar in sunglasses and a hat.

    So, you don’t have to concern yourself with the possibility of gems getting lost by insisting on a little more information. =)

    By trying to give people a benefit of a doubt I got myself into some less than pleasant situations with internet dating, and there was one huge lesson I learned: there are no exceptions. If you sense inadequacy or a red flag of some sort, however insignificant, THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON. Never ignore your intuition.

  10. 11

    This truly is great advice. I’ve run into this situation, getting a little overzealous with the number of dates I’ve planned in proximity and it really does devalue each date. Makes it a chore and not an experience. Here here.
    .-= kirsten´s last blog ..Portland Girls == New York Girls =-.

  11. 12

    I’m with Paul. A guy might be interested, but if you basically disappear from his radar for a while, someone else might have popped up on it in the meantime. If you’re pretty interested in the dude, he may have moved on to new hotness in the meantime. And it’s not his fault.

    And people not only have laptops, but also smartphones. If you can’t keep in touch even briefly during a vacation you’re not trying very hard, unless you’re in the middle of the Sahara.

  12. 13

    @ Joe

    One of the biggest pleasures I get when going on vacation is NOT having to answer email, voicemail, etc. If I have my iPhone with me, everyone from my boss to my mother thinks they still have instant access to me, even if I want to be left alone. I now tell people when I go on vacation that I will have my phone with me for emergencies or vacation related calls (making reservations, getting directions), but I won’t be checking email or routine voicemail. If there is truly an emergency, I tell them to leave a text message with the digits 911, so I will respond right away. In the past when I’ve been communicating with potential dates through online services, I’ve let them know this, as well. That way they know I’m still interested and not just blowing them off. I figure if they can’t understand that I need to unplug for a week, we won’t be a good match in the long run. If they move on to new “hotness” in the meantime, so be it. Again, if they can’t wait a week to meet, we’re not likely to be a great couple.

  13. 14
    Thai Girl

    It takes inner confidence to realize your worth – that the right person makes the effort you want him to make. <<<i totally agree with this…

    1. 14.1

      The man who truly cares for a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. Just my 2-cents.

  14. 15
    Hot Alpha Female

    I think the biggest key point out of this post was Evan pointing out that she was operating for a level of fear.

    Whether it be the fear that they would not want to go on a date with her after she got back, or fear of telling them that she simply couldn’t do it that week, it pointed out an insecurity and an issue that could then be dealt with.

    Sometimes the big problems or challenges we face are blind to us and we really need people who come from a different perspective (dating coaches, friends, families, co workers) to point out exactly what we are doing wrong.

    Great job Evan!

    Hot Alpha Female
    The Only Woman You Should Take Dating Advice From

  15. 16

    This was really a very enlightening and timely post for a situation I’ve been dealing with. It was a long-distance situation, which I wasn’t particularly crazy about to begin with, but I thought I’d see if it might be worth it. This person wants to be married in the next couple of years and of course I’m not going to leave my children at least until they are grown and on their own. So I said, fine, I respect your wishes, we’ll be friends. He had older children who will be grown soon but expected me to be the one to jump through hoops (even though he was the one pursuing me). Of course the OP is not yet to this point with her suitors, but I think if a man truly loves and cares for a woman, he’ll move heaven and earth to be with her.

  16. 17
    brunet girls

    Truly great post you have here. It’d be really cool to read more about this topic. Thnx for giving such material.


  17. 18
    Evan Knows What He's Talking About

    I believe 99 percent of Evan’s advice though this one I can’t agree with. If you don’t meet soon, you will either build the date up too much in your mind or they’ll lose interest. And what if she does talk to the 2 remaining while she’s on vacation and then they meet and there’s no chemistry? And if she can’t meet them before she goes, they know they’re on the B list.

    10 days is a lifetime on an Internet dating site. Doesn’t she have a laptop or a mobile app to keep her connected with her potential dates? While she is going on vacation, even the most hopeful and best intentioned online daters raise suspicion when the meeting is delayed like this.

  18. 19

    hah, average good looking   girls get all the options and it’s ridiculous to state that juggling is a problem. At least in Texas, the census shows there are more guys than girls in virtually every City that’s significant. A hot guy might have a little   trouble but not too much, especially if you have chiseled abs. Now average good looking men but not the super hot ones, they suffer. This is because they will go for the average good looking woman who will go for the hot men because they can. This leaves you with flakes because the woman is juggling like 3 to 4 guys at a time and you’re just not going to be the hot ones. They flake because, the hot guy won by practically having a normal conversation, just like the average good looking guy did. This, average good looking guy gets a lot of flakes because he is not unattractive enough to aim for the sure shot bigger girls with no curves for example but aims for girls that would be in his league but gets muscled out. That’s because chatting is not an accurate representation of a person’s personality and other features even that should come into play. Chatting makes all guys seem the same in that front. That’s why the real world is the only option to set yourself apart from all of that by, being the limited option in the environment you meet woman at as well as showing that you’re more than a muscle headed Zoolander type who can use a phone texting keyboard.

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