Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet

Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not “athletic and toned.”  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as “A few pounds extra” thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or “curvy”, because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

  • Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
  • Why men avoid “curvy” women!
  • Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
  • Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

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Comments:

    1. 1.1
      LM

      Well yes, 95 percent of men do.  My ex was at least 25 pounds overweight but never let me forget if I had gained 5 pounds.  

      I think OP should try Eharmony.  The site does not require you to categorize your body type.  OP should simply use give Eharmony a try, using photos that are recent and accurate. 

      1. 1.1.1
        sara

        Youre wrong! men like curvy!!! tiny waist,wide hips and big butt. The term has been stolen nowadays by fat girls!

        1. Don

          Sara, you’re so right I love curvy thick women, not fat but just like you described.

        2. mary

          i guess curvey woman she s proud

        3. Stella

          True dat, sistah!!!!  I don’t have a problem getting attention & dates (in real life or online) and I identify as very curvy.

           

        4. VFRocks

          I agree… curvy is not a fat girl with a belly as big as her hips and tits. Big girls claim this curvy stuff even though they look flat out fat.  Some girls can look fine with extra weight but many hide the fat on the profile as curvy. Bitches fake all the time.

        5. anyone

          yes, this!!

          i use a site and a lot of the obese women there describe themselves as curvy. they are not curvy, their ‘curves’ spread out or parts of them compact and look squashed from all their ‘curves’. they don’t even look like people.

    2. 1.2
      Carmen

      I don’t think men prefer thin women. I have lots of male friends and I date men and the consensus among them is that thick is best! I’m chubby and have NO issues with men thinking I’m too fat. I actually feel sexier with me now with my heavier body, than when I was younger and slimmer. It’s all too subjective! Everyone has their own tastes. It’s cant be generalized!

      1. 1.2.1
        Tyrone

        There are men that like thin women just are there are men that like big women. Generally no one like a liar though. Euphemisms for fat or big like “curvy” or “voluptuous” have been hijacked by many people that are neither of those two things. They may have that interpretation of themselves, but others may not. And it won’t make for a good surprise when meeting. Many women have a strong preference for a tall man. If tall wasn’t numerically listed, and instead had descriptors like short, less than average, taller than most, nba star, They last two would be on the upper end based on the lay out. So if a man selected NBA star (a descriptor for very tall or taller that those taller than most) you’d expect him to be pretty tall. But if he was 5’10” or 5’11’ and said that that he is taller than most men, and they are NBA players that are his height, doesn’t it still seem odd that he chose the tallest category? There would be women that wouldn’t like it. Men sometimes lie about their height outright and women dislike that. I don’t mind a women that has some weight on her. But when I did OLD I would get pretty irritated at women that would deliberately misrepresent themselves as smaller than they actually are. I met a “curvy” women that was near 300 pounds. That was before I had the full body pic rule. Then I can judge for myself what is curvy or not. Guys told me I had to be wary of the myspace shot – the over the head at an angle downward shot that makes the breasts look as though ther extend past the stomach and simultaneously hides any extra chins. So I guess it’s been around for a bit.

        My policy was basically to assume that a woman looked like her worst picture. Say there were three pictures: One of a women all done up at a charity auction, one of the same one dressed for work, and one of that same women shiny, sweaty and  less thin looking after participating in a 5K. I would assume that last picture is the most accurate representation of the way woman looks and take it from there.

      2. 1.2.2
        JH

        I agree Carmen, it’s a real sweeping generalisation to say men prefer thin women, Evan!! And a really irresponsible thing to say as a dating coach that’ll leave all your bigger clients feeling deflated and like they’ll never get a date!! I’m a big girl and I get lots of responses on the dating sites I’m on and men find me very attractive and sexy! I get plenty of dates from nice guys and am currently dating a guy who thinks I’m amazing! I’m in the UK though are they different in the US I doubt it?!

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I don’t know why this is so hard to follow. Put up the same written profile with a thin model type and a pretty woman with thirty extra pounds and the thin model type will get 20x the the emails. So are there some men who prefer larger women? Of course. It doesn’t negate the greater point that thinner women have considerably greater options. That is not an insult; it is an observation. You should be skeptical of any dating coach who suggests otherwise, just yo make you feel better.

  1. 2
    Marc

    She’s to be admired for being honest about her weight, and I’d urge her to continue doing so. It’s not fair to her or anyone she’d go on a date with to show up heavier than she claims to be in her profile. I remember one Jdate incident where the woman had only a head shot in her profile, and listed herself as petite when in fact she was far from petite. She was actually quite nice, but I was annoyed by her lie, and it got unnecessarily awkward when she continued to contact me after the date.

    1. 2.1
      Anda@gmail.com

      “Petite” usually refers to height.

      1. 2.1.1
        Policeman

        Uh, no. It doesn’t.

        1. Amy

          Yes it does!  There are plus sized petite women but no matter what her dress size or how slim she is, a woman over 5’3″ft is not petite.  

        2. Yogagurl

          Anda is right.  “Petite” does not mean “thin”. A “Petite” person has shorter body, shorter arms and legs.  But you can still have fat and be petite.  That is why there is a totally separate section in the store for “petite” because they have to adjust the length of everything.

      2. 2.1.2
        Shawn

        Maybe in a clothing store, but not on a dating website, and not in a dictionary. Remember your description is for a man to read. They already have a spot for your height.

        1. Blondie99

          All this debate I just don’t understand if you post an accurate full body shot as your profile picture doesn’t this solve the problem?   I mean of you must select a body description then pick the one that accurately and honestly describes you.  But any debate about this and who is petite and who is curvy should be solved with accurate pictures.  Part of the problem is women not wanting to do this which I don’t get.  Eventually you will meet and I would rather a guy know what he is getting.  Just post the pictures and let him decide.  Not old ones, not only head shots, not ones you have used a skinny app on.  Just pictures that accurately reflect you.

      3. 2.1.3
        VFRocks

        The real definition is certainly not just short. Petite is listed in the clothes women wear and it is certainly small body size all the way around. Tall is tall short is short. Petite is short and small.

         

      4. 2.1.4
        VFRocks

         

         

        Definition of petite

        :  having a small trim figure —usually used of a woman

        petiteness
        noun

        See petite defined for English-language learners

        See petite defined for kids

        Origin and Etymology of petite

        French, feminine of petit
        First Known Use: 1784

        2
        petite

        noun pe·tite

        Definition of petite

        :  a clothing size for short women

        1926

        First Known Use of petite

        1926

        Other Clothing Terms

        babushka, brogue, bumbershoot, cravat, dishabille, furbelow, layette, raiment, spectator

        Phrases related to PETITE

        Related Phrases

        the petite bourgeoisie

        PETITE Defined for English Language Learners

        1
        petite
        play

        adjective pe·tite pə-ˈtēt

        Definition of petite for English Language Learners

        : having a small and thin body

    2. 2.2
      Lorie

      Lets all be honest. Just once I’d like to meet a man who is the height he claims to be, or at least somewhat close to it. IS THIS SOOO difficult people?

      1. 2.2.1
        Matthew

        You wouldn’t be meeting him though.

      2. 2.2.2
        Shawn

        Do men actually lie about their height? That seems strange to me.

        1. Blondie99

          OMG Shawn all the time and not just an inch or two.  It’s common for men to say they are 5’9 and be 5’6!  Not an inch or so.   No second dates.  Not sure how well that works out for them but I don’t see them again.

        2. VFRocks

          a friend of mine does, he is only about 5-4 and claims 5-7 or 5-6.

           

        3. anyone

          i met a guy who claimed to be 5ft 10. i was taller than him in my 1inch heels and i am 5ft 1, so he wasn’t even 5ft 3. not sure how he thought he could get away with that.

        4. SparklingEmerald

          Yes Shawn, Men lie about their height.  When I was in OLD, I was lied to about , age, height, employement, marital status,  and smoking habits.  As well as met men who posted pictures from 10 years ago, so when I met them, they bore very little resemblance to their pictures.  Yes, I know women lie to on online profiles, but your question was about men. (women typically lie about age and body build)

          I can understand the temptation to lie for both genders.  Many women have unreasonable height standards, many men refuse to date women their own age, etc.

          But lying is ineffective and will backfire.  When you meet in person the truth will come out.

          When I was in OLD, I had recent accurate photos, full length and close up,  and did not fudge on my age or divorce status or anything else.

          I only got a handful of e-mails a week, (whereas with older pictures of me in my younger slimmer days could have bumped that up), but I only needed a handful of e-mails a week to eventually find the right one.  And at least the guys who I did meet were open to a woman my age, weight and looks.

      3. 2.2.3
        Iris

        The funny thing is that men do this in person too.  I work as a ski instructor and when I’m gearing people up I’ll ask them their height.  I’m 5’11 and I’ll have men every day who are a good deal shorter than me saying they are 6 foot tall or taller.  I’m just like, “ummmm, OK?”

      4. 2.2.4
        Francisco

        I  agree with you 100%. Why can’t we type height, weight, clothes sizes,and recent pics of ourselves. I know we are not meant for everyone, so when a mutual agreement is reached both of you should be happy just to reach the 1st step in the right direction with honesty being the foundation.

    3. 2.3
      Kristina

      Everyone…petite is a whole other size designation.

      It doesn’t mean you are not fat. You can be chubby and ‘petite”

      “Petite” means small porportions.  Like shorter torso, legs and arms.  That is why in the clothing business “petites” have their own section because they are shorter all around.

      It doesn’t mean slim but it can mean that.

      1. 2.3.1
        Shawn

        You are defining petite by clothing manufacture, not by actual body type. Tell me something, is there a curvy or few extra pounds section when you are shopping? No? Then don’t try and define it by your local Forever 21.

        Petite actually means “having a small and attractively dainty build”. And if you look up dainty you’ll further see evidence of this. Other than a clothing store (apparently) petite and chubby are mutually exclusive terms.

        1. Yogagurl

          I am sorry that is the definition and meaning no matter how much you don’t want to accept it.  It is you and everyone else that needs to get educated as to what “petite” is.

        2. Katie

          There actually is a “curvy/a few pounds extra” section in shopping stores… It’s called the plus-size section. The petite section in a store will carry a shorter size 4, but it will also carry a shorter size 12.

  2. 3
    Steve

    I often see ads from women who write statements such as “I’m 127 but I have been told I can pass for 90”. Sometimes that isn’t true. It makes the person look like they are living in their own world. I think it is better to put up accurate pictures with a date stamp, a real age, and let people judge for themselves.

    1. 3.1
      Lorie

      There has to be more honesty in the online dating world. 

      I’m fed up meeting up with men who claim to be 6 feet tall, just to find they are liars, very short liars. Once I even ended up being taller than one of them. I’m only 5’6.  

      1. 3.1.1
        Russell

        Some sites offer profile verification, but people don’t insist on this being required because they aren’t being honest themselves.  One I used, BrazilCupid.com puts an icon on your profile picture if you do this, and it costs you nothing to do it.  So why don’t people do it?  I believe it is because they are lying.  I believe that both men and women lie on their profiles about their age, especially.  So I normally assume that it is a good bet that the woman is taking 5 to 10 years off her age.  I believe that if people were willing to be more truthful, they would demand profile verification

    2. 3.2
      Janie

      Sometimes it is. I’ve always weighed more than it looked. Well, at least until the past couple years. Getting older I guess. But in my late teens and 20’s, when I told people my weight, they often thought I was mistaken (lol) or fishing for compliments. One time I told someone I weighed 140 lbs, and he said, “You? No you’re not. You’re like 110.” Or when someone said “Where?”, I was like, lol, what am I supposed to say to that? haha.

  3. 4
    Steve

    Michael, post #2. Yes. I think the film “The Tao Of Steve” portrays that attitude accurately.

  4. 6
    Jennifer

    You know, just the other day I was talking to my friends about how annoyed i was that the term ‘curvy’ is now known as a euphemism for overweight. It’s possible to be athletic and toned and curvy (ie., not have slender or boyish hips, wear a full B or C-cup, etc.) but as soon as anyone hears curvy they assume it means ‘big’. It’s a shame, cause it’s a good descriptor.
    BTW, I’m not knocking girls with boyish hips or girls that are overweight. Just saying that neither one is curvy 🙂

    1. 6.1
      Jenn

      That’s why I really wish that dating sites would let you choose more than one body type descriptor. For instance, at the weight I am now, I’d be considered “About Average/Curvy”. I have an hourglass shape and am not fat. I do have about 20 pounds to lose before I hit my goal of 100 pounds lost, but I think that my photos give an accurate portrayal of my body. If any guy doesn’t like what he sees, he can move on. 

    2. 6.2
      John

      Hate to break it to you, but it’s not men who have decided that. It’s overweight women who have taken over these terms in order to portray themselves as something they’re not or just feel better about themselves without actually changing anything be more fit. Men didn’t just decide curvy=fat. To be blunt, it’s the legitimately fat chicks who get angry and proclaim “I’m not fat, I’m curvy!”. Using a new word doesn’t change what you look like. You are you no matter what word you use. Enough overweight women have simply co-opted the word “curvy” to describe a truly overweight figure. All men did was say “ok, you win. The word curvy now describes your body type, which is fat”. 

      If you are annoyed that curvy means fat now, I would suggest you start telling anyone who describes themselves as curvy who is significantly more than that to stop using that word. 

      1. 6.2.1
        belle

        I completely agree. I have very close bust-waist-hip size to Ashley Graham. This is a hourglass shape, curvy. That is not the same as women who are clearly very obese (and can absolutely be very beautiful) yet let’s focus from an online dating perspective, it has diluted the category/word in the search parameters for men ESPECIALLY when many women with a few extra pounds are posting photos that are ideally cropped to not really show all of them. I have flipped the searches for females like me and see this frequently. If men do not feel confident that who they see in the picture, is what is showing up, I do not blame them for not contacting. This also goes for women that appear to have overfiltered or photoshopped photos, heavily contoured makeup. They may look like movie stars in.the photo but is that showing up to Chili’s on a Friday night, probably not. For men, it’s a little tougher for them to not disclose properly unless they are using old photos that appear newer. I have got better at identifying things in.photos that seem to indicate their photos are outdated abd usually when I ask, they will admit they are old.   I also reach out to the men I am.interested in, as they never have curvy in their profile parameters and let me recent, classy full length photos show the description accurately. I date the photos and let it go from there. Every man that has pursued me, loved women that were not athletic/thin whatever the case. It may be a smaller dating pool yet if they are contacting me, dating me, enjoying kissing or hugging me, safe to say they like curvy.

    3. 6.3
      Shawn

      I don’t think most people consider curvy as overweight. Yes, when it comes to an online dating profile I’m wary, because more often than not women try to misrepresent themselves by trying to say they are curvy when they are really overweight, but outside of that I don’t think it’s that common.

      1. 6.3.1
        Russell

        I think most people, men and women, don’t like to call themselves “overweight.”  I have seen women call themselves, “big boned,” or “curvy,” or “fluffy,” even “plump or chubby.”  But they do not like to call themselves overweight or obese.  The same generally applies to men.  They might say something like, “I’m not built for speed, I’m built for comfort.”

         

         

        1. Char

          So. I call myself a BBW, and I love me. When I’m on the dating sites, I don’t lie about who I am. That should be the best way to go. I know that not everybody does that.   I personally that’s the wrong way to do things. Me, I am proud of who I am. If you like me, fine, and if you don’t, it doesn’t matter. There is always someone else who will except me for who I am on the inside, and not the outer shell.

  5. 7
    Robyn

    Nicci, I have the same physical stats as you, and I list myself as either “curvy” or “average.” I have to say that this has not stopped guys of any type from contacting me. (The major problem I’m experiencing at the moment is that the majority of men contacting me are either over 50 [I’m 35] or in Israel – but that’s for another column.)

    I have to agree with Evan about marketing yourself properly. I have professionally-shot pictures that get compliments all the time, and they are accurate photos (the guys say so on dates). I have a hilarious essay that guys really respond to.

    …and I’m still single. But I don’t attribute that to my being curvy. I think of my curves as an asset. If you think of them that way, and market yourself in the most positive way, I think you’ll get more responses. They may not be from guys you want to date, but as Evan pointed out, there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are.

    Just refresh your essay and pics – maybe get some feedback by friends (or strangers?) before posting them. And see if your response rate changes.

  6. 8
    Sally

    I am a curvy girl (5’7″, size 12, D cups) and have always stated that in my profile. BUT, the difference is, in my essay, my opening line was… “Ever see the road sign ‘Dangerous Curves Ahead’?
    I was bombarded with replies.
    Honesty about your curves is good, but if your profile essay reflects your confidence in yourself, the men WILL respond. I’ve been with a wonderful man (who is incredibly athletic and fit) for two and a half years who adores my curves. Hang in there, Nicci!

    1. 8.1
      Karen

      Sally ,

      we are the same height , size and cup size !

      I am always so self conscious when I go out on a first date. I am thinking that to myself… He probably thinks I’m fat. I am actually pretty active and toned. But can’t seem to lose these “curves”.

      Im happy to hear that you’ve met a great guy. Gives me hope !

      1. 8.1.1
        VFRocks

        why would you want to lose ‘curves’ if that is what you mean?  Curves are a feature men like. Big enough butts and breast are a sexy feature. when curvy means your belly is big as your hips and chest, then most men think it ss not sexy. Fat is unfortunately a feature of American people now. Fortunately just not with me, since my family is smaller. All my sisters are less than 120 with a height less than 5’2″. Most Americans do not have that issue of being smaller.  I do find that it seems  unfair that men who are bigger than me should date women their own size. I am a man at just under 5-7 and only 130 and I would date girls my size or close but for me to date a girl way bigger than me is a complete TURN OFF. Bigger men should date the bigger women. That makes petite girls fair game for me. But life is not fair. I have dated taller than me and probably will be dating another as tall as I am. We are talking now. I am single still though.

  7. 9
    Ambrosiality.com

    Just say Average!!

    and if your more than an size 8/10 well say you meant the average American woman =)

  8. 10
    Bev

    I thought ‘curvy’ was an hourglass figure with large breasts and nice hips and a small waist. Isn’t that what men want? Do they really want ‘skinny’? I’m baffled.

    1. 10.1
      ellethemagnanimous

      That’s is precisely what curvy means.  It has less to do with your weight and more with your body shape.  I don’t think obese women can really claim the descriptor of curvy and nor can underweight women.

      1. 10.1.1
        Willuz

        That’s what it used to mean.  However, many very large women select curvy in online profiles and due to this the meaning of the word has changed.  Once you realize the signs you will notice that most women who select curvy also use a picture that is a headshot with the camera held above them looking down since this is the most misleading way to take a selfie.

        1. Shawn

          No. the meaning of the word hasn’t changed. It just means that a lot of women are lying about their body types. But if you hear curvy in a real life situation, you are still expecting to see 36-25-34.

      2. 10.1.2
        Jenny Ravelo

        If curvy is about proportions and shape, it means that no matter if the woman is obese or underweight, she can have curves if her skeletal structure and fat (little or much) allows it.

    2. 10.2
      Tony

      To me as a guy, curvy is Joan in Mad Men. Sexy and beautiful, the kind of woman you can cuddle without bruising yourself on bone or getting smothered to death.  Curvy is not 50 lbs overweight.

    3. 10.3
      belle

      Exactly. That is what curvy is. Women who do not have this body type have adopted the term and it dilutes it’s meaning in.online search parameters the same way that I roll eyes going profile after profile looking at men who say they have athetic and toned bodies that clearly are no where near that.

  9. 11
    Lance

    I always find “curvy” to be fat/big when I do searches, which is unfortunate but true for the folks who are truly curvy. If I was Nicci, I would go with the “average” label. If she plays sports at all or works out, she could reasonably put athletic. If she’s not playing sports or working out, she SHOULD BE…the benefits go far beyond online dating.

    I’ve never held it against a person if they fib a bit with their label.

    I think it’s important just to show up in searches and let people decide based on your pictures and profile. While I may not be the majority, my first search is always slender + athletic and toned. If I don’t find anything I like with that search, I’ll expand out to include average also, but I only do the secondary search maybe 1 out of 10 times.

    IMO, it’s a flaw in the system and not a flaw of the user. I have no problem with using the system to get what I want, and I would never hold it against someone else either. Hey, all’s fair, right? Don’t stress about the labeling thing.

  10. 12
    Collins

    To answer Michael in posts #1 & #6: Some men, of any size, do prefer thin women because American pop culture has taught them to. But one thing that people of both genders & all sizes should keep in mind is: Male & female are opposites that usually do attract, but beyond that, you attract what you are. And I for one do not equate “curvy” with “overweight.” I don’t want a Camryn Manheim, but I don’t want a Calista Flockhart either. I want a happy medium, someone whom I can hug & not worry about breaking her bones, nor about her breaking mine when she’s on top during sex. Looks may land me initially, but personality will keep me in the long run. However much a gal may weigh, her beauty will flow from the inside out.

    And in reply to Robyn paraphrasing Evan in post #7 (“…there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are…”) I say amen! Whichever gender you are/seek, if you seek gold, you must dig through a lot of dirt. Or, to put it another way: Dating is a lottery; the more people there are to choose from, the harder it will be to find the right one.

  11. 13
    A-L

    I’ve got similar stats to Nicci & Robyn, and I put average. I also have felt the same pull as Nicci to be more honest and put curvy or a few extra pounds but haven’t for that very reason (though I’ve seen recently that more guys will list curvy along with the slender and athletic & toneds).

    I realize my weight is more of an issue than it is for men, as no guy seems to have a problem with it, but I still feel a certain degree of self-consciousness. I just act like I don’t. 🙂 And I also have accurate full body shots, though from the most flattering angle possible. I think so long as the photos are accurate, then the guy will feel he knows what he’s getting into and won’t be disappointed in person.

    In terms of e-mails/winks from the wrong men, I don’t even consider them. What I mean by that is, if I say I haven’t gotten any e-mails, it’s that I haven’t gotten any from someone halfway decent, NOT that 55 year olds from a couple of states over haven’t sent me some spam.

  12. 14
    Michael Ejercito

    A-L,

    You can always try searching for men and initiating e-mail.

    I have received winks on Match.com and Date.com

  13. 15
    Barb

    Nicci exposes one of the flaws of online dating. WE (yes, all of us) find ourselves drawn to the perfect match without knowing the person. As opposed to when we meet someone LIVE, we can be drawn to a them despite the two-dimensional attributes. My two cents.

  14. 16
    A-L

    Michael,

    In reference to post #14, I do e-mail guys, and don’t always wait for them to contact me.

  15. 17
    Brian

    A woman wrote to me whose photos looked like she might be fairly full figured. She was charming and very funny and we soon called eachother and burned through whole cell batteries at a time. She did tell me that she was ‘Curvy’

    Not usually my style, I liked her well enough to get together in person. We hit it off very well and had a great time together. I suggest that at least for me, it was worth taking a chance on finding a wonderful person who just happens to carry a few “extra” pounds.

  16. 18
    Heather

    I have found this issue to be a big one for me as I started online dating recently.

    Two years ago, I weighed 140 pounds and wore a size 6, but due to a serious illness and the prescribed medication, I am now 5′ 6″ and wear a size 12. I have been steadily losing weight now that I am off the medication that caused me to gain it all, but I find that this in between period has been very difficult.

    I work out 6 days a week; I can run 6 miles at a time, etc and am, by all accounts, fit and athletic and curvy. Because I am carrying extra weight on my frame, I have found men to not be as interested and I have lost a lot of confidence that I once had.
    It will probably take another 6 months to lose the rest of my weight (as I am doing it the old fashioned way – exercise and eating right – but to think it may take that long to find someone who is into me and my size is incredibly frustrating.

    I have a pretty face, a quick wit, and am a good conversationalist… I have been on several dates where I thought things have gone very well, but there has been little follow up. I can’t help but wonder if it is because of my size. My profile (on eHarmony) has accurate, recent pictures, but I still wonder… Telling this story (as I have here) is not exactly something one should put in their online profile.

    Has anyone else had a similar experience at all?

    1. 18.1
      Rachel

      This is the story of my life. i was a model a few years ago and put my life at risk with a serious eating disorder. I was wanted, envied…despite my personal hell. I ended up hospitalized and got my gall bladder removed among treatment for the eating disorder. However, in the year since Ive gone from 100 lbs to 145, the way Ive gotten treated is astronomically different. I’m intelligent (a nurse with a bachelor’s degree), sweet, funny, and honest. I was so used to the attention from before….and even my own attractions havent changed much. I dont overlook overweight guys, but I do look a lot at the faces. Anyway….I hate to say I’m judged when we all do it too, but it hurts to go out with all these guys one time, after being honest in my profile, and then they just fade-out or never respond to me again. I think it’s because of my size….and I feel some of eating disordered thoughts coming back. Honestly, Im scared…I was so happy just being myself…but Im also very lonely, havent been in a serious relationship/long term since I was skinny. Im 25, and want to meet and know someone for a while before marriage/kids. I feel if I dont lose this weight quickly, Ill never find what I want. 

      1. 18.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Awww, Rachel. I’m 5’0, 145 lbs. It’s not the weight. It’s the SHAPE you’re in.
        http://smg.photobucket.com/user/tessa99/media/KE%20Album/20130901_18354502.jpg.html?sort=3&o=1
        So, three things:
        1) You need to change your SHAPE, not necessarily the weight. If you can afford a personal trainer, hire one. If you can’t, force yourself to go to the gym– and when you get there LIFT WEIGHTS, THEN do cardio. You need to build muscle to help you burn the fat. But because muscle weighs more than fat, you may very well remain at 145 lbs, but you’ll be a few sizes smaller.
         
        2) Go to a therapist. Don’t slide back into another eating disorder disaster. You need to learn to love yourself no matter what your shape.
         
        3) Have patience. It took me 6 months to go down 2 sizes (size 10 to size 6) — Anything worth having is worth waiting for, right? It doesn’t pertain just to “finding the one” or to sex, but to weight loss, too.
         
        Good luck.

        1. hunter

          rachel,

          …the average woman does not want to work at it, that hard….. 

        2. Jelena

          Muscle does NOT weigh more than fat. One pound of muscle weighs the same as one pound of fat. One pound = one pound. It’s just that one pound of muscle takes up less room. Maybe that’s the point you’re trying to make.

      2. 18.1.2
        julia

        Rachel-I’ve been dating for several years at about 20lbs heavier than you. I never lacked for attention during that time. 100lbs, 145lbs, 165lbs, 200lbs there will be men who find you beautiful. What’s not beautiful is someone who isn’t comfortable in their skin, insecure and not knowing they’re a knock out. I would work on how you view you before working on losing weight. You said you are recovering from an EDO. Might it be your EDO rearing its head? Do you think restricting your diet after recovery is best for your health? Work on how you feel about you, dating will get better.

      3. 18.1.3
        starthrower68

        I figure if I’m not good enough being heavy, I’m not going to be good enough thin either. You have to be happy with yourself first. It makes sense to me to be at a healthy weight for good health. It doesn’t make sense to do it for the fleeting approval of others.

    2. 18.2
      Becca

      I too gained a lot of weight whilst taking a medication. As a size 8-10 (UK, not sure what this is in US) I got a lot of attention, but now as a UK 14-16, the attention I get from men has dwindled dramatically! Because of the weight gain alone I’ve decided I need to stop taking the medication, and like you I am on the road to losing what I’ve gained. It’s disheartening, but unfortunately I think we just have to deal with it. My concern though, is, say I attract & commit to a guy when I’m slim again…. When my body changes with pregnancy, is he going to go off me?? Because apparently I’m revolting once I get past a UKsize 12! 

      1. 18.2.1
        Kermit

        Size 8-10 UK is about 4-6 in US. So if you are size 14-16 UK, it would be about 10-12 US. That is average or slightly skinny in my area. My girl is around 16-18 or 18-20 US (depending on the brand) which is 22-14 UK. Maybe you should move to America. We’d be glad to have you Becca. 😉

  17. 19
    Jennifer

    Bev #9- I agree, that’s also what I think of when I use ‘curvy’- it’s more about the curve of a woman’s hips than her abdomen. But unfortunately the term is used pretty loosely/incorrectly now. If people didn’t automatcially see ‘curvy’ as ‘big’, then truly curvy girls would show up in more searches and full-body pictures would provide all clarity needed about her body size.

  18. 20
    Cilla

    Heather, you and I have very similar stories. I used to be very thin (5’3″, 105 lbs) and gained about 40 pounds over last 5 years, due to medications, a knee injury, etc. I have slowly been taking it off (don’t weigh myself, but I’ve dropped two jeans sizes). I’m a healthy looking 8/10, but at only 5’3″ every pound looks like more.

    I do list myself as “curvy” on dating sites, because I feel it is the most honest representation of my body. I’d rather have men dismiss me online than meet me in person and be disappointed. I liken it to putting those “chicken cutlets” in your bra to make it look like you are well endowed–at some point the truth will come out!

    I never really equated curvy with being overweight–I always thought it was more like a Raquel Welch/Salma Hayek kind of figure (vs. Kate Moss or Jennifer Aniston). I mean, what adjective would you pick to describe Salma Hayek? I don’t think it’s “slender” or “athletic.” I think men have different perceptions of it, too, because some totally hot guys are willing to look at curvy gals, and some are not. I figure the ones who are willing to date those of us with curves are more interested in the whole person, and not just our outward appearance. And they appreciate a more realistic woman’s body, not something created by Madison Avenue!

    I’m probably a month away from being able to list myself as “athletic/toned.” The question is: will I? Maybe I’ll stay with curvy and just put in a few flattering but real body shots and let the guys decide. Do I really want to date someone who is so hung up on physique? I’ve had a good response to my profile from the men who have taken the time to read it–isn’t that what I’m looking for?

    And how honest are the men on these sites? I recently stumbled across the profile for one of my clients at work. He listed himself as divorced, when I know for a fact he is still just separated. His body was said to be “athletic,” although I would probably describe him as “slim,” and the biggest hoot of all was his hair. He listed “blond.” Well, what’s left of it may be, but I would definitely put him in the “bald” category! LOL!

    Hang in there. And as a last .02, I’d say the dating site matters. I found the most superficial men are on Match.com. I have had much better correspondence from men on MillionaireMatch.com. Time will tell!

    1. 20.1
      Peter

      It’s interesting how you admit you’re trying to attract “totally hot guys” and are on MillionaireMatch.com and then you complain about superficial men and hope they look past your outward appearance. So you’re hoping a guy looks past your outward appearance but he has the superficial qualities that you want?  Good luck in your search; you’re going to need it.

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